meeting the master

Lets start with something crazy

Reality is what we take to be true,” pioneering physicist David Bohm asserted in 1977. “What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based upon our perceptions. What we perceive depends on what we look for. What we look for depends on what we think. What we think depends on what we perceive. What we perceive determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. What we take to be true is our reality.”

What I take to be true and what I therefore believe my reality to be is largely shaped by the one man in my life that I met and had the good fortune to work with. Dharen Chaddha. I worked only for a year with him in consulting only to come to a conclusion that consulting is not the thing for me. I would much rather prefer the boring life of a working doer than an intellectual life of a great consulting master.

But the main point is that Dharen gave me almost all the intellect that I claim to enjoy today. The best part was that he did not do it by trying to teach me or by trying to inculcate something in me. He was just there. He did what he did and I could just not help but be affected by it. His presence was enough. I merely worked with me and then later on inculcated in myself all that I thought I could learn from him. Reflection, silence, thought, ability to paraphrase conversations, patience, taking people along, using wisdom received from others, actively listening, believing in the books people write… everything. In short, I would say I learnt to think from him. That is the greatest gift anyone can give anyone else. The learning on how to think. How to approach, how to behave…

I am an atheist or an agnostic, but I have a God, and I have met him. He stays in Bangalore.

I haven’t had the chance to meet Dharen in the 13 years since I left the firm. How could I? What does one do when one meets God? How can I talk to him? What do I talk to him? I would feel so weak and so dead. What would happen when I meet him. Hence I must have spoken to him only a few times in the 13 years. But I never ever had the guts to ever meet him.

Hero worship is a funny thing. You can worship someone forever and have a dronacharya – eklavya relationship but when they come in front of you, you don’t know what to do. Dharen is my hero. I want to think like him, work like him, communicate like him. I am nowhere near as good as him, but I want to try and bring in the best of what I can inside of me, what I have learnt from him.

So this time, I was with family in Bangalore, I messaged him and he promptly called back. With family, I had an incentive… I wanted Jispa to meet him once. I wanted to show her my God, my inspiration and a lot of credit for what and where we are right now. So we did plan to meet him. I asked Jispa “you want to meet my God?” I told her about Dharen. She knew a bit and she knew that I treat him thus. She was ok. I explained to her that he was the greatest influence on my life and my thought so far and I would love for her to meet him once, at least. She was game.

When we went there, as we were reaching I was wondering how I would react. The mere thought of him would bring tears to my eyes. Now I know what Elvis fans would feel like. Many times whenever I have spoken about him to anybody or thought deeply about him, I can’t help the tears that come in my eyes. I choke up and it’s difficult to control. So I was wondering how I would survive meeting him. What would happen, would I just break up, would I just collapse, what would happen.

As we reached his home, he came outside to greet us. There I had to fight back my emotions and stop myself form crying out then and there. Jasmine noticed it and then spoke about it. Ya. That one was tough. So I managed to stay ok meeting him after a long time. !3 years.

The meetings went off well. We chatted on a few things. I have always believed that he struggles to talk to common people. It is difficult for people like him to come down to our level, though I am sure this is something that he will surely not agree to. But I have seen him, think and wonder what to tell or talk. Then he would make his point and it would be laborious as he tries to explain the point he is making, carefully choosing his words. If the person on the other side is not quite as sharp then it would result in a really funny conversation. At momentum, we would laugh at the client’s inability to grasp Dharen’s words of wisdom. People have to move up to appreciate it and to completely grasp the complexity that he brought to the table with his words. Clients struggled, normal people struggled and that was one of the points that I knew was the final clincher as I decided not to consult anymore. If people can’t take the wisdom of Dharen, then I have no chance here. I could not meet anymore jokers and try and convince them on the intelligence of marketing or business strategy. In many ways I thought he was too intelligent and way too sharp for the clients he was consulting.

I then asked if I could show Jispa the study room. Dharen said “sure, but the study room has been shifted to a new room, but let’s see it nevertheless”. We took Jispa up and while we were going up I was telling her about an experience that made me think of Dharen as some kind of super human. We were working on a project in his study that was full of books and then he suddenly asked me to remove one book, that he pointed out. It was “Eldest Son: Zhou Enlai and the Making of Modern China, 1898-1976”. He then took the book and read a few pages from the start and then pointed out to the paragraph he wanted from it and then he asked me to read it. I was dumb struck. It was one book out of the millions he had read and he just picked it from nowhere and then it was a paragraph from this thick book that had struck him. And he had the ability to get it back again. This was Dharen for me. This was the genius I would revere and I would never be able to match up to. This was the legend that I passed onto Jispa.

Then he led us to the study where a smaller fraction of the books where there. As we just walked around, Jispa pointed out to the book – the eldest son. Yes it was there. The same book, that made the legend in my mind. I picked it up and looked at where I had found the passage. There it was – the passage, with a blue pen mark. I showed it to Jispa, there it’s still here, and this is the very same book. At this point or hereabouts, I broke down. Literally broke down.

At this point I just couldn’t control. I was laughing but I was crying also at the same time. It was weird, crying for no reason; a surfeit of emotions running through. I couldn’t pick any reason I should cry except that I was in the company of my God.

What a moment – My daughter on one side, my guru on the other and the book of the legend in my hand and Jasmine looking on.

Afterwards I asked Jispa about it. I don’t think I have cried in front of my daughter before. She said ya – you were laughing and crying at the same time. Short of fainting, she said that I probably behaved like what her friend would if would have met her rock star hero. Yup. Dharen is just that for me.

I was happy that the family met him. I don’t think there would too many instances later. Jispa must know who was one of the most important influence in my life and by that logic – a largish influence on her life.

--

When Dharen saw the paragraph in the book that I was referring to he said – Yes. Zhou Enlai was shaped this way as he was the eldest son. I resonated it with that paragraph perhaps because I was also ‘the eldest son’ and that’s why it had an impact on me.

The paragraph from the book -

“Why, why did people love him?” one of two American newsmen asks me that evening. “After all, he made a lot of mistakes. Why is it that people weep when they speak of him?”

It is difficult to say why. Except that, somehow, because of him, we all felt life was worth living. Even when everything went wrong. “Perhaps because he never forgot to care. Even his mistakes were because he cared. He couldn’t help caring. It was bred in him. He was the eldest son.”

Eldest son, eldest grandson. In the Confucian scholar families of China, the eldest son was marked out for uncommon responsibility and duties. The eldest son, or failing him, the eldest grandson, must provide care and education for all the younger male children in the same generation as himself and for their offspring. He must also provide comfort, food, and lodging to the two generations above him, parents and grandparents. He must be a model. A model of filial piety, of traditional virtue, upholding family honor and status, sacrificing himself always so that the family will thrive.

He is the embodiment of the Confucian tradition, the magic bond with the past, his life one of unending care, responsibility and abnegation.

Tsunghuai, a young man of forty, says to me, “I think that Zhou Enlai, throughout his life, was unconsciously marked by the fact that he was eldest son, eldest grandson.” 

A lot of this I think is me but the problem is that I am the youngest son, the youngest grandson. While I grew up I believed that I must be the model of filial piety, of traditional virtue… blah blah…. So that the family will thrive. But there was one problem. I was the youngest son, the youngest grandson. On both sides. The youngest son has a different role to play. He has to be the rebel, the growth, the ability to push it all out. But I was different. I was confused. I held values that were not expected of me. I had a tough time I think in the end trying to balance the two opposites of what I feel and what I should be.

I think a lot of this is the opposites reconciling inside of me when I go about my teaching. I am the older guy but also the youngest cool son. I should have the ability to relate to the kids while giving sage advice as to what to do in life. I think as I grow older I am probably losing that deft touch and that ability to connect with the kids. There is an age a life stage and a role. These need to be relevant to each other to create an impact. I think I had my chance while I was really young and learning along with my teaching these kids. I think I must reinvent myself and look beyond what got me here. What got me here will get me there. Possibly I have to change it just a little, not too drastic, just a little change here, a little there. So I continue to be relevant but yet retain my core that makes me, me.

Gowing up is reinventing yourself every few years, trying to manage the change around you so that a little of you is there while a lot of you is changed. Or risk being irrelevant to the environment around you.

room for improvement

Learning never stops and it comes from all quarters. These days I have had the good fortune of eating my ego and having it punctured. There is this lovely lady in office, a colleague who has this disarming style of talking and puncturing my ego. Normally I don’t take too kindly to advise. Most don’t know what they are talking about or don’t understand you or are too shallow to really help. The vast majority don’t even care too much about you to really help you. This lady is able to influence by her unique style of not really advising but by merely pointing what she sees and putting in a way that hits me hard. I have been advised by a few friends to go for Vipassana and meditation. But I find that impossible to go for giving my high ego and general intolerance for saintliness. I hate those self help books and discourses designed to help you see light. Instead I love it when people talk about their experience and what they saw in real life and what they interpret out of them. This chick is able to make me see light by merely questioning what I do. No one has so far been able to tell me how to talk or behave with Jasmine. Once while overhearing a phone conversation she was able to ask some basic questions which made me realise my mistake and helped me immediately improve my behaviour. Not that it was too much of a change. It wasn’t like a change from negative to positive, but a small subtle shift that I am sure would go a long way. After being in love for 22 odd years with Jasmine, it does come as a rude jolt that I need to improve, in whatever way possible. Sigh... there is always room for improvement. People change if they want to. They change when they want to. It doesn’t make sense to force or attempt to change them. One only needs to question and ask correctly. That is all that is required. The rest flows. I take credit for wanting to change, recognising the need to change but she takes a whole host of credit for showing me how to.
It’s nice to be around 35/36. You can have good adult conversations with those even 6 years younger to you. That improves your scope for conversation tremendously. You have so many mature people to choose from.
Speaking about gurus... I can’t handle the gurus and the books they write. Keeping in line with my ego status, I really don’t understand how such apparent commonsense crap is being sold. Today I just happened to catch a Deepak Chopra book and he seems to be in the same market as Robin Shrama. ‘You are a good person and you need to harness your goodness to become great’ genre. The writing is extremely simple and full of promoting self goodness. I think it is meant for people who have forgotten their souls or have sold their souls, and need to be reminded that their souls are meant for greatness and this soulless period is just a temporary phenomenon. I think these books seek to address a vacuum in the same way porn does. Pornography for the soul. You are a great guy with a foot long organ and you just don’t know it yet. Everyone can have a foot long. Yikes... that line sounds like a Subway ad.

who's on your right?

I came across the pamphlet in the newspapers of a certain ten day international Islamic conference and exhibition, for understanding Islam and Global unity. I read that the conference focus is to create better awareness and understanding of Islam and remove misconceptions and false fear and hate against it, followed by more lofty and world peace missions. Surely noble and relevant goals.

Fair I thought. But what caught my eye was not the mission but the organizational features of the conference.

I quote “largest … in terms of grandeur, excellence”, “Grand main stage: 12,000 sq ft huge with state of the art intelligent lighting and props, modified everyday over 10 days for a fresh look and feel’, “professional Tv recording… with ….blah blah blah … and other state of the art equipment
“Setting new records for size of stage, maximum number of camera used for recording, state of the art equipment, largest temporary AC auditorium, etc.”

I have nothing against the guy or his cause or his devotees, but it does make me think…

In advertising you generally devote more copy and ad space to what is important for your target audience or the CEO’s ego. I have seen enough to see that both exist. Case in point “XYZ biscuits now with attractive new packaging”. What have I got to do with packaging. Wouldn’t I put an emphasis on content as long as it is well communicated? That’s all. Do I care if TV covers the event with gazillion gadgets or not. I do concede that I and AC auditorium with adequate seating and a children play area are definitely good thoughts for audience comfort. but records for largest whatever is .......

A jain guru takes offsites abroad, hindu baba has a satsang in a cruise, some set up centers of meditation, one lady gives lipsticks as ‘prasad’, the list goes on… its fun to see the incentives offered for the downs.

I have a general skepticism (healthy I hope) with the rise of right wingers in any form. More and more of them are getting in our lives using new technology, razzle dazzle, new media and top class packaging. They speak the language that common man can understand. Wasn’t that one of the strong points for the spread of Buddhism and Jainism as well?

A new breed of them are emerging as we search for meaning and content in our lives. They preach their wares and create new cults building on old. Some scare some hold out hope, some promise…

Sometimes I want to go myself and see, what in the name of heavens is going on?

morning musings

There are many benefits of coming in early to office, but there is one clear big one. NO SWEAT. Yes, no grimy dirty stinky sweaty people. It’s nice and cooler in the mornings so the people are also cleaner, still fresh from their daily lirils and pantene’s. The women with their hair freshly washed and brushed still smelling of fragrant shampoo. They keep the hair open probably because its cooler (heat means tied hair) and they need to dry out form the washing. Its so much a better smell than the silly pungent perfume that use after they reach office. Ya. I could stare at a women’s freshly washed, dry and clean hair for the entire bus journey. Well it does not last more than 7 minutes in the morning though. It’s nice to see the various cuts and styles. Men hairstyles by that yardstick are extremely boring and ugly. I always wanted to learn to cut style hair. It’s so much fun. There is always a style that changes the way people look and feel about themselves. But surprisingly I am quite irritated with my own hair. If I have to comb it too much I just go and cut it. Short – really short! What good for the goose is not for the gander.

Jo bhi hai… on another note I sometimes wonder on the pressure that I am putting on myself. It surprises me how my life has changed, my thinking has changed over the last ten odd years that I have been working. I still get worked about important presentations. I still don’t sleep well before them. Not that I get nervous. I don’t think that’s the issue, I am pretty secure, but the fact that my brain refuses to let it die out. It keeps that top in the mind, constantly thinking, constantly ticking, pushing the bar, improving…. Constantly. Move, shove, push, move, forward… every time. Constantly… PUSH…one day I will tire and rest. I hope I rest content. I cannot imagine resting but someday I hope to. There is also another side that says that I will push on and never rest. I hope never to rest to constantly push, push harder and harder. I like that T shirt sign with Gandhi on the design – ‘my life is my message’. Bang on! Like something profound that I learnt in Jainism (a nice book – a journey through Jainism). In Jainism we go to the temples not to pray and ask but to see the idols of great souls who have given it all up and get inspired by them. By their actions they teach. They do not preach they only do – it is up to us to follow. What a lovely thought. Tough on the others but brilliant. I have always learnt by watching and not by following what people teach. Watching and imbibing is the bets way. Many times, in cricket, in life, at work, i could visualize what the bets in that field would do and try to emulate. It’s like the story of eklavy and dronacharya. By having a statue of the guru is enough to learn. Its not important for any of my guru’s to be physically in front of me. Their images in my mind is more than enough. After all what’s the bloody brain for?

Yesterday was a high point for me in my life at this company. The company did something I cannot disclose but proved to me that I was valuable to them. In fact amongst the top guys in my division (strength 250 heads). That felt good. Emotional. That’s the bond which I have with my organization. That’s what makes us tick. Strong emotional connect? I dunno. Will tell you and let you know when I find out. I think it will be years before I understand, and I would have lost the question as well. So if you are reading this 20 years on and want to know the answer, let me know! I will tell you what I know at that point of time. The fun thing with perspective is that it keeps on changing. Just keeps on changing. PUSH PUSH PUSH…..