pressure cooker

I hate myself. What a devil I turn out to be when I am teaching Jispa under exam pressure. It becomes a pressure cooker environment and the whole thing is just about to burst.

I hate exams. I hated them as a child and I hate them as an adult. Everything you know or don't know is left to the two hours in which you vomit out everything who have tried to assimilate. It designed to give joy to the sadist bloody exam setter who tries to outsmart the poor kid by asking some weird questions. Joy in failure.

I love teaching. I enjoy teaching. I was dying to have a kid to whom I could teach everything I knew. this blog in many ways is an expression of my teaching. I have been teaching for 13 years, and all the while improving and hoping that my own kid will take the best out of it. But then came the exams. When exams are on the head and you have to teach against a portion with a view to out fox or merely keep up with the exam paper - the pressure turns on you. You are expected to teach to succeed. How is that the right way to teach. The best way to teach is to get someone to discover, to find out, to fall and rise again. here formulas and shortcuts and rules are to be applied. I have been teaching math for the last few weekends. I have improved  a lot in my ability to manage myself. I hate myself when I am teaching Jispa thus. I lose my temper, I lose my balance, I get aggressive with myself more than anything else.

This time, I have improved a lot. A lot less anger expressed. A lot more explanations and lot more ways to do things. In time and work studies, with Jispa, we figured out our own logic for solving sums. Use  simple logic basis how you fundamentally understand the sum and then do it.

I remember that in the 10th standard, I had devised my own way to calculate the answer to the sums given. I preferred to do it my way and I had spoken to my teachers about it. My tuition teachers and my school teachers. both agreed and encouraged me to do it my way. As long as I did it my way and explained the way I did it, it was right. the 10th standard mathematics were the best time of my study life. I loved doing it and it brought be great joy. It was not math but logic. It was not a formula but a problem to be solved. I was so good at it that in many cases I knew the answer as soon as I saw the sum. Then on it was just a simple solution. The logic in math excited me.

These weekends have been too stressful. Though it's gotten better. I have gotten better at handling this. A five-day work stress followed by a pressure cooker of a weekend is something I find too much to bear. I try and cope with it but it gets too much. Many things contribute - first the sleep deprivation of the week thanks to Jispa’s swim schedule and then the pressure of work, then the long driving, the meetings, the extra backup work I try and do to stay relevant and then the teaching at colleges, the pilates class - wow. Sometimes I think I might just spontaneously combust. Poof!

Jispa has moved her swimming trying to another club. This is the GAF club run by a swim father who wants to bring to India some of the best methods from around the world. So Jispa now has a punishing swim schedule like she has never ever done before. Plus She swims for 6 days in a  week. Plus she has land training where she does some grueling workouts. Looking at her swim and looking at her being dead, I felt really bad and had to fight out a bit of salty water from my eye. I don't my daughter to do this. I have had various chats with her. Do you really want to do this? I want her to quit and relax. Read a book, watch  movie, dream under the sky. Anything else will do.

Yesterday we had a chat again. She said, she really wanted to swim well and compete at the nationals. She wants to go there and be there once. She says that this year is her best chance. She WANTS to do it.

I thought about it and then told her “ fine. you want to do this then go do it. For the next four to five months - go for your swim. Do what it takes. I promise you that I will not ask you for your studies and for your academics. I will work with you on studies and push you to do your best in swimming.” On Friday, I had used my daddy veto power and decided to not send her for the morning swim as she was looking very tired. Now I won't do that. I will let her push herself, massage her and manage her to get her swimming first. With that, her this year of studies will get a bit of a hit. But that is ok. Her basics are strong and her ability to study and keep up shouldn't be compromised. I will figure this with her and help her manage.

Writing is therapy. I have not been writing and I have had very little time to introspect. Writing helps me do that. While I write I and forced to think about what I really hold close to my heart. I hold being a fun dad more important than being a ‘successful’ dad. I want to watch a few movies with my kid, watch some kabaddi and watch some clouds. And hopefully, in the process teach and learn at the same time. Writing this post and helped my strengthen my beliefs. I have been  an ass, a jerk and I want to change that. I know the answer, I know what to do. I just have to take a chill pill. I have to believe in myself and remind myself on what I hold dear. I hold happiness dear. I want not love and teach what is right and not what the examiner wants. I want to tell them screw you - I want Jispa to win without bowing down to these jokers. I don't want pressure on her… anything more than what she puts on herself.  She has enough pressure to start with - peer pressure, self-belief pressure, confidence pressure....So help me God. Really help me so.