AI cooking?

“No don’t get the fried stuff” “why?” “because we don’t want it” “but last time you saw the chips packet you guys hammered it down and finished it. You guys eat it.” “ya, exactly. We eat it. Doesn’t mean we want it. We don’t want it. We don’t want to eat it and so please don’t get it home. Right now we are enjoying eating home cooked food and good food through the day. We will eat fruits. Whatever. But please don’t get the fried stuff.”

Jasmine is the ever care giver. She sees what her babies eat and takes that as the cue to what they really want to eat. For years her strategy isnot to really ask us. We always give the wrong answers, she contends. She sees how we react and then she figures. By now she knows under which circumstances Jispa will eat more food. She knows that when she serves hot rotis I eat a few more. Which is a problem. I don’t want to eat more. I eat more because she is making them. It’s a circular thing.

Nothing worries Jasmine more than seeing an empty bowl of food after dinner. “Oh. You want more, should I make something.” “NO.. I don’t want more. I was just trying to finish the food you made. I thought instead of throwing it, since its less, I thought I will eat it and finish it.” So now when I finish the bowl I make it a point to first ask everyone if someone wants and state that I don’t want and then with the mandatory disclaimers, I finish the bowl. I don’t want it, its extra but still I am having it. Then it works.

While writing this, I realised an interesting problem of artificial intelligence. Hmmm. This is the same problem that Ai would face while decoding human behaviour. AI is very similar to Jasmine. It seeks to capture exhibited behaviour and response to stimuli. It doesn’t ask the consumer what he/she wants. Its simply sees behaviour / stimuli and adjusts accordingly.  This way it understands you better than what you do of yourself.

This is the hallowed promise of AI. But in this is also the curse of AI. It will seek only exhibited behaviour and not consider motivation behind the behaviour. This could be the achilles heel of the Ai as we implement it. While doing one AI project, I realised that one of the problems that AI had was that basis behaviour we would give out stimuli and basis the stimuli we would see further behaviour. This seemed to me a self-fulfilling prophesy. The whole problem would be that if we are stuck in a behaviour and stimuli that is of our doing – we will miss if there is a behaviour outside of the proverbial well. That’s why I insisted on inserting trojans - Randomly generated stimuli even if it against the data of the behaviour. This way we would also be able to catch a random trend starting. So just because a type of behaviour was not seen so far doesn’t mean it doesn’t get captured.

It’s a bit tricky to understand. To simplify – the AI may start seeing that every time Jasmine makes hot roti, they eat more. So, it churns out more and more hot rotis not knowing that possibly sometimes or every once in a while, Jasmine should churn out Hot Rice to see what happens. Are bored of hot rotis or a new trend towards brown rice is coming in that the AI doesn’t catch as the current data continues to show upticks. It’s what I would call a ‘staying in the well’ syndrome.

The other thing I realise while writing this blog is that the AI must consider human motivation for behaviour. So, while I am eating more rotis, is it that I really want to eat more just because they are hot. May be a deeper insight into the behaviour of me eating more can be taken in. Possibly I love eating rotis but more importantly I want Jasmine to eat along with me. I don’t mind eating a roti less. Understanding this is a crucial dimension for AI going forward.

Simply blindly following correlation over causation will only take you this far. You easily find yourself on top of the curve that has flattened and leave you with no growth opportunity. Combination of trojans and insights and research can add into the mix so as to code for growth that is break through instead of just paying lip service to ‘I have implemented AI’.

Most CEO’s do not understand this and simply expect an AI engine to ingest more variables. They like saying we have AI and that we have ingested 5000 points of data. It sounds very good and it a good lie to perpetrate but it’s just that – a lie. AI would need some serious soul searching on behalf of the coders and marketing nut cases to make it work. I shudder to think of what would happen over a period as I exited my previous company where I created this juggernaut.

Sometimes I feel like a physicist who cracks the code for energy is dismayed to see it being used for weapons of mass destruction. I create an AI engine to see the top use it for random things. They just don’t understand it. Then I connect it to a mass communication system only to see that they will use it to think through wrong conclusions and send wrong communication to a wrong audience and overdo to kill it. Entropy is real.

So coming back – Jasmine is enjoying the fact that during this lock down she is able to feed us hot rotis and we are fighting back by stating upfront exactly how many we will eat. This way its in control. And both win. Plus I sit to eat a little late – I keep telling her that I will sit only delaying it enough so that when she done making my hot rotis I will have at the table eating her dinner with me.

I really care about talking to her more than I care about getting fatter. Wouldn’t you agree?

a lemon and a peach market

No matter how bad the mood, the greatest joy I have found is in enjoying the company of your family. It was good that the last few months of my previous employment was a bit of a tough one. I used the time and the experience to grow smarter and tougher. I find it easier to deal with less catastrophic issues.

I have had some rough times in my career and many of them were earlier on in my life. These helped me prepare for a lot of shit that seemed to have followed. Of course it follows in different ways. Sometimes, there is boss trouble, sometimes there is peer trouble, sometimes, unrelated colleague trouble and sometimes employee trouble. Trouble doesn’t come with a standard tag or a name. You learn to deal with it and you learn about the vagaries of life while dealing with it. One of my reactions over a period of time is to simply buckle down and try and build a cocoon around yourself. Talking about it doesn’t really help. Hence sometimes I look at people talking about it to others and taking advice, making me wonder, if this was really helpful. Once in a while taking advice is good but more than that is to my view not healthy.

Over a period of time, I have realized that sitting, chatting and discussing with other people on various issues is a good thing. But consistently talking about your problems and looking for advice is practically useless. The old adage is that people say that you shouldn’t leave so much within yourself. It’s not good. Well – that’s a yes and a no. I think in life I have learnt to just simply contain a lot of the anguish and pain within myself. It served me well. Opening up did really do me good. I like the way men (archetype) are friends with each other (sounding sexist). We chat, we discuss and we move on. We simply don’t dwell too much on emotional issues. There are 100 different versions of this and counter versions, but I am discussing the archetype. Ok – forget the disclaimers. I am talking about the thing that when screwed, probably a response that allows you to just box it mentally and manage your other life well, possibly works best. In managing your other life, the time spent with your loved ones is something you cherish the most.

I love the way Jasmine fights with me these days. Or should I say – I love the way she responds when I fight with he these days. Whatever – it’s fun. I shout, she gets angry and in 30 seconds we are back, smiling at each other. It’s not personal. We fight and we just get back. No egos, no making up with each other – just the quiet confidence that we love each other more than what the fight is all about. That’s the only way we can manage to get through all the stuff that we are managing to do these days. Jispa’s swimming, the new house that we are planning about moving to, all the decor and the arrangements. It’s not possible to do all this and not fight. And it’s not possible to have good memories if we fight and sulk. Right now it’s going great and we are doing just fine on how we are doing up the house. Enough fights and enough fun times and a lot work trying to visualize all the work.

Coming back. I was in a horrendous mood since yesterday evening thanks to some crappy work I was seeing at work. But I liked the way I simply put my head down, slept through and when I woke up I decided to spend time with Jispa and jasmine at the dining table and take effort to smile and chat with them. There – I felt much better and I realized what real truth in life is.

Coming to which – Jispa is a real joker. She loves what she calls the ‘papa’ smell. Every time I wake up from sleep and I hug her she gets papa smell from my t shirt. So she makes it a point to sniff me when I wake her up. One day, out of the blue in the morning, I woke up removed my t shirt and threw it on her face and went for bath. After some time when she woke up she loved the fact that the t shirt was on her. Her words “I was dreaming that I was in a meadow and smelling flowers and the flowers were smelling of ‘papa smell’.” Hah! Jasmine didn’t know where to look. She rolled her eyes and was wondering to her self – these two are crazy.

With Jispa I have a pact going – she allows me to kiss her nose and I allow her to bite my arm. It’s an irrevocable pact. Now we have another pact that I engineered. I throw my t-shirt on her in the morning and allows me to give a kiss on her ear lobe twice a day. Her only condition is that I don’t do a slurp kiss. Hahaha. I engineered this one and in the morning I was explain to her – that thanks to this understanding a lot of benefits happened. First – she gets the t-shirt every day, second, I get to kiss her properly and not just sneak one on her ears while I am hugging her, third, I am forced to give a proper one – the one that she doesn’t really mind and fourth – it’s a sanity situation where I am constrained to two a day. All benefit when a trading pact happens. It benefits the whole ecosystem.

Today morning I was reading about The Market for Lemons. Here the economist Akerlof argues that in the market for used cars, there exist asymmetrical information. The buyer doesn’t know about the car quality but the seller does (which is the lemon and which the peach is). Over period of time, thanks to a trust deficit, the average price of the car being bought by the buyer will gravitate towards the middle, the average of the peach or the lemon. This will drive the peaches out of the market and then you are left with only lemons. This drives all the buyers out.

 An interesting quote from the paper: “The cost of dishonesty, therefore, lies not only in the amount by which the purchaser is cheated; the cost also must include the loss incurred from driving legitimate business out of existence”

The book I was reading spoke about how this paper is important in understanding that asymmetrical information is important in driving business out. With internet and apps and the platforms that it has mushroomed – people are able to rate each other and information can be democratized. This is the example of Uber allowing both the passenger and the driver to rate each other and similarly the case in AirBnB. It allows everyone to participate and the world becomes a more vibrant space. Trip advisor allowed the smaller hotels with exceptional service and no marketing budgets to beat the big hotels on ROI and occupancy rate. Information thus democratized forces people to improve their service or the lunch will move from the big stupid seller to the smart nimble seller on the basis of interactions that have been positive.

I have seen this thing in action. As Trip advisor and other review sites mushroomed the world became such a smaller place, such an accessible place, such a beautiful place. When I was in SFO I realized that to get anywhere to anywhere you just need Uber. This is a huge thing. Earlier you would wonder before takinga taxi in a new place – is cheating you, or taking you on the longer route or anything. Here all that friction is just taken care of. One other thing about uber – I have written about this in the past – is that in Mumbai it has caused a lot of congestion. I reaslie that it is in part thanks to the laws of the land. Here an average car owner cannot just switch on to become an Uber driver. He has to have a commercial registration and a yellow number plate. In US you can simply turn on the Uber app (some pre verification) and boom – you are an executive by day and an Uber driver on the way home. This is the ultimate Uber dream. Your car is idle and parked for 90% of the time. With Uber – you can simply sweat the asset through the day. Laws here stop that and hence the congestion. If you transform the laws, possibly you will have Uber and less congestion. That’s the great thing.

So it’s interesting, how Uber is relevant and the innovation has potential to really decongest the city. The ultimate Uber holy grail – Pooled, autonomous, electric vehicles. Now  that’s crazy. That’s serious transportation solutions. It uses existing infrastructure to provide a solution that promises to work and get the hassle off the commute. And without government spending.

That’s the power of innovation, freethinking and the ability to do business with minimal government regulation. That’s the case for regulation to reduce. And that’s the reason or trade. Trade allows rules to be formed that work well for all parties. Jispa gets my used t shirt and I get her ear lobe. Win win and everyone loses if the contract is broken. Speaking of which – distributed ledgers…. Some other day…

jigsawing together

So now we are taking concrete actions to move into our new home. The Chembur home has been an interesting journey. I have written parts of this before, so I will be short - Many years ago when my salary rose without a corresponding increase in expense, we saw ourselves spending money on random things. First in the line of random things I bought was a wrist watch. I like wrist watches and I like nice wrist watches but I would have to admit – spending money on them and spending big money on them is pretty much the stupidist thing in the world to do. A cheap watch worth a 100 bucks will do the exact same job. But sure – I wanted a better watch and one day a friend of mine contacted me. He was in Victorinox and they had an employee sale for the watches. I saw a watch I liked. The scratch proof glass, the complete steel finish and a dark olive, extremely simple dial, with a date function. I loved it. The retail price was 26,000 and I was getting it for 16,000 bucks. A steal. I bought it. A few days later I looked at Jasmine and asked her, what on earth are we doing. We are flush with cash and we are blowing it. Let’s look at buying a new, better house. That’s how we bought our second house at Chembur.

 We then bought it and then went complete broke. We had no money for anything else except the EMIs. That was one phase of my life that I remember very well. I was earning well and I was broke. Eeps. What a dirty phase of life it was. We started eating exclusively at the gymkhana restaurant as it was the cheapest thing in the world to do. Our menu was bare bones and simple. Two soups, one starter (optional), one sabzi and four rotis. It was the worst of times, it was the best of times.

This was on for three years and when we did get possession of the flat, we promptly put it on rent for around four years now. Finally now, economics and desire have met. Like many good things in life, I got none of them on a platter. I had to work for each and every one of them. We have now decided to shift. Now another big project for the family starts.

The best moments with Jasmine over the years have been when we work on projects together. When we have to do things together we invariably have a good time. Of course we fight and argue and disagree with each other. We also invariably dump work on each other – you do this, no… you do this. That’s the fun bit. The real work is when we realize that both of us have to pull our weight and start thinking and doing. Most of the time, one of us has already done some mental thinking and home work and then we remind each other of the work.

Just a handy tip for getting along – when there is work you have to show intention of doing and being a part of it, even if you cant really add much value. For example the fact that I volunteer to help with what I can do is most of the time enough for Jasmine while doing household chores. While se designs stuff for the house, the fact that I sit with her and help her and think through as well is important. Same with her helping me as well. You have to get of your butt and show intent. Then you can add value and then work together. Then you can build something much more than what you have built. Most of the value is in the bond you keep forming and strengthening.

Most of the time working jointly on projects without the problem of credit is where you build bonds. These can be in form of crisis or opportunities. With my students also I have built some interesting bonds, by being there when they want me. Most of the time it’s just a sounding board where they just need someone to talk to and think through the issues. These mini crisis help people empathize deeply with each other and then that’s where the connections starts to happen.

I keep telling that Jispa is another project by itself. Her swimming is a project. Her schooling is a project and her different issues that we have to counter is a project. Only by having these projects we have manage dot build for selves, an interesting bond. When Jispa moves on in life and we have settled into a groove for retirement, I wonder what the project will be. I guess that’s why parents insist of becoming grand parents. They are in search of projects. I hope we don’t create any such rubbish for Jispa.

For now – the new house is going to be an interesting project by itself. It’s good to think together, work together, understand each other, crib and then let go of the cribs, and it’s beautiful to have your daughter involved in the project now. We have her in it, taking her opinions and preferences as well. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle that the family puts together. I like it.

does the box belong to Pandora or Schrodinger

Over a period of time, one changes. Someone was asking me about people and how we change. My belief is that typically people don’t change themselves too much. They change and many times it looks big, but most of the time, it is a representation of something that was there in them from the start. An avatar of it, comes out. So essentially you are the same person but just a different manifestation of yourself comes out. People and circumstances do that to you. How long can you go about being beaten and getting jammed by the world, before you put your foot down and change.

The new friend in office is the HR lady. She is sweet and we seem to get along. Possibly she is one of the older recruits we have had and this brings a certain sense of stability to her behavior vis a vis the rest of the jokers. She was saying that she can’t make out what I am. She is understanding a new perspective about me every time. Ah well. She said that sometimes I am damn tough and sometimes, I am a softy. I was telling her that as a kid, a young recruit, I was pretty naïve and simple. I was innocent, loyal and straight forward. I believed in what people said. Soon enough, I became hardened and you can’t just take me for a ride every time. Shit happened and kept on happening with me in my life and you change. I would to be the 21-year-old me. I loved myself then. I really was a sweet kid. Now I am an asshole. I have changed.

So here, I have changed but not as much as it seems. I still care, I am still more trusting than suspicious, I still like to give stuff rather than receive and fundamentally, I just try and be the person I would like to interact with. That’s how I have become.

Yesterday I was telling Jasmine – I don’t know how, but this weird part of me has come out. In sense that I can love and give and give and love till a point – and then, if you still don’t get it, I simply just shut off. I am done. And once I am done – it’s over. I can be there but it’s over. It happened with Mom. I loved her and gave a lot to her. I was loyal and by her side. I tried to keep her happy and manage her expectations for many years. I asked Jasmine to manage and I exacted greater sacrifices from them. Till a point that Jispa was born. I remember that it was about the point that I just gave up. I kept quiet. That was a snapping point. Till that point I was the sweet kid who could do anything, and when break point happened, it was so quick and fast that it seemed like I just flipped a switch. I would be very worried when I keep quiet and I try not to. Because once that happens, it always dangerous. Getting me back is not that difficult, but it will never be the same.

It happened to people at work as well. One kid I taught, he was drifting away and I gave him a nice job with me. He was okay at his work. I kept him going till appoint came when he decided to leave. Sure, you must leave, I try my best to ensure that people who work for me find new havens elsewhere. But this kid hid his job search from me, which I understand and then he never told me which firm he is about to join. That was bad and something that I did not accept. You cannot be that secretive from me, especially if you hold me in any regard. That was it, I rarely did speak to him afterwards.

I see this turning off behavior many times when I deal with people. I just choose to keep quiet or not tell. If it’s not going to help then it’s not worth it. My life gets selective. Old colleagues who bitch about me, get this as well. You have to decide what you want from me and what you are going to give me. If you want good friendship then you go the whole hog. If you want camaraderie then that’s what you are going to get and if you want a good colleague then that’s that. It’s the confusion in your mind that will get my goose. I don’t abandon friends no matter how bad they may have been to me. I am there, just the avatar that they are used to, changes. This is something they don’t understand.

This is something about me that I fight a lot with myself when it comes to my family. I know that the off switch is very very difficult to turn back on and hence I try and stay away from it at all times. Jispa is dangerously flirting with the off switch in some aspects.

I have always maintained a system in which I talk and discuss a lot of things and try and impart learnings. All my life, I have learnt, not for just expanding my knowledge but in a large part so as to expand it to those around me. Talk to people, let them learn from your experience and knowledge. This is the way for knowledge to expand and further gain roots in your own head. It gives the greatest joy. Jispa gets the best from this as I explain various different things to her. But these days as she changes and as she grows up, she has little time and little patience to give me. Just yesterday itself, I had an interesting conversation with a swim parent and this one was someone who I was trying to explain on the role of government and how it is becoming a ‘Big Brother’ in our lives. While we were discussing this, I explained that how today we have so much control over our children’s life. We watch over them and we know what they are doing in their lives. My parents hardly knew anything about us compared to what we know about our child. That I keep telling Jasmine to back off is another matter for a later conversation. But that we have an overhang over their lives is a crazy thing. We are there and they know we are there. The parents have whatsapp groups that talk to each other, corroborating stories and chatting with each other. My mom knew no other mom from school. None. We parents, practically know every other one. This is influencing their behavior in many ways I argue. At a fundamental level, the kid knows about this overhang and hence his behavior is attuned to this. He will change his behavior and choices knowing our likes and dislikes and approval. So, in effect in many ways we have made these choices for them. While we were growing up, the biggest choice I think was the choice of girlfriend and the choices of our families, in many ways shaped the choice of partners we had. Some rebelled but most stayed within the norms. Today we know so much more and we therefore choose much more and therefore, what we approve or disapprove in many ways in shaping our child’s choices even before they make their choice. My friend to whom I was talking to, got it and said, Schrodinger’s cat. Yes – much like the cat, the fact that you are going to open the box and look inside has made the decision for the cat. In fact, the fact that you have the choice to opened the box and look inside has collapsed the probability and influenced the life of the cat. We make our choices for our kids even by not making them, but by the very fact that we can choose to make them. Oh bloody hell. But well it was interesting conversation and I started talking about it at the dinner table, when Jispa got up for something, and then she got up as she finished the dinner and then was sitting elsewhere on the sofa in the living room. I looked at Jasmine and said “I was telling her something”. Jamsine looked at me and called out to Jispa and said “your dad was talking”.

I told Jispa to let it be. I dint want to talk anymore. I then whispered to Jasmine “I think she has its easy. Ever since she was a kid, she got me and whatever I could offer on a platter. I don’t think she values it as much.” And then I murmured something to the effect that outside people come to conferences once they see my name on the speaker panel and I have a lot to offer to so many people and students. I guess at home it’s not as valuable as it could be. Jasmine understood this. She knows what I have gone through or what I go through.

I study and read so much and learn so as to teach. Of all the students of mine, Jispa is my special one. It will be heart breaking when she will do this. But I don’t grudge her for this. This is what kids will do. They will not value whats in front of them. Possibly down the line, she may value what I bring to the table. I jokingly (possibly half-jokingly) told Jasmine that I am dying to meet her boyfriend. Possibly then she will know what her dad is worth. I know that weird people like me are less available, what are the chances that Jispa will meet two in her life.

But still, yesterday I was a little surprised with myself. I normally try not to switch off when it comes to family. I know how dangerous I can get with this. It can get pretty unnerving for the other side. I don’t wish it on people, but this is a simple response mechanism.

Because I read so much, I learn so much and I tech so much, I try and explain it to various people; and that is the exact reason I just shut up if I don’t find interest on the other side. There is no point pushing where nothing can be helped. So many people in day to day life, don’t know learnings from their freaking elbow, if they see it. So many don’t want to and are too preoccupied to or are just plain too arrogant to really want to know anything. Hence it better to switch off. But this works (actually really does not) with the rest of the world but is a zero-sum game with the family. You end up losing as much as anyone else. I don’t let that happen. This little blogpost is a reminder to me to say that I shouldn’t let it happen.

There are enough idiots in the world who piss me off and I don’t need them again in my life. Some have managed to be family, I can’t handle any more. This mustn’t happen. Today as I type this I realise that I have to resist this. Shutting off is not an option at home. I think this response is a means to not belittle what I have to say and not insult all that I have read. It is a way of preserving my sanity and desire to learn more. I see many kids every year. Some have an innate desire to learn and some don’t care about anything. It would kill me to see Jispa move away from learning. But then – see I have just done a Schrodinger’s on her.

I think we have influenced our kid’s reality in many more ways than we care to think.  This blog can serve so many purposes. It’s not meant to be a blog to help her understand and shape her behavior or be grateful towards us parents. It was meant to be a source of soup for her. A kind of soup you want on a rainy day, that makes you reflect and take heart in whatever issue you have. Soup, or perhaps coffee with some chocolate dust sprinkled on it. Warm. On a cold day.

Some day she will have to deal with kids, possibly her own. This will be awesome fun at the time.

Parenting is alike a freaking rollercoaster that just doesn’t stop, it slows down and when it does, its typically when its creaking upwards, making a weird sound to let you know that it’s going to just take you over the edge and give you the scare of your life; and when you are done with it, you should go back happy thinking that was a swell ride. Ya sure. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Of all, not on Jispa for sure.

Fun fact – I can handle roller coasters of all types, I find the humble tea cup ride a crazy nightmare. I can handle anything that goes round and round. Conversations included ;)

laughter bring you together

That was just something Jispa and I share. We love the minions and their idioticity.  I did not go to watch the Despicable Me part 2 as I think it was in 3D. I am not a great fan or 3D and typically it cause me to get a headache. Jispa loved it and saw it and wanted me to see it. I got the chance to see it on a flight to Shanghai. I remember seeing it and laughing to myself. I was trying not to look silly like I see the others do it. You get these guys who watch some funnies on the flight and laugh out loudly. It funny to see individuals break up into laughter on their own with the headphones on. I guess its ok when the gang is laughing with you and everyone finds it funny. But laughing all to your own is something extremely odd. Some guys laugh more than others. Like this time when kingfisher started showing videos of the Laughter challenge with comedians all vying for a few guffaws. I never found them all that funny, but it was ok. You would always find one or two characters who would laugh uncontrollably. And finally when I saw Despicable me 2, I was controlling not to laugh out loud like them. The minions are extremely funny.

Jispa laughs uncontrollably at times. She can go on and on like I would have when I was her age. I found it extremely difficult to control laughter till I was I think around 22 or 23. I would laugh hysterically till my stomach hurt like hell and that would also barely help in bringing sanity back. I remember trying my best to stop laughing in serious situations. NCC drills were a few instances where I would have to control and end up not laughing. Somebody does something funny and your drill commander would insist on maintaining decorum and I would be the one not able to control and would be singled out for some more punishment to stop my laughter. Oh dam it.

Now life is slightly more in control but it’s still amazing to see something with Jispa. Her giggling and laughing is great fun. We get together and can laugh all the way and Jasmine will not understand what’s so funny. She will look at us and we will start laughing all over again. Jasmine wont find amusing at all. In fact we have a term for it “Mom is not amused” or she has this “I am not amused” expression. Just saying this to each other will make us laugh all over again.

It should be fun when Jispa grows a little bit older. Then we could be watching some movies together. That would be fun. Movies like Delhi belly and others would be funnier with her. In a few years movies like Angoor or some others like the sort may be equally funny to both of us, or the Mahabharata scene from jaane bhi do yaaron. Currently we are stuck at Khichadi – the movie. Ya ya. I see you judging us :)

Laughter is a great way to bond and none better than going together and enjoying a few jokes. Jasmine laughs much lesser but she does find a few things really funny. It was my specialty that I could make Jasmine laugh at will when I was in college. Slowly she seems to have been immune to my antics. She possibly finds it more boring now. Bah! I was telling Jispa about it and then telling her that now she finds me funny and all, but wait till she gets older. She will find me irritating or simple “not funny”. I have to keep inventing so many things to have fun with her. I am scared that I will run out of stuff by the time she grows up. Opps. That will be one tough time.

who would have guessed?

Right now elections are on our head. with the General elections coming up to decide the prime minister of the country the imagination of the nation is fired up. On one side the incumbent Congress ruled by the family and a seemingly inept young candidate – Rahul, is pitted against the big man from Gujarat with a massive PR blitz – Modi. Its fun to watch the two in action. The congress seems to be commiting one blunder after and another and Modi can seem to do no wrong. He has tall claims and promises and promises a lot. The young scion bumbles and struggles to take grand and prefers the boring grass roots approach. Good intentions in my book, but good intentions can’t do much for PR.

But the fun bit is that I love to see the way Indians are divided along these lines. It’s stupid. They have this amazing love for the right wing fascist dictator who simply claims and promises without really doing anything. And the young Turk gives plenty of guffaws to his detractors that even the diehard loyalist finds it difficult to support him. But people don’t understand the cause, the lies and the commonsense around the entire thing. The economy is not that easy to run. It has a mind of its own and is affected by global factors and things far beyond its control.  And blindly supporting one against other is an act of stupidity. Then comes the AAP party. Built on the anti-corruption stand, this party has tasted success in Delhi only to do even more fun and entertaining stuff. Their chief minister Kejriwal, another seemingly well intentioned guy is prone to protesting even while being in power. Surrounded by a string of leftists he tries to restore the power to the people. He probably never read the book ‘animal farm’.

No no… I don’t have any solution. I am not the stupid devil’s advocate who swings both ways. I have my views and I am going to vote selfishly, in my favor. The world be dammed. That is if I vote at all. But the pressure is pretty strong. I can’t be seen without a mark on my finger after Election Day. In a world of self-righteous people trying to uphold dharma, I would be a complete misfit. In any case these days if I open my mouth I am a conversation ender. The other day in the car while I was dropping some the kids to the station on the way home, somebody spoke about Rahul’s speech and Modi. I opened my mouth and there in three minutes I achieved absolute silence. WTF. When you simply question belief and ask tough questions people are forced to think twice. And that’s the first time they do it and hence the silence. But I have learnt to keep my comments to myself over these years. Keep quiet and let the party flow. Don’t kill it.

Forces of economics and collective human nature are not easy to fight. The trick is to manage the situation and push for small bits of change. You must have your philosophy in place and then slowly work towards it. Small bits of change will push the policy over a period of time and thence the population. Very rarely would big change be effected in a small period of time and rarely in the way that you would have envisaged. Being nimble and smart and taking small steps towards a direction is what gets you anywhere. That is the advice of an older man, I guess.

Also I came across this video which sums up the entire equation. Here is a bunch of comedians who figured out that this all tamasha is a bunch of crap and designed to have divisive opinions where no underlying exists. It’s a house of cards. A fuc*&INg Ponzi scheme.

That is the role of free speech in life. The ability for people to bluntly say what they want, poking fun at anything they wish to criticize. It’s so bloody important. I have tried my best to keep that in the house. One must poke fun openly and bluntly and one must have the grace to accept it and also have a retort. Most of the time we are impervious to such blatant humor at our expense. I try and be open to it. While in a position of power in the office in my team, I am naturally the big guy who crack jokes at anyone. But then there are some in the team who cock a snook at my position and decide that I am fair bait as well. They are the young and the irreverent and they keep me on my toes. These are few and far in between and I keep them very close to my heart. They keep me in check.

At home I am fair game for Jispa to also similarly be made fun of. She can take my case anytime. Sometimes I do have to check her and tell her she is being rude but most of the time I hope I am fair game. Such fun ribbed criticism is what keeps us in check. The ability to say openly and to accept while having a retort is what keeps the lubrication of a family going. Jasmine is slightly more sensitive to this. She gets upset and that time I tell Jispa or make a sign to stop. Not everyone can handle it easily, with a sleight of hand. But not having it altogether is a crime I do not want to commit.

It’s not been an easy journey for me to be happy about such comments. It has taken time and effort and bit of wisdom and self-belief topped by oodles of self-deprecation for me to reach here. I had two elder siblings who would push me to the edge with their brand of humor. Then I had NCC where the atmosphere is pretty unforgiving. Then was office. You learn over a period of time. Sometimes I give Jispa a hard time and Jasmine tells me to stop irritating her. But I told Jasmine ‘you Jispa doesn’t have siblings. She is not going to be picked up on by anyone at home. I give her a bit of a hard time sometimes just to fill in the gap. She should learn to be picked up on and learn to deal with it in a smart way’. My siblings were pretty tough on me. Pretty tough, especially for someone who kept loyalty and love as the primary standard. So it was a bit of a letdown. I am not doing the same to Jispa, just a few gentle nudges towards what having a set of irritable siblings mean.

Who would have guessed  - the health of a democracy can be gauged at its ability to laugh!

growing up and drifting apart

A couple of weeks back was our big family vacation bash. Mom, my brother, his wife, sister, her husband, their sons, Jasmine, Jispa and me. I was dreading this week. The last time also we went we weren't exactly happy about the whole thing. This time was a semi disaster. It gets pretty irritating with all the families which have now become so different from each other. We all like different things, we do different things, we see differently and we are very different tourists. Mom is one of those who wants to see all the attractions and tick them off as done. My brother couldn't care less. I and my family like to stay in one attraction for long and don’t like to stress out too much and my brother in law couldn't care less for history. He likes long walks in cold woods.

It was as expected an unmitigated disaster with mom getting on the nerves of my brother and me. We both tried our best to stay focused and be happy and try not to get provoked by mom. Sometimes he kept cool and sometimes it was my turn to cool down. I think as a family we remain reasonably happy by recognizing our differences and not attempting to reconcile them. Bro and I are like chalk and cheese. There is little connecting the two. Same with sis and me. For some reason we grew up to be very different individuals. And the worst thing for me is when I can’t have any intelligent conversations with anyone on a trip. Jasmine is a happy listener but Jispa is the best. She listens, asks questions, understands and provokes. We have many conversations. But with my family no one wants to have any conversation with me. On so many things I am the resident expert but my opinion counts for jack. My bro in law is attempting to run a place in the hills as a home stay. I told him the best thing for him would be to be active on trip adviser  In today’s age you possibly don’t even need a hotel website. You can have official photos and videos of your property hosted on trip adviser and the best thing to get is other guest comments on your property. You don’t even need to put in fake comments. Any active member will easily spot fake comments when you see that there is only one glowing recommendation of a traveler. That is so obviously a fake. Real comments are balanced and useful. And then I tried talking something else – but I realized that I wasn’t making any real sense to anyone.

I kept quiet. I told Jasmine – now I understand what gets me bugged. I am the youngest one. All my life I was told I was a stupid kid who couldn’t control my emotions or my tongue. I would be the stupid boy who they all ran over. I rarely made any sort of sense. Now I am 37 but still a boy in their eyes. Its doesn’t matter that firms are currently paying lakhs and putting crores of rupees on the same advice that I am giving for free to them. Hehe. I don’t think they can see that value. I must be dumb to open my mouth.

The only real active conversation I had on the trip was with my nephew. He studies in Doon school and suddenly as a 15 year old he has emerged as a very strong beautiful brainy boy. I explained and talked to him about a lot of subjects. He was an active listener and asked me tons of questions and we spoke about politics, economics, religion amongst others. My family wondered what conversation was happening. Jasmine and Jispa are used to this. The others don’t understand. Possibly my nephew wasn’t encumbered or prejudiced by childhood.

All in all even Jispa came back and was not entirely happy. On the way back I explained to her and had a small chat – see Jips – things happen. Families move away from each other and stay separately. Their styles change and their modes of enjoyments change. It’s not that we are good and others are bad. Each one has their own style of enjoying. In fact that you did not enjoy as much shows that we are rigid in our thinking. We want it our way. That’s not always how it’s going to be. So understand that even though we are one blood, after staying away for long we have drifted in many ways.

I don’t want her to be negative. I don’t want to have any conversations that try and show our family superiority over others. There is no such thing. People are different. Their likes and tastes are different. A family needs to give space to each other and recognize the differences, or even celebrate them. My bro and I fought like dogs as children but have grown to trust and be with each other by recognizing the very fact that our planes do not intersect. Full stop. I too realized it this time around, how different we have become. My style cannot function everywhere. It must change or must be grinned and borne. That’s the truth. Or least my version of the truth ;)

Family time!

We burnt the Raavan again this year.  This year it got bigger with even more people coming in. We got parents and children all involved in the making. To cope with the rush we made two Raavans. Two other kids used this occasion to celebrate their birthdays and it became a party with cake cutting and food. So first we made the Raavans, and then we burnt them and then we played with firecrackers. With the kids being a majority of girls there were no bombs, only lots of sparklers and flower pots to be lit up. That’s a nice way to celebrate it. Some kids from also joined in and it resulted in a whole evening of fun. This was all in the garden behind our home. For dinner, we moved into the garage. We removed the cars and lo – we had enough space to fit in 30 guests and a lot of fun.

This around though I haven’t yet asked Jispa if she enjoyed the party. I haven’t had the guts to ask her. kids came, we burnt Raavan and we enjoyed. Jispa was exceptionally well behaved. Normally when the kids come in in large number they are now at an age where they start having ego wars and groups. Kids start crying, one is set against the other and they want to do their own thing. One kid cried on something and the mothers were trying to mollify her. After some time, we had to proceed with the cake cutting at which I told Jasmine to read the riot act at her. Just get on with it and stop crying. No time for molly codling. The mothers were still trying when I just walked up and said – too much now…get on with it, there is no time for this. We are cutting the cake now! I think the kids too much attention and its spoiling them in different ways. But forget that.

Jispa was active in the process of making the Raavan. Devoid of any ideas the other kids simply made the Raavan faces and then left to play on their own. For Jispa this is not new. She knew what all the Raavan needed and she proceeded to make the sword and the shield for the Raavan. Quietly she stayed inside and made the relevant stuff and decorated the Raavan. I was impressed.

Buts it’s also a case of the parents being actively involved and showing the kids what to do. A few kids were sent it by the parents along with other parents. But that’s not the point of this event. The Raavan can’t be made by the kids. It is a big thing. It can only be made by the parents who also struggle a whole lot. I think last year we could make it as Jasmine and I were actively involved. Normally our partnerships work very well. This time with two Raavans we struggled. Then Jasmine asked me to help the other team and then I was concentrating on both the effigies and then it could translate into a semblance of form and structure.  It came out pretty good in the end. Some of the other mothers were also actively involved.

Everyone finally enjoyed in the end. Some craft work, some snacks, some coke, a chance to work and build something, firecrackers, cake cutting and pav bhaji. What else does a family want? What else.

Here you are - 37 heads plus two champions with ten each! What a lovely day!

Speak it, pur pyar se (but with love)

The other day in the morning while I was dropping jispa to school, she was a little cross with me. She said that Jasmine and I were making too much fun of her for a particular thing. Yup. But Jispa don’t you make fun of us too. Don’t you make fun of me? When mom does something, we make fun of her and when dad does something mom makes fun of me. Come on man, that’s how a family works. That’s what keeps family in check.
Then I started – “you want what a monarchy is? It’s when a king rules. And now we have democracy (which I had explained to her earlier) what’s the worst thing about a king? He is answerable to no one. He is a king because he was born one or is the most powerful person.” “But can’t his ministers tell him anything?” “No Jispa, his ministers also can’t. Didn’t you read Akbar and Birbal. In spite of Akbar being wrong, Birbal couldn’t directly tell Akbar anything, so he used to think of clever ways to tell Akbar. Because if the king is pissed at you, you are in trouble. He is most insensitive to criticism. That is something we must avoid at all costs. In a democracy, I explained the most important role is that of the opposition. It’s their job to criticize” I explained. “err – what is opposition” Jispa asked. “Well… You know the Prime minister is from the Congress party.” “Yes” she said. “That is the ruling party. The other party is the opposition, and India right now that’s the BJP.” “Is it the one with the clock symbol” she asked. “no, that’s is another party. This is the NCP. The BJP is the lotus and the orange flags”. “ah yes” she said. “You see, the ruling party is always scared that whatever they do, they will be criticized. They will have to always do good stuff. If they think of something stupid then the opposition will slam them. That’s what keeps them in check”. “oohhh”. I think the penny dropped.
Just at the time we hit school and she was to be dropped off. She gets out saying “you know dad, it sounds if you are giving a lecture. What you are saying is interesting, but the way and the tone is very boring. Like you are giving a lecture”. Rascal, %%$$##@&. Luckily she was out of the car and half way to the school gate before I could react. BLAT! I came home and told Jasmine about this. Her eyes opened wide and I said “ya. That’s exactly what I was saying. The freedom to criticize authority. She just used it. I have no option but to accept”
Freedom to criticize is such a fundamental concept. I don’t think we seem to get it. We think of every criticism as an assault on our fundamental right to feel right about everything we do. We are correct and in positions of power we are God. No one in power likes to listen to criticism. Be it a parent or a boss. Why do we behave thus? Even a child’s first instinct is to reject it or take it personally. Is it a deep down genetic instinct or is it largely due to the criticism giver that we react thus. For years we have thought that those who love us don’t criticize us. So if you criticize someone do you not love them? Can you not improve, is change that hard?
I have tried and tried really hard to accept it. I have changed my first reaction from ‘screw you’ to possibly you are right. I keep telling myself that one must improve, constantly improve and to improve one must listen, come from a stand point that the other person might have something to say, or a point you might have missed. It is the most difficult thing to do. You must start by at least by understanding the counter point.
So at home, I have always encouraged Jispa to speak her mind. Speak it out loud and clear. Now as she is learning to speak I am trying to teach her to be constructive about it. While its important to be clear, its also important not to be direct and blunt about it. Be polite, sweet and bear the flaw while trying to communicate what you want to change about it. One thing this will do for sure is severely undermine authority as we traditionally understood it at home.
I was telling Jasmine to be very careful now with Jispa. We have taught her to think and to talk. She will give it back sooner or later. If Jasmine and I are not careful, we will get it back and hard. My mom had told me not to teach my daughter to argue. Don’t talk with her like this. You will regret it. Yes. I will get hurt by it, but I will surely hope not to regret it. If she is to stand in this world on her own, she will learn to give it back. What I must now surely focus on is to allow her to give it back politely and without malice. When Jispa and jasmine fight, I keep telling Jispa, ssshh… quiet. Don’t push mom thus. You might be right but understand the context and fight right. You don’t play direct and blunt. You play it slow and easy.
With me her fights are different. I listen. She gets jammed for over emphasizing a point or pushing it too far. I keep telling her – I am listening, aren’t I? Then relax and tell me the issues. It forces he rot think rather than attack. I agree to a few points. Promise to solve a few and if outside my control, I tell her I am powerless.
Hope fully she will learn to say it, hopefully as a family we will learn to accept and change a lot of things. Hopefully we won’t bite each other’s heads off. Hopefully we change for the better. One doesn’t know about change, but one is certain – absence of criticism will lead to disaster.
I came across this lovely podcast that seriously questions Apple’s Chinese vendors and their commitment to basic worker conditions. What a brilliant podcast. The criticism starts in the first part in the form a monologue given by an artist who does these shows. He uses entertainment and humor to make a brilliant point, and then he involves us in his story and makes some very direct points. He uses emotions, leads us on… just lovely, the way he says it.
The podcast then in the second part, attempts to verify his claims, allows for points and counter points, gets expert opinion and leaves you the listener to judge and take your call. In fact it ends with a difficult to refute point on sweat shops and how the west might be completely wrong in their interpretation. It leaves you to judge and take your call. It does not take a moral stand point, which too many people seem to take these days.
To my mind this is podcasting at its best – entertaining, engaging, relevant, informative and balanced.
This is how criticism must be given. Opposite view points are critical. I have maintained that there is no absolute truth. There is only your version of it. Everything can be questioned. There are always multiple sides to what we see and what we feel. Even criticism must take this into account. While you criticize, remember you too are looking at the opposite angle. Balance it. Try and see how both coexist. Your version and the other version. And only if in your mind – if these opposites reconcile, will you find …..

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The podcast -
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/454/mr-daisey-and-the-apple-factory
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/454/transcript
Mike Daisey performs an excerpt that was adapted for radio from his one-man show "The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs." A lifelong Apple superfan, Daisey sees some photos online from the inside of a factory that makes iPhones, starts to wonder about the people working there, and flies to China to meet them. His show restarts a run at New York's Public Theater later this month. (39 minutes)
What should we make of what Mike Daisey saw in China? Our staff did weeks of fact checking to corroborate Daisey's findings. Ira talks with Ian Spaulding, founder and managing director of INFACT Global Partners, which goes into Chinese factories and helps them meet social responsibility standards set by Western companies (Apple's Supplier Responsibility page is here), and with Nicholas Kristof, columnist for The New York Times who has reported in Asian factories. In the podcast and streaming versions of the program he also speaks with Debby Chan Sze Wan, a project manager at the advocacy group SACOM, Students and Scholars Against Corporate Misbehavior, based in Hong Kong. They've put out three reports investigating conditions at Foxconn (October 2010, May 2011, Sept 2011). Each report surveyed over 100 Foxconn workers, and they even had a researcher go undercover and take a job at the Shenzhen plant. (15 minutes)

simple and practical

Today I am going to be the whole day at my Goregaon office. Which basically means that my lunch won’t be coming from home. On many such days we take the opportunity to have a family breakfast at the south Indian joints in kings circle. Within Mumbai these to be the best that south Indian has to offer. Though a lot of gujjus rave and rant about these joints I find them strictly ok compared to the real ones down south. But they are clearly head and shoulders above the rest of Mumbai.
So after we had our fill and I dropped Jasmine at the bus stop for her to go home, I was taking Jispa to her bus stop. Along the way we passed by my maternal grandmother’s house. I showed Jispa that look here, my granny (ba) stayed here. And when we used to come in from dubai for summer vacations we used to stay here. Now no one stays here. My granny died more than 25 years ago. The place is in a diaplated condition. Then I was explaining to Jispa that that was a big house and we used to go running around the house. The rooms were interconnected and we used to run around in circles with my granny chasing us. Poor thing used to walk around and we used to run in the opposite direction. That was good fun. I don’t know if my granny would be really furious at us or was merely pretending while chasing us down.
I was explaining to her how it was a huge house and ba had a full floor on top as her house. “a full floor? Your ba was very rich?”. “Yes” I answered. “She was. And not only the floor, that whole building and the next building belonged to her”. “now who stays there?”. Well now Jispa was opening the pandora’s box. Who stays there, now. “hmm Jispa, no one for now.” “why”. “well that property is in dispute”. “What’s dispute” she asked. I saw that one coming. “The brothers and sisters are fighting, rather arguing about the property. Whose it is and who can have it”. “Why are they arguing? And why does anyone have it. They all have homes in any case right?” “Yup they have homes. It’s not the home they are fighting about. They want to sell the land and then keep the money” “so then they can easily divide the money equally nah?”, “well ok, but they don’t agree on how to divide the money amongst themselves. Someone or the other thinks they want more. It’s like a cake and three of your friends wanting to divide it but always someone wants more than the other. How do you just divide it? And it’s not just this land. There is also a factory in Mahim that made labels. That too is in dispute and I think it no longer is running.” “Why has that stopped running”. Well... “There the two brothers could never decide on how to run the factory. One would want to run it this way and the other would want to run it the other way”. “but can’t they just agree that you run it in your half this way and the other just let me do his bit. If anything is wrong then they can just come together on the best decision” Jispa thus added her simplistic and pretty practical wisdom. Only if we listened to eight year olds more often. “ ya it possible but ego gets in the way. Let me explain. Like when you hate me sometimes, even if I am talking sense you don’t want to listen to me. Do you. You think I am bad and don’t listen. Same way ego gets in the way sometimes and things don’t improve” “but I listen to you afterwards nah?” “Sure you do. But sometimes when people fight so much that they start hating each other and stop listening to each other”. “strange”
Young Jispa did not understand why we idiots keep fighting and spoiling our lives. Young Jispa has enough wisdom to keep disputes away and enough practicality to keep her content and happy. Let’s just hope life doesn’t corrupt young Jispa.
This incident reminds of two of my best teachers. Dharen and Prof Navalkar, both believed that strategy is simple. If it is not simple then it is not strategy. Jispa’s solutions are simple and practical. Only the silliness and the complications in our brains stop us from adhering to them. Sometimes when Jasmine and I fight, I think we must get Jispa in to solve our disputes. She makes for a good reasoning board.