what we align to

Religion is always an interesting subject. I have had a lot of time to think about this. It is a contentious topic. And if you have followed the blog in past years you would have realized that I have recently turned a complete atheist. But it difficult for me to completely be a 100% atheist as I grew up fairly religious and I can’t say that I have had a life untested by faith. Jispa is unique in that way is that she is going to grow up untested till she decides from her own free will to test faith.

By questioning religion openly I am sure I will rub a lot of people the wrong way. It is not the right thing to do in parties, conversations and discussions. People see atheists as anarchists that are dangerous. If you add the ability to have a cool well thought of and articulate debate to this, you have a really potent and combustible mixture. In India for sure, we don’t have this ability in a lot of people. We see faith as omnipresent and absence of which as unhuman. And if I don’t see you as human, possibly then the rights of mankind don’t apply in dealing with you and hence… I know, this is dramatic but this is in many ways a reaction that is immediate and predictable (predictably irrational) and is something I have seen again and again. But I can understand this. Religion is much more to others than what I see it for.

Ever since I have started questioning my faith, I have started questioning (or pondering about) the need for faith. It’s easy to say that faith is a useless emotion that pervades the mind of the weak. Even if I take that stand it is not correct for me to think of the same for people who have started religion. There is knowledge, philosophy and life lessons in religion. That cannot be discounted. Those who have founded religions or even set the path for propagating it are extremely intelligent and enlightened beings. Some who benefit from it are also smart and extremely manipulative people. So it is not a kingdom of foolishness founded by fools. There is some truth and merit in the institution of religion which must be seen and the surface scratched to gleam some insight.

After much thought I have come to this world view for now - Religion in my view now is not about God and his ability to run you but is about the ability for civil society to organize itself around a set of shared values. Wow that sounds pretty deep. Even I am impressed by own analysis. I think a lot of intellectuals in the past tried their hand at creating a civil society. They must have realized that society can only work in harmony if there are a bunch of rules coded that everyone follows. Rules can be enforced to a limit. There are so many invisible rules that work as a general understanding as opposed to an enforced by rule of law. Being kind and benevolent can only be a general understanding not enforced by law.

SO the elder would have figured that this order to be maintained has to be in a manner that is ingrained from birth. A simple set of guidelines duly imbibed in the population. These guidelines have be met even when no one is looking or in a situation where no one can prove ones act of moral departure. These rules can work only when they are enforced by a centrail all knowing allpowerful, omnipresent authority – GOD. He who can see all that no one can, he who instills fear into your hearts when you do wrong, he who has the power to forgive you or the power over your destiny. It can only be enforced by HIM. That’s why even forms of religion that don’t really have a central God, like Jainism or Buddhism, the central characters are given the status of Gods opposed to what they really are – enlightened humans who have searched and found truth for living harmoniously.

We take them and start praying to them as opposed to following their path and teachings and looking inward. We are scared of what is not known to us and hence we pray for a force to redeem us. Much like eth small pox goddess which was in favor till we found and eliminated the virus. Religion I think was therefore invented to create a moral fabric that binds people even when they are dark to everyone around. This moral fabric is important for civil society to function properly. It allows for people to trust each other – you often see people helping other people of a similar cast / religion etc. People may not donate normally but are happy to give copious sums of money for religious reasons.

So religion is important, or should I say was important when it started. It created a set of shared values and an ecosystem that was necessary for trust and society to flourish. It created a culture. In today’s day and age, is it required? Can democracy, a vibrant media, an era of information sharing, do we need religion? I don’t know. If we realize that society requires people to be together, celebrate together. Play together, would we need religion? Corporate houses don’t require religion o bind and hence they create a culture and they have various events around which the employees congregate and share their lives. These shared lives are a type of religion. Only difference is that in religion you are born into it and you can really get out. The others are indoctrinated into it and then it becomes a cult.

But why am I talking this religious mumbo jumbo? Over the last weekend we went to this place near Ahmednagar called Meherabad. My brother and his wife are believers and have a couple of bunglows there and spend a lot of time there. I am ok with that except when it comes to going to the Samidhi and the taking into many teachings from there. Nothing I saw there as Meher baba’s teachings are something that I can find fault with. It seemed to be simple and straight forward and it seemed to foster brotherhood. But I saw people believing in him as an avatar (he called himself that as well, I am led to believe). It made no sense to me as if I don’t believe in God then his avatar seems even more ridiculous. We quietly ignored that bit. As a family they took us to the Samadhi and we just went along. I was too polite to get in to acts of rebellion or debate. We played along. We went to the Samadhi (I think where his last rites were held) and folded hands.

I had a chance to talk to Jispa there as well. She too was polite. She and I looked at each other knowing, we don’t believe and that we don’t really approve of this. I was telling her that she is lucky to have a life untested by faith and that is something I can never have.

I often wonder if religion is a necessity that I have deprived a child of or have I given her something greater. The ability to choose to have a moral principle or like I tell anyone – I don’t discuss morals with anyone. I don’t want to create, impose or advise people to have moral principles. You have your own, I have my own. They are personal. Just because I am Jain does not mean I will not eat onions. My reasons to be vegetarian are not because of my religion but choice. Same is for anyone around me. I rather focus on logic and the ability to live harmoniously for everyone’s benefit and whatever it takes for it is good. This too is selfish as a set of shared principles are good for the society at large.

That’s why I was telling that I am happy that festivals are celebrated in the building. It creates a common code for meeting and binding people. It’s like a cricket match as well. Same principles ally.  That’s why politicians promote sport and so do corporates. Bind over shared systems. In a hyper connected environment millions of loose connections will replace strongly held connections like religions or family ties. Religions will find themselves out of favor soon enough in any case. It will be interesting to see their reduction of preeminence. It will be replaced by loyalties to cities (sport teams in leagues – see), nations, hobbies (photography, dancing, exercise) and stuff like that.

The faster we see this the better it will be for us, after all a binding that is fun and chosen into as opposed to be born into will always be better and more connected. A well-crafted secular constitution with broad set of rules and leaves everything else to imagination will replace religious texts for framing our behavioral paradigms. This is my vison for the future but of course, it will have to fight a history of religion, hatred, brotherhood, family ties etc. So all the sporting leagues that use cities as a base are actually slowly denting the strangle hold of religion and giving people greater causes to bind themselves with. For the hell of me, I have never understood why we want to watch the matches of the cities we live in and support – we should be watching the sport for the love of it. But then….

the old will inherit the earth

There is so much to learn from everyone and everything. A few years ago when the founder of the bank I worked in, was given a kabaddi team to own and manage, he turned to the marketing head and he in turn, turned to me. I jumped at the opportunity. I had in my team a marketing resource who was ready to work on it with me. Later on, I migrated him full time into the team and now is the CEO of the team. Yesterday when I met him at the match venue, it was amazing to see him grow into an independent manager and he had managed through the force of his strong will and extremely amiable personality to run the fortunes of the team around. While being a part of this team’s journey and process, I too learnt a lot about the complex business of sports and the even more complex business of talent management.

When the coach and the captain are at cross roads who do you back? The answer is not so easy. When you have to choose one, who do you choose? The Indian cricket team was at this dilemma some time back. They had a captain who was young, aggressive and energetic. A player who might finish as one the greatest ever and a team who was moving into a brand of aggressive cricket, not seen by Indians before. This cricketer, Virat was given a free hand and he set upon destroying and rebuilding the team in his aggressive mould. He was the first captain we saw in a long time who decided to play 5 bowlers in a test match. This is serious aggression. The norm was to go in with 4 bowlers so that you can pack an extra batsman. Batsman typically help you consolidate your match while a bowler is what you go for when you want to force the game. Batsman react and defend and then wear down the opposition to win you the match. A bowler in a test match plots to get the batsman out and win the match. Bowlers are the artillery and batsmen are the moat for a test match.

Then news filtered out from the dressing room that the captain was not getting along with the coach. The coach was Anil Kumble, possibly one of the greatest players of the game. He was not too long ago an aggressive leg spinner with a different bowling style and was India’s go to man in any match situation. Leg spinners are an aggressive wily breed. They have deception, flight and variation; plus they love getting hit. The more a legspinner gets hit the more he loves it as that increases the chances of getting wickets. Also Anil Kumble for the first Indian test captain to start giving it back to the Aussies real hard and in Australia. He took on a side that was being built in the aggressive mold by Ganguly and then pushed it over before turning it to his successor. He added discipline, team work and aggression to the team.

Then immovable object met unstoppable force. When Virat and Kumble sparred, the board was forced to choose. They choose Virat. Kumble was asked to leave and another ex indian captain, known to leave a lot to the captain was taken in by the team. Which is the mot question. Who is the boss? Is it the coach or is it the captain. Cricket is different from football. In football, its not that important to have a great inspirational captain. You cant really control the pace of the game and strategize while at play. You practice set pieces and then the team executes them on the field. Cricket is almost all captain. The captain makes a decision every ball. He has the ability to set the field, make bowling changes and give instructions to the bowler every ball. He can decide to force the pace of the game or slow it down. He controls the batting order and keeps the strategy flowing. A captain is integral to the team and the coach has limited role to play while the match is in flow.

Kabaddi is also a bit of that. Every raid or defense, the captain controls the team on the mat. My kabbadi team is in a similar dilemma. We have had our share of captains and coaches. The moot question is facing us right now. Who is the boss? The captain or the coach. Who is the boss? We face this dilemma in office as well. It’s the work ethic versus the personality ethic question. Who is right?

The role of the star player is to perform but within the strategy of the coach. In kabaddi the coach very clearly told the star captain – don’t attempt the bonus against the corners, there are ankle specialists there. The captain promptly went and did just that and got out – twice. So now what happens? Who gets the boot? The coach or the star.

There is no easy answer to this. I have my answers but I also know in my heart that they are not so black and white, and definitely not easy. It comes from a perspective of the immediate ambition or long term health. My answer is easy – you have to know what the system that you are trying to create. To me the right answer is that the coach is the absolute total authority and that he manages the team and the strategies and that he is the right person in such situations. I have always believed that process over personality in the long run. But that also means that I have by definition removed the personality from flourishing. That is a serious mistake to make. If you remove the personality then all you get is clones who are designed to simply follow orders and commit themselves to the process. This is the start of the bureaucracy. Look at me. I want the process for everyone but I want personality for myself. Such a two faced ass I turned out to be. Personalities are important as they take society forward, they take companies forward, they break norms and they challenge status quo. But Process is important it brings predictability to the process and they have the ability to give consistent results. The theoretical answer to this that the coach’s job is to put in a process that people follow but also allow personalities to emerge and flourish.

There, so easily said. But so difficult to follow through. In fact I think it’s impossible to do it. The problem is this is so easy and apparent in hindsight. Hindsight. It is impossible to see it coming when you are leading the pack in a certain direction. This is the bleeding edge of leadership and team dynamics. How to allow mavericks to perform within bureaucracy – consistently. Now that I look at myself, I don’t understand what I am. I am a personality and a process guy all rolled into one. I want process but I also know that personalities exist and for a good reason. For myself, I allow my personality to flourish and manifest in various situations at various points of time. But at the same time I firmly believe in the power of process to make things work. The ability to constantly follow a norm and a pattern so as to get the efficiencies of scale and predictability. The plan must work. Like a bowler who consistently bowls a nagging line outside the off stump to irritate the batsman more than getting him out. Or a batsman – like me who was not so good in the A team but played a 45 over match. Here we scored heavily in the 20 over but lost wickets and I got my batting as the 8^th or 9^th batsman in the 22^nd over. I batted like a joker and refused to play any shots as my job at that time was simple – bat out the 45 overs and tire and frustrate the opposition. That’s process and personality for you. I made the process of shutting out the game and not playing my natural style for 23 overs my personality. Process over personality.

This is one of the yo yo issues. As I said before, the cop out is to say – know when to use what. Or even better – the process must allow for mavericks to be within the process and shine. All this is easy consultant speak and impossible practical implementation. Managing people is an art and science at the same time. That’s why at different times, different people emerge as ideal leaders. Some do well in a crisis and some do well in peace. The trick is in understanding one from the other. Not in selecting one from the other – just a simple understanding. Because no matter what you select the odds of selecting eth right one is like tossing a coin. You have no real clue on what is really going to work. In hindsight it all comes out insightful and there are learnings to take on board. Going in – it’s impossible to know what to do.

Yet the belief for me is – process still counts. Push for process as without it you are doomed to fail. You cannot scale and you cannot build consistency. As for personality – at all times look to nurture personality. Allow for idiosyncrasies. Allow them to grow without disrupting too many people. They can disrupt the process but not the people alongside. They are important as they are the only ones who can bring about meaningful change. The others follow. Both have their own place in the sun. Balancing the two is a fine act. There comes the tyranny of ‘or’ versus ‘and’. Very few people can manage ‘and’, for the most of us it is an ‘or’ choice. That’s why when people manage ‘and’, magic happens. That’s why we have so few of these cases and that’s the reason when it happens, history gets rewritten.

As I have grown older I have realized that I am an ordinary mortal soul in the universe. I may not be destined for greater things. I am a simple father setting in motion a set of things for others to build out of. I see no greatness and I have no pretense of one. It will be difficult to do / achieve anything spectacular. In office, I am sure there are 30,000 people who love to be one day reach my level. But that is not greatness or anything to be proud of. It’s a passage of time with common sense.

When I was much younger, I shudder to think of what a hot headed dumb bum I was. Now I know I am a little less of it. I may still be dumb headed but at least I have the wisdom to acknowledge it and hence learn from it. Can you really change so much. I don’t know. May be not. May be you can reduce the intensity but when your guards are down you will again show your real side.

This does sound like a little bit of a depressed post with little hope for change. I don’t mean it to be thus. It is a reflection of the little mental setbacks that I am getting these days, I guess. It’s just a way to make up for the optimism that   I have exhibited in some of my past posts. I think I have written, rather naively about the belief that people can change and that managing people is a simple equation and a question of behavior. I guess it’s not. It’s far more complex than this. People will not change so easily and the group dynamics are far too complex than anything else. Possibly right now, I am in a zone that says, that the answers are complex and that opposites may not reconcile so easily.

Eesh. I now understand why older men are wiser and understand discretion to valor equation. I am growing older and the only wiser thing I know is that no one can really get much wiser …hehehe.

does the box belong to Pandora or Schrodinger

Over a period of time, one changes. Someone was asking me about people and how we change. My belief is that typically people don’t change themselves too much. They change and many times it looks big, but most of the time, it is a representation of something that was there in them from the start. An avatar of it, comes out. So essentially you are the same person but just a different manifestation of yourself comes out. People and circumstances do that to you. How long can you go about being beaten and getting jammed by the world, before you put your foot down and change.

The new friend in office is the HR lady. She is sweet and we seem to get along. Possibly she is one of the older recruits we have had and this brings a certain sense of stability to her behavior vis a vis the rest of the jokers. She was saying that she can’t make out what I am. She is understanding a new perspective about me every time. Ah well. She said that sometimes I am damn tough and sometimes, I am a softy. I was telling her that as a kid, a young recruit, I was pretty naïve and simple. I was innocent, loyal and straight forward. I believed in what people said. Soon enough, I became hardened and you can’t just take me for a ride every time. Shit happened and kept on happening with me in my life and you change. I would to be the 21-year-old me. I loved myself then. I really was a sweet kid. Now I am an asshole. I have changed.

So here, I have changed but not as much as it seems. I still care, I am still more trusting than suspicious, I still like to give stuff rather than receive and fundamentally, I just try and be the person I would like to interact with. That’s how I have become.

Yesterday I was telling Jasmine – I don’t know how, but this weird part of me has come out. In sense that I can love and give and give and love till a point – and then, if you still don’t get it, I simply just shut off. I am done. And once I am done – it’s over. I can be there but it’s over. It happened with Mom. I loved her and gave a lot to her. I was loyal and by her side. I tried to keep her happy and manage her expectations for many years. I asked Jasmine to manage and I exacted greater sacrifices from them. Till a point that Jispa was born. I remember that it was about the point that I just gave up. I kept quiet. That was a snapping point. Till that point I was the sweet kid who could do anything, and when break point happened, it was so quick and fast that it seemed like I just flipped a switch. I would be very worried when I keep quiet and I try not to. Because once that happens, it always dangerous. Getting me back is not that difficult, but it will never be the same.

It happened to people at work as well. One kid I taught, he was drifting away and I gave him a nice job with me. He was okay at his work. I kept him going till appoint came when he decided to leave. Sure, you must leave, I try my best to ensure that people who work for me find new havens elsewhere. But this kid hid his job search from me, which I understand and then he never told me which firm he is about to join. That was bad and something that I did not accept. You cannot be that secretive from me, especially if you hold me in any regard. That was it, I rarely did speak to him afterwards.

I see this turning off behavior many times when I deal with people. I just choose to keep quiet or not tell. If it’s not going to help then it’s not worth it. My life gets selective. Old colleagues who bitch about me, get this as well. You have to decide what you want from me and what you are going to give me. If you want good friendship then you go the whole hog. If you want camaraderie then that’s what you are going to get and if you want a good colleague then that’s that. It’s the confusion in your mind that will get my goose. I don’t abandon friends no matter how bad they may have been to me. I am there, just the avatar that they are used to, changes. This is something they don’t understand.

This is something about me that I fight a lot with myself when it comes to my family. I know that the off switch is very very difficult to turn back on and hence I try and stay away from it at all times. Jispa is dangerously flirting with the off switch in some aspects.

I have always maintained a system in which I talk and discuss a lot of things and try and impart learnings. All my life, I have learnt, not for just expanding my knowledge but in a large part so as to expand it to those around me. Talk to people, let them learn from your experience and knowledge. This is the way for knowledge to expand and further gain roots in your own head. It gives the greatest joy. Jispa gets the best from this as I explain various different things to her. But these days as she changes and as she grows up, she has little time and little patience to give me. Just yesterday itself, I had an interesting conversation with a swim parent and this one was someone who I was trying to explain on the role of government and how it is becoming a ‘Big Brother’ in our lives. While we were discussing this, I explained that how today we have so much control over our children’s life. We watch over them and we know what they are doing in their lives. My parents hardly knew anything about us compared to what we know about our child. That I keep telling Jasmine to back off is another matter for a later conversation. But that we have an overhang over their lives is a crazy thing. We are there and they know we are there. The parents have whatsapp groups that talk to each other, corroborating stories and chatting with each other. My mom knew no other mom from school. None. We parents, practically know every other one. This is influencing their behavior in many ways I argue. At a fundamental level, the kid knows about this overhang and hence his behavior is attuned to this. He will change his behavior and choices knowing our likes and dislikes and approval. So, in effect in many ways we have made these choices for them. While we were growing up, the biggest choice I think was the choice of girlfriend and the choices of our families, in many ways shaped the choice of partners we had. Some rebelled but most stayed within the norms. Today we know so much more and we therefore choose much more and therefore, what we approve or disapprove in many ways in shaping our child’s choices even before they make their choice. My friend to whom I was talking to, got it and said, Schrodinger’s cat. Yes – much like the cat, the fact that you are going to open the box and look inside has made the decision for the cat. In fact, the fact that you have the choice to opened the box and look inside has collapsed the probability and influenced the life of the cat. We make our choices for our kids even by not making them, but by the very fact that we can choose to make them. Oh bloody hell. But well it was interesting conversation and I started talking about it at the dinner table, when Jispa got up for something, and then she got up as she finished the dinner and then was sitting elsewhere on the sofa in the living room. I looked at Jasmine and said “I was telling her something”. Jamsine looked at me and called out to Jispa and said “your dad was talking”.

I told Jispa to let it be. I dint want to talk anymore. I then whispered to Jasmine “I think she has its easy. Ever since she was a kid, she got me and whatever I could offer on a platter. I don’t think she values it as much.” And then I murmured something to the effect that outside people come to conferences once they see my name on the speaker panel and I have a lot to offer to so many people and students. I guess at home it’s not as valuable as it could be. Jasmine understood this. She knows what I have gone through or what I go through.

I study and read so much and learn so as to teach. Of all the students of mine, Jispa is my special one. It will be heart breaking when she will do this. But I don’t grudge her for this. This is what kids will do. They will not value whats in front of them. Possibly down the line, she may value what I bring to the table. I jokingly (possibly half-jokingly) told Jasmine that I am dying to meet her boyfriend. Possibly then she will know what her dad is worth. I know that weird people like me are less available, what are the chances that Jispa will meet two in her life.

But still, yesterday I was a little surprised with myself. I normally try not to switch off when it comes to family. I know how dangerous I can get with this. It can get pretty unnerving for the other side. I don’t wish it on people, but this is a simple response mechanism.

Because I read so much, I learn so much and I tech so much, I try and explain it to various people; and that is the exact reason I just shut up if I don’t find interest on the other side. There is no point pushing where nothing can be helped. So many people in day to day life, don’t know learnings from their freaking elbow, if they see it. So many don’t want to and are too preoccupied to or are just plain too arrogant to really want to know anything. Hence it better to switch off. But this works (actually really does not) with the rest of the world but is a zero-sum game with the family. You end up losing as much as anyone else. I don’t let that happen. This little blogpost is a reminder to me to say that I shouldn’t let it happen.

There are enough idiots in the world who piss me off and I don’t need them again in my life. Some have managed to be family, I can’t handle any more. This mustn’t happen. Today as I type this I realise that I have to resist this. Shutting off is not an option at home. I think this response is a means to not belittle what I have to say and not insult all that I have read. It is a way of preserving my sanity and desire to learn more. I see many kids every year. Some have an innate desire to learn and some don’t care about anything. It would kill me to see Jispa move away from learning. But then – see I have just done a Schrodinger’s on her.

I think we have influenced our kid’s reality in many more ways than we care to think.  This blog can serve so many purposes. It’s not meant to be a blog to help her understand and shape her behavior or be grateful towards us parents. It was meant to be a source of soup for her. A kind of soup you want on a rainy day, that makes you reflect and take heart in whatever issue you have. Soup, or perhaps coffee with some chocolate dust sprinkled on it. Warm. On a cold day.

Some day she will have to deal with kids, possibly her own. This will be awesome fun at the time.

Parenting is alike a freaking rollercoaster that just doesn’t stop, it slows down and when it does, its typically when its creaking upwards, making a weird sound to let you know that it’s going to just take you over the edge and give you the scare of your life; and when you are done with it, you should go back happy thinking that was a swell ride. Ya sure. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Of all, not on Jispa for sure.

Fun fact – I can handle roller coasters of all types, I find the humble tea cup ride a crazy nightmare. I can handle anything that goes round and round. Conversations included ;)

la la LLI

Many years ago I started teaching, I think it was in 2002 as Jispa was born around the time I had my first teaching assignment. That time it was a fun and unique experience. It’s remained as much fun since then. But at the time I did something weird. At the end of the class I sat with each student and spoke to them – one on one. And I explained to them what they were facing in life and what they needed to do to break out… or something like that. That was a crazy thing. That was the first time I realized that I could start talking about people’s life at will. One kid was amazed because what I told her was exactly what her mother used to tell her all the time. I hardly would have taken 7-8 sessions with them but yet I knew quite a lot.

I thought that was a cool party trick where I could at will talk about people’s life and amaze them with how much I can figure. We are probably not as transparent as it may seem. In office as I grow up I normally have to counsel kids and get them to improve and they are amazed with how much I can tell. People have asked me over the years, how is it that I know so much. How can I tell? Some find it creepy and some find it crazy. For me it was a simple logical deduction. I released that I notice much more than the average Joe on a lot of things. I don’t notice this consciously. It’s more on a sub conscious level. It is there in my mind, forming patterns and images. So much is stored and then pulled out at will to create a pattern. Sometimes in office, I catch someone and randomly ask – so what’s bothering you. Didn’t sleep well? Or like the HR chick the other day – I asked her randomly – why did you not pursue your medical studies? She was wondering how I knew she wanted to be a doctor.

These things look creepy to the one on the outside but are completely logical and probabilistic to one on the inside. It’s one connection to another. It’s just that I notice a lot. Then soon I realized that this is a crazy thing to have. Some people will try and suck as much out of you, like a monkey doing tricks and some will get scared. And I also realized that this is only probabilistic. It is not a determinate science. I only build on what I know and what people agree to show me. I can go wrong and horribly so if people mislead me. And that at the end of it, it’s better for my brains to simply stop thinking.

These deductions are crazy and it’s not that I can spot someone gaming me every time, so it’s not something I have amazing gift that I can see through people. It’s only that I can somewhere try and understand your motivations and character and a bit of what defined your life coming till here, there is future I can see. At best I can only help you make a few choices by pointing the right questions…. But again nothing what you don’t know yourself.

I believed that happened because I was good at understanding probabilities and patterns. I live very happy with probabilities. I don’t necessarily need perfectly determined outcomes and plans. Add to that the fact that I have a crazy curious mind. I love to keep poking around and keep asking questions. An almost insatiable appetite for knowing why.

There was another trait which I did not think was related but I realize now is – ADD. Attention deficit disorder. In meetings and in conversations in office I quickly understand what the point the guy is trying to make and I lose the plot. I zone out. I understood the issue and want to move on. This is seen as arrogance. The other guy so many times tries to convince me that he has more to say, but I say yes or no – and say – great got it. This puts people off completely.

Another bad side of this – I just can’t understand how you don’t get it. It’s simple – it’s there on the board to see for all. It’s like staring me in the face, I keep saying – what you guys did not get it yet? This is the pattern / this is the trick / this is the answer / this is how it’s done.

All of this is interconnected and I did not know till I watched a few episodes of prison break. They talk about a condition called LOW LATENT INHIBITION (LLI). While I am nowhere near the crazy genius they show, I did try and research the term. And while I was researching I kept reading about stuff that I thought is exactly what I go through in life.

Latent Inhibition allows you to go through with life without getting insane. You block out repeated stimuli. You don’t notice everything about everything again and again. But with LLI – every time you notice everything about everything and that helps you understand if there has been a small change in stuff around you and you can draw conclusion from it.

“With low latent inhibition, an individual almost treats familiar stimuli in the same manner as they would new stimuli. Think of the details you notice when you see something new for the first time and how it grabs your attention. From those details all kinds of questions may arise in your mind. “What is that, what does it do, why is it there, what does it mean, how can it be utilized” and so on. The more of those questions you are able to figure out or answer, the better your understanding of that stimulus. The better your understanding of that stimulus, the more logical connections you are able to make between that stimulus and others around it. With the use of human memory you are then able to remember which questions you’ve already answered in relation to a particular stimulus, and those answers may then result in more questions. Low latent inhibition will usually result in extremely accurate instincts due to the sheer level of thought, processing and logical connection that has been made previously when faced with a stimulus or multiple stimuli.

So in terms of what we might see, somebody you know who’s generally always worn glasses might approach you having bought a new pair of glasses that look almost exactly the same but for a slightly different logo on the side. You usually wouldn’t notice the change of logo because your brain has almost dismissed the minor details that go with the pair of glasses they wear as ‘unimportant’. It’s your brains way of ensuring that it doesn’t need to constantly process new stimuli that probably won’t have any significance or importance to it. Yes they might wear glasses, but so what? In this example we simply see the glasses then move on.

An example of how somebody with low latent inhibition may see the same scenario could be that they almost instantly notice the smallest changes that seeing the new pair of glasses presents to them via the observation of stimuli, which may then lead to connections being made that people with normal latent inhibition might not make. For example from seeing the new logo, somebody with a low latent inhibition might deduce that their friend had been shopping since the last time they saw them, if they had been shopping they might have also recently received their monthly salary which meant they were able to buy the glasses. Did the friend have some insecurity with the last pair of glasses? If the person with low latent inhibition also knows the surrounding area well (and knows where the stores are that sell new glasses), and they know when the last time they saw their friend wearing his old glasses was (2 days ago), they might be able to work out the exact locations their friend will have been to, and depending upon which food their friend likes, where their friend might have eaten, and depending upon what their friends interests are, which other stores they might have been to after having been paid and what kind of things they might have bought…all from a small change of logo on a pair of glasses.”

You can read more here  - http://www.lowlatentinhibition.org/what-is-lli/

So it very aptly explains what I go through in life. It’s funny.

Here is another accurate description of what goes on in my mind

“You notice more, hear more, smell more and feel more through tactile contact. Without any conscious effort, your mind is in possession of a broader intake of information.

Upon encountering any form of stimulus (that interests you), your mind automatically dismantles and explores its components.

You usually see through the lies and the deceptions that people use in everyday life.

When learning, you can often make instantaneous changes.

Self-correction is easy because the underlying principle is more evident. Clearer.

You make connections and associations between seemingly unrelated material.

Comprehension is typically easy. You notice the non-verbal background information and this often provides a more comprehensive picture than what is being spoken.

There are exponential leaps of insight taking place all the time, with the background reasoning intact. Wave-upon-wave of permutations, options, variables and choices.

Creativity is a given. You see alternatives.

You notice things that other people miss.

There is no talking voice in your head. No 'chattering monkey'. The volume and complexity of the information drowns out conscious thought entirely.

Verbalising what takes place in your mind is impossible. Words render only a fraction of the entirety.

You see the world more thoroughly.

Listening to other people talking/thinking aloud can be infuriating. They are at point A when you have reached point N already.

Learning is not limited to defined periods of academic study. The assimilation of information is constant, ongoing and never static. There are no lulls or pauses. Everything offers a lesson.

Within the maelstrom of information there exists a place of calm and quietude. The eye of the storm. No verbalisation exists. No internal narrative. Just presence. No sense of self to intrude of interrupt.

Cons-

Education is awkward. Schools are not set-up to cater with this disorder. The way in which things are approached by schools seems piecemeal and incomplete.

It is difficult to write/type/speak quickly enough to articulate ideas and the breadth of the permutations involved.

Tact is necessary. People lie constantly.

LLI makes driving a car difficult. Your brain notices countless dangers and variables, and you become overwhelmed and nervous.

Hypervigilance can lead to anxiety.

Illusions are not very effective. You see through things without wanting to. Conventions and traditions have no significance.

You do not value what other people value.

Filtering out the variables and honing your options to something workable can be very difficult. Every solution potentially harbours new problems, new variables and new concerns.

People may find you to be a little odd, unorthodox or a little intense.

You have a habit of saying things that do not fit the accepted norm of behaviour. You often choose to disregard conventions because they serve no constructive purpose.

Background noise is a major problem. Noisy neighbours can cause serious stress.

Noticing things does not mean that you understand them. If anything, the abundance of what might be known lessens the desire to accumulate widespread knowledge.”

It seems that if you have LLI and a low IQ you are likely go crazy. But a higher IQ leads to creativity. And I think that’s the reason I am seen as far more creative than the average Joe.

Reading this has made me far happier about myself. In the middle I was wondering what is it that I have. Why do I see patterns that others don’t, what the hell is going on? Am I crazy or is the world DUH? It is very frustrating. Now I see it as a simple mental construct that is different from another.

And also I am happy with what my initial response was – just don’t think so much about what you are thinking. Thoughts will keep coming, just chill out and don’t give them too much importance. So more than anything else – this has helped me in some way deal with the frustration around me. Hopefully it will make me calmer and less irritable. Less moody. Less volatile. Tough shit.

the struggle to reach the fleeting buddha

I still find it queer (pun unintended) that a lot of us educated people are also homophobic. My favorite rejoinder is when people talk about how in today’s generation, we will have to accept whatever cast or creed the person who our kids choose as their life partners. I correct them to ‘yes, also whatever the sex of their partner is’. Invariably I get a slight pause. The person looks at me, catches my eye for a few seconds and tries to ascertain if I was cracking a joke or something. Nopes – no response. It’s obviously not cool to be a homophobic. So in the face of a high moral ground taken, the other guy invariably is silent. Yes I have a daughter and yes I am ok to the choice of her partner. Surely I will freak out if she chooses a druggie or someone I consider completely dumb. Also it’s another story that I am likely to find anyone who has an IQ slightly lower than Einstein as dumb especially if that person is dating my daughter. But definitely the sex bit is out of the equation.

So if it’s a senior person I am talking to – I always learnt to give that person an exit hatch. I allow that person to wiggle out of a potential wedge. So this time I allowed for – it will take one more generation for us to accept same sex marriage as it will take this generation to accept inter cast marriage. Hehe.

Allowing an exit hatch in a conversation is something I have learnt over a period of time. Especially when you have the benefit of strong insight or knowledge behind you or simply you have a strong enough counter opinion.  Life is too short to fight over such small issues such as a humble opinion. So many times I actively try getting an outlet. So I explain how the other point of view is valid and likely to be the right one or search for an excuse to honorably exit. Too many wars have been fought over petty ego issues.

There was one other incident somewhere related to this issue. I was being wooed for a job by a senior person recently. I declined but was happy to recommend a friend. The friend then told me that while having a conversation with the senior guy, the senior guy referred to me as ‘The Buddha’. To my mind there is no better compliment than that. Especially considering the fact that I have consciously worked on this. I laughed and told the friend that if you were to tell my mom something like this then my mom would burst out laughing. Jaimit a Buddha? HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH. I told my wife about the incident and guess what – she almost spat out her coffee and started laughing. ‘you a Buddha?’ HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sure. That’s the drift. Dam you guys!

Being a Buddha doesn’t come easily. You need economy of motion and expression and mental thought. The ability to leave things there while simultaneously trying to change them. That did not make sense did it – then it is a buddha’ism. But seriously that word struck me serious. I managed to, in some small tiny way, achieve a balance in my persona and achieved for however a fleeting moment – the concept of the Buddha. It felt really really nice. A lot of that comes in meetings when you don’t fight on ego and when you allow the honorable exit in meetings and discussion and then when you take people’s opinion and try and forge a consensus. And people like me – die a thousand deaths in the process. It is unnatural and difficult. But I am still gloating about the fact that someone referred to me as the Buddha. However fleeting a moment – you live in it for eternity… a ha that’s another one that didn’t make any sense… or did it.

And just a verse from William Blake. I recently read it and hence the show off

To see a world in a grain of sand,

And a heaven in a wild flower,

Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,

And eternity in an hour.

before you run, choose your race

“You know dad, boys are really irritating”. It’s that age when the boys and the girls really absolutely hate each other. Different things to do, different likes, dislikes, sports... everything. They just don’t see eye to eye on anything. Girls still have a sense of propriety, while the boys will go out of their way to disrupt any semblance of order. The way they react to situations is completely different. So I wasn’t surprised when Jispa told me that she found them painful. “Dad, we had a science lab experiment today and we were two girls and two boys. The boys just did nothing and fooled around while we two girls managed the experiment. It was so irritating.”. “Ah, yes, you know how boys are. Ignore them.”. “no. But they got all the credit for doing no work. It’s so unfair. That’s not right.”

“hah! Jispa understand the game. Right now the boys did not study or perform the experiment. They learnt nothing from it. You learnt from the experiment. You performed it and you understood it. They not only fooled around but they also got marks for it so their parents will never know that they fooled around. After wards when you go for a job, and you are competing with them, who do you think will get the job? You who understood what you did or they who did not understand. It’s in fact a good thing for you. The more people fool around the less competition you have later in life. In fact you WANT them to fool around. And GET marks for it so that they don’t realize it and improve.” The penny dropped. “Understand Jispa which race you want to win. Now or later”.

Now that’s a controversial bit of advice to give. I would normally say that one must be sweet and nice and share. I still believe that it’s important to share. I still am not telling her to be a bad person. Just telling her that every time things are not what they seem. It’s about perspective. Long run short term. What’s your perspective? And how an irritating boy who seems to be having all the fun is good for you.

I told her about one incident in college I am not likely to forget. It was b school and we had a project to get done. I was in a team with a guy and two other girls. Like usual no one really worked on the project. But the chicks worked without telling us and suddenly one day they told us that since we did not work on the project, they kicked us out. Fair. No issues on that front. I guess they were right in their way. But I was in the lurch. So I went to another guy, I think he name was Acquino or something like that. I explained my situation and he promptly took me in and convinced other team members to take me. After a few years I went out of my way to help him professionally. I met his boss and gave him strategic gyan and other information, just because it was him. I told his boss as much as well. Acquino thanked me and I told him that I merely returning his favour.

So I explained to Jispa – see what happened. There are two points to gain from being relaxed and r chilled. Selfishly it helps you both ways. So why unnecessarily stress yourself out. Let the boys remain dumb. Choose which race you want to win and then act. I think she got it.

dekho - magar pyaar se

One of the reasons that I don’t often blog these days is that my mind seems to be in a complete state of neutrality. I am unable to have strong views or even give importance to my normally strong views. All my life I never had the problem of strong views. I have always been hot headed and relished the chance to express my views. I guess if one were to see my writing style at the start of writing this blog one would possibly see the change over the last few years of my life. I believe I have changed a lot. One of the things that I have become is a … a bit of a cynic? As in I don’t really mean it in a negative way. I can possibly appreciate and understand a lot of stuff that goes around… it’s nice to see a nice play or a good movie or a lovely painting but… it’s not the same unbridled joy that came along with it when I was much younger. When someone did something nice to me or spoke nicely or gave me some importance I would attach a greater deal of value to it. Now I am more… I would like to say circumspect rather than cynical.

I have learned the hard way and the cost of innocence that the world is round. It is interconnected. People do what they want to because of various different emotions, reasons and compulsions. I have realized that no one is doing things just for giving me joy. It gives them joy as well. And I am not being holier than thou here. Even I am party to the same fallacy. I thought I did things for others, selflessly, but I too have my own reasons for doing so. Hence now I see things differently. It does not mean that I don’t enjoy the good things in life. I love movies and I love good friends, especially when they are nice to me. There are so many friends who are genuine in their care for me and my family and I thank them, I appreciate them. Only thing is that I try not to expect a lot of joy to be served to me unilaterally. I hope I making sense, without offending too many people.

Let me rephrase my thoughts – life is nice, people are nice, everything is nice. But I must take care not to take it for granted. I must do my bit to get my share. I must grow up and not expect things to be served to me just because I served it to them. Every person is different. Recognize that. Understand that and love them for who they are and not what they do to you or why they do what they do to you.

Hehehe. I said what I thought was essentially the same thing but with a more positive twist on it. I should get into preaching. The first two paragraphs is what I tell myself when I am in a mood to talk to myself in absolute honesty. I try and be ridiculously blunt to myself. To the point of a scolding. But when I talk to others, I realize that they may not be ready for some real badly said honest feedback. I too hate negative feedback. So at least I hear it from myself rather than hear from others.

One wise man told me, not to look at God also too closely; you will notice even God has blemishes. That is so true. When hold people in high or even exalted status, invariably you try and come closer and then you see them with all their dark spots. And you are left disappointed and even bitter. Things are not what they seem to be. Sometimes as the big marketing guy in office giving all that gyan, or in college lecturing, I am expected to keep an artificially high image that people hold in their hearts of me. I can see it in many eyes or possibly I imagine them in many eyes. The pressure to be a great guy is too much. I am supposed to be a great guy in so many things, that I soon start believing that I am a great guy. Over the last couple of years I realized that I am not such a great guy after all. I need to work hard like everyone else on every issue, being a good dad, a good husband, a good boss, a good friend. Everything. And all the time. It’s tough. Especially when you know you are working hard. That when you expect something back, just because you are working hard. But from the opposite perspective – its simple – that how you are supposed to be – a good _____ (fill in your role).

So life is a really tough thing to live, if you are hard on yourself. The trick is in being hard but taking it all with salt. It is to attempt to live to your values and morals and know that everything is subjective. Jispa can love me just because I let her play with the iPad and hate me because I stuff the banana down her throat before her workout. That’s ok. I have to keep trying hard and be what I think I know what’s best at the time. The trick is not to push too much as what I think is best is transient. It is subject to change, all the time.

One of my role models I realized was my brother. I think my blog writing helped me realize that. A lot of what I do in many places is what I have seen my brother do. Though I would be at loathe admitting it but a lot of his gyan in some way has found itself into my life. One of things he said was I never interfere with other parents and their children. I don’t discipline them or anything. What they do with their child is their problem. I thought that was a pretty good gyan and I try to follow it, to some extent. Of course it becomes impossible to follow it entirely when you are with so many kids as we invariably are. But I saw my brother always follow it and he never interfered with my fights with Jispa. Recently we were in dehra dun at my sisters holiday home and they have a cute pup in their premise which is looked after by the servant as my sister is not often at Dehradun.  My brother has decided not to have kids and they have a dog instead. They take care of Angel as if it’s their child. Now seeing an untrained pup, my brother took it upon himself to train the pup. He spent his time disciplining the pup and explaining my sister and her husband on how to take care of it. At one point he seriously admonished them and the servant for not letting it sleep properly. My brother really scolded the caretaker. Now I was at the sidelines looking at this. How different does one behave when one is confronted with something close to one’s heart? Wasn’t interfering with the dog master relationship the same as interfering with the child parent relationship? Surely its different in many ways but its also the same in many ways.

That’s what I believe by being a little bit more circumspect. Reality is not what we see or perceive it to be. It changes, people change. You only believe what you see. There is so much you don’t see. And in all this what blog do I write – what I see or what I don’t see. All my blogs will start looking like this. This is what I see but there is so much I don’t see. I find it difficult to hold a strong opinion and that is critical to writing. But then that is also a bad excuse, there is still so many experiences to share. They may not be worth writing about in the long run but strung together they are what I have lived and tis blog is about what I have lived so that Jispa many moons later will know what I have lived. It will just be that – a chronicle not a tomb on greater gyan. So with that I hope to write more often. I hope I have admonished myself enough, destroyed myself ego and broke my wall of excuses. Atleast I am my biggest critic or cynic!