This weekend was an important date for Jispa. She had to
swim in the Mumbai swim meet to qualify for the state meet. At first when I attended
this meet, many years ago, I saw this meet as the apex meet for swimmers in Mumbai
as they strove to get in to the next level. I remember the first time that Jispa
qualified. It was the 50-meter freestyle race and I saw the race as she came in
fourth. It was an awesome moment for us. I distinctly remember noticing that according
to me she came in fifth but the race was very tight and the line judge adjudicated
that Jispa came fourth. That was great joyous moment for me. It also meant that
Jispa would be representing Mumbai at the relay race and that would mean that a
state level Gold was in the kitty. They had an awesome team. Three from that quartet
have long given up on swimming since then.
When we put Jispa into swim, we did not realise what we were
in for. As a family, I insisted that we live the gymkhana life. I fought and
insisted that we take the Matunga Gymkhana membership and finally when we had
enough money for it, I went and paid up. For a year we did not use the
membership after we got it. Then we went to the gym and understood the sports
on offer for the child and badminton seemed to be the perfect fit. Swimming was
taken on as an essential life skill for which she was enrolled. She then took that
up and now that became her biggest goal in her life and has defined a lot of
what she now does.
Jispa has been a good swimmer but has never been able to
become a great swimmer. I think sometimes great swimmers are just born. They know
how to feel the water and how to remain stream lined while pulling through or
kicking through. Most importantly they understand their body and the body
responds to instructions. Jispa has been disastrous to teach anything. I have
tried to teach her to run but she will over correct and she will then start
using her own brain, interpret what you say differently and completely jam your
happiness. She probably requires a different kind of coach who can understand
what she really is inside of her and correct her accordingly. Simple verbal instructions
just don’t cut for her. Hence, she is never going to be there counted amongst the
best swimmers of the city. He hard work and dedication to swimming will put her
on the forefront but will not put in the great league.
He swimming has been in that respect quite ordinary, but
there in right there lies my seething anger. In my life, I have never achieved
anything quite what she has. Jasmine neither. We never did go after one sport
or one skill so untiringly like Jispa has. Of course, she has had the benefit
of supporting parents, but that would be too kind to the parents. She has had
the ability to go on, constantly, lap after boring lap, fight her pain and soreness,
fight her capabilities and push herself. That by in itself is a humongous
achievement. That is why I get extremely annoyed and angry. I get extremely
angry with myself. I had the gall to call her achievements quite ordinary. I have
the gall to say, that was good but not great. I am a bloody ass and I don’t deserve
the achievement that I have see my kid get. This is so damn annoying.
In my life, I represented school once, in the under 13
basketball tournaments by virtue of being selected for the team, thanks to a fluke
basket during trials. I fibbed that I could play and god smiled on me during
the trails in spite of knowing that I would grow up to be atheist. So we practiced
and played one match before we got completely beaten by a phenomenal margin in the
first match itself. That’s the best of my sporting achievement. The rest was a
few inter class matches and cricket in corporate India whacking unfit corporate
zombies who bowled silly hops that could be smashed out of the shortened grounds.
I have no business to call anyone’s achievement ordinary, especially that of my
child.
On the recently concluded meet, Jispa took part in the back-stroke
races and the longer distance freestyle races. You are allowed to take part in
only 5 races and Jasmine helped her choose by analyzing the timings and the other
participants so that she take the strokes that give her the best chance of
going through. Some the top swimmers of her age group couldn’t participate in the
races and gave their timings to ensure their qualification for the state meet.
The top 6 go through. The end result – Jispa won 4 Golds and 1 silver at the meet.
And all the races she won, she won by a huge margin. She came up after every
race in a not so happy mood and neither did we really enjoy any of her
victories. She had not improved her timings that she had given before and these
would not help her qualify from state to nationals. Swimmers and their parents
are hardened criminals. They are unaffected by glory and achievement. At the
point, afterwards in a few days I lost it. I took Jasmine aside and I took
Jispa aside. My message was the same thing. What on earth have we become? WE
get no joy in winning. A few years ago, we were so happy to qualify, this time,
you have the gold medals, you are the bets that is there in Mumbai. Part of the
sport is to swim at your bets and yet manage your studies and other work and to
have time to show up at the event. Many swimmers who possibly more powerful
than you couldn’t manage studies and swim and that’s why they have given up.
That, tight there is your achievement. Being the last man standing is also part
of the game. Being there when others have remained absent is part of the game. You
too had your exams, but you requested and the school changed the date for you, that’s
all part of the achievement and thanks to that you swam your five events – and you
won and won big. YOU WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP in your age group. In the end that’s what
going to written for ages to come. The why as a family can’t we be happy? Why
do chase the nest target. Micheal Phelps got Olympic Golds then he wanted more,
then he wanted to be the greatest Olympian in the world… and then so on. Come
on, family get happy, smile, celebrate the success. Mumbai has some 1.5 CR people, of which only a few are crowned
champions every year.
This overhang of being dejected and un happy and unsatisfied
is pretty stupid. It reeks of journey to self-destruction. Why would you
sacrifice so much and then always remain unhappy? Why as a family can we not
celebrate the joys in life. I know that as a swimmer, as Jispa asked me, shouldn’t
I always strive for more, how can I be satisfied? Yes, we dissatisfied but be
happy. There is difference between the two. Always strive for more, but be
happy with your got. Savor what you got. Look at that trophy you won, longingly
and caress it. Feel the joy, the pain and the achievement. It’s yours and no
one can take that from you. We as parents must also realize this. One thing that
I did as parent when Jispa swam, was never to ask for her timings and her
positions and always be ok about her achievements. In my heart, I would jump in
joy or be pained but I would never show it. I thought this is the best level of
equanimity shown. It puts the least amount of pressure on the child. No real pressure
of delivering. I think it worked as she doesn’t face pressure of winning from
me, but I can say with candor that I think it also was disastrous as in, it gave
us no joy in winning. I made my kid as cynical as me of winning. I am sorry. I
was wrong. I screwed up. This trophy that Jispa won is a testament to my
failure as a father. Today if I were to live up the life again, I don’t know
what I should have done. Celebrated every competition no matter what the
result? That’s not possible given the swim meets we have in a year. The alternative
– celebrate every time we win a medal or give a better timing – wouldn’t that
celebrate success and deride failure? That is what I did not want.
The unintended consequences of what we seek to achieve by
how we behave is so damn irritating. I guess it was the best at that time. But
we became such cynical jokers at the end of it all. I am sorry at myself for
this. Celebrate the successes and celebrate the failures. Life is short,
celebrate. That’s possibly the other option. The consequences of these would be
something I would berate later, if I had gone on this path.
Parenting is thankless job. It works amazingly well for the first
few years when your child is small innocent bundle and you can hold it close,
tight to your heart and eat it up. But soon it gets tougher and tougher on you
as the unintended consequences catch up. Possibly right ow I feel like a
failure, possibly in a decade I will say that was the right thing to do. As I have
always maintained, parenting is something we weren’t taught about. It is
something we pick up as we get along. We try to avoid the mistakes our parents
did and do new ones. Hence the evolution can easily stop as a skipped
generation doesn’t learn from old mistakes. That’s why over the years this blog
should be handy. Possibly it may not help Jispa as it may help her child (if she
has one). Possibly it will help another young parent reflect on her own
strengths and shortcomings. Possibly this introspection as it has helped me
will help them be better parents (less likely) and better human beings (more
likely).
Like I was telling someone – writing helps me clarify to myself
on what I am and what I am about. It helps me slap myself or congratulate
myself on the choices and decisions I make. It helps me like teaching – it helps
me clear my mind and reinforce my beliefs. That in itself is a good thing. I
started writing to leave behind a mark for my daughter to read, it became an
indelible for me to be. The unintended consequences of so many things.
But yes, Jispa won the championship and the feeling will
sink in later. Possibly after a few days, a few years, a few decades. It is an
awesome moment. It is a big moment. It is an achievement to savor. It is
something to celebrate. It was a little dream for me. My only other swim dream
for Jispa is for her to break a record at any swim meet. Just once – I want her
to break a record. She hasn’t done so yet. That’s my not so little dream from
her swimming. A national medal? That would be cute as well. Even a relay medal.
I would love that as well. But its ok. I am happy for her. I am happy that as a
kid she has learnt to be fit and to achieve. She learnt pain and sacrifice. And
she learnt a sport. That’s what I wanted her to do when I paid that membership
fee after fighting with Jasmine. So, a parent I have to grow up and own up to this
achievement and be proud. That all I wanted, I got much more. It’s a good thing
that I can’t kick my own derrière, otherwise this deserved a much-needed red
sore bum. But in the same breath, I deserve a small quiet pat on the back. I write
this blog and I understand where I went wrong and I acknowledge it. This makes
me smarter than most others. Only by acknowledgement can one be improved. I
will try harder.
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