happiness is ...

A good friend of mine messaged me to ask me if I was fine. If I was happy. I didn’t seem happy enough. Was something wrong?

These are difficult questions to answer. Are you happy? The frank answer is I don’t know. Instinctively – yes I am happy. My home is just set up. Yesterday I sat till late on my desk and I was reading on the laptop about Amazon and its growth. I was reading random things. I paid some bills as well and I ordered stuff on Amazon. I felt happy and content that I was there doing my bit.

But work takes up a large part of my awake hours. I realize that work is a bit of a bummer. The team is just not ready and is completely wasted. I would have to work with them to push them, improve them and make them come up to mark on a whole host of things. I have to coordinate and play games with so many people to get things going. There are people in the firm who are stuck in a time warp. They refuse to learn and refuse to improve. They are just there, stuck. They don’t even want others to improve. I don’t understand how ego can come in the way of making more money for the firm as a whole. They block everything and every move.

Now that I think over it I see this organization evolve over the last 18 years. Weakness exhibited by the management 18 years ago has snowballed into a large issue and now these monsters have been dragons of epic proportions. Slowly they become even more difficult to dislodge and take the whole business down with them. Weak managers who want to control only their immediate balance sheet try not to upset the apple cart too much. These who manage one year at a time, hiding the problem get rewarded and move to the top. These are managers who do no wrong. They also do no right.

But these are ones who have built this massive organization. Possibly it was an era where you did not need to compete like crazy. You needed just to not do too much hara-kiri and stay alive. Today when you see, the old organizations in the industry are built on edifices of rust and so weak at the roots. One needs to change things and shake them up a bit for them to move and compete in this bold new world.

In all this stress, I am also trying not to take too much stress. I want to sleep at night, not get my blood to boil or increase or decrease my pressure. I want to simply live and manage. Like the same wise friend of mine explained to me 6 months ago when I said I want a boring job “no jaimit, you won’t work in a boring job. You will take a boring job and then you will attack it and make it work and change things there as well. No jaimit, people like you don’t rest”. This was told to me not only by this friend by a few more friends.

Its right I guess. We have the best of intentions but our friends know us more than anything else. This is the thing about friends. So yes – my friend did guess it right. I am the happiest. Possibly I am a grumpy old troll these days. And some other good friends who care have been telling me about it. I guess I have been on the edge. I need to just chill and relax. Make things happy around me. Make myself happy. Manage my happiness quotient.

Of course I have to push for change. Hard push, but never at the cost of screwing my own happiness. That’s a really tough thing to do. Push for change as hard as you can and then enjoy the process and the failures that it will inevitably bring you. Hah! Chalo… it’s a learning of a different order. Be happy be pushy and be content.

These are too many opposites reconciling.

Let’s talk some happy things – I have grown an ugly thick bushy burly moustache. My wife hates it. And I am enjoying it no end.  I always wanted a thick moustache with a short crop hairdo. Now that I don’t have too much hair itself, the contrast is amazing. I think I am loving my old man, grey look. Here you decide.

Be happy

This weekend was an important date for Jispa. She had to swim in the Mumbai swim meet to qualify for the state meet. At first when I attended this meet, many years ago, I saw this meet as the apex meet for swimmers in Mumbai as they strove to get in to the next level. I remember the first time that Jispa qualified. It was the 50-meter freestyle race and I saw the race as she came in fourth. It was an awesome moment for us. I distinctly remember noticing that according to me she came in fifth but the race was very tight and the line judge adjudicated that Jispa came fourth. That was great joyous moment for me. It also meant that Jispa would be representing Mumbai at the relay race and that would mean that a state level Gold was in the kitty. They had an awesome team. Three from that quartet have long given up on swimming since then.

When we put Jispa into swim, we did not realise what we were in for. As a family, I insisted that we live the gymkhana life. I fought and insisted that we take the Matunga Gymkhana membership and finally when we had enough money for it, I went and paid up. For a year we did not use the membership after we got it. Then we went to the gym and understood the sports on offer for the child and badminton seemed to be the perfect fit. Swimming was taken on as an essential life skill for which she was enrolled. She then took that up and now that became her biggest goal in her life and has defined a lot of what she now does.

Jispa has been a good swimmer but has never been able to become a great swimmer. I think sometimes great swimmers are just born. They know how to feel the water and how to remain stream lined while pulling through or kicking through. Most importantly they understand their body and the body responds to instructions. Jispa has been disastrous to teach anything. I have tried to teach her to run but she will over correct and she will then start using her own brain, interpret what you say differently and completely jam your happiness. She probably requires a different kind of coach who can understand what she really is inside of her and correct her accordingly. Simple verbal instructions just don’t cut for her. Hence, she is never going to be there counted amongst the best swimmers of the city. He hard work and dedication to swimming will put her on the forefront but will not put in the great league.

He swimming has been in that respect quite ordinary, but there in right there lies my seething anger. In my life, I have never achieved anything quite what she has. Jasmine neither. We never did go after one sport or one skill so untiringly like Jispa has. Of course, she has had the benefit of supporting parents, but that would be too kind to the parents. She has had the ability to go on, constantly, lap after boring lap, fight her pain and soreness, fight her capabilities and push herself. That by in itself is a humongous achievement. That is why I get extremely annoyed and angry. I get extremely angry with myself. I had the gall to call her achievements quite ordinary. I have the gall to say, that was good but not great. I am a bloody ass and I don’t deserve the achievement that I have see my kid get. This is so damn annoying.

In my life, I represented school once, in the under 13 basketball tournaments by virtue of being selected for the team, thanks to a fluke basket during trials. I fibbed that I could play and god smiled on me during the trails in spite of knowing that I would grow up to be atheist. So we practiced and played one match before we got completely beaten by a phenomenal margin in the first match itself. That’s the best of my sporting achievement. The rest was a few inter class matches and cricket in corporate India whacking unfit corporate zombies who bowled silly hops that could be smashed out of the shortened grounds. I have no business to call anyone’s achievement ordinary, especially that of my child.

On the recently concluded meet, Jispa took part in the back-stroke races and the longer distance freestyle races. You are allowed to take part in only 5 races and Jasmine helped her choose by analyzing the timings and the other participants so that she take the strokes that give her the best chance of going through. Some the top swimmers of her age group couldn’t participate in the races and gave their timings to ensure their qualification for the state meet. The top 6 go through. The end result – Jispa won 4 Golds and 1 silver at the meet. And all the races she won, she won by a huge margin. She came up after every race in a not so happy mood and neither did we really enjoy any of her victories. She had not improved her timings that she had given before and these would not help her qualify from state to nationals. Swimmers and their parents are hardened criminals. They are unaffected by glory and achievement. At the point, afterwards in a few days I lost it. I took Jasmine aside and I took Jispa aside. My message was the same thing. What on earth have we become? WE get no joy in winning. A few years ago, we were so happy to qualify, this time, you have the gold medals, you are the bets that is there in Mumbai. Part of the sport is to swim at your bets and yet manage your studies and other work and to have time to show up at the event. Many swimmers who possibly more powerful than you couldn’t manage studies and swim and that’s why they have given up. That, tight there is your achievement. Being the last man standing is also part of the game. Being there when others have remained absent is part of the game. You too had your exams, but you requested and the school changed the date for you, that’s all part of the achievement and thanks to that you swam your five events – and you won and won big. YOU WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP in your age group. In the end that’s what going to written for ages to come. The why as a family can’t we be happy? Why do chase the nest target. Micheal Phelps got Olympic Golds then he wanted more, then he wanted to be the greatest Olympian in the world… and then so on. Come on, family get happy, smile, celebrate the success. Mumbai has some 1.5 CR  people, of which only a few are crowned champions every year.

This overhang of being dejected and un happy and unsatisfied is pretty stupid. It reeks of journey to self-destruction. Why would you sacrifice so much and then always remain unhappy? Why as a family can we not celebrate the joys in life. I know that as a swimmer, as Jispa asked me, shouldn’t I always strive for more, how can I be satisfied? Yes, we dissatisfied but be happy. There is difference between the two. Always strive for more, but be happy with your got. Savor what you got. Look at that trophy you won, longingly and caress it. Feel the joy, the pain and the achievement. It’s yours and no one can take that from you. We as parents must also realize this. One thing that I did as parent when Jispa swam, was never to ask for her timings and her positions and always be ok about her achievements. In my heart, I would jump in joy or be pained but I would never show it. I thought this is the best level of equanimity shown. It puts the least amount of pressure on the child. No real pressure of delivering. I think it worked as she doesn’t face pressure of winning from me, but I can say with candor that I think it also was disastrous as in, it gave us no joy in winning. I made my kid as cynical as me of winning. I am sorry. I was wrong. I screwed up. This trophy that Jispa won is a testament to my failure as a father. Today if I were to live up the life again, I don’t know what I should have done. Celebrated every competition no matter what the result? That’s not possible given the swim meets we have in a year. The alternative – celebrate every time we win a medal or give a better timing – wouldn’t that celebrate success and deride failure? That is what I did not want.

The unintended consequences of what we seek to achieve by how we behave is so damn irritating. I guess it was the best at that time. But we became such cynical jokers at the end of it all. I am sorry at myself for this. Celebrate the successes and celebrate the failures. Life is short, celebrate. That’s possibly the other option. The consequences of these would be something I would berate later, if I had gone on this path.

Parenting is thankless job. It works amazingly well for the first few years when your child is small innocent bundle and you can hold it close, tight to your heart and eat it up. But soon it gets tougher and tougher on you as the unintended consequences catch up. Possibly right ow I feel like a failure, possibly in a decade I will say that was the right thing to do. As I have always maintained, parenting is something we weren’t taught about. It is something we pick up as we get along. We try to avoid the mistakes our parents did and do new ones. Hence the evolution can easily stop as a skipped generation doesn’t learn from old mistakes. That’s why over the years this blog should be handy. Possibly it may not help Jispa as it may help her child (if she has one). Possibly it will help another young parent reflect on her own strengths and shortcomings. Possibly this introspection as it has helped me will help them be better parents (less likely) and better human beings (more likely).

Like I was telling someone – writing helps me clarify to myself on what I am and what I am about. It helps me slap myself or congratulate myself on the choices and decisions I make. It helps me like teaching – it helps me clear my mind and reinforce my beliefs. That in itself is a good thing. I started writing to leave behind a mark for my daughter to read, it became an indelible for me to be. The unintended consequences of so many things.

But yes, Jispa won the championship and the feeling will sink in later. Possibly after a few days, a few years, a few decades. It is an awesome moment. It is a big moment. It is an achievement to savor. It is something to celebrate. It was a little dream for me. My only other swim dream for Jispa is for her to break a record at any swim meet. Just once – I want her to break a record. She hasn’t done so yet. That’s my not so little dream from her swimming. A national medal? That would be cute as well. Even a relay medal. I would love that as well. But its ok. I am happy for her. I am happy that as a kid she has learnt to be fit and to achieve. She learnt pain and sacrifice. And she learnt a sport. That’s what I wanted her to do when I paid that membership fee after fighting with Jasmine. So, a parent I have to grow up and own up to this achievement and be proud. That all I wanted, I got much more. It’s a good thing that I can’t kick my own derrière, otherwise this deserved a much-needed red sore bum. But in the same breath, I deserve a small quiet pat on the back. I write this blog and I understand where I went wrong and I acknowledge it. This makes me smarter than most others. Only by acknowledgement can one be improved. I will try harder.

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