Dream Swim

50 mtr backstroke gold, followed by 100 and 200 mtr silvers at the state meet and hence winning the right to represent Maharashtra as a campion at the Nationals; while being at the youngest in the age group spanning three years. It some real proud achievement for Jispa and for us as her parents.

Being a swim parent is a full time job and even more so for Jasmine. Take them to the pool, to the doctor, to the physio, get them food, sleep everything. It’s a crazy schedule that needs to be managed to the tee. As a father, I have to pull my weight, by getting up in the morning and taking her to the pool and then on weekends helping around with Jasmine at the swim events. And especially removing time for Jispa if she needs help in her studies. The mother is a crazy full time job with the menu and everything else. Today as I stand, I can’t believe how it can be done without Jasmine being at home full time. So, when a colleague was talking about how he wants his daughter to do well in sports, I tried to explain the enormity of the whole thing to him. It’s not easy to bring up a sports kid in Mumbai for now.

Which got me thinking. If in the future we see more and more, the rise of the double income household and the working mother and as a consequence will we have the breakdown of this support system that gives rise to children who can perform at a higher level? I had this thought for exactly two seconds. TWO FREAKING SECONDS. That’s it. I can’t not have these stupid thoughts. There is no choice to that. But what is in my control is how I react back to my own thoughts. Any stupid conservative guy will bemoan the death of the family and that the future of children would be lost and hence they would put stupid rigid controls in place. Get the mother to stay at home. Ensure that the greatness of the family tradition is maintained by ensuring status quo. In exactly two seconds (I am so proud of myself) I laughed. Of course not. There is no way that argument holds. At the first level itself, no one should tell the parent on how to raise their children (unless there is some serious abuse). But then, let’s keep that argument aside. At first, the argument looks tenable right now as I see it. Yes. You require a stay at home mother to really help in bringing up a child that aspires to do well in sports as well as studies. The ecosystem outside does not really help foster all round development without the active total involvement of one full time parent. But then saying no to the choice of the mother to work and be productive and to do what she wants is also not there. A working woman can add so much productivity to the nation’s workplace. What will happen is that women WILL join the work force, they will have children and they will have aspirations of them. They will want them to succeed and do more. At this time, they will be ready to spend more for them as they earn much more as a family. At that time, the ecosystem will automatically develop to allow for all the support required. This is the classic case of demand finding supply for itself over a period of time. In the short run, there will turmoil and pain but slowly more and more will be trained in the skills that are in demand and the market will emerge.

This is the simple belief in the markets being able to best allocate its resources by itself to things that bets suit it. Hence in fact we must allow all men and women equally to make their choices and not choose for them. The collective power of the market has to be believed in. This will free people to make their choices and push towards what they want.

Sometimes the government must step in if the private players fail to understand the power of a public good. Things that will help the society at large but is largely unnoticed or is commercially unviable. But then that’s it. The society must learn never to say no and never to put artificial barriers to choice. A barrier to choice in many ways a barrier to progress and is something that we must understand as a society.

Coming back to raising a kid, and that too a sports kid, is a very tough thing to do. You have to focus on sports but at the same time you have to keep an eye on studies. Nutrition is another big thing as well. Now as Jispa grows and turns 15 this year. She will have to learn to pull her own weight at home. I have been after her to now pull some. So far I think both Jasmine and me have protected her from the drudgeries of household work. We never made her party to the work to be done around home. As a kids growing up, I have washed vessels when the maid was not there. Every evening the servant would wash the vessels and leave them to dry. As kids, we had turns to dry every vessel and keep them in place in the evening. We had to make our own beds and also had turns to wipe the table. We had to clean the grains, peel fruit and everything else around the house. It wasn’t tough at all but it was boring and no fun. Jasmine and I have tried not to pass it on to Jispa. We have done the work ourselves. We hardly give Jispa any work compared to the stuff we did as kids. And it’s not just that we have an army of servants who do it. It just that we realise that as a kid most of this is boring. Also to be fair, Jispa with her swimming schedule and her studies never had the time to do much more. But now her exams are over and her vacations are on. She has plenty of time and she must now learn to contribute. I give her the table to clean, I ask her to help me while I help Jasmine in the kitchen etc. I think she needs to learn some basic life skills and house work. Jasmine’s view on this is similar and she has smaller asks. All she needs is for Jispa to finish her own work. Pick up her things, eat her foods, pack her own bags, keep away her stuff etc. Just do your own work and that itself is good enough. Jispa is a fine kid though. She understands but she can get exasperating when she has momentarily lapses of madness.

It’s been an awesome achievement on her part. To be a state level gold medalist and to manage studies and to read and everything else. I think we as parents are in danger of being heavy pushy mad parents. We think we are not. We try not to be. We try and achieve what we can and we try and push where we think its absolutely necessary but we are as always, ever in danger of breaching the tipping point.

But hell, let’s not take away from some real awesome glory that our young one has achieved. It’s a bloody gold at the State meet to qualify for the nationals. A bloody freaking gold. That’s something. It’s one the proudest moment for us as swim parents and as parents in general. Jispa is not a natural swimmer, she has worked hard to reach here and done tons of rigorous practice. Jasmine has devoted the last seven years towards this. It’s a big one. This is something that I say with pride and I look up to. It’s an amazing achievement. I am going to cherish this one for a long time to come. State level gold medalist. Wow.

While on achievement, I read an interesting poem that talks about the achievement and how over a period of time, it probably counts for nothing. Greatness too turns to dust in long run. Hah.

Jispa – you did well. It is one of the proudest moments of my life. I guess by that logic I mustn’t have lived too much, but in your life, I lead mine. And in the end just remember the poem of Ozymandias. Look him up. It’s a very interesting story.

Ozymandias

I met a traveller from an antique land, 

Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone 

Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand, 

Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown, 

And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command, 

Tell that its sculptor well those passions read 

Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things, 

The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed; 

And on the pedestal, these words appear: 

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings; 

Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! 

Nothing beside remains. Round the decay 

Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare 

The lone and level sands stretch far away.”

Be happy

This weekend was an important date for Jispa. She had to swim in the Mumbai swim meet to qualify for the state meet. At first when I attended this meet, many years ago, I saw this meet as the apex meet for swimmers in Mumbai as they strove to get in to the next level. I remember the first time that Jispa qualified. It was the 50-meter freestyle race and I saw the race as she came in fourth. It was an awesome moment for us. I distinctly remember noticing that according to me she came in fifth but the race was very tight and the line judge adjudicated that Jispa came fourth. That was great joyous moment for me. It also meant that Jispa would be representing Mumbai at the relay race and that would mean that a state level Gold was in the kitty. They had an awesome team. Three from that quartet have long given up on swimming since then.

When we put Jispa into swim, we did not realise what we were in for. As a family, I insisted that we live the gymkhana life. I fought and insisted that we take the Matunga Gymkhana membership and finally when we had enough money for it, I went and paid up. For a year we did not use the membership after we got it. Then we went to the gym and understood the sports on offer for the child and badminton seemed to be the perfect fit. Swimming was taken on as an essential life skill for which she was enrolled. She then took that up and now that became her biggest goal in her life and has defined a lot of what she now does.

Jispa has been a good swimmer but has never been able to become a great swimmer. I think sometimes great swimmers are just born. They know how to feel the water and how to remain stream lined while pulling through or kicking through. Most importantly they understand their body and the body responds to instructions. Jispa has been disastrous to teach anything. I have tried to teach her to run but she will over correct and she will then start using her own brain, interpret what you say differently and completely jam your happiness. She probably requires a different kind of coach who can understand what she really is inside of her and correct her accordingly. Simple verbal instructions just don’t cut for her. Hence, she is never going to be there counted amongst the best swimmers of the city. He hard work and dedication to swimming will put her on the forefront but will not put in the great league.

He swimming has been in that respect quite ordinary, but there in right there lies my seething anger. In my life, I have never achieved anything quite what she has. Jasmine neither. We never did go after one sport or one skill so untiringly like Jispa has. Of course, she has had the benefit of supporting parents, but that would be too kind to the parents. She has had the ability to go on, constantly, lap after boring lap, fight her pain and soreness, fight her capabilities and push herself. That by in itself is a humongous achievement. That is why I get extremely annoyed and angry. I get extremely angry with myself. I had the gall to call her achievements quite ordinary. I have the gall to say, that was good but not great. I am a bloody ass and I don’t deserve the achievement that I have see my kid get. This is so damn annoying.

In my life, I represented school once, in the under 13 basketball tournaments by virtue of being selected for the team, thanks to a fluke basket during trials. I fibbed that I could play and god smiled on me during the trails in spite of knowing that I would grow up to be atheist. So we practiced and played one match before we got completely beaten by a phenomenal margin in the first match itself. That’s the best of my sporting achievement. The rest was a few inter class matches and cricket in corporate India whacking unfit corporate zombies who bowled silly hops that could be smashed out of the shortened grounds. I have no business to call anyone’s achievement ordinary, especially that of my child.

On the recently concluded meet, Jispa took part in the back-stroke races and the longer distance freestyle races. You are allowed to take part in only 5 races and Jasmine helped her choose by analyzing the timings and the other participants so that she take the strokes that give her the best chance of going through. Some the top swimmers of her age group couldn’t participate in the races and gave their timings to ensure their qualification for the state meet. The top 6 go through. The end result – Jispa won 4 Golds and 1 silver at the meet. And all the races she won, she won by a huge margin. She came up after every race in a not so happy mood and neither did we really enjoy any of her victories. She had not improved her timings that she had given before and these would not help her qualify from state to nationals. Swimmers and their parents are hardened criminals. They are unaffected by glory and achievement. At the point, afterwards in a few days I lost it. I took Jasmine aside and I took Jispa aside. My message was the same thing. What on earth have we become? WE get no joy in winning. A few years ago, we were so happy to qualify, this time, you have the gold medals, you are the bets that is there in Mumbai. Part of the sport is to swim at your bets and yet manage your studies and other work and to have time to show up at the event. Many swimmers who possibly more powerful than you couldn’t manage studies and swim and that’s why they have given up. That, tight there is your achievement. Being the last man standing is also part of the game. Being there when others have remained absent is part of the game. You too had your exams, but you requested and the school changed the date for you, that’s all part of the achievement and thanks to that you swam your five events – and you won and won big. YOU WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP in your age group. In the end that’s what going to written for ages to come. The why as a family can’t we be happy? Why do chase the nest target. Micheal Phelps got Olympic Golds then he wanted more, then he wanted to be the greatest Olympian in the world… and then so on. Come on, family get happy, smile, celebrate the success. Mumbai has some 1.5 CR  people, of which only a few are crowned champions every year.

This overhang of being dejected and un happy and unsatisfied is pretty stupid. It reeks of journey to self-destruction. Why would you sacrifice so much and then always remain unhappy? Why as a family can we not celebrate the joys in life. I know that as a swimmer, as Jispa asked me, shouldn’t I always strive for more, how can I be satisfied? Yes, we dissatisfied but be happy. There is difference between the two. Always strive for more, but be happy with your got. Savor what you got. Look at that trophy you won, longingly and caress it. Feel the joy, the pain and the achievement. It’s yours and no one can take that from you. We as parents must also realize this. One thing that I did as parent when Jispa swam, was never to ask for her timings and her positions and always be ok about her achievements. In my heart, I would jump in joy or be pained but I would never show it. I thought this is the best level of equanimity shown. It puts the least amount of pressure on the child. No real pressure of delivering. I think it worked as she doesn’t face pressure of winning from me, but I can say with candor that I think it also was disastrous as in, it gave us no joy in winning. I made my kid as cynical as me of winning. I am sorry. I was wrong. I screwed up. This trophy that Jispa won is a testament to my failure as a father. Today if I were to live up the life again, I don’t know what I should have done. Celebrated every competition no matter what the result? That’s not possible given the swim meets we have in a year. The alternative – celebrate every time we win a medal or give a better timing – wouldn’t that celebrate success and deride failure? That is what I did not want.

The unintended consequences of what we seek to achieve by how we behave is so damn irritating. I guess it was the best at that time. But we became such cynical jokers at the end of it all. I am sorry at myself for this. Celebrate the successes and celebrate the failures. Life is short, celebrate. That’s possibly the other option. The consequences of these would be something I would berate later, if I had gone on this path.

Parenting is thankless job. It works amazingly well for the first few years when your child is small innocent bundle and you can hold it close, tight to your heart and eat it up. But soon it gets tougher and tougher on you as the unintended consequences catch up. Possibly right ow I feel like a failure, possibly in a decade I will say that was the right thing to do. As I have always maintained, parenting is something we weren’t taught about. It is something we pick up as we get along. We try to avoid the mistakes our parents did and do new ones. Hence the evolution can easily stop as a skipped generation doesn’t learn from old mistakes. That’s why over the years this blog should be handy. Possibly it may not help Jispa as it may help her child (if she has one). Possibly it will help another young parent reflect on her own strengths and shortcomings. Possibly this introspection as it has helped me will help them be better parents (less likely) and better human beings (more likely).

Like I was telling someone – writing helps me clarify to myself on what I am and what I am about. It helps me slap myself or congratulate myself on the choices and decisions I make. It helps me like teaching – it helps me clear my mind and reinforce my beliefs. That in itself is a good thing. I started writing to leave behind a mark for my daughter to read, it became an indelible for me to be. The unintended consequences of so many things.

But yes, Jispa won the championship and the feeling will sink in later. Possibly after a few days, a few years, a few decades. It is an awesome moment. It is a big moment. It is an achievement to savor. It is something to celebrate. It was a little dream for me. My only other swim dream for Jispa is for her to break a record at any swim meet. Just once – I want her to break a record. She hasn’t done so yet. That’s my not so little dream from her swimming. A national medal? That would be cute as well. Even a relay medal. I would love that as well. But its ok. I am happy for her. I am happy that as a kid she has learnt to be fit and to achieve. She learnt pain and sacrifice. And she learnt a sport. That’s what I wanted her to do when I paid that membership fee after fighting with Jasmine. So, a parent I have to grow up and own up to this achievement and be proud. That all I wanted, I got much more. It’s a good thing that I can’t kick my own derrière, otherwise this deserved a much-needed red sore bum. But in the same breath, I deserve a small quiet pat on the back. I write this blog and I understand where I went wrong and I acknowledge it. This makes me smarter than most others. Only by acknowledgement can one be improved. I will try harder.

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no reason bonus video:

let no one tell you...

My blackberry camera has gone on the blink and I do feel quite handicapped without it. Its so much fun to spot something, capture and blog it. But I guess I will have to do something else till such time.
But the of the loss of the camera is replaced by the joy of discovering something awesome. http://www.ted.com/ . It is an awesome site where they put up talks of some amazing people for viewing. The best part is that talks are timed for about 16 minutes forcing people to talk on only what is absolutely relevant and important. It’s just about the time that human brain can focus.
Today I came across (serendipitous) a talk by Ben Saunders. I just love experts talking about their … err…“expertise”. Sports persons especially so. I guess it’s the visible triumph of human achievement. Cracking the genetic code might be of greater consequence or difficulty but a sports person’s achievement has more empathy as we all have felt our own limitations at our arena.
Coming back to Ben Saunders. In 2004, Ben Saunders became the youngest person ever to ski solo to the North Pole. An absolute triumph of human achievement. But the most striking part about the talk is the last bit when he talks about his school report card as a 13 year old. The report card is a telling on the understanding our education system. He says he has framed it and it lies on his wall. It says:

"Ben lacks sufficient impetus to achieve anything worthwhile"

Ben’s response to it:

“No one else is the authority on you potential. You are the only who decides how far you go and what you are capable of”

Well said Ben. Well said.

his talk...

further Ben reading...