When the child grows up it holds the mirror to the parent.
Damn, it’s not easy.
Some conversation with Jispa led to something, led to
something and then I asked her – am I protective. She said – yes. You are
protective. I asked her for sure. Do you really think so? Come on. I am not
protective. I allow you to do stuff and all.
She was like “No. you are protective. You didn’t allow me to
use a knife for so long. You said, that I would cut myself and you would have
to rush. You wouldn’t allow me to go just like that for a friend’s party. You did
not allow me and my friend to go by ourselves for a movie…”. OK STOP.
Dam shit. I am protective. It may be under the garb of being
risk averse but I guess I am protective. Damn. I always wanted to be a father
who allows a kid to explore, have fun, run around, not bother too much. I ended
up being damn shit protective. I thought that I was cool. I would allow her to
pierce her ear for an additional earing, I would allow her a tattoo when she
turns 18, I would allow her a bike or whatever. But I think the fact that I say,
that I WILL ALLOW means that it is required that she would ask me. After that I
would do all the research and all the background checks before ‘allowing’ her
to be herself. That makes me protective.
It’s been a massive revelation for me. After that
conversation, I kept making fun of her, that now I won’t do this and I won’t
that, as I shouldn’t be protective. If mommy is going to bajao her then why
should I stop it and be protective. She has to learn to fight her own battles.
But I am protective. This has to stop. I can’t be like this.
I am the monster that I did not want to be. In fact, I tried to actively avoid
it but I guess I ended being one. Of course, I can blame Jasmine for this, but I
know the truth. I am wrong. I know it.
So, once I had a short conversation with her. I told her
that she is possibly right. I am protective, but I can change. It takes time
and effort on my part. My constant telling you that I am trying not to be protective
is basically telling myself that. I should try to not be protective at all. Keep
it tight. Also, what happens is that kids don’t realize that there are tradeoffs.
You can’t get the just the right amount of protectiveness. I want protection now
but I don’t want it then. Its desirable but it’s not possible. So far while she
was small, it was incumbent on me to be protective so that she doesn’t hurt
herself while she grows up. But now, she will have to face the music as she
does grow up.
Possibly I am designed to be protective. Possible because as
some Freudian level, I may have required this protectionism and strove for it
from my elders. Who knows – did I get too much of it, or did I not get as much
as I desired from it. That perspective only a third person will give. How can I
give it?
A few days back, one kid who whose first job was with me and
then she joined me again later after her MBA was talking to me. I am like a
father figure to her and it’s a special relationship. She recently colored her
hair and for some reason, she sent me a photo and told me – I colored my hair.
Sure. It looks good. I assume your husband also loved it. Yes, he did. Then she
told me that she thought I will give her a scolding. ME – A scolding for
coloring her hair? Why would I do that. I love it. Do whatever you want. It
looks pretty. Your stupid husbands and boyfriends have issues with your hair. I
never had any such issues with Jasmine. Go ahead and figure. You don’t need my
approval for it. Then we discussed further and she said – that she saw me as a
super protective dad in her case. I kind of protested. How was I super protective?
I would tell her of dangers, coach her, talk to her, but did I stop her?
But I guess the feedback is on the wall and for me to see
clearly. I was always a guy who took care and precaution and ensured that
people saw danger and understood the risks. But dam shit – I ended up being protective
or say – over protective. That’s not what I wanted to be, definitely not. It’s
going to be a tough thing from now on for me.
The old adage that I learnt from a book that said – protect where
you must, permit where you can. I don’t know. It’s a long journey. Can I change
my stripes fundamentally? I don’t know. But surely, I can try and manage and
lessen the impact. But if I do change something that is core to me then will I remain
who I am or will I at a fundamental level change? Will that change be good or
will it break and essential part of me? Most of those under me would possibly
say that I was always protective of them. How much will I change? And how much
of this will die? No clue. I don’t even know if I will be successful in
changing for the long run.
But at least this bit of feedback is good. At the very least
– I am aware of what’s happening. Now I am looking at myself and looking to
change. Looking to think in a new direction. A direction that I thought I had
but quite evidently, I did not. Let’s see. Let’s change. Let’s hope it’s for
the better. Let’s hope a new monster doesn’t emerge as a replacement.
