lets change

When the child grows up it holds the mirror to the parent. Damn, it’s not easy.

Some conversation with Jispa led to something, led to something and then I asked her – am I protective. She said – yes. You are protective. I asked her for sure. Do you really think so? Come on. I am not protective. I allow you to do stuff and all.

She was like “No. you are protective. You didn’t allow me to use a knife for so long. You said, that I would cut myself and you would have to rush. You wouldn’t allow me to go just like that for a friend’s party. You did not allow me and my friend to go by ourselves for a movie…”. OK STOP.

Dam shit. I am protective. It may be under the garb of being risk averse but I guess I am protective. Damn. I always wanted to be a father who allows a kid to explore, have fun, run around, not bother too much. I ended up being damn shit protective. I thought that I was cool. I would allow her to pierce her ear for an additional earing, I would allow her a tattoo when she turns 18, I would allow her a bike or whatever. But I think the fact that I say, that I WILL ALLOW means that it is required that she would ask me. After that I would do all the research and all the background checks before ‘allowing’ her to be herself. That makes me protective.

It’s been a massive revelation for me. After that conversation, I kept making fun of her, that now I won’t do this and I won’t that, as I shouldn’t be protective. If mommy is going to bajao her then why should I stop it and be protective. She has to learn to fight her own battles.

But I am protective. This has to stop. I can’t be like this. I am the monster that I did not want to be. In fact, I tried to actively avoid it but I guess I ended being one. Of course, I can blame Jasmine for this, but I know the truth. I am wrong. I know it.

So, once I had a short conversation with her. I told her that she is possibly right. I am protective, but I can change. It takes time and effort on my part. My constant telling you that I am trying not to be protective is basically telling myself that. I should try to not be protective at all. Keep it tight. Also, what happens is that kids don’t realize that there are tradeoffs. You can’t get the just the right amount of protectiveness. I want protection now but I don’t want it then. Its desirable but it’s not possible. So far while she was small, it was incumbent on me to be protective so that she doesn’t hurt herself while she grows up. But now, she will have to face the music as she does grow up.

Possibly I am designed to be protective. Possible because as some Freudian level, I may have required this protectionism and strove for it from my elders. Who knows – did I get too much of it, or did I not get as much as I desired from it. That perspective only a third person will give. How can I give it?

A few days back, one kid who whose first job was with me and then she joined me again later after her MBA was talking to me. I am like a father figure to her and it’s a special relationship. She recently colored her hair and for some reason, she sent me a photo and told me – I colored my hair. Sure. It looks good. I assume your husband also loved it. Yes, he did. Then she told me that she thought I will give her a scolding. ME – A scolding for coloring her hair? Why would I do that. I love it. Do whatever you want. It looks pretty. Your stupid husbands and boyfriends have issues with your hair. I never had any such issues with Jasmine. Go ahead and figure. You don’t need my approval for it. Then we discussed further and she said – that she saw me as a super protective dad in her case. I kind of protested. How was I super protective? I would tell her of dangers, coach her, talk to her, but did I stop her?

But I guess the feedback is on the wall and for me to see clearly. I was always a guy who took care and precaution and ensured that people saw danger and understood the risks. But dam shit – I ended up being protective or say – over protective. That’s not what I wanted to be, definitely not. It’s going to be a tough thing from now on for me.

The old adage that I learnt from a book that said – protect where you must, permit where you can. I don’t know. It’s a long journey. Can I change my stripes fundamentally? I don’t know. But surely, I can try and manage and lessen the impact. But if I do change something that is core to me then will I remain who I am or will I at a fundamental level change? Will that change be good or will it break and essential part of me? Most of those under me would possibly say that I was always protective of them. How much will I change? And how much of this will die? No clue. I don’t even know if I will be successful in changing for the long run.

But at least this bit of feedback is good. At the very least – I am aware of what’s happening. Now I am looking at myself and looking to change. Looking to think in a new direction. A direction that I thought I had but quite evidently, I did not. Let’s see. Let’s change. Let’s hope it’s for the better. Let’s hope a new monster doesn’t emerge as a replacement.

can you ask me that answer again?

I was explaining to the poor customer care lady from my car service station (Jay Bharat Hyundai) that I cannot remember how the service was done. My Hyundai i-ten was serviced in Jan. that information was also provided by her. I can’t remember when it was done. I don’t even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. She still insisted that at least I know if what I said or had complaints about were addressed. Lady, how can I know that? We are right now in May. At best I might remember if you had botched up the service. Which I don’t think you did. My car is running fine right now.
After a few minutes of me stonewalling and refusing to say something I don’t remember at all she agreed and moved onto the next question in her interview. Could I please rate the service on a score from 0 to 5. Oh shit man. Lady. I just told you I don’t remember anything. Do you remember what you did in Jan. Do you remember what you did last week? What were you doing yesterday? You don’t right? How can I score you guys if I don’t remember what experience I had? It’s been four months.
Sir, but at least some score. NO. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED. Surely you did not screw up big tie and hence I have no bad memories but I have none. What part of that did you not understand?
That’s proactive customer service for you. We care so we call you. Even four months from then and ask you what had happened then. Hopefully you don’t remember shit and you score us good. Since you guys are obviously so polite not to give us bad marks on things you don’t recollect. Hence I have a great customer satisfaction score and I am doing a good job.
I told my wife about the conversation and she was wondering why the call was made. She had already got the call a few days after the service was done. That’s a good thing. A decent follow-up call, just after. After four months your call can be at best a call that checks to see if your car is working all well. Not to score what happened four months ago. Especially on something as unearthshaking as routine car service. Why? Don’t you realise we get shit from tele marketers all the time.
While right now its pretty cool to have follow up service, my prediction is that this too will become a nuisance factor soon enough. The companies that will do well will be the companies that do not need follow up calls as their processes and procedures themselves are tight enough to provide the best service and their redressal mechanism would be swift and powerfull while being accessible.
But that seems to be pipe dream. In India we are busy chasing growth and are tapping into the vast India as it gets richer and richer. Who cares for the leaky bucket if the tap on top continues to pour its bounty? Growth always comes at a cost. Rapid growth comes at an even higher cost. If it is too good to be true then it is too good to be true. I don’t think our immature capitalism understands this yet.

I am probably needlessly taking off on Hyundai right now. It is a wrong thing to do. At least they are trying to do something. But the point is that in trying too hard they end up getting data that is wrong. Data has to be understood in its context and not by itself.

I hope companies like Hyundai understand this and not merely take action on quantitative scores. A process to get the data is as important as the data that is being gathered. Everyone knows that, even the folks at Hyundai. But we end up being so lazy that we don’t bother to put in a check for this. It won’t affect the short run but it will hide serious flaws in the wrong run. Anyone remembers ‘the broken windows theory’ made famous by Malcolm Gladwell? Look it up.