please peace, inner piss

Yesterday I had a nice conversation with a friend. It wasn’t exactly pleasant but it was very interesting or me. I have the gift of talking and spouting gyan. Earlier I used to think that I was reasonably intelligent and I would likely have the solution to all of mankind’s woes. As I grew older and alas, wiser, I realized that no such shit exists. No one has answer to anyone’s woes.

I have written about this – there a beautiful book that I read “if you meet the Buddha on the road, shoot him”. Fundamentally answers lie within you. Inside of you. And mostly it futile trying to tell answers to anyone. through the book I learnt one clear thing – people come to you to talk / for advise / for love / for understanding. You can’t give any, if you really care about the person. You can only tell about your stories in life and about the issues you faced and the principals you learnt in your life and the questions you asked of the world and of yourself.

Yesterday was a n hour long conversation. It was the most beautiful conversation in that sense. I realized that I had grown up and alas (yes, I know its repeated) wiser. The whole conversation, I simply explained various situations in which I dealt with shit and how I dealt with situations and the experiences I got while growing up. The choices I made and the nebulous nature of life that I understood. Not once did I give an answer or a direction.

My friend was able to decipher for herself the meaning of what she was asking for me. I may give an answer, and maybe by sheer power of nature, it might be the best / right answer; but the real answer is always the one in which you arrive at yourself. You can ask for multiple suggestions, advice and experience but it will not count till you arrive at it through your thinking process. There is always a time for an answer to get inside your brain. I always tell Jispa – of course listen to me but more importantly – don’t listen to me. Learn on your own. Listen to me only to replay what I said later on in your life when you might realize its truth. For now, just store in your head. Appreciate the experience that I bring but then quickly discard it for your action. Then replay and hold the consequences against what I said – and decide what was right.

At the end of the conversation – I told – I sound like a guru nah? Not because I am right but because 60% of what I say, it is likely that you will forget. You will remember 40% of which half will turn out right. That is a total of 20%. Now that id worse than tossing coin for advice. The remaining 20% will never be fructified as you will likely be dead in the hope of seeing it come true. You will say – that this is true but I have just not experienced it yet. This is the true math of a guru. Say enough obscure far reaching sounding,  profound clouded, shitshat. 20% true, 20% waiting to be true and 60% forgotten. Say to a larger base and everyone will find their 20% and soon amongst the audience as a collective all 100% will be true – just broken up in each guy for their own 20%. Did you get the math?

But not the gurus are bad. You got your 20% right? And you felt you got your 100% also. So what gives… give the guru some dakshina, love him to death, put him on a pedestal and voila – you have found inner peace through randomization.

Inner peace is not that difficult to achieve. I also wonder what the purpose of life is. I guess there is no purpose really. So play board games and enjoy. Which I why I have been buying board games and playing them. I want more GAMES MORE GAMES. I have bought quite a few and I have a huge wish list on Amazon – I keep adding. I get some crazy joy in board games. Sit one whole day and play games after games, till the end and sleep. We were born on this planet to play games.

Life became far more bearable and the Machiavellism of the players became such a joy to watch, as long as you think of it as a game. Everyone has their reasons. They don’t align to yours. They never will. Align yours to yourself in harmony with the world and dingalangaling – inner peace!

Such an elusive concept. Also called in good ol’ colloquial hindi – bhaad mein jaaye. Or ‘go to to hell’. Simple.

lets change

When the child grows up it holds the mirror to the parent. Damn, it’s not easy.

Some conversation with Jispa led to something, led to something and then I asked her – am I protective. She said – yes. You are protective. I asked her for sure. Do you really think so? Come on. I am not protective. I allow you to do stuff and all.

She was like “No. you are protective. You didn’t allow me to use a knife for so long. You said, that I would cut myself and you would have to rush. You wouldn’t allow me to go just like that for a friend’s party. You did not allow me and my friend to go by ourselves for a movie…”. OK STOP.

Dam shit. I am protective. It may be under the garb of being risk averse but I guess I am protective. Damn. I always wanted to be a father who allows a kid to explore, have fun, run around, not bother too much. I ended up being damn shit protective. I thought that I was cool. I would allow her to pierce her ear for an additional earing, I would allow her a tattoo when she turns 18, I would allow her a bike or whatever. But I think the fact that I say, that I WILL ALLOW means that it is required that she would ask me. After that I would do all the research and all the background checks before ‘allowing’ her to be herself. That makes me protective.

It’s been a massive revelation for me. After that conversation, I kept making fun of her, that now I won’t do this and I won’t that, as I shouldn’t be protective. If mommy is going to bajao her then why should I stop it and be protective. She has to learn to fight her own battles.

But I am protective. This has to stop. I can’t be like this. I am the monster that I did not want to be. In fact, I tried to actively avoid it but I guess I ended being one. Of course, I can blame Jasmine for this, but I know the truth. I am wrong. I know it.

So, once I had a short conversation with her. I told her that she is possibly right. I am protective, but I can change. It takes time and effort on my part. My constant telling you that I am trying not to be protective is basically telling myself that. I should try to not be protective at all. Keep it tight. Also, what happens is that kids don’t realize that there are tradeoffs. You can’t get the just the right amount of protectiveness. I want protection now but I don’t want it then. Its desirable but it’s not possible. So far while she was small, it was incumbent on me to be protective so that she doesn’t hurt herself while she grows up. But now, she will have to face the music as she does grow up.

Possibly I am designed to be protective. Possible because as some Freudian level, I may have required this protectionism and strove for it from my elders. Who knows – did I get too much of it, or did I not get as much as I desired from it. That perspective only a third person will give. How can I give it?

A few days back, one kid who whose first job was with me and then she joined me again later after her MBA was talking to me. I am like a father figure to her and it’s a special relationship. She recently colored her hair and for some reason, she sent me a photo and told me – I colored my hair. Sure. It looks good. I assume your husband also loved it. Yes, he did. Then she told me that she thought I will give her a scolding. ME – A scolding for coloring her hair? Why would I do that. I love it. Do whatever you want. It looks pretty. Your stupid husbands and boyfriends have issues with your hair. I never had any such issues with Jasmine. Go ahead and figure. You don’t need my approval for it. Then we discussed further and she said – that she saw me as a super protective dad in her case. I kind of protested. How was I super protective? I would tell her of dangers, coach her, talk to her, but did I stop her?

But I guess the feedback is on the wall and for me to see clearly. I was always a guy who took care and precaution and ensured that people saw danger and understood the risks. But dam shit – I ended up being protective or say – over protective. That’s not what I wanted to be, definitely not. It’s going to be a tough thing from now on for me.

The old adage that I learnt from a book that said – protect where you must, permit where you can. I don’t know. It’s a long journey. Can I change my stripes fundamentally? I don’t know. But surely, I can try and manage and lessen the impact. But if I do change something that is core to me then will I remain who I am or will I at a fundamental level change? Will that change be good or will it break and essential part of me? Most of those under me would possibly say that I was always protective of them. How much will I change? And how much of this will die? No clue. I don’t even know if I will be successful in changing for the long run.

But at least this bit of feedback is good. At the very least – I am aware of what’s happening. Now I am looking at myself and looking to change. Looking to think in a new direction. A direction that I thought I had but quite evidently, I did not. Let’s see. Let’s change. Let’s hope it’s for the better. Let’s hope a new monster doesn’t emerge as a replacement.