Jispa is turning 13 and with that she is also turning into a
monster that I have no clue on how to control. But the hell… why should a
parent even be controlling anything about a child. It’s just not right. I don’t
think as parents we really know what is in the best interest of the child. Of course
we know some stuff from experience that we know is dangerous – like smoking
kills or that liquor is something that’s not really advisable or weed is bad. But
most of the other stuff – we have no clue. We think we do… we believe we do but
really – we don’t. Hell we don’t even know what the hell we want from our lives
– yet we try and control a lot for our children – I don’t understand why we do
it. Today I fight…. Almost every day I fight myself. There are certain dos and don’ts
that I would try and implement. Besides that I try and fight the need to bear
over her and try my best to let her be. Of course mommy is right. The more you
let her be the more she will get into trouble that she herself doesn’t want to.
But then isn’t the role of parents to stop her from getting into trouble versus
the role of growing up is to get into trouble all the time and then figuring out
two things. How not to get into trouble in the first place then figuring out how
to get out of it, once you have gotten into it. This is the weird dichotomy of
parenting. We don’t know. I think we naturally think we are good at stopping
trouble and we don’t realize that stopping trouble now is inviting trouble
later on. So what’s the right answer? In parenting there is possibly no right
answer. You invent things as you get along. Especially if you have one child…. There
are no mistakes to learn from. Just simple
stuff that you think you would have loved to have as a child and the stuff you don’t
want or want to have for your children. In many ways that is simple parenting.
I want Jispa to be free… I want her to say that in someday
that she is what is … thanks to herself and not thanks to anyone – not her dad,
not her mom not anyone else…and definitely not God. She has to be like the apocryphal
story of Napolean who on coronation – lifted the crown from the hand of the
Pope and crowned himself – saying that none me is fit to crown myself. In many
showing that he owed his entire rise to himself and to no one else. I have had
many mentors in my life. I have a learnt a lot from so many people. Not all tried
to teach me, but the simple act of observation has helped me more than anything
else. I am so happy that my dad never could pick up the phone and get me going
on anything. He also passed away way before I could really use his help. My
college my girlfriend (now wife) my job and I dug my own mentors from those
around me.
So all that I have or don’t - is thanks to me. At my death
bed I have myself to blame or thank. Of course Jasmine has helped me achieve
whatever I could have or couldn’t have (you have to take both). But at the end –
I have realized – you are alone. You stand alone – you die alone. The faster
you realize that the better you are. It’s like the story of Valmiki who wrote the
Ramayana – he takes to being a ascetic when he realizes that his family refuses
to take his share of sins as your sins are yours and you have to bear the consequences
of them. In many ways sins are the metaphors for your decisions. You have to
bear them yourself. Others have their own to bear.
In the years that I have worked or taught – I see that many
times – in fact I feel most of the time – parents are wrong. After a point of
time they can’t really tell you what to do in life. I think all advice is
stupid. People have to decide what they want to do for their own. Your children,
my child has to decide for herself on what to do. What can I do? I can advise, I
can guide, I can push, I can convince – but do I really know what’s right… no I
don’t. Experience will tell me something – something that tells me that the
process of decision making may not be right – but it doesn’t tell me if the decision
is right or wrong. To add to this – we don’t believe that quitting is the right
option.
Right now Jispa is swimming. Realistically – she is not a
great swimmer. She is a good swimmer, but I don’t think she would be counted as
amongst the great swimmers. She finds it tough to break in to the state team.
She does well to represent Mumbai. Now what’s the right thing for her? One of
her seniors from another club was applying to American Universities. The university
looked at all the certificates of the national champion and kept them aside and
asked for her timings. Her timings were nowhere the ones desired by the
University… so now what? Apply of academic merit. That’s all. Jasmine and I
were thinking about this since some time. What the hell should Jispa be doing?
He swimming regime is tough and her school regime is now going to get really
tough. Academic excellence is something that will give her choice on what to
follow in her years to come – not swimming. Indian Swimmers are nowhere on any
stage. They have no careers and they can barely earn enough to make ends meet
from swimming. It’s not an independent profession. In any case that’s hardly a
choice to be made for now. Sure she can always be a sports led profession here
she can use her swimming knowledge to great advantage but it still require s a
decent academic grounding. So we thought that we let her swim this year and
then the next year she focusses on studies while swimming just enough to enjoy
and not really to break through. In any case she has to now trust her coach and
really improve in this year.
Jasmine and I are tired parents. It has been really tough. Thanks
to Jispa’s swimming we have made some crazy number of sacrifices. Waking up is
the least of them. The Sundays spent at swim meet, the nutrition, the holidays
foregone etc. we have had some great returns but physically / mentally we are
done. Right now I am concentrating on something simpler – what does Jispa do
next year, in three years and then in five years from now. I am glad that Jispa
has no clue what she wants to do. Right now she says that she doesn’t want to
be a doctor or an engineer. Her subject she likes are Geography and History. I
love that. I would imagine having a child who wants to be an engineer… yuck! So
we have to figure a lot of things for her. Actually see – that’s exactly what a
dad says but shouldn’t. Why “we” figure what to do. She has to figure what to
do. I should be only a sounding board… an absorbent as well as a reflective
material at the same time. Hopefully she will figure.
On this here are two videos that I came across – very interesting
ones. Believe me – they are right. see them!
Both are amazing characters who do really well on youtube
End game - One of our friends is an amazing gentleman form
Denmark. He was telling me that his son was a really good tennis player and he
took him to London to train at the Wimbledon. His son played a few matches
there and just wanted to give up Tennis and then just did not want to play
anymore and wanted to come back home. His mom said – fine – come over and you
need to study there or train there if you don’t want to. Today after many years
– his son says – you should have pushed me then.
