jesting matters

Jasmine was called to school the other day as Jispa was feeling quite unwell. She had cramps in the stomach and it was paining quite a bit. When the Jasmine rushed to school, the sister first thought it was a case of an anxiety attack. An anxiety attack? For what joy? The physics exam was scheduled and possibly that was a trigger. Jasmine told the sister that is seriously unlikely and Jispa is not like that. Of course it was something else that we got treated with the doctor. But I don’t let Jispa hear the end of it. I keep asking her just to irritate her on how her anxiety attack is doing. Hehehe. Evil father.

Yetserday while going to school, we were talking. She was talking about how some of the kids in the class actually get an anxiety attack before exams and they get all stressed about exams. I had her about how she felt. “No I don’t feel stresses before an exam because you taught me not to. You always told me not to worry before an exam. Whatever will be will be”. Yes I did teach her that.

I was telling her that when I was her age and before and after, the only thing that my parents knew was that education was the ticket to prosperity. In many ways they were right. That era did not have so many options that you can pursue without necessarily being highly educated. Her class is full of kids of parents who have achieved a lot or are ambitious. Me – I am not too ambitious. I am aggressive but not that ambitious. Yes I want you do well, and I want to do well myself, but only as so much as to put a decent meal on the table and to enjoy the simple happy life. I don’t see myself as ambitious as the others in office. I don’t want my ambition to be Jispa’s ambition.

Ambition was something that I had when I was in college and when I was doing my MBA. I then realized (when I don’t know) that ambition takes a huge toll on people and the family around it. It nice to be ambitious but all ambition comes with consequences. Who pays for these consequences is a million dollar question. You pay for sure, but your family and your peers also pay for it. Happiness comes from making life smaller not bigger.

Of all the things, I want for Jispa is for her time with us to be happy. I want her to think of her growing up as more fun than anything else. Yes, it should be full of learning but not be burdened by it. I grew up with the pressure of exams and it stayed with me till late. I didn’t want that for her. There will be enough and more things to be stressed about, of all things exams shouldn’t be. Right now she is still a bit carefree about exams as she doesn’t hold the pressure of expectations as much. But later on when she puts a lot into her studies with the burden of her own expectations then it would be a different ball game all together, that’s when the penny drops or the cookie crumbles? It should be fun to see.

No I don’t want her to be so stressed about it at all. I want her to enjoy her life. She should be able to follow her heart and take risks in life. She should be able to tell her boss to take a hike and she should be able to take off and see the world.

I keep telling her that life is a series of experiences that one needs to have to complete. The more varied the better. Right now, Jasmine and me are tempted to get into another long term investment commitment. But I am done! NO. I want to now spend the next 4 years with the ability to get Jispa to try and try different things, explore new places and enjoy life. In any case, at 42, I don’t have the same desire for adventure that I had at 22. I would die to jump out of a plane in a parachute. It’s nice, but not on the top of my list for now.  So I also realize that right now what I have as desires will be different from when I what I will have ten years from now.

So for the first time, I am keeping my immediate priorities over the longer term ones. It’s interesting to grow older and see for yourself how your own priorities have changed or are in the process of changing.

On another completely different note: today I had the pleasure of watching / reading two pieces of journalism. One was a straight piece from a journalist who interviewed my previous boss and completely exposed his ideas. It was serious stuff. In the startup industry when everybody is going into a gold rush and refusing to look at data that is staring them in the face, it takes someone to get up and call the bluff, tell that the emperor is naked. Startups are great at innovation and trying new things but that does not automatically mean they are successful. In fact a lot of them are going to die. They will not survive because mere disruption is not the recipe for success. Success requires a lot of other things, the ability to manage people, the environment, the ability to adapt at various points of time and good old bull headedness. My previous boss was a good sales guy but at some time he over reached and things got weird. Someday, much later I will write about my experience. There are important reasons why I must not open my mouth now. Firstly – right now I am likely to be more critical than what is warranted and secondly the ability for time to give me perspective. Things were in a haze, they move fast in a startup. You end up with a lot of emotions when you refuse to see the writing on the wall and before you know it, things have moved under your feet. Secondly – time also gives you wisdom. It helps you see things in a better perspective. My last job wasn’t bad at all. It’s only towards the end things got weird. If you want bad jobs, the first one that I ever did was bad. And that too after twenty years I look on with sanguine eyes. I don’t blame anyone and it was in many ways a great learning experience.

Coming back – the piece was interesting and insightful. Not to me – I knew the whole story but to a lay reader I would imagine it to be very interesting. The journo got her facts right as well as her research and balance. It was for the first time, and after a long time an article that was worth reading. Normally I see journos just write whatever the spokesperson blurts out and reports it verbatim. It’s stupid and I stopped reading the papers thanks to these jokers. But this piece was especially well written. Good journalism is to tell the emperor that he naked and that he has no clothes on. This one exposed all the stupid venture capital guys who invest on a slide deck that loks pretty and has little logic. Some basic assumptions go out for a toss and things go horribly wrong, horribly. The debris from the hubris will be paid for in the form of broken careers and human costs.  But then that doesn’t go on balance sheets, does it?

The other way to tell the emperor is to use the court jester. Here you can joke away and sing a song but still criticize the ruler in way that no one can take offence. Right now an actress Kangana Ranaut is staying in the news by carrying the flag of women independence and taking a stand against nepotism. This wouldn’t work for long in Bollywood. Slowly but surely, the doors will close in on her as she gets isolated. I have argued for nepotism as a commercial call in Bollywood. Nepotism exists as it commercially viable, but that is a story for another day. But for now, she is seen in this video which takes massive potshots at the male star culture, nepotism and the never aging male hero who romances women 30 years younger! Without my comment on the same topic, here, look at the video – worth watching

Of course this chick is very smart. She knows how to stay in the news before her movie. But it’s still an awesome watch! And it has a valid role in a society.. a very valid and important role!

keep running

Oh god. Now at school they want Jispa to come to school early at 7 am for taekwondo practice twice a day. Oh man o man. Now this means leaving home at 6.30am on Tuesdays and Thursdays for school, in addition to the leaving home at 5.30am for swimming practice on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Jasmine and I did not know how to react to this news. Is this a good thing or a bad thing, from two perspectives?
First perspective – Jispa. The poor thing has a packed schedule. There is regular swimming and taekwondo, and one orphaned guitar class a week. Now in such a packed schedule, she has to manage her homework, extra time pass reading, playing with friends, studies during reviews and what not. In addition to this we are wondering on the physical burden on the child. We try and ensure she gets her adequate sleep, even if it requires us to scold her and switch off the lights when she wants to read. The second thing is that how do we give her adequate nutrition? Jasmine had spoken to a nutrition expert through a common friend. Her advice was that till the child reached adolescence, there is more harm than good if one tries to regulate nutrition through planning. Eat well, eat all you want, ensure balance. This is both great and worrying honest advice. This puts the pressure of nutrition squarely on parents. So now we keep thinking of what is enough or not. Add to this the fact that Jispa is developing an awesome abdomen. She had some serious ab muscles. These won’t let her tummy expand. So she will feel full in smaller meals that she would need from time to time. Then comes school, which is not exactly designed for small meals. They have fixed breaks with long intervals in between. How does Jasmine give her adequate food to last her through the long periods when her tummy is small to store much? At least that is the dilemma we believe exits. I think pretty soon I might have to chat with the school and get some special permission to eat every two hours. A small bite, a mini meal or so. And then the problem of cooking something a nine year old would want to eat. Jasmine goes mad trying to cook stuff. Jasmine is not exactly a blessed cook. She is quite adequate to the job but she is a bit bored cook. Asking her to challenge herself to cook something interesting everyday is a bit of a non starter. Compounding the issue is Jispa deciding at random not to eat her school snack completely. Shit. That just gets everything in a mess. So this time when the taekwondo call came in Jasmine was wondering, how are we going to feed her before the class and what do we give her to eat after the class. Mar gaye re… AND THE BIGGEST ISSUE – Jispa takes forever to eat. She is easily the most bored, lost and sleepy eater in the world. She can eat one bite and then take forever to put the next one in. she can put one bite in the mouth and then hold it in her mouth without chewing it for minutes on end. It drives us wild. Especially when you have to beat the clock in the morning. JISPA CHEW is the most popular word in our house. We have to keep reminding her, scolding her, shouting, everything. She sits with one knee raised to her chin and then rests her hand on it and then it’s waiting for Godot. I went hard after the knee bit. No knee on top. Not that I have a problem with it, but it puts her in a position where she just sits and dreams away. she can take 45 minutes for breakfast. We can’t wake her any early; we can go to school any later. This is a killer. Its kills us as parents. We feel like mean bloody driven parents.
I being the father took the complete cop out. This was more than what my brains could effectively handle. So I suggested the simple route – Complan - a milk drink in the morning which claims to have all the bloody nutrients you could think of. It’s like a vitamin cocktail. Jasmine and I never wanted to give Jispa these cocktails. We were of the belief that as long as you eat right you don’t need any artificial supplements. But given the pressures of time and the added responsibility of a square meal, we are left with no option but to give her a glass of complan in the morning. She likes the taste and drinks it one shot. We don’t need to scold her and she is off, ready to pack a mean punch.

Here she is, having a glass of Complan in the morning.
Now Jasmine has to pack something really tasty and pack it for a small fast meal after taekwondo and before school starts. I listed down all the possible stuff she can make. All the tasty fatty stuff, basically I write all the permutation and combinations you could have with potatoes, cheese, butter and paneer. Sometimes you toss them, sometimes you shallow fry them, you pack them, you sandwich them – whatever. Just pass them on.
So now you realize why we did not find great joy on hearing that she was selected for morning Taekwondo. The second perspective is that we are being severely stretched as parents. We got sucked into this mess in spite of not being driven parents. We said no classes for Jispa. Only swimming, which is a good thing? She started performing and moving up and more importantly enjoying her swimming. We had no option but to follow suit. Then this school. We are sucked into a vortex which makes us run around, freely her, revolve our lives around her extra circulars. Waking up early with her is taking a toll on us. How much can we do without breaking? Especially when we get no special thrill in seeing her medals.
All we can do is hope that this will make her a fitter person, a better person and hopefully this is a well-rounded childhood, and most importantly – we keep asking her – you sure you enjoy this, nah? Are you dead sure? You are not doing all this for us – please do only what you can do. The only thing we ensure she does is home work. Rest all is optional.

stress busters are so silly

How does one maintain a consistent mood, average or thought process through out the day, day in and day out, month after month, year after year? It is so bloody painful. Some times a series of shit happens and one is left feeling sad and down. Its increasing difficult to avoid the swings but thank fully its not as bad as it sounds. In negative swings I would typically be a little more circumspect and a little withdrawn. I also bounce back by doing things that give me pleasure and good news. So my worry is not the bounce but the questions that can one have a consistent behavior. Can I somehow convince myself to keep a steady mood and not be swung by the temporary emotions? How does one achieve this steady state? And this steady state has to be true to the inners of oneself else or else maintaining a state that is not consistent inwards and outwards would only mean more and more stress. Stress is something I seek to consistently avoid and skip. Not that life will not throw you stress. Stress is in its management. I learnt over millions of years to manage it better, handle it better, slide it off better. But sometimes it just becomes a little difficult. I think most of the difficulty will come from uncertainty. Not being sure, or being in dilemma’s is what causes the severity. I have learnt to handle shit, but am still learning to handle the undertainity. Slowly but surely it getting better. That’s why I am not so bothered by its depth but more by its mere presence. Sometimes the stress is accentuated by recognizing it as thus and therefore creating more of it by worrying more about it. Crazy but true. Not recognizing leads to more stress, recognizing leads to more stress. Only finally achieving solutions relieves it.
The biggest toll is actually eustress. The good stress that you have before a match. The stress that pushes you to perform. Today most of the stress is eustress.the tsress that you seemingly want to take as it improves your performance, keeps you on your toes and is essential. In times of plenty as I see now we are in, the biggest killer will be eustress. By itself in isolation it might be good, but the ability to manage many isolated instances of eustress might be something of a problem. How many flanks can you open? In bad times you close all and focus on the big problem. In really bad times lot more bad flanks open but can be many a times traced to one underlying problem. In times of plenty many such good stress points get created, thus the ability to multi manage these and create cohesive driving force is tested. While it might not be as gloomy as it sounds but there is a warning there. I will learn, you will learn, we all learn someday. It’s the bloody interim that is difficult to control and manage. I think the key solution is to first reduce the intensity.

As I write I was talking to a friend whose nick is goripari. translated as white fairy. So generally was chatting about some work and I got inspired by her name and I wrote the silly poem for her….

Tell me oh white fairy
Which way is the dairy
Do we drink to our health
Or wait for our wealth
Any way the ganga flows
Taking water from the snows
Cleaning sins as it must
Creating boons from busts
What to do, how to live
Live we must, drink we must
Are the answers in the dairy
Tell me oh white fairy….

I must thank her for this … it suddenly put me in a rocking mood. Made me feel all nice and charged up. A little creativity goes a long way… even if it does not make any sense.