no 'more coffee'

Coffee increases heart rate I think. The research if iffy but  most of tem seem to agree that there is some effect there. Yesterday I had coffee day. One coffee in the morning and then some more in the evening. Th evening coffee was a potent brew.

We were out of fresh coffee so I remembered one shop selling tea and coffee open during the lockdown. I guess they are essential activities for most. Coffee and tea. I went there only to find that he was telling me that the coffee is all over and they are getting no fresh stock. He asked me to try in a few days. While I was walking back home, suddenly I could get a strong smell of coffee. I stopped in my tracks and was wondering where it came from. I couldn’t see any shop open. Just then I saw a few meters ahead, hidden, a small shop selling coffee. Part of the chain of shops called Phillip tea and coffee, this guy was grinding fresh bean. Wow.

I went up and asked. He was grinding his top bean called the highlander at 700 bucks a kilo. I took a kg of his stuff and went home. This smelt potent. I mad ethe coffee in the traditional filter and had it in the evening. That is the last time I am having coffee as strong as that when I have nothing much to do. In a few hours I felt my heart rate just go up a bit. Nothing alarming but I now wanted something to do.

I couldn’t walk around; I couldn’t read anything – I was just sitting there, and my mind was racing. In these difficult times, the only thing I was thinking about was, how screwed we were with Covid. I could only think that the worl dis going to run into chaos and anarchy and that we will all be out of job. Luckily over the years I know when I am getting negative. I can see myself doing it.

Immediately I tried to snap out of it. First thing – admit to myself I am negative; then admit to Jasmine I am negative. Then think through – A ha – it’s probably the coffee and nothing to channelize the thinking and time and energy. Acceptance is important.

Negative zones are difficult zones. Its not easy. Years ago, I remember my brother helping me realise negative zones. There was a friend of his who would talk negative all the time. And we would make fun of it. He would invite him over and purposely start a conversation. Then when he left we would laugh like crazy. I have learnt not to be like that. And more importantly avoid people like that.

When my friends talk negative, I try and run away from them. I try and stop them from being too bitter or too negative a zone. Sometimes I too get there. You can’t avoid slippages. What you can is acknowledge them. Try and understand where they come from. For me Covid is a genuine crisis. Its too big and large to disappear. For the first time in humankind and economics, there had been a disruption/ displacement of labour, capital and Land (I substitute land for physical elements of the supply chain). All three are disrupted and people have left consumption.

It is probably great for the environment but as economics 101 goes, we are up shit creek. Maybe we will come back from it. May be there will be price to be paid and sacrifices taken. May be some will be more affected than most others. Maybe we will all come out of it better and stronger. Or we come out of it just slightly bruised. But my learnings and thinking and what I know – I don’t think so. I think the probabilities are stacked against us as a race. The disruption will be large as I see it.

I think I am strong enough to survive. I think I am bold enough to take challenges head on. I think we have saved enough to manage tough times. When I sit back and think – nah – I think I get by. At worst it will be tough, but I think with my thinking and clarity – we should be able to make it through.

The challenge is not the external circumstances. The challenge is internal. If I am negative before the shit hits, then I am lost. When it hits, I must be positive. I must face it and navigate. One reason I have not given away any of my old books is so that if there is ever a situation where I don’t have enough money – I will reread all of them. Its funny but that I how I think.

I like being prepared for the worst. I normally think the tough decisions in my life quietly and only open my mouth when I am in a better frame. Typically, I like to imagine worst case situation. When stress levels go up, I only think – worst case, what is the worst that can happen. I try and think of that, then I imagine how I will react. Then I imagine if I would be ok (I am always ok) and then its good. Now go to sleep.

When I wake up, I am happy, positive and able to take on the shit that the world throws me. I am sure more stuff that’s bad will happen to me. It will happen to all of us. I can only hope that I am prepared and more important positive in the light of this. I want to die a happy man not an irritating senile man who is pissed with the world. The point of life is happiness, not crankiness and definitely not negativity.

Understanding this about myself is one of the greatest gifts I feel I have. Being able ot know, I am angry, being able to see I am negative and that I want to do something about it. I would have loved to be a positive at all times person but that would mean that there is no difference between me and an optimistic Bambi. Ups and downs are part of life – you can only choose your reaction to it. Choose well. You have to live with it.

did I know that?

The bandh and a general state of mind that has helped me clear some of my immediate complexities has helped me overcome some of my writers block. It would be appropriate now to write a few more posts and keep my general average up there. The number is simple. One for every day at work. This is in many ways a daily purpose for me. For some reason it gives me meaning.
I also believe that writing a blog has helped me understand my own thoughts. It’s like talking to someone while explaining some stuff. Many times you also don’t kow its there till you blurt it out. And then you feel like a super smart guy. It is the same as having to remember your reading while you are having a conversation. Sometimes I am completely surprised by what I can recollect from what all I have read. There are so many books and if someone would ask me specific questions out of context on a particular book, I am always afraid that I might come up short. That I might not know a dam thing and all my reading is pretty superfluous and a put on.
Just yesterday I was making my profile. That too after a period of at least 8 years. I found it difficult and possibly it was lethargy that made me not make it. One push from a placement consultant tipped over the simmering discontent and I resolved to make one over the weekend. I decided that it won’t be as simple as the others I have seen but would allow for writing some interesting lines. One of things that I wrote was that if you want to know a bit of me you could access my goodreads account at http://goodreads.com/jaimit . As I checked it to see if the link was working, the first book that stared me in the face was ‘Simplexity’. While promising, it did not really go anywhere or did not have anything great to tell me. My mind was blank as I stared at the book. If the interviewer would go online and check the link and ask me from that book. I would probably draw a blank. With that book in hand I would possibly recollect a lot, but off hand it was that – a simple book that went nowhere. At least for me. The second and third books there also did not do me any good. Then some other books appeared down the scroll to give me a few breathing moments.
My philosophy has been simple while reading books. I cant recollect a lot of what I read but every book gives you one or two simple learnings that you could use somewhere. And that if you need something, you should be able to find it upon searching. That should be enough. It is always exciting for me when someone comes home and wants me to recommend books. I start off slowly but soon enough the connections come through and the recommendations start flowing. I suddenly realize what it is to be well read. I then take heart that my years of reading is not that much of a waste.
Years of? Well just about 6 years of reading. But that to me seems like a life time. all those books that gave me infinite amount of learning and I dare say wisdom. Today I know that my thinking has been strongly influenced by my reading. My ideas, my thought process, my views, my ability to balance my thoughts. It has taken my core, shook it a bit and settled it all nicely and neatly. The ‘mental jigsaw’ as someone once called it, is constantly changing and evolving. Sometimes it takes one sentence to shake it and re fit and sometimes you don’t even know that it has taken shape. You only realize it in hind sight when you think about your actions and thought process.
There is a great deal of significance I put on to thought process. I wonder if that is a good thing or it’s simply a case of too much thinking. I like to think about the basics. Some simple rules of thumb, some principles that aid thought process. But I like it and think its pretty cool. I cant understand those who cant. Till sometime back I thought they were just plain dumb or that their thought process was too undefined for it. But now I belive that its not so. There are som any who possibly don’t over think. They keep their mind free and uncluttered. They have simple principles that they too evaluate and change of a period of time. they just cant articulate it enough or are unable to talk at length about it.
We put too much emphasis on being able to talk and express and hence we have great orators as leaders. But if only put enough emphasis on understanding the person… what their real thoughts are… see if they fit the situation, see if they can be channelized, magic can happen. It’s easier said than done. It requires a lot more mere intent. The pressure is on us to know and dig forever and not take what the natural orators give us. Yesterday at class I gave my favorite assignment to the kids. Plot a simple graph for any industry explaining the relationship between profitability and marketshare. It helps the kids understand a lot. I can then explain profitability, marketshare and the industry dynamics. Most would plot a linear and direct relationship between the two. That is intuitive. The answer is a V shape curve which shows that the top three tend to compete with decent profitability with the next few in the ditch with far lower profits. The rear is brought up by niche players who cater to a smaller but well targeted group with lower expenses and possibly premium pricing. All driving up profitability. As usual we split the class into groups and we got a number of answers. The kids had to go onto the board and draw the same. There were ten groups with different number of kids in each. I drew ten graphs. For some reason only nine went on stage. I thought I had made a counting error. When I then analyses the graphs I remembered the missing one. Two girls, very nondescript, had drawn one on their notebook, which I had seen while I was on my rounds while the groups were discussing. They had drawn the V. but they refused to come on stage and draw it with the other groups. I had missed calling out to them and they refused to stand up when I asked if anyone was left. As is my style I destroyed all graphs including the correct one. Then I proceed to explain the theory from scratch and voila… we had a V on the board. I congratulated the two girls and bowed down to them. No one I had taught till now had got it in the first try. When on my rounds I had quizzed them on it, their theory was not well defined but the thought process was clear and in place. Not wanting to show emotions I merely walked away. Possibly they thought they were wrong and I had just been disappointed. But I was simply very very happy and impressed.
But it required me to be on my rounds. If I had given them the assignment and gone to make a phone call and come back to see the presentations, I would possibly never seen them and their graph. I would have missed them. I would have thought that the usual suspects who ask questions in class are the ones who know it all. They are the bright sparks, but hidden there amongst them might be gems of thought. Just because a few know how to argue, how to articulate, how to make a case, how make a show of it; they are not necessarily the ones. Very difficult. They choose to be quiet but it is up to us to make them talk. We would have to give them voice. For long corporate have given enough focus to the natural leaders but have simply ignored the thinkers who might not necessarily speak up. Either we go person to person and peep into their note books or we continue to give them a chance and an environment to speak up, we will be the poorer. It was a big lesson for me and I did not know if it till I began writing this blog. Funny nah. That is the power or writing. If you have no one to talk to them at least write. You would otherwise never have known what you knew all along.