conflicts everywhere, resolutions there

I do not know after 17 years of handling my little baby if I even understand her. My guess is that she for sure thinks we do not. She is simple and complicated at the same time. On the face of it, Jispa is extremely uncomplicated as an individual. She doesn’t get involved in many issues. She is not troubled too much by things around her and broadly she lives her life untouched by other people’s opinions.

On the other hand, some of her decisions and her mood swings we find difficult to predict or understand. I think 17-year olds everywhere are complicated people. And they have been so for ages. Its not an easy time. Even for Jispa.

I am also very conflicted on how to treat her  - adult or not. I am inclined to step off the pedal and Jasmine is inclined to stay on it. These causes a different set of complications. I think when you have one child the parental involvement in your child goes up and I think you are less likely to give more freedom to your child. We end up trying to control a larger swath of her daily life.

I have always been conflicted on this. Do I let her be and let her decide or stop her from hurting herself and doing silly things? Jispa is always fighting for her independence. I don’t know. Should we, should we not.

Every time I think we should let go, Jasmine says, that last one year. Lets just get her across the finishing line and we are done then. Why let go of it now after 17 years. Ya. It a valid argument. Our investment in her future is significant from an emotional standpoint. Surely she can handle one more year of us.

Her 18^th birthday is coming up this August. Man, after that its going to be a hell hole for us. Jispa is desperate to learn driving. I don’t know how good I will be as a teacher. How anxious I would be. Its going to fall on me to teach her. Jasmine will not be anywhere inclined to take up this task. This is going to be a severe test of my mental skills. The nest test is going to be equally fun. Would I give her the car to drive once I have taught her to? Oh boy oh boy. How is that going to happen? Which car would I give her? My bigger one or Jasmine’s smaller one. And how am I going to sit while Jasmine corrects her while she is driving.

Jasmine is a funny animal. She will be involved, want to be involved, itches to be involved but is so frustrated with Jispa that she will not teach her. Then little by little the pressure builds up and she uses a wrongly timed opportunity to speak up and then all hell breaks loose with Jispa. I predict this is going to happen in driving as well. It will be my job to teach and then suddenly once, Jasmine will start correcting Jispa and boom.

Not that Jasmine is wrong. Her observations are acute and very valid. Its her timing and delivery that is the issue most of the time. She will give it when she wants to and not when you ask for it. It’s a dark comedy that happens, which takes some maneuvering to either avoid or get out of.

Its so funny that when outside in you see, it looks like I am the aggressive one amongst the trio but as I have explained to Jispa many times, its Jasmine’s quiet aggression and doggedness that led Jispa to where she is right now, as far as her swimming, schedules, training and commitment goes. I would have slacked off way earlier if it were left to me.

These are some of the funny contradictions that a family lives with. There are so many weird combinations and complications that are best left unravelled. Right now, we have my mom staying with us. She has been staying alone for years now after she threw out both her sons. We went and set up our lives separately while she lived on her own. Over a period of time we managed to blow hot blow cold in our relationships and now we have reached fair degree of comfort in how we dal with each other.

When she threatened to throw us out for the umpteenth time, I had decided that from now on I will not fight with her come what may. So, over the years, I never ever fought, no matter what she did. Same with Jasmine. We realised there was no point fighting. We carried on and focussed on our life.

We built our house, our lives, our principals on our own. Its been a great journey. Its nice that in times like this because of how we handled ourselves, we were able to move on and get her over to live with us. That’s important. It’s a hell to be alone and quarantined like thus. Its nice to have your family together in such circumstances.

Again – its easy for me to get along with my mom and let bygones be bygones. I am amazed how Jasmine is able to handle that as well. Some of the stuff that happened was not pleasant from both our perspectives. I think its an interesting example for the rest and for our lives.

I think it is never correct to be bitter about anything and to rather have an easy disposition. You just accept and move on. You learn that it may not be the best for you at this time and that its ok. There is no reason to burn any bridges and be any bitter about your experiences. I think my mom is realising this as I am as well.

The only credit I give myself as I remember the moment years ago, as I had decided to leave the house, I promised to myself – I will not fight with mom. This one held on for years and it has still borne fruit. How do I do it to the rest of the world. I envy people who just refuse to fight any one anywhere in their lives. Cool calm people. I hate you guys. You guys by your mere presence make me feel like shit.

Its ok. I bring energy and life and action to my everyday life. My mom is also happy that while she is staying with us she is happily entertained. There is never a dull moment. I am talking, doing, fighting, boxing with Jispa, making fun of Jasmine – something or the other. She can’t believe how unlike each other; her two sons are. Placid lake versus raging storm.

There so many opposites – so much reconciliation.

NOW

Getting stuck at home for 40 days is a real bummer. Mentally it’s a very tiring thing to do. Sit at home and get stuck on a computer with tons of video calls. Wow that is so tiring.

When I was very young, they dreamt of video phones. Phones on which there would be a tiny screen where you could talk to people and see them at the same time. I thought that was a very sci fi thing to happen. I could never believe that this was even possible. Now I am on video calls  whole day long with so many people on it.

We always had Microsoft teams software on the laptop and I wondered why we ever would want it? Now we do so many meetings on teams that’s it gets a bit tiring. But I guess this big event will change the way we fundamentally work. With all this software, we have all now learnt how to use it and be comfortable with it. I guess we won’t be travelling for work meetings for a long time. People will be lets just VC and don’t bother to meet face to face.

This is a good thing. I learnt this from all the startup guys over the last few years. They were all into VC for demo, meeting, everything. So, in my last company I was the only ‘dude’ who was comfortable over VCs. Then a few more in my office got the bug. But it remained a bit of an odd man. Most still wanted to meet the guy on the other side.

This is the third big wave I have had the privilege of seeing in the last 5 years. Three events have happened that changed the behavior of a billion people. First was when demonetization happened. It took a lot of money out from cash and put it electronically. There was a stupid cost that the economy was to pay but it brought to a lot of people the power of electronic cash. It change the behaviour and pattern for a lot of people.

Second – was the Jio launch. Jio essentially made data ridiculously cheap on mobile for entire India. It brought data to a lot of people. People just showed that when access to free data they can consume like crazy. Information and entertainment reached almost everybody I know. This was the big change. Before the Jio launch, mobile and desktop traffic was about 55-45 in mobile favor. After the launch it zoomed to 70 to 80% in favor of mobile.

People consumed everything on the mobile. And the business model had to be changed for every firm. If you are not on the mobile, then you are nowhere. Even today people and businesses don’t design for the mobile screen. Even when data is staring them in the face. I just don’t get it. I have had to lose my cool on so many issues and people when planning for the mobile first world. Sighhhhh.

This is the third big immediate shift that we are seeing. This will be hard on a lot of people. Its going to be difficult for the economy to come back. People are going to be displaced. Jobs will go and people will be forced to reimagine their lives in new ways. It is said that it takes 21 days to form a habit or kick a bad habit. We have going to be locked out for 40 days. A lot of habits are going to change. Lets see how the rebound is. Will businesses change forever, will people change forever, or we will just remember it like a wonderfully crazy dream that happened in the past.

Whatever – its interesting to have lived through these times. Our parents talk about the emergency in 77 or the wars that we had. We will talk about moments like this – when overnight money was poof, everyone was mobile and the world was inside, scared. Wow. I just hope that we come out of this relatively unscathed and then we should be happy about these times and would talk about them with fond memories.

The other thing we have been lucky in our family is that I amassed a big range of games to play. A lot of board games. So that’s a good thing but also, I don’t think my family love sit as much as I do. Sure, they play but it’s not like a highlight for them as it is for me. I love playing these games and it gives me great joy to play/ win lose fight and have a jolly good time. I would love it if I could retire and continue to wake up, play badminton, go to Starbucks drink coffee (yes, I am dreaming), read a few books, have a few meetings to help startups, teach a few colleges, play board games, swim in the evening and then go to sleep. That’s my retirement plan.

I never thought that I would plan for retirement nor did I ever think that I would retire. But I guess this is my dream retirement. Travel the world? I dunno. I don’t have that big ambitions. I would rather play my life, mentally and physically and get tired by the end of the day.

BTW an old friend popped up. After a long time. She had done some courses in yoga and then learnt about beinga teacher and the she did special yoga therapy and boom she is some fancy ass teacher who can do therapy and heal you. Randomly she decided to help me with my knees, post op. That was mighty kind of her.

She was a good friend, probably still is but we aren’t in touch and I think when we do randomly connect, we just kind are kinda warm towards each other. Not much to say or share, just a warm nice hello. But that’s not the story. The story is that she is a really good therapist. I am so amazed. Suddenly at the age of 33 or so she decided to do this, change her profession and dedicate herself to this. Wow.

At first, I was like – there is no way I can do something like this. But when I thought a bit about it. Well, well, that is exactly what I have done. I went after digital, learnt new tricks and transformed my skill sets and redefined my career. Ok. But I am still might impressed with her. And yes, I feel very nice when an old friend calls you to help you out – unconditionally.

Randomly another friend called me – this one is plague. This one is a multi-level marketing guy looking to sell you something on the side to make money. You are nothing but a sales pitch. Oh god, does he not know he is so predictable? Does he not know?

But you get all types. All experiences. It’s a good thing. These are interesting times. Hopefully we come out stronger. Yup, I have faith in the power of the human being if left to his own imagination. We will have to work extra hard to be on top of the change we see. It’s difficult but it’s not that impossible. I did it, she did it. You do it. Now.

no 'more coffee'

Coffee increases heart rate I think. The research if iffy but  most of tem seem to agree that there is some effect there. Yesterday I had coffee day. One coffee in the morning and then some more in the evening. Th evening coffee was a potent brew.

We were out of fresh coffee so I remembered one shop selling tea and coffee open during the lockdown. I guess they are essential activities for most. Coffee and tea. I went there only to find that he was telling me that the coffee is all over and they are getting no fresh stock. He asked me to try in a few days. While I was walking back home, suddenly I could get a strong smell of coffee. I stopped in my tracks and was wondering where it came from. I couldn’t see any shop open. Just then I saw a few meters ahead, hidden, a small shop selling coffee. Part of the chain of shops called Phillip tea and coffee, this guy was grinding fresh bean. Wow.

I went up and asked. He was grinding his top bean called the highlander at 700 bucks a kilo. I took a kg of his stuff and went home. This smelt potent. I mad ethe coffee in the traditional filter and had it in the evening. That is the last time I am having coffee as strong as that when I have nothing much to do. In a few hours I felt my heart rate just go up a bit. Nothing alarming but I now wanted something to do.

I couldn’t walk around; I couldn’t read anything – I was just sitting there, and my mind was racing. In these difficult times, the only thing I was thinking about was, how screwed we were with Covid. I could only think that the worl dis going to run into chaos and anarchy and that we will all be out of job. Luckily over the years I know when I am getting negative. I can see myself doing it.

Immediately I tried to snap out of it. First thing – admit to myself I am negative; then admit to Jasmine I am negative. Then think through – A ha – it’s probably the coffee and nothing to channelize the thinking and time and energy. Acceptance is important.

Negative zones are difficult zones. Its not easy. Years ago, I remember my brother helping me realise negative zones. There was a friend of his who would talk negative all the time. And we would make fun of it. He would invite him over and purposely start a conversation. Then when he left we would laugh like crazy. I have learnt not to be like that. And more importantly avoid people like that.

When my friends talk negative, I try and run away from them. I try and stop them from being too bitter or too negative a zone. Sometimes I too get there. You can’t avoid slippages. What you can is acknowledge them. Try and understand where they come from. For me Covid is a genuine crisis. Its too big and large to disappear. For the first time in humankind and economics, there had been a disruption/ displacement of labour, capital and Land (I substitute land for physical elements of the supply chain). All three are disrupted and people have left consumption.

It is probably great for the environment but as economics 101 goes, we are up shit creek. Maybe we will come back from it. May be there will be price to be paid and sacrifices taken. May be some will be more affected than most others. Maybe we will all come out of it better and stronger. Or we come out of it just slightly bruised. But my learnings and thinking and what I know – I don’t think so. I think the probabilities are stacked against us as a race. The disruption will be large as I see it.

I think I am strong enough to survive. I think I am bold enough to take challenges head on. I think we have saved enough to manage tough times. When I sit back and think – nah – I think I get by. At worst it will be tough, but I think with my thinking and clarity – we should be able to make it through.

The challenge is not the external circumstances. The challenge is internal. If I am negative before the shit hits, then I am lost. When it hits, I must be positive. I must face it and navigate. One reason I have not given away any of my old books is so that if there is ever a situation where I don’t have enough money – I will reread all of them. Its funny but that I how I think.

I like being prepared for the worst. I normally think the tough decisions in my life quietly and only open my mouth when I am in a better frame. Typically, I like to imagine worst case situation. When stress levels go up, I only think – worst case, what is the worst that can happen. I try and think of that, then I imagine how I will react. Then I imagine if I would be ok (I am always ok) and then its good. Now go to sleep.

When I wake up, I am happy, positive and able to take on the shit that the world throws me. I am sure more stuff that’s bad will happen to me. It will happen to all of us. I can only hope that I am prepared and more important positive in the light of this. I want to die a happy man not an irritating senile man who is pissed with the world. The point of life is happiness, not crankiness and definitely not negativity.

Understanding this about myself is one of the greatest gifts I feel I have. Being able ot know, I am angry, being able to see I am negative and that I want to do something about it. I would have loved to be a positive at all times person but that would mean that there is no difference between me and an optimistic Bambi. Ups and downs are part of life – you can only choose your reaction to it. Choose well. You have to live with it.