does the box belong to Pandora or Schrodinger

Over a period of time, one changes. Someone was asking me about people and how we change. My belief is that typically people don’t change themselves too much. They change and many times it looks big, but most of the time, it is a representation of something that was there in them from the start. An avatar of it, comes out. So essentially you are the same person but just a different manifestation of yourself comes out. People and circumstances do that to you. How long can you go about being beaten and getting jammed by the world, before you put your foot down and change.

The new friend in office is the HR lady. She is sweet and we seem to get along. Possibly she is one of the older recruits we have had and this brings a certain sense of stability to her behavior vis a vis the rest of the jokers. She was saying that she can’t make out what I am. She is understanding a new perspective about me every time. Ah well. She said that sometimes I am damn tough and sometimes, I am a softy. I was telling her that as a kid, a young recruit, I was pretty naïve and simple. I was innocent, loyal and straight forward. I believed in what people said. Soon enough, I became hardened and you can’t just take me for a ride every time. Shit happened and kept on happening with me in my life and you change. I would to be the 21-year-old me. I loved myself then. I really was a sweet kid. Now I am an asshole. I have changed.

So here, I have changed but not as much as it seems. I still care, I am still more trusting than suspicious, I still like to give stuff rather than receive and fundamentally, I just try and be the person I would like to interact with. That’s how I have become.

Yesterday I was telling Jasmine – I don’t know how, but this weird part of me has come out. In sense that I can love and give and give and love till a point – and then, if you still don’t get it, I simply just shut off. I am done. And once I am done – it’s over. I can be there but it’s over. It happened with Mom. I loved her and gave a lot to her. I was loyal and by her side. I tried to keep her happy and manage her expectations for many years. I asked Jasmine to manage and I exacted greater sacrifices from them. Till a point that Jispa was born. I remember that it was about the point that I just gave up. I kept quiet. That was a snapping point. Till that point I was the sweet kid who could do anything, and when break point happened, it was so quick and fast that it seemed like I just flipped a switch. I would be very worried when I keep quiet and I try not to. Because once that happens, it always dangerous. Getting me back is not that difficult, but it will never be the same.

It happened to people at work as well. One kid I taught, he was drifting away and I gave him a nice job with me. He was okay at his work. I kept him going till appoint came when he decided to leave. Sure, you must leave, I try my best to ensure that people who work for me find new havens elsewhere. But this kid hid his job search from me, which I understand and then he never told me which firm he is about to join. That was bad and something that I did not accept. You cannot be that secretive from me, especially if you hold me in any regard. That was it, I rarely did speak to him afterwards.

I see this turning off behavior many times when I deal with people. I just choose to keep quiet or not tell. If it’s not going to help then it’s not worth it. My life gets selective. Old colleagues who bitch about me, get this as well. You have to decide what you want from me and what you are going to give me. If you want good friendship then you go the whole hog. If you want camaraderie then that’s what you are going to get and if you want a good colleague then that’s that. It’s the confusion in your mind that will get my goose. I don’t abandon friends no matter how bad they may have been to me. I am there, just the avatar that they are used to, changes. This is something they don’t understand.

This is something about me that I fight a lot with myself when it comes to my family. I know that the off switch is very very difficult to turn back on and hence I try and stay away from it at all times. Jispa is dangerously flirting with the off switch in some aspects.

I have always maintained a system in which I talk and discuss a lot of things and try and impart learnings. All my life, I have learnt, not for just expanding my knowledge but in a large part so as to expand it to those around me. Talk to people, let them learn from your experience and knowledge. This is the way for knowledge to expand and further gain roots in your own head. It gives the greatest joy. Jispa gets the best from this as I explain various different things to her. But these days as she changes and as she grows up, she has little time and little patience to give me. Just yesterday itself, I had an interesting conversation with a swim parent and this one was someone who I was trying to explain on the role of government and how it is becoming a ‘Big Brother’ in our lives. While we were discussing this, I explained that how today we have so much control over our children’s life. We watch over them and we know what they are doing in their lives. My parents hardly knew anything about us compared to what we know about our child. That I keep telling Jasmine to back off is another matter for a later conversation. But that we have an overhang over their lives is a crazy thing. We are there and they know we are there. The parents have whatsapp groups that talk to each other, corroborating stories and chatting with each other. My mom knew no other mom from school. None. We parents, practically know every other one. This is influencing their behavior in many ways I argue. At a fundamental level, the kid knows about this overhang and hence his behavior is attuned to this. He will change his behavior and choices knowing our likes and dislikes and approval. So, in effect in many ways we have made these choices for them. While we were growing up, the biggest choice I think was the choice of girlfriend and the choices of our families, in many ways shaped the choice of partners we had. Some rebelled but most stayed within the norms. Today we know so much more and we therefore choose much more and therefore, what we approve or disapprove in many ways in shaping our child’s choices even before they make their choice. My friend to whom I was talking to, got it and said, Schrodinger’s cat. Yes – much like the cat, the fact that you are going to open the box and look inside has made the decision for the cat. In fact, the fact that you have the choice to opened the box and look inside has collapsed the probability and influenced the life of the cat. We make our choices for our kids even by not making them, but by the very fact that we can choose to make them. Oh bloody hell. But well it was interesting conversation and I started talking about it at the dinner table, when Jispa got up for something, and then she got up as she finished the dinner and then was sitting elsewhere on the sofa in the living room. I looked at Jasmine and said “I was telling her something”. Jamsine looked at me and called out to Jispa and said “your dad was talking”.

I told Jispa to let it be. I dint want to talk anymore. I then whispered to Jasmine “I think she has its easy. Ever since she was a kid, she got me and whatever I could offer on a platter. I don’t think she values it as much.” And then I murmured something to the effect that outside people come to conferences once they see my name on the speaker panel and I have a lot to offer to so many people and students. I guess at home it’s not as valuable as it could be. Jasmine understood this. She knows what I have gone through or what I go through.

I study and read so much and learn so as to teach. Of all the students of mine, Jispa is my special one. It will be heart breaking when she will do this. But I don’t grudge her for this. This is what kids will do. They will not value whats in front of them. Possibly down the line, she may value what I bring to the table. I jokingly (possibly half-jokingly) told Jasmine that I am dying to meet her boyfriend. Possibly then she will know what her dad is worth. I know that weird people like me are less available, what are the chances that Jispa will meet two in her life.

But still, yesterday I was a little surprised with myself. I normally try not to switch off when it comes to family. I know how dangerous I can get with this. It can get pretty unnerving for the other side. I don’t wish it on people, but this is a simple response mechanism.

Because I read so much, I learn so much and I tech so much, I try and explain it to various people; and that is the exact reason I just shut up if I don’t find interest on the other side. There is no point pushing where nothing can be helped. So many people in day to day life, don’t know learnings from their freaking elbow, if they see it. So many don’t want to and are too preoccupied to or are just plain too arrogant to really want to know anything. Hence it better to switch off. But this works (actually really does not) with the rest of the world but is a zero-sum game with the family. You end up losing as much as anyone else. I don’t let that happen. This little blogpost is a reminder to me to say that I shouldn’t let it happen.

There are enough idiots in the world who piss me off and I don’t need them again in my life. Some have managed to be family, I can’t handle any more. This mustn’t happen. Today as I type this I realise that I have to resist this. Shutting off is not an option at home. I think this response is a means to not belittle what I have to say and not insult all that I have read. It is a way of preserving my sanity and desire to learn more. I see many kids every year. Some have an innate desire to learn and some don’t care about anything. It would kill me to see Jispa move away from learning. But then – see I have just done a Schrodinger’s on her.

I think we have influenced our kid’s reality in many more ways than we care to think.  This blog can serve so many purposes. It’s not meant to be a blog to help her understand and shape her behavior or be grateful towards us parents. It was meant to be a source of soup for her. A kind of soup you want on a rainy day, that makes you reflect and take heart in whatever issue you have. Soup, or perhaps coffee with some chocolate dust sprinkled on it. Warm. On a cold day.

Some day she will have to deal with kids, possibly her own. This will be awesome fun at the time.

Parenting is alike a freaking rollercoaster that just doesn’t stop, it slows down and when it does, its typically when its creaking upwards, making a weird sound to let you know that it’s going to just take you over the edge and give you the scare of your life; and when you are done with it, you should go back happy thinking that was a swell ride. Ya sure. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Of all, not on Jispa for sure.

Fun fact – I can handle roller coasters of all types, I find the humble tea cup ride a crazy nightmare. I can handle anything that goes round and round. Conversations included ;)

Oh Kashmir

Today morning I sat on the dining table for my breakfast and Jispa was reading the newspaper. One the page was this brilliant and lovely photograph which won the MCC Wisden photo of the year award. This was shot in the beautiful fall of Kashmir, and it captures the moment and its environment so beautifully.

This is the magic of Kashmir, I told Jispa. Then I explained the plight of the Kashmiri Pandit to her. Kashmiri is a place like no other. It is extremely beautiful and magical. The valley has snow and autumn fall. The weather in summer is lovely and the trees and lake all add to the magic that is like something never seen before. It is no wonder that Pakistan and India fight to retain this lovely piece of land. My personal suspicion when I have met people from Kashmir, both Hindu and Muslim is that they always considered themselves to be Kashmiri first and then accustomed to reality or religion as a state identity moved to be an Indian or a Pakistani. I think our geography and history strongly affects our culture and our sense of identity. Kashmir with its unique geography and its isolation form the rest of the country before modern rail and roadways meant that they tended to be different from the rest of the country with its own uniquely different identity. They managed to carve out a sub culture for themselves. The case in point being the Kashmiri Pandit. You can recognize them anywhere thanks to their typical facial features and the of course the Kashmiri nose. They were learned and educated. They prized education and were keen to inculcate this in their young ones as well. They were in seats of power in the Hindu Dogra kingdom that ruled Kashmir. They were amongst the few Saraswat Brahmins to freely eat non-vegetarian food, as they ingrained themselves with the local cuisine and culture. They are known to be foodies and connoisseurs of non-vegetarian cuisine. Then the insurgency took ground in Kashmir and terrorism and violence became an integral part of the Kashmiri life. Then on one ill-fated day – 19^th January 1990 when insurgency was at its peak, the Kashmiri Pandits were asked to leave Kashmir immediately.  They left in large droves leaving their houses and their lives behind. I have spoken to so many of my Kashmiri friends who where kids as they left. They speak about their wooden houses, two floors high with wooden cabinets and beautiful rugs. They speak about the beautiful chinar trees and the apple tree that they had in their plot of land on which they lived. They speak about letting them all go as they left the valley to other parts of India. Some of them left the houses on a ‘as is where is’ and the others left it to their Muslim neighbors and friends. Some of hem were burnt, the others forcibly occupied. These Pandits then ran away and many took refuge in Jammu in camps where they were given bivouacs, where they thought it would be temporarily before they could get back home. There was also a sudden mass clandestine exodus under the watch of the controversial Governor Jagmohan. After this exodus, no Pandit ever returned back to his home. The violence increased and ebbed, but now the Pandits set up their home across the country and rebuilt their lives. You have colonies in large cities like Delhi and Mumbai where you will pockets of Kashmiris as they settled down.

Once you spend ten years or more outside rebuilding your life, how can you go back? The government tried various incentives to get them back and supposedly only one has returned. With it an important part of history and culture was lost to Kashmir forever.

Now a new kind of violence in increasing in the valley. As the youth get educated, they need jobs and income. There is none being created. In Kashmir the land is fertile and plentiful. No one will die of hunger but people will die of subjugation, propaganda and unfulfilled ambition. When I went there the last time, around 12 years ago, the tourism industry had just started and the people were recovering from the terrors aftermath. I realized it then, that the people will now need industry and commerce to grow and live peaceful lives. They need to be more connected to the rest and not so insulated. Right now, the youth has picked up the ultimate weapon in its fight against the government. Not the gun or the knife – but the humble stone. A gun can be fought with a bullet and the person can be killed in response, brutally. But when the protestor is an unarmed youth with nothing but a stone, then any act of retaliation by the forces will be seen as excessive. The democratic foundation and moral high ground of the country rests on its ability to treat its populace with care and collective concern. Stone pelting is something that started the revolution in Egypt and the Arab Spring. Here it is creating a problem unknown to the forces who have historically dealt with the gun. With excessive media outreach, cell phone camera and instant news, can a democratically elected government be seen shooting at youth armed with a stone.

A new chapter is being written yesterday as I saw an image that completely caught me. An image of young school girls throwing stones at the armed forces.

Oh, my god. If young men pelting stones was bad enough, this is the ultimate sign of revolt. You can still fight through and lathi charge a gang with stones but can any government do anything with a bunch of school girls throwing stones at the security forces. What moral right will the government have in this case. What is its standing? This defiance cannot be quelled by might but only by discussion, dialogue and what I really believe – economics. Religion, freedom, beliefs, rebellion come from idle minds and poor pockets. As long as ambition is given freedom, these can be managed within structures without rise to violence. Trading nations don’t fight wars. Commerce abhors a war. This the same reason why in spite of the vice seen on every street corner in Bangkok, you will still find it relatively safe as a tourist. I walked around the streets at night and I saw illicit bars and rampant prostitution, I was solicited by every taxi guy but still I felt safe. It’s also one of the reasons that people suggest when you talk about the low crime rate in Tokyo. There is a debate – whether its effective street level policing or its the crime lords who ensure petty crime is at bay and the citizens feel safe while they extract money from the business. But if commerce is good to quell crime then it’s also equally awesome for quelling insurgence. If the adage that no war can be won on an empty stomach is true then the corollary is that no insurgence can be sustained in the land of plenty.

The politics of insurgence is wonderfully understood by those fueling it in Kashmir. They successfully got the youth involved in pelting stones and now this. Now we wait for the Indian government to revert. The army in the middle did something weird. They were in a situation where they had to go in and get their people who were stuck in a mob that was pelting stones. They did something quite innovative. They got one of the pelters and tied him to the front of the jeep as a human shield. 

Yes. The tactic seemed to have worked. You got out of the situation without firing a single shot, no one was harmed and the day was saved. But this is not war, this is a fight over ideologue over your own people. Can you do that with your own populace? Can the government so brazenly kidnap its own citizen and use him as a shield. That too a person picked up from the street without a trial. It’s not about what’s right or wrong at the time. It’s about how these instances can be used to fuel further hatred and the feeling of them versus us. In the battle of ideologue, PR is extremely important. You may have quelled the situation but you gave rise to a few more revolutionaries, a few more girls who were emboldened to throw stones.  What are the long term implications of your actions?

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In the backdrop of this, look at the lovely picture of a the youth of Kashmir playing cricket, again. It suddenly has so much more meaning.

student defines the teacher

Its summer time and the water is warm. This is the time to start your swimming again. Jispa was telling me that you will now struggle with your water feel and you will not enjoy the swim if you restart swimming after a long time. She is right. Water feel is a real issue in swimming. You tend to get water feel after a few swims and you get a feel of the water as you glide past pushing it behind. It’s like timing in cricket, there is no way to get it by theory but when you do get it you realize you have the gift and then you keep going. After a layover many batsmen work on it in the nets to get the timing and then they struggle to retain it. The batsman who are called gifted are the ones who just have it in them from the start and seem to effortlessly get it at all times. They may not score runs but they always time the ball and hence we call them gifted. I think water feel is the swimming equivalent of being in form and timing the ball.

I have always struggled getting back into the water and getting back into top shape. Somehow the water doesn’t feel right and the body doesn’t respond well to it. I end up struggling to hit the level of work out performance that I was capable of before the break. It was very difficult for me to understand it but Jispa summed it up pretty amazingly for me and called it water feel.

I entered the water and swam with Jispa for a while. She is a joy to watch in the water that she makes her own. While I swim on the surface of the water she will dive and swim under me with her face to me and keep blowing bubbles while kicks and moves ahead. It’s a really funny sight. Then I told her to see me swim and help me correct my strokes. I was pretty impressed by her instant correction points. Among other things she told me not to fight water. “don’t fight water. Let it flow easily. Remember Finding Nemo movie which said – fish are friend not food. Similarly Water is your friend not your enemy. Don’t fight it. Be smooth. Get your motions to be smooth.” She was right. I was pushing water to get ahead. I was trying to hold water and get it behind me. Then I understood a bit about the legs movement and I found myself moving quite faster and more “fludically” than before. Nice.

The best part was not just being able to swim better but the fact that Jispa now could simply see me and correct me at a very, can I say philosophical level? Not just the techincals of pulling the hand through, kicking in a particular way or something, but moving while not fighting water. That was one of the best advice I have ever received while swimming. Don’t fight the water. Now every time I enter the water, I will swim knowing that I need fight water but work with it. Water is not my enemy, it is my friend; and that this was taught to me by my daughter. These learnings are worth their emotional and technical weight.

Then she showed me something she figured about doing in water. She went to the bottom of the pool and faced up, and then she blew bobbles in the form of rings. These rings would then float to the surface. It was awesome. I loved that she could do that. I too tried to do it and after a few tries I did a swell job as well. Jasmine, as the judge agreed, that my rings looked rounder than hers. That felt good.

As a teacher, I think the best thing is when your kids teach you more and help you understand more. You love a kid who questions you and then applies your learnings and pushes you to do better. And then you get the feedback that this learning was applied here and this was the result. Teaching without learning and learning without application is pretty much useless. You have to constantly apply and see the result of your actions. That is good learning. I have taught so many kids over the last 14 odd years. I remember that I first started teaching when Jasmine was pregnant with Jispa. Over the years, I have taught scores of kids and tried to explain various different concepts to them. I don’t know what all I have taught but I hope that some kids take away something interesting from all that. Some lesson that must have struck some bell at some point. God only knows where and what. I see teaching as a kind of social service or a social good. It is my way of giving back to society something in a meaningful way. I hate giving money away for anything. I prefer giving time and energy and knowledge. This true giving. Money seems to be the simplest way but it’s not what I want.

One kid who worked at my friends start up, got friendly with me as we worked professionally. AS she realized that I taught at schools, she wanted to accompany me there and learn from my lectures. I was happy to have her join the class. Looking at her even Jispa joined in.  This kid seemed different. She had a curiously strong urge to learn a lot and start applying. She listened made notes and then started discussing my lectures with her colleagues and started applying stuff at work. This was interesting and incredibly rewarding. She would tell me on how what I taught was applied by her and how it affected her work and her colleagues. How this enriched her environment and her job. That felt nice. Slowly an acquaintance became a student and now a friend. I am sure as she grows older and in stature the relationship will be grow more equal. Today one of my best buddies is one lady who worked with me around ten years ago – Sonal Shah. She too learnt a lot from me and I learnt a lot from her. We have been with each other many times and I have even rehired her when I moved to a new role.

These experiences helped shape me and give the joy from teaching. Some kids will remember me and some will forget me and some will curse me (hopefully few here). But at the end – if I can make a difference to at least one in a class who can then affect others in turn and start a possible chain reaction – that will be just so awesome.

Today in the morning while I was in the Gymkhana early after dropping Jispa, I realized that it was the birthday of this new kid who has been attending my lectures. I hate wishing happy birthday. It’s something stupid and highly impersonal. I like writing a note. And when you have had a groggy night thanks to the AC being switched off and then on again, with the fan being full (that’s a old grouse with my wife), one tends to get a little philosophical. And with that mood I wrote her a note.  A long one for whatsapp. But I thought it merited being reproduced here. It has enough lessons for me and for those who read it and for it to be passed on. Here, groggy mornings can produce philosophers. (I think I think best in my half dreams and in long showers. Really. Seriously)

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Hey kid. I am not the one who likes wishing on birthdays. I don't do that. I think it's stupid and a complete waste of time and energy. Too many jokers who don't mean anything to me catch me and wish me and appear to love me. Aaahhh.. but then don't let the cold of a damp 41 year old put water on the red enthusiasm of a young 28 year old. (Did I get the age right).

Enjoy your birthday and your life. You have been an amazingly great student for me. At some core level, I have found greatest joy in teaching and imparting my learnings to people around me, that I care about and those that care about me. In you I see someone who just wants to squeeze maximum possible from me. That encourages me a lot. And in teaching you, in talking to you, in discussion with you, I end up learning a whole lot myself. I learn about my thoughts and that of a young turk. These thoughts are invaluable as they are considered and honest. It's like a game I loved playing as a kid. I would fling a crazy ball against the wall in the house and try and catch it on the return. I would then impart spin to it and throw it and the catch it. It was tough and an amazing fun game to play. I hope u know what a crazy ball is and what happens when u fling it at a wall, with spin.

As you grow older you will realise that you have a debt to pay. If I were to listen to you then you have a debt to pay on my account. I seemed to have taught you a lot. My great guru, Dharen, never asked me for anything but I still want to give me my right thumb. So, I think the best way to pay him is to teach the world to be more considerate marketers, and through that change the world. I think he would appreciate that the most.

Funnily, as I pay my debt in this way, it gives me greater learning and greater Joy and the act of paying off the debt makes it paradoxically larger. So, I have to pay it more and more. Never did I realise that paying off an EMI on an usury would be so much rewarding.

Creating such a debt made my life rewarding. Very rewarding. It allowed me to connect to lovely people like you and some others as well as not so lovely people who turned out quite caustic in the end. But even a fire that signed the child left him a message.  But like we all know the reward of playing with fire more than compensates for the occasional burn.

I hope you find your debt and u find paying it rewarding.  I wish you many such debts of joy. To receive and to repay. Hopefully they add meaning to your life the way they added meaning to mine. And Dharen doesn't even know it that he can create an angulimal from my many thumbs.

I wish I could wished for everlasting happiness and live and everything that a fairy can offer. I am no fairy and you are no doe in front of headlights.

Birthdays are a good time to be philosophical, both from a receiver and a giver perspective. They have their uses afterall. A time to reflect and to ponder. But then, not too much. It's more a time to soak in all the unwanted, unrequited, unreal and unfelt love as well. There is perverse joy in that as well. Enjoy that while the optimism of youth is yet unscratched by the cynicism of grey.

So that's it. If u reading till here and you have reached here without a yawn drawing tears and making it blurry, I think I have possibly conveyed what I needed to. Not wisdom but experience.

There... Pass it on, no backs. (Did you girls play this game)?

Enjoy.

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