the futility of a pig wrestle

I guess we just don’t understand what collateral damage is. Or what the value of peace is. We discount what we don’t have and hence we are not hesitant to drum up strife. Our friend from France is here and recently France saw a gruesome terror attack and murder.  The targets were popular cartoonists who ridiculed all religious dogmas including the Muslims. It was sad. Killing cartoonists is taking things a little too far. It just shows how sensitive we are to being ridiculed. Hmmm. After this we had the normal people who of course want action to be taken against a community as a counter measure. Sigh.

Today while I was driving from work, I heard a podcast about vaccination. When the CIA tried to ascertain if Osama Bin Laden was actually inside the compound at Abbotabad, in Pakistan, they recruited a doctor whose was told to go in and collect DNA samples in the guise of a vaccination campaign. After the news leaked out, vaccinations sponsored programs especially by foreign countries took a hit. It seems, vaccinations were banned enmasse by the Taliban, more 65 health officials killed and Pakistan saw a reemergence of Polio with more than 200 infections. Uff.

Was the CIA right in doing what it did? At the time I read the news and thought nothing of it. I would have said sure. If its mission is to kill a national fugitive then its it, go for it. but when you think of the collateral damage it has on society, on children who will suffer from it, and the generations that will pay… you want to think again. I am sure the argument is not that simple. People will make choices given their immediate goal. Who knew what the consequences would be. Surely there would be more killed if the man wasn’t taken out. These are complex questions to which we don’t know how much impact our current actions will have on future lives. Things are fast evolving and changing. Perspectives are changing and nothing is really straight and simple. What to do in such circumstances?

I am visualizing a  Hollywood movie where the polio emergence in Pakistan thanks to this action of the CIA creates a new mutated virus that enters USA and that everyone stops Americans from travelling anywhere and large walls are built around the country. Trust the Hollywood writers to think of any thing outlandish.

I am not for once, preaching inaction. A man has got to do what a man has got to do. But sitting in the confines of safety it is easy to preach war. What we know of its effects and after effects. Israel is still fighting over the land it fought over many years. Who started it, who felt wronged and who is to blame.

See this video and tell me:

Sometimes it is just best to live and let bygones be bygones. Kill, Finish, attack, nip in the bud, these are terms we bandy about loosely. We whip up sentiment and forget lessons from history. I have no clue why can’t just let it be. Why is it so difficult to be a pacifist, why do we need to take action, especially on moral grounds? Today’s newspapers talk about a Goa minister trying to set up a rehabilitation centre for gays and lesbians. What on earth is that? It wasn’t too long ago when Alan Turing was the hero of England for helping them decode the Enigma code used by German communications. Later he was arrested for homosexuality and then ‘treated’ for it. Today we again call him a great hero and apologise for our moral uprightness.

Stop this morality. I love the simple thing of the declaration of human rights – Man is born free and shall remain free. He is free to do what he wants as long as he does not harm others. That’s it. How difficult is it for the courts to acknowledge this?

BTW – Jispa got chosen for the scholarship interview on the basis of this essay she wrote – the greatest invention was that of the declaration of Human Rights!

BLAH! But thing I have learnt in all this. to laugh off when someone tries to rile you on your views. To not get pulled into an argument. As I always tell – when you wrestle with a  pig, he loves it and you get dirty.

Alexanderian grace

Jispa is getting her teen attitude and she isn’t so much of a push over these days. She can get mighty pissed with us and especially me. Today morning she forgot to take her school shoes when she left with me for her swim training. So she decided to go to school in her chappels. She had another (non-compliant) pair of shoes in the car. I asked her to wear those but she refused. Black chappels are preferable to shoes that are not completely black. Oh hell. I tried telling her otherwise but she refused and I left it at that. It’s her problem. She has to deal with the school authorities and the head. So I let her be. Then Jasmine got on her case and then both of us just let her be. Her issue. While we were waiting for the bus to come in Jispa said today she also had physical education class. Ok that was the limit. Jispa wear your shoes – jasmine and I put our foot down rather forcefully. Jispa said fine. But then she was pissed as hell. “why do you have to scold me and tell me.” “because you don’t listen otherwise” “but that doesn’t mean you have to scold me at the start itself. First tell me properly and then scold me if I don’t listen”.”sorry but on this you wouldn’t have listened to me and we were telling you about it”. “no but you shouldn’t start with a  scolding” “you start listening. I also don’t like scolding. When you were younger we would only speak sweetly, but now if you don’t get a scolding you don’t listen” “no… I do listen” “ok you promise to listen and I promise not to scold. Right now also I am talking properly” “ no you are not”…. You get the drift. Jispa and I were having a conversation in which she was pretty pissed. No she gives me a push back and she gives Jasmine a push back on a lot of issues as well.

I try to listen to her and talk to her if she pushes back, I try not to clamp her down. Speak. Talk converse. If she screams or talks rubbish when there is conversation then I raise the tempo and clamp down, but then also normal speaking and civilized arguments are allowed.

This time she was pissed as hell. She refused to give in. Then I told her “forget, your school bus is coming, you leave”. She refused to tell me bye. I told her “while going say bye dude. don’t leave like that”, She didn’t listen. In fact she made a point by telling Jasmine bye and ignoring me. She was pissed as hell. I am smiling. It’s ok.

Many years ago when my marriage was being discussed, Jasmine’s parents had to finalize the hall in which the ceremony was to take place. Earlier it was the girl’s side of the marriage that bore all the expenses. Now the progressive gujjus have a discussion. Typically marriage is borne by the girl’s side and the reception is split into half or some ratio. Or some such logic. In my sister’s marriage we had chosen a hall which her in-laws made a slight noise. Not too much but a simple question about it is also viewed very seriously. I know the big agonizing issue that went about inside my house but we pressed on nevertheless and possibly it was a non-issue at their end but it created a huge discussion at our end.

So in my marriage Jasmine’s parents were looking at a hall but that one nearer to where we stay and which was the normal choice in their family as well was under reconstruction. So you needed to look elsewhere. So they zeroed in a hall which was nearer to their house but not an upmarket neighborhood. In fact it was a pretty non-descript place. I was aghast at my parents disapproval. Those days I worked in Gujarat and when I was in Mumbai I had a showdown with them. I found my normally liberal leaning dad suddenly turn conservative. Mom was completely unhappy. I couldn’t believe that they were going against the very values they inculcated in me. How can we object with the choice of hall? They said they will pay the whole expense in any case as it was a smaller function for marriage and simple reception. I had a show down with dad on this. It wasn’t pretty. I was pissed as hell. And we didn’t speak to each other. The next day I was to leave for Gujarat and mom and dad offered to drop me to the station. Sure. I don’t think we spoke in the car as well. As I got off, I paused for a brief moment and I turned around and said bye mom, bye dad. I guess dad was waiting for me to say bye. He said bye as well. It was brief period of making up. I guess if guys simply say hi to each other – it’s reconciliation. I remember his face. He too was a bit pissed but he too let it go. It was both side giving an inch and then an el.

I am forever glad about how I behaved. I am so happy and I remember that moment very clearly. I remember that pause and I remember thinking, I must say bye. It is something I will never forget. As it turned out, that was the last time I saw my dad. I know that in the 23 odd years I would have known him he would not have held the last 23 hours against me but still, last chats are last chats. I would hated going through life knowing I refused to reconcile when I had the time. It didn't take much from me or him to forget. It’s ok to have disagreements but at the end you must part as friends, agreeing to disagree at the worst.

I have always hated parting badly. That’s not on. I always tell people to part properly. It’s not that we can’t behave in a civilized manner. Even if people mean you harm, when they leave you have a chance to sow a seed of love. Like Porus, everyone deserves to be treated in a manner that befits them. It’s for us to be Alexander. So it was history repeating all over again. Jispa was pissed at me and had an argument with me. While she left the car, like my dad I too was in the driver’s seat with mom in the adjoining seat. But this time, I tried to say bye but my pre-teen refused.

Awww. Jispa. It’s ok. I understand your rage. It’s a good thing. You are growing up. Push back is good or parents will forever be hovering around you. Just remember it’s never personal and it’s definitely never for keeps. We both are growing up. You faster than us. But in the end – my advice to you is simple. While leaving always have the grace to part well as you never know when you going to get that chance again. You can have a disagreement but do not let that take away your grace, dignity, ears, sense, responsibility and love. It’s tough but to conquer that is Alexanderian. I was really lucky once.

Read more about the epic battle here. Its quite a nice fascinating read ...  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_the_Hydaspes

closure

Jispa is now ten years old and that makes her a very big girl. Of course she is tall. Pretty tall. She comes to me chest and almost to my chin. That makes her a few inches short of 5 feet. She is also now the tallest girl in her class. But she also amongst the eldest. A year apart is a lot of time if you are in school.

But what is most interesting is that she is really maturing as an adult. She is fast getting understanding skills and emotional skills. She is now ready to give back, answer back, reason back. All in at varying levels. She is ready for a fight now. So if I say something or scold her and she thinks something is out of whack she is ready to point it out. So we better be careful while scolding her. OF course we as parents can always win any argument. We simply use or should I say abuse our position of power and say – shut up … do it because we say so. But that would be the wrong thing to do for us ‘enlightened’ parents. We have to think more. In fact I am trying my level best to control temper, shout a lot less, understand a lot more and generally, get off her life in many ways. I don’t want to control her life now and she is pushing back as well. I also can’t give her crap and get away with it, she thinks, argues back and worse, even if she doesn’t argue, she feels that she has been wronged. As a child I too felt many times that I have been shouted at uselessly and felt completely discriminated against. It felt so helpless. I don’t want Jispa to feel helpless on this front. She may not like my decisions if they are forced on her, but I want the channel of communication always open.

On Saturday at night there was something I shouted at her at. She gave me a retort. I gave it back. But then she was pissed as she thought she was scolded at for no reason. OK. I was still speaking to her after that and she was still talking to me but she was pissed. I always try not to be pissed for long. I always talk properly. I try my best to eat my anger and talk properly after I am angry with her. The way I look at it, fundamentally I don’t have a problem with her. Just we are angry on something, so I always keep my cool and talk to her soon afterwards. Talk about the issue, apologise if required and try and understand / explain issues. So this time also I spoke with her and chatted with her. She also spoke back, but she refused to give me a goodnight hug. Her friends were having a sleepover. I just smiled at her and tried to force a truce. Nothing worked. She walked out of the room, but not disrespectfully. I guess as a father I had to respect the space she wanted I left her alone. It was a fight and she had the right to get and remain angry at me. I wasn’t exactly free of guilt in any case.

I remember the last fight I had with my dad. It was regarding my marriage. The hall that was getting booked by Jasmine’s parents was under construction and they proposed another hall. My parents weren’t happy about it and this is when I wanted to put my foot down. During my sisters marriage also we took a hall that her in laws were not too happy about. We did not like that. And I reminded this to dad. It didn’t go down too well and we had a smallish argument or something. The next day I was leaving for Gujarat to resume work and mom and dad decided to drop me. We weren’t talking to each other still. Just as I got off, I said bye to mom and then… I thought about it and I said bye to dad as well. Bye dad. Bye. That was the conversation. I think as a father son relationship goes – that’s a truce reached. That was also my last interaction with him. I never met him after that. I can’t do anything about it but I was happy that in the end I had enough humility to eat my ego and say bye. That ended up as the last interaction. Who knew then?

So on Saturday as I was getting ready to sleep, suddenly from behind I get a huge hug and I feel Jispa. I smile. I was pretty upset till them. She said “Sorry Dad”. I said “Sorry Jispa, will try not to shout, but you also try not to shout back! It’s easier and quicker”. The I also told her, “forget anything else, its important that you came back and hugged me and brought this to closure. You canget angry. Its ok to get angry but you must always forgive and bring to closure. It’s a nice thing to do”.

I didn’t tell her about my closure with dad. I guess it was too much. It did cross my mind but I spared her the story… for now. Possibly sometime later….

Speak it, pur pyar se (but with love)

The other day in the morning while I was dropping jispa to school, she was a little cross with me. She said that Jasmine and I were making too much fun of her for a particular thing. Yup. But Jispa don’t you make fun of us too. Don’t you make fun of me? When mom does something, we make fun of her and when dad does something mom makes fun of me. Come on man, that’s how a family works. That’s what keeps family in check.
Then I started – “you want what a monarchy is? It’s when a king rules. And now we have democracy (which I had explained to her earlier) what’s the worst thing about a king? He is answerable to no one. He is a king because he was born one or is the most powerful person.” “But can’t his ministers tell him anything?” “No Jispa, his ministers also can’t. Didn’t you read Akbar and Birbal. In spite of Akbar being wrong, Birbal couldn’t directly tell Akbar anything, so he used to think of clever ways to tell Akbar. Because if the king is pissed at you, you are in trouble. He is most insensitive to criticism. That is something we must avoid at all costs. In a democracy, I explained the most important role is that of the opposition. It’s their job to criticize” I explained. “err – what is opposition” Jispa asked. “Well… You know the Prime minister is from the Congress party.” “Yes” she said. “That is the ruling party. The other party is the opposition, and India right now that’s the BJP.” “Is it the one with the clock symbol” she asked. “no, that’s is another party. This is the NCP. The BJP is the lotus and the orange flags”. “ah yes” she said. “You see, the ruling party is always scared that whatever they do, they will be criticized. They will have to always do good stuff. If they think of something stupid then the opposition will slam them. That’s what keeps them in check”. “oohhh”. I think the penny dropped.
Just at the time we hit school and she was to be dropped off. She gets out saying “you know dad, it sounds if you are giving a lecture. What you are saying is interesting, but the way and the tone is very boring. Like you are giving a lecture”. Rascal, %%$$##@&. Luckily she was out of the car and half way to the school gate before I could react. BLAT! I came home and told Jasmine about this. Her eyes opened wide and I said “ya. That’s exactly what I was saying. The freedom to criticize authority. She just used it. I have no option but to accept”
Freedom to criticize is such a fundamental concept. I don’t think we seem to get it. We think of every criticism as an assault on our fundamental right to feel right about everything we do. We are correct and in positions of power we are God. No one in power likes to listen to criticism. Be it a parent or a boss. Why do we behave thus? Even a child’s first instinct is to reject it or take it personally. Is it a deep down genetic instinct or is it largely due to the criticism giver that we react thus. For years we have thought that those who love us don’t criticize us. So if you criticize someone do you not love them? Can you not improve, is change that hard?
I have tried and tried really hard to accept it. I have changed my first reaction from ‘screw you’ to possibly you are right. I keep telling myself that one must improve, constantly improve and to improve one must listen, come from a stand point that the other person might have something to say, or a point you might have missed. It is the most difficult thing to do. You must start by at least by understanding the counter point.
So at home, I have always encouraged Jispa to speak her mind. Speak it out loud and clear. Now as she is learning to speak I am trying to teach her to be constructive about it. While its important to be clear, its also important not to be direct and blunt about it. Be polite, sweet and bear the flaw while trying to communicate what you want to change about it. One thing this will do for sure is severely undermine authority as we traditionally understood it at home.
I was telling Jasmine to be very careful now with Jispa. We have taught her to think and to talk. She will give it back sooner or later. If Jasmine and I are not careful, we will get it back and hard. My mom had told me not to teach my daughter to argue. Don’t talk with her like this. You will regret it. Yes. I will get hurt by it, but I will surely hope not to regret it. If she is to stand in this world on her own, she will learn to give it back. What I must now surely focus on is to allow her to give it back politely and without malice. When Jispa and jasmine fight, I keep telling Jispa, ssshh… quiet. Don’t push mom thus. You might be right but understand the context and fight right. You don’t play direct and blunt. You play it slow and easy.
With me her fights are different. I listen. She gets jammed for over emphasizing a point or pushing it too far. I keep telling her – I am listening, aren’t I? Then relax and tell me the issues. It forces he rot think rather than attack. I agree to a few points. Promise to solve a few and if outside my control, I tell her I am powerless.
Hope fully she will learn to say it, hopefully as a family we will learn to accept and change a lot of things. Hopefully we won’t bite each other’s heads off. Hopefully we change for the better. One doesn’t know about change, but one is certain – absence of criticism will lead to disaster.
I came across this lovely podcast that seriously questions Apple’s Chinese vendors and their commitment to basic worker conditions. What a brilliant podcast. The criticism starts in the first part in the form a monologue given by an artist who does these shows. He uses entertainment and humor to make a brilliant point, and then he involves us in his story and makes some very direct points. He uses emotions, leads us on… just lovely, the way he says it.
The podcast then in the second part, attempts to verify his claims, allows for points and counter points, gets expert opinion and leaves you the listener to judge and take your call. In fact it ends with a difficult to refute point on sweat shops and how the west might be completely wrong in their interpretation. It leaves you to judge and take your call. It does not take a moral stand point, which too many people seem to take these days.
To my mind this is podcasting at its best – entertaining, engaging, relevant, informative and balanced.
This is how criticism must be given. Opposite view points are critical. I have maintained that there is no absolute truth. There is only your version of it. Everything can be questioned. There are always multiple sides to what we see and what we feel. Even criticism must take this into account. While you criticize, remember you too are looking at the opposite angle. Balance it. Try and see how both coexist. Your version and the other version. And only if in your mind – if these opposites reconcile, will you find …..

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The podcast -
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/454/mr-daisey-and-the-apple-factory
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/454/transcript
Mike Daisey performs an excerpt that was adapted for radio from his one-man show "The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs." A lifelong Apple superfan, Daisey sees some photos online from the inside of a factory that makes iPhones, starts to wonder about the people working there, and flies to China to meet them. His show restarts a run at New York's Public Theater later this month. (39 minutes)
What should we make of what Mike Daisey saw in China? Our staff did weeks of fact checking to corroborate Daisey's findings. Ira talks with Ian Spaulding, founder and managing director of INFACT Global Partners, which goes into Chinese factories and helps them meet social responsibility standards set by Western companies (Apple's Supplier Responsibility page is here), and with Nicholas Kristof, columnist for The New York Times who has reported in Asian factories. In the podcast and streaming versions of the program he also speaks with Debby Chan Sze Wan, a project manager at the advocacy group SACOM, Students and Scholars Against Corporate Misbehavior, based in Hong Kong. They've put out three reports investigating conditions at Foxconn (October 2010, May 2011, Sept 2011). Each report surveyed over 100 Foxconn workers, and they even had a researcher go undercover and take a job at the Shenzhen plant. (15 minutes)

what a fun day!

I hate these song and dance shows. They are such a pain to sit through. Whether it’s live or on TV. Same predictable routine and honestly bad scripts. I would much rather go for a play, preferably a light hearted play. Very few are able to deliver a really strong play with a serious message. So the worst form of torture is to go for a play where in you are there purely for reasons of friendship. I am acting in a play, can you please come. Oh man!
In the first few years Jispa’s school annual function were very interesting with me being mesmerised with the scale and the production. It was nowhere what I saw in my school. As the glitz wore off, I started getting bored thanks to the absence of a strong story or plot or anything except songs and dance. You wait eagerly till your own kid comes in and shows her face in a crowd for a 30 second insignificant role and then out. Then it’s back to boredom. I dunno how to wiggle out of this complete utter torture.
Then the next on my list of anathemas is religious propaganda and anything that comes close to sermon. It is dam painful. I am sure some of them are pretty smart people and I am sure one can learn from anything, but sitting through it is a bloody pain. So in spite of quite a few offers I have chosen to stay away from these. These offers are definitely well meaning but I think they are best avoided. Possibly my arrogance will not permit me to attend these sessions.
So I hate shows and I hate religious preaching.
Last Sunday I found myself stuck with the frying pot and the fire. Together. I was attending a song and dance show about Jainism. Aarghhh. How do I get myself stuck in these situations, I also don’t know. One of friends had produced and starred in this with her daughter. Great. They requested us all to come in. great. I said no and no one really expected me to say yes. Great. So till Saturday there wasn’t a ticket for me as well. I had happily wiggled out of this and was planning to spend the morning relaxed in my house reading a good book. The book I was reading “switch” was also quite interesting. Till one of jasmine’s friends backed out leaving jasmine with an extra ticket. NO NO. Are you comng? NO. You sure? YA! Come nah! Awww, no. please. Ok don’t come if you don’t want to. Shit… ok… I am coming. No it’s ok. I am coming. IT all right, don’t come if it’s too bad. I AM COMING!
So I land up at this hall where there is concert going on extolling the events that lead up to the birth of Bhagwan Shri Mahavir. Using song dance, drama and stage, props and stuff. What I realised that there is an interesting mix of Hinduism in the way we seem to be practising Jainism today. What I understand of Jainism is that the Gods aren’t the Gods of Hinduism. The 24 thirthankaras aren’t Gods in that sense. They are enlightened beings. We go to temples not to pray to them and ask for deliverance. We go to the temple (supposed to at least) to look at them and be inspired to let go / or modify behaviour. I once heard the dalai lama and he said, jokingly, that Jainism and Buddhism are forms of atheism. What I understand is that there are no gods in Jainism and there seems to be no point in praying to them and celebrating them as Hinduism does. I read somewhere that when Hinduism was threatened by Buddhism, they conveniently included Buddha as one of the dus avataars. In many murals I have seen Balram as one of the Avataars, who seems to have been unceremoniously dumped for reasons of politics in today’s top ten compilations. During some bits of the play I heard references to the Brahaminical order, with Kshatriyas and Brahamins making their appearances. Now that I look at it, a lot of Jainism rites that I look at today and the way I thought Jainism was and the way I see people practice it, it is actually a form of hindusim. We pray to these Gods, we celebrate them, we give them exalted powers and status. Al the pomp and glory of Hinduism is there. I find it funny when the God in question is who he is because, he gave up all this pomp and splendour, he extolled the virtues of less, of sacrifice, of giving up, of simplicity and virtue.
Hindusim has survived by adapting and managing smartly. By integrating everything into its fold. As a kid I always thought that Jainism is a form of Hinduism. I thought of us as Hindus. How could we be? It is as much a part of Hinduism as Islam is. At least to my mind. Hindusim managed to integrate tribal religion (Shiva), Jainism, Bhuddism and everything else at reached our shores except Islam and Christanity amongst the major religions. It also changed in the bargain from vedic worship to idol worship.
I am sure that there are many flaws in my argument that the critic can argue with. But the fundamental point was that, that day, Jainism was not being worshipped in its original form. But hey, I don’t care. Religions must change with the people. It is finally a product of people’s imagination. It is of the people, by the people and for the people. If it does not change and is held together by dogmas, it will cease to exist. It must bring a lot within its fold. The fun is when the right winged zealot thinks that it hasn’t, talks about coming to core and wants to oppose change, not knowing he is a product of change and adaptability. That’s when the fun starts.
It’s pretty foolish to air your views like these in public. They do not want to listen. They do not want to consider a possibility that the opposite exists. They think that what they know is the absolute truth. What little we understand of religion. What little we argue about it. How completely banal are our conversations about it.

the truth will set you free

This is an eternal fight. Mommy versus Jispa and I am stuck in between. It’s a part of parenting that they don’t tell you about, or it’s a part of ‘husbanding’ they don’t tell you about. There is an obvious need to keep a united face in front of your child. That’s what the text book on parenting says. So that you don’t show confusing signals and make the kid play one parent against the other.
But that goes against the principle of duality of opinion. I have always believed that the opinion may not necessarily be clear. Jasmine and I can have a difference of opinion. Views may be extremely polarised and the truth is not known. In fact there can be no truth but only opinion. I have written about the time spent while having a bath. I believe there is no such thing as time spent. It is time invested, and Jasmine can finish her bath in the time it takes me to merely get wet. Jispa is a dreamer. She too can have an infinite bath time.
Let’s take another example. Poor Jasmine is trying to get Jispa to remember her stuff to do. Like put the snack box and water bottle in her bag. Now that’s a real tiring thing to do. I was much like that with my mom completely at odds to get me to do stuff. It was not intention that was the issue, there would be genuine intention. Sometimes the malaise was procrastination and sometimes the problem was simply dreams. Lost in thought. I can still go to the place where I am supposed to pick the item and completely forget what I am supposed to do. It would just pop out and I would end up doing pretty much something else. Over the years life in the professional world will not let you remain forgetful as such. I got my arse whipped, smartened up and started keeping a mental checklist and even writing down things to do during the day. But that took me 30 years. So when Jasmine and Jispa are having a run in, I am completely clueless. I want to be sweeter and take on the responsibility myself. I prefer reminding Jispa again and again and even putting the dam thing in.
So this creates chaos in the morning. Jasmine has had many calls right in the past and I don’t really doubt her instinct but the problem is that unlike her, I remember my childhood vividly and distinctly. A lot of things had left a deep and lasting impact on me. I clearly remember getting scolded for forgetting stuff. I have forgotten to do things; I have left stuff around at school and other such silly stuff. But I always used to think, why my parents scolded me for it. It’s not that I was intentionally careless. I also remember thinking that I was only a kid and that I should be given some leeway. Also not that being scolded helped me remember anything more. So that’s been on my mind a lot. I can keep telling Jispa that remember, do things right away, do not procrastinate, but I can’t really scold her too much. A sharp scold and immediately out.
I also sympathise with Jispa when she gets jammed for sharpening her pencils too much. I too remember sharpening pencils like crazy and my mom losing it saying that “I gave you new pencils just today”. By the time I got home they were a pale shadow of their original size.
This topic can go on with no real solution in sight. Jasmine can find 20 more faults in my thinking. Like the other day when she and Jispa were havinga fight over the pony tail, Jispa came ot me and out of serious frustration I just suggested that she just right now listen to mom and that she could always do whatever she wanted outside the home, when mom is not looking. Jasmine was mighty pissed. What on earth was I teaching her. Hmmm.. ya that was silly I guess. So when I got a book Delhi Calm (on the emergency), to read and on the first page the following lines had deeper meaning. “There no distinctions between what is real and unreal, nor between what is true and what is false. A thing is not necessarily either true or false; it can be both true and false.”- Harold pinter - art truth and politics.
What is true in politics is true in parenting. Sab saala maya hai. The challenge is in admitting it and more importantly handling it without conflict. So while I understand the need to put up a united front in front of the child, my bigger motive is that she knows and understands this conflict. I think every day that she must understand that there is no one view to the equation. There could be multiple points of view and that we are only taking the point of view that we believe is the best one at the point of time. Both mommy and daddy need not always agree on everything. Debate and then resolution is healthy and allowed. The last thing I want her to think is that daddy or mommy knows everything. WE DONT. We don’t even pretend to. We are only attempting the best, to the best of our ability, keeping her best interest in mind. Nothing more and nothing less.
The faster she realises this, the better an individual she will be. I love for her to see the other side of the equation at all points of time. Today morning I was googling images of Nehru for her. She needed on with kids, one with Gandhi and one alone. I came across one of him smoking. I asked her if she wanted it. She was quite surprised to know that he smokes. But I guess the ‘kida’ in her liked the thought and then she wanted that pic as well. So I promptly printed it and sent it along with the rest of the pics. It’s not necessary for her to learn that Nehru was a guy with no fallibility. Learn the truth that you can best digest! The truth will set you free. Now who said that?

shaped by attitude? nopes... shaped by knowledge

It’s impossible to deal with arrogance especially if it is coupled with ignorance. I hate getting into arguments. I would live not to. Over a period of time I have learnt that arguments are largely useless and there is no one side to reality or knowledge. There is always another side. Also if you listen to people about their experiences and knowledge you would always tend to gain from them. The problem starts when an opinion hits the conversation. This opinion is strong and driven by attitude as opposed to knowledge. The stronger the opinion the greater chance that it is driven by attitude and not knowledge. Knowledge driven opinion tends to be circumspect in its view, while attitude driven opinions will be accompanied by a large amount of table thumping and rhetoric.
I have seen truly intelligent men be very quiet and understated. They realise the duality of thought process. They are ready to listen to people, the other side of view and realise that every opinion can be countered. Many times there is much to learn from your opponent if only you don’t see them as such. Also the really smart ones are the one that choose not to comment on almost all things. They reserve their judgement on issues they knew little about, they are secure in their knowledge and ready to admit their ignorance.
I sometimes fail to see why so many people have such strong opinions with so little knowledge. I guess five years ago my knowledge was limited as well but my opinion was vast and vehement. Over the last five years the reverse has happened. I think our education might have something to do with it. In school ion a debate you have to take a string opposing stance on anything. You can’t take an opposing stand that says that the first team is not taking a moderate stance. Your stance has to be at the exact opposite. You can’t take centre line.
A centre balanced line that is unable to see black or white is what I have typically seen as the truth. People jump to criticize issues or stands but are unable to see the reason why it has come to fore. People like me who say, relax, see the reason why the act has been done without judging it are complete bores at beast and completely impractical or preachy at worst. We have been taught to take a stand, be the judge and take decisions as if all actions are being played before a court of law that is expected to pass verdict. No dude. Don’t pass verdict. It’s ok. The action happened. That’s all. The moment we pass a verdict too soon we don’t realise the silly errors we are making and are blindsided by the information we don’t have.
Take the recent example of a hotshot tennis star marrying a Pakistani cricket captain. It was alleged that the cricketer was already married to a lady in Hyderabad. One friend of mine explained that bullshit he married her. Look at her she is so fat and ugly. Haha. You have taken your decision not on the facts of the case. You have taken your decision purely on one instance. The lady in question is fat. I asked this lady friend of mine –if it was a hot chick who starred in b grade movies and has a slutty reputation then you would have not believed her at all, if it was a slim pretty girl from a simple family, you would have and you are suspicious of a fat girl. The facts of the case remain the same, yet you believe a case basis some really random peg.
It is so silly. She could have been really slim and then put on weight. Which media report you read said that she was fat from the start. Why is that he could have not fallen for a fat girl and then realised that he could do much better. You have no information but you have an opinion based on your attitude.
Another issue is the feminists that believe that they have it tough and the men have it easy. How can you so say? I truly genuinely believe that women have it tough. The ones who work manage home and office. They do very well. But that does mean I have addressed the issue of tough‘er’. I find the whole argument so brittle. Sure its bad but both sides face issues all the time.
It’s like someone once asked me if I dominate the relationship with me and my wife. Stupid ass question. Just because I seem more outgoing and vocal of the two. I left it to my wife to answer, who at first chuckled. I don’t think anyone can completely dominate anyone in a healthy relationship. It is so difficult so say that. Yesterday someone asked while talking about egos, that don’t men have stronger egos than women. Hah! Ego is not about men or women it’s about power and the situation you use it in. Everyone is equally prone and susceptible to ego, not men more than women. I could only think of one example to counter it. The mother in law and daughter in law fights. They are largely driven by ego and they are prevalent almost everywhere. Does that mean that women tend to have more egos? We take the biggest example in front of us and generalise the rule. So unfair, so driven by attitude as opposed to knowledge.
The criticism of my stand is that is that I have no stand and I will not be able to take a side. Uhhh. Ok. So? It doesn’t stop my decision making. I take my decision basis what I know best at the time simple. At least I am aware and actively receptive to the counter. It will help in changing stand as well. At the time of decision my stand is clear. Till then I don’t need to have a stand. Especially on so many issues that have little bearing on my life. Having mental paradigms stops us from seeing the whole picture and we are unable to see the game unfold. In the current cricket saga, I am not holding anyone guilty, hence I think I am better placed to see the game unfold and the moves being made. This is making the show much more entertaining or enriching. Sit behind, grab a mocha gande and sip it slowly. The world passing by is pretty interesting only if we care to see it unfold.
It is not easy and by all means its not that I can maintain this stand of equanimity at all times. But I try and I keep my senses open. I actively seek fault in my argument and thinking. This helps me learn and improve. Its helps me conquer ego and arrogance. It’s a slow burn. It will take time. Those who know me from before will not believe this blog of mine. I was a twerp, an arrogant one at that. Working with my God Dharen Chadha for about a year has changed me in many ways. His unrivalled knowledge with his willingness to learn more and listen to noises around him while withholding opinion on things outside his knowledge has changed me as a person. My wife many times asks why I don’t call him and keep in touch with him. I don’t know. You keep in touch with God by talking to him. He need not talk back to you. His picture is always burned in my memory. I just can’t get myself to talk to him. I feel so low and insignificant. How can I talk to him? I just can’t.
Thanks to him I started reading, started listening started to understand the value of being moderate. I am not a patch on him, but I am trying as best as I can. So far it has changed me in many ways possible. I hope it is for the better. I sure hope it lasts.