just some stuff

Whats up Jispa? Really hope you are enjoying the blog so far.

I had written the birthday blog beforehand but had not posted it as the closing lines were still to be written. Then came the massive monsoon deluge and floods and we were stuck in office till about 2 am. The next day I did not have the laptop at home and hence got a peon to get it from office in the afternoon. After that the corporate nonsense happened. The laptop cannot connect to the internet from a home wifi and hence I had no internet and I couldn’t post the blog written.

Corporates are so stupid and ill thought of, I wonder how it even manages to run any way close to how it’s running. It’s like the government of India. I wonder how it ever runs. You are not incentivized to run anything and you probably do better when you do nothing. But it runs because some good guys in the system want to do well and want to change the life of others around them. They are good ones who make the system run and make you have faith in it. Corporates are no different. As they get larger and larger, they get weirder and weirder. The incentive is to let the status quo remain. If you take risk you don’t get commensurate rewards. Some guys decided that laptops must have high security. Sure a lot of laptops have a lot of confidential data but then there are better ways to manage them and through the data now possible in a cloud, it’s possible to control via access points. But then Cloud computing is a concept in corporates. ‘so you are telling me that my data will not be in a physical server in my premise’… ‘no’…’then where will it be’. And how can we allow that? Where are the norms, where are the safe gaurds, NO it’s not allowed… OH GOD! All the world’s best and craziest startups that you bloody idiots want to emulate have their stuff up in cloud servers. But here all the jokers will object to anything that they don’t understand and that disturbs their daily routine.

More funny stuff in corporate life – you can have a photo on your I-card with a tshirt. It has to be with a collared shirt. Why? No one knows. Somebody wrote the manual in that and decided that this little thing is important for the brand of the company. Sure. Even for a non-client facing role. So my old photo with a t shirt was rejected. I refused to give another one and then HR came to me and requested me. Fine.

No one knows why half the rules are even made anywhere. They just are there and you have to live with them. One of the things we have is access control. To go to the loo you have to use the i-card. Yup it’s behind somewhere which needs you to use the access control doors to get through. Corporates are in the mortal fear that they will be infiltrated by espionage agencies. It’s pretty stupid. Most of the data secrets are very simple to get by. You just schedule an interview with candidates who are working with your competitor. Everyone sings in an interview.

So there - I had to take the laptop back to the office to get the office wifi (BTW office wifi is also given on designation level, seriously!) and then got to post the blog. Eesh.

All organizations are weird. Startups have their own issues, which I saw upfront. The politics goes even crazier because there are no safe guards. Anybody can be fired at the bosses whim and fancy, so they have a higher sense of insecurity. But things like wifi are dealt with differently. There are no LAN wires itself at a startup and no one gets a desktop. Everyone is roaming around with laptops and wifi trying to work wherever they can / want. Of course resultant chaos rules but at least the boxed in effect a large organization does come through.

I have often thought, what would my organization, look like? If I ever build one ground up, I will try and ensure that the business plan is built on having as less employees as possible with as much tech as possible. Less is more. Less people will hopefully mean a crowd that is controllable and that is less political. That is critical. Existing organizations can’t change much. They have their own inherent walls built in which take too much resistance to dissolve. People will get scared when they see change. Any change. Only the down and out welcome change as they have nothing to lose or the supremely confident and secure. Rest all get scared of whats in store.

Bottom line – change is a bum. Change agents are bigger bums. Corporate environments are real crazy. Managing people is a full time job. And people put extraordinary effort in making life difficult and regimented for everyone. This is called having a job.

Which begs the question that how does it all still work? I guess, firms work as they are able to spot an opportunity and then exploit it well enough. They become very good at doing that one thing. That’s why they grow but when faced with challenges on a scale not anticipated they crumble and fall. That explains why so many companies also die. Many years ago, I read about “the living company” – which was an article in the Harvard Business Review. He spoke about the life of companies being measured in thousands of years. That is the potential life of a company. Now the decisions you can take or must take are very different. When I was interviewing, one very interesting senior person I met at a company that was interested in me told me, when you are trying to build a company for a 100 years then you automatically don’t take short term calls. I don’t know how much the firm must be acting upon it but the person seemed genuine and more importantly the idea seemed interesting. It was in stark contrast to the new startups that are looking to build scale and quickly sell the firm – in other words – flip it.

I am not too fussed about building a firm as much as I am fussed about a legacy. This can be in the form of practices and procedures, or building people. People typically have a better chance of a lasting legacy as opposed to procedures or practices which can be quickly dismantled as I have seen multiple times in the past. It used to hurt to see the stuff that I had built to be broken by my successors, and clinically so. Now I don’t care. Its fun to see it destroyed thus by idiots who have no clue on what they are doing.

As I grow older my view on life is exceedingly simple – courage to change where I must and the patience to accept where I can’t. And in the end – just give me the money. With that I will manage what I really want in life.

So ya, that’s a simple story about your blog on your birthday. That’s why I gave it to you in the evening. Also you can access it on your phone, if you haven’t figured it out yet, dumbo!

Yesterday when I asked her ‘hey, I am coming home late, are you staying awake or should I just whatsapp the gift to you.’ She was like ‘that’s a damn cheap thing to do. Who gives a gift on whatsapp to anyone? How cheap”. What to do, the gift is like that only. So I went home and typed the url on her laptop screen and she remarked “that’s it? So simple”. Yes… that’s it.

Its been an interesting journey so far and I feel privileged to have documented it. Now that I am again in a big massive corporate I guess, I will have some more privacy and some more time to write and hopefully I would be more regular.

The last two years had been quite chaotic. I worked hard and I put in lots of efforts and sacrificed a lot. In the end, like this blog, you end up remembering all the good stuff. Jasmine said “good Jispa. Read this blog and now you will come to know how much you have tortured us, all these years”. Hahaha. 

making money - out of nothing at all

Seigniorage – Simply explained, this is the profit that the government makes from printing money. Your ten rupee note doesn’t cost the government ten bucks. It costs much less. Hence for a fraction of the cost the government can pump money in the economy. Of course things are not so simple. Here is one nice podcast by planet money on the topic. http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2012/04/19/150976150/should-we-kill-the-dollar-bill . Transcript at the bottom of this post. You should be able to broadly understand seigniorage while listening to the benefits of the coins versus notes in circulation. One of the most interesting stuff is the argument that the government makes a lot of money by having coins as opposed to notes is because people don’t put coins back into circulation because they don’t like them in their wallet. And to add the fact that coins tend to get lost between the cushion on the sofa! That’s all profit for the government. But obviously there is a cost to such seigniorage, which they correctly identified. Moneys made through inefficiencies are what you count as profits. It is stupid. It is not your primary job. The primary job for money is to pass around, not sit in the vault like McScrooge. Do you guys remember this cartoon of Donald Duck’s uncle jumping and swimming in his vault with tons of cash stashed around?

Cash in your wallet and in your jars and under your sofas are profit from the government but are absolutely useless for the economy. The money has to be in circulation and put to productive use. If you save it, put it in the bank, so that a portion of it can be lent out. Accounting for accruing money from lost coins is the same as black money you can store in your vaults. It’s the same problem. It’s not simply the tax that is saved. Legitimizing the flow of money has a much larger positive effect of the economy than simply the tax being collected.

Similarly, even corporations try and earn money through inefficiencies. The finance industry’s famous one is called ‘float’. Simply – if I owe you money and I write a cheque to you and give it to you one day late, I will earn interest income for one day. Not that you mind it too much. You don’t care about the one day interest on your small amount, but added up in a large amount of payments and you have a very large float for the organization. So if you ever wondered why they love you to pay online, instantly but they always like to pay you by cheque, you have an answer.

Even in mutual funds and other such organizations, you will have tons of money that is lying with the organization which is pretty much forgotten. Some body once told me that UTI would have hundreds of crores of money that would always be invested with them because of people who simply forgot or have dies and their heirs are unaware of the investment. I am not sure, but it’s likely that even insurance firms would accrue such seigniorage. The fun of policies sold and lapsed due to non-payment created a happy boom for them till the new rules set by IRDA disallowing the firms to benefit thus.

I think we get too clever for our own good. We forget our core job, which may be to provide a service in the best possible way for the customer. It should be a firm’s fiduciary responsibility to ensure efficiency in the system. One normally blames the regulators but the Indian regulators brought in some semblance of order to the insurance industry causing abnormal inefficient profits to be wiped off, also the regulators forced the banks to pay daily interest. Otherwise they were paying only on the lowest balance of the month with some other complex calculation. Ditto for getting rid of prepayment of home loan charges.

Even in the other firms I have worked for, not just financial firms, I see this problem. The finance guys get over smart and start controlling the system. They make an excel sheet to prove how paying payment a little late and getting payments a little earlier can cause great amount of ‘savings’ and profits to the firm. Money is an interesting topic. The structuring of money and the economic, monetary, banking systems are lopsided towards making tons of money through inefficiencies. The ones in the know can hugely benefit from those not in the know. In India this is popularly known as the Gujju mindset and this particular breed seems to understand this better than others. Gujjus and Marwaris are typecast thus. Or if you prefer the Brahaminical order, you would call it the ‘banya’ mindset. Use your trader mindset to make money. You definitely need a trader mindset while doing business and understanding cash flow is critical but using it to overrule simple customer centric thinking is pure stupidity.

But forget all that. When we went to Matheran a few weeks ago I did something that made the government a teeny bit richer. I remember as a kid once we had a trek organized to Matheran. We went up the hill station from the back road and came down the main road which at a few points crosses the Famous Matheran Light railway. At the time, my friend had pulled out a few coins and put it on the rails to see how they become when the trains run over it. This time around I had the chance to do it and show Jispa. We saw a train coming and I quickly put in a one rupee coin and a five rupee coin on the tracks. Jispa was wondering what I was doing. Sure enough the engine passed over it and flattened the coins. Jispa was pretty excited and we could send it with her the next week to school for a show and tell. That was a pretty unique show and tell and it benefited the government by around five bucks (I am assuming it cost one buck to make the two coins). Here are the two profitable pieces of metal for the government.

The Transcript of the podcast as follows.

April 19, 2012 -:

Subway riders here in Washington were recently the target audience for an unusual ad campaign. The ads show giant one dollar bills and asked, do you heart the dollar? They're part of a small lobbying war over the fate of the dollar bill. There's legislation in the House and Senate that would eliminate all $1 bills and replace them with dollar coins.

NPR's investigative unit and our Planet Money team checked into the debate over coins versus bills. And David Kestenbaum and Robert Benincasa think they have a winner.

DAVID KESTENBAUM, BYLINE: Here's the question. Given that we need to have some form of money out there worth a dollar, which is more cost effective, a bill or a coin?

ROBERT BENINCASA, BYLINE: Before we tell you who the winner is, let's hear each side's case.

KESTENBAUM: In one corner, arguing on behalf of the dollar coin, Senator Tom Harkin, Democrat from Iowa. He told us coins are a clear win. They last much longer than bills.

SENATOR TOM HARKIN: The most important thing is it's just more efficient. It's way more efficient than a paper dollar.

BENINCASA: Dollar coins last something like 30 years and he says switching to coins would save hundreds of millions of dollars a year.

KESTENBAUM: Coins are also, he says, easier to stick into vending machines. Harkin's office put out a video of him struggling to buy a snack with a worn out $1 bill.

(SOUNDBITE OF AD)

HARKIN: Has this ever happened to you? You try o put a dollar bill in the tray, but it won't take it. Well, that's why I've introduced bipartisan legislation to replace the dollar bill with a dollar coin.

KESTENBAUM: Harkin can rattle off a long list of countries that have replaced bills with coins.

HARKIN: Canada has a coin that's worth $2. England has a coin worth about $3 U.S. Switzerland has one worth about $5 U.S. And yet, what have we got? We got a 25-cent piece.

KESTENBAUM: Republican Senator John McCain has also signed onto the bill. And it's worth noting that businesses in both senators' states would benefit if this bill passes.

BENINCASA: Harkins' state, Iowa, is home to a company called PMX, which makes the metal sheets that get turned into coins.

KESTENBAUM: Senator John McCain's state of Arizona is home to some big companies that mine copper, the main ingredient in dollar coins.

BENINCASA: So, that's the coin side of the fight. In the other corner, fighting for paper, you'll find an organization called Americans for George.

KESTENBAUM: Because George Washington is on the $1 bill. Americans for George put those ads in the D.C. subway and again, here you find a lot of money behind the arguments over money. Americans for George was started by the company that makes the paper the $1 bill is printed on. Crane & Company.

BENINCASA: Doug Crane is a vice president there. As you might imagine, he says paper dollars are better than coins.

DOUGLAS CRANE: A dollar bill is made from a blend of cotton and linen fiber.

KESTENBAUM: Paper bills are cheaper to manufacture than coins, he says, and they last surprisingly long. According to the U.S. Federal Reserve, a $1 bill lasts about four and a half years.

CRANE: U.S. currency, you know, it's some of the most durable banknotes on the planet. And, you know, the $1 bill is probably the hardest-working note there is.

KESTENBAUM: So, what to make of this. The coin people say coins are better. The paper people say paper is better. Both cannot be true.

BENINCASA: And to make things more confusing, both sides point to the same official report to make their case.

KESTENBAUM: The report was written by the Government Accountability Office, a non-partisan arm of Congress that's often called on to settle questions like this.

BENINCASA: We talked with the GAO's Lorelei St. James who oversaw the report. The GAO has recommended switching to coins.

LORELEI ST. JAMES: That still stands.

KESTENBAUM: She says switching to coins would make the government money. Over 30 years, a lot of money.

JAMES: We show that there would be a $4.4 billion net benefit to the federal government.

KESTENBAUM: But it turns out that $4.4 billion does not come from the fact that coins are more cost effective to make. Coins do last longer, but they also cost more to manufacture. No, according to the GAO, the extra money for the government comes from this other weird thing. It's going to take us a minute to explain.

BENINCASA: It turns out if you switch from dollar bills to dollar coins, you can't just do a one for one replacement. You actually need more coins than you would bills. Why? Because people don't like carrying coins around.

JAMES: A lot of people when they take their coins out of their pockets at the end of the day or their purses, they'll put in what we call a coin jar.

KESTENBAUM: The coin jar effect. In Canada and the U.K., the governments had to put out all these extra coins, over 50 percent more, just to keep enough money circulating. The GAO says these extra coins mean extra money for the government.

BENINCASA: Because the government makes a profit from every bill or coin out there, so more coins, more profit. It's called seigniorage.

KESTENBAUM: So case closed, right? Not so fast. We're here to tell you there is something big missing from that GAO report, which is where all that money the government is getting comes from. It turns out it comes from us.

BENINCASA: To help explain how this works, and to render the final judgment, let's meet one more person, Robert Whaples. He's an economist at Wake Forest University.

KESTENBAUM: Whaples weirdly came to us via the dollar coin lobby, a group called the Dollar Coin Alliance. The Dollar Coin Alliance said make sure you talk to him; he's a pro-coin guy.

BENINCASA: So, we called Whaples up. He read the GAO report, thought about it, and he said the choice is very clear: The paper dollar wins, the coin loses.

ROBERT WHAPLES: It's clearly an inferior substitute. People are going to be putting them on top of their bureaus instead of spending them for transactions. And that seems like a big waste of resources to me.

BENINCASA: Whaples says all that money the government makes on the dollar coin, all that extra money, it doesn't come from nowhere. It comes from us.

KESTENBAUM: Think about it this way, if I have a paper dollar, I'll probably use it or put in the bank. But if stick a coin in a jar, I'm not getting anything from it. I'm not earning any interest on it. It's like we're paying a tax.

WHAPLES: That is exactly how I would see it.

KESTENBAUM: Well, but the Dollar Coin Alliance said I should talk to you because you favor the...

WHAPLES: Yeah, I guess they made a mistake.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

KESTENBAUM: There you have it.

I'm David Kestenbaum.

BENINCASA: And I'm Robert Benincasa, NPR News.

Copyright © 2012 National Public Radio®. All rights reserved. No quotes from the materials contained herein may be used in any media without attribution to National Public Radio. This transcript is provided for personal, noncommercial use only, pursuant to our Terms of Use. Any other use requires NPR's prior permission. Visit our permissions page for further information.

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can you ask me that answer again?

I was explaining to the poor customer care lady from my car service station (Jay Bharat Hyundai) that I cannot remember how the service was done. My Hyundai i-ten was serviced in Jan. that information was also provided by her. I can’t remember when it was done. I don’t even remember what I had for lunch yesterday. She still insisted that at least I know if what I said or had complaints about were addressed. Lady, how can I know that? We are right now in May. At best I might remember if you had botched up the service. Which I don’t think you did. My car is running fine right now.
After a few minutes of me stonewalling and refusing to say something I don’t remember at all she agreed and moved onto the next question in her interview. Could I please rate the service on a score from 0 to 5. Oh shit man. Lady. I just told you I don’t remember anything. Do you remember what you did in Jan. Do you remember what you did last week? What were you doing yesterday? You don’t right? How can I score you guys if I don’t remember what experience I had? It’s been four months.
Sir, but at least some score. NO. I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED. Surely you did not screw up big tie and hence I have no bad memories but I have none. What part of that did you not understand?
That’s proactive customer service for you. We care so we call you. Even four months from then and ask you what had happened then. Hopefully you don’t remember shit and you score us good. Since you guys are obviously so polite not to give us bad marks on things you don’t recollect. Hence I have a great customer satisfaction score and I am doing a good job.
I told my wife about the conversation and she was wondering why the call was made. She had already got the call a few days after the service was done. That’s a good thing. A decent follow-up call, just after. After four months your call can be at best a call that checks to see if your car is working all well. Not to score what happened four months ago. Especially on something as unearthshaking as routine car service. Why? Don’t you realise we get shit from tele marketers all the time.
While right now its pretty cool to have follow up service, my prediction is that this too will become a nuisance factor soon enough. The companies that will do well will be the companies that do not need follow up calls as their processes and procedures themselves are tight enough to provide the best service and their redressal mechanism would be swift and powerfull while being accessible.
But that seems to be pipe dream. In India we are busy chasing growth and are tapping into the vast India as it gets richer and richer. Who cares for the leaky bucket if the tap on top continues to pour its bounty? Growth always comes at a cost. Rapid growth comes at an even higher cost. If it is too good to be true then it is too good to be true. I don’t think our immature capitalism understands this yet.

I am probably needlessly taking off on Hyundai right now. It is a wrong thing to do. At least they are trying to do something. But the point is that in trying too hard they end up getting data that is wrong. Data has to be understood in its context and not by itself.

I hope companies like Hyundai understand this and not merely take action on quantitative scores. A process to get the data is as important as the data that is being gathered. Everyone knows that, even the folks at Hyundai. But we end up being so lazy that we don’t bother to put in a check for this. It won’t affect the short run but it will hide serious flaws in the wrong run. Anyone remembers ‘the broken windows theory’ made famous by Malcolm Gladwell? Look it up.

wash your hands off

I came across this wonderful piece by Dan Ariely (link) . I have loved this guy and absolutely love the questions he asks and the possible explanations he gives. Yes in many ways adding a disclaimer or a disclosure always allows most corporates to do whatever on hell they want.

“According to the New York Times, the drug maker disclosed that it paid $20 million in consulting and speaking fees to 4,500 doctors in the second half of 2009. The company also shelled out $15.3 million to U.S. academic medical centers for their clinical trials.
A few other drug makers have disclosed their doctor payments in the past, but this is the first time a company has disclosed its payments for clinical trials. As such, some may see this as a good deed on Pfizer’s part, a noble step towards eliminating or reducing some of the conflicts of interest in medicine.
Only, disclosure doesn’t seem to help. Several studies have shown that when professionals disclose their conflicts of interest, this only makes the problem worse. This is because two things happen after disclosure: first, those hearing the disclosure don’t entirely know what to make of it — we’re not good at weighing the various factors in any given situation — and second, the discloser feels morally liberated to act even more in his self-interest and to disregard what’s in the public good”


I worked in corporate India and banking long enough to know that the agreements are horribly one sided and long winded. There is no way for the client or consumer to effectively understand the same. After years in finance and I still don’t understand the simple disclaimer that gets added in every insurance ad –‘insurance is eth subject matter of solicitation’. What on earth does that mean? I know what it means for the marketing person. Say whatever you want and then slap on this in really rapid pace or small font. There… now you are clean. It is the same in all the Initial public offer adverts. Say whatever you want and then slap on the fact that the important disclosures and risk factors are given. The government even made it mandatory to have a form with all the risk factors written on it. This makes for a large unwieldy form. But no one reads that as well. You need a magnifying glass and a lot of patience. If they really care about informing us and keeping us aware why don’t they insist on simple language as risk? – This claim is exaggerated and is most likely not going to happen. No by investing in this fund you are not likely to buy your own aircraft twenty years hence. This company is not making real money, it is a promise, more like a dream. This investment gives the broker commission of 10%. If you default on this loan we will take your car with the help of goons if need be. If you need money for this, then you are likely not to pay this back. We need to bank with us as we have just increased this sales man’s target.

I agree with Dan. Making disclaimers mandatory and agreements mandatory have not protected the consumer. If anything they have given a free hand to business to rip us off. Possibly if we baned them and put the onus back on the corporate to ensure he has not missold. Suppose we can fight in court that we did not really understand this legalese and the court says, sure... your disclaimer must be in the same language as your ad copy, possibly then...

But for now all you have to do is slap on a really inane disclaimer and voila, you are on. Say what to, do what you to, the adams family… the adams family…

the big Q meets the big A

I really need some creative release. While one of my collegues for searching for a job, she came across this start up company on a job portal trying to be really cool. They posted this job posting which got me interested. I might be just the right guy for the job. The job description fits well. Marketing sales distribution financial services are the correct key words. She applied online only to get an email from them, asking for answers to longwinded questions. What does a man need in life except a challenge? So I decided to answer these friendly blokes myself. It’s nice to do interviews when you are not really looking for a job isn’t it?

So here is the mail I sent them. The Q are the questions they asked and the JD: precedes the answers I wrote. I myself was surprised by the wisdom I exhibited in some answers. Some of them were so deep. They also helped me clarify my own thoughts on some topics. The best part about this is that it is all true, or what I believe to be true
Don’t get me wrong. This is not one upmanship and I really think the guys are genuinely trying to do something different. It’s good for them. Boring stuff gets you boring results. I hope they get some good guys frustrated by trying to beat the systym that is tacked against them.
So if the interview guys actually read my mail and looked me up on google… here is a big thank you and kudos from me.
----------------
The answers:-
------------------------------------
I am tired of inane disclaimers that financial service companies throw at customers at the last; that to in illegible fonts and if you are on the radio, at incomprehensible speed. May God make you big enough one day to inflict the same on others. In other words (duh) may you grow to spend money on above the line marketing.
Disclaimer: a cocky tone with the backing of seed investors (other people’s money) probably appreciates or expects one back…

QUESTIONSQ1 Have you been in a financial products distribution role before? Yes/No

JD:
Oh you betchya…

Q1Y If you answered “Yes” to Q1, then please tell us more. Anillustrative list is -- the kind of product, the distribution channeldetails, the turnover (+ the growth attributable to you), theincentive structure (for you as well as your distribution channel),any extraordinary achievements/contributions (e.g. record breakinggrowth, convinced a particularly difficult but important customer(s),new/innovative ideas you contributed) + any other detail you thinkrelevant.

JD:
I was in looking at Mumbai and Pune as a territory for selling online trading accounts years ago. October 00 to November 01 to be precise. Those numbers were gobsmacking awesome. Oops, did I use a hyperbole. Retract – rephrase – Compared to today’s day of lakhs of account I could only manage a couple of thousand. We weren’t a startup driven by racking numbers to please a seed community. We were owned by a shrewd seasoned business man who only threw money after you got money in. So with a limited sales force and a deeply immature market, that was industry shaking. To give you a perspective, google was just about more than a Stanford project at the time.
Selling internet broking was tough – Sensex was at 2k and internet was the haven of fraud (at least in the customers mind) and to add to that, our dear Mr. Ketan Parikh, decided to play party pooper. You know the guy?
Let’s get back to numbers – our trading volume around the time was 5 cr a day and I was directly attributable to around 3 cr. Not bad considering we had an ‘all India’ presence. But then, was that my over performance or the other idiots at the branches just decided to sleep on their jobs. The Bangalore guy was called Mr. NASDAQ as he always ambled to office at around 12 noon.
Difficult customers were part of the party. If you think difficult customers who were on the threshold of joining are painful in financial services, you aint seen nothing yet. Wait till they join and make a few losses, having their margins cut in a fall and now try recovering money from a dude in bhayendar, who happened to be the local NCP rep. Oh, does that mean I did that. You bet I did. All of the above to multiple people and yes, the bhayander story is true. Now that you reminded me let me dig up that card. I’ll probably frame the dam thing. An, numbers again – the recovery from the NCP guy was around a frightfully low five grand.
Innovative ideas bit – lotsa – we wanted direct sales agents. One poor guy walked in from Pune to start a broking coaching institute. I made him the largest sales agent in India. He is still a large guy there. Now I can happily give you his reference. A year into the job then, he might not have been a happy reference.
Then my company did the silliest thing they could. Took me out of sales (a promotion they told me) and put me in centre. Wow. Now I looked at broad sales strategy (fart), marketing (more fart), product (loud fart), customer service (fart of the highest order) and corporate strategy (beyond just fart). Hung around for a couple of years and left. Did some nice things. Conned a few websites into paying per lead generated. Those were the days of cost per thousand impressions. Google was in its nappies remember, and they hadn’t yet plagiarized the adword model yet.
Got customer service up to mark. Did simple things like design and implement software to track and manage queries as well as – wow – classify customers into buckets based on trading volume. I practically ran out of the cabin naked, shouting Eureka, eureka…. Good thing they don’t have bathing communes in fashion these days. But what’s so hot about implementing a software? Loading a CD can’t be that much tough. Errr… this is the embarrassing part. We decided to build this stuff in house. Ya… I know… my sympathies with me as well.
Incentive structures in those days for the core team was not directly variable a math model. The company made money and hopefully end of the year, they like you enough to give you a bonus. For the direct sales guy, it just was a cash incentive. Innovative stuff was done there in the form of mid month 3 day schemes to get rid of month end bottle necks and stuff like that. Nothing rocket science but a staid financial service firm like ours… boy was that tough getting through.
Record breaking growth – you tried a nice one on the percentage versus multiple growth bit “fairly frightening habit of looking at targets as “Multiples” rather than “Percentages””. Very cool line but would fail to impress anyone who was worked in a fresh company in a fresh industry. Of course you grow in multiples, that too monthly. You have a ridiculously low base. Are any of you the hallowed IIT IIM combos?

Q1N If you answered “No” to Q1, doesn’t matter (well, it might perhapsmatter, but not very much). Please tell us your approach on creating,nurturing and growing a financial product distribution channel. Pleaseremember that on a “Ceteris Paribus” basis, good ideas can be worth asmuch as (if not more than) good experience.
Two hints for you in this connection. The first hint -- our ad clearlymentions that like most startups we too (though we have a Seedinvestor in place) are resources-poor; meaning no advertisement based(or other expensive) strategies or other expensive strategies please.Whatever money we have, we would prefer to spend it on your salary,the office overheads, and most importantly, our villa in Switzerland(just joking). The first hint – Though we are achievement-hungry, wedo generally tend to ignore strategies of the type “give me ‘n”people, each will handle ‘m’ customers, each of these customers doingon an average ‘l’ amount of business annually, so I will give you‘nml’ amount of business in all”! Mathematically impeccable but then…..

JD:Well all other things being equal, while pardoning the latin or is it greek translation, your question here indicates an answer that the earlier question fails to address. So here goes nothing –
Why financial distribution, all channels follow the same logic. Plenty of hard work and sweet common sense. You keep the relationships equitable and work with the partner, you got it going. The amount of consideration that is typically the bone of consideration (eeks, bad English), roots from an imbalance created from an understanding of power. To make things simple –if the distribution owns the customer, you pay high; if you own and hence pull customer – you pay low. To validate the hypothesis, speak to your nearby kirana.
And as far as hiring people goes, it works directly in proportion to the investment you think your firm can afford. People always work well in sales. Feet on street is well – feet on street – forgive an other rubbish aphorism. But if you are like my super boss who believes that, spend money only after you see money, good for you. I have seen enough to see that both strategies are great. Though for a start up that promises growth, stock, valuations and other scary words, conservation might not be the chosen path. After all the swiss villa is calling. And it’s never been cheaper. Thank you subprime.

Q2A As you know, the distribution of financial products is a fairlyfragmented business. There are the national level distributors andthen there are many smaller (but important in their regionnevertheless) players as well. Personal equations are important. Sohow would you assess your existing senior level (decision takinglevel) contacts among the financial products distributors to sourcethem for us? If you do not have any contacts (e.g. you are from adifferent line), then how do you propose to (i) create the databaseand (ii) also acquire the relevant senior level contacts

JD:Having databases is one the surest and smartest way to short circuit the growth process in this industry; but given the wonderfully inadequate innovation in this industry I an assuring you that these databases come with a heavy cost. The cost is invisible… the cost is the mindset of the guy who comes along with it. He comes with existing preset ideas (if you call them that) and the baggage of his current employment (promises made, big talk given).
In my experience if you have a kick arse idea and service, you need a fresh guy with eager brains. If yours is a me-too product, then hire the database.
A small part of my current work does work with people who have names of distributors, and they can be leveraged. But I still can’t fathom the need for this. This industry is small and fairly friendly. A few calls here and there will get you the list.

Q2B A linked question. Once you have the database + the contacts(either because you already have these or you acquire them somehow),how would you then go about keeping it updated?

JD:uhh. That’s a tough one. Will an excel sheet help?I also assume you have budgets for people to travel (not Mallya style of course) and for people to make calls. Is STD enabled on the cell phone? That would help for sure. A greeting card sent by courier might also tell you if the addressee has moved. See. Greetings cards always come with an ulterior motive.
(Is mallya one of the seed guys… then that line just got me screwed, metaphorically of course)
Ohhh now I get it. You were talking about getting more people on it. I must be so thick. .. But if that’s your core job, you kinda just do it. Right? You keep looking, you keep talking and you keep buying them off. The last is the worst thing and must not be done, but so is infidelity. Go on – remember ‘the tiger’. As in woods? Ahhh, my sense of humor must be sickening. Imagine having someone like me around your start up.

Hint:- Please keep the “resource-poor start-up” point in mind whileanswering either of these questions (Question 2A or Question 2B).
JD:Got that loud and clear. What you hiring morons that you need to repeat this stuff?

Q3 An easy question. Please tell us something about your sellingtechniques. The answer length is at your discretion. It can be onesentence or multiple pages (coherently written, of course). And by theway, no “cut/copy + paste” jobs from Phillip Kotler etc please.

JD:PERSISTENCE

I wanted to cut that at one word, but since I seem to be suffering from typititis, here is one cut copy paste from the dictionary. By the way, who’s that kotler chick. Haven’t met her? Does she do handstands? You sure, you not from some IIM?

Main Entry: persistence Part of Speech: noun Definition: steadfastness
Synonyms:
constancy, doggedness, endurance, grit, indefatigability, perseverance, pluck, resolution, stamina, tenacity
Antonyms:
idleness, indifference, indolence

Q4 You would no doubt recall from the advertisement that we arethinking of keeping a part (maybe a large part) of your pay asvariable (incentives disbursed on a monthly/quarterly basis as well ashalf yearly and annually). And that even bigger rewards can hopefullycome your way through stock in our company (amount of stock given isof course performance linked).So what are your salary breakup expectations with us? On one extremeyou could say 0% fixed and 100% variable. Shows a lot of confidence,doesn’t it? On the other hand, you could say 100% fixed and 0%Variable. Without getting into a judgmental mode, don’t you think thisshows a lack of confidence?

JD:Try and answer this
If there was a $100 bill lying on the ground and there were (A) Santa Claus, (B) A dumb blond, (C) The Easter Bunny, and (D) A confident bloke who agreed for fully variable pay standing there, who would pick up the $100 bill?

(B) The dumb blonde. The rest are all fictional characters!

Just pay a guy his true worth and let him overachieve for bonus. Bonus does not run the house. It helps you buy the second car, the club membership and if your company is really cheap – a pair of ray bans. Variable pay to fulfil basic needs is like keeping a dog hungry so that he does tricks with food as the motive when your friends come home. Zoo zoo. As another bad maxim goes – when you pay peanuts you get … yaa.. you know that… some one…duh… Monkeys!

-- Now that the two extreme points have been discussed above, pleasego ahead and let us know your preferred breakup in percentage terms(Fixed component vs Variable component).

JD:Go figure…
Good try on the mental marking though. Dan Ariely would have been so proud of you.--

Within the Variable component, what proportion would you prefer toreceive in stock basis and what proportion as incentives(monthly/quarterly basis as well as half yearly and annually). Theincentives are in concrete/hard money so that is the obviousadvantage. But on the other hand, the stock incentives can potentiallybecome “x” times (“x” being hopefully > 10K, we pray to God), so youcan retire as a Crorepati or as a Multiple-Crorepati. What would beyour preference?

JD:The more you break incentives into multiple months of shorter duration, the more you encourage short term behavior. People will sell the dream to get the best sales for now leaving your company with empty promises and bad reputation. So go, keep a plan in place to reward employees who stuck around irrespective of performance. If you are a start up, everyone there who trusted you must get their fair share. That’s the fun of being a family. Asking people to bet on something they don’t know is such a mean trick. Give them their due. Give them bonus for great work. And give them stock for being with you. So that they too care. If you keep giving stock that requires them to stick around in the future you might just get a whole bunch of people staying around not because they love the place but because they want the stock. I always get on board people who work because they want to not because they have to. And then reward them for working for you. Stock must not be used as a carrot but used as a means for showing you care. You care for your granny not because she has to make her will, but because you care. And if she puts you on the will along with another brother who visited her less than you, you don’t crib.

-- Please also let us know your earlier (existing job or last job, ifcurrently between jobs or unemployed) breakup in terms of Variable vs.Fixed.
JD:well if you do want to know – we have fixed pay and variable in a good year can be as high as x or as low as zilch like last year. Stock – this is a complicated thing, designed to confuse. We are the financial engineers you see.

Q5 How comfortable would you be as an one-man (or one-woman) armywhich is what you would be initially?While answering the above, please do remember that you are an integral(in fact, probably the most important) part of boot strapping thecompany’s growth so initially you may have to really go out (even alone) and get us the business (see Q2A and Q2B above). This is thefirst (and likely to be the most important) phase of your career with us. Once you have done this successfully, then comes the easier andmore fun part -- setting up the marketing department, having multiplelayers below you, multiple number of subordinates reporting to you,putting your feet up on the table while others go out and get thenumbers and generally basking in the gentle glow of your achievement(+ in the context of the incentives + stock options discussed earlier,watching your bank balance grow).

JD:Is this a trick question? Is this a Miss Universe contest? And what’s with the disclaimer after the question?

Q6A What excites you the most about this job opportunity?
JD:Another trick question… you guys are good. You hire a psychologist for this stuff? This time ask Miss congeniality. No, not Sandra Bullock, but then… you sure want a lot of bullock in any case… eeeeks another horrible use of the pun. Yeh bolne ke pehle main mar kyun hani gaya.

Q6B Conversely, what are your biggest apprehensions about this jobopportunity? Please do not write “none” or “nil’ or any suchequivalent word, phrase or sentence here. Please let us know at leastone apprehension -- unless of course you are a real-life edition ofthe emotionless “Terminator” robot in which case we will certainlykeep your CV on file for the future (in case we ever need your unique“Termination of Humans” services).

JD:Now that’s a good question. Give your psychologist a bonus for this one and your copywriter a kick for the ugly ‘terminator’ idea. It is so passé. You might as well have said ‘aasta la vista, baby’. Getting the monotone though aka arnie, might take some doing.So answering the apprehensions:-
Any guy writing the job requirement in this way either is too cocky or too egoistic or too fresh or a really cool bunch. One on four might not be a great odd. But the fear here comes in terms of large ego clashes which are typically responsible for the shit we see. Especially in start ups. I have worked in a few to see it coming. If you guys are good, which I assume you are, your biggest problem is ego. If it is a one man show, then even more so.
Other apprehensions
– Will my pay come on time?
– How big is my cabin?
– How come it’s smaller than his?
– How long before I get my secretary and my big fat company sponsored credit card?
– Where’s my car?

Q7 Any other points you deem relevant.JD:errr… melody itni choclatey kaise bani?In conclusion:-We are really looking forward to hearing from you.
JD:So bless me lord

way to a man's arse...

I don’t feel like writing anything today. The office atmosphere got my brains to get the freeze. What a silly place in the world this is. People ducking, chucking responsibility. Not working but pretending that they are highly busy. Sitting on their stuff for eons and then expecting others to finish on time. Add to that tomorrow we have a divisional man com meeting. When you get sufficiently high in the system (yeah, I heard the shit floats story as well), these are perks you get to waste your time. Mancom meeting. Wow. Imagine getting a bunch of us together to discuss nothing in particular but all issues in general. This is done with a need to gets ‘everybody on the same page’. Ok.. we are on the same page now. Now what? Where the action plan to do what is is decided. The clear date and deliverables required out of members. Follow up on commitments and hold people responsible for them. With out the latter the whole point of the meetings is lost on me.
So I get the freeze. I stopped getting affected by it. I just learnt to live through it. numb. God give me change what can be, patience to deal with what cant and the wisdom to distinguish the two. Solution – brain freeze. Go numb unless you really can change stuff. Look around you. You will see zombies enter meetings, trying to look important. The give away is the eyes. The insecure ones always have shifty eye. Looking around them. The dumb ones and unread ones will be the loudest. And yes you will get mr weasel, mr oily, mr dick, mr ego, mr devil’s advocate, mr navel, mr territorial and so on. And not to mention the most important Mr Switched off. That’s me. Off most of the time till its time. Time for decisions to be taken? No, time to order the snacks and time to grab that one jam biscuit in the tray full of peleb butter cookies. The meeting is all about trying to corner the max tasty food. Only seasoned professionals like me know the difference between quality and quantity. The rest can be happy with the 6 glucose biscuits they got. I have my cream centred ones.
And the secret to popularity is not the one who does most of the work. That is one way, but that’s the tough way. The secret is to be the one that orders the treats at the meeting. Everyone else might feel a little shy to openly bare their dark inner love for mysore masala dosas or the eternal favourite – cheese vegetable grilled sandwich; you have to take the orders and openly ask them about it. Then you are the popular one. You must play the role of the pimp, who is corporatese is always the most popular guy around.
Also you know why the cheese veg grill is eternal favourite. Not because it’s sinful but because it’s the most expensive item on the menu. The pleasure derived is directly proportioned to the expense. Who is talking taste, health and other such triflities. Ditto the diet coke. You always order what people don’t want to consume with their own money.
There…I can already picture you as Mr Popular. Aren’t you the pimp?

random thoughts of a unfettered mind (the adjective is for effect)

Corporate speak. One guy N wants data. He tell his flunk V. V asks R. R say H has it. H says A has it. A says only R can give. So circular loop happens and the V is flustered as he is the fall guy. N tells V to write mail. I get marked on it, as H and A report to me. I raise hands. Tell him to buzz off. V calls me and cries. I call V and R. Tell V to tell R what exactly he wants. I tell A to give whatever is required and matter solved. All it required is a guy who calls everyone else’s bluff. That was my value add to something I wasn’t even involved with. Corporate is such a bitch.

Forget that. Lets come to something I like. Teaching. This year I am given the job of teaching something I don’t know. Well I actually don’t know too much of what I assume to know but atleast I know how much I know or don’t know. This time I don’t even know that. Basically I am being asked to take some lectures on quali research. I have a fair exposure to the same and I guess any half decent guy is better than a half a point decent academic.

But this time I have resolved it to be different. I researched on some high end sites for white papers. Taken the trouble to understand these and give it to the kids to read before they come to class. Today I had to kick out around a dozen of them for not reading and coming. It is difficult thing to do but if they have to shape up then I have no option. My only worry is how much to push them and not have them break. But they must grow up and I must be tough for that. Let’s see how much that takes them and me. But at least thanks to this I am learning more, understanding more and improving my knowledge on the dam subject. It’s a good thing to be outside your comfort zone.

While you are driving around Mumbai you realise the rank stupidity of Mumbai road planning where, you have really broad roads becoming tiny and narrow suddenly. If that doesn’t jam what will? I faced this today morning at 630 am. Purely a case of narrowing. So bloody frustrating. We need mass rapid transport and connections to the stations.

One of my team is on leave. That gives me the chance to sit on her desk and with my team. I dunno about their feelings but I sure feel better. The senior cube holes are so disconnected form the rest. This is where the action is and where I don’t feel bored. Now I realise what happens in my appointed nice corner. I am disconnected with anything and everything around the office. Its nice to get demoted once in a while. This place is so much fun. It takes 10 odd years to realise that length of your cube is no barometer of fun in your office. In fact I think there is an inverse relationship there.

Corporate bullshit

Yesterday we went from office to at the food court that’s recently opened out at Nariman Point. Touted as South Mumbai’s first food court (whatever), it was quite a cheerfull and colorful place. We went in early at 12 before the crowd comes in at 1. By the time we were through at 1 pm, there were so many office goers. Lots of guys in formals and ties forming a stark contrast to the place décor. In fact there were so many corporate junkies there that I instantly felt claustrophobic. I am not exaggerating but I really hated to see so many ties at the place. I guess my associations with these places are more fun and frolic and the more I see the formal types, the less comfortable I feel. I too was in formals there but thank god I don’t wear a tie everyday. Possibly these guys remind me of what I probably am as well as what I hate to be. Confused? Same here.

Speaking of corporatism, something really Dilbertian happened at office yesterday. The AC ducts are a perennial problem with offices. People next to them feeling frozen and those 1 cm off the zone, sweat it off. So the guys under the zone put newspapers and anything else to block off the vent, making the others feel even hotter. Every six months the guys come in and take out the packing only to be replaced a week later. There is one duct on the ceiling right next to where I sit. The last time I was in some funny mood so I stuck a picture of my boss there instead of a newspaper. See this:

So yesterday the housekeeping comes running to me “sir, we have to remove the packing in front of your AC duct”. I look at it and say “are you sure you want to remove it. It has JaideepSir’s (my boss) photo on it”. “sir, that’s why I came to you. I removed everyone else’s packing”. I tell him “dude, if you remove JaideepSir’s photo from there you are responsible for it. If he asks anything, I will give your name”. The house keeping runs away keeping it intact. He goes to the admin head. The lady comes here and sees the photo in complete disbelief. “You hung JaideepSir’s photo there?”. “ya, and I am not responsible if you remove it from there. Instead of praying to god, I pray to him everyday.” She too goes away without removing it. What shit? My sweet boss does not even care if his photo is hung there or would care less if it was removed. I can’t believe that this incident actually happened. Fact is stranger than fiction. In corporates you might require permission to do something but you require even bigger permission to change or remove something. hehhehehehehehe

random frustrations :)

The biggest curse in corporate world is to do well. The First KRAISE and then the quarterlies did well. I wrote some edgy stuff. Got reactions, Both sides. This time too many got involved into the act. I have been briefed by too many people. Result highly sanitized stuff. I told my Exec Director, that I just got a bottle of Dettol poured over my bloody head. Result is that I am so damn frustrated with that little thing that I want to give it up. As it is I was doing it out of pure charity. I don’t get salary or promotion for it. Fuck it man. Just fuck it. I just get some free joy by putting in some sublimals that no one except me understands! They range from double meanings to kicking someone’s butt. But then life is nothing but small bits of get backs!!!



One of the main reasons I like my job is that I don’t get too much supervision. People let me be as I am. They don’t get too much in my lives. I deliver. Period. its an amazing arrangement. Simple. I hope to someday lead like that. But I believe the team needs ot grow up for that. You have to earn freedom. Once you deliver without issues and make a habit out of it then you get eth freedom, till then you have to be used to supervision.

My advice to all wannabe media career people. The place is full of shit. I have met only pathological liars, bastards, turncoats and the rest. Hardly a good man /woman exists. Corporate fuckese at its best.

Sturgeon's Law meets Mallika - woooooooooo

Sturgeon's law - 90% of everything is Crud. Good for us. Otherwise imagine shifting thru 100% of data that the world throws at you. Unlike the famous Ogilvy quote about 50% of advertising is wasted; the problem is in knowing which half…. Most Crud is easily distinguishable. What is not may retain and will help over the life time. So say hurrah for the Crud else we would be living with football size brains that have mutated over time to retain the 90%. And if Mallika’s brains were in her unmentionable parts as most agree (this might be potentially read by my daughter) then wowie for the despo bihari bhaiyas that have migrated overseas. But what if we are currently filtering out 90% crud, then does that prove that her unmentionables are actually 90% bigger. AAAGGGGHHHHH. What is this that I am writing? My core audience for reading this blog might be 50% skewed in favour of the fairer ones and this will potentially put them off. Or will it. I am sure they hate Mallika in any case and would love to (not on the face of it) disown her. Jispa when you are older and if you are reading this, please do not judge your father to be a cheap one track bastard. I am actually completely screwed by a three night four day offsite that that had one night in the train and two days traveling. And of course Sturgeon’s Law was at work there as well. Or was it Sturgeon’s Corporate Law – 99% of everything in corporate in crud :) (corporate life is really funny. never a dull moment. i would hate to give it up) What always amazes is that for all that Crud, a lot of us are surprisingly making a lot of money (opposites reconciling). But from that to assume that one needs 99% Crud to survive in corporate is similar to the Black Swan problem. "No amount of observations of white swans can allow the inference that all swans are white, but the observation of a single black swan is sufficient to refute that conclusion." So what to do? The trick is in not getting to frustrated and allowing crud to settle at manageable levels. Each one will get to a level where they are comfortable with not only the crud that is thrown at them but also will get to an acceptable level of crud they themselves throw. One man’s crud could be another man’s durc. Durc is opposite of crud. Forgive the bad joke – its 7.49 pm and I have had my share of crud thrown at me but not enough thrown back. So helpless reader – stay on. Also a perfect example of CRUD – DURC is this link on Falsifiability I encountered while researching the black Swan problem. Outstanding as it may be… I made no sense of it! In spite of knowing the bloody theory!

And guess what some kids (more than one is some) have been inspired by me to start their own blogs… yahooooooo…. I am piece of shit so you be that tooooo…. No offence meant. Good job kids keep going.