One of the reasons that I don’t often blog these days is
that my mind seems to be in a complete state of neutrality. I am unable to have
strong views or even give importance to my normally strong views. All my life I
never had the problem of strong views. I have always been hot headed and relished
the chance to express my views. I guess if one were to see my writing style at
the start of writing this blog one would possibly see the change over the last
few years of my life. I believe I have changed a lot. One of the things that I have
become is a … a bit of a cynic? As in I don’t really mean it in a negative way.
I can possibly appreciate and understand a lot of stuff that goes around… it’s
nice to see a nice play or a good movie or a lovely painting but… it’s not the
same unbridled joy that came along with it when I was much younger. When someone
did something nice to me or spoke nicely or gave me some importance I would
attach a greater deal of value to it. Now I am more… I would like to say
circumspect rather than cynical.
I have learned the hard way and the cost of innocence that
the world is round. It is interconnected. People do what they want to because
of various different emotions, reasons and compulsions. I have realized that no
one is doing things just for giving me joy. It gives them joy as well. And I am
not being holier than thou here. Even I am party to the same fallacy. I thought
I did things for others, selflessly, but I too have my own reasons for doing
so. Hence now I see things differently. It does not mean that I don’t enjoy the
good things in life. I love movies and I love good friends, especially when
they are nice to me. There are so many friends who are genuine in their care
for me and my family and I thank them, I appreciate them. Only thing is that I try
not to expect a lot of joy to be served to me unilaterally. I hope I making
sense, without offending too many people.
Let me rephrase my thoughts – life is nice, people are nice,
everything is nice. But I must take care not to take it for granted. I must do
my bit to get my share. I must grow up and not expect things to be served to me
just because I served it to them. Every person is different. Recognize that. Understand
that and love them for who they are and not what they do to you or why they do
what they do to you.
Hehehe. I said what I thought was essentially the same thing
but with a more positive twist on it. I should get into preaching. The first
two paragraphs is what I tell myself when I am in a mood to talk to myself in
absolute honesty. I try and be ridiculously blunt to myself. To the point of a
scolding. But when I talk to others, I realize that they may not be ready for
some real badly said honest feedback. I too hate negative feedback. So at least
I hear it from myself rather than hear from others.
One wise man told me, not to look at God also too closely;
you will notice even God has blemishes. That is so true. When hold people in
high or even exalted status, invariably you try and come closer and then you
see them with all their dark spots. And you are left disappointed and even
bitter. Things are not what they seem to be. Sometimes as the big marketing guy
in office giving all that gyan, or in college lecturing, I am expected to keep
an artificially high image that people hold in their hearts of me. I can see it
in many eyes or possibly I imagine them in many eyes. The pressure to be a
great guy is too much. I am supposed to be a great guy in so many things, that I
soon start believing that I am a great guy. Over the last couple of years I realized
that I am not such a great guy after all. I need to work hard like everyone
else on every issue, being a good dad, a good husband, a good boss, a good
friend. Everything. And all the time. It’s tough. Especially when you know you
are working hard. That when you expect something back, just because you are
working hard. But from the opposite perspective – its simple – that how you are
supposed to be – a good _____ (fill in your role).
So life is a really tough thing to live, if you are hard on
yourself. The trick is in being hard but taking it all with salt. It is to
attempt to live to your values and morals and know that everything is
subjective. Jispa can love me just because I let her play with the iPad and
hate me because I stuff the banana down her throat before her workout. That’s ok.
I have to keep trying hard and be what I think I know what’s best at the time.
The trick is not to push too much as what I think is best is transient. It is
subject to change, all the time.
One of my role models I realized was my brother. I think my
blog writing helped me realize that. A lot of what I do in many places is what I
have seen my brother do. Though I would be at loathe admitting it but a lot of
his gyan in some way has found itself into my life. One of things he said was I
never interfere with other parents and their children. I don’t discipline them
or anything. What they do with their child is their problem. I thought that was
a pretty good gyan and I try to follow it, to some extent. Of course it becomes
impossible to follow it entirely when you are with so many kids as we
invariably are. But I saw my brother always follow it and he never interfered with
my fights with Jispa. Recently we were in dehra dun at my sisters holiday home
and they have a cute pup in their premise which is looked after by the servant
as my sister is not often at Dehradun. My
brother has decided not to have kids and they have a dog instead. They take
care of Angel as if it’s their child. Now seeing an untrained pup, my brother
took it upon himself to train the pup. He spent his time disciplining the pup
and explaining my sister and her husband on how to take care of it. At one
point he seriously admonished them and the servant for not letting it sleep
properly. My brother really scolded the caretaker. Now I was at the sidelines
looking at this. How different does one behave when one is confronted with something
close to one’s heart? Wasn’t interfering with the dog master relationship the
same as interfering with the child parent relationship? Surely its different in
many ways but its also the same in many ways.
That’s what I believe by being a little bit more
circumspect. Reality is not what we see or perceive it to be. It changes, people
change. You only believe what you see. There is so much you don’t see. And in
all this what blog do I write – what I see or what I don’t see. All my blogs
will start looking like this. This is what I see but there is so much I don’t see.
I find it difficult to hold a strong opinion and that is critical to writing.
But then that is also a bad excuse, there is still so many experiences to
share. They may not be worth writing about in the long run but strung together
they are what I have lived and tis blog is about what I have lived so that
Jispa many moons later will know what I have lived. It will just be that – a chronicle
not a tomb on greater gyan. So with that I hope to write more often. I hope I have
admonished myself enough, destroyed myself ego and broke my wall of excuses. Atleast
I am my biggest critic or cynic!
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