loose talk and love

It’s difficult to deal with the bitch in office. Human tendency is to bitch and find a common ground to bitch on. People like to bitch. Often associated with women, men too bitch like crazy. But somehow I have seen more women bitch about than men. I think men play the games that are more virulent than the women. They get Machiavellian and start plotting. Actually all this I think is ultimate Bull S. I think men/ women – they are all similar. They all bitch, they all talk ill about others and all try to find common bitch stories. It’s pretty painful in office when they bitch about you and amazingly fun when you are bitching about someone.

Till a few years ago I too was quite affected by all the bitching that was going around. I too wanted to be loved. To be loved is an interesting but not universal tendency. I have seen guys who don’t care about being loved. They are way too much in love with themselves. They think that they are it and that people should naturally love them or don’t even care whether people love them or not as, long they fulfill their own objectives. And then there are the others who want to be loved. It affects them if people don’t love them and don’t understand if people don’t love them. Why would you not love me? They are on the ones who like to give love to their fellow beings and be nice to all around them in the hope that the people will love them back,. These are the guys who we call the nice guys and as in most real life stories… nice guys finish last. These are the guys who invariably get upset when people don’t like them and talk ill about them… after all that they did for everybody – why would they get this shit.

I was the latter. I always wanted to be loved. Then life teaches you a lot. I think fatherhood, public service, jobs and generally interpersonal relationships taught me that no one has a guarantee on love. Nothing is compulsory – no love is generally expected form anybody. I learnt that I cannot be the first type and the second type is really up for a disaster. There is a third type. Love for the sake for love. Love that is in essential selfish. I love because I love to love, because that is the thing that makes me happy. Getting love back is also happy but you can’t expect it and you don’t when you are going to get it back. Of all the people you love some will hate you for it, some will call you a fraud and some … some are worth all the trouble. They are ones who give you a lot of love back. But the timing is also in your hand. I see a lot of my kids every year grow up. Some kids keep in touch and some just drift away. Some in some vague ways give a chance to feel their love and some just go away… and you can’t predict one from the other. So the only policy is simple – love all, but stay nicely disconnected from all that love.

This is difficult. Can you love without expecting anything back? Is that real love? Can you have the intensity without expectation? This is the real test but it’s impossible for me to follow. I can preach it but I cannot live up to it. So I have found another way around this. I love, I expect but I don’t let the expectation burden my love and my loved ones. It’s easier around the office and society but of course more difficult when the intensity cranks up in office. But I am learning every day, I promise you that I am learning every day.  I am trying my best and it has helped. When you do something because you love someone and because you expect something back from your loved one – then believe me – the loved one rises to the occasion and give you a lot back and loves you amazingly well. This is the truth – the bets love is always the one that you get unexplained. The love that is there because it’s there (sorry Mallory).

That helps deal with expectations and of course frees the loved one from the burden of your expectations. They are free to express (or not) their love in ways that are unique to them. Sigh..

I was talking about office bitch and I landed here. On the office bitch – expect it no matter what. Laugh at it… have fun – they are humans after all and most of the time bitching is a way of team building and solidarity. Some are viruses that need to be removed – these are the negative people spreading the negativity… but largely the rest of us are well meaning bitches letting off a little steam. You can’t control so much in your life – if you can’t control your love and the love you get back – then what’s with these simple bitches….

bitch

I don’t want to be in the fight. Oh dam it. This father business is painful. Yesterday I was in the fight and scolding my daughter for something I wasn’t even sure I want. She needs to sleep as she needs to wake up in the morning for swimming. Instead she was reading a book. She went in the other room saying that she will come instantly when it’s time to sleep and till then she must read. I called her and yet she continued to read… Dam it. She needs to sleep but double dam it – she should be reading as well. Reading is good for you. But if I don’t interfere there is tremendous pressure on Jasmine. Jasmine is right now in cool off mode. She just ignores transgressions. She is like do what you want – I am tired of you. I don’t want to tell you. you are now old enough to know and handle this on your own. I am in the middle saying – no. she is not old enough, you have to keep the pressure else they won’t learn now.

So instead I get involved and do what I need to do, or rather what I am forced to do. I don’t want to be the authoritarian disciplinarian. Yesterday half way through the scolding I was losing faith in myself. But I need to get her to sleep. That is critical now. And it’s not that she won’t. She will sleep in 30 seconds of closing her eyes. If I don’t push it then Jasmine will erupt. She will burst. She manages Jispa every day, that’s a bloody tough thing to do.

So this time around Dad had to put a stupid stone on his chest and go for it. At the end of it, I looked at Jasmine and told her that this is getting too much for us. She looked at me and said, relax – one more week till the state meet and then no more morning swimming. Whew! Relax.

You know I want to be the cool guy. I want to be the guy that people love to have around and who is relaxed but if I do it all the time things would go off. The other day was the first time I had to tick a couple of kids in office off. These two would indulge in gossip all the time. Every time they would be sitting and chit chatting. I would make a joke about it and get them to work. But it would be of no avail. Then I let it rip. I got them into the room and gave them a dressing down. If they want to gossip then this is not the place for it. Every time getting together and talking in hushed tones is not the culture I want. Be loud about what you say. You can’t keep talking secrets.

I hate this secret culture. You always see these unsecure people wanting to talk secrets in office. Then when they are talking they keep looking behind their back or over their shoulder or around when they talk to you. I find that really dumb. Why do you need to talk to anyone and look around you? What is it that you are hiding or don’t want others to hear. Sometimes Jispa’s friends piss me off. They will talk to the other girls but while looking around. That is so secret secret behavior. Luckily Jispa shows no such signs nor doesn’t care or gel with this kind of stuff. Its so pissing off.

In my team I would like to root out such behavior and stomp on it. Talk, criticize but in front of the person. Don’t bitch so much, especially if it’s your team member. When someone bitches to me about someone then I assume that one will bitch about me to someone else. Tread with immediate caution!