simple life

20 years of being married. This Saturday. But it’s already been 28 years of knowing each other. So it’s a difficult milestone to celebrate. And for a couple that is highly practical parents of a young child, it no big deal. Where do we celebrate? Should we go somewhere?

This is similar to the question that I ask my self – what is Jispa’s life untested by faith. Just because we haven’t taught her to pray, I wonder what will happen in adversity. Who will she look to for help? Will it better or worse for her? Similarly – Jasmine and I have been a practical couple. We have known each other for 28 years and I guess since the last 20 years we haven’t really given each other gifts for anniversaries and birthdays. We figured that both our lives are fairly intertwined. We have equal and joint control and visibility on our bank accounts. We know how much money is there or not. We know exactly what the other wants and we buy what we want. It’s not like we hold to expensive things. If it something we want and we will use, we buy. There is no real gifting opportunity.

If it’s impractical to buy it then we don’t buy it. It might be expensive or will not be used or whatever, then we don’t buy it and we don’t bother about it. Hence we can’t buy each other anything. I know she feels and I know I feel that we should gift each other something from time to time but whenever we think about it we look at each other and go… nahhh!

We have even told each other that we would NOT appreciate a surprise party. DON’T EVER DO IT! We have warned each other about it. Probably we are too bored about celebrating it or too practical but definitely we would appreciate a surprise party. Forget surprise, we don’t even appreciate parties.

In the new house, for sure our socializing has gone up. Significantly. We can have larger groups of people coming over and enjoying together. We seem to like people coming home and we play games together. Which reminds me – I have to buy more games. Whenever I get an opportunity.

But in the new house we have stocked enough and we have structured our house in way that we cater to more people having fun. We have a well-stocked pantry cupboard next to the dining table which in turn in next to the windows, occupying the best place in the living room. Cause that is where we figured is the best place to cater to our friends. When we have friends over and we are playing games, no one moves from that place for hours. We practically spend the entire evening/ night or day sitting in just one place. The secondary fridge is also next to it making getting up only a matter of going to the loo.

That’s been our life. We like to keep things simple and practical. You don’t need too much to enjoy. You work hard, save enough, invest more. That’s it. I think we are too practical for anything. Too practical to enjoy gifting.

But I remember my tenth anniversary. We had an event the next day in Grand Hyatt. I want to remember the 20^th. What should I do? Let me see if Jasmine’s wants to book a restaurant for dinner. Let’s see. Just a quiet dinner at a nice simple place. That would be nice. Let’s see.

a delicate balance

Friday was a really tough start to a day. I felt like a complete loser. It is one of those days when you start to question yourself and especially your skills as a parent. I have always maintained that it doesn’t matter what happens to the results as long as you have tried your best and you put in a great effort.

We have had enough stress over getting a poem for Jispa to recite for the elocution. The teachers in her school don’t help at all. This is contrast to our school days when the parents were completely uninvolved in the process. This time we got a poem and it was accepted. Suddenly on Thursday evening Jasmine calls me to tell me that Jispa won the second place at the competition. I was so dam angry. Why? Not because she missed first place but we never did really have the time to practice. I taught her a couple of times and that was it. She was still nowhere near as good as she could be and she was emphasizing the words and pausing rather than one smooth flow. It was pretty irritating. Why was I not told that the competition is on a particular date.

In the morning I was angry at Jispa. Why dint you tell me? Also whenever I asked you to practice with me afterwards you always made an excuse. She told me that she would practice with her school teacher every day. But Hell… your school teacher ... she doesn’t know anything about elocution, does she? Does she teach you to vary your tone, to put the right emphasis? They don’t know anything and you think that is enough.

She told me that it’s ok nah? Wasn’t I the one who didn’t care if she won or lost? Yes, I don’t care if you win or lose, but it pisses me off to see inferior effort done. Both your mom and I put in enough stress to search for your poem. We go through tons of poems, we beg and check with other mothers for interesting poems and we then try and get one that’s interesting. So you better start practicing earnestly with us or you are in for trouble. There is a lot of work to be done and losing first place just because you have not tried enough, that’s pretty irritating. Whenever I wanted to teach her she would say that her head is spinning or its paining or give some excuse. That was really bad. I never knew that the competition was coming up so I could crank up the pressure. It seems Jispa just told Jasmine about the competition in the morning while being dropped off to school. Jasmine also said, now what to do… best of luck and do well. Wasn’t she supposed to tell us what’s going on, especially since we are involved parents and especially when it comes to elocution. Arrrggghhhhh.

This was so bloody darn frustrating. Coming close and letting go just on a whim! Jispa needs to realize the sacrifice we go through when she does something. I am happy not being the bad guy. It’s the best to be a father that is all loving and caring and doesn’t piss you off. That’s an easy one. But to have one that pushes you to do better, it requires the father to be a jack ass at times. And bloody hell that’s a difficult thing to do. Balancing the equation on both sides is a great challenge. She got a few from me that morning. And in the evening I hugged her and told her I was sorry but I really did need to know and she really did need to tell us and practice with us. She said she was sorry as well.

There – that’s that. Delicate balance achieved. An uneasy balance only to be tipped over on either side at the slightest extraneous factor. Till then – a piece of cute news. Saturday we celebrated our 14^th anniversary and Jispa had a surprise gift for us. A card for each of us and a special present. She made for Jasmine a cat out of sponge and for me she gave me a cover. A cover with cash in it. She gave me 125 bucks cash as a present. That was all she had. I didn’t know what to say. Thanks Jispa. Many thanks. Can we buy something with it later? Girls… they are so bloody adorable.

never forget...

A dozen years sounds quite a bit but it does pale in front of 21 years, especially when you are all of 35. Being young brave, foolish and over active hormones does have its advantages. The first words I ever uttered to Jasmine around 21 years ago were in the form of a proposal. Yup she refused but wanted to be friends nevertheless. She never admits to it, but I attribute her counter proposal to my charm and magnetism at the time. I chased her for more than a year (joined her college) and finally got her to agree to go out with me. Oh the perils of youth! Way back in those days a complain from her to her mom about this ‘stalker’ or ‘proposer’ or ‘dumb ass’ would got me kicked and beaten up by her folks and then mine. After 9 years of ups and downs, fights and reconciliations, promises and dreams later we got married. Yippee.
12 years ago we had no clue of the life facing us. All I wanted was 10 grand a month. I had no dream of my own house, or my child or anything. I thought I would do something good and make a honest life working hard. I thought life would be simple and uncomplicated. Relatively uncomplicated atleast. I might have been a bit naïve I guess. Life slapped me hard in the intervening years. Real hard. It also gave me many lessons, many that I have been proud to learn. But I guess I might have been happier never to have learnt. Life’s lessons are always costly. Whenever you learn something you give up your innocence and a part of your heart. Every time your brain increases you heart decreases.
But we do live in such a world don’t we. I never wondered why we do so. It has been our own creation.
Living and learning has taken an amazing toll on me. But it’s largely been my own doing, my own choices. Jasmine has never expected more from me. She has amazingly content and amazing non demanding where my career is concerned. Surely she has been as demanding of me as a family as I might have been of her. But I have never faced the issue of earning enough to keep up with my wife’s dreams. Today itself I was telling someone, Jasmine and I have been like chalk and cheese on many things. I am outgoing and loud and she is quiet and happy to hear. But funnily on so many other things we see to agree very well. Many times we keep thinking that whenever we have made a team to do anything, we generally end up doing it well. Her strengths and mine have been very very different. Also today I might be smart enough to not compete with her, but I think I was lucky that when I did not have that self confidence earlier, it was great that Jasmine never bothered to compete with me. It did not even occur to her. I liken her to a happy cow.
Middle class to the core, she abhors wastage and show of money; yet my biggest fight with respect to expensive things is that whenever I think of splurging on myself, she keeps nudging me to go ahead. I too am a carefull buyer. I like to spend less, not buy by brand tags and like to mull things over and almost covet stuff till I buy it. If I tell about it to Jasmine, she will keep nudging me to buy it and then I get influenced by it. I had to keep telling her not to poke me. I will be happiest if it hit the buy button on my own and not poked into it by her. But then that’s her and that’s me. 12 years of living together as man and wife. And till yesterday we almost forgot about it. A few years ago I genuinely forgot and my wife had to remind me and yesterday I reminded her that it tomorrow (i.e. today).
We are practical minded people who don’t really care about flowers or cakes or presents. We treat ourselves when we want to, where we want to and take buying decisions jointly. On almost everything. So then our surprise gifts are also few and far in between and stuff that we really want in any case. Like I have got perfumes, body wash and swimming googles as surprises and she has once got a towel form me. And all this too has been motivated by Jispa wanting to give something.
Pretty unromantic for ‘childhood sweethearts’? we are both pragmatists I guess.
I can’t close the post without mentioning my favorite line of hers. When I am stressed or worried her words of wisdom always has been ‘don’t take so much stress’. Just that. That’s her solution! Talk about an uncomplicated mind. And see me. A case of opposites reconciling, what say?

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While courting I got a cassette recorded and presented it her. Our favorite song from that is still our favorite song of all time. The concert version especially. We love the part when the crowd sings along. You know it was priest from school who I was pretty close to who suggested that I put it in the cassette. He asked me love songs? Here is a love song! And he even gave me the cassette free of cost and I recorded it on his system. Father Ian Dolton. Thank you sir.

grace

2010 is a good time to write some end of year bores. You get them in all papers and just about everywhere. I can’t read one more story on New Year resolutions. But since it’s also the end of a decade, a lot more newsprint gets devoted to rubbish sepia. But for me the year end would mean something special always. This date acts as a proof in my life that being brave and stupid is better than being scared and intelligent. Discretion is not the better part of valour. It was on this date 20 years ago, I first spoke to Jasmine; and the first words were something of a proposal.
After which I have always told would-be-Romeos and would-be-Juliets that if it is in your hearts, bring it to your lips. Better to speak out your heart and face rejection than to think of what could have been.
As a 14 year old my heart was pumping hard and my hormones clouded my brain and I still sometimes wonder what my dad would have done to me if Jasmine had complained instead of being sweet. Also now I wonder what would have happened if I had a tight slap in return? But life knows its destiny and it hurtles towards it. (wisdom of oogway). Just for the record she refused and it took another year and more of following to finally wriggle a yes. (Tenacity? but that is another story).
So I can look back on twenty years and wonder about the various phases we have had together. The first four and half years of being together but hiding from her parents. The next few of being together but slightly unsure about how our life will unfold in terms of career etc. The next few of setting it up. Then Jispa and then the least three years of staying and setting up our nuclear family.
Superficially we are very different but at so many levels we are the same. There seems to be no set formula or philosophy to make it work. I think all it needs is the will to make it work.
God has been good so far. We sometimes wonder when, with him, we will find ourselves afoul.

kya scene hai

The 18th anniversary of meeting each other. Easier to remember as it was the 31st of December. Could it have been more clichéd? Its even around the same time. Even more clichéd. I even have a moustache like I had when I first met her. Clichés never cease. Hahahhahahah. This is so funny. I feel like an 18 year old.

on the shoulders of giants

We had an event on Tuesday. I had the priviledge of being the top dog at the event. So in other words I got the stupid job of bring the MC. I know I can do it, but normally I am too bored to do it. This time I had no such luck and was given the job. It went off pretty well. Two speakers stood out. Nandan Nilekani and Anil Kumble. I guess I am always a sucker for people talking about their experience as opposed to bookish management theories.
While I was too much in awe of Nandan to really ask him too much; and he was also surrounded all the time, with too many senior people. What really impresses me is the fact that Nandan being a business leader still is an academic in his approach and so different from other corporates. Most corporates just love to fart and hide behind their power point presentations. Nandan is precise and clear in his thought process.
Anil Kumble was also a revelation. He was outstanding as well. I got my two fundas clarified from him. First one – What the hell is a flipper. That’s the ball that got him wickets by the bagful. He explained the same to me. The other question was more serious (or was it the other way around). I had heard of this theory through two different sources. John Buchanan – the Australian team coach had said – you dont need to motivate someone to play in the Australian team. The fact that you are in the team and playing for Australia is motivation enough. The other time I read it is when Jim Collins wrote in his seminal book (I forget which one) that you shouldn’t need to motivate employees. You need employees who are self motivated. The role of the leader is to remove demotivating factors. I had liked this and believed in it. Give the employees an honest, open, fun and fair atmosphere and you are on. I don’t like motivating people or people who sit and sulk all the time waiting for external motivation. Itna time kisse ke pass nahin hai. I posed this to Anil. His response was that people are different. Motivation is not so much a problem but what the routine could get boring after a point in time. He said that if he came in everyday and was expected to do the same thing, bowl over after over and practice the same way, then it could get boring even for the athlete. He said in the tenure of John Wright, John brought in a lot of changes in way they practiced and brought in innovation and change. – that’s an interesting thought and with a bit of introspection I found it to be true. Sure employees need to be self motivated but it’s the job of the manager to ensure that it’s not boring over a period of time. Good point. Thanks Anil. I appreciate the thought. On another note he was gracious enough to ask for feedback, which I emailed to him and then he was even more gracious enough to reply back, thanking and accepting it. I am super impressed. Celebs are too irritating normally. Here is a level headed guy. It’s no wonder he was perhaps India’s best bowler.

My anniversary was on Monday. It was our tenth anniversary. Just a day before the most important event of the year, I was a bit busy and preoccupied. But I did manage to do something before. I gifted my wife a Swiss knife with her name engraved on one of the blades. That was a perfect anniversary gift!