sweet dreams are made of these

So Jispa is living my freaking dream. Ok… sorry Jasmine, OUR freaking dream. The joker is in Germany for an exchange program. It’s not really an exchange program but it’s a vacation in the form of an exchange program. They will stay at a school hostel and attend school for a few days but are not really completely living with a German family for a few weeks and attending school and all that. But hell. It’s still an exchange program. I wanted to go for an exchange program when I was small.

I remember seeing something like that in the papers about a free exchange program and wanting to join. I sent the letter and the papers and everything and when I got an invite (or just before or something), I saw that you have to pay for your air fare. The air fare to US in those days was around a 100 thousand rupees, which was way above what I could definitely afford. Also I had to pay for small incidental expenses etc. I think it was a period of 1 year where I could study and stay with a family there. Or was it one month? I don’t know. But what I do know is that obviously my dad wouldn’t pay that amount and I was in India with a broken dream. I am not sure if I was upset with dad. I think not. I think I was in this respect at least, quite understanding.

We knew money was at a premium and that dad was at home after his heart attack and that we were trying to run the family on investments and a children’s nursery that my mom ran. It was a nice and popular nursery – Angel’s Nursery. It generated quite a bit of income for the family when we needed it the most. I remember my brother and me being taken by dad on his scooter (with a side car attached) to the various localities and catchment areas and going door to door and stuff pamphlets in the letter boxes and doors. I remember liking the job and quite enjoying the experience. It was invariably on the vacation before the school season for new admission starts.

So I do understand not being sent for this vacation. Right now, with the new house and the 6 months that we had without one of the houses on rent and the Chembur gymkhana membership and all… we are pretty broke. Jasmine and me and wondering and calculating the money in the bank accounts. It’s fun. Luckily I am not stressed as much. I have been through much worse. At least here I am asset rich and cash poor. So when the Germany trip came in, we still said yes, knowing that we will figure it out.

I stopped taking stress on a lot of issues. We will figure it out as we get along life. Jasmine and I discuss that Jispa is young and atleast she should enjoy. It is difficult for all three to go but at least one can go and see it. She is going to Germany, see Nuremberg where the trails were held after WW2 and she is going to Salsberg in Austria. Oh freak. She is completely living my dream. But I am not complaining.

The joker that Jispa is, is not understanding that these are our dreams. I have told her to send pics and talk to us and describe things to us. Share the experience with us. But she is not likely to do so. She likely to go there and act all secretive and at best we will get her experience from her Instagram feed. Such an ass she is. Possibly when she is 30 or possibly 40, when she reads this post, she will realise what a pain she was.

Dreams are funny things and when you mix parenting with them, they can get potent, liberating and restricting at the same time. We parents have to balance it and Jispa has to balance it. She can’t do something or not do something because of us, but we expect her to do or not do because of us. What is right and what is wrong? There is no right and wrong, there is only tension. Tension as opposites reconcile. This tension makes the job interesting, painful, memorable and rewarding. No tension no fun.

Last weekend a kid came home. I had taught her 8 years ago. She came for gyan and advice and chit chat. She had remained in touch, on and off I must have met her after 8 years. It was damn cute. There was the tension of me being her teacher but also the tension of now being a peer in some way.

Yesterday I was super proud as well. It always happens when a kid I have taught comes home and spends time with us and asks for advice. This one was from  the current batch I taught. She and her friend decided to start a cold brew coffee company focusing on really authentic cold brews. She came over for advice and to get me to taste her coffee. It was seriously awesome coffee and I really enjoyed it. Since she wasn’t taking money for the coffee, I made her my special paneer burjee… and then we fed her icecream and we showed her how to make caramel sauce etc. At the end Jasmine and I sat with her and played a few card games. It was so much fun. I know I am some time away from retirement but then this what I would love to do when I retire. Talk to old friends and students, play cards, talk marketing, give free advice and take free coffee from them. It’s the best combo ever.

Teaching has given more joy than anything else. That it helped me improve my speech delivery and improved the basics of what I teach is secondary. The joy that I get when these kids reach out to me, talk to me and give me the love and respect that have for me. It is invaluable. This why I teach and this why I cannot give up. I have made teaching a fine art of teaching logic, concepts and stand up foolery. Just this week I was to give a 12 minute talk on techmarketing at a forum. I did not quite know beforehand what I wanted to speak about but a few days before the talk, I wrote down 20 concepts that would be important to digital marketers as they try to go upon their journey. These are from my personal experience and could be quite controversial or plain different, depending upon the context.

I knew I was good, but suddenly 5 minutes into the talk I started having fun and I started enjoying myself on stage. My stand-up routine started and I started having a load of fun. In the end I was short of time and I started doling out advice in rapid fire mode and the tempo went up and up and up and I was talking as fast as I could. It was serious fun. I have never before had so much fun on stage ever. And the stage was a big one! It going to be telecast on TV later. Here is the not so telecast quality of the same. In 24 hours it already has got more than 500 views. I was on fire! It was an important high point in my professional life so far. Not because I gave gyan on stage. I have done so many times before, but never have I enjoyed it so much. And never before have I done it like this, pushing the limits of my irreverence combined with intelligence and experience. Full time pass.

Here see the full video here.

I really enjoyed this. At first I had put the word f*#@king in every slide. Trying to make an impact. There is an extra alphabet there just for you to know that the word isn’t what you were thinking of but a more politically correct FREAKING. Then the sponsors raised a few valid questions and were urging me to be prudent. I agreed and I sent them one with all of them deleted. As luck would have it, they played the original slides at first and I had to gently remind them on stage. Suddenly as I ran through the presentation, they smartly changed the presentation and the result was that in the middle all the sanitized slides came on. I guess the impact was made. Social was  abuzz with the F*#@KING presentation and the points I raised. Alls well that ends well.

the ingredients of performance

Food is everything! Growing up, I did not realize the power of food to do what we need to do if we are to push ourselves. Our minds and our bodies are completely dependent on the food intake. I realize this quite late in life. I think I really started thinking about it when I think I started getting older and when I still wanted to play. I think it started with Squash. I started playing squash at the gymkhana and I realized that on certain days I played better and on certain days I was a disaster. I would get tired and couldn't well on certain days and one certain days I could go on and on like a Duracell battery. When I looked back, even the simple act of eating a humble vada pav, which is as unhealthy as it gets, made a difference in my game and my stamina. You need some fuel to burn. I think the other big one (I think I have blogged about it) was when many years ago I was amongst the last to bat while chasing a score. We lost the match as in the end I just had no energy left to bat or run or hit. I never did forgive myself. It was simple - I hadn't eaten proper lunch before joining for the match. By the time, I went to bat I had no energy. After that, I made it a point to eat and drink well before and during the match. The results played out very soon. At the fag end of my cricket playing days, I could be amongst the oldest but a tireless player, even over a 45 over match. I think one of my greatest cricketing feats was when in one 45 over match the team had scored enough in 20 overs and were 8 wickets down. I batted for 25 overs, without getting out and hardly scoring as well. But I stuck through. I think we won that one as the opposite team just went bonkers trying to get the last pair out. They spent all their energy just trying to bowl us out. And we just remain steadfast and kept them on the ground.

Food is extremely important. And water of course. Whenever I play badminton I take my water to the game and eat two small bananas. bananas are the best. When I don't have them I eat an apple, but in my experience, nothing does better for me than bananas. On certain days, I can feel the difference. on Monday, I went to play and forgot to eat properly. I had just half an apple. When I was playing I realized that something was wrong. My energy was failing and my game wasn't going too good. I was missing something. the shuttle was going in the right place and I had trouble concentrating in the shuttle. Then I realized - I hadn't eaten properly.

A couple of months ago I had started Pilates. Here also, I went after eating two bananas. The result - in my first class itself - I had to rush out to puke. Wow. Pilates is not so much about cardio as it is about really flexing your core, that includes your stomach. It was bad. I learned my lesson. Eat only one banana and that too, at least, an hour before. I ate something wrong once again and in one of the other classes, I puked again. Pilates is tough and you really squeeze your stomach while you push yourself. Also, I realized that this is not simple puke. I felt as if there was a bit of acidity that was also throwing itself out. It's a good kind of thing to vomit. It felt like a release of toxins. That's when I realized that sometimes the stomach is out of whack and it refuses to behave and perform under pressure. You have to control what you eat and when you eat. The simplest of all solutions for this morning acid during pilates is a shot of lime and honey in the morning. I also add that to the water and we are set. It hasn't happened when I have this combo.

Pilates is going just fine. The place where I go is actually a dance academy where all the kids who teach me are just that - kids learning dancing. When I interact wit these kids I realize that these kids have a passion for dancing and they really want to push themselves. They braved all odds to become dancers and they want to follow their dreams and their goals. They are simple kids with dreams and passions in their hearts and their eyes. You can see that. they want to do well. My teacher is a young boy of 20. Neeraj. Every time he tries his best to teach and asks me if all was great after the session. he wants to please and do better. He wants me to do better. He wants to set goals for me. He wants to push me.

That's a great thing most of the time, but a crazy thing on certain days. On the days when the other members bunk and I am the only guy, it's a crazy thing. While doing the exercises in a class, it's easy to cheat a bit. Take a little break, do a few fewer counts, relax a bit. But when you are the only one - it gets crazy. This Tuesday, I was the only one and for some reason, my stomach was not up to it. I think there was acidity. This is a killer combo. I could barely do much and he was on my case. he wanted me to do good. At the end, I had to plead and say not today. 

I get the feeling that they realize that I am an old man - twice their age - but I really try hard. I push myself and try to do the exercises. These have helped me. I feel the bulk in my shoulders and chest. I think I am growing strong. Simply by doing these freehand work and no weights. These kids and I have bonded well. It's a cute, uncle kiddo thing, where they push and respect me; and I push them around but still respect them. I can scold them and they scold me.

Speaking of which - Jispa is getting really tortured at swimming. They have really increased the workload and they have been pushing her to the brink. The workouts are really tough and strenuous. In addition, to swimming, they have started land training which looks a lot like the pilates I do. they also have a little weight training in the routine. Jispa gets rogered. I have given her a massage every night. Yesterday while I was massaging her, for the first time, I felt that she has serious biceps now. She always had tone but now I could feel bulk. Wow. She is fit and now she is getting strong. Really strong! I can see cuts with bulk. This is serious.

I was telling her, now you know what champions do and what they go through. Go Champion. this is your choice, you have chosen and now it's up to you to fulfill your dream. WOW.

flights of fancy

Yesterday was a morning evening flight to and from Chennai. I hate these morning evening flights. You wake up at obscene hours and then you return at one such hour as well.

But it’s nice to crib about flights now. I remember when I first started my career; flights were a dam big thing. I would look up to my bosses and wonder if I would ever be in a situation to fly to every part of India. Would I ever be that important? I remember my first official flight. It was to Aurangabad. We had appointed one distributor there and I went to set it up and other such formalities. I had asked my boss for some advice. Flights were a big thing when we were growing up. All holidays were always by train or bus. Largely by train. The second class sleeper train travel. And we loved it. But I was also secretly proud that I had taken flights in my life. Since we lived in Dubai, we would come to India every year for a vacation, I flew in around 18 flights. I remember counting the number later when I grew up. I was a privileged person. No one took flights and especially not international flights. Airports were big things and people would come to receive you and drop you off the airports. So I grew up thinking – wow – flights.

Then came my first one to Aurangabad. It was an amazing feeling when the aircraft lifted off the ground after accelerating on the run way. It was amazing surge of power. The next flights were going and coming from Goa where I had to go to launch a branch. We reached late at the check in counter and we were given the last seats which don’t recline. But hell – it was flight wasn’t it.

And then I joined momentum consulting in which I filled in a frequent flier form and became a silver card holder in just 9 months. BAM! Flights were a routine in my life then. Still I think I was still living the dream of being on flights everywhere, calling from a thousand kms away to reach in under two hours. I think I used to have this ritual earlier where I would call Jasmine before the plane took off and then I would call once I landed. I don’t think that rite lasted too long.

Then in the middle when the economy was doing well and we made some obscene amount of money we would fly off in all directions. I had a few long international flying hours as well. If I thought flying once to Kolkata for a two hour meeting was too much (to and fro same day), then I was once flying to London for a four hour long meeting (that too business class). In fact I was flying so much that once I clearly remember feeling very tired in the car and I folded my hands. The very act of sitting and folding hands felt sore. I felt that could not sit any more with folded hands. That’s when I realized I had outgrown my flying dreams and ambitions.

So yesterday was another tiring day. I felt so tired at the end of it. You wake up early, shower and catch a light breakfast (that’s the best thing I learnt for me), catch a bad, then wait for eternity at the airport then a two hour ride and then a one hour taxi and then full day meetings and the then shit in reverse. Can any day devoid of any physical activity can be so tiring. I would have never thought so. Starting at 4 am and hitting the sack at 11.30 pm and catching sleep on the flights – no wonder I had no energy left to take Jispa running today. No chance in hell. All good intentions died with the 5.00 am morning alarm. Screw you too. Jasmine was like – don’t set alarm and then decide – decide at the start itself. Yah… I know but I had great intentions when I hit the bad. They evaporated at the sound of the alarm. What to do?

dream with a view

Well, it’s official. Day dreaming is good for creative thinking. Read here. I didn’t need a scientific paper to prove that to me. My best ideas are always when I am day dreaming. Day dreaming is the best thing to happen to me. When this new office was being set up I was most happy that my cabin had a window. So far in the last eight years, I have been very fortunate to always have a window next to where I sit. This is my fourth seat, but all with a window (not counting a temporary seating place with no bloody window).

I can sit and look out and see stuff.  When I am on the phone my mind can wander away. When I look down I see people scurrying around. Cars zipping or parking. In the last office my window overlooked a busy junction. Some action is always happening. Right now, it overlooks a small back lane and a residential building. The fun bit is the trees there. So bird life is normally not an issue. There are only five birds I spot roaming around. The pigeon (blue rock pigeon) is common and so is the crow. Sometimes I spot the sparrow. But I consider myself lucky if I catch the coppersmith barbet or the red vented bulbul. Typically I always catch them while I am on a phone call. Sitting and listening and staring out of the window. Mind is relaxed and wandering. Oops yes, I do catch a sixth bird sometimes – the pariah kite. Most of the time it’s gliding through the air. Day dreaming.

Now to convince Jasmine that Jispa’s day dreaming is actually good for her.

Here’s my first of the good window seats. Ignore those guys workings there. That was for a brief period. It was the best office I worked in. No cabin but the extra-long cubicle was nice. I had the best neighbors and an awesome team, not separated by any stupid glass wall.

 

Here is the second one. Forgive the grainy snap. Again a cubicle but a nice corner, left alone to myself. The best memories were of the recession and me spending hours on my RSS feeds and learning new stuff.

 

The third one in the same building and position but different floor. A cabin for two. Some sales guy or the other would be there. I always appreciated the interaction. It was a cabin but since they dint want to show it as a cabin, the HR had the door removed and left the glass. Stupid. But Road view!

This is the current view. The best thing is that this is east facing and I get morning sun. I don’t switch on the lights till quite late in the day and I am growing plants!

 

should we, shouldn't we?

Yesterday was Jispa’s PTM. It’s pretty much more of the same thing every year. When they are yet so young the PTM’s are a bit of a bore. Nothing much gets said and nothing much really happens. Jispa is by and large a sweet well mannered kid. Add to that is Jasmine’s commitment to Jispa’s school work and you have a pretty boring PTM. Her grades are decent, her work is decent and she manages her extra-curriculars decently well. Nothing exciting or interesting. But that’s how the education system is, isn’t it.
You follow simple norms and simple principles and stay in line. They don’t want you out of the system. Straight and narrow line is drawn as a system and you are expected to toe it. Of course things have improved. There is a lot more interaction today than it was in my days. The classes and the teachers are much more fun, at least in jispa’s school, compared to my school. But I suspect the hammering to stay in line is still there.
Jispa has a vivid and massive imagination. She can think of fun stuff and interesting stuff. Thanks to this she is many a time lost in her dream world. While bathing, getting ready, studying etc. always a dream world. I think thanks to this she can visualize all the science stuff as well as the abstract stuff that we talk about very well. But this is also the reason she gets into trouble – like she can’t finish her work in time or take her note sin time. Jasmine and I get castigated many times on this by well meaning friends. They always tell us, why are you scolding her thus and why don’t you just let it be?
The answers aren’t so simple. Jispa wants to do well in school. She wants to do well in life. As of now her goal in life is to be a scientist who invents something. She hasn’t yet meet Edison, but if she does, I suspect that guy is likely to be her big time role model. Many times she and I have had a chat on how scientists make money. She thought they will always be poor as who will give them money till they invent something that they can sell. And as it takes a lot of time to invent something, they are probably living a hand to mouth existence most of the time. I explained that most of the time you don’t really need to invent something as a scientist, you can sometimes, simply take things forward. The thing that comes to my mind is Newton who famously remarked about standing on the shoulders of giants. Nice thought. I will explain it to Jispa sometime.
But yes that’s the thing – Jispa has ambitions and goals. And sadly they are intertwined with a system that is regimented. The cross that we as parents have to bear is this. We have to give her a life that is free and fertile, full of imagination, play and opportunity. We have to give her a ton of experiences that allow her to blossom and choose what she wants to do or not do. She has to have a million experiences, but she also has to stay within a line if she is to have the chance to harness it. I haven’t learnt a great deal from my management education. In fact I tell people that I know what I know and have achieved whatever little I have not thanks to my management education but in spite of it. I still remember the lovely lectures and all the lovely experiences of the best teachers I have had, but have no respect for any of the tests or exams I took. I know only too well of the trauma they have caused. But also I know that I wouldn’t have been able to talk or have been able to lead, or been able to do much without this education. The system wouldn’t have given me so many chances.
The system is so bloody spooked that even the college you graduate from matters immensely. Many times I think what more I would have achieved had I been from a better college. Not a tiny bit more from what I might have learnt from there but simply, how many extra chances I might have got.
Jispa’s imagination will take her places. Her thinking will help her, but she will have to learn to rein it in for now. Control it and stay within line. The line is getting a bit broader, just a bit. They also now allow you periods when you can step out and come back in. but as I have learnt, she too will. It’s like the some fantasy movie. There is a golden ball with the dragon, but you the trick to take it from the dragon, is not to snatch it but to first bow down to it. Show your respect to the dragon and then only would the dragon allow you to come near it and collect it.
The education she gets is important and interesting. I still remember a lot of my chemistry and physics and mathematics. I remember a lot of the poems I learnt. They are good for sure. It’s only the way they want conformity is what I have an issue with. But till the system changes, Jispa will get a bit of scolding. She will have to wake up in time and get ready in time. She will have to sit at one place and get her Hindi spellings right. While I can read Hindi, one of the biggest regrets I have had is that I am unable to read Hindi literature. If she grows up wanting to read it, she will have to start now. And if she doesn’t do it now, she probably will never have the chance to do it.
We insist and make her practice the guitar. She loves it and is now pretty decent at playing it. She enjoys playing and practicing, but to get her to the table and sit down to practice it, is something that we as parents will have to do. Forget all this big stuff, Jispa will have to temper her imagination if she wants to get anything in life. Even she wants to see a movie, she will have to get out of the showers after her swim and get ready in time. It’s the same thing.
This life is pretty cruel. You have to make choices. The education system is a good scapegoat that all of us like to hit and blame. The only reality is time. We come with limited time and the dam thing doesn’t wait for us. We have to conform to it. An interesting perspective I read – time was thought of as a constant flowing thing, till we invented a clock that took this flow and broke it down into tiny tiny bits. Into hours and minutes and seconds and so on. It created a tick followed by a tick. I dare say in our bid to tame it we became its slaves. To think of it, it might have been the single biggest innovation that lead to progress and the single biggest contributor of stress.
So there – our parenting will get tested very often. We will have to give a free life within the boundaries defined. A paradoxical construct that stresses us as parents as much as it stresses the child. The only way is out is to try and get middle ground, a large middle ground, that allows for break outs and allows for us to listen. We must constantly be ready to expand this ground. The parents prayer – allow me to protect my child but more importantly, please let me know when to stop.

ROCK on

The amphitheatre was a roman themed one. It was steep, made of stones and full to capacity. There were flashes of brilliance while acting and directing earlier. The crowd was wild and it was funnily enough Jai Hind college. Funnily? Ya. While I have acted on stage for school plays I have never acted in college in a scale play. Largely because my mom wanted me home in time for lunch every day. Have lunch at home. That’s ok though. Possibly students get spoiled while they are at college. Especially when they sit till late and goof around doing nothing but taking part in college activities.

Forget that. So this lovely feeling is going through me. The function is an Oscar styled event with the announcement of the best actors. I feel the excitement and anticipation as they announce the nominees for the best actor. I am a part of it. By this time the nominees are for movies not plays and this is still Jai Hind college in a roman amphitheatre. So the nominees are announced and I hear my name as a part of it. I run in, wearing a denim, long sleeves t shirt and a linen jacket. This is out of my current wardrobe. So I run in to a huge crowd applause. They obviously loved my acting. I think to my self – hey I should be the crowd favorite and that gives me a head start and a realistic chance to win. The show goes on. The winner will be announced later. Right now only the nominees are getting announced. I am extremely excited. I am a bit nervous. It is a lot of pressure. I so want to win this one. But I am also at ease, I know you can’t win them all. But this is the ‘Best Actors’ award. I want to win this one.

So I wait. The lady next to me is eating some peanuts. She is also nominated in her category. I am sitting amongst the nominees. I think about my thank you speech. Whom do I thank for this? At first I am tempted to thank no one. Most of life, a lot of what I have achieved is alone. Well that’s not fair. There have been many who have helped me, nudged me along the way. But has there been a strong continuous force. Fortunately my narcissism lasts me exactly one fourteenth of a second and my wife (in college she was still my girlfriend) comes into view. There, I know whom to thank. And immediately after comes the second thought – my teachers.

In college and school while I was growing, I must have been a difficult head strong child with little manners, outspoken and a pain to a few teachers. Many teachers thought I was an ass, some were ambivalent and some pushed me on, had faith in me and loved me. Mrs Clare Alvaro in Don Bosco high school. She was the one who identified me as an actor and pushed for my case. She thought I was good and let me know that. I always wanted to be an actor. I was the drama man. I could always control my faces in front of the mirror and loved experimenting with my tone. In ninth standard, I finally entered the dramatics and I won the second best actor award. Second best – I knew I was better than the other guy. Mrs clare also told me that later. But then school politics are sometimes real, weird and sometimes, a function of children’s imagination. Then in college one lady, Mrs Dias, believed in me. Enough to make me the secretary of her society – the hobby centre.

In college is also when I came close to Jasmine. She financed me in many ways. My pocket money was a fraction of what she made as a tuition teacher. But more than any of that, she was the anchor of my life. I would dream up interesting stuff and she would manage to make it work. She would be the anchor, the budget keeper of the society and the back bone behind which I worked. She would make things happen that I can dream of, lead into. I was much the figure head, but here was the system that made it all happen. In college in the second year, I won one of the smaller awards for extracurricular. In the final year, Mrs Dias recommended and ensured I won the Principal’s special award for extra-curricular activities. It was on par (or just about lower) than the one for best student. Wow. In some ways it was finishing second best but I am not complaining and I had no desire to win anything. I wasn’t focusing on it at all. The teachers in class liked me as I had decent attendance, enough be off the black list and I was always a good guy as far class participation is concerned. Expect of course in accounts class. The attendance was thanks to Jasmine to kept me in check with a level head, else I might have bloated enough to reach the moon.

Home? Nopes. Absolutely no support from home. They did not even know what I got or cared for it. I also never bothered to talk to them about this stuff. I think like all middle class households, their attitude was – sure – but if you don’t study you are nothing dude. Your marks counts and not all these extras. Forget that.

So it was Jasmine and my teachers that I decided to thank. But from now on, what happens does not count. Jasmine and teachers is what I knew made my life. Right now also teachers who came into my life and taught me stuff that I know and apply are the ones who have made the difference beside Jasmine. As a trainee working in 20^th Century Fox, I met Aditya Shastri who was my mentor and guide. My first brush with management teaching, marketing teaching. Then came Dharen Chaddha, and now it largely my ED who is C Jayaram who I use as my guiding force; and not to forget my cricket captain Arun

But coming back to Jasmine. She never guided me, never pushed me, never really asked too much of me. But she just acted like a rock, giving stability to my otherwise floating life. I might have easily floated away and frittered away my life. She anchored it in a way I cannot describe. Sure we have our fights and sure we have our disagreements. But they come from the fact that I am a dreamer, a floater and she is the ROCK.

What happened next did not bother as now I was in complete control of my dream. The excitement woke me and I was only thinking about winning. My eyes were closed but dream had moved from dream to active fantasy. I won but I thought it was a little empty. Tilll now I was in partial control of my dream, the winning – I was in full control. It wasn’t the magic of a dream anymore. I did not even bother about the speech. I stopped dreaming and I woke up. Its such a pity. This was a really exciting dream.

In post mortem, I realize I dreamt about my real ambition. To be an actor that can make people laugh. Don’t I play that part in office? I surely do that. And I dreamt about the two anchors in my life. Funnily Jispa did not make her presence in the dream. Possibly this was college days and she wasn’t even born. But I still wonder. She is an anchor and she contributes to me but I guess not in the same way as Jasmine and my teachers. It’s a different contribution.

I also remember thinking that I love Jasmine so much. Sometimes I tell Jasmine that I don’t think I can love anyone else ever. I was telling her that sometimes I think, suppose something happens and I were to lose her or something, and if I were to marry again. I might marry but I wont ever be able to love anyone in the same way. The Rock that she replies ‘never say never’. Hah!

I care for a lot of people. In office and outside. A lot of genuine care and loving. I end up being good friends and almost in love with people. But I can never ever be in ‘love’ again I feel. 21 odd years and it can’t be replaced. Possibly a different space in my heart, but not love. Not the way Jasmine and I feel and share.

It’s difficult to explain this. Difficult to understand this, but all know is that - I love my ROCK. I was lucky to have found my rock and latch on to it. It’s been an amazing story as far as I am concerned. And I am so happy that even in my dreams I know of it.

And the contribution of the various teachers who have come and gone, helping me along the way.

What would I have been, done or achieved without them? I would have merely floated … floated and frittered away.

What a special dream. I duuno if I will forget this or remember this, but it moved me enough to get up and write about it immediately. This is really fresh post.

dream a little dream

My method of teaching Jispa to combat nightmares is giving me nightmares. As I have earlier blogged, all I do is change the channel. Basically I can change my dreams at will. If the nightmare is getting to me I invent an interesting way to get off it. So when Jispa was first having nightmares I told her that you can simply change it.
So now she thinks about solving her nightmares. Yesterday night after a long time she came and woke me up in the middle of the night. “Dad” pat pat pat.. She had to get me to wake up. “Dad, I need to solve this bad dream”. Oh ok. It was a chase kind of sequence. A ha. I was lucky that’s the easy one. If someone is chasing you and you want to get away, all you have to do is think up some real easy thing – like a rope can appear from anywhere taking you out, or you can cross some river which they cant or something. It’s pretty simple. Some one can give you a magic potion that can turn them into something more benign. The chase ones are pretty cool. It all depends on the settings. Are you watching a sci-fi or an urban setting or a fantasy? There is always a lovely creative way out.
Jispa interestingly sees it or has interpreted it as ‘solving’ the bad dream. She looks for a solution to the dream. I am not sure if like me she can merely put the solution on the dream itself seamlessly. I think she has break it to solve it and bang its gone.
The tough ones for me are the abstract dreams, which give you the scare like nightmares. They … I don’t know… I think they kind of keep the heart rate up and tense your brain a bit. But all you dream is patterns, these repeating patterns create some kind of tension. It’s something I have had since I was a kid. Now I rarely dream them. I normally get them when I am unwell. So on some nights, probably after Chinese food dinners or something similar, when I get them, I tend to like them. I keep dreaming them. It’s like paying money to watch a horror film. More like a thriller movie. It keeps you on the edge. It’s kind of weird. These dreams I can’t will to happen but when they do I seize the moment. What I find funny is that as I write this blog I realise that I do all this in my sleep.
My wife finds all this pretty funny. She knows I am nuts in any case. This is one more proof. Both my sister and I can change dream channels. And my brother claims that he gets no dreams at all. What a weird family.
A ha… one dream I cannot change is being ill prepared for an exam. That one requires me to get up and remind my self that I need give those exams any more. I need to be semi awake and get my reassurance from my memory. Schooling has me permanently scarred. I don’t know how much else it gave me.
Yesterday I was speaking to a good friend. She was teaching her child to write while she was talking to me. The child was just a little under four. She was getting him to do home work. What shit? Home work for a 4 year old. that too on writing numbers. She was going nuts. I kept telling in the entire conversation to back off. She was like ‘the school is putting too much pressure. He needs to do this home work. It was to be submitted tomorrow. You don’t know. Tomorrow if he fails every one will ask me. And on and on.’ Poor thing. I know her. She is not like that as a person. It’s the school that made her so. It is the school which is putting the pressure on the mother to bring out the kali in her. At the end I left the argument with a simple advice. Do what you want to do and what you believe in. Please do not let the school do what you think you must not. You choose and try and keep the school out of your sphere of influence. That’s all. The penny sunk. She said yes. Wow. My day was made.
I try my best to think of my values, my thought process, and my beliefs. I try not to let the school, the peer and the others get in the way. Sure I am open to stimuli, but then that’s that… stimuli. It is easier said than done. You struggle all the time. You don’t know most of the time why you have acted. I try and keep centred when I am in trouble or in conflict while parenting. It is bloody difficult. But I know I must. I have to. I don’t want to give someone nightmares. No way.

deep desires

Yesterday I lived one more childhood ambition. Slowly slowly I have been fulfilling some of my childhood dreams. One by one. Not that they have driven me to perform or do something but they seem to be giving me quite satisfaction one by one. Very small things to large things. Like once it was owning a car, or a house or some land in the woods or nice sandals or decent low fork denims etc. So it’s not about money or anything, it’s more about what I might have eyed as a kid or hoped to enjoy while growing up.
One of the things that I had eyed and slowly inched towards getting there is sunglasses. I always wanted nice light sunglasses. First when I started working I tried buying sunglasses of the road. These were for around 200 bucks. They weren’t that great and they probably did my eyes more harm than good. After that I have bought some more glasses and have always stayed at the lower end of the spectrum. At best a fast track one at around a grand or so. But I always felt the need for a good sporty one.
Some time back my wife was shopping for one and I got her to buy a nice Ray bans. At the time I thought they were shit expensive and wow that was a kind of birthday gift for her. Her raved about it for a long time. She loved them. Slowly I came about to eth notion that you really need to pay top dollar to get good glares and the ones I was buying weren’t really good enough. So she convinced me to buy a pair of Ray bans. This was I think about a year ago. Sure enough at 5k it made me think and think and think. But with a bit of prodding from wife I managed to buy them. I genuinely have a problem spending money. Especially for what I perceive as simple brand value (read tag value). What’s so good that I must pay top dollar. Its just a marketing gimmick. That’s partly the reason why I bought my first full price denim from a non sale from a reputed brand a month back. It was a Wrangler. Otherwise I saw no point in them. Especially since I always got mine custom stitched at a hideaway tailor I know. And at 25% of the branded price. I guess I am and always will remain a bit cheap.
So coming back to the ray bans. Yup they got me my first decent glares but they did not fulfil my deep desire to have nice light weight sporty and cool glares. Also they showed me the fun of wearing nice glares. I really love the clarity that my Raybans give me. I am totally in love with the brand. But there is one issue. With a metal frame and glass lens they are a bit heavy and I feel the weight on my nose. So I have been contemplating fulfilling my desire of buying a light weight sporty “expensive” glares.
Yesterday we walked into our trusted neighbourhood store and saw the range on offer. Here you are my latest acquisition – the hep new and happening glares. They are perfect for me. Nice and light and pretty cool on the tech side as well. It’s funny that I did not realise that I was fulfilling my childhood desire of owning one like these until I actually ended up owning them. I like such stuff. they don’t give you stress as you forget that you actually desired them, but when you do get them you realise that a small tick mark is made against your bucket list, as it were. Hah!According to me they cost a bomb at 7K, and I sure hope that I can find enough reason to justify them. The rationale being that they are better than Oakleys but cheaper and more durable? If you need to read more about them and help me justify the same here is the link

dream a little dream for me

Jispa woke me up early morning. Poor thing. She was getting bad dreams. Cute cute Bingo, the dog she feeds every morning was biting her. Oh ohhh… that is bad. So I took her back to her bed. Comforted her a bit. Clearly she didn’t like the dream. I was telling her a bad dream is just that … a bad dream.”why don’t you just change your dream. Think that bingo is no longer biting you but petting you” I can change my dreams, so I was hoping she can too. “why do we get bad dreams?” she asks. “Well...” answering that question at 2 a.m. is a little tough. “sometimes when you are thinking too much, and you think of something bad happening, then you think that in your dream. Then you get bad dreams. It’s just your brain thinking.” “I got it. When you are thinking at night it is a dream. In the morning when you are thinking it is thinking”. “ya……goodnight Jispa” “good night dad, thank you papa”. I never knew being woken up at 2 am would be such a light feeling!

I dont know how to upload only MP3's hence the you tube videos. ignore the video bit just listen....



and then this one. one dedicated to Jasmine and one to Jispa :)




Another year another annual results for the employees. Me thinks it getting to be a bore but its always head bloating when you get tons of appreciative mail and when I put in subliminal stuff that only I can understand. Faltu kinky happiness I get. I get special kicks when people take it seriously. I turn this stuff around in an hour max. What does it take to write nonsense? And this time around I even drew the images in it.

rediscovery of emotions

Years ago, eons ago… when I was in school I read the knowledge bank series. There I remember reading about dreams and rapid eye movement. It was very interesting. Today morning I was just looking at Jispa sleeping. She was sleeping peacefully. But her eyeballs were moving inside her closed eyelids. Left right, up down. She was dreaming. I don’t know why, but it was a pretty sight. Just knowing that your child is dreaming is such a lovely thing. Hope fully they weren’t nightmares.

Yesterday I was on a word understanding spree. I was understanding the real meaning of the word Catharsis - A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit. I was speaking about this to Satarupa (a friend from Kolkata), she gave me one more word, Epiphany - As a feeling, an epiphany is a sudden realisation or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something. The term is used in either a philosophical or literal sense to signify that the claimant has "found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture," or has new information or experience, often insignificant by itself, that illuminates a deeper or numinous foundational frame of reference.
Lovely words, if one understands the depth of their meanings. Good fun.