breathe easy kid

Yesterday Jispa wanted to talk to us regarding her education and the colleges she wanted to take admission in after finishing her 12^th here. As parents this has been a reasonably tough ordeal. Understanding which colleges are good and which ones are not so.  Which subjects she wants to take up and which subject she wants to graduate in.

This is obviously so new for us. The expenses are tremendous and could potentially destroy the family budget and a few years ago, I had no clue how I would ever be able to even afford something like this. We thought a lot about it, and I have had such swinging opinions on this. When the discussion first came up, I was clear. There would be an ROI attached to this. I would give / rather loan her the money and then she would have to return it back to her mom in some way over the years.

I was clear at the time. going abroad was no small thing. It was meant to be a big investment. I would only allow it if it was the big universities that I could name. I would only allow US. It would only be if she is take up a STEM stream or a medicine or something in which she would be able to rise and make a mark for herself and such. I wasn’t going to spend that money on small education.

Over these years we have grown much smarter about the process and the whole big decision. So when yesterday she asked us that she needs to speak to us, we were much prepared. Jasmine and I have had so many conversations on this. It helped us clear our minds and take a bit of a relaxed approach. Having a sensible conversation with her school counsellor helped as did taking to sensible people who have done the same before.

Yesterday while talking to her we laid out the rules. Number 1 – go study but study what you want to and what you feel most passionate about. If sports science is right now your passion, then sports science is what you should do. Go and study sports science. Don’t bother about your job, your pay, your prospects. Follow the love of your life. If today I had to live my life again, I would have studied History and Anthropology. I would have never done commerce and accounting. Whatst he worst that would happen? You will come back to India. You are better than 99.9% Indians and I cant vouch for that. You will do well for sure. Suppose you come here, you can work with lots of aspiring atheletes and work with them and take them to the next level. Sure the monies wont be that great and that you will have to live with your parents for a bit but who says that you would not be successful. Once Jasmine’s uncle gave me a piece of advice that I did not pay heed to but I now agree. Naukari – no kari. It means  - job – never do.

He said that he ate bananas for lunch but he refused to take up a job. He set up his own business. I think if I would have set up my own business, I surely would have been successful in whatever I would have done over a period of time. I could have been successful as a 22 year old starting off or a 30 year old or a 40 year old. I am betting that I will be a successful 50 year old man as well when I start. Right now, I have ideas buzzing but I am not pushing for them as I can’t afford it.

As a businessperson when I was young, I couldn’t fail and that meant I could not start. That’s why I started working on a job and a corporate career. For you, you don’t have that silly thing holding you back. You can start slow, do what you love. You don’t have to be independent. DO whatever you love and if you are smart you will be successful. It may take time, but you will get there soon enough. If its what you love you won’t bother.

What’s the worst that can happen. You come back to India and you do an MBA. You follow my footsteps and get a job in India. That’s also not so bad. You can start your life this way. Who cares. You just might have to stay in my house longer than you care for. That’s it. So when you are choosing your college – take the subject you want and see if they offer it. Go to the UK, Canada, US or Australia but please do what you want and try for the best school that will offer you that specialisation. After that – you hate your subject – change it. But please study what you want to and not what you have to. I don’t need your money. I need you to be happy.

That was quite a speech. Its amazing how my attitudes changed. I just want her to study well in the field that she chooses. I think that if you do that, you will enjoy the rest of your life. I was lucky I found marketing in my life later. I think I was good at this and I kind of love what I do. Its fun.

These days I am in charge of a sales team directly and I am trying to get them to run. Trying to understand the complexities and giving them the ammunition to attack. Its going to be fun.

This is when work doesn’t feel like work. It feels more fun. That keeps me going. I can take more shit around the work and the people that come with it. Because its fun and you can escape all that by working on more fun things to be done while working. That’s what I love.

Coming to which I came across a term called email apnea. It seems that people stop breathing or have shallow breaths when answering emails or texts. That’s right. This is a scientific thing. “Salzberg talked about email apnea (or screen apnea), a finding by Linda Stone, a writer, researcher, and former executive at Apple and Microsoft . Stone noticed that a majority of people (possibly eighty percent) unconsciously hold their breath, or breathe shallowly, when responding to email or texting.”

“…that holding one’s breath contributes to stress-related diseases and disturbs the body’s balance of oxygen, carbon dioxide, and nitric oxide, which help keep the immune system strong, fight infection, and mediate inflammation. It can affect our well-being and our ability to work effectively. Shallow breathing can also trigger a sympathetic nervous system “fight or flight” response. If we stay in this state of emergency breathing and hyperarousal for extended periods of time, it can not only impact sleep, memory, and learning, but also exacerbate anxiety and depression.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-art-now/201411/email-apnea

This is serious. I see this in myself. I have to try and control this. This also happens while TEXTING. I think we need to breathe a lot more while working. I need to breathe while thinking, talking and working in general. Luckily I have this condition that any stress reflects in my lower back and it starts acting up. I have learnt to immediately start breathing and it goes away. Remember to breathe.

After the chat with Jispa, I was so happy and proud of what Jasmine and I had become as parents. We could finally allow Jispa’s wings to pop out unfettered. It was just beautiful. I could say what I could because we have had so many conversations on this. Quite bedside conversations on what on earth would we do? How we would go about this?

Only by having innumerable conversations, our heads turned from the transnational nature of what we were thinking to the more core learning nature of her education. Study for study sake. Because  you love the subject you should study more of it. That simple. The joy of learning.

This has helped us breathe more. And will help us breathe in easy in the future.

we are what we ... eat, sleep, see, talk

i am a big believer of experiences. Experiences teach more to people than anything else. these experiences over a period of time define who you are and what you think. Of course you must be open to learning from all experiences. The positive ones teach you stuff and the negative ones teach you stuff. Everything is designed to teach you as long as you are open to learn from it. 

This weekend we came from a long Diwali weekend break. We had straight five days of holidays. We made the most of it. Jasper was in camp at Japaloupe. She has been there once before. they teach horse ridging there and they have a whale a time. So Jasmine and me were virtually free for the week. the first couple of days we went to my friends house in Pune and from then on to spend three nights at the Hilton property at Shillim, near Lonavala. 

The Hilton property is a 5 star deluxe one. I had been there once before with office guys for an offsite. Th place is crazy expensive and definitely doesn't justify the price in my head. But Jasmine’s brother had bought a large number of nights in advance and was going to have a lot of them unused, so we made a plan and we went there with Jasmine’s family. Free stay at the Hilton was always welcome. On the last day we had to go to pick Jispa from the camp and then get her to stay with us for one night. While travelling as a family we have always stayed in simpler places. I think as technology and internet has advanced the price of interesting places where you stay has actually gone down. We now probably stay cheaper than ever - some times in inflation adjusted terms or sometimes in absolute terms. We never stay at the 5 star properties. So sometimes I feel that as a family i should be taking Jispa to a few five stars. Sh should not grown up in awe of them or not knowing how to behave in them. She must be used to all types of stay options, from a 300 buck home stay to  a 250$ star rated property. So I happily took up the option when my brother in law proposed the same to me.

There at first i wondered when he did not take the all meals option. There is no other place nearby to eat. its a huge property, in fact its so huge that you order for cars to take you to the dining area and back to the room. there is no way you are going anywhere else for meals. He turned out to be right. If you take the all meals package you end up eating at the buffet all the time at the cost of Rs2,500 a head. Its way too expensive and most of the time you don’t want lunch after your late and heavy breakfast. Then for dinner you have a choice of eating elsewhere and not at the buffet. They have two other place you can go to eat. One place that was described in their brochure caught my eye - The Green Table. this was connected to the spa and was billed as an organic restaurant. Jasmine’s brother had been to Hilton many times but never went there as once it was closed for some reason and then he did not get a good review. I knew enough to know that in many ways our tastes in restaurants and experiences don't match up. i always like new and different experiences - and he tends to like the predictable and consistent experiences. I would never ever book a  large number of nights in one place to start with. So I had told Jasmine that we should try the place.

I didn't bother so much about it as I was happy where the family was but on the last day, Jasmine decided ot bring that up as an option for dinner. only my nephew agreed and hence Jasmine, Jispa and my nephew decided to eat there. When we reached there the menu seems extremely exotic and we wondered if we would like it. The kids tried ordering while i was talking to the chef for my vegan food orders. I asked him if the portions were enough for one of two and then i learned that restaurant was a Fine Dine concept. One portion was enough for one. Oops. Then i ordered my stuff and then turned to the kids. The kids wanted to order soup as one by two. one by two is a lovely Indian concept. you order soup typically One by two. You order one soup and they then split it into two bowls. This is good for most restaurants including the high end ones. When they tried it here, they were politely refused. Hah! then i explained the fine dine concept to them.

I have had dinner once before at a Fine Dine. You go in and order your meals by the courses. I had eaten at the Zodiac Grill at the Taj. This was as fine dine as you could get. This was when one team at the Wealth management office where I was, had done a large deal for a mutual fund. I was the chief negotiator for the firm and I got them a dinner at the Zodiac Grill. The mutual fund team invited me as well and I got  taste of the Fine Dine experience and I remember it till now. It is a bit of a lovely experience. Also the food is so well plated and decorated that you like to just look at it. Then the flavours - these flavours are cooke din to give a bit of surprise and nothing is done to overwhelm the taste buds. A little salt here and a little sauce there and just a hint of a single type of flavour not messing with the others.

So here also the fine dine was absolutely exquisite. It was a great experience. The tiny portions, no strong over powering flavours, the amazing textures, the palate cleansers… My nephew and Jispa had a whale of a time. Jasmine who at the start was not so sure of the place too enjoyed the food. We have the money now but going and spending so much at a restaurant never did hold that much of an attraction for Jasmine and me. First spending money is an issue and then eating is an issue - we don't really enjoy eating that much and then spending so much money to EAT! Woha, thats too much. So this was a good opportunity. Lady luck beens good to me these days, i have a little spare money and the holiday was free so i could spend on the food.

What i was amazed at is that Jispa could also appreciate the food. For a kids these days that are burgers and pizzas fanatic who cant chew, fine dine is a bit of a concept. But Jispa enjoyed it and we ended up discussing and sharing plates and morsels with each other. taste this - taste that… Did you get this taste, isn't this quite interesting - blah blah… We went on and on. The vegan stuff was also good. The waiter told us that i was the second vegan patron there. The first vegan there was - guess who - Aamir Khan (bollywood actor). So they knew exactly what to serve. they even whipped up  mousse kind of desert from hazelnut paste and peanut butter which was amazing. The experience was something to savour. food can get interesting if you know how to appreciate it.

Of late I have begun to understand food to some extent. I think people in general are getting better with food thanks to Masterchef, but i think i have begun to get a greater understanding of it after i turned vegan. Now i smell food, see it, taste it, try and decipher the flavours etc. Its an interesting journey. I am trying to understand this better. the texture as well. Jispa and me have started having these conversations on the table at restaurants. I think none of us will ever become a foodie but and live to eat but i think its interesting to understand food and be able to appreciate it. You go across the world  and food is something you can appreciate. Like the last time i travelled on research - i tried food everywhere. I have actually trained myself to understand it, like it, appreciate it… and sorry about this - learn from it. Someday i would love to talk to a food historian. We are what we eat!

what you see is what you dont

You see the wiring inside the block that I am holding. Those are the Led lights. They are not there. I mean you see them but they do not exist. Confused? Welcome to office systems, processes and politics.

I like this as a telling example of what shit goes around in offices. When this office was being made the business head came to me to design something interesting as the name plate for the office. So I suggested metal cut letters ona wooden background. Then the business head wanted something even more interesting – so I suggested that we put LED lights under the letters and then allow for a teeny space between the letters and the wood so that they have a background glow. Whatever the business head wants – we give – no matter how ugly or kitsch it may be.

But the admin guy forgot to tell the carpenter that Led lights will be there and therefore he did not keep a provision for the lights and hence the electric connection. The option was to have a new veneer or have a cut in the existing veneer. The new option was expensive and the cut was ugly so we abandoned the light idea. But the admin guy did not tell the block guy so he delivered the blocks with the lights. So now we have the blocks with the lights but no connection to switch on the lights. When the bill came up for processing the admin guy refused to pass the bill with the lights. He reasoning was simple – if the bill ever came up for question, somebody would ask – where  are the lights – please switch them on and he would be unable to do so. So the lights as far as he was concerned were not there. So he passes the bill without the lights. The poor vendor wonders – I did as I was told. But finally he was not paid. Of course he was a regular vendor and he will manage and will make his money from somewhere or the other but the moot point being – the lights are not there. So what you see is a figment of your imagination – because can the lights be turned on? NO. Are they reflecting in the books? NO. Did we pay for them? NO? Nothing. The curious case of the presence of the invisible lights.

Office cultures are crazy, notorious and difficult. It takes a lot of expertise to navigate through this maze. Some manage it beautifully well. They know which side the bread is buttered and act accordingly. It’s crazy what happens. People will have lunch with eth boss, go home with the boss, inform and snitch on colleagues with the boss. I have always refrained from snitching on colleagues. It’s an old trick that some bosses use to fester a climate of ill will and hate. They turn one colleague onto another and ensure a network of spies. When I was much younger I was sucked into this, now I know better. I stay clear from these things and don’t let myself get dragged into this mess.

The mess intensifies the further you are away from home. So if you are someone who has migrated and depend heavily on this job – the fight and the insecurity gets even more nasty. That’s why I guess when Indians go aborad they get very very bitchy and competitive. They don’t have an option. I have learnt that about me as well. When I am secure and that I have another offer, I play well, I play fearlessly and the decisions taken are from a position of strength. They are invariably the right ones. One is able to better play and handle situations correctly. Sometimes I feel that is the one advantage the moderately rich kids have over the lesser kids. When I was starting off in life – it was tough and I had to make it. I was married at a young age and failing was not an option. Life strangled me. The other time was when I had a massive EMI. At the time also risk taking was a non-option. Those are the worst days of office life. Office life is bearable and equally good or bad at all times. Assuming of course we are talking about the same office. Different offices have different levels of politics. But in the same office most of the time the environment is the same. The difference is our ability to control or withstand it. We can better cope if we have options outside. If you are a skill set in demand and you know there is always an option for you – you don’t face these issues. But if you are forced to the wall, you are going to play the bitch!

The only way to constantly have an option is to be a liability light person with adequate investments and most important – constantly upgrade your skill sets. If you have skills sets that are in demand then you have the constant confidence to do better. These come by constantly being paranoid about new things and having a yearning to constantly upgrade. Only if you upgrade will you be able to have the confidence to move and hence the confidence to stay: Opposites reconciling?

small buckets of life?

In many free advice blogs on the internet – one common one along with travel is – learn a new skill. So what if you are 40! Well I am not yet 40 but I still have it in me to learn a new skill. And as I always say at 40 – its your brains doing the skilling!

Jispa wanted a wave board this vacation. She said she was reasonably good at it and she wanted to enjoy the wave board. Sure. Her friends have it too and Jispa learnt to balance with it at her friends place. Interesting! Skate boards are largely a guy thing but these wave boards seem largely unaffected by gender. When I was in dubai, dad had got us one pair of roller skates. I think these were meant for my sister but one between all three of us was enough. I skated in them. My dad supported me when I started skating. I remember skating the most when we moved back from Dubai and for one vacation we went to Abu Dhabhi, were dad took up another job for a year. There, a promenade was made at the sea side called the Corniche, which was great for skating. I would skate a lot. I practically learnt to skate there.  One incident I especially remember; I slipped and I was about to fall on my bum and one foreigner who was running right behind me caught me in an attempt to protect himself. He too was taken by surprise. I do remember that those days I really enjoyed myself. What was it about having wheels on legs that made me feel really nice, I don’t know, but it was amazing.

Jispa too never asks us for too many things. She is largely a satisfied girl. So when she asked for a wave board I was more than happy to oblige. I told her we would get one before her vacations start and sure enough, we bought one just in time for her vacations. She tried it at the store. The sales guys corrected her a bit as she had problems starting off. He said ‘put your front foot forward first and then you can take off without support’. Jispa needed support in terms of a rail or a hand to start off.

We got it home and Jispa has been fooling around with it at home. Lying around the house – I too tried to ride it. The wave board is an interesting piece of invention. Unlike a skate board you have only two wheels. One in front and one behind. It very cleverly uses the twisting of the board to somehow convert that motion into forward motion and propels you ahead. It’s a nice one. So I climbed onto it at home with support. Then I did something that I am proud of – i just suddenly decided in my head that I have to start without help. You simply put the front foot forward and step onto the wave board. Of course – this is a two wheel thing – it can only be stable if you are moving. So you just step onto it pushing it forward and get your second leg on – there- -ho gaya. I knew something even Jispa didn’t.

Yesterday I took Jispa to the garden to try her waveboarding skills. It was pretty cool. I told her how she needs to simply trust herself and walk onto the board. That’s it. Its like a cycle. You need to be in motion to be stable. And she managed pretty soon pretty well. She was skating all over the palce. The paver blocks are a pain in the compound and the tar has too much gravel that’s not been swept. Luckily I remembered one part of the garden, which was supposed to be a water body with a  water fall. Obviously these things are not what gets maintained in India. The pond was dry as a bone and this stupid pond was all cemented making it a perfect thing for waveboards. Smooth and with slopes on the sides, making it fun to approach and learn as well.

Then shen she was a bit tired – I tried my hand (or leg) at it. I am really scared of the dam thing. Not so much at failing or falling, but I am shit scared of my knee. So I cant put my right knee forward. I put my left knee in front and then I take off – confidently. Confidence in the mind is the key to take off. The problem is the twisting motion. I just cant get that right. That is bloody difficult. I kept trying and kept trying. Jispa tried helping. I fell off every single time. rather – I had to step off. Only once I fell hard on my butt, but I picked up and started again. Am I proud – at 39 years – doing this fearlessly – I was proud. At the end – I did manage to get the hang of it for a few meters. The twisting motion is still proving difficult. I have to get that one. I managed in the end to twist myself to a few more meters, but is still difficult when the initial momentum wears off.

So now I hope in this vacation – I learn to play with this waveboard. The greatest joy will be just stepping up on the waveboard in front of others – especially in a shop – where they are only expecting young ones to know this. I haven’t seen anyone my age knowing how to ride this stuff. That will set a few guys wondering on how the hell has he managed to pull off this stunt. Hah! Lets see.

There are a few things on the sports thing I still have to learn:

1 – wave boarding

2 – learning the tumble turn in swimming

3 – tennis – basic level and serve

It’s like a simple bucket list – but I am satisfied from it for now. Lets see how long I take to figure these.

little big dreams

It’s been a really uphill struggle to remain fit and fighting. My bad right knee keeps getting dislocated at the slightest stress. I strap it heavily to play badminton and yet in some vague situations, snap it goes. Now I am used to the drill, it will dislocate and then I will fall and then I will be in grave pain while I straighten my knee and snap, straightening it will get it into place and I can be normal again. But I still wont be able to run hard.

Its seriously my worst nightmare coming true. One of my recurring nightmares has been that I can’t run, a train is running away and I can’t run fast enough to catch it. This nightmare is something that I am living. Running and turning fast and long has been very important to me. And that has stopped. But I am surprised at myself. I have adapted very well. I started badminton instead of squash. It’s easier on the knees and I swim, that’s easiest on them.

Last week, I played a cricket tournament in my colony. I was in the team on reputation I guess. The senior pro who talks like he knows it all. I am still good on the field as a thinker. I may be a better player thinking through the game. I resisted from giving too many comments upfront, but when we lost one match and every one blamed it on bowling, I stood apart and explained how we lost it on batting. We overhauled the batting order and style and smashed through the next couple of games. I was sent in early, in spite of me explaining that I can’t run. I smashed one straight six off the ground and established my reputation. The next match I then destroyed my reputation. Well, almost. I am done with cricket. I dislocated my knee playing a shot, not even running. I retired never to bat again. And my back is sore form the wicket keeping I had to do. That was the only spot available to fielders who can’t run. So now after giving away my kit, I even gave away my bat. Only if it stays out will I not be tempted to play again. I loved my bat. My daughter was asking me if it was my lucky bat. No, I don’t believe in lucky bats but I did have a bat with an amazing balance, weight and power. I have hit a six over covers with that bat. But I knew I had to give it away. Its time. I explained to Jispa that when I was younger – around 25 yrs old, I always wished I had a great bat. Now I have a friend who is that young and plays cricket and he deserves a bat that is this good. What will it do in my house. Let him use it and let him get what I didn’t.

I am happy. I may have gotten old and crippled but I haven’t lost my touch with my emotions. I am happy that I have the heart to give away my equipment while they are still in good condition. And truly give them away, without having any condition attached to them. The only condition I attached to the bat was that – please love it. Respect it. I need not have said it. The boy who took it really loved it and was excited by it. NICE. It’s nice to see such joy. I know what I might have felt to get such a fantastic bat.

So here I am retiring almost from all forms of the game. I am not even fit to play colony cricket. For now atleast. It’s time to swim I guess. Swim and make your muscles. I can’t stay away from a sport. I can’t become round and happy. I have to remain straight and fit.

In swimming I learnt all the four strokes, though not all proficiently… but I know them. Only one thing remains – the tumble turn. Jispa is after me to learn it from her. I hate it as whenever I try it, I lose all orientation and water enters my nose giving me a fizzy head. But I have to try it, once that’s done, a big dream will be done. And what better way to fulfill your dream than having your daughter helping you along the way.