opposites reconcile in faith as well

One of the things I learnt in life is that people have opinions. I have opinions, people have them and everyone has different degrees of strength in their opinions. The truth and the strength of the opinion is generally inversely proportionate. That is a happy home truth. If you come from the premise (where I come from) that all truth is relative then all statements are opinions, because all of what you say is dependent on the truth you know or have been taught. The best amongst us understand that and hence always temper their opinions. They understand that and hence qualify their statements as opinions. This has been one of the biggest learnings in my life – that no one really knows anything and that you have to sit there and try it and understand it to really know what you think you know. That too is the truth relevant at that point of time, till better data or more data or a better understanding of data changes it. Why am I spewing this shit? I had a nice experience recently that made me laugh at myself. I too am quite a joker, but the only hope I have is that I am admitting to this paradoxical behavior in myself.

So – I was going through some professional crisis. It was quite painful and in the flux of it all, it was taking some amount of time for me to reinvent myself. But just as the crisis was hitting its peak, something stupid happened.

A week ago, in the morning I took Jispa to the pool and then went to play Badminton. When I was about to leave after the game at the gymkhana I realized that I couldn’t find my wallet. I did remember distinctly taking it but, for some reason, I couldn’t find it. I searched around at the court and then at the reception, where I sit in the morning and all the way to the car. I checked the Gymkhana records – I hadn’t swiped my card at the reception and hence possibly I did not get it today morning. So, then I went home, hoping that I left it somewhere there. When at home I couldn’t find it, I was seriously disturbed. Seriously.

Losing a wallet is not that disturbing as is it being the last straw breaking what was already a shitty week, mentally. I couldn’t get any lower. And that’s when the question of faith always hits me.

I was brought up a Hindu Jain (that in itself is a paradox) and I grew to be an atheist. It took some amount of real mind work from my side to stop believing that there is a God. The process took over 20 odd years. From the time I stopped asking God for favors to the time I actively stopped believing in him. It’s been an interesting story. As a father, I have taken some decisions and Jispa doesn’t know God. She had a conversation recently with her teacher on using the lowercase G for writing god in her essay and he teacher corrected her. While on one hand as a father I have been extremely proud of this, a small little voice inside of me is wondering – what happens when shit will hit the roof? Whom will she turn to. Man created God to explain the wondrous nature and the stroke of luck that we encounter while we get on with our life. It explains the unexplainable. When things happen without much explanation, a supreme power is always the best to explain it all. It becomes easier to handle.

The ancient philosophy versus the scientific philosophy to my mind is centered behind this conundrum. Science teaches us to think through and understand cause and effect. Everything can be explained but only the explanations haven’t been found out yet. The counter is simple – at the core itself, life is unexplainable and hence what meaning are you searching for.

My understanding of Jainism at its core is - forget all this – find harmony in your life as part of a greater eco system without wondering about cause and effect.

Cause and effect in science is explainable through experiments and in religion through God.

So when shit hits the roof, as it well; when unexplained phenomena happens with you as the only sufferer, when despair is all around and when you are alone; where will you find reserve and resolve? Will you find it inside of you or do you need someone outside looking at you and telling you, that you can do it, escape it, solve it, manage it, sleep through it?

I have had a childhood corrupted by faith. Like the songs of the 80’s and Amitabh Bachchan who cannot be removed from my psyche, no matter how much I try, so cannot be faith. I haven’t had a life changing moment that cancelled my faith. It has been a slowly drip murder. Funnily enough, this means that my faith is never really dead, but is merely sleeping. Waiting to pounce on my weak moments, helping me fight back. I seriously wonder what will Jispa do. In ten years time, I would like to talk to her on this topic more than anything else, and then 20 years hence and then on my death bed. What is a life, untarnished by faith?

But coming back – I lost my wallet and I was pissed as hell. I conversed once with god (small G) and asked what the hell man? I immediately laughed and reminded myself that I am an atheist and there isn’t anyone to listen, dear boy. Then when I searched at home and I didn’t find it, I remembered my granny’s little mantra that helped her find stuff that was lost. She taught it to us as kids. I am going to share this mantra with you and its worked for me many times. So when you lose something and you want it you say “paan khagar badri wala, hun saath waar hehe karis, maari vastu madi jaay toh!” translation – Paan Khagar Badri Wala (some dude I think), I will do (say, enact whatever) “hehe” seven times, if I find my belonging. And yes – you guessed it right – this atheist and non believer and a ritual hater – said it to himself. I did it. And I smiled to myself. I believed in Paan Khagar Badri Wala while rejecting God (big G).

I stepped into the shower smiling at myself. I was amused by my own beliefs and fundamentals. While I was in the shower, the phone rang. I quickly wiped myself and ran out. I picked the phone and it was from the gymkhana – “sir, we found your wallet. It was stuck inside of the seat of the sofa.” Haha. Mr Badri Wala did not fail me, it so seems. I laughed at myself and did the next logical thing. The mantra bounds me to a promise that I have to do hehe, seven times as payback. Hence – I hehe’d seven times after this call. A promise is a promise.

I so laughed at myself. My faith had been tested and it came out victorious. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I wanted faith to lose but I wanted my wallet to be found. If I was scientific – I would have believed that the wallet would have been found in any case and if I had not conversed with god and Mr Badri wala, I would had greater faith in myself and in our people’s honesty to return wallets; and if I was a man of faith, it would have made it only stronger.

The fact is that the answer is far more complex. I myself don’t know what a man I am. I am a man made of faith but run on logic; or as I write it – I am made of logic but run on faith. Oh dear me. I will never know what I truly am; the experiment is forever vitiated.

But Jispa should be a classic case here. Will see ‘hehe’ seven times when she wants her belongings found? Will she simply shrug off bad luck as what it is – luck. Will she attribute her success to her as that  what it possibly is – luck. The luck of draw that creates an envrironment around you and infuses you with a gene pool conducive to making it work for you. Sure, I am being very pessimistic here and attributing luck to most things. Surely your own ability calls for some credit but then I would give both sides ability then – good and bad things happen thanks to your ability. I am happy with that.

But after all this – I was so happy with myself. I found myself acting so silly and so full of faith. I loved the contradictions in myself. The seeming opposites stayed alive in one brain at the same time. Your initial growth and upbringing is vital but not necessarily an unshakeable attribute as you grow. But as you grow and learn new things, you don’t really forget the old things. Together as they forge in your head, they sometimes create an interesting mish mash of attitudes and beliefs. These obviously work seamlessly in your head. You don’t see contradictions in any of them but to the outsider who uses his own logic finds them stupid and counter intuitive. How many times, I must have got frustrated with people who seemingly create contradictory eco systems in their heads and it drives others up the wall. The big lesson for me to learn here is that which I said as I started the blog – opposites reconcile.

tiny steps

Today morning while Jasmine was dropping Jispa off to school, she called me. Jispa has a question “is religion compulsory? Like is it compulsory to have a religion or in an official form you can leave it blank?”. Hmm interesting thought. “I dont know for sure, but I think its optional to have a religion, but many government forms and school forms don’t allow you to say ‘none’”. “but isn’t it my fundamental right to practice whatever religion I want; don’t we have that as a right?”. “well yes, you have but democratic society moves a little slow for this. See things move slowly. Earlier there was the ballot paper and people who dint want to vote for anyone, went and made two stamps on the paper, invalidating their vote. It was a form of protest in which they also got to the booth and ensured that no one cast a dummy vote on their behalf and they refused to choose amongst the crap. Once the electronic voting machines came in this was not possible and hence the NGOs lobbied for “none of the above”. So now you can press none of the above (NOTA) and exercise your right to vote for no one. Yes – right now, even if NOTA wins the majority, nothing will happen and the politician with the majority is still elected but slowly it will make an impact. It will embarrass people and who knows what this will entail in the future. Similarly, today on the Aadhar card, you can choose your sex as male, female or transgender. This is also a big thing in the long run. These are small steps for now that will have greater impact. Democratic society moves slow but it moves with the collective will of the people. Things today will have impact tomorrow. While you were always free to be an atheist, people happily just put in their father’s religion in the form. Now it will slowly change.” Then I remembered and recounted a story of a friend of mine who married inter caste and had a kid. They fought a lot with the authorities and left the religion on the birth certificate blank.

Read story here http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Repository/ml.asp?Ref=VE9JTS8yMDA5LzEyLzI3I0FyMDAxMDQ

Yes, democracy moves slowly and that is by design. It’s also something to do with collective will and conscience of the people. Jispa and I went to see the Guardians of the Galaxy 2. We now see super hero movies without torturing Jasmine. It’s been a great thing to have father daughter time outs watching these action movies. Before the movie starts in India, the national anthem is played. This has been a source of much dispute with the liberals objecting to this jingoism and some refusing to stand up. It is after all not mandatory to stand during the national anthem (its hugely controversial). This has issues with the law and the jealous jingots using force on the rationals. So before this movie – one guy was sitting down and he was obviously a foreigner. Jispa looked at me and spoke to me on that. I explained that “yup, you have a choice to stand or sit but yes, the rest of the populace will jam your happiness if you don’t. But more importantly, it is a question of collective conscience. I may not stand for the anthem but I also realize that I am in India and that this small act of sitting is disrespectful to my hosts. Yes, choose to sit that’s ok. But being insensitive about it in public is a bit of a wrong thing to do. Of course we shouldn’t be on our part too irritated about it. He should understand and we should as well. Intolerance towards people sitting is the worst.”

I don’t pray but I also respect that people believe in the stone that placed in the middle of the sanctum sanctorum and I must appreciate that. I must behave in line with the custom, if I choose to be a part of it. If not, I can exercise my choice and sit at home. Mere misguided rebelliousness if no use to society.

I think I have come a long way. When I was young, I wanted to join the army and fight for my country. Then I would stand anywhere, even alone, when the national anthem was being played. I hated local societies as local political shit shat. Today I have done a complete volte face. Now I am a non-believer in the concept of nation hood and a complete believer in local societies. The impact is greatest when local. Local societies can do much more to change their life and that of their progeny than what nation states can do. And that is granted to them by the construct of the law. Change happens in small things and in small steps. It takes the bearings of age to temper the brute of youth. Things are not what they seem and solutions are never what immediately occur to you. Multiple sides, angles and implications are required to understand the impact of anything. It takes effort and sometimes – inaction. Breathe.

Be happy

This weekend was an important date for Jispa. She had to swim in the Mumbai swim meet to qualify for the state meet. At first when I attended this meet, many years ago, I saw this meet as the apex meet for swimmers in Mumbai as they strove to get in to the next level. I remember the first time that Jispa qualified. It was the 50-meter freestyle race and I saw the race as she came in fourth. It was an awesome moment for us. I distinctly remember noticing that according to me she came in fifth but the race was very tight and the line judge adjudicated that Jispa came fourth. That was great joyous moment for me. It also meant that Jispa would be representing Mumbai at the relay race and that would mean that a state level Gold was in the kitty. They had an awesome team. Three from that quartet have long given up on swimming since then.

When we put Jispa into swim, we did not realise what we were in for. As a family, I insisted that we live the gymkhana life. I fought and insisted that we take the Matunga Gymkhana membership and finally when we had enough money for it, I went and paid up. For a year we did not use the membership after we got it. Then we went to the gym and understood the sports on offer for the child and badminton seemed to be the perfect fit. Swimming was taken on as an essential life skill for which she was enrolled. She then took that up and now that became her biggest goal in her life and has defined a lot of what she now does.

Jispa has been a good swimmer but has never been able to become a great swimmer. I think sometimes great swimmers are just born. They know how to feel the water and how to remain stream lined while pulling through or kicking through. Most importantly they understand their body and the body responds to instructions. Jispa has been disastrous to teach anything. I have tried to teach her to run but she will over correct and she will then start using her own brain, interpret what you say differently and completely jam your happiness. She probably requires a different kind of coach who can understand what she really is inside of her and correct her accordingly. Simple verbal instructions just don’t cut for her. Hence, she is never going to be there counted amongst the best swimmers of the city. He hard work and dedication to swimming will put her on the forefront but will not put in the great league.

He swimming has been in that respect quite ordinary, but there in right there lies my seething anger. In my life, I have never achieved anything quite what she has. Jasmine neither. We never did go after one sport or one skill so untiringly like Jispa has. Of course, she has had the benefit of supporting parents, but that would be too kind to the parents. She has had the ability to go on, constantly, lap after boring lap, fight her pain and soreness, fight her capabilities and push herself. That by in itself is a humongous achievement. That is why I get extremely annoyed and angry. I get extremely angry with myself. I had the gall to call her achievements quite ordinary. I have the gall to say, that was good but not great. I am a bloody ass and I don’t deserve the achievement that I have see my kid get. This is so damn annoying.

In my life, I represented school once, in the under 13 basketball tournaments by virtue of being selected for the team, thanks to a fluke basket during trials. I fibbed that I could play and god smiled on me during the trails in spite of knowing that I would grow up to be atheist. So we practiced and played one match before we got completely beaten by a phenomenal margin in the first match itself. That’s the best of my sporting achievement. The rest was a few inter class matches and cricket in corporate India whacking unfit corporate zombies who bowled silly hops that could be smashed out of the shortened grounds. I have no business to call anyone’s achievement ordinary, especially that of my child.

On the recently concluded meet, Jispa took part in the back-stroke races and the longer distance freestyle races. You are allowed to take part in only 5 races and Jasmine helped her choose by analyzing the timings and the other participants so that she take the strokes that give her the best chance of going through. Some the top swimmers of her age group couldn’t participate in the races and gave their timings to ensure their qualification for the state meet. The top 6 go through. The end result – Jispa won 4 Golds and 1 silver at the meet. And all the races she won, she won by a huge margin. She came up after every race in a not so happy mood and neither did we really enjoy any of her victories. She had not improved her timings that she had given before and these would not help her qualify from state to nationals. Swimmers and their parents are hardened criminals. They are unaffected by glory and achievement. At the point, afterwards in a few days I lost it. I took Jasmine aside and I took Jispa aside. My message was the same thing. What on earth have we become? WE get no joy in winning. A few years ago, we were so happy to qualify, this time, you have the gold medals, you are the bets that is there in Mumbai. Part of the sport is to swim at your bets and yet manage your studies and other work and to have time to show up at the event. Many swimmers who possibly more powerful than you couldn’t manage studies and swim and that’s why they have given up. That, tight there is your achievement. Being the last man standing is also part of the game. Being there when others have remained absent is part of the game. You too had your exams, but you requested and the school changed the date for you, that’s all part of the achievement and thanks to that you swam your five events – and you won and won big. YOU WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP in your age group. In the end that’s what going to written for ages to come. The why as a family can’t we be happy? Why do chase the nest target. Micheal Phelps got Olympic Golds then he wanted more, then he wanted to be the greatest Olympian in the world… and then so on. Come on, family get happy, smile, celebrate the success. Mumbai has some 1.5 CR  people, of which only a few are crowned champions every year.

This overhang of being dejected and un happy and unsatisfied is pretty stupid. It reeks of journey to self-destruction. Why would you sacrifice so much and then always remain unhappy? Why as a family can we not celebrate the joys in life. I know that as a swimmer, as Jispa asked me, shouldn’t I always strive for more, how can I be satisfied? Yes, we dissatisfied but be happy. There is difference between the two. Always strive for more, but be happy with your got. Savor what you got. Look at that trophy you won, longingly and caress it. Feel the joy, the pain and the achievement. It’s yours and no one can take that from you. We as parents must also realize this. One thing that I did as parent when Jispa swam, was never to ask for her timings and her positions and always be ok about her achievements. In my heart, I would jump in joy or be pained but I would never show it. I thought this is the best level of equanimity shown. It puts the least amount of pressure on the child. No real pressure of delivering. I think it worked as she doesn’t face pressure of winning from me, but I can say with candor that I think it also was disastrous as in, it gave us no joy in winning. I made my kid as cynical as me of winning. I am sorry. I was wrong. I screwed up. This trophy that Jispa won is a testament to my failure as a father. Today if I were to live up the life again, I don’t know what I should have done. Celebrated every competition no matter what the result? That’s not possible given the swim meets we have in a year. The alternative – celebrate every time we win a medal or give a better timing – wouldn’t that celebrate success and deride failure? That is what I did not want.

The unintended consequences of what we seek to achieve by how we behave is so damn irritating. I guess it was the best at that time. But we became such cynical jokers at the end of it all. I am sorry at myself for this. Celebrate the successes and celebrate the failures. Life is short, celebrate. That’s possibly the other option. The consequences of these would be something I would berate later, if I had gone on this path.

Parenting is thankless job. It works amazingly well for the first few years when your child is small innocent bundle and you can hold it close, tight to your heart and eat it up. But soon it gets tougher and tougher on you as the unintended consequences catch up. Possibly right ow I feel like a failure, possibly in a decade I will say that was the right thing to do. As I have always maintained, parenting is something we weren’t taught about. It is something we pick up as we get along. We try to avoid the mistakes our parents did and do new ones. Hence the evolution can easily stop as a skipped generation doesn’t learn from old mistakes. That’s why over the years this blog should be handy. Possibly it may not help Jispa as it may help her child (if she has one). Possibly it will help another young parent reflect on her own strengths and shortcomings. Possibly this introspection as it has helped me will help them be better parents (less likely) and better human beings (more likely).

Like I was telling someone – writing helps me clarify to myself on what I am and what I am about. It helps me slap myself or congratulate myself on the choices and decisions I make. It helps me like teaching – it helps me clear my mind and reinforce my beliefs. That in itself is a good thing. I started writing to leave behind a mark for my daughter to read, it became an indelible for me to be. The unintended consequences of so many things.

But yes, Jispa won the championship and the feeling will sink in later. Possibly after a few days, a few years, a few decades. It is an awesome moment. It is a big moment. It is an achievement to savor. It is something to celebrate. It was a little dream for me. My only other swim dream for Jispa is for her to break a record at any swim meet. Just once – I want her to break a record. She hasn’t done so yet. That’s my not so little dream from her swimming. A national medal? That would be cute as well. Even a relay medal. I would love that as well. But its ok. I am happy for her. I am happy that as a kid she has learnt to be fit and to achieve. She learnt pain and sacrifice. And she learnt a sport. That’s what I wanted her to do when I paid that membership fee after fighting with Jasmine. So, a parent I have to grow up and own up to this achievement and be proud. That all I wanted, I got much more. It’s a good thing that I can’t kick my own derrière, otherwise this deserved a much-needed red sore bum. But in the same breath, I deserve a small quiet pat on the back. I write this blog and I understand where I went wrong and I acknowledge it. This makes me smarter than most others. Only by acknowledgement can one be improved. I will try harder.

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