how we learn

What a wild four months I have had. The research is finally over and so is the presentation. These four months are much like the 10 months I spent in Momentum Consulting (2004) working on the cement ACC project. Working like mad and meeting tons of people, connecting with them, hearing their stories and understanding their relationship with the category its takes a lot of out you, both physically and mentally. In the run up to the presentation for at least ten odd days I couldn’t sleep properly. Not that was a stress of the bad type but more like Eustress. Stress that helps you perform helps you do better. One of the things in Momentum was a constant pressure. And I remember working till the last minute trying to get the presentation in order. We would think and work and sleep in front of the laptop and then get up and work again. I hardly saw my daughter or my family. This would be on till the actual presentation. We would also be working during the breaks, trying to improve the presentation. Obviously this gave us no time to improve the look and feel of a presentation. The presentation I remember making was black text on white background. In the super final presentation, I had some time to make a small ‘gussa meter’ where I showed the rising frustration of the home owner. But still nothing much.
This time I was determined not to repeat the mistake. The presentation was on Wednesday and I wanted to finish everything before the weekend. I sat late, pushed hard, pushed everyone and I finished the core of it well in time to give us two full days to work on the look. And then a Friday to just make small corrections or modifications. It was done well in time. I relaxed on the preceding weekend and was relaxed as to the presentation in the run up to the D day. The only thing was how to avoid a backlash. How I must not step on toes, how to get the point across without getting defensive walls up. What a challenge. I wanted to call my God Dharen Chadhha and take his blessings before, but somehow I couldn’t. But after the marathon meeting which I presented for 12 straight hours, I could only thank him. It’s not just the technical side of marketing that I learnt from him that I used in the presentation. The equally important bit was handling 25 people on the other side.
Research presentations are notorious for being potentially volatile and hostile. You typically encounter closed and hostile minds. I remember seeing Dharen in such meetings, addressing concerns, keeping research sacrosanct, agreeing and convincing, accepting and moving and guiding the group. Invaluable lessons in managing board rooms. If Dharen with his vast knowledge and experience could be so humble in a group, can listen to the real banal of all arguments without being dismissive, can have amazing patience and a keen ear, then who am I ?
He was the first guys I called back. Thank you for teaching me so much. Thanks a lot; I learnt so much from you. I am sure my experience with Dharen has made me a better manager, marketing person and more importantly a better parent. He wondered – a better parent – yes sir, you taught me to open my mind, to read books, to understand various versions of truth. You taught me to think. That has made me a better parent. I don’t know if it has made me a good parent but it definitely made a better one.
I was so dam emotional talking to him. I could only mutter thanks and appreciation. But what a learning experience for me this whole presentation was. I was in charge, leading the brigade and being a Dharen on my own for the first time. 26 heads in the room, luckily not hostile but one wrong foot and the hostilities would have broken through. It took me some time to recover from that effort. Yesterday I woke up late wound up at around 2 from office, relaxed and lazed around only to catch sleep at around 9 pm. That was the first decent sleep after a long time. No lucid dreaming about presentations or research. Uff… it was fun … hectic but fun.

I see you

All my life I wanted to have specs. I thought having specs was super cool. I thought it made me look intelligent. I must have got my eyes checked a few times and secretly hoped for a number. Once when I was in 10th or 11th or was it the summer vacation in between, I got my eyes checked again. The rascal at the optician said ‘ya, sure’. Its .25 in both the eyes. Point 25 is not even a number. You don’t have specs if you have point 25. But hell, I got the specs. So my dad who was with me got a pair ordered. They were a thick round frame with some golden embellishments. Pretty funny looking I can safely say now. Also needless to add, I hardly wore them. My poor dad got a scolding from mom when we returned home from the optician. Mom was adamant that these were not specs and that this was a needless waste of money on a teen fancy.
She was right but I still was happy to get my specs then. Once the novelty wore out for me they lied in wait for some time. Once in college we celebrated formal day or something. I wore formals to college along with specs. Pretty corporate looking. Then suddenly as I was taking them off, they broke into two. Just like that. Broke into two. Oh shit. I was screwed. Not that dad would know. But just in case if dad asked for the specs, then what. Jasmine offered to fix them. She used araldite and fixed them sure enough. Whew. Close shave. So they still lay in dust for a few years more, till my brother broke his specs. So my mother asked him to take mine and get the glasses changed. Well. The araldite was stuck in a manner that the glass was also frozen along with. Great. Luckily enough years had passed since we bought the specs for me to escape severe admonishment. That was my last tryst with prescription glasses.
About a month back Jasmine generally was checking Jispa’s worksheets and she felt that Jispa was copying the stuff wrong from the board at a school. A visit to the ophthalmologist confirmed a .75 number in both the eyes. Oops. We went to the local optician and he confirmed the same. Now with both parents with excellent eyesight, no TV at home and no real reason – we wondered if this would somehow go away. Why is that we were quite not at ease for such a simple thing such as ‘your daughter needs specs’. I didn’t like it. The optician told us to come back after a month and check again. We promptly did so and got the same results. No magic here.
So now Jasmine called me to be present when we choose the frame. It seemed like a family thing to do. I don’t know what value I could add but I wanted to be there as well. My daughter’s first specs. The optician assured us that it won’t be her last and if we are lucky we wouldn’t be back in a month. Darn. So started the process of choosing the right frame. Jispa was clear she wanted rectangle frames. Jasmine being a mother promptly asked “your friend said?”. Ya sure. Like she would answer that question. No one , including a kid, would pick a bomb that said ‘your friend asked you to?’. No came the reply. How on earth can you possibly ask a question to any child that insinuates the presence of peer pressure. All of them obviously believe in independent thought. In fact most the time you, even in adults, you can only hazard a guess. No one will really admit.
Jispa also did not want a pink frame. Nor a black one. She was clear about her choice. We finally narrowed down to two and then finally to one. Great – the deal is done.1200 rupees with the frame glasses, and some special anti-scratch coating. Ok. With some luck I wouldn’t be back in a month. Though I am not betting on it.

here is here choosing the frame--

There started Jispa’s tryst with spectacles. Hers was a little more genuine than mine. I also guess it will last a lot more than mine. I guess post 40 I might accompany her.
I think we bunked another hypothesis – that Tv gives you specs. Jispa’s TV viewing is negligible and must be a small single digit percentage of the nationwide average time spent. She only read a lot. So while I can eliminate TV viewing in her case, I can’t eliminate reading. Possibly, I think, she read too much and didn’t see enough TV. Too much short distance and too little long distance must spoilt the eyes. Who knows?


I like this photo as well -

principally, its the same thing dude

The Jain paryushan session is on. And as usual it means nothing for us born as Jains. As I get more away from religion, I have started answering questions about my religion as “to answer your question on my religion – let’s simply say – my dad was a jain”. Who knows what I am and what I believe in.
Belief is a moving target. My beliefs are constantly shaped and realigned. It happens every few years. Turmoil, internal or external reshapes them. My experiences are getting redefined every day. Sometimes I feel that the others who are religiously inclined are better off. At least they have an anchor in life. An anchor that they believe is thousands of years old and an anchor that has the benefit of thousands of smart people spending their lives trying to fine tune and configure. Compared to them I am starting from scratch. I will have to think for myself. I will have to configure myself. All those questions to which the answers are given by philosophers whom others call saints, I have to choose to answer them myself. I have to question the questions myself. And I have a house to run, a job to perform and a boss and a team to which I am answerable. Hehehe. No wonder these fellows all retired to the jungle to ponder and think. It’s not possible in the human zoo.
I have been thinking about this. Jispa gets the disadvantage of this here. If we had been more religious, possibly we would have been able to give Jispa an answer to a lot of her questions. But as we stand today she would have to set out to get her answers herself. It is purely her call. But the upside is that she wouldn’t have to do all these rituals as a child without really understanding the significance. The poor thing has to do a lot in any case as a child. And a lot of it I am sure is against her free will. We are glad we are not imposing religion on it.
Today is Jispa’s birthday and she had a few friends over for a party. One sweet girl was fasting through the week. Not the hard core water only fast but a simpler – eat only two square meals a day. The meals have additional restrictions on the type of food, but they can be engineered to be pretty fulfilling. While the kid was able to do it through the week, a party where the highlight is gorging while on the move, get a bit tough. The kid was crying. I realized the pressure she was up against. While I don’t endorse the fast per se, I had a smallish chat with her. I told her that you have been pretty successful fasting so far as the conditions were good and helpful. It’s like running a race against a first grader. Now you are running against kids elder to you and now to win is a great victory. Now is when you must show greater control.
At the same time I was wondering. Is fasting about victory? What are you winning against? Does the child understand that? Then is it right for them to fast? But this is a start. A culture that will help them later. A culture that will help them fast when they are older and hence help them ponder about the various answers in life. I am sure fasting is not purely about food. It must about the mind as well. So then is the child doing right or wrong. Two schools of thought.
Do it now. It’s a bad world there. Kids must be equipped to face the pressure. After all Indians do well abroad because they are used to the pressure. They know what it is to fight and win. Pray now. A habit is formed now. Win and try harder now.
On the other side. Hold on. Who says you need to push winning now. A time will come when they will realize what they have to do. Its ok to lose now. The big payoff comes when the child grows to be a healthy human. A balanced human who has seen life slightly easy. Not so competitive. Not so cut throat. A n adult who will grow to decide his own destiny. In case we don’t know what the world will be like. Junkies who watch movies all day long become creative directors and guys who play games make more money as game designers. It’s a different world out there.
What is the truth? I would like to believe in the latter. Easy does it. But these are so difficult calls. I used to have a point of view but now I only say – I don’t know. As of now I want her to enjoy her life. I think I must push her only enough to study as much as its required to be ok. Not too hard. Mathematics is good for you, as is literature or arts or swimming that she is doing. Who knows what I will think five years down the line. I believe in not pushing but will the peer environment make me what I don’t want to be. The atmosphere will push Jispa to succeed and she will want to and she will want me to push. Then will I push. What will I say?
Jispa swims because she enjoys swimming. I don’t push her. Jasmine does not. In fact we get really pained by ferrying her all over the place. It’s tough to wake up at 5 and get her to the pool. Really painfull. But we aren’t complaining. Every time I feel her tummy and feel those really hard abs I feel proud. She is getting fitter and stronger and she will have a sport with her for a lifetime. But thenshe knows she wants to do it and she would get really upset if we stop it, and at the same time, she is a really pain to wake up in the morning. One of the worst morning starters. I have to cuddle her and wake her. She begs for two minutes, she cribs and tries to get back. Every once in a while she will get a scolding and then it’s back again. Today she wanted to bunk swimming when she was half asleep but when we pushed her to get up she was keen enough. The same thing for guitar practice. She likes it it but needs to be pushed to start the practice.
I find myself no different than the girl who was fasting and her mother. The stand was clear. It was your choice to fast and if you want our opinion, you mustn’t eat now. Stay in there, it might hurt a bit but the final choice is yours. So in the morning while I might have not agreed with the fast, principally the position is the same as ours.
It’s so easy to pass moral judgment, isn’t it?
The same goes for our everyday life. We pass moral judgments everywhere. That is wrong and that is right. We are pretty sure about it but I guess most of the tie it does not even pass internal introspection. Funny nah?
But no, the situation is different and I am merely muddling issues. Am I? Am I not?

finally some entertainment

I read this line today - Time is misspent twice: we talk about life as thoughtlessly as we live it. (source http://nplusonemag.com/chathexis ). It’s quite an interesting perspective on gtalk and chatting online. I think he almost calls it a conversation renaissance and ends with the following lines – “the spoken word . . . is an instrument that is enjoyable to play,” then chat—these broken lines, these misspelled words, this transliterated laughter, this long, unpunctuated scroll—has tempted us to compare it, at times, to the musical language that is poetry. But what it is, of course, is conversation. And that is compliment enough.”
Conversations. I am ok with them but I hate them in the swimming pool. Between middle aged gentlemen talking on topics of national interest while relaxing in the cool waters of swimming pool. Why do they even bother changing into a costume and enter the pool. The conversation continues right till the showers.
Today at the showers the hot topic being discussed was – yes sir – the Jan Lokpal bill. Honestly the country’s political climate is to day charged with the issue and funnily enough I stand nowhere. I haven’t a clue. I don’t know what bill the government was proposing and what is the one demanded by civil society. Its about curbing, investigating and punishing corruption in India. The civil society is adding teeth to the bill the government is proposing. There have been enough intellectual debate of supporting or opposing the nature of the agitation. The theory being that you cant hold Government to ransom. Well you cant but this is a democracy and you elect the parliament. So if the parliament is feeling so righteous about itself it could choose to ignore the agitation. But at the same time, it knows that the more it ignores the civil society the more it will lose the support of the people.
So while the agitation is not strictly democratic, democracy in its own interests is ceding ground to it. Nice. I am ok with the play. Democratic countries have these plays built in. Because it’s a democracy you can’t send it the tanks for something you think is right. And where the movement doesn’t seem to have widespread support like the Maoists, you can send it the troops.
But that’s not my point. I am merely enjoying the attention that this agitation is gathering. It’s good. Lots of businessmen seem to have given their whole hearted support for this. I saw at the Mandi in Indore, some nationalists hoisting the national flag. Everybody is supporting Anna.
I couldn’t but see the irony here. The entire mandi trading was happening in cash. No official transactions, no tax and no contracts. The secrecy is amazing, where even the deals are done using handshakes under an opaque cloth. India would benefit more from transparent exchanges than anything else.
Then you have all these traders who would have these hordes of black money, pay low tax and then say – we should get the Jan Lokpal bill passed. Dam you. They want public trials and public punishments. I am sure they will also approve of flogging as a punishment. Stone throwing perhaps. But I wonder if they would be equally supportive if there was a bill on punishing black money by a public trail and hopefully medieval quatering.
But then I smiled. If this corruption thing is suitably sorted and we get rid of it to a large extent then, these guys wouldn’t be able to do much if the tax guy came knocking. Hopefully it would reduce corruption there as well and hence get them to pay more tax. Now that’s an interesting thing. I hope it passes before the businessmen get a chance to react. I am glad they are there. And I think one of the big differences in the govt stand versus civil stand is that the civil fellas want to include lower bureaucracy and that means the low end tax men. That’s possibly a good thing.
Great. So I finally did get entertained by shower conversations. Sometimes I think the guys who just come and sing merrily while showering are more entertainment.
Jai ho.

risky business

Ok this one is funny. One team member came up to me today morning saying – I got to rush to the doctor. I have cotton stuck inside my ears. She had put in some small amount of cotton and it got lodged in way beyond where her finger would be able to pull it out. She spoke to another colleague who dad was a doctor and her dad promptly asked her to come over.
I was reminded of the first time I got cotton stuck in my ear. I remember being in school or college. I was fiddling with an ear bud. Those cheap Indian ear buds I guess, with cheap Indian gumming. A few seconds after I removed the ear bud form my ear, the plastic stick was left in my hand with the cotton missing. Oops. What do I do now? I couldn’t get it out. I remember going to my dad. I got cotton stuck in my ears. I think I visualized an emergency situation. Running to the doctor or something. My dad looked at it, then got his hands on a tweezers or something and pop in 5 seconds it was out. I felt my dad was genius.
After that I think I have the chance to do something like this again. Did I do it to myself or did I do it to Jispa or Jasmine, I don’t really remember. All I know is that I could do it easily. So I told my colleague, if you trust me I can do it in an instant. So we got her to sit down. I saw the ear, I could see the cotton, and it was just a little inside. I got another colleague to hold her ear open. Now for the tweezers. You can’t get these in office so I picked a scissor and pluck in 5 seconds the cotton was out. I felt like a proud dad. I lived my dad’s life. I could imagine the relief she felt. It was the same.
But scissors in the ear? Isn’t that dangerous? Who puts sharp instruments in the ear? Wouldn’t one put a tweezers in? As I was discussing with my colleague, I think tweezers are more dangerous than a scissor in the ear. Each of the hands of a tweezers has two edges that are sharp. Therefore you have four sharp edges capable of scratching the inside of your ear. The scissors on the other hand have a sharp side which is not exposed on the outside. It only has two pointy sides which you can direct very well. The sides of tweezers are more likely to be out of your control. So I slid the scissor with its mouth slightly open and plucked the cotton out. So in fact if I look back, the scissor was a far safer option than the tweezers. But who would have taken that call. I took the scissors only because the tweezers were missing.
Most of the time we take a call that we think is safe basis our notions of it. A scissor is definitely more likely to cut your finger than tweezers but given the circumstance and the problem that need solving, a deft scissor usage is the least risky bet. Of course going to a doctor would have the safest. But we do take risky calls all the time. But we get into office we want to be safe. We are constantly watching our backside. We are wondering what to do. I would have taken the same call with Jispa as I did today. But what do the unwritten office rules say? Don’t do this. It’s too risky. What would the consequences be? Sure the consequences are bad but the point is if I did what I did in good faith. In office we don’t really forgive mistakes. We want to take the right call every time and in order to be “not wrong’ the call we take is always the safe one. Sure – go to the doctor and get your ear operated, who knows how deep it is inside really.
Its amazing to see people in office sitting on the sidelines and giving ‘safe’ suggestions. Good ideas get smashed because someone or the other wants to look at the other side. The consequences. What we forget is to assign the probability to these consequences. Sure the whole thing can crash but how bad would it get if it really crashes? It’s only the section of the roof that crashed, and its summer time, we have enough time to repair it. And we know there is likelihood of a crash happening so let’s not put too many people under it and those under it will have hard hats on. Safety first is a good industrial factory concept but a horrible business concept.
I think we lose all risk taking ability as we grow bigger and stronger. The thinking changes. We look to conserve what we have as opposed to asking – what’s the max we can lose. As a parent I see that happening. Like another conversation I had over the week end, where a mother was not allowing he r15 yr old kid to watch Delhi Belly as it was ‘A’ rated and refused to let her access Facebook till she finished her critical tenth standard exams. I don’t the movie had anything that 15 years old did not already know or understand. Sure its protection but it also comes at a cost. The cost that your kid thinks that you are being over protective. She would listen to you now but she is likely to use this against you to rebel later. The cost tradeoff is too high.
I too am over protective about Jispa. Now slowly slowly I am beginning to loosen up a bit. Relax. Let her go. She would enjoy, she would be safe. She will go down with the kids and play and then come back on top. You don’t need to know where she would exactly be at every point of time. Now is time for her to be free. A- ha… writing this I figured. I must remember myself at her age level. I guess I was pretty much ok. Slightly more protective as I came in from Dubai, but my mental make-up was pretty ok. It’s funny how much I remember of those days. Shit Jispa is now at an age when her experiences are stuff that she will remember through her life. Now we will have to take care. I keep telling Jasmine, now start taking care. Things you say now will come back to haunt you in a few years. Hehehe. No wonder I am not in the mood for taking risk. Who wants risk? Live a nice peaceful risk less life. Go to your doctor when you get cotton stuck in your ears. Don’t come to me.

travel right

It’s pretty crazy. I haven’t been able to blog for quite some time. Sometimes I feel I am not just up to it. What do I write? My ‘profoundipity’ is at ebb and I am going through a physically demanding schedule. Mostly I think it’s just a matter of habit. Just when you break it, it’s difficult to get back. I guess if I start writing every day and force myself, it will be back. I will find something interesting to talk and something interesting to write about. Once I do find something interesting to write I hopefully will find it interesting to analyse and bring some seriousness to the issue… or whatever. It also doesn’t help that my blackberry is really really old and withered. I can’t even click any photos with it. Sometimes the photos used to help when everything failed. The best time for my blog when I wrote almost every day was during eth recession when there was precious little to do otherwise at office. With the markets right behaving badly, I guess these time might just make a comeback. But till then its time to push myself and write.
There I just thought of something. Last week I was doing research in Indore and Bhopal. I happened to catch up with a student a few weeks back on SMS and he happened to be in Indore. He is working as a sales manager there and has picked up an apartment where he stays alone. This was invitation enough. So I scheduled my trip accordingly and spent a couple of nights at his place. It was pretty cool to catch up with a student thus. His was a basic accommodation with him sleeping in the hall and he gave me a place in the bedroom. Nothing fancy, just a bed, a mattress, a blanket, a pillow and a fan. What more would I need? In the morning and evening to have bath, we would spend around 30 minutes getting the water hot. We would heat water on the stove and pour it into the bucket. To speeden things a bit we would heat some water in the electric kettle as well. Half to three fourth of a bucket was pretty good. Mix that with some cold water and you have enough for a bath. The biggest bug bear of travelling is having to be alone. I have stayed in five stars and in basic guesthouses but it’s always tough to stay alone for extended periods of time. Even if office colleagues are travelling with you, you sometimes yearn for some friends or family. So while Ronnie was pretty apologetic about the staying conditions, I had no complaints. Absolutely none. I was staying at my students place. What more joy could I ask for? My student was happy to have me over. We talked about life, a little guidance, a little career – some intelligent conversations about sales – done. I loved every moment of it.
We even went to the sarafa bazzar in Indore in the evening. Here the main street shops close to give way to the street food. Here sandwich stalls, pani puri stalls and every other local stall pops up, trying to sell you gastronomical delights. Nothing great to write about. If it is not hyped to you then you are not likely to be disappointed. One of the things recession taught me was to use every chance one gets to travel as an opportunity to soak in the local sights and tastes. I was normally very circumspect when it came to trying local cuisine. But now I have changed to go about and live and enjoy the tourist life. Eat the local food at the local street vendors. See what the romans do. So at one stall we asked the guy what else we could eat. We told him that we were not from here; hence he must guide us as to what the specialty was. Thus illuminated we ate the “corn kis” and the “fried kund”. Both were disasters but at least now I know that they are disasters. If I dint try them I would have never known. The good part of Indore is probably the poha that you get everywhere for breakfast. Compared to Gujarat where everything is fried, this breakfast comes as a delight. But eating it for three days in a row was a little too much. So now I have a story for Indore as well. Nice.
I was asking my host, Ronnie, on how much does he do the local thing. Does he roam out ion Sundays and holidays. Does he soak in the sights and sounds? Does he try to play with the locals, does he experiment with his food. How much of his territory besides the official stuff, does he know. I think I probably shamed him, by telling him some nuances about Indore that I picked up on the trip. I had been to the local mandi where farmers got their grain to be sold to the local dealer. Here the trading would be through the middle men who came in with plastic bags of the produce as samples. Here the trader would first inspect the plastic bag and would get an idea about the quality. Then they would shake hands and cover it with a cloth. In the absence of a cloth they would cover their hands under the kurta (long loose shirt) they were wearing. This is the deal making. A short fast series of finger touching would happen where they would decide on the price. This way they would reach agreement on the price in secret without the need for opening their mouth and disclosing the transaction in the mandi in front of everybody. So feverish trading would happen in relative silence. The only talk would be loose talk and casual conversation. It was an interesting immersive experience. I had seen these handshakes many years before but this was the first time I had seen these in full action on what was essentially a trading floor. High speed trading with no conversation.
So Ronnie is now suitably inspired to try new stuff within his territory. Good for him. What’s the point of being cooped up in your room whole day? Go out, walk a bit, eat a bit, get ill, get sunstroke. Anything goes. Sunstroke? Yup. In Delhi I lead my colleagues to Humayun’s tomb at noon only to find the three of us completely knocked out by sunstroke after the visit. I love the place and can go there again and again. Every time I get to see a new perspective. They have also improved the place and near the entrance is some sort of a display which explains some of the importance and the architecture of the place. The next time I am in Delhi on the must see list is – Safdarjung’s tomb which was the inspiration for Humayun’s tomb which in turn inspired the Taj Mahal. You can’t fully appreciate the Taj unless you see this in sequence. Also a must see will be the sound and light show at the red fort in the evening. I remember seeing it as a kid and I remember loving it and recollecting it for years to come. I can’t wait for Jispa to start learning Mughal history. I want to take her to all these places where she will see firsthand what she studies in her text books.
I have this plan of showing her the forts and the palaces of Rajasthan and Delhi over the weekends as she studies them. That is my dream of teaching her History. So that she gets a perspective from a guide, from Amar Chitra Katha, from visiting the place, museums and from the search on the internet. Perhaps a few documentaries downloaded might also help. I hated the dates that they made us learn in history. I never understood the importance of History and architecture and forts or anything. The way it was taught to us was boring, one sided and irritating. I want to teach her the exciting way. I hope I would be able to do so. I really hope. At least she will get a better perspective and she will be able to understand it better. At least she will not consider it the drab I thought it was. And hopefully she might be inspired to graduate in anything but the commerce and accounting ended up doing. Easily one of the most boring courses ever conceived. Debit and credit. Yuck. Ya ya… I do realize that smart alecs end up doing creative cooking up of accounts and seem to exercise their right brain in the field as well. But those rapists are the one that caused the recession! Too much creativity at the wrong place.

what a fun day!

I hate these song and dance shows. They are such a pain to sit through. Whether it’s live or on TV. Same predictable routine and honestly bad scripts. I would much rather go for a play, preferably a light hearted play. Very few are able to deliver a really strong play with a serious message. So the worst form of torture is to go for a play where in you are there purely for reasons of friendship. I am acting in a play, can you please come. Oh man!
In the first few years Jispa’s school annual function were very interesting with me being mesmerised with the scale and the production. It was nowhere what I saw in my school. As the glitz wore off, I started getting bored thanks to the absence of a strong story or plot or anything except songs and dance. You wait eagerly till your own kid comes in and shows her face in a crowd for a 30 second insignificant role and then out. Then it’s back to boredom. I dunno how to wiggle out of this complete utter torture.
Then the next on my list of anathemas is religious propaganda and anything that comes close to sermon. It is dam painful. I am sure some of them are pretty smart people and I am sure one can learn from anything, but sitting through it is a bloody pain. So in spite of quite a few offers I have chosen to stay away from these. These offers are definitely well meaning but I think they are best avoided. Possibly my arrogance will not permit me to attend these sessions.
So I hate shows and I hate religious preaching.
Last Sunday I found myself stuck with the frying pot and the fire. Together. I was attending a song and dance show about Jainism. Aarghhh. How do I get myself stuck in these situations, I also don’t know. One of friends had produced and starred in this with her daughter. Great. They requested us all to come in. great. I said no and no one really expected me to say yes. Great. So till Saturday there wasn’t a ticket for me as well. I had happily wiggled out of this and was planning to spend the morning relaxed in my house reading a good book. The book I was reading “switch” was also quite interesting. Till one of jasmine’s friends backed out leaving jasmine with an extra ticket. NO NO. Are you comng? NO. You sure? YA! Come nah! Awww, no. please. Ok don’t come if you don’t want to. Shit… ok… I am coming. No it’s ok. I am coming. IT all right, don’t come if it’s too bad. I AM COMING!
So I land up at this hall where there is concert going on extolling the events that lead up to the birth of Bhagwan Shri Mahavir. Using song dance, drama and stage, props and stuff. What I realised that there is an interesting mix of Hinduism in the way we seem to be practising Jainism today. What I understand of Jainism is that the Gods aren’t the Gods of Hinduism. The 24 thirthankaras aren’t Gods in that sense. They are enlightened beings. We go to temples not to pray to them and ask for deliverance. We go to the temple (supposed to at least) to look at them and be inspired to let go / or modify behaviour. I once heard the dalai lama and he said, jokingly, that Jainism and Buddhism are forms of atheism. What I understand is that there are no gods in Jainism and there seems to be no point in praying to them and celebrating them as Hinduism does. I read somewhere that when Hinduism was threatened by Buddhism, they conveniently included Buddha as one of the dus avataars. In many murals I have seen Balram as one of the Avataars, who seems to have been unceremoniously dumped for reasons of politics in today’s top ten compilations. During some bits of the play I heard references to the Brahaminical order, with Kshatriyas and Brahamins making their appearances. Now that I look at it, a lot of Jainism rites that I look at today and the way I thought Jainism was and the way I see people practice it, it is actually a form of hindusim. We pray to these Gods, we celebrate them, we give them exalted powers and status. Al the pomp and glory of Hinduism is there. I find it funny when the God in question is who he is because, he gave up all this pomp and splendour, he extolled the virtues of less, of sacrifice, of giving up, of simplicity and virtue.
Hindusim has survived by adapting and managing smartly. By integrating everything into its fold. As a kid I always thought that Jainism is a form of Hinduism. I thought of us as Hindus. How could we be? It is as much a part of Hinduism as Islam is. At least to my mind. Hindusim managed to integrate tribal religion (Shiva), Jainism, Bhuddism and everything else at reached our shores except Islam and Christanity amongst the major religions. It also changed in the bargain from vedic worship to idol worship.
I am sure that there are many flaws in my argument that the critic can argue with. But the fundamental point was that, that day, Jainism was not being worshipped in its original form. But hey, I don’t care. Religions must change with the people. It is finally a product of people’s imagination. It is of the people, by the people and for the people. If it does not change and is held together by dogmas, it will cease to exist. It must bring a lot within its fold. The fun is when the right winged zealot thinks that it hasn’t, talks about coming to core and wants to oppose change, not knowing he is a product of change and adaptability. That’s when the fun starts.
It’s pretty foolish to air your views like these in public. They do not want to listen. They do not want to consider a possibility that the opposite exists. They think that what they know is the absolute truth. What little we understand of religion. What little we argue about it. How completely banal are our conversations about it.

I wanted to see it... and what I unexpectedly saw

Talking about experiences, I managed to see the famous sun temple at Konark last to last Sunday. I had to be in Bhubaneswar on Monday morning and the only flight into the place would have got me late in the day. Hence if I had to be there on Monday morning I needed to be there on Sunday. So might as well reach in time and catch some sights.
The Konark Sun temple always held a certain fascination for me while growing up. Our history text books always had the image of the wheel of the temple on its cover. The sun temple is designed like a chariot with horses at the front (now destroyed) and with exquisitely carved wheels at the base. It is quite an interesting temple.
I have over a period of time learnt the importance of having a guide at any historical place. It is impossible for the layman to understand the significance of the monument without having the services of a guide. And if you consider the cost associated with the travel, the cost of the guide is a mere blip. But the simple 100 bucks he charges makes the entire journey memorable.
Whenever we have travelled we ensure we take the guide and all these years, I have always been the translator for Jispa. She has been listening to guides since she was around 5 years old. It is my job to translate what eth guide says in a language they understand. While it is great fun learning from a guide it is the greatest fun to teach a child at the same time. So I listen to the guide and then talk to Jispa, explain further nuances from my understanding and further the thought process. In time I have also learnt that the guide is designed to play to the gallery. He has a well-rehearsed script that plays the jokes. And the big rule – the guide is not the final authority on anything. He is merely relaying his version of history. Everything is a version, an interpretation, a guide. It is up to us to believe / disbelieve and for us to think through. Villains need not be that bad and the heroes may have ugly feet or possibly may not be heroes at all. They could have died valiantly possibly because they were plain stupid yet brave. Anything goes! But nevertheless the guide is an interesting person and critical to your journey.
The Sun temple at konark is a comeplet waste without your guide, he will show you such intricacies that you might have missed otherwise, look a giraffe! Yup one carving has a giraffe in it. Also there are many sexually explicit carvings around the temple. The guide’s explanation was that due the wars the population had decreased and therefore to increase the population the kind made it quite clear what he wanted the kingdom to do. It’s funny. It’s almost like he said – let the games begin! There are many theories to Indian temples having erotic sculptures on the outside. I could think of a few, though I don’t claim originality for them – possibly to show that sex is important and have your fill outside and leave it there when you enter the temple, or possibly a kind of an advertisement for the mass to come in, or possibly pandering to the king’s extravagant bacchanalian tastes, or even the priests who possibly thought of it as divine fun, or possibly the guide was right. It was an economic decision. More sex, more population, better economy. Also there were multiple forms of sex and some were of foreigners have some desi fun, which also could mean that this was an old version of Amsterdam. A critical part of the tourist /business circuit. Like many years ago I read an article that said, that to attract foreign investment it’s critical to have some kind of a night life! And that’s possibly one reason that Ahmedabad, with its prohibition laws, can never be a foreign investment destination.
Whatever. The guide was obviously happy that a couple of Indians were listening and asking questions and were open enough to understand and ask straight questions without being coy about the issue. I have seen all guides like clients who are interested in what they are saying. Asking questions and not irritating them. I saw this in Turkey as well, where the guide was happy to lose a certain section of the tourists who were least interested in his talk and was happy to take us further after giving them a slip. Every man requires having pride at his job.
I couldn’t but help think, how I would react if I were to take Jispa to these places. I hope that when she is about 15 I would be able to fell ok visiting these places with her, but till she reaches that age, taking a guide to these explicit tourist interests with Jispa intently listening, can cause a bit of an … I don’t.. can cause some…something! She is at an age where she needs little translation of what the guide is talking and I don’t know if I want to translate polygamy for her, just yet.
But hell, the other thing that got me was, I want to see the history text book with the wheel on the cover again. Which wheel photo was it? Most of the wheels had explicit carvings on them. What the hell? We went through all those years of schooling without knowing that the konark wheel was a childhood fantasy come good. We were completely starved of anything explicit and we didn’t even have internet or foreign magazines. Seesh. What a waste. I am sure history would have been a favourite subject if only the significance of the wheel was better understood by us in school.

Here is one carving. Here you see a couple in the act of giving birth contrasted with the image of a cat chasing a mouse on top. A contrast that shows conception to death. Poetic.

keep roaming

Travelling for research takes a toll on the mind and body. Intensive research days involve back to back meetings at clients place, all over the city. These are interspersed with time spent in the car getting from one place to another. The car rides kill the back and the meetings while being fun are completely stressful. One is writing notes, thinking hard, connecting dots and trying to make sense of the entire conversation. Sometimes one meets disgruntled clients who don’t want to open up at all. Some want a solution right now, some want it later, some don’t care. Talking to them, putting them at ease and making conversation that is enlightening and illuminating to both is a real challenge and of course a memorable experience.
No matter how bad the interview and how tired I get, I always make it a point to learn something more about the consumer and his business in addition to what I might need to know from my products point of view. Thanks to this, in this research I got to know about car dealerships, bike dealerships, lubricant distribution, truck transportation, quarrying and much more. These rae incidents that I may forget over time and then these are incidents that will be in my memory for a long time to come. Some become the shining example that I will recall again and again ad use it to prove my point.
This research and conversation shapes me as an individual. We are shaped by how we interact with our environment and these interactions help push our knowledge base. This also helps me push the boundaries of who I am. I dare say that intensive research changes me as a person. Definitely as a marketing person but more so as a human. The constant humility one needs to have while talking to clients is something that seeps inside my brains. I am in a receptive mode. A mode that says no matter what I think, the consumer is right. He is trying to tell you something. Please keep your prejudices and biases aside and listen carefully. It is truly a humbling feeling especially for someone who might be… no correction, for someone who IS as naturally egoistic as me. So I go about this research trying to understand what my clients say and I understand a bit of what I might be or hope to be.
Any one saying anything during this mental state seems to have a larger more profound response from me that what I might have naturally given. My mind is open to so much stimuli, that at one level I find it exhilarating and at the other level I find it very draining. I so love being able to do research. Especially since this is a multi city thing.
In the past I have travelled to many cities but have been holed up in the hotel rooms. I haven’t ventured too much outside and I have not ventured out to taste the local cuisine and interesting places to eat. Then came the recession in the year 2008. That is when I regretted travelling to these places and being holed up inside. I promised myself that I will try to do a little more the next time I get to travel. Surely I don’t get enough to take in the sights as I might have loved to, but if there is time then I am sure I am not going to waste it. And at the very least, I am going to try the local food, street side stalls and a few shops if possible in my effort to understand this place a little more. The simple act of going out to eat dinner in a local famous place itself gives you so much more to learn and see. These are small things that I would value in addition to all the research that I might end up doing. These things change you and at the very least give you tons of stories to talk about later.
This time I was in Ahmedabad, someone told me about Manek Chowk in the heart of the old city, a place where the deeply fired sweet gujju goes to get his gastronomic delights. Eeyah! A complete gujju cowboy approach to food. We ate the chocolate cheese sandwich. It is basically melted chocolate spread between slices of bread and then you have grated cheese all over it. then we had the chocolate pineapple pizza, where you get the base, then melt the chocolate on it, then put a few chunks of pineapple, followed by a healthy (unhealthy , actually) helping of grated cheese. Note: all these dishes have melted chocolate in it but the cheese is not melted. I saw this phenomenon in Gujarat 12 years ago. They still haven’t figured out how to melt the cheese. But honestly in this case I shudder to think what might have happened if the melted cheese got together with eth melted chocolate. The most special dish was the one that followed. The ice cream sandwich. This is bread with butter and pineapple jam applied on it. Then you grate cheese on it (of course) and then you smash an ice-cream (cashew raisin flavour) in the middle. Really wild or vile as you see it.
Ashamedly I might add, the gujju genes in me made me actually eat all this and I might not be able to openly admit, but it was fun! I dare say – tasty fun. Only a gujju who has grown up on food that needs to be a hash of all flavours at one bite can appreciate the value of what we ate that day.
It was a fun experience. Simple acts of eating weird food, meeting different people, sharing experiences makes all that travel worthwhile. Back breaking but fun. Thanks to the travel I missed out on swimming and my yoga. Yesterday I felt the crick coming back in my back. Out came the yoga mat and bye went the crick. Today also I managed to catch 10 minutes of stretching before taking Jispa to the swimming pool at 5.45 am. This is the routine on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Morning two bananas each for Jispa and me. Then we rush to hit the pool by 5.45 am. Then I have to figure either treadmill or squash, followed by a proper breakfast that Jasmine gets by 7 am. Then Jispa goes to school (jasmine drops her off) and I go for my swim class. Then I go off to office and have one more breakfast on route. I never knew a man could have three breakfasts. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, it’s going to be a simple 15 swim before office. I guess the key is to settle into routine as fast as possible and get going. Else this can kill me. I guess 10 pm then is lights off! And that means getting out of office by 6 pm. Let’s see if it works.

power here power there - part 2

That’s the right song to start this second part of the power blog. Nopes, it’s the blog that is powerful but the blog is about power. Seesh. Bad comment.
Why this song? I guess this is the perfect aggression anger anthem. It’s got an expletive at the heart of the chorus, repeating itself again and again. I couldn’t help shouting my throat hoarse while I was listening to this song in the car. Just a few days back I met a respondent in my research in a southern city. A decent corporate sweet guy. He took us out for a coffee in his car and played this song loud. He apologised but said he couldn’t help but like this song. This is the aggression anthem. It is telling the world to go screw yourself. What is it about rock music that is a so dam bloody aggressive release? Is it the screaming, the straining of the guitar strings, the tempo, what? But it does feel like an aggression release. I also think the bhag bhag bhag (run run run) in the song contributes to the effect. The trader we met was an aggressive investor and like all aggressive investors, sitting on a net loss.
Aggression. It never helps. It probably helped man survive and grow from a roaming Neanderthal to a stable farmer and progress as a species. The problem is that these aggressive genes are impossible to control when you are younger. Your brain starts working for the first time in a manner that you think is logical. You see the gross injustice being meted out to you or probably to others. Your natural empathy and reaction takes over and you want to do something. Your brain is not well developed to handle the overflow of emotion and your willingness to do good and pop, aggression becomes physical. You use what you are best at, using your arms and legs.
Also when you are growing up simple things attract you. I always wanted to join the army and ‘serve the nation’. I guess today I believe nation can be better served in many other ways. But why would I want to join the army? I guess there is a simple explanation that I have to offer. It was the uniform and the machinery they have at their disposal. I wanted to join the tank unit. It guess it is no better than the young boy who wants to be an engine driver as the guys seems to be in charge of a large big engine or a fire fighter in charge of a large big red bus. It’s important for the bus to be large big and red. I think the best recruitment drive for the army would be to have these army barracks in the middle of the city which don’t have walls. There they should be doing military drills in shiny uniforms and they have these big tanks roaming around for young kids to touch feel and dream. In the good old days I guess sexy equipment and smart uniforms were only available with the army and hence the young impressionable minds would be inspired by them. Now the sexy equipment is the iphones and the blackberrys and the laptops and the music players and the …. You get the point. And they all wear the uniform to work. They wear their suits and ties and the formals and go to work. Jispa notices when I wear a suit and leave office. She looks at me and wonders something. I guess she is making an impression in her mind. A positive impression I think. These are critical cues that get formed in an impressionable mind. I wanted to join the army and I ended up being firm on it when I got a chance to visit the national defence academy at Khadakvasla while I was around in the fourth or fifth standard.
Two can play the same impression game. Both the books, which I mentioned in the earlier blog (Curfewed Night as well as Hello Bastar) talk about impressionable kids being drawn to the rebel cause. There are mentions of the locals seeing these rebels flashing guns and in uniforms moving with a purpose. It is enough for them to want to enlist with the cause. And I guess that most of these young kids don’t even know what they are really fighting for or don’t really care about it. They just are swayed by the system and they are then drawn into the quagmire in which they possibly perish or possibly grow old and have no other option but to be a continuous part of it.
I think that’s the case even for most of the other rebels from the city. The young aggression which wanes in a few years gives rise to power dependency and these guys might just stay on for their thirst for power. What else will a 30 year old do if he has spent the last 15 years fighting ‘the force’. He has no skills else but the cause and the reason he fights. And then the power game starts. His interest is clearly in maintaining his power equation. He has to survive and this is the only way he can.
While we attract the best talent in office and other places, it is important that we realised that what attracts them here in the first place is not the reason why they should stay on. Dreams change, people change, and if we are able to constantly upgrade skill sets these people will also move with us. But if we let them remain there, forget to upgrade them, worry that if we do upgrade them; they will run away; then they end up being power brokers. They will cling onto their existing equations and become satraps in their own rights, ruling over their dominions. They will naturally be threatened by their status quo and would protect fiercely. The problem when they not only protect fiercely but when they start proactively attacking other dominions in anticipation of their attack. There is a reason why as you grow older and higher in an organisation the attacks increase gets more vicious. It’s a proactive attack by someone who is not increasing his dominion but protecting it.
If we constantly improve these skills the person knows that he can get hired elsewhere, he knows that his status quo is constantly changing; he is busy using his brains productively. He knows he has an option other than where he is present. This option in his mind will free him from his inward circle of control.
Big rebel leaders know that violence is pretty much useless and it will annihilate the very class it seeks to protect. But the wisdom comes after ten years of sloganeering. He can now not eat his ego and say this can’t work. You have to work with the system to change it. You must embrace peace. It is possible to work from inside and given the effort these guys tackle in recruiting friends and putting implants, I can’t believe it’s not possible to do peacefully. Without being the enemy of the people you seek to protect.
Sigh… too much gyan for someone who is basically an arm chair critic. I haven’t been to the jungles and I haven’t been inside their homes, huts and existence. All I know is that they don’t deserve ot die like this and have their livelihood snatched away. Both sides are guilty. The rebel is as much the culprit as the oppressor.
No one is bad to start with; it’s when the situation leads you to become power hungry, when you want to maintain what you earlier stood by, when your ego does not let you admit; that is when the rot sets in. it is easy for me to say all this and extremely difficult for me to understand and see it happen and stop. It needs an amazing ability to constantly see yourself from a few feet away, and ask yourself – what, why where? Are you sure?
Too much philosophy is definitely not the core of my blog and most I know simply get bored by it and move on from my blog. I try and stop writing once I exceed one page – but this blog is not meant for these people. It is meant for me as a father. It is meant for Jispa to once read and understand if something hits her.
Jispa I hope I didn’t bore you too much. You are a sweet imaginative and sensitive kid. I hope you face your share of shit and grow stronger for it. I can’t make you a good or a bad person. But I hope after you read this, you will realise what my belief of a good or a bad thing is. Or if shit hits you and if I am not around, you know what I thought of the shit hitting me. And I sure hope you find your own answers. Your own answers.

power here power there

What’s better than one good book? Simple – two good books. And when they seem to complement each other I truly enjoy the experience. While many times you get to read books that complement each other, very rarely do you get the chance to read them in quick succession. I was lucky recently.
I normally don’t pick Indian non-fiction, but I was lucky to pick two books by Indian authors discussing home grown Indian union issues. One was Curfewed Night by Basharat peer and the other was Hello, Bastar by Rahul Pandita. The first book is about Kashmir and the second is about the Moaist / Naxal movement in India.
I have learnt over many years that India is not the ideal democracy that we grew up believing it to be. The newspapers and the media are not really interested in showing any real side of the truth. The closest I seemed to have gotten to the truth has been thanks to the Tehelka magazine.
These two books, despite all their flaws in writing style are interesting in the fact that according to me they are courageously trying to unmask the government. There is a clear idea of two Indias. One is the urban shining India and the other is the rural India untouched by the growth and modernisation. These books are revealing that there is a third India, the oppressed, raped and pushed under the carpet India. This is the place where the government not only does not care but is actively involved in oppressing and raping its own populace.
When I was much younger I always wanted to join the army. The notion of patriotism had been drilled into my head. Not that it required much drilling by external parties. I managed to drill that into my own head by own will. I wanted to pick up arms and serve the country. That was dream that lasted till very late. Only tons of reading and understanding real stuff later made me realise the false bloated notion of the nation. I refuse to now honour and respect these man made lines.
As regards Kashmir, my first experience with it was as a child with parents visiting the paradise on earth. I don’t remember it being particularly beautiful as much I remember it being arrogant. A people who knew that the world wanted to see them. I then saw it as an adult in the year 2003, and I saw no progress in the intervening 20 years. I saw people shattered, their egos broken, the desperation writ large in their eyes. While I was able to put the two together, only after reading Basharat peer was I able to live the horrors of the people of Kashmir. We could naively say that Kashmir has only itself to blame but the atrocities of the Indian forces and the rape by the powers that be, have also massively contributed to it. While there might have been a fire we managed to really add fuel to it.
Jump to the Naxalite movement in India and you realise that it is nothing but a rebellion against the state that is busy pillaging our resources at the expense of the tribal livelihood. Oh god. It’s horrific on how we manage to do it.
These are also case studies on power. While its clear that for those oppressed the state is the culprit and for those in the comfort of modern air-conditioning the rebels are to blame, to my mind both are completely totalitarian regimes corrupted by power. It is both that extract their meat from the populace. The rebels who pick the gun are reluctant to drop when they realise the power they wield. Power corrupts and is an addiction like no other. And it works at all levels. Even I look at the grass root, as a father the power I wield corrupts my thinking. Sometimes Jispa get the unnecessary brunt of rage which is nothing but a power equation. Surely I think I do it far less (I think, I hope) that what I might have faced; but hand on heart, the power is what manifests on my child.
This power equation is crazy and it is this that makes us cling on to our status quo. We are afraid of change, we forget the reason and the power itself becomes the motive. Like the book on social entrepreneurs I was reading, one do gooder realised that he could not go into get into Maoist bastions and uplift the people. The Maoists have a vested interest in keep the area underdeveloped.
I see this in offices as well. I see too many bosses having a vested interests in keeping their employees only happy enough. How much should I pay him, for him not to go? WTF? They actively supress any learnings and actively ensure stagnancy. As growth inevitably is followed by demands and market forces that put a price on the persons head which the organisation does not want to pay. Why should it? Why should I develop a person only to lose him or her? I have only in the past learnt one thing. Keep pushing the person to grow and learn. The bigger he gets the more the space he pushes around him. The wider his span of vision gets. This only benefits the organistaion, and if he leaves, be happy that he has created a big enough void, so that the new person will have to first fill that void and then try to do some more. I don’t know why the organistaions can’t see this, why the bosses can’t see this, why we can’t this?
Power lies in letting go. Yet we hold on. I so want to let go. I will try at every opportunity but dam it. I don’t see it. I only see it in hindsight. Dam.

think right

I was talking to Jispa the other day and we were talking about the flat that we bought. So I was explaining to her that to buy the flat I had to take a loan. That set off a series of questions which culminated in me explaining to her the concept of how a bank works. I explained how the bank borrows money and pays interest and how it lends money and charges interest and the spread between the two. It was good fun. She seemed to have grasped the same. It is always an interesting conversation when I have to explain to her stuff. I kind of love taking complicated stuff and translating it to her knowledge and understanding. I yearn for the day she will be studying her rocket science and explaining it to me in a language I understand.
I have always taken pride in being able to understand complex stuff as its basic level. Like I still remember my statistics class and being able to correctly remember and apply some of its core principals. Especially the concept of the bell shaped curve. In office when we do our rating we are supposed to follow the standard distribution pattern while rating teams. It is pretty stupid and ananl in the way we implement this stuff. I have a team of around 14 heads. Now the idiots will make me rate them and expect me to rate them while following the curve. So not more than an x percentage must be rated outstanding and a y be rated below that and a z must be rated adversely. It’s stupid. A simple error of taking what is true at macro and expecting it to work in a micro environment. The first rule that most students of statistics will tell you is that standard normal curves tend to be formed at minimum sample size of 40. And that too at that level you only have 80percent confidence in the sample. Lower numbers do not throw the curve distribution. Good HR practice would have dictated that at the time of appraisal the organisation must follow a standard normal pattern for grading. So the corporate duds have mandated that every team must follow the pattern. So even my 14 head team would need to follow a statistical model while statistically it does not hold good.
Duh. Also this would be true in an environment that does not have external stimulus and bias. My team is lean and small. It enables me to focus on the lower level and manage them. I constantly attempt to attack and weed out non performance. I do not let non performance be tolerated and linger. Hence as a whole I would have a bias that ensures a larger than normal head. My variance would necessarily be less and hence the model itself designed to paint the complete picture of the organisation would fail. But it is difficult to explain this to corporate India. We are adept at making the stupid error of taking the macro picture and expecting it to work at the micro level. It’s like saying that every branch of the mango tree must produce a variation in fruit that is consistent with the variance in the tree as a whole.
This shit happens when you sleep in statistic class. I loved my professor. He used to try and make a sincere attempt to get the stuff into our brains. I remember trying to sit at the first one or two rows else the lecture risked getting lost on you. In the break we used to run to the wada pav guy and get some wadas to eat along with the spicy chutney. That also was designed to keep you alert. He tried his best and I tried my best to understand him. It was a sincere attempt.
So after all these years while I forgot most of my statistics I have been fortunate to know some of the basic stuff and as I grow older I meet people and understand further application of the stuff I learnt. I might forget what the chi square test really is but I know enough to know that mere correlation is not equal to causation. The basics like mean median and mode is something that I remember and I think at some level it helps. Especially when the quanti researchers come in to pitch some of their products. It fries my brain when they talk but at least after the deep frying some thing interesting comes out from it.
So with Jispa I try and get the basic thinking right. It’s important that the thought process works correctly. A broad and correct understanding of the concept is at times more than adequate than a detailed analysis. Sure there will be several opportunities to dive deeper into a subject matter but for most occasions an understanding that helps you talk and direct the subject matter experts would be more than useful. This is not an excuse to be a generalist. In fact one of the biggest regrets of my training is that I have not taken the opportunity to be an expert in any one field. I have been a stupid generalist. I wish I would have taken a science or an arts stream that would have helped me direct my energies towards a specialised field. Even if I would have done my management afterwards, I still wish I would have done at the least an engineering. In fact today I wish I would have followed my dad and done my graduation in civil engineering. I would have gotten great pleasure to be able to construct a building or something. Even I might have hardly ever gotten chance to build one, the knowledge of being able to build one would have been lovely.
Talking about Jispa knowing about interest. Once while we were giving her pocket money because she played her guitar I got a brain wave. While she should know and experience the joy of getting and spending money she must also experience the joy of saving money and getting interest on it. so if she spends her money she know that she will not only part with her money but also the future interest on it. So we decided to give her interest. For sake of calculation her interest is set at 10percent per month. Oh dam what a high rate of interest. She is a pathaan. But it’s ok I guess. The other day Jasmine decided to give Jispa the money we got from selling old newspapers. On hearing this I jumped up. “what are you doing? I am paying ten percent on that every month.” Jasmine had a good laugh. “who told you to pay interest to your daughter?” she asked.
Oh dam. My wise ideas will come back to give me a bite on my bum.
For the record, in the middle her Nanaji gave her some 750 bucks for helping him in some origami class. So today while I was paying her interest, I was like wow...she had calculated interest at 98.7 rupees. Jasmine later told me that she calculated interest herself. She figured out how much the amount should be ... all jasmine told her was you will get 10 bucks per hundred. Cool. next time around she will understand for herself the benefits of compounding.
Jispa is also prone to asking some really simple questions. One question she asked Jasmine. “Mom, if you knew John Abraham in college itself (he studied in the same college, one year older), why didn’t you take his autograph then itself?”

Another one that I was super impressed by - she called me while I was travelling. She asked me “dad, I was reading about Jesus Christ (amar chitra katha) and I was wondering if BC is before Christa and AD is after death, then what is the period between?” Dam cool. My history teacher, Mrs. Annie Mathews had taught us this in the fifth standard. AD is not after Death. It’s Anno Domini. I remember that class very well. I told Jispa that it’s not after death, it stands for Anno Domini. But somehow she remembers me teaching her in some museum that AD stood for after death. I wouldn’t normally teach her, as this is my favourite GK question, but if Jispa was so sure, then I let it rest. “sorry, if taught wrong, but here is the truth.” I then went online and explained to her what Anno Domini stood for (the year of the lord) and that in all probability there is a miscalculation and Jesus was not born in 0 BC.

room for improvement

Learning never stops and it comes from all quarters. These days I have had the good fortune of eating my ego and having it punctured. There is this lovely lady in office, a colleague who has this disarming style of talking and puncturing my ego. Normally I don’t take too kindly to advise. Most don’t know what they are talking about or don’t understand you or are too shallow to really help. The vast majority don’t even care too much about you to really help you. This lady is able to influence by her unique style of not really advising but by merely pointing what she sees and putting in a way that hits me hard. I have been advised by a few friends to go for Vipassana and meditation. But I find that impossible to go for giving my high ego and general intolerance for saintliness. I hate those self help books and discourses designed to help you see light. Instead I love it when people talk about their experience and what they saw in real life and what they interpret out of them. This chick is able to make me see light by merely questioning what I do. No one has so far been able to tell me how to talk or behave with Jasmine. Once while overhearing a phone conversation she was able to ask some basic questions which made me realise my mistake and helped me immediately improve my behaviour. Not that it was too much of a change. It wasn’t like a change from negative to positive, but a small subtle shift that I am sure would go a long way. After being in love for 22 odd years with Jasmine, it does come as a rude jolt that I need to improve, in whatever way possible. Sigh... there is always room for improvement. People change if they want to. They change when they want to. It doesn’t make sense to force or attempt to change them. One only needs to question and ask correctly. That is all that is required. The rest flows. I take credit for wanting to change, recognising the need to change but she takes a whole host of credit for showing me how to.
It’s nice to be around 35/36. You can have good adult conversations with those even 6 years younger to you. That improves your scope for conversation tremendously. You have so many mature people to choose from.
Speaking about gurus... I can’t handle the gurus and the books they write. Keeping in line with my ego status, I really don’t understand how such apparent commonsense crap is being sold. Today I just happened to catch a Deepak Chopra book and he seems to be in the same market as Robin Shrama. ‘You are a good person and you need to harness your goodness to become great’ genre. The writing is extremely simple and full of promoting self goodness. I think it is meant for people who have forgotten their souls or have sold their souls, and need to be reminded that their souls are meant for greatness and this soulless period is just a temporary phenomenon. I think these books seek to address a vacuum in the same way porn does. Pornography for the soul. You are a great guy with a foot long organ and you just don’t know it yet. Everyone can have a foot long. Yikes... that line sounds like a Subway ad.

ask and you shall know

This post was written in Igatpuri but uploaded from Vizag.
I am trying to catch a couple of days of rest and relaxation in the midst of all the chaos around me. The chaos is my doing and I love every moment of it. within a short span of a couple of months I am doing an all India research trip meeting customers, business partners and employees across India in an attempt to find out the soul of the broking market and the findings are amazing, startling at times and at times I want to kick myself for not seeing it before. So many times when we sit in Mumbai and hypothesise about the kind of customers we might have, we like most others take references from our immediate surroundings and create marketing insights out of these which we action. I feel like an idiot. In the past when we were drafting emailers for our customers I relied too much on long copy and the play on the English language. One big insight is that most of our customers dont really understand or know too much English. I haven’t had more than a couple of interviews in English as I understand it. Those who understand it are also comfortable not talking in it. Beyond Mumbai, they seem to be thinking, talking and interacting in their mother tongue. Even in places such as Pune and Nashik the clientele is largely happy in vernacular.
If I looked carefully enough and seen the signs I would have noticed this long time back. All one has to do is look at the comments and forums and check the language. People are conversing in the English they are comfortable in and it’s not the English I know. It’s full of grammar and typos and with a good mix of local words. English is purely the language of writing it is not the language of conversation. The qwerty key board has ensured we write in it but has not ensured we think in it. India is conversing in its own language. What does this mean for advertising and communication? The new brief for my agencies is to write from my daughter’s English text book. You may not use any word not found in that.
There are these and many more insights that can be had by talking to people across the country. This has been an extremely enlightening period for me. My day typically starts at 7 am nd ends by around 12 midnight. The whole day consists of meeting people, talking, thinking, ratifying and junking theories. No matter how different people are the core of what they are is the same. We can look for differences across the spectrum of clients and that’s the easiest thing to do, but it does not take much to see that at a particular level they are the same. A few threads run through them and that define them as my customers. Thanks to my teaching in the colleges I have constantly reinforced to my class and hence to myself as well. The best way to put basics in your head is to try and drill it to 60 kids every year. I am so thankful to them. Almost as thankful as I am to Dharen Chaddha.
These days he comes so often to me in my mind. I see the rubbish being thrown about and remember his lessons, his methodologies and his clarity of thought. One of his biggest contributions to my thought process is to belive in my research and not to theorise outside of it. Hence what I see I say, and what I don’t see, I refrain from commenting. Some basics that I remember clearing with him years ago come back to help me again and again. To use relationship with the category as opposed to segmentation, which is contrary to what most marketing text books preach.
The power of doing research yourself while understanding the market cannot be underestimated. I find it funny to see marketing managers relying on the research presentation instead of their own eyes and ears. Getting out of your comfort zone and meeting clients at their own liars contributes tremendously to our understanding. And those seeking to contribute without the effort come across so shallow. Yesterday was an interim presentation in which we had two senior resources who were trying to understand from the presentation on the state of the market. they came across as tremendously shallow and surprised, while those who have had the good fortune to be in the market were able to put the presentation in better context. Of course it did not help that while the two extremely talented ladies in research did a great job in researching but an absolute bummer of a job in putting the presentation together. I guess they were too used to putting together different segments, plenty of stupid insights and were unable to string a line together. I guess most companies want that. Give me differences, not what is common. They want to take apart every small segment and niche. I really don’t understand it as a base for a broad over arching marketing thought. But forget it. Let me not get too critical. I too know little and what little I know is also open for debate, discussion and plenty of learning.
What I do know is that too many people fart too much knowing too little. And too many people base their strategy by superficially knowing too little of those in and around themselves. I am happy and proud that I have forced, coerced and ensured that my team gets into the market themselves and see what the truth is. As I keep telling them, the company is dumb. They will be happy with whatever we give them, but it is up to us to know what we are doing, why we are doing and base our strategies and thought process on something we have found out. Even at the end of it all if we get five immediate action points, most research would have paid off.

Change adal badal

Ok. We did it. Now we have lesser bragging rights and thing less to show the world what a lovely clean and so smart family we are. We succumbed to the lure of entertainment. We finally bought a TV. After around five years of resisting and having a perfectly normal and perhaps far more enriching life. But we haven’t still sold our soul completely. We haven’t still got a cable connection at home. This one is exclusively for watching movies.
I was still trying to resist the idea when Jasmine brought it up. Our laptop had conked. Poor thing it has lasted us around five years. We kept it largely clean and simple with all the data in the hard drives. It still manages to boot up and connect to the internet, but it refuses to play the optical drives. So this vacation Jasmine was very unhappy that Jispa wouldn’t get her normal dose of movie watching which we happily get her on the laptop. I was more than happy to get one big piece home. Possibly a 17 inch laptop so that you get your laptop and a tv screen as well. Jasmine was adamant. TV it is. So after agonising a bit, I even tried procrastinating, so that she might pass it on, I finally said ‘chalo, we buy this piece today. TV buying was amazingly complex. Too many choices. So I just went to a friend’s shop who sold TVs. He simply asked what I needed it for and recommended the Plasma TV. He reasoned that it is cheaper than the new fangled LED TVs but is ideal to watch movies as the picture quality is better. LCD and LED TVs are sharper but they seem too sharp. The colors aren’t what the movie actually had. Unnecessarily brighter. The only drawback of the Plasma being the reflection from ambient light. But if it was only movies and typically we would darken the room, the Plasma would suit us just fine. Quick online searches also seemed to say something similar.
So we now have a 42 inch Full HD TV. A decent size for the hall when taken in length. Jispa was also very happy. I told her to thank mommy. I was the original opposer! But I guess it’s a good buy. We can now see the action movies or any other movies that we miss at the theatres. Saturday or Friday evening can be a bit more relaxing. The burn in the pocket – around 50 k with a DVD player, thrown in. The first movie we saw on Sunday when we installed the TV – ICE AGE 2. It was pretty cool. I really thought that the picture quality was excellent. But then as someone from my team asked – so how is your new TV? ‘What a question’ I answered. ‘you want me to say bad things about a TV I just bought? I am trying to justify every penny of it for Christ’s sake.’
So now Jispa’s vacation just got prettier. But to talk about bad timing, my office research project also just kicked off and I would be living out of a suitcase for the next month. Just in time to miss Jispa’s vacation. It’s nice during vacations, Jispa is awake by the time I come home. She plays, she reads, we talk, we eat dinner together etc. I miss this during her school days when her morning school ensures she sleeps pretty early.
Also Jispa is growing up. All my fatherhood I thought I would be a permissive father. A father who would allow Jispa a lot of freedom. Recently I realised that possibly not. I am just another pain in the neck pop who likes his daughter close to him. So these days when jasmine lets Jispa play down with her new found friends till late, I realised that I wanted and was happy to have my daughter close to me. While we expose her to a lot of experiences, I am not sure we are as liberal in exposing her independence. I think I particularly have a far more controlled environment for her. I take too much care of her, I want her in sight all the time. I want to know where she is and what she does all the time. At around 8 – 9 years, she is a mini adult. A grown up who understands, thinks and remembers. A person capable of independent thought, capable of handling herself.
As a friend recently remarked – I think I have to learn to let go. Can I? Reading the Buddha book on psychotherapy has taught me not to give advice to anyone at the drop of a hat. To know that people will solve issue son their own. They don’t really need you to help them solve it. I realised that most of the time they only need support. Sometimes it’s going to go against my wish, my immediate reaction, but I am going to be there – period. I am not giving advice any more.
I find it weird but it’s almost like saying ‘its your shit’, your call, your life. In any case most of us don’t really want advice; they want to do what they want to. Whatever you say will be interpreted by their brain in their way towards their goals and objectives. A certain sense of calm suddenly seems to have been come over me. It is still draining but a less intensive sort of way.
Possibly I will learn to let go. Relax. Possibly it will help Jispa. Possibly it is freeing Jasmine a bit. You know what – now knowing for sure that you know nothing is such a relief. I not someone blessed by God to solve people’s problems. I just happened to be there when someone needed me. Period. Its so nice not to be Budhha. Ya ya. I guess I was in some sense egoistic about being one. Self deluded about my knowledge. I am nothing. I do not have the ability to solve people’s issues. Who says they need solving? We don’t even know that. If I feel strongly I will say it and let go. I think I am changing. My wife thinks I am changing. I hope I am changing. I am happy at least I am receptive. But at the same time it hurts me to think that I was not that a good smart guy after all. I was an ass that needed change. Eeps. It hurts, no I am not depressed about it, but it hurts. When Jasmine felt that I changed for the better, I did not know whether to be happy that I did change or to feel sad that I needed to change.
Screw it. I am changing and I feel better. So we figure out life anew. Hopefully I can look at this and say this is my second big transformation. The first one happened when I interacted with two great souls and outstanding minds, Rajesh Sahadevan and Dharen Chaddha. This was in 2003/4. This is the second wave that could possibly completely radically alter my thought process.
To talk about Dharen, since when the research started I cannot but remember my days with him. Today when I am doing research I can only thank him and rajesh for showing me what is marketing all about; and thanks to that people in my team can possibly learn from my experience. Simple listening and straight forward thinking is giving me a whale of an opportunity to change the firm I am in. Mostly I will not change it too much, but I can make small impacts, small push to the wheel. Small addition to momentum or simply removal of stones blocking the path.
I have already learnt so many lessons and we haven’t even reached the half way stage. Hectic days that start early and end late are all worth it when you learn like this. Wow. I am super excited and super charged. Now just to ensure that too many people don’t dampen this enthusiasm. Dharen please be with me on this one and show me light.
PS – I recently spoke to Dharen after 7 odd years. I could nothing more than just simply keep crying on the phone while talking to him. He is my God. My Dronacharya who I keep in mind while practising. I know I take a few shortcuts but I still know and I hope he will understand, that I am not selling my soul, but I am merely buying peace, so that a bigger goal is achieved. Dharen, I need you now as much as ever and you are there with me as much as ever.

entertainment attempts

It’s funny how I seem to have hit a writer’s block. There seems to be nothing interesting to write about. Sure there is always something happening in my life and office, but does it really warrant a post? Especially on a blog that about my daughter growing up. Like today when we put money on the table and incited a trainee to pull the cheek of her boss. We had to really push her and motivate her. We kept putting one tenner after another till the purse became around 150 odd bucks. The only condition was that she should pull the check till it turns red. No red no money. Since her boss reported into me, I also had to indemnify her against possible back lash, which I promptly did. So finally she did. She pulled his cheek. But alas, no red. But we weren’t complaining. We got the shock and awe we wanted without losing a single penny, her boss was wondering what happened to her and we had a great laugh all around.
So how does this qualify as a blog entry except for the fact that her dad is a complete whacko and can constantly think of funny stuff to liven up the office. Office by definition is a dull drab place needing a shake here and a shake there. But it can’t warrant too many posts.
As regards Jispa latest adventures, she was on the last book of the Harry Potter series and her vacation started. Vacations means less sleep for me, late nights for her and me stuck in a time warp where I can’t make out if I must wake up early or sleep in till late and screw my carefully orchestrated schedule. So as her vacation started she simply has left her Harry Potter and picked up on Asterix comics. She loves them and the wam, boom,crash, poof etc that come along with it. As I did so at her age, she too is too bored to read the names of the characters, which though long winded have clever use of the pun, Getafix and Vitalstatistix as prime examples. I too never really read their names in details. Just passing them over to see the big fights with the Romans. It’s weird how we find the clearly one sided fights so funny. There is never a balance and the magic potion is the answer to almost every problem. Smash everything through a magic potion. The only one time I remember a twist in the tale when at the Olympics, Asterix refuses to take the potion and comes out superior. In fact gives it to his opponents and wins the fight in the end. How did he do that? Sorry I am not giving any spoilers here, but it surely was a fun issue. In front of Asterix, even Tintin looks more human, more vulnerable.
I remember being completely lost in these comics as kid. Full of amazing adventure and imagination. I feel Jispa is really lucky to be in an era of book shops where the child is completely allowed to sit and read, lost in the books around. When I was smaller, in dubai, we used to be near the book section reading comics at the Choitaram stores. These were the big supermarkets run by the mallus from india. While their book collection wasn’t so big, it was enough to give us enough reason to be lost in it. Every 10 minutes a mallu would run around chasing us away. We would disperse only to be back in five minutes. It’s nice to see bookstores like the Crosswords and Landmark having large children book collections and large comic book collections. It is always fun to be lost at a book store. This time around in Pune Landmark, Jispa was lost at the Amar Chitra Katha section. Pic below.



Noting much to note about, except the fact that I have bought the entire collection and it is lying at home at her disposal. Not that she doesn’t touch them; she does read them, but I just found it queer for her to intently read at a section where she has unlimited access to at home. Kids. I think you always love something more if it’s given outside of the house.
But it’s a lovely and heartening thing to see her thus. Completely at ease and completely at bliss at a bookstore. Jasmine and I believe that this largely due to the absence of the TV at the house. This too is going to soon change. Jasmine believes that now the time is right for the TV to make an appearance in the household but still the cable is not welcome. Only TV for movie watching. So the bug debate is plasma vs LCD vs LED and 32 inches vs 42 inches. With three choices on one axis and two on the other, this is causing severe stress. Add to these axis the third dimension of the price trade off, and what have you – complete inertia. Now I don’t care about it and I want to not buy the dam piece. Screw you. No TV. Poor Jispa was telling me that she doesn’t really require a TV, she is happy with the books at home. She probably wants to spare me the expense. What to do? Will let you know the update in a weeks time. as of now one is playing with a 35k 32 inch LED vs a 42K 42 inch plasma or feel rich with a 42 inch 60K LED. While the Sony looks good, the brand choice might be simply dictated by the model that plays MP4 format. And that seems to be the LG. so that is a easy choice. MP4 is critical as all my handycam and digital video shoots are in that format. I am not sitting and converting those into anything else. Especially if I want to play them directly off the TV. But if I am buying the optical media player in any case, I simply buy the drive that plays the format and screw whatever the TV okays as it will simply show whatever the DVD player wants it to. Which brings me to the next question – blue ray versus normal VD or simply buy a movie media box player that plays off the box in HD clarity. Add to that is the 3D versus non 3D technology. ARRRGGGHHHH. I don’t want the dam thing. screw you.
While on the topic I wonder, why would they give only set of 3D goggles with your TV. Shouldn’t you give at least 2?

should we, shouldn't we?

Yesterday was Jispa’s PTM. It’s pretty much more of the same thing every year. When they are yet so young the PTM’s are a bit of a bore. Nothing much gets said and nothing much really happens. Jispa is by and large a sweet well mannered kid. Add to that is Jasmine’s commitment to Jispa’s school work and you have a pretty boring PTM. Her grades are decent, her work is decent and she manages her extra-curriculars decently well. Nothing exciting or interesting. But that’s how the education system is, isn’t it.
You follow simple norms and simple principles and stay in line. They don’t want you out of the system. Straight and narrow line is drawn as a system and you are expected to toe it. Of course things have improved. There is a lot more interaction today than it was in my days. The classes and the teachers are much more fun, at least in jispa’s school, compared to my school. But I suspect the hammering to stay in line is still there.
Jispa has a vivid and massive imagination. She can think of fun stuff and interesting stuff. Thanks to this she is many a time lost in her dream world. While bathing, getting ready, studying etc. always a dream world. I think thanks to this she can visualize all the science stuff as well as the abstract stuff that we talk about very well. But this is also the reason she gets into trouble – like she can’t finish her work in time or take her note sin time. Jasmine and I get castigated many times on this by well meaning friends. They always tell us, why are you scolding her thus and why don’t you just let it be?
The answers aren’t so simple. Jispa wants to do well in school. She wants to do well in life. As of now her goal in life is to be a scientist who invents something. She hasn’t yet meet Edison, but if she does, I suspect that guy is likely to be her big time role model. Many times she and I have had a chat on how scientists make money. She thought they will always be poor as who will give them money till they invent something that they can sell. And as it takes a lot of time to invent something, they are probably living a hand to mouth existence most of the time. I explained that most of the time you don’t really need to invent something as a scientist, you can sometimes, simply take things forward. The thing that comes to my mind is Newton who famously remarked about standing on the shoulders of giants. Nice thought. I will explain it to Jispa sometime.
But yes that’s the thing – Jispa has ambitions and goals. And sadly they are intertwined with a system that is regimented. The cross that we as parents have to bear is this. We have to give her a life that is free and fertile, full of imagination, play and opportunity. We have to give her a ton of experiences that allow her to blossom and choose what she wants to do or not do. She has to have a million experiences, but she also has to stay within a line if she is to have the chance to harness it. I haven’t learnt a great deal from my management education. In fact I tell people that I know what I know and have achieved whatever little I have not thanks to my management education but in spite of it. I still remember the lovely lectures and all the lovely experiences of the best teachers I have had, but have no respect for any of the tests or exams I took. I know only too well of the trauma they have caused. But also I know that I wouldn’t have been able to talk or have been able to lead, or been able to do much without this education. The system wouldn’t have given me so many chances.
The system is so bloody spooked that even the college you graduate from matters immensely. Many times I think what more I would have achieved had I been from a better college. Not a tiny bit more from what I might have learnt from there but simply, how many extra chances I might have got.
Jispa’s imagination will take her places. Her thinking will help her, but she will have to learn to rein it in for now. Control it and stay within line. The line is getting a bit broader, just a bit. They also now allow you periods when you can step out and come back in. but as I have learnt, she too will. It’s like the some fantasy movie. There is a golden ball with the dragon, but you the trick to take it from the dragon, is not to snatch it but to first bow down to it. Show your respect to the dragon and then only would the dragon allow you to come near it and collect it.
The education she gets is important and interesting. I still remember a lot of my chemistry and physics and mathematics. I remember a lot of the poems I learnt. They are good for sure. It’s only the way they want conformity is what I have an issue with. But till the system changes, Jispa will get a bit of scolding. She will have to wake up in time and get ready in time. She will have to sit at one place and get her Hindi spellings right. While I can read Hindi, one of the biggest regrets I have had is that I am unable to read Hindi literature. If she grows up wanting to read it, she will have to start now. And if she doesn’t do it now, she probably will never have the chance to do it.
We insist and make her practice the guitar. She loves it and is now pretty decent at playing it. She enjoys playing and practicing, but to get her to the table and sit down to practice it, is something that we as parents will have to do. Forget all this big stuff, Jispa will have to temper her imagination if she wants to get anything in life. Even she wants to see a movie, she will have to get out of the showers after her swim and get ready in time. It’s the same thing.
This life is pretty cruel. You have to make choices. The education system is a good scapegoat that all of us like to hit and blame. The only reality is time. We come with limited time and the dam thing doesn’t wait for us. We have to conform to it. An interesting perspective I read – time was thought of as a constant flowing thing, till we invented a clock that took this flow and broke it down into tiny tiny bits. Into hours and minutes and seconds and so on. It created a tick followed by a tick. I dare say in our bid to tame it we became its slaves. To think of it, it might have been the single biggest innovation that lead to progress and the single biggest contributor of stress.
So there – our parenting will get tested very often. We will have to give a free life within the boundaries defined. A paradoxical construct that stresses us as parents as much as it stresses the child. The only way is out is to try and get middle ground, a large middle ground, that allows for break outs and allows for us to listen. We must constantly be ready to expand this ground. The parents prayer – allow me to protect my child but more importantly, please let me know when to stop.