simple life

20 years of being married. This Saturday. But it’s already been 28 years of knowing each other. So it’s a difficult milestone to celebrate. And for a couple that is highly practical parents of a young child, it no big deal. Where do we celebrate? Should we go somewhere?

This is similar to the question that I ask my self – what is Jispa’s life untested by faith. Just because we haven’t taught her to pray, I wonder what will happen in adversity. Who will she look to for help? Will it better or worse for her? Similarly – Jasmine and I have been a practical couple. We have known each other for 28 years and I guess since the last 20 years we haven’t really given each other gifts for anniversaries and birthdays. We figured that both our lives are fairly intertwined. We have equal and joint control and visibility on our bank accounts. We know how much money is there or not. We know exactly what the other wants and we buy what we want. It’s not like we hold to expensive things. If it something we want and we will use, we buy. There is no real gifting opportunity.

If it’s impractical to buy it then we don’t buy it. It might be expensive or will not be used or whatever, then we don’t buy it and we don’t bother about it. Hence we can’t buy each other anything. I know she feels and I know I feel that we should gift each other something from time to time but whenever we think about it we look at each other and go… nahhh!

We have even told each other that we would NOT appreciate a surprise party. DON’T EVER DO IT! We have warned each other about it. Probably we are too bored about celebrating it or too practical but definitely we would appreciate a surprise party. Forget surprise, we don’t even appreciate parties.

In the new house, for sure our socializing has gone up. Significantly. We can have larger groups of people coming over and enjoying together. We seem to like people coming home and we play games together. Which reminds me – I have to buy more games. Whenever I get an opportunity.

But in the new house we have stocked enough and we have structured our house in way that we cater to more people having fun. We have a well-stocked pantry cupboard next to the dining table which in turn in next to the windows, occupying the best place in the living room. Cause that is where we figured is the best place to cater to our friends. When we have friends over and we are playing games, no one moves from that place for hours. We practically spend the entire evening/ night or day sitting in just one place. The secondary fridge is also next to it making getting up only a matter of going to the loo.

That’s been our life. We like to keep things simple and practical. You don’t need too much to enjoy. You work hard, save enough, invest more. That’s it. I think we are too practical for anything. Too practical to enjoy gifting.

But I remember my tenth anniversary. We had an event the next day in Grand Hyatt. I want to remember the 20^th. What should I do? Let me see if Jasmine’s wants to book a restaurant for dinner. Let’s see. Just a quiet dinner at a nice simple place. That would be nice. Let’s see.

Watch out for that tree!

How do you stop and conquer stupidity? I think the answer is simple. You use your brains to think, consider the options and make your choice. Most of the time a simple well thought of course of action is a typical antidote to stupidity. Stupidity is typically brash, fast. Considered thought should normally be rational and trained and able to remove the elements of stupidity. Daniel Kahneman spoke of the two brains when he wrote about thinking fast and slow. He wasn’t necessarily talking stupid when he spoke of using the fast brain, but I think fast, untrained brains are normally stupider.

So I have an ACL tear in my right knee and my doctor wanted me to rest my left knee as he thinks that the tear will not be total in the left one. So that’s a lot of resting the knee and not doing stunts for sure. Over the week end we were in Ahmednagar in my brother’s bungalow, in the middle of nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. The beautiful Indian Deccan plateau where there is nothingness for miles, hard brown lands and short thorny shrubs that have gotten used to the heard summers and the cold dry winters. More droughts than not bring a dusty dry climate to the area which contrasts with the flat lands with no hills in sight and a beautiful blue sky. Yes it is a romantic place. It particularly reminds me of the wide vast landscape that we see from the trains speeding through most of the Indian countryside.

It’s great for walks in the field and the vast open spaces for flying a kite. We did both. Sheer joy. I took my daughter and my nephew for both. While walking and talking and walking we came across a tree that looked perfect for climbing. I helped Jispa and my nephew up the tree and took photos. No way was I climbing that tree. My knees are completely gone. I dont have the leg nor the arm and shoulder strength to hoist myself up.

Trees always had a fascination for me. Every tree is nothing but an invitation to climb up, hang around and turn over hang again and swing. The branches extending and the odd rump allow for a magical unpredictable never ending experience. I love trees. I think I have pictures of me swinging form trees ever since I was five years old.

It was good fun to encourage the kids to climb. A little bit of hoisting and then you are free to jump up and climb higher and higher. The trick to having a great tree climb is to have the first branch close enough to terra firma. Then the rest is easy. Some trees with smoother barks have lesser insects and ants compared to others, which makes it an even more fun experience. This tree was perfectly nice and round and alluring. After hoisting the kids, I looked at the branch extending.

I looked at it and told myself no. Nopes. Not happening. I am not going to be able to reach it. Just out of reach on a ground sloping away. I am not strong enough and my knees would be in trouble. In fact I just told the kids that I may be able to climb up but how would I get down? It would impossible for me to land.

I took a few photos and looked around as they climbed from branch to branch. Standing under the tree I looked at them and wondered… isn’t that branch within grasp. No … how can it, you will land on your feet and you will get screwed. No, it will screw you. You wont even reach it and even if you will, how will you get off. And you will most likely reach it, try and grasp it and then fall bad. No jaimit not possible. But its right there, there… within your shot, at least try, Jump. You can do it. Yes you can. I looked at the branch and I clearly remember arguing to myself in the head and thinking clearly and then jumping.

I fell with my knee giving way and getting completely screwed. I was writhing in pain on the floor holding my left knee. It was bad.

When I reached back home Jasmine looked at me and asked what happened. When I explained to her, she was quite exasperated. How could you? I looked at her and told her. I don’t know how to stop this from happening again! It was a considered action. I knew the consequences. I knew the odds and I knew it was a stupid move and I thought through and I still did it. Yes. I don’t know now how to stop it from happening again. I don’t know what to do.

If you know where you erred and you know how you did it and you knew of it before you did it, then how do you stop it. Theoretically you know not to do it again but in such a case where is the guarantee. The guarantee is that you will do it again. You will have to train your mind to a stronger degree. To stop this stupidity. A much stronger degree.

pass

Have you ever died? In the recent past?

Jispa had her sea swimming nationals on Monday. A few weeks back the coach had announced on the group that the competition was there and that we could take part. Jispa has never taken part in a sea swim and we were surprised that she was interested. I called up the coach and asked if it doable. He said not to worry and he said he would organize a training session soon enough.

We took the kids along with the parents to a place off Alibaug. We took a boat a few kms into sea and got the kids to swim. There were two boats for safety. The kids jumped in and started to swim. These rae powerful swimmers. They could simply just start swimming. After some time I was tempted. I had packed my swim shorts just for this. I changed and told Jasmine that I too wanted to jump. She of course thought that I knew what I was up to and allowed me to jump. There was a kid along with me, Krish. Krish is a regular swimmer and for some reason he swam a little and then came back on boat. I told him that I will jump along with him and that we should try again. Seeing me, he agreed and we jumped in together. I think he waited for me to jump and then followed.

All it needed was a little encouragement from my side and the boy was all home at sea. I hadn’t carried my swim googles. Which are the most important thing was sea swimming as they protect from the burning salt getting into your eyes. I had borrowed Krish’s google which were way too tiny for me. I could barely see in them. As a result of which it was a painful swim and I just couldn’t get myself to put my head in the water and I started swimming with my head up.

Krish in the meanwhile was way ahead. He is a powerful swimmer. Jispa was way ahead and there were a couple of kids behind me. I knew one parent was swimming at the end and so was one coach. Soon I began to tire. Especially with my bad stroke. My shoulder tired off first with all the head up strokes. And then I saw the boat which was beside me, speeding ahead. I have two bad knees and kicking to stay afloat while standing is also a pain.

That was the end. I died. Or was sure to if I wasn’t smart enough to give up now. I waved frantically for the boat. Non one was there to see me. They were too focused on the kids. I saw a couple of good swimmers passing by and I simply shouted ‘help’. In an instant I realized one thing. If these swimmers pass me by, then I would be the last and I would surely drown. Surely. One swimmer came up and held me. He asked me “do you have cramps?”. I simply said yes. who was to explain that I hadn’t anything but fast depleting bravado inside. He held on and a few shouts later the boat turned around and came to pull me up.

So yes. I died. Some egocentric part of me. Some bravado in me and something else.

A near death experience (small & tiny) is important in life. At about 40. I think when you are younger, it’s just an adrenaline rush. When you get older you realise what it means to die. As a kid I once ran across the road to fall in front of a screeching car. I remember seeing the tyre close to me. I must have been in the 2^nd grade or something. The image of the tyre is still fresh in my head. When I went to dubai recently, I think I saw the place near where it happened as well. Or at least I thought it was there.

I remember my first realization of being scared to die. The first time I was startled and worried about death came to me in a funny way. I walking on the platform and a train came behind me silently and honked very close to me. Wow. That was scary. I have no clue why it was scary but it was. I remember being in college and thinking that this was the first time I was scared of dying. I reasoned that now with Jasmine by my side, I had something to cling onto life. It difficult to peep into your brains and understand more but all I remember is that, it was the first time I felt I knew what it was to be scared of death

I still wonder what it would be like to die. I wonder, what it would be to have a terminal disease. I wonder what it would be to be faced with sure and clear death. The next day after my stupid drowning attempt, I swam in the pool. It was a tough thing to do. I kept thinking about the incident at sea. Now also a week later, when I think about it, it’s a suffocating feeling. I don’t like it.

What it would be for the soldiers at war, constantly being bombarded with bullets flying off in all directions. When I played paintball once in a shootout competition, I realized that danger can come from all sides. It is stress full to be in such a situation when you have bullets coming at you. I think that’s why there is the brian wash of deep and crazy patriotism and huge stress on obedience, else why would anyone just go like crazy into war facing bullets and death.

Some amount of brain washing is completely necessary. That’s why we also have life after death and that God will call us and love us. Now that I am an atheist and completely agnostic towards the concept of a patriotic nation state, I wonder if I will be brave enough to die. Hahaha. Brave enough to die, is it? It should be read as “foolish enough to be brave enough to die”.

So that’s my little scrambled brain moment. If I die who will cry and for what? It easy to get too philosophical about death. As I stepped out of the pool, I kept thinking about my experience and how profoundly it might change me only to have another (very crucial) part of me, slap me hard and make me smile. You idiot.  Stupid people or protagonists in movies have death experiences that change them. I don’t think that just because I am dying or I faced death, I must change my life. I am smart enough to be healthy (habit wise), I am smart enough to know my choices and their consequences and I am what I am.

Being a dad is also a weird experience. When Jispa was taken in a boat to the middle of the sea for the competition, I was also completely confused. I did not know what to feel. It is a dangerous thing, the sea. Vast endless sea. I had a little feeling inside of me that I will lose her. What on earth am I allowing? But at the same time, I have to. If she doesn’t do it now and if I don’t encourage her now, then when? What yaar. Such a wild thing life is.

I was telling Jasmine, that once a year, I want to go alone and travel. All alone, but only for one day. Full stop. Then come back. I can’t handle more without family. Sometimes, Jasmine wants that as well but I guess she can stay for a few more days alone.

But yes, I seem to have become a little more philosophical for sure. I look at myself and smile. This too shall pass Jaimit. Soon you will be normal again. Yes the mind will settle down soon enough and be clear again. Time to let it pass.

One thing keeps coming to me again and again. My dad got his first heart attack at the age of 45. I am 43.

crowning glory

It always nice to be proven wrong. To have a change of heart or head. To hold a notion or long and then to have compelling evidence to change it. For long we never had cable at home. That was the big pound thing and looking at us a few friends of ours also followed suit and it did make for an enriching life. What is that cable can add to our life. It was a wonderful life with Jispa as she grew up withour cable.

In the new house, we bought a new TV but we still did not want cable. We just simply connected it to the internet and through Prime and Hotstar I thought we had it pretty much licked. I wasn’t so kicked about Netflix. I was not a TV series kind of guy. Why would I need Netflix. Then a friend came home and just logged me onto his plan. He had one extra login free. Ok fair.

For the last few months I simply watched a few movies on Netflix and I hated the experience. How many movie titles do you need to browse through to choose the one you like? Jasmine hated me for it. I tried one series in the House of cards, but I just couldn’t handle it for long. I get bored. And I hated series even more. Why would I invest 10s of hours when you can get story in 3 and be done with?

This went on till on a lark I just tried a series on Netflix called The Crown and I was hooked. It is a terrific series which perfectly sits with my sensibility. A well-produced drama based on history. It tries to get behind the story of the Queen of England.  Their approach is brilliant and in every episode they try and get behind the character and help you understand their issues, motivations, fears and pride. And since they have Churchill featured very prominently in the first ten episodes, I was completely hooked. It brought alive the character of the man after the war as an old and ageing politician fighting to stay with his glory of winning the world war. The dialogues are brilliant and Jispa and I keep clapping whenever he has his sharp wit at play.

Now I understand why people are hooked to series. One friend had told me – a series works as he found it a waste to invest time in a movie. A series the return is over a longer period. With The Crown, I would agree. Now I am invested in the characters and their inner travails. I will appreciate it much more over a period of time. And the fact that it makes for family viewing. We all are hooked. I am now right now binge watching the live episodes and I guess we will wait after we are done for the new episodes.

Of course the binge watching is not anywhere like what the millennials watch. At best we can take in about 4 to 5 episodes in a day. The millennials do the full series in one sitting, one night. It’s a killer. In any case whatever little I binge is also possible just because I have a banged up knee and I am forced to stay at home. My bloody bum is hurting from all the sitting I am doing. It is painful. But I am so looking forward to my surgery.

My hope is that once the surgery is done, I will be fully rehabilitated and I will be able to run a like a mad man again. I want to run fast and hard and I want to take part in an obstacle course or something like that. I know now I can be fit and fast. It’s crazy for me to be this way at 43 but I am loving it. I never knew that I could grow older and fitter. Wah wah.

But I like that at 43 I am learning new things as a person, as a binge watcher, as a sportsperson and as a human. Its lovely man!

kneed some more love

Jispa had an assignment in English on Elon Musk and his 120 hour work week. Ya. It’s a bit of a tough thing to keep a 120 hour work week going. I work five days a week and I think I can manage 60 hours. I come to work by around 815 after dropping Jispa and then I get back home after 9. I think I am overdoing this but, right now there is a magnitude of issues hitting and it would take at least 2 – 3 years to sort some of the issues.

2 – 3 years. Yes. One of the things that I have learnt over a period of time is that work in large organizations take time. I have seen this company since 18 years. The calls taken 18 years ago come to haunt us afterwards. It takes that long to unravel the mess caused. With large heads sitting everywhere, it’s a time consuming effort to unravel the whole thing. You also need to hire right, put the wheels in motion and then you start seeing the efforts. Patience.

But thing is about work life balance. Work life balance. I don’t know about it. When I go home I try not to work. On weekends, I try and largely succeed to stay off my laptop and work. I figure that I spend so much time in office that I don’t need more time to give it. I was speaking to Jasmine and I was explaining the sexy work that I was doing in office and how I was pushing a young kid to do it. Even on weekends. My belief that at 43, I wish I had a chance to push myself at 23. Life would have been different. Hence that’s why I have figured that it best to push the kids at work. I now have little or no regret to see them working on weekends or late at night.

Someone asked me if I was a workaholic. I don’t know. The definition is “a person who compulsively works excessively hard and long hours.”  I think the key word is compulsively. I work hard and long hours but I don’t do it compulsively. I am happy to not work. Right now we have to achieve much and do much and that’s why I work as hard as I do. It definitely not for the simple joy of working that I do it. I would much rather not work so hard. I would rather go home, watch a movie, run around, swim, and play badminton… whatever.

Coming to which. At the start of the month I had the good fortune of going to Israel on a work trip. It’s a lovely country and the people have shown what a resolute bunch of people with no shared national identity but a shared religion and a sense of a shared history of persecution can do. Jews around the world have come and set up their land and lived together creating a thriving country from nothing more than a desert. As every Israeli will tell you, they sleep with their one eye open. They are hated by their neighbors who would like to finish them off in an instance. It’s a global melting pot. Especially thanks to Jerusalem, which is the holy place for Jews, Christians and Muslims, all together in one crazy tight part of the city.

This character of making the most from less and the cut throat competition coming in from immigrants all over the world, make Israel a culture you can only learn from. They always want to make the most from the least. Their products are top class thanks to their legendary investments in technology and the fact that they don’t have enough people or resources forces them to design products that are simple to implement and self-serving. It’s difficult to explain in terms of tech but the simplest example of this is in irrigation. They are country who invented drip irrigation. A perfect example of irrigation technique that uses less water and people for the maximum impact.

I went running there, every morning. I travel very badly when I am without family. I sleep late, I laze in bed and just generally I am a grumpy guy. So I decided that with my new found passion for running, I should pack my running shoes and kit and go running there every day. We were staying next to the beach promenade and that would definitely be an added reason to go running every day. So I did go running religiously. It was great run. Beach side, water points along the way. Lots of open gyms. Everyone running there. It was awesome. I saw a lot of locals playing beach volleyball on the nets laid out for the people. It was the perfect recipe for disaster.

In the evening after a lovely swim in the Mediterranean Sea (bucket list tick) while passing the beach, I couldn’t help but notice some locals goofing around. We started playing with them. They were playing volleyball but like football volley ball.  The kid came out in me and the bucket list number 2 kicked in. We joined in and a few stunts later, I fell in pain. I have been taking care of my right knee for so many years. It keeps getting dislocated and I keep putting it back. This time around, while attempting, god know what, my right knee gave in. Oh freak. It didn’t dislocate but it did twist enough to give me problems. It went for the rest of the trip.

When I was back in office, I was gently trying to kick some kid in office when my knee buckled in again and I feel to the floor. It was time to go to the orthopedic surgeon. An x-ray and an MRI later, the verdict is out. I have severe ACL tear. In both knees. Which means surgery, one by one in both knees. Okay. That is fun. It also means being out of action for almost a year from most sports. Oh shit. In way I was / am really disappointed. I was doing great. I had restarted running and I was doing 6 to 8 kms at one stretch without too much effort. I could have gone on and on for long. But as Jispa was counselling me “don’t regret it. You did go out in style.” Ya. I sure did. Now what. Well surgery will follow. They supposedly take my tendon and stretch it to become a ligament or something. It’s a minimal invasive surgery. Also there is the matter of a meniscus tear in the right knee that requires shaving off. Sigh.

I have always looked at the bright side of things and while at it, I thing this knee thing was a blessing in disguise. I had so far refused to see the orthopedic. It turn out that if I don’t get this fixed now, I might have needed knee replacement at 55. That would have been pretty painful I guess. At 55!

On another note. We have been enjoying our new home quite well. We seem to be lazing around at home most holidays. Stepping out for a quick meal nearby and watching Netflix. It’s a neat big house that I might have dreamed off, all my life. Neat and tight. The big TV in the hall also seems perfect, as we lounge around and watch Netflix and Amazon Prime. And the best part – we have kabaddi season starting soon.

Kabaddi is the thing that we family bond over. Especially when we understand the sport from close quarters and get some inside dope. Fitness has come to kabaddi and we now are seeing the benefits of this in the players as they get better. It has been a lucky break for me in my life. Things that come to you just because you are open to new experiences and learnings.

random thoughts to start writing

Jispa is now string enough to bully Jasmine. At home she jumps on Jasmine and pins her down. Jasmine can do much except protest. Both of them have these cute physical fights around the house and it always ends with Jasmine getting bullied by Jispa. So when they are whacking each other, I find it amazing to see Jispa getting whacks from Jasmine and standing her ground.

They grow up strong. Jispa and I were discussing the other day on how we have gotten her to grow. Whenever she would get hurt I would ask her “do you enjoy doing what you were doing while getting hurt?”. “yup? Then shut up and grin it and bear it.” She remembers that till now. In some ways, many ways, a father has mildly succeeded. I am happy. Shits gonna happen. You gonna have fun and then move on. You can’t dwell on it screwing your day. Too Much.

I remember the song Sunscreen. I have posted it before. It gives life advice and always goes back to the simple thing of using sunscreen. For me – it fresh tender coconut water. Always drink fresh coconut water. It helps me regulate my acidity and helps me hydrate myself. Everyday morning when I wake up and I have to go to play, I have coconut water. I cannot stress less on the fact that you must have coconut water. On days when I think I haven’t drank enough water, I have a coconut water. It just seems to take away all my issues. It’s the best thing in the world. It’s my answer to Sunscreen.

Advice – here is one – don’t take and please don’t give. Your job is to just hang around and listen. Advice is always subjective. How do I get myself to stop giving advice? I have no clue. I want to stop it.

Food is getting weird for me by the day. As I am growing older I am getting more and more sensitive to different kinds of foods. I feel potatoes don’t work for me in the tiffin. Funnily they seem to work in restaurants. Possibly it’s the ginger or garlic along that works. I don’t know. Tomato soup – can’t have that as well. Funny… I loved that as a kid. Cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Now I feel it gives me acidity. Chopped tomatoes are good. It’s the soup that takes me out.

Coffee – I have written about this. Not two days in a row, else bad headache the third day. Funny nah?

I am trying to get my tummy to be in some better shape. So trying to avoid fried. Oh god, I don’t drink, smoke, no lactose, no potatoes, no soup and now less fried… Jasmine is so done with me. Plus I don’t like pulses as well. They too interfere with my digestion. Dal is also doing funny things. What the hell… I will survive on coconut water now. What say?

But this is the thing that I like about myself. I don’t bother too much with this. I don’t get too annoyed with all these issues. If I can’t help these things then what can I do about it. That’s what I try and tell Jasmine. I can’t help it if I got a weak stomach and a strong brain. Such is life. You have to make do with the best that you get.

Speaking of strong brains. I am struggling to see strong brains in the company from the middle lot. They are really really dumb. You get some amazing talent from the really young guys but there is some serious talent missing from the middle layer. Possibly they are the ones who ran away because not much happened while they were here, and the dumb ones got promoted. Now I look back at my time and wonder if I was seriously underpaid. I was much smarter than these jokers at that age. Talent is so difficult to nurture and find.

Somewhere because of the policies of the past, people did not have the courage to break rules and dream big. Organization culture is so important. Because of an older culture the organisation today is stalled. You have to break. You have to push and you have to get new blood, new thinking and new energy into the functions you work. Breaking is an important part of building. Those who can’t break must be thrown out. Break and burn for new to grow.  Chase cute new things and new frontiers, not try and keep things as they were. The protector role is so glorified in some places.

I have started writing publicly. We have an emailer that is sent out to a bunch of prospects every weekend. The new content kid in my office thinks my writing is kind of cool and effective. She wants me to write every week. At first I wasn’t sure. But I am getting the hang of writing and getting my own mojo for the job. I think it’s coming out cool and succinct. Data seems to suggest that people are reading and clicking and giving us leads basis the stuff they read. Ok. That’s nice. It’s an awesome feeling to write and get feedback on it. I want to hone that skill set even more.

how's work doing?

There was a saying I read once. I think it was attributed to a US president, which basically said – a chance to work hard at work worth doing. I have loved this form the moment I read it. It’s perfect and in many ways it sums up my life approach to work. Give me meaningful work and then get out of the way. In fact – don’t give me any work. Allow me to work, I will find meaning, reach your objectives and yes – stay out of the way. That’s what I love doing. That drives me to work harder and harder and put long hours. Meaningful work and chance to make a difference to the company and the people around me.

It’s very difficult to define meaningful work. Different people would have different meaning to take from it. I also don’t know what really meaningful work is. The bare minimum is that I would need to find meaning is that I get to learn something interesting from it. Something new every day! That’s the fun bit. What’s the point of doing something same every day. I can’t handle that. When I am teaching I am sure I am doing a great job and helping the kids learn, but that’s not enough. What I really want is to teach new things what I have learnt or seen. New stuff. So teaching is as much about me as it is about the kids. Possibly it’s more about me than anything else.

Work is also I guess therefore more about me. I don’t care so much about the firm and the people in that sense. I know that with my standards of work are high enough for the firm to hugely benefit from it. But that is not the point of it. How can I wake up every day and say, today I will make my promoter happy or richer. He is already a billionaire many times over. That’s not the job is to build what I love and what I am proud of. An amazing practice and an amazing team to run that.

Which comes to the team. I can drive mu kids up the wall on doing good work. I refuse to be satisfied with their work or mine. I quietly admit to them (at times) that their work is awesome but more than anything, I want to always push the work to new boundaries and that they expand themselves in the bargain. Such expansion is not cheap. It will suck their lives, their self-worth, their egos, their commitment and their selves. But it will build a stronger them. A them, that is far more resilient and powerful and smart.

Right now also I am driving my kids’ nuts at work. The sharp ones are getting that the learning curve is immense and that they have to stay on top of it. They are working like crazy. They will reap the benefits of this for years to come. Some just don’t get it. They are not destined to learn more. They are destined to remain where they are and they will rot in there chubby holes. Learn more, work more. Bring boundless energy to work in the morning knowing that you are making a difference to yourselves and to your company and that you are building for the future. This learning is something that your family won’t understand or even remotely appreciate.

I remember that as a young kid, my wife and mother too wanted me to come home early. Later on, I remember talking to Jasmine and explaining to her that if I have to learn and do more, I have to work hard when I have the chance to. It’s not for anybody else or anything special, but it’s for me and my future. If I don’t push myself I don’t learn and if I don’t learn I don’t have a future. Plus, forget all the future, so many times, I don’t need a future… it’s just the present that matter in so many cases. A real chance to work hard. Who is going to argue with that? It adds meaning to my life.

So no I am not a workaholic. I won’t work for a career so much or for work itself. But I am a meanginoholic. I work for meaning and as long as I get meaning I will work. I teach because it had meaning. I play badminton because I find meaning in it. So also for running or swimming. Find meaning and go after it.

Jasmine now understands. She know that work is why we are where we are. The payoffs are great and awesome. Of course she wants more of me at home (I hope). But she realizes that work place is a treadmill on which you run.  I don’t go home tired and worried. Now I am past that. I go back happy that I have worked hard and learnt a lot and taught a lot. That’s important.

Is that worth dying for? I don’t know but absence of meaning is not worth living for. I am trying to find my fitness and I am trying to work towards my goals. I want to lose a few kilos, get leaner, run more and see what else I can do. I want to sleep well and manage that as well. I want to eat well. I am trying to find balance in all this. It’s a good thing. I am loving it.

In the middle of all this, I have not found the time to blog. That is something I have to do as well. Let’s see how I manage this as well. This blog has meaning for me even if Jispa never ever reads it. It has deep meaning for me.

learning joy

Jasmine is a sweetheart. She has the best relationships with all her maids. They love to work with her. In fact when we moved here, it was a difficult thing for her maids to now search for new jobs. They love her and want to work with her. Jasmine treats people like they should be – like people. With dignity and respect. When we moved out Jasmine gave away a lot of things to the maids. Including extra clothes, cupboards and what not. We even gave away random old electronic hardware lying around. Sure we could have made more money simply selling the stuff on ebay but Jasmine and me both reckon that probably there is more value to be derived from them using it than me getting a couple of thousand for old loose stuff lying around the house.

She also treats them well, feeds them, gives them tea and generally takes care of them. So for every Sunday when Jasmine wants the old maid to come and help her around the house, she comes and then refuses to take money from her for a couple of hours work. It’s funny to see Jasmine trying to force them to take money and them running away.

We learn by observing and I learnt how to treat other humans from other people. My dad, my wife, my bosses and my friends. This is not something that can be learnt from moral science class in school. You have to experience and be willing to learn. Different people teach us how to handle different incidents. As I grew up I was a bit confused on how to treat people. I had compassion but around me was an India divided by huge chasms. The gap between the have nots and the haves was wide and there seemed to be an atmosphere of mistrust. Servants had to be kept an eye on, as they could steal and one should not intermingle too much. I think slowly as we began growing out of our disparities we learnt to deal with people.

Possibly also I learnt to deal with people as I grew up and there was no real economic change as I see it. Whatever be the case. I learnt to deal with people from other people. I do remember that being a training set. How to deal with sweet people and how to deal with irritating people. How to say no, how to cajole and how to reward. Jasmine has taught me a whole lot of all the people. She doesn’t try and influence people, she doesn’t try and push them, she just is. She just does what comes to her and people get influenced by her. They love her and work for her.

What may be my style? I am trying to hard or trying to less or the fact may be that I am trying, while Jasmine simply is being herself. I don’t know. But I do know that I try to treat people in way that I have learnt works for me. This is also basis how people have been with me. I see and I learn.

Learning is an everlasting process without a time line and structure. In fact structured learning is amongst the worst ways to learn. It surely tries to accelerate learning but it leaves much to be desired. I was talking to Jispa the other day. She goes for the international curriculum at school, which is far more advanced than what I had in school. She has critical thinking, an ability to reason and a freedom to write her mind. Her exams are more on experience, perspective rather than memory and rote. It’s lovely. But it’s only as lovely as the teacher makes it out to be. Awesome teachers make the classroom and the subject more interesting and the irritating ones make the subject boring. Some try and only explain how to attack the question paper and write things that are designed to get marks. There goes the studies.

That’s the problem with a structured education – it seeks to impart and then measure. While measuring it seeks to rank. To rank it needs a certain set of guidelines, schemes and structures for uniformity. There – we have reached a point where the twain are at odds with each other. It is now by definition doomed to failure. Should I learn for marks or should I learn for what I want to learn. I am screwed.

Yesterday with a friend we were discussing education and courses. My view was that it’s asking for way too much to get a child to figure what they want to do by the time they are 15 or 17. I didn’t know what my calling was till I was at least 25 years old. How can we ask for choice in these circumstances, so early of them? But the costs are high of wrong choice and the pressures, real. How does this work?

Forget. Right now I am trying to solve the leaking roof in the dry area from the flat above. It’s fun trying to decipher the leakage source, especially when it involves flooding that balcony with water and being Sherlock Holmes. Then taking a few calls and trying to be intelligent about things that you are so not really trained to do. Why didn’t we have carpentry, woodwork, masonry and other such base skills being taught in schools? A few classes of PT rubbish could have clubbed into this and we could have all been better off. The mechanics of a car, the innards of a toaster, the joy or raising a farm. Real life skills that allow you to work with your hands and give you immense satisfaction. Thye could have atleast taught us basic gardening, if not growing wheat. Or even now, a simple course on growing strawberries on the roof top garden… ok even parsley or basil growing would have been fun.

But this is not to be. I had a shitty education only redeemed by the fact that amazing women and a few amazing men wanted to teach as that was their choice. They loved us and we loved them back. They spoke to us, explained and inspired us. I am so happy that over that last 16 years I have done my little bit to alleviate boredom in the classrooms. Some little joys. In the process of helping people discover themselves, I discovered a whole lot about me. A WHOLE LOT.

That’s experiences and learning and joy.

sweet dreams are made of these

So Jispa is living my freaking dream. Ok… sorry Jasmine, OUR freaking dream. The joker is in Germany for an exchange program. It’s not really an exchange program but it’s a vacation in the form of an exchange program. They will stay at a school hostel and attend school for a few days but are not really completely living with a German family for a few weeks and attending school and all that. But hell. It’s still an exchange program. I wanted to go for an exchange program when I was small.

I remember seeing something like that in the papers about a free exchange program and wanting to join. I sent the letter and the papers and everything and when I got an invite (or just before or something), I saw that you have to pay for your air fare. The air fare to US in those days was around a 100 thousand rupees, which was way above what I could definitely afford. Also I had to pay for small incidental expenses etc. I think it was a period of 1 year where I could study and stay with a family there. Or was it one month? I don’t know. But what I do know is that obviously my dad wouldn’t pay that amount and I was in India with a broken dream. I am not sure if I was upset with dad. I think not. I think I was in this respect at least, quite understanding.

We knew money was at a premium and that dad was at home after his heart attack and that we were trying to run the family on investments and a children’s nursery that my mom ran. It was a nice and popular nursery – Angel’s Nursery. It generated quite a bit of income for the family when we needed it the most. I remember my brother and me being taken by dad on his scooter (with a side car attached) to the various localities and catchment areas and going door to door and stuff pamphlets in the letter boxes and doors. I remember liking the job and quite enjoying the experience. It was invariably on the vacation before the school season for new admission starts.

So I do understand not being sent for this vacation. Right now, with the new house and the 6 months that we had without one of the houses on rent and the Chembur gymkhana membership and all… we are pretty broke. Jasmine and me and wondering and calculating the money in the bank accounts. It’s fun. Luckily I am not stressed as much. I have been through much worse. At least here I am asset rich and cash poor. So when the Germany trip came in, we still said yes, knowing that we will figure it out.

I stopped taking stress on a lot of issues. We will figure it out as we get along life. Jasmine and I discuss that Jispa is young and atleast she should enjoy. It is difficult for all three to go but at least one can go and see it. She is going to Germany, see Nuremberg where the trails were held after WW2 and she is going to Salsberg in Austria. Oh freak. She is completely living my dream. But I am not complaining.

The joker that Jispa is, is not understanding that these are our dreams. I have told her to send pics and talk to us and describe things to us. Share the experience with us. But she is not likely to do so. She likely to go there and act all secretive and at best we will get her experience from her Instagram feed. Such an ass she is. Possibly when she is 30 or possibly 40, when she reads this post, she will realise what a pain she was.

Dreams are funny things and when you mix parenting with them, they can get potent, liberating and restricting at the same time. We parents have to balance it and Jispa has to balance it. She can’t do something or not do something because of us, but we expect her to do or not do because of us. What is right and what is wrong? There is no right and wrong, there is only tension. Tension as opposites reconcile. This tension makes the job interesting, painful, memorable and rewarding. No tension no fun.

Last weekend a kid came home. I had taught her 8 years ago. She came for gyan and advice and chit chat. She had remained in touch, on and off I must have met her after 8 years. It was damn cute. There was the tension of me being her teacher but also the tension of now being a peer in some way.

Yesterday I was super proud as well. It always happens when a kid I have taught comes home and spends time with us and asks for advice. This one was from  the current batch I taught. She and her friend decided to start a cold brew coffee company focusing on really authentic cold brews. She came over for advice and to get me to taste her coffee. It was seriously awesome coffee and I really enjoyed it. Since she wasn’t taking money for the coffee, I made her my special paneer burjee… and then we fed her icecream and we showed her how to make caramel sauce etc. At the end Jasmine and I sat with her and played a few card games. It was so much fun. I know I am some time away from retirement but then this what I would love to do when I retire. Talk to old friends and students, play cards, talk marketing, give free advice and take free coffee from them. It’s the best combo ever.

Teaching has given more joy than anything else. That it helped me improve my speech delivery and improved the basics of what I teach is secondary. The joy that I get when these kids reach out to me, talk to me and give me the love and respect that have for me. It is invaluable. This why I teach and this why I cannot give up. I have made teaching a fine art of teaching logic, concepts and stand up foolery. Just this week I was to give a 12 minute talk on techmarketing at a forum. I did not quite know beforehand what I wanted to speak about but a few days before the talk, I wrote down 20 concepts that would be important to digital marketers as they try to go upon their journey. These are from my personal experience and could be quite controversial or plain different, depending upon the context.

I knew I was good, but suddenly 5 minutes into the talk I started having fun and I started enjoying myself on stage. My stand-up routine started and I started having a load of fun. In the end I was short of time and I started doling out advice in rapid fire mode and the tempo went up and up and up and I was talking as fast as I could. It was serious fun. I have never before had so much fun on stage ever. And the stage was a big one! It going to be telecast on TV later. Here is the not so telecast quality of the same. In 24 hours it already has got more than 500 views. I was on fire! It was an important high point in my professional life so far. Not because I gave gyan on stage. I have done so many times before, but never have I enjoyed it so much. And never before have I done it like this, pushing the limits of my irreverence combined with intelligence and experience. Full time pass.

Here see the full video here.

I really enjoyed this. At first I had put the word f*#@king in every slide. Trying to make an impact. There is an extra alphabet there just for you to know that the word isn’t what you were thinking of but a more politically correct FREAKING. Then the sponsors raised a few valid questions and were urging me to be prudent. I agreed and I sent them one with all of them deleted. As luck would have it, they played the original slides at first and I had to gently remind them on stage. Suddenly as I ran through the presentation, they smartly changed the presentation and the result was that in the middle all the sanitized slides came on. I guess the impact was made. Social was  abuzz with the F*#@KING presentation and the points I raised. Alls well that ends well.

Dreams and Despairs

Every time I walk around my new house I can’t but help thinking, wow this is a big house and wow, its mine with my money that I have earned over these years. How did this happen?

When I openly talk about my own astonishment, my friends tell me – Jaimit you are a big man, you deserve this. But I never saw myself as a big guy. I know I am pretty senior now in my company. I am part of a big team running the company. A far cry from the 25 year old kid who joined the company and was thrilled to get the designation Associate Vice President on card. So thrilled that I remember flashing it around at the college reunion. Like most other thrilling cute things. As time goes by, the novelty wears off and you move on.

In my case it also helps that I am married to Jasmine who is nonchalance personified. Ok, you are the super senior guy in office and all that jazz, and you are stuck in meetings that could potentially make a few crores for the firm in a few years, but till then, can you please get a printout and before you come home – get some bananas and get up a few minutes early and go down and get some milk. 2 litres – Gokul special. Gokul special? Doesn’t he deliver – its three bucks a liter for delivery charges.

There, I am grounded. I think even I become some big CEO of some big company, I still will have to get the milk home. Two liters, Gokul special. Cause she has to make paneer and set the curd for the weekend. Sure. That’s why I am always amazed how did this delivery boy get this big house? Just how?

But I am not complaining. When this house was being made, it was completely different from what I was imagining it to be. It was shaping up nicely and like a rich man’s house, and that was causing me great pain. I did not want a rich man’s house. My image of myself is a simple guy with simple tastes and simple wants. Not this awesome rich freak with wall papered hall. Call me old fashioned but I grew up on a healthy dose of Amitabh Bachhan movies where a rich guy in a big house is always the villain. I identify myself as the one single guy who against the system, always angry, trying to work hard and make a decent living. In the middle of all this – I got myself a house.

In fact in the middle of the process of making the house, I was having a real heart to heart conversation with Jasmine. I was telling her that I don’t like the way my house is shaping up. It is looking too rich. I don’t identify with this and she had to calm me down and say its ok. I think she saw the foolish of my self-image and had to endure my stupidity and my ill directed ire. Slowly but surely I started seeing how nice it was and how well designed it had become. It really was spacious and well done up. And tastefully so. And everyday when I reach home or when I wake up in the morning and walk to the dining room, I ask myself, how did this happen?

As a young 20 year old, I was pretty much insecure about my future, my life and my career. I don’t know what I did and how I got here. For me it was always a question of how could one survive. I dreamt of a simple one room where I could get to sleep and wake up and have less possessions. India was not awesome nor did it have enough opportunities when I was in college. It slowly opened up and allowed people to blossom and make the most of it.  This is the power of free enterprise and dreams. This alone can pull millions of people out from poverty and allow them a chance to lead a prosperous life.

When I was growing up, one day cricket was just a start and people were just about trying to follow it. The world cup had started and it was dominated by the West Indian team. It was only around ten years back I found out that the west indies is not a country but a loose bunch of countries tied together by a cricketing board that tries to pick the best team.  By the time I was growing up, in 1983, India won the world cup and the frenzy around cricket just started.

The world cup was being held in London every time as only UK had the money to host the world cup and they insisted that the commercials lead the sport. India ten with the help of Reliance Industries brought the world cup to India in 87 and showed that when it comes to money power and organizing skills, we were getting there. Then liberalization started and when a billion liberalized people want some thing, it happens. We could put the most amount of money on the table and then the richer countries started crying and asked for the WC to be allotted on a rotational basis.

Today India holds the biggest private jamboree on cricket every year in the form of the IPL and cricketers from around the world come to be a part of this melee. It’s a huge thing and an interesting victory of the triumph of private enterprise. So many cricketers now may have been consigned to obscurity now have a chance to make a decent living. Ditto with the kabaddi league in the country. Just five years ago these players were living a simple Spartan life till the league happened and changed their lives.

In some ways I look to identify with this phenomenon. A life time spent on have nots and insecurity moving to a life of abundance and an attitude of we will figure. It’s pretty dramatic a shift as far as mental shifts are concerned. But at least I am thankful about it. It’s improved my life and allowed me to live my dreams in the best way possible. I fought my way here and it allowed me to reach what I thought impossible. Whatever works… works.

As an aisde, I cannot understand how kids these days (kids meaning everyone younger than me) look at a hookah joint and want to plan to go there and smoke away. I cannot understand it. I was having a conversation with my daughter on this and wondering how this works as well. Some kids in her school, drink and smoke. Oh dear dear me. They are not even 18. Hookah joints are the start point as they look innocuous enough and harmless enough. Like beer and breezers, simple innocuous starting points. As Jispa told me – they are gateway drugs. Simple enough to pull you in and then envelop you completely. I cannot endorse it no matter how hard I try to accept it. But hell, you choose your life and you choose what comes with it. What can I say? These are the side effects and perils of free enterprise. The ingenuity of man works both ways. I don’t know if I have blogged about this, but the fact that alcohol figures prominently or subtly in almost every Hollywood and Bollywood movie, there is a consipracy theory I have behind this. I think it’s all funded by the liquor lobby to make it look cool. Even the Avengers movies shows Tony Stark (Ironman) getting himself a peg and enjoying his drink. Every Indian movie has a song sequence at a party / club after getting yourself a few shots.

It is wrong and this is subtle targeting. The ability to imprint the coolness in people’s heads. It will cost us a lot. Hookah will cost us a lot. In ways that are not direct and un-understandable. We will learn and we will see. After all the choice is ours. We choose. We decide. But hope we have the wisdom to choose wisely.

Watch out

I was feeling rich and there are two things that I have always secretly always loved possessing. One is shoes and the other is watches. I can still think about shoes as a functional thing and expensive shoes tend to be better lasting and comfortable compared to cheaper versions. Of course there is a limit to this pay off. I am at around 4 to 5 thousand beyond which I think the shoes start on their downward marginal utility of the money spent. The problem is that the world has moved to around 6 to 7 thousand or even 8 thousand before the shoes start making awesomeness. Apparently I have not kept pace with the shoes innovation inflation index yet. This is in the sports shoes index.

Luckily in the formal space index, shoes have largely stayed within my range. And at this time I am super lucky as one day I walked into the Cole Haan shoe shop seeing a 60% sale board. These were ridiculously expensive shoes. In INR they were at 15 to 18k for a pair of shoes. No way would I even smell them at that price. So luckily at 60 /65 % off they were with reach. Just a bit more expensive than normal but still within reach. So I bought one pair. After a few months, this shop was going out of business (obviously) and they had a 70% off sale. Jasmine egged me on and I bought two more pairs within my range and now I am complete. Three leather pairs and one old trusty pair. Done. These should last me at least 3 to 4 years. Hopefully more.

On the sports shoes, I was heavily influenced by the book “born to run”. There the author argued that humans are designed to run bare foot and the shoes with cushioning have spoilt our gait and running style. Thanks to the cushioning we have on our shoes, we have learnt to hit heel first versus a more mid foot impact style that barefoot runners have. I was so heavily influenced by this that I bought a lot of sport shoes with a thin sole and zero drop. I think today that it was a mistake. It’s not the best thing to do for my feet. Possibly I am too used to cushioning or my feet run in a different way and to retrain the old ancestral style would take too much effort and is probably useful for those running marathon, not couch surfers like me. But still – 4 K is my limit and I have to really wait for sales and clearances before I can buy anything.

But for now – I have enough sport shoes, chappals, leather shoes and sandals. More than what I need. No more testing the level of my passion of collecting shoes.

As for watches, I have a genuine problem. I love these watches but have complete understanding that there is ZERO marginal utility on an awesome watch versus a really cheap watch. Long time back, I think 7 years ago I was feeling pretty rich and I ventured to buy a watch. I bought a Victorinox watch on sale. One of my friends worked there and hence I got an employee sale price on the watch. The watch originally was for 26,000 and I was getting it for 16,000. A steal and I bought it. It’s a great watch and I love it, but after that purchase I understood that I have too much spare money and we decided to buy a house – our current house, and we got screwed in deb for the next 4/5 years. I haven’t bought a watch after that. I have been looking at watches, ogling at them, especially the automatic ones but could never justify to myself buying one.

Recently on a business trip abroad, while at the Duty free my CEO was looking at an Omega watch he liked. He bargained, got a good deal and bought a watch costing more than 300,000. That’s cool. He knows his watches and he knows what’s cool in the high range section. He bought it and looked at me. I smiled. He told me “you are that types – a three hundred thousand watch will also tell the time and a 300 buck watch will also tell the time, nah?”. Hahahah. Ya, kind of.

So recently I again started looking around and a mailer from my airline frequent flier program told me that I could redeem my miles for an awesome Casio watch costing around 6,000. Sure.

I started searching for reviews and views online, when my eyes fell on this beauty. This particular one called Casio F91W. Wow this was so retro it was cool. It reminded me of the watches I had in school and while growing up. Of course it released only in 1991 when I was firmly out of school but the design principal of the watch was very clear. It was that 80’s watch. Cheap fibre and a work horse. I researched some more and I realized that this one was a crazy seller and still sells high numbers. It’s cheap and the battery lasts between 7 to 10 years. And it reminded me of my childhood and my dad. Funnily enough that’s what the reviews also said.

I love it and ordered it online. 725 bucks and next day delivery. Am I proud or am I proud?

This has also been dubbed the most dangerous watch in the world. Its great use has been in being used as a detonation timer for bombs. Osama bin laden was spotted wearing it in one of his videos and it was also used to profile terrorists by the US for detention. Serious! What a story. Now this watch is no ordinary watch. It is The Watch. I am suddenly prouder.

Some guys in office wonder what a guy like me is doing with a watch like this. Ah – you know…..

happiness is ...

A good friend of mine messaged me to ask me if I was fine. If I was happy. I didn’t seem happy enough. Was something wrong?

These are difficult questions to answer. Are you happy? The frank answer is I don’t know. Instinctively – yes I am happy. My home is just set up. Yesterday I sat till late on my desk and I was reading on the laptop about Amazon and its growth. I was reading random things. I paid some bills as well and I ordered stuff on Amazon. I felt happy and content that I was there doing my bit.

But work takes up a large part of my awake hours. I realize that work is a bit of a bummer. The team is just not ready and is completely wasted. I would have to work with them to push them, improve them and make them come up to mark on a whole host of things. I have to coordinate and play games with so many people to get things going. There are people in the firm who are stuck in a time warp. They refuse to learn and refuse to improve. They are just there, stuck. They don’t even want others to improve. I don’t understand how ego can come in the way of making more money for the firm as a whole. They block everything and every move.

Now that I think over it I see this organization evolve over the last 18 years. Weakness exhibited by the management 18 years ago has snowballed into a large issue and now these monsters have been dragons of epic proportions. Slowly they become even more difficult to dislodge and take the whole business down with them. Weak managers who want to control only their immediate balance sheet try not to upset the apple cart too much. These who manage one year at a time, hiding the problem get rewarded and move to the top. These are managers who do no wrong. They also do no right.

But these are ones who have built this massive organization. Possibly it was an era where you did not need to compete like crazy. You needed just to not do too much hara-kiri and stay alive. Today when you see, the old organizations in the industry are built on edifices of rust and so weak at the roots. One needs to change things and shake them up a bit for them to move and compete in this bold new world.

In all this stress, I am also trying not to take too much stress. I want to sleep at night, not get my blood to boil or increase or decrease my pressure. I want to simply live and manage. Like the same wise friend of mine explained to me 6 months ago when I said I want a boring job “no jaimit, you won’t work in a boring job. You will take a boring job and then you will attack it and make it work and change things there as well. No jaimit, people like you don’t rest”. This was told to me not only by this friend by a few more friends.

Its right I guess. We have the best of intentions but our friends know us more than anything else. This is the thing about friends. So yes – my friend did guess it right. I am the happiest. Possibly I am a grumpy old troll these days. And some other good friends who care have been telling me about it. I guess I have been on the edge. I need to just chill and relax. Make things happy around me. Make myself happy. Manage my happiness quotient.

Of course I have to push for change. Hard push, but never at the cost of screwing my own happiness. That’s a really tough thing to do. Push for change as hard as you can and then enjoy the process and the failures that it will inevitably bring you. Hah! Chalo… it’s a learning of a different order. Be happy be pushy and be content.

These are too many opposites reconciling.

Let’s talk some happy things – I have grown an ugly thick bushy burly moustache. My wife hates it. And I am enjoying it no end.  I always wanted a thick moustache with a short crop hairdo. Now that I don’t have too much hair itself, the contrast is amazing. I think I am loving my old man, grey look. Here you decide.

old dad in new home

Big dream done. We shifted to our new home on the 21^st of the April. Yes I am recording this date in this blog for historical purposes. The big dream was not merely shifting to this home but also sitting on a desk that I call my own and switching the computer on and writing my blog here. That is my big dream. I always wanted a bedroom with a small study table inside and a place to put my books and stationery, including pens and note books, etc. this is a place that I can retire to. Both Jasmine and me, old wrinkly and retired. Jispa is old enough to get her room, but she is old enough to not enjoy it too much.

I expect her to run out in a couple of years and possibly study elsewhere and this room of hers will be vacant. I don’t what we empty nesters would do then. But then that is a story for later. No point thinking too much about things that may or may not happen. As for now, I am enjoying the larger rooms and the space and the TV and gadgets in the kitchen; and my desk. That desk is very personal and important to me for some reason. It’s a tiny space that’s mine in the house. I love it and I seem to get possessive about it.

My little girl has also grown. Now she bullies us and we have to use extreme authority to get things done. I recognize that the only reason that she listens to us is because she wants to and because she has to. It’s going to get quite tough from now on for us. In such a scenario she will listen purely because we exert moral authority (or guilt). This become interesting for us as parents. This is becoming difficult for us as parents.

Moral authority is a bit of chimera and ephemeral at the same time. I think you can get a bit of these tokens which are very difficult to replenish. You cannot just start using it and expect them to work. You have to work on them and even when you use these tokens you have to be very clear about them. Like recently, I had to use complete total power when I banned the use of the cell phone in Jispa’s room. The cell phone cannot go inside the room. Full stop. This is a big one. She has been spending too much time in the room on her cell phone. A room by itself is black hole within which nothing escapes. The cell phone is equivalent of the gravitational force that makes the black hole so powerful. I am thinking of calling Jispa’s room ‘the singularity’.

So it was incumbent on me as the dad to enforce this discipline. I don’t like and it’s quite against my core beliefs in some way. You need exposure to technology and at 16 you can’t enforce too much. But then there was another core belief being compromised. That of keeping the family together and stopping what was essentially bad for her. It was the one thing that was eating into her reading time. Reading time is the one thing that has gotten me where I am today and I did not want to compromise that for her. Of late she has begun to read a lot less and that is disturbing as far as I am concerned. Possibly it’s because the books that she needs to read are very different from the ones I had and possibly she needs different people suggesting different set of books to her. Possibly she needs different interests. Poor thing right now has only pone perspective – mine and that I would admit is severely limiting. I try to get her to read a diverse set of books, but finally they are my diverse set of books. One big thing missing from my set is good fiction.

I want to restart my reading. One of the few things I have started is keeping my phone to charge away from the bedside table. It’s now on my study table. So no browsing and then sleeping. Second I want to stop taking it inside the loo. I have kept a book there to read instead. And I have bought books and am keeping them within arm’s length everywhere. I need to read more and this has to get kick started. I am also trying to get the laptop over the week end and catch up on the various tabs that I have left open during the week to finish my reading.

Right now it’s a bit of a bummer. With work being very hectic and the home setting up taking so time, one of the things that I haven’t found time for is myself. I need to find this time and give it to myself. Last week was so bad that I found myself popping in a few paracetamols and trying to get through the week. It’s a good thing that I had a holiday today. Nice relaxed no agenda day, trying to sleep in, do some basic house work and get some valuable rest.

So it’s a tough thing being a dad. All I can say is that I have learnt over the long run on how to be more effective than what I was earlier. I keep wondering how much my teen will test me. So far I must admit, it’s been fairly ok. She has her mood swings when she can get very annoying and difficult but on the whole she has been quite a breeze.

Right now while I was writing this blog, I had to use some of my brownie moral points to get her to study math. When we first told her, she was like ‘you promised you wouldn’t interfere with my studies’. Yes we won’t, but it’s also important for us to interject into your life when you are going wrong. Not studying is going wrong. So practicing math is also important for you in what you seek to do in your life. But yes – I can’t complain nor can I scold her, nor can I force. I can only use moral brownie points and I used a few of them right now. She must study math. It’s important for her life. But then how can we really push. Whatever works for now works.

diligence and dedication

What is it to be a dad? I don’t know but being one does teach you a lot of things. Having patience for one. It can be extremely rewarding and frustrating at the same time and to live with these ups and downs is a part and parcel of being a dad. It compounds with the fact that parenting is a moving target as your child grows up every day. They respond differently and more importantly I as a parent, need to think differently. I have to approach each situation differently, every time it repeats or every new day.

It’s not an easy things and it’s not that it comes naturally. In fact the natural behavior would be to deteriorate your response with the frustration of repetition. At this point, I have to control my instincts and think deeper and reach for resilience from within. I am sure Jispa too needs serious resilience from within to deal with her parents as well. And this will only get tested again and again when she grows up and is independent and doesn’t require us for her growth or wellbeing.

Today morning as I was dropping Jispa to swimming for her morning swim and I reailsed that she had forgotten her flipper bag. Again. Oh dear. There was no point in scolding her or anything. She told me that she will simply borrow a fellow swimmers bag and continue. As I left her and went back home I couldn’t help thinking – Jispa reached her national glory thanks to Jasmine doggedness. We put her in swimming and then the program took over. Jasmine found her calling in Jispa’s program and supported her. We drove her to every swim meet, we sat in the background and fed her, we got her ready for school and dropped her, we cooked her special food and basically ferried her every where and got her to stick to her swimming program.

Left to her own, I don’t think the kid would have done it. Today as we have relaxed our oversight into her program she has slipped and how. She doesn’t train as hard, she bunks at will and we realize - she is not destined for pushing herself to achieve greatness. She is a good person. A nice toughish kind of kid but she is not the natural born self-motivated sportsperson who can continually achieve greatness by virtue of relentless unsupervised practice. She is not eklavya who can make a statue of her teacher and practice away. In Many ways she reminds me of me.

I think my dad would have said that I have never fulfilled my potential as a kid growing up. In sports or in studies. Procrastination was my thing and diligence was never it. It’s only when I grew up in life and when life kicked me in the backside that I realized the value of diligence and dedication. Anything that does not have it will not get achieved. And never to your satisfaction. I think Jispa achieved what she did in swimming was because Jasmine showed these two things in helping Jispa grow with the program. My job was diligence and dedication to Jasmine’s cause. It wasn’t my thing. Even today I tell Jispa, its ok, relax, live your life, have a childhood, and don’t bother training so hard now.

Jispa will grow up and understand these things. She is better than most other kids. I am sure. She can still manager her swimming and her studies and the simple fact that she continued to swim all these years, makes me convinced that she has it in her to grow. I am not criticizing her but making the difference between kids who are good (damn good) and kids who are great. Look at the current Indian captain. After breaking into the cricket team and the big league did her realize that he has to work even harder and train like crazy if he has to break into the all-time great lists. He was a chubby child and now he is a pinnacle of fitness and hard work. I was a lazy worker and now I put in 12 hours a day trying to get things done. It takes time to grow into what you want to do in life and when you get it, then you can go for it.

I am sure Jispa will be a great coach or a good teacher or an awesome worker. She should do well. She has a lovely disposition that she got from her mother, an understated ambition (mother again) and an ability to explain her thoughts (now that’s me). This is her and I am quite proud of her. She is a far better kid than I was at her age.

Just a few days ago we had this conversation on which subjects to choose and which to drop. I told her to screw career and follow what you love. Finally she chose basis the best teachers she would get. That’s a smart choice. All subjects are good. It’s the teacher who makes us love a subject. Now she chose physics on the basis of the teacher and immediately she loves it. That’s a great choice kid. Connect to people and you will always be rewarded. Pick people you love and work with them. Then it’s always easier to handle every issue that comes your way.

urban jungles

I just finished a holiday In Singapore. The efficiency of the city continues to amaze me. They run their daily lives with such discipline and efficiency. No jay walking, no litter, no pollution.  A city that is built by its citizens and is kept clean and spotless. It made me think, that the bets and the only way to get people out of poverty is proper urban planning.

Cities are the bedrock of modern society. We can wish as much for the village in the gandhian principal of “India living in its villages” but the fact remains that cities are just far more efficient means for community living. Density allows for access to advancement in basic civic services. Only in a huge bustling metropolis can you have the best of roads, transport, hospitals, schools, parks, malls, primary healthcare, sanitation, sewage etc. Large communities living together can together demand and make viable an efficient system or modern living. Cities improve the lives of people and help them compete, make money, innovate, distribute, access finance etc. These just become unviable when you have villages with a few and far dispersed population. The access costs of all these services makes it impossible.

Roads in a cities are demanded are a right and roads in a village are given as a favor. That in itself is a key point of difference in itself. The problem is the not fact that people are slowly moving to the cities in search for employment and opportunities. We cannot lament over it and come up with bird brain nazique ideas to stop it. People are coming because it is simply more efficient to live in a city.  The problem as Singapore has shown is simply urban planning (or failure of it thereof). Improvement in people’s lives and alleviation of poverty can simply be handled by proper urban planning and administration. If we give people proper amenities and charge them for it and create an infrastructure that works for its people then people will find a way to get themselves out of poverty and live meaningful lives.

We were staying at a friend’s place which overlooked a park. Next to the park was the government housing complex. The complex was clean and neat and well kept, unlike the ones in Mumbai which become a hot bed for crime. This complex had an open gym where the government had kept exercise equipment which basically was designed as outdoor equipment in which the design was such that it used body weight as resistance. They were lovely and when I tried them I realized that they could actually be sued as a great exercise tool. You just have to substitute the heavy lifting with extra reps. It was awesome.

The best part was that no matter when I saw the park and the equipment, there were always some people using it and exercising. It was awesome. I saw people exercising in the morning, in the afternoon under the blazing sun and night (even late night). This is crazy. The oldies outnumbered the young ones, but it seems that entire Singapore is into fitness as a culture. The frame work provided by the urban planners takes this into account. The gardens and gym equipment is designed to allow you to use it. It was a crazy revelation. Especially the oldies were so much into it. One thing I saw across Singapore were a large number of oldies working.

This made me think. Why would the oldies work? When you speak to people about Singapore, they all love it but they all complain that it’s become expensive to live in Singapore. My view was that possibly these oldies who I see working everywhere – some as waiters, cleaners, taxi drivers etc, were possibly working as they need to support themselves as they grow older. Possibly there is a huge cost of medical and living and lifestyle maintenance that is difficult to keep up to. What was it? In the second half of the trip I was asking everyone – why are the old people working? Whats wrong in the system?

The answer I kept getting is that they are working as they want to. Simple. What I understood is that they have money and health care is already subsidized for them and they have contributed to the health care while they were working. Also their retirement plan was worked out for them while they earned their salaries. Hence it’s not that they work to eat or live. They work as they are able bodied and they want to work. Otherwise they will sit at home and rot. It’s the same reason they remain fit. They are independent people and like to preserve their independent lives and be fit. Their great leader set an example for them and worked till he died. They see no wrong in doing the same. There is great dignity of labor and hence lots of job are available for them and they work. One taxi driver told me, while I was hurrying to see the sunset from tourist spot that the best sun set he saw was in japan and the best sun rise was in Egypt. Singapore ‘no good’ for sunset views. He was right. But the point is that he is not the normal bottom of the pyramid taxi driver. The old man was working because he wanted to and he had enough money. The city took care of them.

I was telling Jasmine that look at the Singapore model. Good urban planning has allowed so many things to work rightly. How people move, commute, live, enjoy and work. They get themselves out of poverty and crime. You give people homes and they live well. You create a disciplined environment and they live with it. So many poverty alleviation techniques are available from teaching people livelihoods, education, food and even direct cash transfer. I have a theory that all of it pales in comparison to the simple act of good urban planning and enforcing of community discipline. Density will allow the maximum impact in small areas and allow for a mass upward movement of people. If someone just sets up an independent urban planning center and in which they have templates and studies for planning and development which are free for people to access and use and ask questions of their politicians, then a massive change could be affected. They could, let’s say give out simple thumb rules for what a km of rail line could cost , or a typical walkway or methods for road construction to be followed and make these open source. Then bids of these would become transparent.

This center simply explained how cities should function, how policing can function, how transport can be built and lay out the best learnings across the world then, my belief is that the world will become a significantly better place. Cities are not yet congested. They are just simply badly planed and managed. They generate enough money for investments, but are simply corrupt with no base ready for comparison and criticism. Cities can take in even more people, with even larger sky scrapers being built and inhabited efficiently.

Cities are the way to uplifting people from despair and hunger and poverty. Urban planning will allow it. Efficient and effective way to help people live better lives. That was my big Singapore learning.

PS – the best part of the trip – going to a trampoline gym and jumping away with Jispa. It was seriously so much fun.

revolution

Over the weekend, one evening we went to the Chembur house to check on the progress made. After which Jasmine, Jispa and me went for a walk around the place. After staying for 11 years in the relative obscurity of Bhakti Park, where there is nothing, no civilization for 5 kms around, Chembur feels very different. We walked around to find medical shops, many medical shops, restaurants, sugar cane juice sellers, shops selling clothes, underwear, mobiles, mobile repair centres, hotels, sports shops, vegetable markets, everything within walking distance of the home.

We are still coming to grips with this change in paradigm. Everything is so close. We have grown as a family living in Bhakti Park. The only thing that is going for Bhakti Park is that it has a massive Imax theatre in its vicinity. Rest, many years ago we had to buy a second car  to ensure that Jasmine and me could both get anywhere. I distinctly remember struggling to get a taxi in the morning to drop Jispa at her bus stop. Of course the place has improved but still, the basics of modern urban dense living, which we take for granted is still missing from the place.

I took them walking along showing them the place and getting them to understand the map. Where is which shop, where are the markets and where all can you go for basic services? Our house is very close to the station and that’s why access to all the services at a stone’s throw is possible. And being set inside from the main street, the place is also quiet and just about 100 meters away from the hustle. All in all its an experience.

While walking around we almost reached Ghatkopar and we then turned back. One of things that I think I have missed while I was in Bhakti Park was the ability to walk around. And once I did walk around in Chembur, I realized what had happened to Mumbai. It’s become a polluted shitty place. In the last ten years, the pollution levels have gone through the roof. In and around my place in Chembur was still bearable, but moment you hit a slightly more busy road the pollution hits your face. Now I realized why I probably will prefer a mall. You get off from your house, get into an AC car and get into the Ac mall. You live the cocoon of air conditioning with filters on. You don’t feel the pollution. That is to be felt by the poor and the voiceless. I really think that the poor in India have been shortchanged by Democracy.

The pollution is really bad, the trains are crowded, the bus service erratic, the pollution levels dismal, and the broadly – they will stay in the same dirty quarters with no real access to sanitation. It a freaking amazing thing that civil war hasn’t yet started in the city. Yes, all this while walking around a city with idle time on hand. How can so much inequality survive? Raising taxes and giving sops to the poor is not the answer. Having good governance at a city level is the right answer. Giving homes to people to stay respectfully, giving them commute that is efficient and works for them, cleaning up the air, water etc; these are answers. They don’t require more taxes, more sops; they require an iron will. They don’t require more laws, they require more follow up on the existing laws. Post-independence the generation just rotted and created a system that we are now going to bear. If that generation of governance created a good model, then we would have been able to live better. One man in Singapore changed the lives of its people in one generation. One generation.

Mumbai collects enough taxes that it need not even dip into reserves. Most of the budgetary outlaw remains unutilized. I talk to different people to realize that staying in Mumbai is prohibitively expensive. There is enough land stuck in government land banks and red tape. If only…

But its ok – let’s all sit in our ac environment and relax at ease. I am going to stay on the 13^th floor, far away from the noise the street generates, especially the rickshaws. I have ACs in all rooms. A remote switch away. I have applied for membership in the gymkhana next door. So now government land that was given away for promotion of sporting culture is enjoyed by an elite few who take membership to it at exorbitant rates. We will shut out normal people from enjoying these services. We have rich fat kids playing sports in a closed isolated loop amongst themselves, forgetting that the point of a facility is that it be used. We will keep the facility unused during off hours, rather than promote the sport for more people to come and play, raising the standards for everyone. No.

We like staying in our secluded ac environments. I have built the perfect nest for Jispa. The perfect nest. Who am I to complain? I made most of my money by dancing at the temple of capitalism – in a stock broking firm within a privately owned bank. Why should I lecture to anyone on this? Well I am not… I am writing a private blog available only to specific people who know. Someday the socialist in me will meet the capitalist in me and then I want singularity to happen. That answer is in between these two views without a thirst for power. Which means – impossible.

But hell, I am still 42. There is time for me in this world. Probably when I retire, I can busy myself with public life. Doing things that are right for the society. Trying to uplift people the right way; by empowering them to lift themselves out. But for now, that is a pipe dream. Just a good thought that comes from the heart. Heart is normally never the problem. It always is the mind and the intention that is an issue. I hope that I will be able to do good work in life. I hope I will be able to contribute more to society in a way that’s lasting. Possibly that is my way of telling myself that I am a great guy and that my current rate of shittyness is just an aberration where I have temporarily sold my soul to fund my immediate survival. Heart in heart – this is what I choose as important. And hence society service is not on my mind. Full stop. I have forgotten the socialism ideals or even the stupid left leaning ideals of youth.

Only Capitalism and private enterprise can lift masses of people out of poverty. Nothing else. So sitting in office and working at the capitalist temples is actually a service to mankind. While doing so a very simple thing of caring deeply for consumers, allowing them to choose the right products and treating your vendors and colleagues fairly is good enough society work. At home, following basic society rules and working harmoniously with all is service to society. Simple human interactions and work done with simple ideals of collective good that appeal to selfish interests – that is how civil society progresses.

Also when the time comes and the conditions manifest themselves in a way that you will find yourself in a situation where you will raise your hand, raise your body and defy odds and change or refuse to accept what is present. Revolution rarely comes from a rebel looking for it. It comes from unlikely simple people doing simple things because that’s what they think is right. This then sets them up on a path to doing bigger and better things for everyone.

So my revolution will come someday. I always wanted to be a fire brand revolutionary. It’s funny when I look back at myself. Within my confines of my office desk, I show signs of this red (or orange or green) bandana wearing bearded fire breathing revolutionary. Pushing through agendas, others find difficult to see, digest or swallow. That’s my little victory in the sellout. Little joy in massive narrow bouts of aggression. I don’t know if this aggression will kill me, but it’s helped me live.

deep

“Dad” asked the voice on the other end. “ya?”. “Dad can I go to the NSCI holi.”  “whats that” I ask? “Siddhant (her cousin) is calling the entire gang (the one that went diving together) for Holi at NSCI club. It’s a thing, and can I go?”. Err. Permit where you can and protect where you must is the motto. I am sure Jasmine would have told her to ask dad so shooing her off by saying ask mom is also not going to work. Holi – a bunch of drunken revelers with colors etc, is not exactly it. “no” I answer. Then I proceed to explain my point of view “no, because first I don’t your cousin is up to any good. Second – people drink and play holi. Three – it’s the place where most eve teasing happens. Four – I don’t really know you gang to send you here. Five…”. “Dad..Dad.. relax. Stop. I didn’t want to go in any case. It’s ok. I had said no but my friends were insisting”. “bastard, so you just wanted me to say no so that you have an excuse to say no?”. “ya kind of”. “ok.

Yes I did use the expletive and yes… parents are not meant for too much meaning. They are meant for simply being there while your kid derives meaning from your presence. 

I just said some deep shit, that mean nothing.