back to basics

I have struggled with dry skin since the last 6 to 7 years. Some parts of my skin on the leg suffered from acute dryness resulting in some eczema patches. Thanks to the internet I searched d a lot for it. I looked for references here and there and finally understood that dry skin is largely a factor of pollution, stress or processed foods. Given our lifestyles all of these are inevitable. How do I control either of these? Having said that, I did try and do a lot of Ayurveda therapies. Its takes some great belief in this branch of science to keep trying here. Its not been easy. Also I learnt that modern science has no known cure. At best a few shots of steroids could bring temporary relief and it comes with a high chance of a larger relapse. Fundamentally they all recommend to just simply keep the skin moist. So simple non-fragrant moisturizers work the best. All you have to do is to stop yourself from scratching the affected part. So wherever I go I am never too far away from a moisturizer. I have one in my car, in my bathroom, bedroom, office and laptop bag. I have most of the bases covered. When in doubt simply moisturize.

After getting it I realized so many people are affected by it. Now I can see the traces of it so many places. How people are affected by different sorts of it. Some people scratch and get it to bleed causing further complications. You just need to tend to it. My dad also suffered from it but not having the internet I guess he never really understood it. He had a steroid shot once to have it disappear and come back. My ayurvedic treatment managed to control it and reduce it to just a couple of spots on one leg. My doc refuses to treat it further and wants me to live with it. He says it’s not worth going for the kill. And in any case I have learned to manage it well.

Juvenile dry skin is also a huge issue with so many kids facing the problem. My guess is again bad food and bad air. Jispa swims a lot and of late she got a little bit of a dry skin problem around her nose. We used the ayurvedic red oil and saw a lot of difference. But the last bit just refused to go.

Which when I started thinking. Soap I knew is a bad thing. No soap, including dove will help. they make the problem worse. So I moved exclusive to soap free gels a few years ago. But that too were not too good the main culprit I saw was the Sodium laureth sulfate as the known allergen. So I even switched to body shop product which was without the same. Somehow I wasn’t convinced. So while thinking further I remembered that Indian tradition of having oil baths. Hmmm. That’s interesting. I also realized that my Ayurvedic doc always said to apply his oil and then have a bath. His oil is red in color and is not necessarily pleasant smelling. I also remembered learning in school that south indians as a part of tradition would have oil bath on Diwali. And of late I started putting olive oil on my skin to some decent effect. Something started to click.

Then while having a conversation with my doc he spoke about a natural loofah which called ‘pichinzha’ or something like that. Available at specific south indian specialty shops in Matunga, it is like a natural loofah. It worked well and I could see that it cleaned the body well. I was now ready for the next step.

The next time while having a shower I applied olive oil and scrubbed with the loofah and the results were amazing. Better skin, no dry feeling and clean! All naturally. Why the hell was soap invented in these times. It gets rid of sweat, dry skin and dean cells without drying the skin and according to me it works on oily and dry skin. I urged Jispa to try it. she too felt the difference and her dry skin has had a dramatic improvement. It still winter here and let’s see how it works in the summer, but it feels like heaven. Soap is out. You don’t need soap. Soap was the invention that probably helped remove real grime. But in cities we rarely have grime. Soap is good for washing hands. Full stop. The scrub along with the oil is good enough for the body. After all oil is a solvent as well for the grime. I never understood why you need to get rid of the oil from your body. The role of the oil is to keep your skin fit against germs.

Today I was researching what on earth was the loofah I was using. I knew it was organic and it looked like a weaver’s nest or something but it was more like a fruit with seeds. Here is the pic.

I couldn’t get anything by the traditional name so out of frustration I just typed in tree fruit loofah and I jumped on seeing the results. I got it and I was stunned by what I found. It’s nothing but a dried gourd. Yup. A dried gourd.

Luffa is a genus of tropical and subtropical vines classified in the cucumber (Cucurbitaceae) family. In everyday non-technical usage the name, also spelled loofah, usually refers to the fruit of the two species Luffa aegyptiaca and Luffa acutangula. The fruit of these species is cultivated and eaten as a vegetable. The fruit must be harvested at a young stage of development to be edible. The vegetable is popular in China and southeast Asia. When the fruit is fully ripened it is very fibrous. The fully developed fruit is the source of the loofah scrubbing sponge which is used in bathrooms and kitchens as a sponge tool.

The name Luffa was borrowed by European botanists in the 18th century from the Arabic name لوف lūf

In Maharashtra, India, dodka (Ridge Gourd/luffa) and ghosavala (smooth luffa) are common vegetables prepared with either crushed dried peanuts or with beans. In Northern India as well as Pakistan, Turai (thoo-raee) is the common name for Luffa.

What shit man. We eat this stuff everyday! Well, almost every day. Gourds are not really popular dishes. It’s the dish your mom makes you eat but you hate the dam thing. But they make for really neat body scrubs. In fact it so seems that the loofah word was probably taken from this luffa.

Here a picture of the Luffa cylindrical.

a delicate balance

Friday was a really tough start to a day. I felt like a complete loser. It is one of those days when you start to question yourself and especially your skills as a parent. I have always maintained that it doesn’t matter what happens to the results as long as you have tried your best and you put in a great effort.

We have had enough stress over getting a poem for Jispa to recite for the elocution. The teachers in her school don’t help at all. This is contrast to our school days when the parents were completely uninvolved in the process. This time we got a poem and it was accepted. Suddenly on Thursday evening Jasmine calls me to tell me that Jispa won the second place at the competition. I was so dam angry. Why? Not because she missed first place but we never did really have the time to practice. I taught her a couple of times and that was it. She was still nowhere near as good as she could be and she was emphasizing the words and pausing rather than one smooth flow. It was pretty irritating. Why was I not told that the competition is on a particular date.

In the morning I was angry at Jispa. Why dint you tell me? Also whenever I asked you to practice with me afterwards you always made an excuse. She told me that she would practice with her school teacher every day. But Hell… your school teacher ... she doesn’t know anything about elocution, does she? Does she teach you to vary your tone, to put the right emphasis? They don’t know anything and you think that is enough.

She told me that it’s ok nah? Wasn’t I the one who didn’t care if she won or lost? Yes, I don’t care if you win or lose, but it pisses me off to see inferior effort done. Both your mom and I put in enough stress to search for your poem. We go through tons of poems, we beg and check with other mothers for interesting poems and we then try and get one that’s interesting. So you better start practicing earnestly with us or you are in for trouble. There is a lot of work to be done and losing first place just because you have not tried enough, that’s pretty irritating. Whenever I wanted to teach her she would say that her head is spinning or its paining or give some excuse. That was really bad. I never knew that the competition was coming up so I could crank up the pressure. It seems Jispa just told Jasmine about the competition in the morning while being dropped off to school. Jasmine also said, now what to do… best of luck and do well. Wasn’t she supposed to tell us what’s going on, especially since we are involved parents and especially when it comes to elocution. Arrrggghhhhh.

This was so bloody darn frustrating. Coming close and letting go just on a whim! Jispa needs to realize the sacrifice we go through when she does something. I am happy not being the bad guy. It’s the best to be a father that is all loving and caring and doesn’t piss you off. That’s an easy one. But to have one that pushes you to do better, it requires the father to be a jack ass at times. And bloody hell that’s a difficult thing to do. Balancing the equation on both sides is a great challenge. She got a few from me that morning. And in the evening I hugged her and told her I was sorry but I really did need to know and she really did need to tell us and practice with us. She said she was sorry as well.

There – that’s that. Delicate balance achieved. An uneasy balance only to be tipped over on either side at the slightest extraneous factor. Till then – a piece of cute news. Saturday we celebrated our 14^th anniversary and Jispa had a surprise gift for us. A card for each of us and a special present. She made for Jasmine a cat out of sponge and for me she gave me a cover. A cover with cash in it. She gave me 125 bucks cash as a present. That was all she had. I didn’t know what to say. Thanks Jispa. Many thanks. Can we buy something with it later? Girls… they are so bloody adorable.

Bahut saara gyan!

I got this question in one of my previous blogs as a comment – “This question is unrelated to this post though would really appreciate your thoughts. Till what time is it alright for parents to hold the dreams/aspirations of their children ransom to religion and culture. And after what stage (if at all) is it justifiable to break free of these chains? You are free to choose not to answer at all :)”

Now I officially feel like an agony aunt on national TV.  Most of the time we get to see people with no expertise or experience waxing eloquence on things well beyond their grasp. Under normal circumstances I would have simply answered your question in one word. But these days I seem to be short of blog topics. Jispa has been growing up and all the cute stuff is slowly coming to a close. Most of the stuff I seems to have an opinion on seems to have been expressed already on the blog. What more can I write about. Or possibly my mind is currently in a state of flux. I am growing up and questioning a lot of my beliefs. Life is moving rapidly. Most the time the constant belief that remains with me is that ‘such is life, sit back and enjoy its turns and twists. That is possibly very boring to write in a blog. Just sit back and watch. How many times can I write that? There is politics at play in the office – just sit back and watch. There is politics at the gymkhana – just sit back and watch. There is politics within the team – just sit back and watch. What all can I write. Suddenly I feel like the Buddha, smiling as the world unfolds itself in front.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone going through a pessimistic phase of life. To him I was saying, sure India is going through shit, but that’s ok. When I was growing up we did not have anything to latch on to. I am happy for whatever we have. I couldn’t have imagined that I would find myself, where I find myself today. Mere pass, gaadi hai, bungla hai, paise hai… and so on. And of course like the anti hero – mere bhi paas ma nahi hai. She kicked me out some time back. Though now we seem to be getting along fine. She has made an effort not to get on my case and I have made an effort to repair those bridges. Thank god that while God gave me an ego he also gave me the temperance to allow me to swallow it. So coming back to the conversation. He seemed pessimistic about the future and on the fact that he was building white elephants. I looked back at him and smiled. These are problems of having and not problems of not having. As long as they are problems of having, they can be solved. The problems of not having are the ugly ones. He smiled at me and said that I am lucky that I have a positive frame of mind. Well, I told him that I have been kicked on my butt too many times to be negative. I can’t live otherwise. Of course I know my butt is going to be whipped and I know by whom but if I don’t care about the pain you can inflict on me then by that extension you have no power over me. He smiled again. I think he thinks of me as the Buddha. Haha. Like a colleague often looks at me and tells me ‘you have switched to Buddha mode’. I like that mode. Its helps me deal with a whole host of shit.

(side story - he gave me this link which i agree with but still doesnt dampen my CURRENT optimism - http://open.salon.com/blog/sean_paul_kelley/2009/03/26/reflections_on_india)

Jispa and Jasmine are another set of interactions to watch. They also have their own weird relationship. Jispa is growing up and Jasmine is quite the amiable person. But they can’t fight on so many things. In fact they keep fighting all the time. Till Sunday when Jispa’s vacations were on, they were having the best of time. They were hugging each other, playing with each other, walking with each other, chatting with each other… anything but fight with each other. I was amazed. This was too good to be true. This can’t be. Jispa was having a great time with Jasmine with no arguments or fights. Normally I am the peace keeper and the judge / jury between the two. But I was happy to be in the background or even in the foreground as both of them ganged up on me for some good humored fun. I have always believed that a family must be able to criticize itself and each other. I should be able to criticize Jispa or Jasmine and vice versa. Jispa had a lot of freedom to correct me and tell me what she thinks of me. She can say what she wants. Only thing I do is stop her from being disrespectful in public. She needs to avoid that. Jasmine is not so open to this. So Jispa has to learn that daddy and mommy are a different kettle of fish and need to be treated separately. That is not parenting 101, where both parents are expected to be consistent and not at odds with each other. I have often told Jispa that, a certain thing is Mummy’s idea not mine, so while I don’t endorse it, I am not going to oppose it. And I if think it’s not that great an idea, I tell Jispa about it. But at the same time I tell her that I may not be right, or I don’t have the means to implement otherwise or it’s simply not my department and hence we are following mommy’s idea. I would like her to realize that two people need not have the same idea at all times and just because there is divergence of views there need not be chaos or discord. So coming back… all the love and affection lasted till Sunday night. The last day of the vacation! Come Monday both were again on each other’s throat. That just showed one thing. Nothing was fundamentally wrong with the relationship, only that the pressures of time and duty which are inexorably linked to the clock can create all sorts of chaos for a relationship. And all sorts of complications creep in only to disappear when these externalities of time and scarcity are removed. So I have learnt to just see and smile as the world unfolds itself.

Today I was deconstructing the poem that Jispa is going to perform for the elocution. It’s about Ram and Raavan. The way I see it, it is like a bard singing in praise of the lord restoring order and dharma to the land. I was explaining that Jispa must bring out the love for the Lord when the line on Ram comes up, and then she added – should I bring about hate when the villain comes in? Well no. there isn’t really a villain in Hindu Mythology. Raavan wasn’t really a bad guy as more recent stories have made him out to be. He was a good guy, a great devotee of Shiva, his population loved him and doesn’t your own poem talk about Lanka being made of Gold. Then I helped her understand one version of the Ramayana. Raavan was a good guy but why did he go for Sita. That is because His sister Surpanakha egged him on and told him to take revenge for her humiliation. That’s because she coveted Ram and when Ram refused she asked for Lakhsman and when both said no, she tried to kill Sita; when Lakhsman chopped her nose and ears. But wasn’t that an excessive thing to do. Lakhsman need not have humiliated her. HE could have just stood in front and warned her that if you make one move I will kill you. Unnecessary humiliation that started off a war.

I am also just thinking right now. That is such a mean thing to do. One student once told me, that sir do you know so many girls have this huge crush on you. Of course I am aware. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it isnt but I would be pretty insulted if there weren’t any. Someone cool and young comes in with contrary opinions, cracks tons of jokes and has a good class, it’s easy to have a crush. I too had a crush on so many teachers. It’s ok. And I told her that I always try and treat these kids with a lot of love back. Some kids come close and touch you to hold you or try and talk to you. I try and not break their heart. I am always sweet to them and their boyfriends and everyone. After all having a crush on you, the way I see it, is a responsibility to be shouldered well. It’s a great privilege. It’s cute to have attention, but it’s also extremely important that it’s treated well. Of course it will pass like they all do. But it should pass with fond memories and not with malice. Which is what Lakhsman spread.

So that’s what he did. So Raavan came in and took Sita. But not before Sita got greedy for the golden deer. They were in the jungle so the rules of Jungle applied. Might was right and Sita could be taken by force and deception. Ram even left Lakhsman to guard her but sensing that Ram was in danger, Sita sent Lakhsman off while giving him a sharp rebuke. He made a lakhsman rekha which in simple mythology is a magical line which an enemy could not cross but in terms of meaning was simply a boundary of the house. The house is civilization where laws of civil society applied. In the jungle, might ruled. So While Sita was in civil society she was governed by the laws of civil society hence Raavan couldn’t enter. So he tricked her out and abducted her. Raavan in many ways also did not break any rules. He also did not force himself on Sita but kept her with all respect in Lanka. He too was a good man but he was proud of his powers hence he still twisted the laws and came under the influence of his sister. And Ram also sent a warning to Raavan that give me my wife back and I will peacefully leave. When Raavan refused, the war began.

‘So that’s that Jispa’. It’s not that easy. Not all are white and not all are black. Raavan was not evil. So possibly unlike what your poem suggests while he was Abimaani (proud), but not atyachari (cruel?), and Ramw as the man who restored Dharma. “what is dharma” she asked. I was lucky to have read up Dharma a few days ago and hence I explained to her that it was a simple rule or code of righteousness that ensured people did their duties. Otherwise there would be chaos. She asked if it was like paap (sin) and punya (brownie points). No. that is a point system while Dharma is a code of what you are to do irrespective of points.

So culture is possibly important as it is something that we can pass on over to our children. Religion is also part of our culture. But it can’t be restrictive. These are not chains. These are ladders, steps on which we climb over. Culture by definition must change. You must have a healthy respect for culture. That is obvious. But what is not obvious is that you must have a healthy disrespect for culture. I am not a great son (my mom kicked me out) and I definitely not a great dad (I still mess up big time), so I can’t be the right guy to tell you what is right. But I definitely don’t see culture as encumbrances. Move with the times. Step back, retain what you want, and throw what you feel. Try and understand what is culture and rituals. When Jasmine’s grand mom passed away recently I was explaining to my nephew what each of the rituals could possibly mean. why we would carry burning cow dung to the cremation center (there was possibly no fire to be found in the jungle those days), why the pot of water must be broken from under your feet and never to look behind (symbolizing the end and don’t look behind so that you leave those gone forever and possibly don’t get scared by ghosts). Culture / rituals have meaning. A lot has been lost in translation. Have the patience to understand if possible or the curiosity to translate to what you think right. The Ram story also is a bit my interpretation and a lot thanks to reading Devdutt Patnaik. There are no absolute truths, only interpretations of culture. Likely or unlikely. And in this context I see religion as nothing different from culture. So that too is always a change. You can tell stories about them, you can explain its understanding and rules. You can inspire but I don’t think you can bind. Lying, smoking, non-veg is not bad as it’s against culture, but because it’s not good. Period. But then as an adult you are free to do what you want to do. Till then home ties bind you. So in effect till Jispa listens to me, culture is binding her. But I am telling her not to be bound by it. hmm… I did tie myself into knots didn’t I? But like the name of the blog says. Opposites must reconcile. I am binding her but I am not. I am telling her not to obey anything but if she is does or doesn’t she is obeying or not obeying. Both ways it’s a standoff. Opposites do reconcile in ways we think not possible.

I have been watching few Sherlock Holmes episodes. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”. What’s the relation of this to the blog. Nothing really. I just thought of it. It’s a nice quote. Full stop.

the streets demand blood

Recently there was a case of a horrendous gang rape in the capital. It was brutal and the girl dies after battling for life. Really really bad. No two ways about it. The nation has started protesting and are... and are… standard thing… calling for blood. They want things from dead to chemical castration to cutting off the organ to everything else. They want death. They want tougher laws and … blood.

I sometimes wonder about our education system and beliefs. Everything seems to be solvable by tougher laws. That’s possibly the easy solution as the proletariat sees it. Kuch bhi kar, just get their dam blood. Sure it’s a gruesome crime, and possibly in this case the culprits would possibly get the death rap. Possibly the courts will be fast tracked, decisions taken and the rap will be issued. I sure hope the law of the land is followed and hope it does not end up being a kangaroo court and a trail by media or the public. I don’t believe in public hangings or public retribution. There are laws and they need to be followed.

Bad is bad. And I not for once, condoning what has happened. I understand what the parents are going through, what the male friend would be going through and definitely I can imagine what the lady went through. But the answer is not a bloody kangaroo court. Simply having even tougher laws or castration (chemical or physical). That won’t solve anything. On one hand we have idiots creaming for tougher laws and sending messages like the one I got a few days back. Here read on -

“For Rape 1) UAE- Instant Death Penalty within 7 days hanging 2) Iran- Instant Stoned to death/hanging with 24 hrs 3) Afghanistan - Instant death by bullet on head within 4 days 4) China - No Trial, Medical proved rape then Death Penalty 5) Malaysia - Death Penalty 6) Mongolia - Death as revenge by family 7) Iraq - Death by stone till last breath 8) Taliban - Limbs/ Legs/ All Cut Off & then stoned & then shot 9) Poland - Death thrown to Pigs 10) INDIA -full of corruption/ politicians rule, Compromise, Thinking, Trial, Bribe of 2 lacs, Rich family Kid forgiven, Abuse & Embarrassment to Girl. NO ACTION.. Even the girl dies still no charge sheet filed.. Till date Indian government is thinking=-? Share it frndz till it bcumz d voice of whole nation..!”

I shudder to think the consequences of being in any of the nations as explained. None of these nations have any women empowerment so as to think about. Women don’t want to be born again in these countries and we start using this as an example. Brutal law has its consequences and normally the biggest reason for brutal law is suppression of freedom.

And then you have the idiots on the other side who want women to dress more modestly, ban their cell phones and put them behind locked doors. That’s the other side.

 In all this there is no sane voice on what is actually required at the grass roots. How do we change the policing? How do we change the attitudes of the people?

But I guess people get the governance they deserve. They ask for stupid laws with no thinking. Always a knee jerk reaction. Knee jerk is good. Big incidents shape course of history but… dam us.. I wonder why we can’t think rationally and why we can’t let go of rhetoric. That always eggs us on. Are we that dumb a race?

When was the last time you spoke to yourself?

Experience is important. That is saying the obvious but having an insatiable curiosity with a deep urge to relate seemingly disparate experiences or incidents at every possible instance – that is what magnifies experience. I think I said much more than I can chew. But simply speaking…

Yesterday Jispa and I were trying to get her Hindi elocution right and she was saying it in her style. I told her, that’s how second grade students say it. They try and emphasis every third word. It’s like a jerky dance move. You don’t need to space out every third word or line with a space followed by an emphasis. You need to sing it, or say it in a way that it sounds straight but vary your tone to get your emphasis. Let it be a one smooth flow but the variation will allow for the emotion to get through. I explained to her while dancing and by singing and by humming. What is it that you like?

Now where did I get that theory from? I also did not know I had it in my brain till I explained it to Jispa and it did sound quite right. Then I asked Jasmine if I made sense. And then I asked her “you know where I got this from?” I realized that the genesis of this theory was in a Ted video I once saw of Benjamin Zander. Here he explains how kids while learning the piano first start by giving an impulse every note then every second and … till he reaches a point where there is only one impulse and he.. he becomes a one buttock player. Haha. Yes that’s what he says. See this video and you will love it. This is explained within the first four minutes of the video.

Benjamin Zander on Ted – the transformative power of classical music

What I loved is that I had seen this video years ago and I could relate what he saying to some other thing in life. You need a lot of experiences in life. A lot of exposures. All exposure is good. That’s what I love about my field. It thrives on multiple exposures and application of these exposures in varied places. Like when designing a motif I could explain how many horns does an Indian rhino have or using the ghariyal in another. Or using the ending of the movie Parinda to explain to the creative guy why his ending will be difficult but critical to the entire design, or some other vague stuff.

These days, as if there isn’t enough to do, I have gotten myself elected as a subcommittee member with the Matunga gymkhana swimming department. As a part of that I thought we should design t shirts and amongst other things I saw the logo. On the logo were the words in Sanskrit - Sharira maatram khalu dharma sadhanam. Which lead me to research what it means? Simplistically it meant that the Body is an instrument to fulfill your dharma.

“Any acharas (customs and rituals) which can contribute to better health fall under this category of acharas. It is told that sareeram adhyam khalu dharma sadhanam. Body is the first tool for performing the dharma. Hence health is very important factor for maintaining a dharmic life.”

Now what can I write on the tshirt. “dharma” can also be interpreted as religion as opposed to the path of righteousness, which led to me further research on what the hell is Dharma? If I need to simplify I need to be clear. It led me to more research. Amongst a lot I found nuggets of wisdom like:

“How the acharas used to get refined? It is said that acharyaath paadam aadatthey paadam sishya swamedhaya paadam sa brahmachaaribhya sesham kalakramena cha. One quarter of the acharas is to be learned from the teacher and one quarter by the student himself, one quarter by discussing with others and the last part during the process of living ( by addition, deletion, modification and correction).”

I agree. As a teacher I can only give you so much. Max one fourth. Then it is up to us to push our learnings. Discussion with others and the process of living teaches us 50% of what we know. I don’t meet to many people with whom I can discuss stuff similar to what I like but I find tons of people with whom I can discuss stuff that they like. Together they add up. And the biggest teacher is life itself. Hmm… this stuff is pretty cool.

Then I got this nugget:

“Is it compulsory that every Hindu should follow these acharas ?  It is left to his/her discretion whether to practice or not to do so. It is said that Swagrame pooranmacharas anya graame thadarkhakam pattane tu thath paadam yaatre balaath acharatheth. If you are living in your own village, follow all the acharas. If you are living in other villages, follow one half of the acharas. And if you are in a city /town one quarter of the acharas are to be practiced. But in en tour, acharas need not be followed like a child.”

This is also true and it sounded a lot like what my dad once told me. At the early stage of his career he was in London for a year. I was conceived there. And later for a large part of my childhood we stayed in Dubai. He said – when you are in a foreign country you have to be like them to enjoy that life. You have to follow their customs. Like in London you have to go to the pubs and enjoy your beer on Friday evening. That’s their culture and when you are there you have to be like them. My dad would have best understood what the Sanskrit was saying. He was raised in a small town in Gujarat and then moved to the city of Mumbai and then moved abroad and afterwards returned.

It’s true. There are rules in your life or broad principals you live by. A lot have been taught to you (yes yes in moral science class), a lot you have seen around you being followed and lot you have seen broken around you. What is important is what you learn and interpret from all that is available to you. Nothing is sacrosanct. There are no dogmas. Like another cliché ‘believe noting, question everything’. Follow your own path. A good teacher can only open your mind to a way or a style of thinking. A good student builds his life and his thinking on top of that.

That’s what I like about marketing. There are so many instances where I can take one learning and apply it elsewhere. That’s possibly what I love about teaching nd that’s possibly why I love parenting. See… writing this blog help me realized this. You don’t even need to discuss with someone to learn more. You can learn more by simply talking to yourself. When was the last time you spoke to yourself?

brain fry - stuff on moral science

What a bloody brain fry. The issue of morality and ethics is complete brain fry. The fun bit is that people with the least knowledge have the highest volume of opinion on the same. This is a topic fraught with so much controversy and it requires some amount of deep thinking to come to any conclusion on the same. In any case I don’t think one can come to any conclusion as regards the same. It can only be a matter of opinion at a given point of time. What on earth are morals? They themselves have changed over a period of time with the bar on what is acceptable constantly changing. The views change depending upon your religion and orientation. Everything is so subjective… and then we have this taught in schools by the teachers who all think moral science is so dam easy. Take care of your parents, respect the elders, speak the truth and don’t --- don’t practically everything you enjoy doing.

To my mind most of the moral science classes were taken by the class teacher or the teacher with an hour to spare. Science and math were probably the hep subjects with those teachers being the rock stars. Moral science teacher being a rock star? That one was the simple one with a stupid workbook to solve. Most of the teachers who are used to teaching that there is one answer to a solution were ill equipped to teach the changing nature of moral climate and the complete dynamic nature of it interpretation. I am sure no moral science teacher would have even heard about, leave alone dared to teach about the trolley problem. The trolley problem in its simplicity is as below but there are many various levels to it, which can be found online. Google them.

“There are two basic trolley problems. The first problem, invented by a philosopher called Philippa Foot, is that a trolley is going to kill five people on the rails. The question is whether you should turn the trolley onto another set of tracks on a spur where there is just one person. So you can save five lives at the cost of one life. Almost everyone, when you ask them that question, says you should do that and kill the one person.

Another moral philosopher called Judith Jarvis Thomson came up with another trolley problem, the “fat man” problem. The trolley is going along as before, and is going to kill five people. But this time you’re on a footbridge, and you can stop the train by pushing a fat man onto the tracks, who is so large that his bulk will stop the train and save the five lives. The question, again, is whether you should save five lives by sacrificing one. But 90% of people think it’s wrong to push the fat man.”

 I got this from an interview I was reading today. It was quite an interesting one and I would recommend it for all. http://www.salon.com/2012/12/26/when_is_it_ethical_to_kill_somone/ .

As a young kid I had a very simple approach to moral science. Like most idiots I too had a black and white approach to it. And I think that was encouraged and appreciated. You should always speak the truth; you should always blah blah… and so on. The basic principal being that there are one set of moral values that are universal and all pervasive. Some things are wrong and some things are right. Full stop. Moral Science is not a place for debate. As I learnt much much later at my own cost and on my own experience –things are not so simple.

Today morning at the swimming pool we saw a crow dipping a ‘ghatia’, (fried snack), in the water and then eating it. a lot of people have takent o feeding crows in Mumbai and the popular choice is ghatias. With me were two very religious Jain friends. My view is that feeding a scavenger home made fried food was a little out of line. The topic moved to the various well meaning ‘kabutar khanas’ in the cities. At these places, religious folks buy grain and feed them to the free pigeons. While giving them life, some research believes that this is causing an upset in the circle of life and causing the sparrow population to dwindle. Hah! Tell that to the well-meaning Jain folks coming out of the temple and doing their good deed for the day. Ethics have a similar ripple effect. There are millions of unintended and unimagined consequences of what we do and the actions we take.

Debate becomes the most important point of this thinking. Everything must be preceded by an internal debate in your mind. What is right and what is wrong. Under what circumstances has the action been taken before we sit to pass judgment? We require a cool head, deep introspection an open mind and a belief in the subjectivity of things to take a final call. This is possibly too much to ask for. I wonder why?

Currently given the fast pace of life at work and in personal life, pace is given priority over measure. And I have no issues with that. I too am a firm believer in pace. What’s the point of being paralyzed by analysis? But decision does not mean end of debate. I am not saying that subjectivity should slow you down, only that recognizing that subjectivity is present will help you think better, build bridges and open your mind.

But forget that. I think all this is too much to ask for in anyone, including myself. The philosophy at its extreme almost questions everything that we take for real, including the holy grail of the love that the mother has for a child. How did I lead here – well that’s for another day. But if you build the argument in your head, you can question everything, find a motive behind everything and question every action. Forget. It’s too much to think.

Right now also my head is reeling under all these questions. For me the simple answer is subjectivity. There is no truth, no absolute truth and no set of codified laws written on tablets to be followed. Sue your own moral compass. Do what you think is right. At that time. At that moment. Understand the moral principles governing society, and choose what you want to do. Do you want to be a rebel and turn them around or do you want to quietly cede ground or do you want to live in a duality. How people do you want to offend and how many do you want not be pissed off? I don’t think these questions were asked of us in moral science class. In fact no bloody question was asked. We were simply told what is right and what is wrong. I wish it was so dam simple.

Whose incentive is it?

I went out for fresh coconut water with a colleague. On the way, we saw this.

I told my colleague that this was the best argument for capitalism. She was like – what, how, what was I talking about? The lady brooming the street you see is not a government employee. She is an entrepreneur. She is the lady who sets up a stall in the day selling buttermilk. She typically sells it for the tired and sweaty commuters as well as the office folk who walk out after lunch. And she mixes her buttermilk right there. Since she sells food stuff, she obviously likes the place to be clean. Office goers like to drink buttermilk in a place they assume to be clean and hygienic. She doesn’t want dust flying about. After she finished brooming she splashed water on the street so that the remaining dust settles down as well. She did a good job of keeping her environment clean.

A case of where the government fails miserably while the private sector does a great job free of cost, without prodding. Economic interests dictate human behavior. The sweeper hired by the government has no incentive to sweep well. If had done his job she wouldn’t have had the need to clean the place. But the fact is simple, the way it is structured, the lady has an incentive to clean up and the sweeper has no incentive to clean it. Incentives. We simply respond to incentives.

I was listening the other day to a freakonomics podcast on incentives and children. How you must incentivize good behavior. Some study they did and it showed that kids respond well to incentives. No surprise here. But another interesting thing that a typical parent with a girl will tell you – they found no correlation between incentives and young girls responding. The girls were sweet or behaved because they wanted to and not because they were incentivized. I can tell you from experience and from other parents talking – you can’t really give girls money and ask them to behave. You can’t cut their pocket money for bad things and stuff. We tried a lot of things with Jispa – giving cash, interest and stuff. Nothing worked. She will best respond to emotional blackmail not money. That’s the way sweet girls are. To make her do something I have to make a face not reach for my wallet. Oh lovely girls. They are the best!

what you sow, so will you...

Yesterday we had the good fortune of going for the special exhibition of artifacts from Egypt, courtesy of the British Museum which had collaborated with Mumbai’s own Prince of Wales Museum. Normally the Mumbai museum all these years was a very staid place with little changing but the quality of exhibits kept me going and I loved taking Jispa there. First we used to take her to the Natural history section, then we took her often to the other parts of the museum. I loved rediscovering the museum with her.

Of late the museum is begging to get a new lease of life. It seems that is courtesy the new museum director who is proactively trying to do stuff. There are small small activities like getting your favorite animal rubber stamped at a table near the section or a stamp of some symbol or something. Next to it is a donation box in exchange where you can put in whatever amount you want, in return for getting a card with the rubber stamps. There is also a place where you get yourselves some head gear and get yourself photographed in in. the last time we went to the museum, we had visited the special exhibition from China which had two original soldiers on display from the famous terracotta army.

This time the Egypt exhibition was in a class of its own. There was a ton of PR preceding the exhibition. It’s here on display for around six months so there is adequate time for a lot of people to see it. AS we approached the entrance we saw there was a counter for the audio tours, reasonably priced at 70 bucks a guide. We took three as we were three adults with four children. After we had taken it and paid up we saw one counter where one young lady was sitting with an official badge. Over her head was a sign announcing guided tours in Hindi, English and Marathi. I asked the young lady if we could get a guided tour. She said of course. In English? I asked. Yes. Ok cool we are on. So I told my group that we have a guide and off we went on the tour. Our guide, Stuti was a young first year arts student. She was amongst the best guide we ever had. She held the attention of four kids, explained the Egyptian terms to them in an easy manner while using words like cool, dudes, rocking, silly etc while questioning the attention of the kids by asking questions of stuff she had already said. She rocked. She was patient for the complete 2 and half hours we took. The exhibition was also lovely with a lot of artifacts and around 4 real mummies. Wow. That is so cool. At eth end, Spoke to her “thank you Stuti, it was lovely. Do we owe you anything”. “nopes, she said, its free”. “ok, would it be appropriate if we still gave you something”. “no, no. but thanks a lot” she said with a  lovely smile.  Cool. We left thinking what a swell job she did. And not for money or any tip, but because she wanted to do a great job. While we walked out we saw a corner selling some Egypt branded curios of decent quality. We thought we should buy her something. So we bought a note book with the kids signing and writing some stuff at the back page and we got the kids to gift it to her. She resisted a while, but then Jasmine explained that it’s only a book and it’s signed with some notes, so she could actually accept it.

That experience left me with some hope. The museum is changing and what I understand is that it’s because of its new director who is trying to bring about change and bring it into the people’s realm and imagination. The staff also suddenly seem very polite and welcoming. Things are changing. If the museum can change thanks to the effort of one man, then a lot can.

Today I was discussing with HR. On Monday we had a Christmas celebration with some games to be played in the evening. Very few turned up and we finally had teams after we sent some emissaries to drum up guys to play. All those who played, played heartily and had a great time. The HR chic was complaining that we are like this only. No one comes. I explained it’s the culture of our firm and this culture comes from the top. While we played, which cabin guy on the floor except me was enthusiastic about the games? People only do what they think they are expected to do. You will party and then be jammed for it or be typecast for it. Who would then want to come in and play? Do the bosses actually want you to enjoy or play lip service to HR initiatives? It’s almost like these fun and games are for non-serious, non-managerial staff. Why would people come?

All these years I have learnt, change comes from the top. One man with energy like the Museum director can bring about change and enthusiasm that can possibly help a million others dream. Jispa now knows (and me of course) what exactly does a Mummy look like. My team knows that taking part in fun events is good and that helping HR organize like their boss does is an even better thing. Go out, do stuff. Change start from you, especially if you are higher shit. Like I told the HR lady, which father is the right guy, the one who says – here is ten bucks enjoy your vacation or hey, it’s your vacation, let’s go and play in the garden. You get the culture you deserve.

I can, i really can, see this...

Paintings. I love people who can paint, people who have control over their hands. I could never paint for anything. The colors would run into each other, the paper would get extra wet, the table would get messy, we would not have enough space, my mind would run faster than the pain and generally, it would be a really bad job. And invariably I would do something wrong and then try to patch it with something else and before you know it my masterpiece is finished.

Jispa has been using Jasmine’s new smart phone (galaxy note) to paint. She uses one of the aps to draw and color stuff. Once on the vacation when I had time, I drew some stuff along with her. I tried to teach her different ways to look at things. Some little imagination. Not that I am a great art teacher. I am possibly a bad teacher but at least I could improve her tree. After which I have been thinking about fiddling with my phone. Also in the meanwhile I discovered Instagram and the fun you could do to pictures. And then some more searching revealed the recently launched pixelexpress which lets you fiddle around like crazy with the mobile phone. Many years ago V-inu and I had been to the ardh-kumbh mela in Allahabad and we met a photo journalist. An absolute brilliant photographer who only moved around the whole day with a camera with a 50mm lens and would shoot stuff. I was the amateur, while V-inu was the budding enthusiast and Ben was the champion. The rule they had in photo journalism was that once you click it you can tinker around it with too much. Cropping was ok, but adding stuff was a strict no no. Ya sure. But now I am discovering the fun world of cell phone timepass. I click, I edit, I add effects, colors and have fun. Its opened up a brand new creative side of me that I knew existed but never understood how to use. And I fiddle with two softwares to get the desired effect.

After Jispa started using the phone to paint, I was hunting for a painting software. I downloaded one a few days back. It’s not that great and intuitive but it was pretty decent and once you get the hang of it you kinda get used to it and the different stuff you can do with it. So o played around with it entire day yesterday. I managed to paint something. Amongst the little stuff I could paint – a sun on the horizon and a tree in the foreground. Then I finished my painting and then used the photo editing software to fiddle with it, change the contrast, add some texture, change the light, the focus and the border… and voila… there is a ‘painting’ that I am proud of. It’s not that great, but it looks like a painting to me. It’s what I wanted to paint. That is it. It’s mine, all mine. My imagination, not copying anyone else’s or anything else. It’s beautiful as I see it. Man I am so proud of it. I kept showing it to Jispa. Jispa was like “you really like it, nah?” Yes of course. I love it. It’s not the painting… it’s the fact that now I could paint. I could express myself in some way. I could in effect create something. I feel like a child showing off my first big painting. Yes I CAN PAINT!.. yipeee. This stuff is strong and powerful. Its feels light and liberating. Here is the painting or should I say pic…

This stuff is likely to grow. You are likely to get more such stuff done by simple people off the road. I always maintained that in the new world you did need to know how to paint. Powerful softwares like corel or photoshop will help you achieve everything you wanted to. But now I want to see this – school children learning to paint on their tablets. No need to buy colors or paint brushes and no remarks in the diary – ‘paints not brought’. Ya my arts teacher actually used to write that remark. Just paint.

You know the real killer app of the software is the ‘undo’ button. I used it so much. I kept painting, kept undoing, kept experimenting, kept undoing…. Wow. This is so cool. Now I think I will even take photos and mash them up with the sketching tool and get something cool! It so unburdens creativity. Now I guess I understand how Steve Jobs was so cool and how he made a profound impact on the world as we know it. Design… the ease of use of technology, the simplicity of applications… all these must be credited to him. Yes. I use android but I know all this is a gift from him, his vision and inspiration led to all of this. You have to give it to him. I bow to you. thanks.

Buddha mode

Sometimes my brains can just get shot. And it explodes on unsuspecting innocent guys trying to do their job. Usually at the bottom rung of the hierarchy. For example the security guards, who follow the letter of the law and choose to not exercise their grey matter. But of course I would be very worried, given the demographics and the psycho-graphics of the security guards employed, if those jokers started exercising their brains. I get great kicks in doing small stupid things, like for example writing my name as Amitabh Bachchan in the visitor’s book. My inspiration is one movie scene where the hero is going to a hotel and the clerk at the check in asks him for his name, to which our hero replies “Amitabh Bachchan”. The clerk looks up disbelieving to which the hero retorts “kyun, duniya mein ek hi aadmi ka naam Amitabh Bachchan ho sakta hai?”. No one ever checks the data, what you wrote or what your actual name is. So the joy I get is that sometime at the end of the day somebody might check in and figure that Amitabh Bachchan actually came in and they missed talking to him.

Let’s look at a few altercations between me and them.

Incident 1 – Jispa and I enter theater and the guard will not allow Jispa in while she is eating an apple. Sorry – screw you guys – I am not stopping my daughter from eating the apple. So I physically push the guard and walk in with Jispa, while refusing to bow in to stupid rules. I understand you don’t want to take my picnic hamper in but to stop a  kid who is currently eating an apple is taking the rules too far.

Incident 2 – At the same theater they check for all eatables but allow flasks to be taken in as milk for the kids. That is allowed. So we take cold coffee for us inside the theater and then I go to the water cooler and take their plastic cups for pouring the coffee for all. This time they looked at me and asked me what was inside. I said milk for my kid. They opened the pack and smelt it. He said its coffee. I said ‘yes, coffee flavored milk; you have a problem with that’. It seems they did have a problem with that. So I just snatched the flask from him and still went inside saying, do whatever you want, you can’t stop me from carrying milk for my child.

Incident 3 – I am at a corporate office with my wife and I am writing in the visitor’s entry book. I have never ever really understood why one would require a visitor’s entry book. Those desirous of causing mischief aren’t really going to write their real names. I was there in personal capacity and not representing my firm. So while I was writing in there was a column that says – ‘coming from’. That is meant for writing your company name. To which I left blank. The security guard asked me to fill it in. I said, ‘I am coming from home’. That was apparently not acceptable. I explained to him that his column was for the office not for my home and he has no business knowing where my home is. That was a problem. So I pointed out to him the previous entry which also had a missing filed in the same column. He told me that, it was forgotten to be filled in. So then I looked at him and said, that I too have forgotten to fill it in. Sorry. I walked in without filling in the form. My wife is looking at me and asking me ‘what’s your issue in life’. I told her that I didn’t know. But I guess she is used to me bursting out at these idiots and standing up to silly inane rule.

Incident 4 – this was as a college kid. We were playing on the lawns near the home. Freshly maintained and beautified by the security. All of kids just stood up to the posse of security guards and said – you can do whatever you want, we will continue to play.

Incident 5 – I am walking into a residential building to deliver a parcel. I ask for the address and the security manager in a safari suit… yes the safari suit. The senior guy gets to roam around in a safari suit and grow a big mustache  so this safari clothed monster comes up and asks me to write my name in the visitor entry book. Now why would a residential building start this shit? So I looked at him with a stern face and I asked him, do even guests need to write their names in? ‘no’ was his reply. So I turned to him, squared up and asked him, ‘so what else do you think I look like?’. While I stared at him, I could hear his junior guard laughing. Obviously the man couldn't make out if I was a guest or a stupid delivery boy. My wife later joked that I looked like a delivery boy.

Incident 6 – slightly unrelated but once I was parking my car near the same theatre which is near my building complex and there was a taxi being waiting. I asked him to move so that I could park. He asked me if I was a resident. Yes of course I was.so he asked me for my card or something. I lost it. I screamed out loud and told him, that I did not need to show him my card and he was nobody to ask me for ID. Wow. Sometimes I can use my booming voice to good effect.

At the end of it, it’s worth a laugh but I don’t like these incidents. They don’t leave you feeling good. Your blood rushes to your hands and legs and you feel ready for an altercation and some hormones or the other are being produced. Sorry. I don’t enjoy being in a fight. I prefer avoiding confrontation. Over the years I have taught myself to laugh it off, to somehow diffuse the situation. Even now, as I look back, I think about how I could have been nice, sweet yet firm. Basically done the same without getting my adrenaline or any other hormone pumped up. That’s the right way to handle a situation. That’s how I try and handle stuff in office. With a little bit of serenity and calmness. You can shout but I must focus on the simple issues at hand and not get worked up. Buddha mode ON.

Dreams... best left at that

Last weekend Jispa’s swim meet which was held at Cricket Club of India. It helped me fulfill one dream of mine. To sit in the stands and watch a Ranji trophy match. Mumbai was playing Bengal in the match. The match also happened to be held at the same venue and there is stadium access from the pool area. Not that it mattered. Ranji matches are in any case I think free of cost to watch.

The stadium was empty save one stand. This was the stand above the screen on the opposite end from the pavilion. There were about 50 guys relaxing and watching. Some seemed knowledgeable and knew when to applaud a delivery. But on the whole the stadium was empty. If one were to look at the crowd, one would assume cricket is dying in India. That made me think what all could be done to promote this form of the game.

I thought that we could have a band for starters. Then allow people to get in their own food and beverages as a picnic. Since the stadium has steps in the stands they would need to create a flat platform. Also one could provide for decent cheap food and drinks as well on the other side have a better type restaurant. Then a bowling machine on one side for people to try their hand at cricket, contests for looking weird, and lots more fun. And also digital screens for replays, proper score boards, interactions with experts… blah blah. The most important –get the guys to wear t shirts with names on them. These poor Ranji players might be great players but no one knows them and we at least deserve to know their names if they bat or bowl or field. In short, keep the game sacred, after all it’s a test match, but spectators need a carnival! And then publicize the carnival. Use the press.

One of the things I was also thinking about was have a photography contest. One the sidelines have a veteran photographer giving tips and have these hoards of amateurs clicking and sharing. There you even have content for social media, stuff you can share on Facebook and make the match even more talked about. There are a plethora of amateur photographers who think that just because they have an SLR, they are pros at the job. They love coming in and discussing stuff and trying to take great photos. Hell even the non SLR guys are forever clicking.

I was thinking about this when I was walking back to the pool from the stands. There one more swim parent was there. He had a camera in his hand and was trying to get a piece of the action. At that time, one guard was rushing towards him. “no sir, cameras not allowed here. Not allowed to take photos.” There, that’s India for you. ban it, stop it, prevent it. I understand that big stadiums have a security threat on a big match day, but here, you want guys to click away and share the moment. In any case you can’t stop mobile phones which most use in any case. Once IPL season starts, your FB is spammed with guys clicking themselves inside stadiums, even when ‘it’s not allowed’.

You don’t allow food, no drinks, no shops to buy anything from, no names, no replays, no contests, no atmosphere… and you wonder… is domestic cricket dying. Dam you idiots. A complete lethargy of thought from the richest cricket board in India. What do they do with all that money? There is tons of it to do what?

Forget it! My dream was to see a Ranji trophy match. Now I know why I never ever went nor knew anyone who went. What a stupid thing to do. Boredom at its best! Some dreams are best kept the dream stage itself.

meaning

Philosophy warning: This blog has a lot of Philosophy in it. Read at your own risk. the state of mind of the author can be gleamed from the tone of the blog. It may be transient and may not have a lasting impact, though for the moment - it looks like the shit just hit the roof. Read on

There was a funny incident yesterday. I was pretty much frustrated with the whole world. I want to do a  lot … with swimming, training, office work etc etc… my mind was in over drive. I was frustrated that no one else was getting what I can see on the wall. I could get anyone to see the math side of training for swim meets or client acquisitions at work. Ya ya… the two are unrelated but the genesis is that both can be handled by a high use of past data and analytics. But anyways I was at my low point.

In the past I have always bounced back. I think resilience is a quality I have. Shit will hit for some time till I learn to deal with it and then I will hit back at it. And when you are down and out inspiration comes from many quarters. It comes like a bolt from heaven, as if god is trying to tell you something at the time. Possibly that’s why the religious books give a lot of people a lot of solace in troubled times. They are obviously written with a lot of symbolism and meaning on every page. So with so much meaning dripping out, it is not that difficult to find something that means something to you at the right time.

The same goes for T shirts. If enough Tshirt sayings are roaming around you with meaning, your mind will find one that gives it the meaning it’s seeking. I know my mind works faster and more logical than most others. It is ready to move on and quickly makes its decision and takes a few steps ahead. Now the world on an average has trouble catching up, which in turn leads to serious issues on the frustration front for me. So yesterday when I was angry with the entire world, moping that no one understands or cares or can do anything. Hell they don’t even get it, at the point one kid is roaming around with the t shirt that says “sometimes you have to stand up alone, just to know you can still stand”.

How bloody empty and corny is that. But I am ashamed to admit… ok not really ashamed, but, you know… it struck as a voice from above. Without too much explanation and analysis, I can tell you, I found meaning in the line. I took what I wanted from it. Yes, I will have to stand up alone.

I was reading a book where there was this one story of a king who got the wise men to write all the wisdom of the world. The wise men wrote an encyclopedia after ten years which the king dismissed. He wanted it shorter. After another decade he got a book, which too did not please him, then a chapter, and then finally on his death bed, they read him the wisdom of the world in a line. It said “there is no free lunch”. As a corollary to this story I add – you are alone.

And I don’t mean this in a depressing sort of way. Surely there are enough who care for you and love you. But the real truth is that you are alone. You are responsible for your actions or in actions. You are responsible for your ideas and implementation. There are always forces moving you around, but the truth is  - you are alone. The faster it sinks inside of you the better it will be for you. You will not search for answers or meaning outside. You will not look outside but inside to find answer and happiness.

Jispa – your dad is there and your mom is there for you. Tomorrow you will have a partner who I hope loves you and you will in return. You may bear children and have a lovely circle. But the truth is simple – you are alone. You are responsible for what is happening to you and what your state of mind is. I have written about this book before. The title says a lot ‘if you meet Buddha on the road, kill him”. If you look for anything on the road and find it, kill it. There is nothing out there. All what you need is inside of you. Harness it, it will tell you what to do. There is a reason I don’t pray. Now you know.

its a tough job

Time again for Hindi elocution. This time we officially ran out good Hindi poems. I am dam pissed with her school. It was always left to the teacher in my school to give the poems and get the best students to recite. I remember the teacher spending long hours with the student trying to get them to recite the poems well.

These days it is completely left to the parents to search and get a poem. The teacher was telling Jispa to tell us to type Hindi poems for standard four in Google and get poems. What the hell! Of course I am aware of Google. That’s where we always first reach for. This time we were completely idea bankrupt. Jasmine and I always keeps an eye out for poems. She photographed an entire poem book from a friend. We choose a couple and sent it only to be rejected. One was too simple and another from another source was too advanced. Dam you. Beaten, we told Jispa that sorry, this year we don’t think you can take part. We don’t have a poem. Being the last year’s first place winner, the teacher was especially keen for her to participate. She suggested that we talk to another kid’s mother as that kid had two poems. Jasmine called her only to be refused as the second poem was a backup for the next year. Fair.

Luckily, out of the blue Jasmine remembered a friend who had a cousin in Rajkot who was good at elocution. Their school book had a lovely poem which was mailed to Jasmine. Voila! Saved by the skin of our teeth. We sent it to school. This time I told Jispa “don’t give it to teacher and ask her if its ok. Give it and tell her that we found a great poem that we are keen to do”. Jispa came back yesterday to tell us that when she submitted the poem saying those words there was a frown on the teacher’s face which turned to a smile as she read it and said ok. Whew.

So now the saga begins. Getting the poem memorized, then getting the pronunciation and diction right and then the voices. How much for her to do and how much for us to stress her out!

Also now the swimming season has started in earnest. Tomorrow is the first of the swimming meets. Let’s start. Jispa got a brand new sports bag to carry her swim gear in every day. She has been training long and hard. The kids are divided into age groups two years apart. With even a year being too much for these kids, two years puts the lower age kids at a distinct disadvantage. It’s officially called the disadvantage year and the advantage year. So Jispa is in the disadvantage year this year. This will be her first serious disadvantage year and it’s important that she competes well in it. That separates the wheat from the chaff. But of course it’s a long way to go, but you have to compete well in a disadvantage year to really believe you have a chance of making it.

Yesterday, after jasmine and I were discussing some stuff around Jispa’s poetry school and swimming preparations, we looked at each other and remarked – Dam it man, parenting is so bloody tough.

genetically coded love

Whats this?

Well it’s actually a liter of milk boiled think with a can of Milkmaid emptied in, along with lots of pistachios, almonds, a little saffron and some cardamoms.

But what does it mean?

It means a lot of love. It is a representation of love and deep rooted genetically codified desire to keep your loved ones stuffed with fat and feeling happy about it.

 When I was young, on a cold rainy day, my mom would heat up some milk, put in saffron and dry fruits and serve to us. Hot masala milk. It was nice. Good warm milk. In fact warm masala milk is my childhood version of chicken soup. I loved it and it brings back some amazing feelings. Now with happy commercialization, we have Anando Milk available in stores in Mumbai. Anando is the name of a store in Chowpatty. He made his millions selling masala milk at Girgaum Chowpatty. As kids we never had that milk as we were always afraid that having milk outside is highly suspect. So I missed out on that brand. But now he has successfully expanded and he puts visicoolers (fridges with glass doors) in restaurants and serves across outlets. You also have it malls, serving Masala and special masala milk in addition to strawberry and other flavors. Now as an adult, I love the milk! And I introduced it to Jispa. Jispa has also grown to love it. So yesterday she had it at a store and loved it when I mentioned that, I can make it at home for her.

So we got home and I made it. Normally it’s a slow laborious process where you keep heating the milk till it’s thicker, but Milkmaid shortens the process for us. As a parent I am genetically coded to stuff her with fat. So in the end, it turned out much sweeter and has a bit of an over dose of almonds. It tastes more like Soft kulfi than milk but… it’s divine! It was late when it was ready, so she will get to have it today. I tasted it today morning and I have left instructions for Jasmine to dilute it with a little more normal milk as well. We prefer it cold as opposed to hot so hopefully today evening will be a treat for Jispa.

Once, I remember my mom making this hot on a rainy day. It was a special thing in those days, to get mil with all those dry fruits and expensive spices like cardamom and Saffron in it, so it was served like a special thing. My mom even removed special silver glasses for us. Yes REAL SILVER glasses to have warm milk. It was first lesson on applying scientific principals in real life. When you take hot milk and serve in silver, in effect you are using the best conductor of heat to serve something piping hot. You can’t lift the glass without getting burnt. Forget sipping from it. Hahah Silver glasses for hot milk. What a duh thing to do in hindsight. That was one fun family moment.

But yes. For me making this milk more than anything else is an expressing of love.  I love you Jispa, and no matter how much I would love to see you shape up as an athlete with an eight pack ab and toned body, I will still derive the greatest satisfaction from seeing you stuffed with sugar and fat. There is some deep happy feeling that fat stuffing gives parents that a pack of chips cannot. Especially if you are adding the fat and sugar yourself. Wow.

just - here is an image of the product that started it all! Brands do count for a lot of emotional connects in our life :)

Psycho...

One of the first things you lose in corporate life is Innocence. I keep telling the new kids on the block. Shape up, don’t be so stupid, lose your innocence, don’t get screwed, protect your backside. I lost my innocence little by little. So will you. Losing innocence is not necessarily a bad thing. You will lose it, you will get tougher, you will realise that not what everybody says is true. You figure things like what they say versus what they mean; you learn to take instructions over emails and ask people to be specific. There is lot of innocence to be lost.

I lost a lot over the years. Also I have learnt to deal with issues differently. There are so many things that upset you or are potential hazards. Most of the time they are hazards that you have to live with. Shit that you can’t avoid. You just have to be patient and wait out the storm. These things are best dealt with, with your tummy to the ground. These are tough things for your egot o swallow or really hit your self-esteem in the short run. But over the long run it doesn't matter. I have learnt over a period of time to think smartly. Here – this round is yours, it doesn't matter. Here another round is also given to you. You save your blows for the main game. In many cases you just don’t bother about the main game at all. Who cares about the main game? Most the things if sufficiently ignored, just goes away. The challenge is in knowing what to attack and what to ignore.

You learn to deal with a  lot of issues by placing a simple stone on your chest. People will get tramples over… ignore. People will get a raw deal…. Ignore. You can’t change everything. You can’t run with a load of everyone on your back. You cant protect every weak guy. Two things – number one – the weak guy will have to learn to defend himself. The same way I did. I was screwed, smashed and hammered … I got hit, got up and learned to dodge. Better you learn faster than later. Second – if you try and protect too many people you will get exposed yourself and in all probability you will drown and take a few more with you. Simple smarts tell you when to pick which fight.

But yes, it requires you to be cool about things when shit hits the roof. In extreme stress, shut down. Take an objective call. Take a fair call. And be cool about it. I am amazed at how much I can just shut off. Simply shut down that part of the heart which is hurting. Screw you. Stop the brain from thinking too much about what you have lost and focus on what you can salvage. It’s the instinct to survive, the instinct to play the longer run rather than being foolhardy.  Short term bravery can cause serious long term damage. Staying in, grafting slowly, pushing the right envelope is an acquired skill set. Amongst all this the trick is not to lose your moral compass. It’s easy to do so and I see people around me do it all the time. Selfishly sacrificing people, or even killing people for a sport, they do it all the time. that’s wrong. Sure, life teaches you to be smart but the way I see it, I may be guilty of inaction, but surely I am guilty of proactive killing. That’s a wrong thing. I don’t like that and I don’t ever endorse it.

It’s a fine line. because eth greatest pleasure you get is when you are taking revenge. Its  a human instinct. But controlling that instinct is as important as anything else. Its also makes good sense. You gain more from reconciliation than from revenge. Potential upside is better than certain doom.

Whats et me off thinking in this way was an article I read. There are a lot of calls to be taken in one’s life. Some involving sacrifing the happiness of a few to securing that of many. Is that a right thing to do. Are you allowed to play God. We play God to our kids all the time. we take their calls for them,. We push them into situations that we think is best for them. But in offices are you allowed to do that? This is a big question.

There is no easy answer. Yes I am supposed to do that. If someone in my team is not proving to be a good worker, it sis my job to get him or her out of the way of those whose passion it is to perform. Ten years back I would have said otherwise. I would have recommended pulling along dead wood. But again the culture, the circumstances all matter. If you are too quick to pull dead wood off the system, this puts a high human cost on the rest. They all would need to run at all times. They will not trust each other. They will constantly look over the shoulder and you lose out on various other efficiencies. It’s a very complicated call. But the only basic truth is – yes, tough calls need to be taken and they can be taken by putting a stone on your heart.

When Jispa was only a day or two old, we had to pierce her ears for the earrings. Whose job is it to hold her tight? When she needs an injection, whose job is it to hold her again. These are similar situations where being tougher is part of the job. Parenting, along with leading  team through a sea full of sharks calls for tough calls. Emotional calls being tempered by practical day to day calls. Cutting an arm to save a soul. Current human misery versus POROBABLE future benefit.

I have had to fire people due to recessions. I have done it twice and both times I remember having to let go of good guys. I did it but I hated doing it. I try and avoid such situations and hence I always like smaller leaner teams. You share the rewards and you derisk downturns.

Bottom line – I grew up. Not that I like it or as if I had an option. But I grew up.

Here is the article I read. It’s funny how close we are to psychopaths at times. Running life is a test in morals and psycho behavior….. read on

The famous "trolley problem" was a psychological experiment developed by Philippa Foot that involved a railway trolley headed toward five people who can't get out of the way. These people will die unless you, the subject of this experiment, decide to divert the trolley onto another track. That decision comes with a cost. There is another person stuck on that track as well, and that person will die. What do you do?

Well, most people have little difficulty making the "utilitarian" choice of choosing to kill one person instead of five. However, the philosopher Judith Jarvis Thomson proposed a variation to the trolley problem, and the results of this test are quite different.

Thomson's variation is this: "You are standing behind a very large stranger on a footbridge above the tracks. The only way to save the five people is to heave the stranger over. He will fall to a certain death. But his considerable girth will block the trolley, saving five lives. Should you push him?"

This question was taken up by the Cambridge psychologist Dr. Kevin Dutton in recent book on psychopaths called The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success. So how do people with psychopathic tendencies differ from normal people when taking this test and what does it mean? The results may surprise you.

According to Dutton (citing the Harvard psychologist Joshua Greene, who observed psychopaths and normal people dealing with this dilemma), the variation of the trolley problem involves a "personal moral dilemma" that "hammers on the door of the brain's emotion center, known as the amygdala." While this dilemma makes normal people "circumspect and jittery," and 90 percent refuse to push the stranger off the bridge, Dutton writes that psychopaths, "without batting an eye, are perfectly happy to chuck the fat guy over the side, if that's how the cookie crumbles."

In other words, if you, assuming you are a "normal" reader, are hooked up to an fMRI machine, your amygdala would "light up like a pinball machine" when presented with the "personal" version of the trolley dilemma. However, if Dutton performed the same test on a psychopath, he writes, "I would see only darkness." The same would be the case if you showed a psychopath images of famine victims: their brains "merely pull down the emotional window blinds and implement a neural curfew."

Dutton says there is a benefit to this lack of emotion expressed in psychopaths if they are -- as crazy as this might seem -- in positions of leadership. Here's one example, the facts of which have been disputed by historians, but which nonetheless serves as an illustration of the trolley problem on a grand scale.

In his book The Ultra Secret, F. W. Winterbotham argued Winston Churchill knew that the Germans would be bombing Coventry in 1940, but decided not to alert air defenses because it would have compromised Ultra, the British intelligence system that would later be credited with making D-Day a success.

While historians have disputed that Churchill knew the actual target of the raid was Coventry, this "what-if" history certainly makes for an interesting psychopath test:

Would you let 568 civilians perish in the raid on Coventry if that meant many more British soldiers and civilians would ultimately be saved? What would your brain scan look like when the German bombers flew to their targets unmolested? That's the kind of question that isn't asked in presidential debates, but maybe it should.

closure

Jispa is now ten years old and that makes her a very big girl. Of course she is tall. Pretty tall. She comes to me chest and almost to my chin. That makes her a few inches short of 5 feet. She is also now the tallest girl in her class. But she also amongst the eldest. A year apart is a lot of time if you are in school.

But what is most interesting is that she is really maturing as an adult. She is fast getting understanding skills and emotional skills. She is now ready to give back, answer back, reason back. All in at varying levels. She is ready for a fight now. So if I say something or scold her and she thinks something is out of whack she is ready to point it out. So we better be careful while scolding her. OF course we as parents can always win any argument. We simply use or should I say abuse our position of power and say – shut up … do it because we say so. But that would be the wrong thing to do for us ‘enlightened’ parents. We have to think more. In fact I am trying my level best to control temper, shout a lot less, understand a lot more and generally, get off her life in many ways. I don’t want to control her life now and she is pushing back as well. I also can’t give her crap and get away with it, she thinks, argues back and worse, even if she doesn’t argue, she feels that she has been wronged. As a child I too felt many times that I have been shouted at uselessly and felt completely discriminated against. It felt so helpless. I don’t want Jispa to feel helpless on this front. She may not like my decisions if they are forced on her, but I want the channel of communication always open.

On Saturday at night there was something I shouted at her at. She gave me a retort. I gave it back. But then she was pissed as she thought she was scolded at for no reason. OK. I was still speaking to her after that and she was still talking to me but she was pissed. I always try not to be pissed for long. I always talk properly. I try my best to eat my anger and talk properly after I am angry with her. The way I look at it, fundamentally I don’t have a problem with her. Just we are angry on something, so I always keep my cool and talk to her soon afterwards. Talk about the issue, apologise if required and try and understand / explain issues. So this time also I spoke with her and chatted with her. She also spoke back, but she refused to give me a goodnight hug. Her friends were having a sleepover. I just smiled at her and tried to force a truce. Nothing worked. She walked out of the room, but not disrespectfully. I guess as a father I had to respect the space she wanted I left her alone. It was a fight and she had the right to get and remain angry at me. I wasn’t exactly free of guilt in any case.

I remember the last fight I had with my dad. It was regarding my marriage. The hall that was getting booked by Jasmine’s parents was under construction and they proposed another hall. My parents weren’t happy about it and this is when I wanted to put my foot down. During my sisters marriage also we took a hall that her in laws were not too happy about. We did not like that. And I reminded this to dad. It didn’t go down too well and we had a smallish argument or something. The next day I was leaving for Gujarat to resume work and mom and dad decided to drop me. We weren’t talking to each other still. Just as I got off, I said bye to mom and then… I thought about it and I said bye to dad as well. Bye dad. Bye. That was the conversation. I think as a father son relationship goes – that’s a truce reached. That was also my last interaction with him. I never met him after that. I can’t do anything about it but I was happy that in the end I had enough humility to eat my ego and say bye. That ended up as the last interaction. Who knew then?

So on Saturday as I was getting ready to sleep, suddenly from behind I get a huge hug and I feel Jispa. I smile. I was pretty upset till them. She said “Sorry Dad”. I said “Sorry Jispa, will try not to shout, but you also try not to shout back! It’s easier and quicker”. The I also told her, “forget anything else, its important that you came back and hugged me and brought this to closure. You canget angry. Its ok to get angry but you must always forgive and bring to closure. It’s a nice thing to do”.

I didn’t tell her about my closure with dad. I guess it was too much. It did cross my mind but I spared her the story… for now. Possibly sometime later….