Wake up Dandu

When we were growing up the standard reading diet for a teen was Archie Andrews. This was the ultimate American Dream being lived by all of us growing up. A place where you could date multiple girls and where boys and girls could wear their hearts on their sleeves and you had a hang out joint where you met friends had high sugar high fat stuff to eat and drink and generally hang out and a really cool school with a track and field team. When Karan Johar made the smash hit ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai” in (i think )- 1998, the first part of the story was a really cool set up  where the college was straight out of an Archie set up. he admitted to it as much. One protagonist with two women, each lady very different from the other. One was the tom boy who Archie really loved but did not know, the other was the bombshell who Archie desired but was not meant to really love. One boy straddling two women together at the same time and getting away with it. The ultimate urban love story.

In Archie it was Betty who wrote a diary regularly and it always started with Dear Diary. It brought about a personal recollection of stories and happening through the day as betty told her diary. Her diary was a living friend whom she spoke to, whom she fooled sometimes and used stories to explain her view. She never cried into the diary. The diary was always a fun friend to whom a lot can be spoken.

It had fired imagination of us kids and writing  diary was a cool thing to do but i don't think anyone had the patience and discipline to write in it everyday. I think i wrote one post or one rant or something. But nothing really much more than that.

I am reminded of that today as I write my post today and I was wondering that I never did write any blog addressing to my blog as Dear Blog. My blog has not been my friend or my confidant in that sense. It was been me talking to me, or a speech to someone or a chat with Jispa. Its not been a place where i share my intimate secrets or thought process. It is an open source of my learnings. Its a weird thing as compared to a diary.

Blogs came into fashion long ago and now are out of fashion. I think easier creative experiences and sharing of one’s woes, happiness and other emotions are easier on Facebook or Twitter. And to add  - it can be done with a simple photo of ones experiences through the day. Anywhere and everywhere. I think the rise of Facebook has been the demise of the blog. And more than even sharing - its the act of discovery that these social sites make easy. Easy if often equated with lazy and i resist the temptation of calling it lazy discovery. Every generation sees its next having a easy time over what it found a difficult thing to do. Its just easier and that is something they cant understand and hence the standard moniker is to call it lazy! Kids are so lazy these days and its all this new tech thats spoiling them! But I think its not the same thing. I think they may be getting more sedentary but that is different from lazy. They just do different things. Not that I support sedentary. It has its own share of issues to be tackled with. Sedentary activity causes really bad muscle behavior. Like - take the example of my nephew.

I joined pilates class for my back and to strengthen my core. I do my fair share of cardio with enough badminton through the week, but its the core thats getting missed out in the process. The back and tummy area that doesn't get enough attention. After joining here I realized that its also the shoulders and upper arms also that need attention. My legs have always been strong and muscular, its my upper body that needs works. And thanks to this i have seen myself toning up a bit. Its nice to have a slighter fitter 40 year body than what i had when I was 35. Stamina, strength and muscles are a complicated set of things, all acting in different directions. All must be taken care of.

So after joining here, I have been talking and trying to convince whoever I can about the benefits of this exercise. Once I had a chat with my nephew from Jasmine’s side of the family. I saw him putting on weight and a paunch to match. He was only in the 12th standard. The guy is complete slob. We call him ‘dandu’ after his surname “Dand”. So dandu was growing a tummy and had a real ugly body structure. A thin boy with an ugly paunch. I urged him to start some exercise. I told him about pilates and how I am loving it. His mom too wanted him o go and get some blood flowing. Dandu boy was a real sloth bear. All he would do was hibernate and vegetate. he would only be the champion in things that required him to do while sitting down. Jispa and me joke that this is an old Dand trait. They sit and relax, thats what they like to do. Eat fatty foods like cheese and milk and sit. Activity is lost on a Dandu. So when dandu agreed to come the next day morning I was surprised. Waking up was one battle and waking up to get blood flowing was another big death and rebirth. The next day he did wake up and come. Seeing him exercise has been an amazing experience. I cannot believe how a kid his age, who is not FAT can be so unfit. He cant touch his toes or even do basic stretches. He cant even basically imitate the actions of the instructor. He cant his basic leg exercises or stretch his legs. he definitely cont even do a plank let alone hold it for some time. He is a complete disaster.

I knew that was the last of him and he wasn't going to continue so i was surprised when i saw him in the next class. Then again - one more class… and again. He became regular!. It just been under a month since the boy has been coming but slowly he has started to like his class and he comes in by his own and wonder of wonder - his mom loves that he wakes up on his own at 6.30 am for 7 am class. WOW - thats an achievement of ‘dandunic’ proportions. Unthinkable.

So when i describe dandu and his horrible workouts to Jispa, we have a laugh. But overtime, i say that I also add - this boy has got my serious respect. He knows he is bad. He knows he is pathetic and he knows that in the end he can give up. But he still comes and still tries. He comes in at 7 am to push his body to impossibilities of a plank position. he wakes up on his own. Seriously he has my respect. So while he is absurdly funny while working out, he is still in my eyes worthy of respect of the highest order. I am bettering fitter than him. i have an incentive to wake up - rather an IMPERATIVE to wake up. i have to take Jispa to the swim lesson. Then i have another incentive - i have a bad back which i have to work on. Then i have always been fond of sports and work outs and I love exercise. None of these apply to Dandu. He has no such imperatives and yet he comes. He comes.

of course it early days yet. Hardly a month. But still within that I see no complains and no resistance. He is trying and its tough on him, but he smiles at the end and somehow he is enjoying it. Wow.

I think if by some slimmer of a chance if I reform one Dandu from the family and get him to move his butt, twice a week in the morning, that would be a magnificent achievement. Its going to go on my CV! Go dandu go. For God, For Country and for your double cheese burst pizza. Go.

Bonus - my instructor doing his stuff for youtube!

he wants to be have a six pack in a few months and a hand stand in 12 months. Amen to him!

brain wash?

This weekend Jispa went for a birthday party. It wasn't actually a party. Just a get together of close friends for some time out. Most of the time, when these girls get together, we parents wonder what they do behind closed doors. The door has to be closed with them in a room, when they are having a ‘party’. Whenever any adult opens the door, the only thing they see is that the girls are on mobile phones. Either they are together on one or they are on their own individual ones - but the point remains the same. They come together only to be in their own world. the parents go nuts on this.

I am beginning to understand this as a reality and that this will happen. There is no force as stronger than the mobile screen with an internet connection. This will rule and the kids will move in that direction. I wonder when we mean irritating parents will give Jispa a mobile phone. Currently at these parties she takes the iPod and does her thing on it. My individual opinion is that it must be allowed and how long can we really resist it. Soon we will lose sight of our daughters face and we will only recognize it by the mobile cover, whose back we will see at all times.

So yesterday, Jasmine at the dinner table remarked “yesterday, Jispa went for a birthday party. She did not have a gift or a greeting card or anything in her hand. She just went on her own”. I looked like i couldn't care less. I think parties and birthday greetings are a complete waste of everything! “then Jispa said” Jasmine continued “that she will post something to her on her birthday”. I was like fat chance. Jispa was not going to post any greeting card or anything. I am sure there is no way Jispa will mail a card to her friend or write a letter/ greeting. Then Jasmine and Jispa looked at me. POST does not mean POST as I understood it. Jispa would “POST” something on the Instagram feed! WTF. POST. I feel like a complete loser. Whats the point being a marketing head who claim to fame is digital integration, if he does not even understand what ‘POST’ signify. Sees.

Then then conversation soon moved to something else and Jispa was talking about what a ‘taaweez’ was. She said that basically its a prayer that you write and wear it on your body. Yes, muslims have this tradition of wearing a taaweez. I had seen a student of mine wear one around her hand. I think, I am not sure, but its a sufi kind of thing. Even non muslims wear this. then she asked even if ‘raksha potlis” have a prayer. Rakshapotlis are the jain version of the taaweez. They are red threads along which a little red cloth is tied. I never did know what they contained. Jispa asked if its a prayer. I said, for sure its not… I have opened one and it doesn't contain a prayer for sure. Its just little red cloth tied on a red string.

A quick online search tells me that it contains some holy ash (i didn't know jains had special reverence for fire) and that is put along with special chanting of prayers to the red cloth and then made into a rakshapotli. 

The I told her that as a kid, i really believed in the power of a rakhsapotli. I thought it would protect me and save me from a lot of things. I thought that it held special powers and that God would be on my side. She looked at me and remarked “you were such a brainwashed kid, weren't you”. Jasmine and me practically choked on our food. “Jispa you have no clue. We have purposely not taught you religion else you would have been brain washed ourselves. Its lucky for you that we have unwashed our head from all this brain wash.” Jispa disagreed. She said most of her friends in class are non believers and don’t believe in all this. I don't think the number is as high as 50%, but i grant her that. When i bought about he remark, I guess it possibly is true.  A lot more would be non believers today than what would have been when i was younger. Possibly today life is mare more practical and scientific. Slowly as we see economies growing and people getting educated with science and math, practicalities and scientific temper should pave the way for a less religion society. Its possibly a natural evolution. First as you are poor, you are too poor for religion. Then you are poor enough to understand religion and that some mystery will guide you. Then you become richer and you keep your kids rooted to religion and then as kids take their life’s predictability for granted they slowly understand that religion was not responsible for it and slowly - this mix of science and predictability brings about a non belief. So economic status brings about predictable life, which brings about change in belief. Thats one theory I guess.

So yes, we were brain washed as kids. I did believe in divinity and that it could help me someday over come the power of the forces around me. It took enough of shit and set back to understand that you are responsible for your own shit creek. The more you look inside of you, the better it will be for you. God may be an external force to focus upon and rely upon to make sense of a world . Fatalistic behavior may help you reconcile with your externalities but I don't think divinity helps. You decide your own path, your own morals and your own lines and boundaries. Hopefully you don't harm too many people along the way. As long as you only kill dogmas you should be good!

yo!

just as an aside - here is one trailer that we saw and now Jispa and us want to see the movie 

I love the trailer - with the voice of Kaa being the lead voice of the trailer. Wow… I am queuing up for this one.

Its a nice thing that Jispa like the super hero movies, like Avengers and X man. With new scripts and amazing special effects these are movies worth waiting for and watching on the big screen!

Finally!

links

This weekend i got an SOS from my niece. “JD we need to meet”.

I am amongst the youngest in my side of the family. Dad was i think around 11 years younger than his eldest brother and 7 from the number two. Mom was the second last of the 6 siblings. I turned out to be the last in my own family. So from both sides, there were only two siblings younger than me. One sis who was actually just a month younger and one sis who was a couple of years younger. Ahead of me was an entire army.

While I am not an expert of the Freudian theories of young experiences shaping adult life, I think my great desire to help everyone, teach everyone, coach everyone - seems to be stemming form this. 

I have always wondered why it gives me so much joy to teach, help, captain and coach. As a young kid i was bullied around quite a bit by my cousins. i was never taken seriously by brother and sister. I don't think they take me seriously even now. For them I was always a pesky guy doing all sorts of wrong things and embarrassing them. I thought I was pretty smart as a kid as well. I had a heightened sense of whats wrong and whats right. To add fuel to fire, i had a fearless disposition that wanted to stand up for what i believed in. the final nail in the coffin was the ability to argue. So now, I could argue forever what I believed in, irrespective of who you were. Your pedigree did not matter. So I was the argumentative idiot everyone did not want to talk to. Especially not siblings! they are not designed to understand they are wrong. Even more so when you don't have a diplomatic bone in you.

But that does not mean I could not think. i could think and i could understand, i just did not know how to put things across. How to explain, how to understand both points of view and how not to embarrass people. The big thing in an argument is to try and not get onto the other guys ego. Because once thats done, you will end up with a joker who refuses to see your opinion and whatever you say is nothing but an argument. 

So thats how i went through life growing up. As an underdog. I don't think things improved too much at work. I learnt how to handle people by trailing error and by getting my butt kicked. The big one also happened over a long period of time - teaching. Over the last 13 years I have been teaching in some form or the other in colleges. This keeps me engaged and more importantly I understand how to deal with really irritating and nasty kids! Kids are great, they have no obligation to like you or to listen to you. they don't want to listen to you. They are free to dream, free to think and free to hate you. Taking them along with you on your lectures, discussing, dreaming, firing imagination - its a tough job. On certain days I do a better job than others. One certain days - i am a drab. But at least I learn how to teach, to explain, to think.

I really like to help people by talking them, discussing issues with them and generally having a chat with them. At first when I realized I had adequate power that age and experience gave me, i tried solving every issue that people faced. Giving people quick fixes and solutions. One book “if you meet buddha on the road, shoot him” made me realize that I couldn’t solve issues. I couldn't give solutions that work, i can only explain my issues, my dreams and my learnings. I talk about what i see around me an hope that inspires others to see their issues in this new light.

So when my niece texted me and wanted to meet, I was ready. Of course I could help. Of all that i have helped in the past, i have felt that my own kin have not used me as much as they can or should. Now that i am older, the second generation is something that can use me. For them possibly, I am still young enough and old enough at the same time, or i dare say - cool enough.

After the conversation, I was telling Jasmine that, this is really stupid. Thanks to the shit in the family politics we cousins never did come close. On both sides - the cousins just drifted apart. We hardly had any social interactions when we grew up. We basically did not even know the others even existed. the second generation was lost on us completely. Jispa would not even know 50% of her second cousins.

To grow you cant live in a vacuum. You need social structures and fabric to hold you. You need them to refer you to their networks and create a net that works to your advantage. this niece also managed to reach out to me for a marketing problem because I was know well to her elder sister. Her elder sister would go to college in the same train that I would use to go to work. Thats where our friendship grew. She then became a dentist and we stayed in touch. 

Also came the Facebook effect. I post regularly on FB when we travel and on and off otherwise. This also helps me be in touch with the second gen. These loose connections with the kids keeps the connections alive. 

I wish we had tighter connections with the cousins. I wish our parents, even if they fought with each other, kept the connections with the kids alive. I wish we met more often, stayed with each other more often and grew up together. This is an essential social fabric that must not be compromised. It can create magic.

Its funny that I preach this. When was younger, it was cool not to bother about relations. It was cool to dis them and to not go to functions. there is some truth about functions. Relations are about everyday small interactions, not just simply marriage function presence for people you don't even know or care about. If we simply had smaller tighter relations with a higher frequency we would have been able to have different equations with our cousins.

I think here Facebook and Whatsapp plays a very good role. It allows us to have a long list of weak connections that are emotionally connected thanks to the pictures or jokes or groups that we are a part of. this may not help as much as building connections but makes the invisible walls easier to scale. So no matter what people talk about it and criticize it, these social networks being there online have changed things and they are here to stay. So tighten up and embrace them, and use them to further your old school ties and keep them connected.

Till then i get great pleasure in meeting my young nieces and nephews and talking to them, learning from them and them from me. What more could i ask for? - well More of the same!

Firework!

Joining a start up has so far been the craziest experiences I have experienced in a long time. The energy and the pressure is real and everyday. It attacks you and forces you to push hard. It left me no time at all to do anything. Days have been long and arduous. I have been working on 12 hour days with my brain working overtime. I have had a crazy experience. This time I have been able to use all my old man experience to do everything that i wanted to do. Push sales, drive marketing, put structures, change stuff, mentor people, and …. fundamentally use all the experience that i have to push the business. no complains. But the poor blog suffers and that is something i get hurt on. After writing this for so long, I have a deep emotional attachment to this blog. besides help me pass on something to Jispa, i think this blog has fundamentally changed me, helped me think, helped me distill my thoughts and i think this bit of writing has changed me forever. It funny how just the simple task of writing regularly helps a person think. It has also helped me capture some beautiful moments in parenting Jispa.

Like this new one. Ever since Jispa grew a little bit till she decided she wanted to wear shorts and shorts and some more shorts. It took a lot of issue raking from us to get her to adopt jeans. At least a couple of jeans in her wardrobe. Its not that we are too prude but Jispa’s shorts are a little bigger than her swimming costume. Its nice that she is comfortable in them but she just cant wear them everywhere. Once in school when there was casual day, she wore her shorts and the teacher got her to borrow a skirt or something from a friend and she had to change into them. Lets say there is a movie to go to, shorts don't work as its going o be cold there. And then there are places that i don't want her to be going wearing shorts, simple. So jeans have to be there in your wardrobe.

If trousers area  big issue then dresses have been a complete no no for quite a few years now. She will not wear a dress, ever. No matter which party, which occasion or whatever the need. She had a no dress wear policy. I have tried to buy her a dress for some occasion or the other but it has largely failed. We simply gave up thinking that our kid was a tom boy. There is no way in hell that she will buy or wear a dress. Give up. Simple. Jasmine and I used joke that we wanted a girl so that we could dress her up and see her dressed up, all girlie with a dress and some earrings, clips, etc… We joked about how stupid we were and how silly our views and dreams were. Reality is so different.

But when you are the parents of a growing girl, you should be ready for almost anything. Anything can change and anything is possible. This weekend, in the sale season, we went shopping for - believe or not - dresses! Oh man WTF. I was so confused. What happened to my baby. Why would she want a dress? Jasmine explained that now in many parties and in many places the dress code is now a dress and she has to wear a dress many times, and hence the transformation. There was one party (an informal one) of a close friend where they just simply went on their own to Starbucks. we have known that family since Jispa was three years old. The mother of the birthday girl insisted that Jispa wear a dress and see gave her a dress to wear from the friends wardrobe. Needless to add - she looked pretty and everyone else loved it and commented on it. I think that was the turning point. I am not so sure if Jispa sees it that way or admits as much, but that to us was the point.

So now we went shopping for dresses. Its not easy for a swimmer to get a dress that suits her. Jispa has broad shoulders and the girls clothing are not designed for some one with a broad shoulder, muscular hands and a flat stomach. Its designed for podgy girlies. So Jispa has a little difficult time buying a dress. She needs them a little tight at the waist but a little loose at the shoulders. Her sleeveless ones work but they make her look really muscular! Wow. She is also a swimmer. She is comfortable in a swimming costume and hence she is comfortable in short dresses as well. So a little long dress is not what she likes for now.

So we shopped and shopped. One thing i remember as a child was not having enough money to go shopping for clothes. I couldn't buy what I wanted and liked. I don't want that for Jispa. Her dad has managed at least that much money that she can go shopping, at reasonable places, and definitely when a sale is on. Just one thing i remarked to Jasmine when we were shopping and had us in splits "first she wants to buy a dress and then she rejects half the designs  because they are too dressey"

So this weekend, wonder of wonders, we bought three dresses, and then i realized that how expensive my dreams of a girl could get. After we bought the dresses, we had to buy matching footwear. She cane wearing chapels on dresses. So we went and bought a black and a beige pair of shoes to match her dresses. luckily i think she can get away by wearing Jasmine’s accessories and raiding that drawer. Jasmine and Jispa keep fighting when Jispa uses Jasmine’s stuff. I am sure Jasmine wants to share he stuff with Jispa but i suspect its limited to what all she can use but in the end she must take care and put it back. Its going to be an uneasy relationship. I think i must budget for an accessory drawer for Jispa alone. Then only will peace prevail in the Doshi household.

And this video form a song that I learnt from Jispa best exemplifies whats happening in a teenagers mind. From Kate Perry’s album named (oh god) “teenage dream” is  among called Firework. It says - ‘baby you are a firework!’ . See the video and you get whats going on in a young teen’s head.

life made me a sceptic

I am reading a book about the Mossad. The Mossad is the legendary secret service arm of the Israli government. When I grew up I heard stories about it. About how it would carry out assignments in secrecy and often in foreign countries. They would assassinate foreign rivals and bring terrorists back from their lair. It is often considered amongst the best in the world.

When I was younger I wanted to join the armed forces and serve my ‘motherland’. I almost scoff at the prospect of doing that today. What luck. Today I quite aware of my duties as a citizen of my country but I am very clear as to the level of jingoism that I am willing to imbibe in myself as a civilian. With the current safforan wave running through the country with a right wing nationalist at the helm of affairs, the junta or more popularly known as ‘bhakts’ are doing enough in their power to piss of secularists like me. In fact the secularists are going crazy and leaning far left or wherever they can rest their tired shoulders. They are doing such a bad job of it that they are almost comical and to be  a secularist today is to be labelled as unpatriotic and definitely unpopular.

I as always try to keep my political leanings to myself. What I love is that many interesting publications are coming up online and they have very very interesting views. Of course every publication is being labelled right wing or left or anti modi or anything that you would want to label them as they oppose your point of view. I don’t care about their labels and I read all of them online. Whatever great article comes in, I want to read it and take it on face value. It doesn’t make sense to think too much about it. So at a party I only talk about the lovely long form content that’s coming up online and the amazing tie I have reading about views and counter views form very articulate and ‘knowledgeable’ writers.

So neither right nor left nor centre enthuses me much but they definitely enthral me. I love their posturing and positioning and the way they twist and turn to fit into a mould that works for them. In all of this the sceptic in me is very clear. I am sceptical of all you jokers. Scepticism is what makes me level headed and clear and I see the propaganda for it is – just propaganda. In fact this year again, Jispa had to write an essay for the HT competition and this times topic was ‘what is the one thing she cannot live without’. She made a list of things, including freedom, selflessness etc… one word among her list was interesting – it was scepticism. She was wondering about it and I liked it. It made perfect sense. I sat with her and helped her write her essay. But these days with the new job, I am home pretty late, so this time I had no patience to help her frame it and I ended up doing exactly what I was not supposed to do. I ended up writing a lot of it myself. My only saving grace is that she came up with the topic herself. But it was clearly not the right thing to do – but it was the fastest way to do it and I capitulated. Bah!

So I am sceptical of everything these days.  And when I read the book on Mossad, I was sceptical as hell. In fact, funnily I was repulsed by them. Far from being inspired. Any way I look at it, it smacks of state sponsored terrorism. They went after the Nazis who escaped, well after the war was over and the debts paid. People were building a united Europe and people were moving on with their lives. The Mossad went after those who escaped, brought some of them back to face trial and some – some of them were executed in cold blood. They went after many terrorists fighting against Israel. They kept the Palestine people under their thumb and were very clear about their objectives… we are there for the Jews all over the world. For the cause of Jews world over! Under management principals – their core purpose is something I will put on a slide. A simple mission so purposefully executed. It’s the right thing to do. But the sceptic in me sees something else – it sees a power that is extra judicial. It sees that their means to their purpose is so wrong. The framing of their purpose is wrong. It should be peace to the world in which the Jews live in. Co-existence and peace is not their mission. Jew welfare at all cost in many ways seems to be their goal.

I know that it easy to preach peace to a country surrounded by enemies waiting for a sign of weakness. They are surrounded by people who want them out, who want to annihilate them. But still – everlasting peace is possibly built on the premise of forgiveness and what’s good for the world at large.

Those supporting the Mossad will say that their presence and their work contributes to the peace and the reservation of unbridled aggression from their neighbours. Their presence in many ways is required and they have contributed to thwarting wars – but still – I am a sceptic - after reading about them, I am sorry – I am not impressed. They are nothing but a terrorist organisation with state funding. In the long run, it will contribute to more shit hitting the roof and greater bad. Not good.

When I start questioning the Mossad, it time to acknowledge that I am complete turncoat, from a guy who wanted to join the army to someone who questions people’s patriotic credentials, I have turned a complete 180 degrees. Life does that to you. It did that to me. I think I am wiser for it, happier for it.

to the point

My CV is weird. I have had a long stint in one firm and lots of small stints in many firms. So looking at the CV its impossible to know if i am a long term player or a short term player. My last stint was 11 years in one company. It of course helped that the firm kept giving me new challenges and businesses with which to work on. But in the end leaving it was not a hard decision but an emotional one. Not so much on the firm but on the people and the team i left behind. I miss them the most. Then I joined a firm and did exactly what I did 11 years ago. Left it in a span of three months. Left it.

I don't know if i am fickle or if I am decisive. To me if the firm is not working out and the place is a sham then its best to leave as soon as possible. If you know that the culture is not going to work or that the growth is not what you wanted and the long term prospects aren't what they seemed to be then one must leave fast. Whats the point in wasting time. So when I see that this is not what i wanted to do to start with, its time to leave. 

I see that as decisive. Its not a change of heart, its a clarity of thought.

So now I am with a new firm and being really busy trying to solve new issues and learning a lot, doing a lot. So far so good. 

wake up - your journey is calling you

In the hero’s journey, the hero is reluctant to do something new that is unfamiliar. There is a call to action whichteh Hero denies. then afters me consideration or an external force or event pulls him into the journey where he is ready for something new and exciting. He lets go of the old and the is ready to embrace the new. He is faced with numerous tasks or obstacles that he must over come in order to reach his goal. He meets people who help him as well as distract him. He carries on - till a point comes where he there is a trial by fire. he must be ready to die in order to faceted ultimate truth… the ultimate sacrifice is needed for the ultimate elixir. but then that is just half the story. the hero once achieved his goal is lost in the magical world. He then needs to come back and face the real life. He is assisted by others in his return and finally when he does return, he needs to spread the wisdom he learnt amongst others to give back to society and complete is journey as the hero. that is the Hero’s journey - the mono myth. 

This blog in many ways is about the various journeys that Jispa undertakes, in her quest to grow up and the journey we as parents take as a part of the same process. When i Started the blog one of the entries was Jispa getting to sleep by herself in the new home. To give her strength there were Ganapati’s stationed to help he along her journey and help her complete it. You can read the blog here… http://jaimit.blogspot.in/2006/11/heros-journey.html.

Then there are many blogs that celebrate her journey but this sleeping on her own is one recurring journey that refuses to end itself. She loves sleeping in the same room with us and she will do any ruse to achieve it. As she has grown up she has woken us many times in the night on some pretext or the other. In the middle she would try any trick to come and snuggle up and sleep beside me. But slowly these got lesser in frequency. But whenever thanks to the heat when we did get the AC running, we would get Jispa’s bed in and get her to sleep in the same room. It was good old middle class mentality of saving electricity, rather than having to switch both the air conditioners of the home. When ever this happens she like a tiger who has tasted blood will then try every ruse to stay sleeping in the room, even when there is no need of the AC. The last few days, she tried coming back to sleep inside our room again. She requested, she complains, she makes bunny eyes, whatever. We are heartless parents who are immune to the task.

A couple of days back she came in the middle of the night and woke me up by poking me in the back. What the hell… i got up and semi scolded her. That hurt, Jispa. She wasn't getting sleep. i shooed her away. go back and try and sleep. You stay in bed and you will get sleep. There was nothing I could do. the next evening also she came in before going to bed saying she wanted to sleep with us. Oh god Jispa, Go away. Shoooo….

So she went away and suddenly in the middle of the night when i turn around - lo and behold… Jispa is sleeping next to me. The bed we have is not a king size bed. It can take in three of us and Jispa is a 90% adult size person. This doesn't work. So i wake her up and tell her to go. She is now old enough to simply refuse. I am too tired to wake her up and insist so i get back to sleep again. But my sleep is now disturbed especially since i cant get much space to move around. So i wake up again in some time and this time insist that she goes back. She just flatly refuses and says that she will sleep in the corner and take less space but she is not going back. Oh dear. This she knows is an old weak spot of mine. I dont really like sending her away when she comes in the night. In the past as well, she would always wake me up when she knew i was likely to just simply tell her to get in the bed beside me. That was the time, she wouldn't go to mom but strategically come around and tell me.

Next day I asked Jasmine if she knew Jispa was sleeping with us. Jasmine said that she realised only in the morning when she woke up. But Jispa did come in the night to tell her she wasn't getting sleep and Jasmine promptly shooed her away. Then i asked Jispa if she tried waking me. She just tried a little and then promptly decided to simply sleep next to me. She did not remember refusing to go away.

There goes the journey and there goes the hero. This is the case of the hero just coming back and deciding to go through the same circle again and again. Kaun hero and kaun journey? She is obviously having a fun time.

monomyths. journeys, theories like these are amazing glamourised versions of what really happens. in real life the hero does not even having armour, forget it being shiny, its a scrappy fight in a mud pond with a pig and then once he comes out there is an ocean waiting fluff sharks and then on and on. Nothing really ends. There are innumerable fights and scraps to be involved in.  So many times you look back and see - the same story plays itself over and over again. Inspite of the thought that you have had that this is now done and dusted - never again you say; but life will keep serving the same dish back to you …

These theories are in a way inspirational. As Jispa once answered about the Pandora’s box. Hope is something that Jupiter purposely put along with suffering. Suffering is real and the ultimate answer to suffering is simply death. but hope keeps us alive and willing to undergo suffering over and over again. These stories are about hope and suffering. you undergo suffering knowing that there is hope, that you are simply in a hero’s journey. that you will face failure and face rehjection, dejection and defeat. But redemption is simply a corner away. It inspires you to do more with what you have and to achieve more in the hope of coming out from a cycle, alive and wise. The hope that you don’t have to go trough it again. 

bus yehi lahani hai… the wise people go through life, get lucky, get rich and sprout gyan. Then the lesser mortals just simply listen and hope that there is a way out of their own miserable lives, not knowing that the spouters of gyan are living in many ways live miserable lives themselves. But we want that misery, not ours. It is the misery of the haves and not of the have nots.

Hah! So thats the circle of life. I love the theory of the Hero. it is easily amongst my favourite theories. it makes sense and it gives inspiration and hope. It allows for a glorious struggle in all walks of lives. It tells you that whether you like it or not, whether you are willing or not, you live have a journey. Your everyday struggles are nothing but journeys in which you are the hero in which you have to go about the process of failing and rising again - till you come out of the cycle and spread the message to the others and help them in their journeys. it just so much meaning in what you do everyday. Including waking up your dad in the middle of the night by poking him in the back and giving him no place to sleep. Thats the most meaningful thing a kid could ever do to a dad who wakes up at 5am. Thats a journey of his herohood.

war holiday

So the fight between a super hero and world war wages our house as we order the movies to see over the weekend. Jispa never saw the X men with me and now we have to see the Xmen series all over again. I now try to watch all the movies that I wanted to, especially if its gotta do with world war. I love the movies set in the backdrop of the world wars, and the ones that were made in the 60s and 70s were nice enough for me to watch with Jispa. So we got two movies over the weekend. We were to see mine first but then Jispa comes to me saying - lets see the X men first and then I could see mine when she would be doing her home work on Sunday morning.

I was like - why - why would you not want to see the movie. She answers that she has seen enough of war movies. Which ones had she seen, to start with. She described a couple that we have seen over the last two years! Oh damn you. but you enjoyed them, did you. 

well she won and i gave in. We started watching the X men which i had already seen but, i was ok watching it again. Twice is not a bad thing. This was X Men - the final stand.

Since we started the movie early on Saturday evening, we had the chance to catch my movie as well. This was ‘the great escape’. the movie released in 1963 was about Prisoners of war trying to escape a camp they were housed in. It was based on a true story set in 1944. Wow. The prisoners actually dug three holes and finally used one to escape from the camp. Without giving too much away, I loved the bold audacious target of the prisoners of trying to get 250 of themselves to escape. Jasper eventually sat through the movie and enjoyed it. As usual she asked me a few questions through the movie. She never just learns. Every time she doesn't want to see the movie with me and then she will end up liking it. I know her choice of movies and I know she will end up liking it in the end, but she just likes to act up. 

I am sucker for war movies and in them world war II holds a special interest. I am quite amazed that as boys we should have loved the world wars and the all the excitement and interesting history around it but it was taught so badly in school with the text books being a complete sham. I only remember learning by rote the salient features of each of the world wars. Such a wasted opportunity. No real discussion on the wars, the factors that led to them, the aftermath, the politics, the huge development in science and warfare in general, the human suffering on colossal proportions and everything else that went with it. To my mind - the world wars by themselves left such an important mark on humanity as far as contemporary history is concerned, they alone are enough for one full year of history, allowing for ample discussions on it.

For me WWII is far more interesting than WWI. I hardly know anything about WWI but i have read a fair bit about WWII.

Someday when I am older and retired and rich, my ideal holiday would be following the WWII battle field around the world. Staring from Germany to move to France and the Maginot line, going then to Paris, going to Austria and then moving to Stalingrad and then to the battle fields of Egypt, then to Italy, back to London and then on to Moscow, moving to Japan and then coming back home closer to Imphal. One long huge vacation. It will take one year of history reading and one year of researching the places and then atlas 90 days of travelling. It will include modern towns and villages, the beautiful Eagles nest built as getaway for HItler to Auschwitz  concentration camps, to the sand dunes where Rommel fought, the Suez canal, the beautiful city of Paris that the last Nazi commander of the city, Dietrich Hugo Hermann von Choltitz supposedly refused to burn on Hitler’s order. This can be a really beautiful retirement gift to myself.

If I do retire that is. By birth I am a vaniya  which in other words is a banya.. which when added to my gujjuness will ensure that I never retire. I have to earn money all the time. My time is what I have and from that I have to profit. So retiring and seeing the world wont work. I have to get a jackpot and from that I have to do this trip and from then I have to get back to work. The idea is to save up a lot of money so that I can do this trip. Jasmine is not into history but to her credit she has no issues coming with me and figuring her bit. She is happy to come and listen or not… understand the significance or not… She enjoys the moment, the lesson, the story.. only to then let it pass by as if it were nothing. But this would be a fun 90 day trip. Minimum 90 days!

Grace

It is not possible to know the impact that a book may have on you in advance of you reading it. thats common sense. But i think its also impossible for you to estimate the impact of the book after you have read it. Its impossible. There are so many books that work in mysterious ways over your life. they sometimes just plant a small seed in your head that grows slowly. Very slowly. Then it plants itself in there and then another book comes along, another article perhaps, some life experiences, someone speaking, something… and the tree begins to take root. Then it starts questioning everything else you know or believed to be true.

So many people believe that I am a teacher. I teach and I give so much to people around me. I am constantly trying to teach, explain my experiences and make people understand. They think i teach to give back. Surely thats also what I thought when I started. Teach to give back to people. to the community, to the colleagues, to society blah blah. But today, i seriously doubt that premise. I dont think I teach because I am giving back. I think I teach because I enjoy getting far more than anything else.

Since 13 years I have been teaching in colleges. It has been an enriching experience. Of course it keeps me in some little way connected to the youth but more importantly thanks to teaching, i have been able to teach myself a lot of things. I like to teach a few things that over a period of time, i have known to have the maximum impact. These have become clear in my head as I taught them over and over again. So much so that when i first started out I needed the powerpoint slide as an aid to teach them, and now i know them from the back of my head. This helps me apply them in many ways. If you know the concept well enough, you can apply it many ways. This is a self fulfilling prophesy. Plus when I teach I automatically bring in some element of a book that i have recently read and the impact it has had on me. This i realised later is something that i do and it helps me understand the book even better. So i end up teaching all the time.

I can teach to anyone anywhere in whatever circumstances. I like teaching to any age group. In fact this pursuit of knowledge by giving it to start with (called teaching in normal parlance) has become my standard talking style. So general opinion ranting conversations become quite boring for me and i quickly turn off. So i start connecting only with a certain type of people. these are those who are equally in thirst of knowledge. Some, who are rapt listeners and ask questions from what I teach and some who build on where I talk and further enrich the conversation. These are the only two people I can have a conversation with for a long time. I love the guys who ask tough questions and push the bar on what i know. this helps me further clarify what i am thinking and help me further understand it. I am understanding the topic in its depth as I talk about it.

Most the time such conversations come from a book or a set of books that I have read and then they help me in understanding the concepts better. Then as I understand them, they form bigger opinions in my head and then they feed it in growing the tree. So a book might have a limited impact at the time but then the knowledge you realise is getting used a lot more, a lot of times and then you realise how important the knowledge is and how it affects your thinking. Way after you have read the book.

A weird series of books I read, in no particular order, made me a cynic of colossal proportions. As a kid I was a complete nationalist. I believed in the power of the Indian race. That we are Indians and we deserve to rule the world. I would stand for the national anthem when it was played on TV. I wanted to join the army and fight wars. I dreamt of fighting wars with our neighbours and i dreamt of global conquest. I think i was even enamoured by Hitler (only briefly I think). Of course i grew up not to respect Hitler, but my nationalist tendencies did not wane. Till a long time I knew that our great nation is … great! and that our mother country is well… our mother! Over a period of time i learnt that along with religion, the concept of nationhood is also a deeply flawed man made construct. People were divided on their nationalities and I rejected this distinction as a source of pride. I began to understand that things are not always what they seem and politicians can play a lot of games on their people to stay in power.

Then when I began talking about it, i realised which books helped me form that opinion. Of course everyone can definitely question the authenticity of the books, but then thats exactly the point - question the authenticity of everything you read or hear. The books I read impacted me in more ways than i thought was possible. From a loyal believer to a confirmed cynic. The book - confessions of an economic hit man and the second part that followed made me realise that yes possibly the big one sin power can convince people on a certain type of path of development that is beneficial to the big ones. Oil companies can work in huge monopolistic ways. Money can influence people to change their path of development and media can be manipulated to great effect. Even economists can be manipulated thus. So don't believe whatever you hear from the experts. Everybody has a vested interest.

Then I read about India and the excesses a democratic nation can inflict upon its people. I read - the case of the attack on the Indian Parliament. the indian parliament was illegally attacked while in session by terrorists and while all were shot, the result was an amassing on the border of a large number of military forces in a show of strength to go to war. Two nuclear nations were facing off. WTF. That doesn't make sense. The book brings case after case that possibly the whole attack was engineered by the government just as a ruse to amass troops and send the nation into a tizzy to build up patriotic fervour. The main reason - to win the nest election. The government had come into power after winning a war in Kargil and this was to be an encore. Wow. what a theory. Then i read about Kashmir - a lovely book called Curfewed nights by Bashrat Peer, about his growing up in Kashmir. Then about the naxal movement in a book called Hello Bastar and then another on kashmir called, until my freedom has come. this told me about the state of kashmir and how the government doesn't want us to know of so many things that happened there, in a bid to subjugate the people there. People in Kashmir dont see themselves as Indian or Pakistanis, they see themselves as Kashmiris and both the countries are trying their best to kill this independent feelings. Then i read another book that spoke about the feelings that Kashmiri Pandits have about Kashmir. This was a book called ‘our moon has blood clots’. This is an alternate view from Bashrat. 

These books come up many times in conversations and in my mind. It has helped me question everything. everything is simply a state of a mind looking at it. I have argued that reality is completely subjective. No one knows the truth, everything is merely an observation form a frame of reference. I never knew these books would impact so many thoughts of mine and the conversations i would have. With the state of world in constant turmoil, these conversations have increased. Right now in India we have a right wing government. So naturally there are skirmishes led by the far right and seculars are obviously appalled! there is a polarisation in the country between those who believe in our prime minister and those who completely question him. Its a fight between the bhakts and the disbelievers who end up trolling each other. In absence of a credible option to the right wing leader, the disbelievers have no option but to question everything without giving a viable alternative. This is great fun to a cynic like me. I see the jokes on all sides and enjoy the fun. I don't care either way. I did not vote! I don’t care.

to all the books that i have listed above, i want to add that i understood a lot about rightwing governments from the writings of Micheal Moore, a guy who really hated Bush and the Republicans who came into power in the US. He kept questioning all that they did. It was good fun. Then the book “rise of the third Reich “ about the rise of the Nazi party further explained how propaganda and nationalist fervour can be utilised by the politicians.

Wow. these books in some way together have helped me become a cynic. there rae many other books that have also helped - such ‘A real toy story’ about the market for children toys and “sugar, salt, fat” about food producers. Add to all this a book about Jainism and the conversations i have had with other Jains from that knowledge. Wow the formula works, the conversion is complete - i don't believe in anything anymore.

Its easy to be caught up in favour around you. Recently there were terror attacks in Paris. Now France has joined the bunch of western powers in bombing Syria against the rise of the islamic Nation group. Makes me question everything, especially the response. We keep killing each other. When a terrorist group strikes - their objective is to spread fear and terror. They want you to stop going to work, to stop partying, to stop roaming, to stop sightseeing, to stop you from spending and to stop your leisure. they want you to be miserable, cooped inside your homes. they want as much media coverage as they can get and the nation to be outraged. they want you to come after them and make them martyrs so that more such can be born for the seeds of hate. This is exactly what we give them. We get scared and give them media headlines and make a huge story out of it. The greatest response to something like this would be to have everything function just as normally as it would. Nothing must change, concerts must go on, matches must be scheduled and parties must be enjoyed. There is no disrespect to those died by having a partying soon after. In fact that is the ultimate tribute to the person who just got shot in the attack. This way you tell the perpetrator that I will not change by your behaviour. I will do what i think is right. If France was not taking a larger part in the attacks against the IS then this terror attack should not change its stance. Why should it. principals must be so driven by recent turn of events, no matter how powerful they may be. So now I wonder about these attacks.

In the face of attacks on violence can people show some grace? Its a very easy thing to say and a difficult thing to accomplish. Who can forgive whom and under what circumstances. If shit get thrown at you its almost impossible not to attack back. But how can you show grace is something we have to figure. Its a very weird stand that i take. the attacker must be stopped, if possible by using force, and after he must face the law - if it is to be hanged then that is it. But when we do carry out our actions in response to the attacker, can we show grace. Can we not hold our hearts with revenge and scream out for his blood. Can we merely follow the law but keep our hearts clean from revenge and further prejudice.

Recently I read about the Charleston killing where a young white boy entered a black church and killed nine people. He wanted to ignite a race war. The lovely bit came when one of the victims’s sister on the stand publicly forgave him. This prompted some others to forgive as well. It moved some people and some were outraged by it. Which really begs the question who is allowed to forgive whom. these are extremely tough issues and questions. When it happens to me will I show Grace? Grace that is genuine and that is real heart felt. Grace because I feel it from inside and not because I SHOULD feel it. 

its funny but this grace comes from a branch of cynicism, knowing that nothing is black and white. no one is really right or wrong. Selfishness is in moving on, staying true to your course and managing it in a way that is in the end simpler for all. Revenge is a strong and dirty motive. It leads possibly no where. Only only a cynic can be cynical about revenge as well. I cynical about everything. Everything is grey… i see it in forms and structures that are morphing all the time as you take a round of it and see it from different angles. It is so difficult to describe. truth is so difficult to describe. So difficult that the only way to describe truth as i see it is simply to say - I don't know.

Such cynicism helped me abort nationality and religion as my guiding factors. As i was reading more about the killings i came across the work of Viktor Emil Frankl who wrote the book ‘mans search for meaning’. he survived the Nazi holocaust and wrote about it, observing that some survived and some didn’t. Some fought and turned on each other and some retained their compassion in the face of the most adversity that has been unleashed on man.

I quote from a summary i found online

“Although most succumbed in some measure to the general apathy and irritability, there were persons who displayed compassion, comforting others and even giving away their last piece of bread. Frankl suggests that the kind of prisoner one becomes depends on some inner decision, not on environmental conditions alone. There is a last human freedom, available in even the most deprived conditions: the freedom to choose one’s attitude toward one’s suffering”

http://www.enotes.com/topics/mans-search-for-meaning

If suffering is real and an inescapable part of life - I still have my freedom left in me. the freedom to choose what i choose to believe in. that belief is mine alone. So whenever I ruminate on whether I am doing Jispa a favour or a disfavour by not putting religion or nationality in her head, i think i must remember this - I am in essence teaching her to choose her attitude. one that is rooted in her own belief, that come about from a broad range of thought and teachings and experiences. One that is hers alone. Giving her the Freedom to choose her own attitude to the environment is possibly the greatest freedom she could ever get.

So when people ask me - suggest a good book to read. What can I say? Which one book has had an impact on me? Can one book really have that much of an impact? then you are probably reading too few or chasing rainbows or worse still - too dumb to really understand what books are meant to do.

Its not easy to get knowledge or information. Rather its very easy to get it - one just has to be receptive towards it. One has to think about it and take it in all the time. No one book condenses all the world’s knowledge. You need a multitude of them. Here is the parable of Jesus

The Parable of the Sower

4 Again Jesus began to teach by the lake. The crowd that gathered around him was so large that he got into a boat and sat in it out on the lake, while all the people were along the shore at the water’s edge. 2 He taught them many things by parables, and in his teaching said: 3 “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

9 Then Jesus said, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

10 When he was alone, the Twelve and the others around him asked him about the parables. 11 He told them, “The secret of the kingdom of God has been given to you. But to those on the outside everything is said in parables 12 so that,

“‘they may be ever seeing but never perceiving,

    and ever hearing but never understanding;

otherwise they might turn and be forgiven!’[a]”

13 Then Jesus said to them, “Don’t you understand this parable? How then will you understand any parable? 14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

I can teach anything, from whatever I know. Sometimes what people just want one interesting book or one interesting thing. then they promptly trow it away. they don't read the book I give them. No one reads. they all pretend or want to… but they don’t. Hence i stopped giving books. If you want knowledge, you have to want it enough to buy it yourself. Some take it, read a book or two or apply that knowledge in some half baked way only to throw it away at the first chance they get. It never did take root in their brains. I have seen this happen the moment i leave a job, the team is broken up and some remember what made the ir work successful and some just simply give it up and let go of the fact that made their thinking clear. It was never rooted. It may have been enthusiastic but never rooted. Only those who took the seed into the soil, nurtured it with their own thinking, asked questions, read more and more, applied it in many places and built their own tree took it to heart. they aske door books to read and decided on reading it themselves or buying other books. they came back with more recommendations and more reading lists of their own. knowledge got spread.

These last people enriched me a lot more than the others. IN way all were enriching because even talking to a rock would help you clear your min, but the others questioned and belief can only be strengthened by erudite questioning. 

In the face of this i wonder why some people don't share as much as they can. Share, only by sharing will you learn, will you be abel to push the boundaries of whats possible and whats not, of your own knowledge and imagination. You will learn from yourself and from your own mind. you also do not know what your mind is capable of and what it stores. After all these books who knew what i would pull out. Only by talking to people and feeling eh environment around me in the wake of the book that i am able to understand what the books are about. What the knowledge is about.

another Jesus quote: “Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don’t you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear.”

So give up, get back and try to show some grace. I am trying. I understand it may not be easy to forgive but it is definitely not to tough not to hate.

Bonus: here is President Obama after the Charleston killings singing Grace. Amazing Grace.

A big inspiration for a lot of the work written here on the Charleston killings.

http://time.com/time-magazine-charleston-shooting-cover-story/

clever? No. Clear.

i think the single best innovation that has happened from the time i was in college to now, for a young guy is simple - the availability of coffee shops. Simple affordable coffee shops that are open for just hanging around. When Jasmine and me were going around, the single biggest issue overtime was - khan jay. Where to go? Right from 91 till 00, the big question was where to go to get some private conversation going. Where do two love birds go for sitting and staring into each others eyes. Where do they hang out, by themselves or with their friends, where do they while away the most part of the day. 

Jasmine and me used to try and be with each other all the time when in college. The problem was simple - we could be in college till a point of time - after that where could we go? Where to go for some privacy, some conversation, or simply to just hang out and chill. Where? Often we would search for new places - a garden perhaps (yuck), some restaurant but they would want you to leave after eating and finally the movies. Movies at least gave you 2 hours of together time, but cant really talk and know each other in a movie theatre,; you are merely spending time with each other, not ‘knowing’ each other!

We ended up seeing a lot of movies with each other. It was the best of times and watching movies wit each other has given us the most amount of joy. of course i was perpetually broke and we had to rely on Jasmine’s tuition fees to keep the romance funded! There is no cheap place for romance.

So when i saw the first coffee shop open in India, it was well after my marriage. It was in the year 2001 i think where i first experienced the coffee shop in the form of Barista. It opened its outlet near Sterling at VT. I clearly remember my first time there. We had gone with jasmine and a friend. I also remember ordering a cappuccino which i thought was awesome and a great drink. I remember enjoying it and thinking that this is a great concept. And the fact that one could simply spend hours at the place simply enjoying the coffee and the experience. Th idea of working from a  coffee shop, meeting at a coffee shop, talking at a coffee shop. I remember ruing the most - the fact that these things were not available to me while growing up with Jasmine.

But still, i am not complaining too much. First we used to sit often at the Barista outlets. Even as a married couple - one of things you need the most is spending quality time with each other. The ability to spend time talking, reading and discussing things is good but most important feature is the change of environment. With Jasmine sitting at home the most part of the day, it was a welcome change of routine and scenery when I got home late evening. this was after Jipsa was born and things got sour at home with mom and Jasmine. Mom and Jasmine would not know how to get along and Jasmine would be dying to get out. So we would take Jispa and go out for a walk and invariably land up at the Cafe Coffee Day outlet near our house. V-inu was also staying in Matunga at the time and so he too would join in. At one time our third friend from college days, Dinesh was back from Paraguay and so all four of us would step out for a coffee with Jispa in tow. The coffee shop gave us an environment to escape from it all and give us a chance to just simply hangout. I remember it being the best of times. It gave us immense joy.

Barista has long faded away - i dont know if its still in operation… Cafe Coffee day is there but somehow the quality doesn't stick and then we briefly tried the Costa but now Starbucks for some reason is winning hands down. I love this place. I have no clue why. I come often to just hang out at Starbucks. In my last job there was a Starbucks that opened near the office. From the first time i went there, I knew this was my place. I have been here so often that i have my own set of memories here. the best Starbucks ‘feel wise’ has to be the Horniman Circle outlet. The one near my new office at Bandra is also one crazy hot bed of activity. It is huge but is stuffed whenever i visit it. But still this cute one near my old office - the Starbucks at Prabhadevi in Century Mills Building has to be my favourite. There is something about the vibe of the place that is hard to beat. I am not a big believer of vast - in fact i wouldn't care too hoots about it. But there is something i feel nice about when i come here. I like the people, the atmosphere, the lay out, the fact that its on the first floor, everything. I think at the end  - every place is about the memories. here i have the best memories. In my last job, i was doing great, i had achieved some real big stuff and all without any strong support from the management. In fact i was completely gainfully unemployed. Whatever i did, I did with almost half a day to spare every day. I face a lot of criticism, ignorance, lack of understanding , cynicism etc. People had no clue what great stuff was happening. Whenever i wanted to escape it all, i would go to this Starbucks. typically with a team member, i would run away and have a nice conversation with them. i built my relations with them at this place. I remember running away from all the issues and getting joy over a cup of coffee in this place. Even now, i like to come here from time to time. I like to have the coffee here. One staff knows me well and makes for me my cup of coffee. She knows exactly what i want - one cappuccino, soy and dry. Its the best place for me to be. Its my space.

Of course its got nothing to do with the coffee (almost nothing). Someone told me once that the lighting at a Starbucks is designed to give you corridors and spaces of privacy in an environment thats fundamentally public. Sure - there is a warm feel to it. But i think the most of all - its is what you experience. So far I have experienced nothing but joy and escape from drudgery here. And this is what i associate from this place and hence there is an emotion. 

Brands must realise this and recognise this and keep it close to their hearts. Every small thing matters. The menu design, the pricing, the lights, the crowd you attract, the service, the quality of the people serving. Barista was awesome but in the end it had too many owners and no one person to spearhead the experience and keep it sacrosanct. The coffee quality changed and then the atmosphere. The last time i had been there - the place was full of stupid monetising schemes run by the head office - there was a counter put by red bull (i think) and then by a chewing gum company and then they wanted to sell t shirts and merchandise and other crappy stuff. Everything that could be used to crowd the place was used and then it degenerated into a chaotic environment. Monetising the place may help in the short run but is stupid to do in the long run. people will see the chaos, they may not complain but they will feel it and slowly the crowd dwindles. I have seen it happen over and over again - one small charge levied, one small feature removed, one small change just to be clever. Who will notice - lets do it and then - it will slowly fail! people notice more things than what we give them credit. Small things matter. We keep cutting corners and disaster strikes over a period of time. We have this one year concept in firms for accounting. This accounting logic will dictate the bonus we pay our people - the kind of work we do in one year is the amount of nous we receive. When the life of the business is supposed to be over a 100 year period why should bonus be yearly. How will what i do this year help the firm in the long run. It may not necessarily be right for now but will be right after three years - who accounts for that?

In my last firm i steadily built the foundations of the digital practice that will pay dividends for years to come. Even if i have left the firm it will keep paying dividends. While everyone might acknowledge the benefits of the same - doing it does not give any benefits to me beyond the value it adds to me as a professional.

The solution I think is for the firm to give yearly and three year bonuses. The three year bonus has to be for steps taken in the long run. It forces people to think for the long run. People should wonder what is it that I have done that will impact the firm in the next three - five years. What is it that will make the customers happy. What steps I will take that will come back to bite me in the bum and make the firms’ image poor in the eyes of the stakeholders. 

Now working in a start up funded by VCs there is an even greater problem. Quarterly numbers. People have to meet quarter in quarter numbers. People are running every quarter. Quality businesses are not built by the quarter but are built by the years of being in the business doing the right thing. When you think quarterly how can you build for long? People will simply think about flipping a deal, passing the buck and letting the incentives just matter for the immediate. Who will reward long term business decision taking? I understand the speed is important. A firm that cannot build of speed is extent but this quarter on quarter business planning will kill viable good businesses before they get a decent shot at success.

Recently a lot of start ups are in the use for going bust. The growth was simply not sustainable. Giving free money away and playing the game of incentivising customers cannot run forever. Even good companies start wilting under pressure. A lovely food  rating app that does really well was in the news. It raised money on the back of projections that they will sell ad space on the app. Possibly here we are talking about restaurants who advertise on the app promoting their meals. The CEO wrote a letter to all employees blaming the sales team for not delivering upto promise. That letter leaked and caused havoc on social media. The app was doing well simply growing its user base and getting people to use, rate and browse the app. Its a good app. Then possibly an over committed number was used in a business case presentation and then that became the number to live and die by. Or possibly the sales guys genuinely underperformed. the young CEO was possibly a great guy to design and manage an app but really sucked at managing a sales team. Whatever the reason - the sales did not happen and the blame fell on them. IN any case - whats the role of the CEO? writing stupid mails to the entire team and showing his displeasure or simply folding his sleeves and getting to work with the sales team, region by region. Either improving performance or simply recalibrating the target to be more real and rooted. Writing mail helps none. I don’t know why CEO’s have this grandiose notions of writing mails to all staff. It helps none. i can understand that in case there is an immediate controversy or that the firm is being slammed in media, but beyond that this mail writing culture is stupid. Very large organisations sometimes need it as the CEO cant really talk to tens of thousands of employees but if you have a good management team in place, you normally dont even require to do this. Just talk and solve the problem.

In start up environments there is a lot of hero worship. Everyone who religiously follows another start up head. They are all insecure. They are constantly raising money, constantly trying to outdo the other in PR and constantly trying to be in the limelight. I think this culture of writing mails comes from some other startup CEOs writing mails to all employees that get viral. So if a CEO of a successful start up writes a personal mail to all - then I must as well. 

I feel entrepreneurs are crazy - they are crazily optimistic people. They see everything with rose tinted glasses. I don’t think practical real people can become entrepreneurs. These guys dream all the time. They equate themselves to other people who have made it and believe that can pull it off as well. Not all will make it. In fact a crazy small number of people will really make it to any real scale. But everyone believes it is them that will do it and they are really that smart. They seem to discount their shortcoming and have a super sized view of themselves. But seriously - they really really believe in how everything will just unfold and work out for them. They know it and they sell it. they sell it all the time. I think its just their own ability to believe and sell it to other smart people who join in, led by their vision, is the major reason that they succeed. Only a hyper enthusiastic sales man can convert a sale, regularly.

So thats our man.

Coming back to the first point - yup the coffee shops have been amazing for me and for a number of other people. It has become my oasis of calm and frenzy at the same time. The place is just beautiful. In so many cafes there are people sitting check by jowl, someone working, someone flirting, someone interviewing, someone chilling and someone at a kitty party. Its amazing. Also with the com boom now - someone is sitting and pitching to an investor or someone else all the time. Its a lovely environment and as far as I am concerned, simple companies that focus on the core experience and keep it uncluttered like Starbucks, are the ones marching a steal over the others. People will come to your location and walk a little more, but the atmosphere matters. I don't think any coffee can really pass a blind taste test. No one coffee is seriously superior in the average customers mind frame as long as you don't really botch it up by downgrading or varying your blend. All you need to do is to keep your core proposition clear and stick to it. I remember reading the biography of the Starbucks CEO, where he developed it and passed it on to others to run it, only to come back and clear things up. Starbucks started losing it till he came back and refocussed the company on the core service. The simple message being: Don’t try and be clever - be clear!

we are what we ... eat, sleep, see, talk

i am a big believer of experiences. Experiences teach more to people than anything else. these experiences over a period of time define who you are and what you think. Of course you must be open to learning from all experiences. The positive ones teach you stuff and the negative ones teach you stuff. Everything is designed to teach you as long as you are open to learn from it. 

This weekend we came from a long Diwali weekend break. We had straight five days of holidays. We made the most of it. Jasper was in camp at Japaloupe. She has been there once before. they teach horse ridging there and they have a whale a time. So Jasmine and me were virtually free for the week. the first couple of days we went to my friends house in Pune and from then on to spend three nights at the Hilton property at Shillim, near Lonavala. 

The Hilton property is a 5 star deluxe one. I had been there once before with office guys for an offsite. Th place is crazy expensive and definitely doesn't justify the price in my head. But Jasmine’s brother had bought a large number of nights in advance and was going to have a lot of them unused, so we made a plan and we went there with Jasmine’s family. Free stay at the Hilton was always welcome. On the last day we had to go to pick Jispa from the camp and then get her to stay with us for one night. While travelling as a family we have always stayed in simpler places. I think as technology and internet has advanced the price of interesting places where you stay has actually gone down. We now probably stay cheaper than ever - some times in inflation adjusted terms or sometimes in absolute terms. We never stay at the 5 star properties. So sometimes I feel that as a family i should be taking Jispa to a few five stars. Sh should not grown up in awe of them or not knowing how to behave in them. She must be used to all types of stay options, from a 300 buck home stay to  a 250$ star rated property. So I happily took up the option when my brother in law proposed the same to me.

There at first i wondered when he did not take the all meals option. There is no other place nearby to eat. its a huge property, in fact its so huge that you order for cars to take you to the dining area and back to the room. there is no way you are going anywhere else for meals. He turned out to be right. If you take the all meals package you end up eating at the buffet all the time at the cost of Rs2,500 a head. Its way too expensive and most of the time you don’t want lunch after your late and heavy breakfast. Then for dinner you have a choice of eating elsewhere and not at the buffet. They have two other place you can go to eat. One place that was described in their brochure caught my eye - The Green Table. this was connected to the spa and was billed as an organic restaurant. Jasmine’s brother had been to Hilton many times but never went there as once it was closed for some reason and then he did not get a good review. I knew enough to know that in many ways our tastes in restaurants and experiences don't match up. i always like new and different experiences - and he tends to like the predictable and consistent experiences. I would never ever book a  large number of nights in one place to start with. So I had told Jasmine that we should try the place.

I didn't bother so much about it as I was happy where the family was but on the last day, Jasmine decided ot bring that up as an option for dinner. only my nephew agreed and hence Jasmine, Jispa and my nephew decided to eat there. When we reached there the menu seems extremely exotic and we wondered if we would like it. The kids tried ordering while i was talking to the chef for my vegan food orders. I asked him if the portions were enough for one of two and then i learned that restaurant was a Fine Dine concept. One portion was enough for one. Oops. Then i ordered my stuff and then turned to the kids. The kids wanted to order soup as one by two. one by two is a lovely Indian concept. you order soup typically One by two. You order one soup and they then split it into two bowls. This is good for most restaurants including the high end ones. When they tried it here, they were politely refused. Hah! then i explained the fine dine concept to them.

I have had dinner once before at a Fine Dine. You go in and order your meals by the courses. I had eaten at the Zodiac Grill at the Taj. This was as fine dine as you could get. This was when one team at the Wealth management office where I was, had done a large deal for a mutual fund. I was the chief negotiator for the firm and I got them a dinner at the Zodiac Grill. The mutual fund team invited me as well and I got  taste of the Fine Dine experience and I remember it till now. It is a bit of a lovely experience. Also the food is so well plated and decorated that you like to just look at it. Then the flavours - these flavours are cooke din to give a bit of surprise and nothing is done to overwhelm the taste buds. A little salt here and a little sauce there and just a hint of a single type of flavour not messing with the others.

So here also the fine dine was absolutely exquisite. It was a great experience. The tiny portions, no strong over powering flavours, the amazing textures, the palate cleansers… My nephew and Jispa had a whale of a time. Jasmine who at the start was not so sure of the place too enjoyed the food. We have the money now but going and spending so much at a restaurant never did hold that much of an attraction for Jasmine and me. First spending money is an issue and then eating is an issue - we don't really enjoy eating that much and then spending so much money to EAT! Woha, thats too much. So this was a good opportunity. Lady luck beens good to me these days, i have a little spare money and the holiday was free so i could spend on the food.

What i was amazed at is that Jispa could also appreciate the food. For a kids these days that are burgers and pizzas fanatic who cant chew, fine dine is a bit of a concept. But Jispa enjoyed it and we ended up discussing and sharing plates and morsels with each other. taste this - taste that… Did you get this taste, isn't this quite interesting - blah blah… We went on and on. The vegan stuff was also good. The waiter told us that i was the second vegan patron there. The first vegan there was - guess who - Aamir Khan (bollywood actor). So they knew exactly what to serve. they even whipped up  mousse kind of desert from hazelnut paste and peanut butter which was amazing. The experience was something to savour. food can get interesting if you know how to appreciate it.

Of late I have begun to understand food to some extent. I think people in general are getting better with food thanks to Masterchef, but i think i have begun to get a greater understanding of it after i turned vegan. Now i smell food, see it, taste it, try and decipher the flavours etc. Its an interesting journey. I am trying to understand this better. the texture as well. Jispa and me have started having these conversations on the table at restaurants. I think none of us will ever become a foodie but and live to eat but i think its interesting to understand food and be able to appreciate it. You go across the world  and food is something you can appreciate. Like the last time i travelled on research - i tried food everywhere. I have actually trained myself to understand it, like it, appreciate it… and sorry about this - learn from it. Someday i would love to talk to a food historian. We are what we eat!

random rants of a father of a lovely lady!

there

The answer to the question that if i am going at the speed of light what happens when I look back?

Obviously it wasn't as simplistic as I made it out to be. Which just proves how dangerous is it to have half knowledge. I keep saying this and people don't believe it that all the knowledge that i have is very dangerous. after reading so much over these years, i have amassed a lot of knowledge but nothing super deep in one field. It gives me amazing breadth, the ability to pull off examples that are from seemingly unrelated fields nut what it definitely does is makes me very very vulnerable in a field of experts. Most others wouldn't even venture there, but with my limited knowledge, I would venture into the territory and get caught out.

Its a good thing I am in marketing. I need to get as much exposure as possible. I have over the years been able to play to my strengths, which is take inspiration from various unrelated fields and apply to business issues and try and take a creative leap. This has so far bode well for me. As I get older I use these experiences to make a point or talk deeper through the matter. But then the age old problem catches up. I hate it when it happens - the problem when one articulate meets an inarticulate. or an open articulate meets a closed inarticulate. Basically i will be using all sorts of references and data points to prove my point and then the opposite guy will just stop the conversation. They will refuse to discuss the issue. They say they cant argue with me or they don't want to argue with me or something to that effect. That is a complete piss off as far as i am concerned. Why would you not want to discuss your issues openly, just because you can articulate it well enough? Especially if you are closed to the thought. If you are simply inarticulate but open you will quickly realise that I try my best to articulate your side as well. That unnerves some more of them. Why would I be doing that? Do I really want to help them or am I just taking their case. The smarter ones understand and the secure ones love it, but a large majority - i think i just let go.

The art of keeping quiet and let them rant is something I have developed over a period of time. Just let go when things are not going great - conversation wise. Keep quiet - think deep - relax. your own thoughts are fun things to be.

Speaking of which Jispa has had her share of own thoughts which are running at some obscene rate of acceleration and change. She is a teen and her synapses are getting formed every day. She changing and along with herself - we all are trying to keep pace. She had always hated haircuts. She wants them long but she doesn't know how to handle them. In the past I think she has liked only one haircut. Haircuts is something Jasmine and me have decided is a battle not worth fighting. You decide what you want and when you want - we refuse to get involved or tell her what haircut or tell the hair dresser. Stay away from this ticking tim bomb as much as possible. So suddenly when jasmine told me that she needs to go for a haircut with Jispa i looked at Jasmine with a quizzical look. “dont tell me. i did not do anything. your daughter came to me directly and asked for a hair cut’. Its always ‘your daughter’ when these kind of events happen. The nice things are always done by her daughter. My daughter does all the stuff that leaves us perplexed. So they went for a hair cut. When they came back and i opened the door to see her, I was stunned. This was by far the best hairdo that i have ever seen my daughter with. Her hair were all in shape, they were combed well (obviously blow dried) and looking spectacular.

I suddenly realised that she was now a young lady. She had suddenly gotten much older. I looked at her and told her exactly that. Jasmine looks at me with a bewildered look. It seems from the time that she got her hair cut to the time that she got home, she was messing around with her hair. It wasn't that good, the hair is looking all puffed up, this is not right, that she was going to wash it, or at the very least, she was going to wet some parts of her hair, that she was going to tie it up blah blah. She did mess around a bit. Then Jasmine and i just said - fair - do what you want to, just once before you do anything, lets take a few pics, just so that we know for ourselves what you are capable of looking like and then you can do whatever you want. We took a few pics and one with me and her, i put on FB. This one was the one that garnered the most amount of likes that i have ever seen. in the first couple of hours itself - it crossed a 100 likes. At the tim of writing  - it is stable at around 235 odd. Hah! A simple pic that has no background, no real story, just a  pic of me and my child looking like a lovely lady and there -boom - its breaks the internet as far as I am concerned. As Jasmine was telling me - its not me but Jispa getting all the likes! Yup I agree. 

Facebook is a reflection of the kind of society we live in. young single women putting up pictures of themselves tend to garner a larger share of likes from suitable males than anyone else. Similarly a 40 year old male (me) will garner the most likes when seen in the company of his child or wife - looking all family and all. As that is what is what is expected of me, looking good with family, the archetype of the  loving and caring dad who finds his soul in his family that he cares and provides for …