dekho - magar pyaar se

One of the reasons that I don’t often blog these days is that my mind seems to be in a complete state of neutrality. I am unable to have strong views or even give importance to my normally strong views. All my life I never had the problem of strong views. I have always been hot headed and relished the chance to express my views. I guess if one were to see my writing style at the start of writing this blog one would possibly see the change over the last few years of my life. I believe I have changed a lot. One of the things that I have become is a … a bit of a cynic? As in I don’t really mean it in a negative way. I can possibly appreciate and understand a lot of stuff that goes around… it’s nice to see a nice play or a good movie or a lovely painting but… it’s not the same unbridled joy that came along with it when I was much younger. When someone did something nice to me or spoke nicely or gave me some importance I would attach a greater deal of value to it. Now I am more… I would like to say circumspect rather than cynical.

I have learned the hard way and the cost of innocence that the world is round. It is interconnected. People do what they want to because of various different emotions, reasons and compulsions. I have realized that no one is doing things just for giving me joy. It gives them joy as well. And I am not being holier than thou here. Even I am party to the same fallacy. I thought I did things for others, selflessly, but I too have my own reasons for doing so. Hence now I see things differently. It does not mean that I don’t enjoy the good things in life. I love movies and I love good friends, especially when they are nice to me. There are so many friends who are genuine in their care for me and my family and I thank them, I appreciate them. Only thing is that I try not to expect a lot of joy to be served to me unilaterally. I hope I making sense, without offending too many people.

Let me rephrase my thoughts – life is nice, people are nice, everything is nice. But I must take care not to take it for granted. I must do my bit to get my share. I must grow up and not expect things to be served to me just because I served it to them. Every person is different. Recognize that. Understand that and love them for who they are and not what they do to you or why they do what they do to you.

Hehehe. I said what I thought was essentially the same thing but with a more positive twist on it. I should get into preaching. The first two paragraphs is what I tell myself when I am in a mood to talk to myself in absolute honesty. I try and be ridiculously blunt to myself. To the point of a scolding. But when I talk to others, I realize that they may not be ready for some real badly said honest feedback. I too hate negative feedback. So at least I hear it from myself rather than hear from others.

One wise man told me, not to look at God also too closely; you will notice even God has blemishes. That is so true. When hold people in high or even exalted status, invariably you try and come closer and then you see them with all their dark spots. And you are left disappointed and even bitter. Things are not what they seem to be. Sometimes as the big marketing guy in office giving all that gyan, or in college lecturing, I am expected to keep an artificially high image that people hold in their hearts of me. I can see it in many eyes or possibly I imagine them in many eyes. The pressure to be a great guy is too much. I am supposed to be a great guy in so many things, that I soon start believing that I am a great guy. Over the last couple of years I realized that I am not such a great guy after all. I need to work hard like everyone else on every issue, being a good dad, a good husband, a good boss, a good friend. Everything. And all the time. It’s tough. Especially when you know you are working hard. That when you expect something back, just because you are working hard. But from the opposite perspective – its simple – that how you are supposed to be – a good _____ (fill in your role).

So life is a really tough thing to live, if you are hard on yourself. The trick is in being hard but taking it all with salt. It is to attempt to live to your values and morals and know that everything is subjective. Jispa can love me just because I let her play with the iPad and hate me because I stuff the banana down her throat before her workout. That’s ok. I have to keep trying hard and be what I think I know what’s best at the time. The trick is not to push too much as what I think is best is transient. It is subject to change, all the time.

One of my role models I realized was my brother. I think my blog writing helped me realize that. A lot of what I do in many places is what I have seen my brother do. Though I would be at loathe admitting it but a lot of his gyan in some way has found itself into my life. One of things he said was I never interfere with other parents and their children. I don’t discipline them or anything. What they do with their child is their problem. I thought that was a pretty good gyan and I try to follow it, to some extent. Of course it becomes impossible to follow it entirely when you are with so many kids as we invariably are. But I saw my brother always follow it and he never interfered with my fights with Jispa. Recently we were in dehra dun at my sisters holiday home and they have a cute pup in their premise which is looked after by the servant as my sister is not often at Dehradun.  My brother has decided not to have kids and they have a dog instead. They take care of Angel as if it’s their child. Now seeing an untrained pup, my brother took it upon himself to train the pup. He spent his time disciplining the pup and explaining my sister and her husband on how to take care of it. At one point he seriously admonished them and the servant for not letting it sleep properly. My brother really scolded the caretaker. Now I was at the sidelines looking at this. How different does one behave when one is confronted with something close to one’s heart? Wasn’t interfering with the dog master relationship the same as interfering with the child parent relationship? Surely its different in many ways but its also the same in many ways.

That’s what I believe by being a little bit more circumspect. Reality is not what we see or perceive it to be. It changes, people change. You only believe what you see. There is so much you don’t see. And in all this what blog do I write – what I see or what I don’t see. All my blogs will start looking like this. This is what I see but there is so much I don’t see. I find it difficult to hold a strong opinion and that is critical to writing. But then that is also a bad excuse, there is still so many experiences to share. They may not be worth writing about in the long run but strung together they are what I have lived and tis blog is about what I have lived so that Jispa many moons later will know what I have lived. It will just be that – a chronicle not a tomb on greater gyan. So with that I hope to write more often. I hope I have admonished myself enough, destroyed myself ego and broke my wall of excuses. Atleast I am my biggest critic or cynic!

ding dong, oh baby sing a song

Music is beautiful. It can turn your mood to a different direction and it can also be used to reflect your mood. It’s beautiful. But I… I don’t listen to music. I have never been able to sit for hours listening to music. I can’t appreciate music for long. I don’t understand it. I love it when it plays. I can sing and dance along. But I can’t let it run for long. And I just can’t talk about it too much. Singers, musicians etc.. These are no conversations for me. Jasmine still likes her music. No she isn’t too picky but she still likes it. She can go to sleep listening to music and she can’t stuff her ears with the earphones and enjoy. I can’t do that. And ear phones for music… I can’t handle that as well. I feel it just separates me from the rest of the world. And I would like my sound system to be of a decent quality. But still even after all this I can’t spend money on listening to music. Concerts bore me after a point of time. I would love if someone tried explaining some of the music to me. I would be able to appreciate it better, but still not much beyond a point.

I think Jispa loves her music. Jasmine always has the radio on while driving and Jispa listens to a lot of radio. Now she has this thing for English music. Wonder where she picked that from. Jispa insists on listening to the English radio channel. I find that even more irritating. New English music has passed me by completely. My western music is limited to the stuff I heard in college and a few songs from there on. While driving, I feel is the best time to catch up talking with each other. So if Jispa or Jasmine is in the car then I don’t switch on the radio. I rather talk about something or the other. Music is a conversation restrictor. Earlier when I drove alone I heard the radio but since a few years I have listening to good podcasts and using that to further my readings. Sometimes this makes me feel like a completely fuddy duddy. I am hungry and have an almost insatiable appetite for knowledge and music becomes a faltu waste of time. And then it surprises me when sometimes I switch on the radio at times and love the music being played.

I love the music but can’t listen to it. What is this weird combination? In fact I feel most music listeners are highly pretentious. But then this I attribute to my own stupid judgment (or lack of). But I still can’t understand my behavior. If a song is stuck in my head, I like it. I can sing it again and again. Singing songs while batting have helped me improve it and I think highly of it. I sing so much that Jispa hates it and I a song is stuck in her head while swimming she blames me for it. She hates it when that happens. She feels irritated and I can’t understand why that is a bad thing. I love it. But I still can’t listen to too much music. I also never understood how people listen to music while studying or reading. I can’t do that as well. Today morning I tried listening to music while working or reading – it bombed as usual. I had to switch off the music.

It’s a weird thing. Music is so powerful and I have mentioned this incident before – I used to sing to a pregnant Jasmine. It was this one song and when Jispa was born whenever she cried I sang this song and it made her quiet. I completely believe in the power of music, but I can’t somehow get it to work hard on me. One song and at best two. Full stop. My mood is ok, now let’s get on with it.

Well, whatever. When I was marketing head for the wealth division, we used to have KK concerts organized for our clients. He was awesome and this song of his was brilliant. I loved it. I heard it today morning and I thought I could hear a few more. In fact I put his entire playlist to play from youtube and then I simply switched it off in 2 minutes. I can’t take more than 67 seconds of emotions. Brain fry ho jata hai J

For those wondering on what the title means - listen to this...

a tough act

Ever since we took up a major research exercise last year, we have been screaming hoarse about the need to simplify the jargon associated with finance in general and broking in particular. A large number of people want to invest and a large number open their trading account, but you see a large amount of dormancy within the system. The reason is simple – the whole environment is far too intimidating. Way too much rubbish is used for a lot of the names. The money you give a broker to carry out transactions is called ‘margin’, then there is the ‘ledger’ and ‘payout’ is done on a ‘T+2 basis’ after which the shares hit your ‘demat’ account and of course  there is the ‘bid and ask’ as well as ‘spread’, ‘impact cost’, ‘PE multiples’ available. All this is scary especially when you are looking to invest money in bid to exercise control over your destiny. Basically the poor soul feels constrained and helpless when trying to invest in shares.

But no one seems to be listening. You will find even more incomprehensible offers with thousands of lines of fine print for everything and the dice firmly loaded against you. In the back drop of all this is the Union Budget. You have the jamboree every Feb end where the finance minister gets up and presents what is essentially a nonevent. But the TV channels have managed to hype it and create enough buzz so as to charge astronomical premiums for advertisers and attract eyeballs. No one understands jack of what is presented and no one understands jack of the impact of these proposals. Key terms are misunderstood and people are watching in a bid to see where the markets react to the whole charade.

So in light of all that we decided to set up a micro site called budget simplified. Among other stuff we decided to shoot videos explaining the budget to the common person. What is it and what does one look for in the budget. Short two minute videos that give a fair idea into the whole process. Having less money we decided that I would be the model for the videos. Nine videos should be easy enough. One day shoot and we wrap it up. Boy I was wrong. One shoot it was but the videos were bloody difficult to shoot. One is at first pretty stiff in front of the cameras. It takes time to get a bit lose and to free up. At first the lights and the focus is a bit intimidating but over the day it worked out pretty fine. The other problem is the energy level. One has to maintain an energy level through the day. You have to perform at higher degrees of energy every time you are in front of the camera. Afternoon was tough for me. It showed on the screen. One can actually feel it when the cinematographer tells you that “sir, energy nahi aa raha hai performance mein.” Yes of course. I had to actually pull off reserve energy form the system to give a ‘performance’. Wow. It’s a tough job. I now have new found respect for models and actors and have a small insight into how they must be going about their everyday life. I did not have the additional burden of trying to look good. Those guys need to manage that as well through the day. And the stakes are ridiculously high for them and everyone. Here I was the boss on the set, so everyone was forced to be patient with me and I could modify the lines as I saw fit as I was the quasi script writer as well. Imagine if you are getting paid for this and your opinion on script counts for jack. Wow. Running around trees can also be stressful. Nevertheless, at end of it, the videos did come out pretty cool and I did manage to remain standing. Here are the videos.

They are pretty simple explanations for a lot of the stuff. If finance or economics hold no interest for you, you have bets leave these videos unwatched, but if you have even a passing interest in these topics then you may find the same quite interesting and educative. We have tried to keep things at a very simplistic level and repeated a lot of the concepts. Have fun and let me know.

little big dreams

It’s been a really uphill struggle to remain fit and fighting. My bad right knee keeps getting dislocated at the slightest stress. I strap it heavily to play badminton and yet in some vague situations, snap it goes. Now I am used to the drill, it will dislocate and then I will fall and then I will be in grave pain while I straighten my knee and snap, straightening it will get it into place and I can be normal again. But I still wont be able to run hard.

Its seriously my worst nightmare coming true. One of my recurring nightmares has been that I can’t run, a train is running away and I can’t run fast enough to catch it. This nightmare is something that I am living. Running and turning fast and long has been very important to me. And that has stopped. But I am surprised at myself. I have adapted very well. I started badminton instead of squash. It’s easier on the knees and I swim, that’s easiest on them.

Last week, I played a cricket tournament in my colony. I was in the team on reputation I guess. The senior pro who talks like he knows it all. I am still good on the field as a thinker. I may be a better player thinking through the game. I resisted from giving too many comments upfront, but when we lost one match and every one blamed it on bowling, I stood apart and explained how we lost it on batting. We overhauled the batting order and style and smashed through the next couple of games. I was sent in early, in spite of me explaining that I can’t run. I smashed one straight six off the ground and established my reputation. The next match I then destroyed my reputation. Well, almost. I am done with cricket. I dislocated my knee playing a shot, not even running. I retired never to bat again. And my back is sore form the wicket keeping I had to do. That was the only spot available to fielders who can’t run. So now after giving away my kit, I even gave away my bat. Only if it stays out will I not be tempted to play again. I loved my bat. My daughter was asking me if it was my lucky bat. No, I don’t believe in lucky bats but I did have a bat with an amazing balance, weight and power. I have hit a six over covers with that bat. But I knew I had to give it away. Its time. I explained to Jispa that when I was younger – around 25 yrs old, I always wished I had a great bat. Now I have a friend who is that young and plays cricket and he deserves a bat that is this good. What will it do in my house. Let him use it and let him get what I didn’t.

I am happy. I may have gotten old and crippled but I haven’t lost my touch with my emotions. I am happy that I have the heart to give away my equipment while they are still in good condition. And truly give them away, without having any condition attached to them. The only condition I attached to the bat was that – please love it. Respect it. I need not have said it. The boy who took it really loved it and was excited by it. NICE. It’s nice to see such joy. I know what I might have felt to get such a fantastic bat.

So here I am retiring almost from all forms of the game. I am not even fit to play colony cricket. For now atleast. It’s time to swim I guess. Swim and make your muscles. I can’t stay away from a sport. I can’t become round and happy. I have to remain straight and fit.

In swimming I learnt all the four strokes, though not all proficiently… but I know them. Only one thing remains – the tumble turn. Jispa is after me to learn it from her. I hate it as whenever I try it, I lose all orientation and water enters my nose giving me a fizzy head. But I have to try it, once that’s done, a big dream will be done. And what better way to fulfill your dream than having your daughter helping you along the way.

rearranging our prejudices

I have many times talked about this. The best experience in reading is when you get two books to read as a set. Sometimes they are complimenting each other, sometimes one takes the learning of the other forward and sometimes… sometimes they are actually two points of view of the same history. Right now I am reading Rahul Pandita’s book – Our Moon has Blood Clots: The Exodus of the Kashmiri Pandits. Rahul has written a book called Hello Bastar (about the naxal movement) in the past and he writes well and I have felt that he does try and be objective about what he writes about. This time he writes about his childhood and his growing up as a Kashmir Pandit who was forced to leave the Kashmir valley with his family while he was still a boy. The book may have many flaws but it does bring alive some of the horrors of the terrorism in Kashmir that forced the pandits to leave the valley.

Some time back I read another book. This one was called Curfewed Night by Basharat Peer. Similarly this is also a memoir but from the opposite point of view. Basharat is a Kashmiri Muslim and he sees the same situation so differently. He is also a very balanced and objective writer. He talks about how as a young boy he idolized the Kashmiri Fighters who crossed the borders over and received training. And how it was to be a Kashmiri under constant threat from the Indian Armed Forces.

The same situation but the villains are the opposite parties. Who do you believe? I would assume that both are telling the truth. I don’t think either would really dispute the other’s point of view. But the contrast is telling. There is never an absolute truth. I would like to gift these two books in unison to Jispa when she grows up. What is the truth always depends on what you have been exposed to. Your knowledge no matter how vast is colored by your own experiences. Truth is relative. Muslims were killed and so were the Pandits. One believed in fighting for freedom and the other believed that freedom was already achieved. Both the authors were touched at am impressionable age by the fundamentalist forces and both wanted to take arms and exact revenge but were taken by their fathers to a land free from this racial animosity. And both seemed to have grown up to be largely secular. They realize the futility of violence but bear such deep scars that it may be impossible for them to be completely neutral.

Can one ever be neutral? For life to go on one must take a strong stand in one direction. These choices are made every day. We take a stand basis the information and experience we have. I am not saying to not take a stand. That is stupid and a complete waste. Devil’s advocate is a nice term for it and as one of Devdutt’s piece on this explains (link) this is many times the wrong way to discuss. Just a few days back, at the gymkhana where I got active with the swimming department, we were presenting the budget. Most of the office bearers were understanding and practical. One fellow was completely irritating. He kept switching sides and said, yes, that’s a good idea to every point and on both sides of the same point. Yes it was nice and diplomatic but it just prolonged the meeting and got nowhere. Endless argument and recognition of both sides got no one anything.

It is important to see both sides, to hear both sides to recognize both sides, to understand that both exist and that both are right in their own way. But at the end life and reality is that you have to take one side and move on. You have to take a stand while being polite and accommodating of the other. Its easy to be brusque about the other side. I have been guilty consistently about this. I have tried my best to change. From merely brushing them off to thinking actively from the other side I have understood another point of view. Now instead of brushing the other side I try and make an argument to convince the other. But that itself creates another sense of pressure on the opposite side. A convincing argument is so difficult for the other to accept, possibly more difficult that a brush off. One can be forced to accept defeat to power but not to reason. Oh dam!

But we all need to understand the other side. See that it exists, acknowledge it and try to live in that shoe. Possibly then we realize that the demons on the other side aren’t that demonic after all. They too were just acting on their prejudices. That’s all.

Like this quote my friend showed me “A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” - William James

Side note – I was talking to a colleague who happened to be a Kashmiri Pandit who too left when he was 9 yrs old. I urged him to read both the books. HE ordered one. Rahul’s book. He was reading it and he said a lot of that was the truth. He was pretty excited. It was going to be the first book he has ever read. On any topic! That’s a good start. I asked him if he ordered the one by Basharat. Nopes, he dismissed it. Later. Possibly.

I guess we only know what we want to know

as blunt as a knife

A few weeks back Jispa had her 100 meter freestyle event. Normally Jispa doesn’t do too well in the 100 mtr race. She like the 50 mtr. We thought that’s because she needs to build greater strength and stamina. That was also one the prime reasons we took Jispa to a nutritionist who specializes in children sports nutrition. We were hoping that eating right would help her build some strength and help her in the longer races. But ofcourse  we weren’t expecting a miracle too soon. These things do take a long time to settle in. Though I think the right approach to eating does pay some immediate dividends.

But something else happened in this race. This was a 25 mtr pool and hence it’s a four  legged race. Jispa was in lane 5 and by chance her friend from our club itself was in lane 4. As the race started, her friend who is normally better in the longer races set off. Jispa followed a little behind. Throughout the first fifty she tailed her friend. Then something happened. I saw something that I haven’t seen in Jispa’s race before. Her second fifty was faster than the first. Normally Jispa’s second fifty is quite bad. But she took off and slowly built a lead over her friend, ever so marginal but a lead nevertheless. Wow, something interesting was going on. Then in the last 25 some reserve energy came in and she went even faster to beat her friend in the race. Not that she was medal prospect or something but she did improve her timing. Even her coach who was watching this was quite amazed. “Great timing”, he congratulated her, “but, your second fifty was faster than your first fifty”. Basically you normally don’t do that, you should logically slow down as your energy wears off.

A few weeks back we had a parents-teacher meeting at Jispa’s school. Jispa is a sweet kid, largely stays out of trouble, never gets into fights nor is she bothered by the girl politics playing around. She is completely chilled and unaffected by it all. A lot like Jasmine I guess. So these meetings are always nice and sweet with the teachers never having anything really big to say. As the meeting was drawing to a close, her teacher told us “Jispa is a lovely child, she is very good, but…. But…. “ I guess she did not know how to put it. “but… she is not ..” I forget what word she used but, basically she meant Jispa is not aggressive or ambitious or a take charge kind of girl. She is very happy and content. Like if the teacher wants someone to get chalk or someone to do some work, Jispa isn’t the enthusiastic raising hands jumping in plea volunteer. She is happy being seated.

Yes, she isn’t that ambitious yet. She is content and is not interested in too many incentives or positions. She likes to do stuff but not necessarily has the killer instinct to win at all costs. She is contented and happy. Now that is a good thing in many ways and we also have brought her up that way. We haven’t taught her to kill or to covet winning at all costs. I have always maintained that desire to win or perform must come from inside of you. You don’t have to win because your dad wants you to win. You have to win because you want to or you think it’s in you to win. Her teacher also admitted that its possibly a good thing but she was possibly lamenting that it could be a waste of talent or something not to be ambitious or to be contented.

Now after the race, I asked her, what she was doing. I suspected that she pushed herself as her friend was in the next lane and that turned out to be the real reason. She wanted to beat her. Something inside of her came alive. She wanted to compete. Sure Jispa like competing and competing hard and coming ahead but it’s not the winning. Difficult to really explain, but it’s a case of opposites reconciling. Try to win but not really covet winning. Her coach and I had a discussion on this today. I said she isn’t really that ambitious but I guess she needs to know how good she really is. Her coach told me that he is waiting. He believes that Jispa is a great potential. Once her mind will flip and she decides that she is a good swimmer and she is capable of much more, then she will suddenly zoom ahead.

Ya I agree. This race was testimony to the fact there is much more to her than she shows. She is capable of performing better. She needs to realize this on her own at her own time. Only when she realizes this on her will she emerge from her own shadow. She is talented, physically fit, mentally sharp and a nice amiable kid. Can be become sharp without losing her … BLUNT? That is for us to find out.

I am the Big Mean Beast

Yesterday I got a glimpse of the consequences of having a daughter.

Some time back a fashionable pretty young thing joined my team. She had long nails. Looking at them I remarked “long nails?”. “are you allowed long nails?”. She looked at me wondering. “are they not allowed?”. I kept her guessing and gave evasive answers. The PYT was stressed. I ask her to ask around. My team that was watching it all pounced like a pack of wolves saying it wasn’t. They all proceeded to show off their nails. The PYT wasn’t really convinced. Afterwards she caught another girl (wolf in sheep clothing) and asked her if the requirement was real. This other girl confirmed it.

PYT then comes back after the weekend with her nails chopped off. I look at them and ask incredulously “you chopped them off? Why did you do that? Did I tell you to chop them? I only asked if they were ok. But if you wanted them I would have definitely fought with HR if it was not allowed. Dint you like ask around?”. “I did” she protested. “They all told me to chop them off, since they are not allowed”. She fell for it, hook line and sinker. Then she said something even weirder “I chopped them off over the weekend and I cried”. “cried?”. “ya, they take so long to grow for me an di have to take care of them to grow them. SO I cried when I had to cut them”. Ok now the pranksters were feeling a wee bit sorry about the whole thing. And I was wondering how dumb does one have to be to fall for this and how sensitive must one be towards nails.

Jispa’s school has begun to have a soft approach towards nails, is what I was told by Jasmine. Possibly it is the class teacher or whoever but the kids in Jispa’s class, or more specifically the girls in Jispa’s class have started growing nails. Jasmine routinely chops off Jispa’s nails. They get dirty and we don’t believe that a ten year old still can grow nails. Jispa too is only a bit reluctant to chop them off. But this time she was showing a little less enthusiasm to chop her nails. While Jasmine was chopping them off, she did not want to give her thumb. This was in the morning when there is no time for anything else and I just firmly told her to get them chopped. She heard me and let out her thumb. After Jasmine chopped that nail, Jispa was pretty upset. Huh? It’s just a nail girl. What are you so upset about? And didn’t her school not allow long nails. Jasmine explained her schools recent laxity towards nails. But Jispa was pretty upset. WHAT? What’s so upsetting? Well it seems that she was growing her one thumb nail. She was ok with all the others being trimmed but the thumb… that was the one she was growing. And man was she upset…? I felt like the big mean beast.

I asked Jasmine “do you really need to cut it?”. “of course, she plays with it all the time. While studying she is fiddling with it”. “ok. lets get a compromise. Now on, you can grow your thumb but you ensure its clean and if you play with it even once while studying, it will be cut.” That mollified her a little bit. Just a little bit. I later even probed if it was a peer issue. It didn’t turn out to be one where everyone is growing it and she would be left out. It’s a simple case of Jispa being a girl. And girls like nails. Fullstop.

And my girl is growing up and growing her nails. I don’t know when the taekwondo kicker will become girlie and start painting her nails and wondering if her hair is in order all the time. And dam, the day she buys a cute little red dress to match her red paint and set her hair, I will simply jump off the floor. Oh man. I was lucky all this while as my little girl wasn’t the prim and proper fashion miss. She was cool and had a style of her own. But this nail incident has really awakened me from my slumber. We’ll figure. We’ll live.

sportsman's prayer

Saturday was a red letter day in Jispa’s life. Last week she came in dancing from school. She had learnt that she was the school placard bearer leading the march past at the sports day. That’s pretty cool. She would march in before everybody else, including the school flag bearer. Then she would lead the school into the oath. She would speak the oath and the school would repeat it after her. It was big freaking deal. It was a BFD for her and for us as well.

I asked her if she really wanted to be IT. yup sure she said. She recollected that when she was in the lower Kg a girl had taken eth oath and she thought it was dam cool. She had forgotten about it but when she learnt that she was IT then she was super excited. She got it possibly thanks to her consistent performances in the swimming pool and on the track and field events. She’s pretty athletic. Possibly the oath bit is also thanks in part to the fact that she excels in elocution.

I remember wanting to be IT. I wanted to be the guy giving the oath in school. I remember once it was administered by my brother’s friend. His name was Stephen Dias. He was a brilliant footballer and a really sweet guy. I wanted to do it. But amongst a string of missed chances this one too passed me by. So I was pretty happy when she was chosen. It amazing how much of my life I have ended up living with my daughter. It’s pretty surreal. Her achievements in sports, elocution and school have left me pretty moist eyed.

It’s a lovely feeling. People come and congratulate you as parents and we simply brush it off directing it to Jispa. But all this is a lot more complicated than it really is. A lot of factors come into play. But most importantly it simply is the process of adjustment to one and other. That is the true essence of family. Jasmine Jispa and I are constantly adjusting to each other. We all keep growing, keep shifting and keep changing. We try and reach our equilibrium which all economists know is a notoriously unstable state. It doesn’t stay steady at all. There are too many parameters at work. But if we largely work towards achieving it as opposed to disrupting it, you tend to remain in balance.

On one morning last week, Jispa told me as we were leaving for the pool, that she didn’t feel like swimming that morning. Sure but it’s your morning swimming that got you your position on the sports day, right? Ya. She replied. I guess she realized the value of all that hard work. It’s very tough on us parents to enforce discipline. Extremely difficult. How do you not become a tyrant while doing so? I guess jasmine and I take a simple stand. Let’s think through at a point if we want to do a certain activity or not. Do we want her to swim and does she want to swim. Once the call is taken we have to go to closure. Do we want her to study or not. Is it important for her to know the multiplication tables or not. Simple. You rack your brains once or every once in a while and come to an answer. Once you come to an answer you simply execute it. So no matter how tired I may be or sleep deprived, if she has to go to swim in the morning she has to go for a swim. I for one am very clear. If you don’t want to swim then its simple, let’s stop this crazy schedule.

It bugs me no end to be half way there. Jasmine deals with Jispa on a daily basis. She had a different set of issues. If she dictates like this, she would end up being a tyrant. But I am the dad who is away for most of the day. For me it’s simple to be in black or white about issues. Jasmine is all grey. Possibly that’s the way it is. Each one of us enforces on each other a set of paradigms. Each one of us is trying to push us and our paradigms. That’s the fun part. The trick is to get to a common boundary while pushing the edge but not tipping over. It’s easy for the parent to push the child, but getting the child to push the parent is very very difficult. I encourage it when I can but I too must admit that it is not possible. Our ego is far too high to allow for it. But I try.

At the end if my kid remembers me a fair parent, that’s what I will settle for. A fair deal. If she thought I was fair in giving her fair share of freedom, independence, protection, advice and learning; that’s all there is. And yes, her own fair share of credit.

Jispa did a lot because she is happy doing it all. She won her sprint titles for the 6^th year in a row. She has been unbeatable in sprint in her school. That’s pretty cool. This year in the 200 meters she was running along when I saw her being pushed by another kid, which made her go faster. On Sunday while swimming in the 100 meters freestyle, she clocked a personal best because there was her team mate in the adjoining lane. Jispa doesn’t have a natural killer instinct but she likes competing. It’s a bit of a paradox. I guess it’s a bit like me. Why kill something. Relax, try your best. In badminton these days, I see that I naturally raise or lower my game to the opponent’s level. I can’t get myself to kill shots and definitely I can’t play like that for extended periods of time. Possibly Jispa is like that. But I like that. A temperament for sports is not necessarily the one in life. Sports is easy. There is a winning and a pecking order. Life is more complicated. Two or more can win and must win if you want to win in the long run. The victory of one is not necessarily the defeat of the other. A bit of a difference form sport.

So sport doesn’t really teach you about winning in real life. No sir. I don’t think so. I see too many selfish people in sport. People who guard their turf. The badminton guys who don’t want to share their game or the tennis guys who routinely fight over petty issues. That’s stupid. What sports can possibly teach you – discipline, the need to listen to your body, that every point doesn’t matter, that brains are extremely important, that immediate reactions can be honed… whatever… But definitely don’t ever be selfish. I firmly believe that performance sports are dominated by really selfish people. It’s possibly an important part of the mental construct. I hate it and I hope Jispa doesn’t learn from it.

back to basics

I have struggled with dry skin since the last 6 to 7 years. Some parts of my skin on the leg suffered from acute dryness resulting in some eczema patches. Thanks to the internet I searched d a lot for it. I looked for references here and there and finally understood that dry skin is largely a factor of pollution, stress or processed foods. Given our lifestyles all of these are inevitable. How do I control either of these? Having said that, I did try and do a lot of Ayurveda therapies. Its takes some great belief in this branch of science to keep trying here. Its not been easy. Also I learnt that modern science has no known cure. At best a few shots of steroids could bring temporary relief and it comes with a high chance of a larger relapse. Fundamentally they all recommend to just simply keep the skin moist. So simple non-fragrant moisturizers work the best. All you have to do is to stop yourself from scratching the affected part. So wherever I go I am never too far away from a moisturizer. I have one in my car, in my bathroom, bedroom, office and laptop bag. I have most of the bases covered. When in doubt simply moisturize.

After getting it I realized so many people are affected by it. Now I can see the traces of it so many places. How people are affected by different sorts of it. Some people scratch and get it to bleed causing further complications. You just need to tend to it. My dad also suffered from it but not having the internet I guess he never really understood it. He had a steroid shot once to have it disappear and come back. My ayurvedic treatment managed to control it and reduce it to just a couple of spots on one leg. My doc refuses to treat it further and wants me to live with it. He says it’s not worth going for the kill. And in any case I have learned to manage it well.

Juvenile dry skin is also a huge issue with so many kids facing the problem. My guess is again bad food and bad air. Jispa swims a lot and of late she got a little bit of a dry skin problem around her nose. We used the ayurvedic red oil and saw a lot of difference. But the last bit just refused to go.

Which when I started thinking. Soap I knew is a bad thing. No soap, including dove will help. they make the problem worse. So I moved exclusive to soap free gels a few years ago. But that too were not too good the main culprit I saw was the Sodium laureth sulfate as the known allergen. So I even switched to body shop product which was without the same. Somehow I wasn’t convinced. So while thinking further I remembered that Indian tradition of having oil baths. Hmmm. That’s interesting. I also realized that my Ayurvedic doc always said to apply his oil and then have a bath. His oil is red in color and is not necessarily pleasant smelling. I also remembered learning in school that south indians as a part of tradition would have oil bath on Diwali. And of late I started putting olive oil on my skin to some decent effect. Something started to click.

Then while having a conversation with my doc he spoke about a natural loofah which called ‘pichinzha’ or something like that. Available at specific south indian specialty shops in Matunga, it is like a natural loofah. It worked well and I could see that it cleaned the body well. I was now ready for the next step.

The next time while having a shower I applied olive oil and scrubbed with the loofah and the results were amazing. Better skin, no dry feeling and clean! All naturally. Why the hell was soap invented in these times. It gets rid of sweat, dry skin and dean cells without drying the skin and according to me it works on oily and dry skin. I urged Jispa to try it. she too felt the difference and her dry skin has had a dramatic improvement. It still winter here and let’s see how it works in the summer, but it feels like heaven. Soap is out. You don’t need soap. Soap was the invention that probably helped remove real grime. But in cities we rarely have grime. Soap is good for washing hands. Full stop. The scrub along with the oil is good enough for the body. After all oil is a solvent as well for the grime. I never understood why you need to get rid of the oil from your body. The role of the oil is to keep your skin fit against germs.

Today I was researching what on earth was the loofah I was using. I knew it was organic and it looked like a weaver’s nest or something but it was more like a fruit with seeds. Here is the pic.

I couldn’t get anything by the traditional name so out of frustration I just typed in tree fruit loofah and I jumped on seeing the results. I got it and I was stunned by what I found. It’s nothing but a dried gourd. Yup. A dried gourd.

Luffa is a genus of tropical and subtropical vines classified in the cucumber (Cucurbitaceae) family. In everyday non-technical usage the name, also spelled loofah, usually refers to the fruit of the two species Luffa aegyptiaca and Luffa acutangula. The fruit of these species is cultivated and eaten as a vegetable. The fruit must be harvested at a young stage of development to be edible. The vegetable is popular in China and southeast Asia. When the fruit is fully ripened it is very fibrous. The fully developed fruit is the source of the loofah scrubbing sponge which is used in bathrooms and kitchens as a sponge tool.

The name Luffa was borrowed by European botanists in the 18th century from the Arabic name لوف lūf

In Maharashtra, India, dodka (Ridge Gourd/luffa) and ghosavala (smooth luffa) are common vegetables prepared with either crushed dried peanuts or with beans. In Northern India as well as Pakistan, Turai (thoo-raee) is the common name for Luffa.

What shit man. We eat this stuff everyday! Well, almost every day. Gourds are not really popular dishes. It’s the dish your mom makes you eat but you hate the dam thing. But they make for really neat body scrubs. In fact it so seems that the loofah word was probably taken from this luffa.

Here a picture of the Luffa cylindrical.

a delicate balance

Friday was a really tough start to a day. I felt like a complete loser. It is one of those days when you start to question yourself and especially your skills as a parent. I have always maintained that it doesn’t matter what happens to the results as long as you have tried your best and you put in a great effort.

We have had enough stress over getting a poem for Jispa to recite for the elocution. The teachers in her school don’t help at all. This is contrast to our school days when the parents were completely uninvolved in the process. This time we got a poem and it was accepted. Suddenly on Thursday evening Jasmine calls me to tell me that Jispa won the second place at the competition. I was so dam angry. Why? Not because she missed first place but we never did really have the time to practice. I taught her a couple of times and that was it. She was still nowhere near as good as she could be and she was emphasizing the words and pausing rather than one smooth flow. It was pretty irritating. Why was I not told that the competition is on a particular date.

In the morning I was angry at Jispa. Why dint you tell me? Also whenever I asked you to practice with me afterwards you always made an excuse. She told me that she would practice with her school teacher every day. But Hell… your school teacher ... she doesn’t know anything about elocution, does she? Does she teach you to vary your tone, to put the right emphasis? They don’t know anything and you think that is enough.

She told me that it’s ok nah? Wasn’t I the one who didn’t care if she won or lost? Yes, I don’t care if you win or lose, but it pisses me off to see inferior effort done. Both your mom and I put in enough stress to search for your poem. We go through tons of poems, we beg and check with other mothers for interesting poems and we then try and get one that’s interesting. So you better start practicing earnestly with us or you are in for trouble. There is a lot of work to be done and losing first place just because you have not tried enough, that’s pretty irritating. Whenever I wanted to teach her she would say that her head is spinning or its paining or give some excuse. That was really bad. I never knew that the competition was coming up so I could crank up the pressure. It seems Jispa just told Jasmine about the competition in the morning while being dropped off to school. Jasmine also said, now what to do… best of luck and do well. Wasn’t she supposed to tell us what’s going on, especially since we are involved parents and especially when it comes to elocution. Arrrggghhhhh.

This was so bloody darn frustrating. Coming close and letting go just on a whim! Jispa needs to realize the sacrifice we go through when she does something. I am happy not being the bad guy. It’s the best to be a father that is all loving and caring and doesn’t piss you off. That’s an easy one. But to have one that pushes you to do better, it requires the father to be a jack ass at times. And bloody hell that’s a difficult thing to do. Balancing the equation on both sides is a great challenge. She got a few from me that morning. And in the evening I hugged her and told her I was sorry but I really did need to know and she really did need to tell us and practice with us. She said she was sorry as well.

There – that’s that. Delicate balance achieved. An uneasy balance only to be tipped over on either side at the slightest extraneous factor. Till then – a piece of cute news. Saturday we celebrated our 14^th anniversary and Jispa had a surprise gift for us. A card for each of us and a special present. She made for Jasmine a cat out of sponge and for me she gave me a cover. A cover with cash in it. She gave me 125 bucks cash as a present. That was all she had. I didn’t know what to say. Thanks Jispa. Many thanks. Can we buy something with it later? Girls… they are so bloody adorable.

Bahut saara gyan!

I got this question in one of my previous blogs as a comment – “This question is unrelated to this post though would really appreciate your thoughts. Till what time is it alright for parents to hold the dreams/aspirations of their children ransom to religion and culture. And after what stage (if at all) is it justifiable to break free of these chains? You are free to choose not to answer at all :)”

Now I officially feel like an agony aunt on national TV.  Most of the time we get to see people with no expertise or experience waxing eloquence on things well beyond their grasp. Under normal circumstances I would have simply answered your question in one word. But these days I seem to be short of blog topics. Jispa has been growing up and all the cute stuff is slowly coming to a close. Most of the stuff I seems to have an opinion on seems to have been expressed already on the blog. What more can I write about. Or possibly my mind is currently in a state of flux. I am growing up and questioning a lot of my beliefs. Life is moving rapidly. Most the time the constant belief that remains with me is that ‘such is life, sit back and enjoy its turns and twists. That is possibly very boring to write in a blog. Just sit back and watch. How many times can I write that? There is politics at play in the office – just sit back and watch. There is politics at the gymkhana – just sit back and watch. There is politics within the team – just sit back and watch. What all can I write. Suddenly I feel like the Buddha, smiling as the world unfolds itself in front.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone going through a pessimistic phase of life. To him I was saying, sure India is going through shit, but that’s ok. When I was growing up we did not have anything to latch on to. I am happy for whatever we have. I couldn’t have imagined that I would find myself, where I find myself today. Mere pass, gaadi hai, bungla hai, paise hai… and so on. And of course like the anti hero – mere bhi paas ma nahi hai. She kicked me out some time back. Though now we seem to be getting along fine. She has made an effort not to get on my case and I have made an effort to repair those bridges. Thank god that while God gave me an ego he also gave me the temperance to allow me to swallow it. So coming back to the conversation. He seemed pessimistic about the future and on the fact that he was building white elephants. I looked back at him and smiled. These are problems of having and not problems of not having. As long as they are problems of having, they can be solved. The problems of not having are the ugly ones. He smiled at me and said that I am lucky that I have a positive frame of mind. Well, I told him that I have been kicked on my butt too many times to be negative. I can’t live otherwise. Of course I know my butt is going to be whipped and I know by whom but if I don’t care about the pain you can inflict on me then by that extension you have no power over me. He smiled again. I think he thinks of me as the Buddha. Haha. Like a colleague often looks at me and tells me ‘you have switched to Buddha mode’. I like that mode. Its helps me deal with a whole host of shit.

(side story - he gave me this link which i agree with but still doesnt dampen my CURRENT optimism - http://open.salon.com/blog/sean_paul_kelley/2009/03/26/reflections_on_india)

Jispa and Jasmine are another set of interactions to watch. They also have their own weird relationship. Jispa is growing up and Jasmine is quite the amiable person. But they can’t fight on so many things. In fact they keep fighting all the time. Till Sunday when Jispa’s vacations were on, they were having the best of time. They were hugging each other, playing with each other, walking with each other, chatting with each other… anything but fight with each other. I was amazed. This was too good to be true. This can’t be. Jispa was having a great time with Jasmine with no arguments or fights. Normally I am the peace keeper and the judge / jury between the two. But I was happy to be in the background or even in the foreground as both of them ganged up on me for some good humored fun. I have always believed that a family must be able to criticize itself and each other. I should be able to criticize Jispa or Jasmine and vice versa. Jispa had a lot of freedom to correct me and tell me what she thinks of me. She can say what she wants. Only thing I do is stop her from being disrespectful in public. She needs to avoid that. Jasmine is not so open to this. So Jispa has to learn that daddy and mommy are a different kettle of fish and need to be treated separately. That is not parenting 101, where both parents are expected to be consistent and not at odds with each other. I have often told Jispa that, a certain thing is Mummy’s idea not mine, so while I don’t endorse it, I am not going to oppose it. And I if think it’s not that great an idea, I tell Jispa about it. But at the same time I tell her that I may not be right, or I don’t have the means to implement otherwise or it’s simply not my department and hence we are following mommy’s idea. I would like her to realize that two people need not have the same idea at all times and just because there is divergence of views there need not be chaos or discord. So coming back… all the love and affection lasted till Sunday night. The last day of the vacation! Come Monday both were again on each other’s throat. That just showed one thing. Nothing was fundamentally wrong with the relationship, only that the pressures of time and duty which are inexorably linked to the clock can create all sorts of chaos for a relationship. And all sorts of complications creep in only to disappear when these externalities of time and scarcity are removed. So I have learnt to just see and smile as the world unfolds itself.

Today I was deconstructing the poem that Jispa is going to perform for the elocution. It’s about Ram and Raavan. The way I see it, it is like a bard singing in praise of the lord restoring order and dharma to the land. I was explaining that Jispa must bring out the love for the Lord when the line on Ram comes up, and then she added – should I bring about hate when the villain comes in? Well no. there isn’t really a villain in Hindu Mythology. Raavan wasn’t really a bad guy as more recent stories have made him out to be. He was a good guy, a great devotee of Shiva, his population loved him and doesn’t your own poem talk about Lanka being made of Gold. Then I helped her understand one version of the Ramayana. Raavan was a good guy but why did he go for Sita. That is because His sister Surpanakha egged him on and told him to take revenge for her humiliation. That’s because she coveted Ram and when Ram refused she asked for Lakhsman and when both said no, she tried to kill Sita; when Lakhsman chopped her nose and ears. But wasn’t that an excessive thing to do. Lakhsman need not have humiliated her. HE could have just stood in front and warned her that if you make one move I will kill you. Unnecessary humiliation that started off a war.

I am also just thinking right now. That is such a mean thing to do. One student once told me, that sir do you know so many girls have this huge crush on you. Of course I am aware. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it isnt but I would be pretty insulted if there weren’t any. Someone cool and young comes in with contrary opinions, cracks tons of jokes and has a good class, it’s easy to have a crush. I too had a crush on so many teachers. It’s ok. And I told her that I always try and treat these kids with a lot of love back. Some kids come close and touch you to hold you or try and talk to you. I try and not break their heart. I am always sweet to them and their boyfriends and everyone. After all having a crush on you, the way I see it, is a responsibility to be shouldered well. It’s a great privilege. It’s cute to have attention, but it’s also extremely important that it’s treated well. Of course it will pass like they all do. But it should pass with fond memories and not with malice. Which is what Lakhsman spread.

So that’s what he did. So Raavan came in and took Sita. But not before Sita got greedy for the golden deer. They were in the jungle so the rules of Jungle applied. Might was right and Sita could be taken by force and deception. Ram even left Lakhsman to guard her but sensing that Ram was in danger, Sita sent Lakhsman off while giving him a sharp rebuke. He made a lakhsman rekha which in simple mythology is a magical line which an enemy could not cross but in terms of meaning was simply a boundary of the house. The house is civilization where laws of civil society applied. In the jungle, might ruled. So While Sita was in civil society she was governed by the laws of civil society hence Raavan couldn’t enter. So he tricked her out and abducted her. Raavan in many ways also did not break any rules. He also did not force himself on Sita but kept her with all respect in Lanka. He too was a good man but he was proud of his powers hence he still twisted the laws and came under the influence of his sister. And Ram also sent a warning to Raavan that give me my wife back and I will peacefully leave. When Raavan refused, the war began.

‘So that’s that Jispa’. It’s not that easy. Not all are white and not all are black. Raavan was not evil. So possibly unlike what your poem suggests while he was Abimaani (proud), but not atyachari (cruel?), and Ramw as the man who restored Dharma. “what is dharma” she asked. I was lucky to have read up Dharma a few days ago and hence I explained to her that it was a simple rule or code of righteousness that ensured people did their duties. Otherwise there would be chaos. She asked if it was like paap (sin) and punya (brownie points). No. that is a point system while Dharma is a code of what you are to do irrespective of points.

So culture is possibly important as it is something that we can pass on over to our children. Religion is also part of our culture. But it can’t be restrictive. These are not chains. These are ladders, steps on which we climb over. Culture by definition must change. You must have a healthy respect for culture. That is obvious. But what is not obvious is that you must have a healthy disrespect for culture. I am not a great son (my mom kicked me out) and I definitely not a great dad (I still mess up big time), so I can’t be the right guy to tell you what is right. But I definitely don’t see culture as encumbrances. Move with the times. Step back, retain what you want, and throw what you feel. Try and understand what is culture and rituals. When Jasmine’s grand mom passed away recently I was explaining to my nephew what each of the rituals could possibly mean. why we would carry burning cow dung to the cremation center (there was possibly no fire to be found in the jungle those days), why the pot of water must be broken from under your feet and never to look behind (symbolizing the end and don’t look behind so that you leave those gone forever and possibly don’t get scared by ghosts). Culture / rituals have meaning. A lot has been lost in translation. Have the patience to understand if possible or the curiosity to translate to what you think right. The Ram story also is a bit my interpretation and a lot thanks to reading Devdutt Patnaik. There are no absolute truths, only interpretations of culture. Likely or unlikely. And in this context I see religion as nothing different from culture. So that too is always a change. You can tell stories about them, you can explain its understanding and rules. You can inspire but I don’t think you can bind. Lying, smoking, non-veg is not bad as it’s against culture, but because it’s not good. Period. But then as an adult you are free to do what you want to do. Till then home ties bind you. So in effect till Jispa listens to me, culture is binding her. But I am telling her not to be bound by it. hmm… I did tie myself into knots didn’t I? But like the name of the blog says. Opposites must reconcile. I am binding her but I am not. I am telling her not to obey anything but if she is does or doesn’t she is obeying or not obeying. Both ways it’s a standoff. Opposites do reconcile in ways we think not possible.

I have been watching few Sherlock Holmes episodes. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”. What’s the relation of this to the blog. Nothing really. I just thought of it. It’s a nice quote. Full stop.

the streets demand blood

Recently there was a case of a horrendous gang rape in the capital. It was brutal and the girl dies after battling for life. Really really bad. No two ways about it. The nation has started protesting and are... and are… standard thing… calling for blood. They want things from dead to chemical castration to cutting off the organ to everything else. They want death. They want tougher laws and … blood.

I sometimes wonder about our education system and beliefs. Everything seems to be solvable by tougher laws. That’s possibly the easy solution as the proletariat sees it. Kuch bhi kar, just get their dam blood. Sure it’s a gruesome crime, and possibly in this case the culprits would possibly get the death rap. Possibly the courts will be fast tracked, decisions taken and the rap will be issued. I sure hope the law of the land is followed and hope it does not end up being a kangaroo court and a trail by media or the public. I don’t believe in public hangings or public retribution. There are laws and they need to be followed.

Bad is bad. And I not for once, condoning what has happened. I understand what the parents are going through, what the male friend would be going through and definitely I can imagine what the lady went through. But the answer is not a bloody kangaroo court. Simply having even tougher laws or castration (chemical or physical). That won’t solve anything. On one hand we have idiots creaming for tougher laws and sending messages like the one I got a few days back. Here read on -

“For Rape 1) UAE- Instant Death Penalty within 7 days hanging 2) Iran- Instant Stoned to death/hanging with 24 hrs 3) Afghanistan - Instant death by bullet on head within 4 days 4) China - No Trial, Medical proved rape then Death Penalty 5) Malaysia - Death Penalty 6) Mongolia - Death as revenge by family 7) Iraq - Death by stone till last breath 8) Taliban - Limbs/ Legs/ All Cut Off & then stoned & then shot 9) Poland - Death thrown to Pigs 10) INDIA -full of corruption/ politicians rule, Compromise, Thinking, Trial, Bribe of 2 lacs, Rich family Kid forgiven, Abuse & Embarrassment to Girl. NO ACTION.. Even the girl dies still no charge sheet filed.. Till date Indian government is thinking=-? Share it frndz till it bcumz d voice of whole nation..!”

I shudder to think the consequences of being in any of the nations as explained. None of these nations have any women empowerment so as to think about. Women don’t want to be born again in these countries and we start using this as an example. Brutal law has its consequences and normally the biggest reason for brutal law is suppression of freedom.

And then you have the idiots on the other side who want women to dress more modestly, ban their cell phones and put them behind locked doors. That’s the other side.

 In all this there is no sane voice on what is actually required at the grass roots. How do we change the policing? How do we change the attitudes of the people?

But I guess people get the governance they deserve. They ask for stupid laws with no thinking. Always a knee jerk reaction. Knee jerk is good. Big incidents shape course of history but… dam us.. I wonder why we can’t think rationally and why we can’t let go of rhetoric. That always eggs us on. Are we that dumb a race?

When was the last time you spoke to yourself?

Experience is important. That is saying the obvious but having an insatiable curiosity with a deep urge to relate seemingly disparate experiences or incidents at every possible instance – that is what magnifies experience. I think I said much more than I can chew. But simply speaking…

Yesterday Jispa and I were trying to get her Hindi elocution right and she was saying it in her style. I told her, that’s how second grade students say it. They try and emphasis every third word. It’s like a jerky dance move. You don’t need to space out every third word or line with a space followed by an emphasis. You need to sing it, or say it in a way that it sounds straight but vary your tone to get your emphasis. Let it be a one smooth flow but the variation will allow for the emotion to get through. I explained to her while dancing and by singing and by humming. What is it that you like?

Now where did I get that theory from? I also did not know I had it in my brain till I explained it to Jispa and it did sound quite right. Then I asked Jasmine if I made sense. And then I asked her “you know where I got this from?” I realized that the genesis of this theory was in a Ted video I once saw of Benjamin Zander. Here he explains how kids while learning the piano first start by giving an impulse every note then every second and … till he reaches a point where there is only one impulse and he.. he becomes a one buttock player. Haha. Yes that’s what he says. See this video and you will love it. This is explained within the first four minutes of the video.

Benjamin Zander on Ted – the transformative power of classical music

What I loved is that I had seen this video years ago and I could relate what he saying to some other thing in life. You need a lot of experiences in life. A lot of exposures. All exposure is good. That’s what I love about my field. It thrives on multiple exposures and application of these exposures in varied places. Like when designing a motif I could explain how many horns does an Indian rhino have or using the ghariyal in another. Or using the ending of the movie Parinda to explain to the creative guy why his ending will be difficult but critical to the entire design, or some other vague stuff.

These days, as if there isn’t enough to do, I have gotten myself elected as a subcommittee member with the Matunga gymkhana swimming department. As a part of that I thought we should design t shirts and amongst other things I saw the logo. On the logo were the words in Sanskrit - Sharira maatram khalu dharma sadhanam. Which lead me to research what it means? Simplistically it meant that the Body is an instrument to fulfill your dharma.

“Any acharas (customs and rituals) which can contribute to better health fall under this category of acharas. It is told that sareeram adhyam khalu dharma sadhanam. Body is the first tool for performing the dharma. Hence health is very important factor for maintaining a dharmic life.”

Now what can I write on the tshirt. “dharma” can also be interpreted as religion as opposed to the path of righteousness, which led to me further research on what the hell is Dharma? If I need to simplify I need to be clear. It led me to more research. Amongst a lot I found nuggets of wisdom like:

“How the acharas used to get refined? It is said that acharyaath paadam aadatthey paadam sishya swamedhaya paadam sa brahmachaaribhya sesham kalakramena cha. One quarter of the acharas is to be learned from the teacher and one quarter by the student himself, one quarter by discussing with others and the last part during the process of living ( by addition, deletion, modification and correction).”

I agree. As a teacher I can only give you so much. Max one fourth. Then it is up to us to push our learnings. Discussion with others and the process of living teaches us 50% of what we know. I don’t meet to many people with whom I can discuss stuff similar to what I like but I find tons of people with whom I can discuss stuff that they like. Together they add up. And the biggest teacher is life itself. Hmm… this stuff is pretty cool.

Then I got this nugget:

“Is it compulsory that every Hindu should follow these acharas ?  It is left to his/her discretion whether to practice or not to do so. It is said that Swagrame pooranmacharas anya graame thadarkhakam pattane tu thath paadam yaatre balaath acharatheth. If you are living in your own village, follow all the acharas. If you are living in other villages, follow one half of the acharas. And if you are in a city /town one quarter of the acharas are to be practiced. But in en tour, acharas need not be followed like a child.”

This is also true and it sounded a lot like what my dad once told me. At the early stage of his career he was in London for a year. I was conceived there. And later for a large part of my childhood we stayed in Dubai. He said – when you are in a foreign country you have to be like them to enjoy that life. You have to follow their customs. Like in London you have to go to the pubs and enjoy your beer on Friday evening. That’s their culture and when you are there you have to be like them. My dad would have best understood what the Sanskrit was saying. He was raised in a small town in Gujarat and then moved to the city of Mumbai and then moved abroad and afterwards returned.

It’s true. There are rules in your life or broad principals you live by. A lot have been taught to you (yes yes in moral science class), a lot you have seen around you being followed and lot you have seen broken around you. What is important is what you learn and interpret from all that is available to you. Nothing is sacrosanct. There are no dogmas. Like another cliché ‘believe noting, question everything’. Follow your own path. A good teacher can only open your mind to a way or a style of thinking. A good student builds his life and his thinking on top of that.

That’s what I like about marketing. There are so many instances where I can take one learning and apply it elsewhere. That’s possibly what I love about teaching nd that’s possibly why I love parenting. See… writing this blog help me realized this. You don’t even need to discuss with someone to learn more. You can learn more by simply talking to yourself. When was the last time you spoke to yourself?

brain fry - stuff on moral science

What a bloody brain fry. The issue of morality and ethics is complete brain fry. The fun bit is that people with the least knowledge have the highest volume of opinion on the same. This is a topic fraught with so much controversy and it requires some amount of deep thinking to come to any conclusion on the same. In any case I don’t think one can come to any conclusion as regards the same. It can only be a matter of opinion at a given point of time. What on earth are morals? They themselves have changed over a period of time with the bar on what is acceptable constantly changing. The views change depending upon your religion and orientation. Everything is so subjective… and then we have this taught in schools by the teachers who all think moral science is so dam easy. Take care of your parents, respect the elders, speak the truth and don’t --- don’t practically everything you enjoy doing.

To my mind most of the moral science classes were taken by the class teacher or the teacher with an hour to spare. Science and math were probably the hep subjects with those teachers being the rock stars. Moral science teacher being a rock star? That one was the simple one with a stupid workbook to solve. Most of the teachers who are used to teaching that there is one answer to a solution were ill equipped to teach the changing nature of moral climate and the complete dynamic nature of it interpretation. I am sure no moral science teacher would have even heard about, leave alone dared to teach about the trolley problem. The trolley problem in its simplicity is as below but there are many various levels to it, which can be found online. Google them.

“There are two basic trolley problems. The first problem, invented by a philosopher called Philippa Foot, is that a trolley is going to kill five people on the rails. The question is whether you should turn the trolley onto another set of tracks on a spur where there is just one person. So you can save five lives at the cost of one life. Almost everyone, when you ask them that question, says you should do that and kill the one person.

Another moral philosopher called Judith Jarvis Thomson came up with another trolley problem, the “fat man” problem. The trolley is going along as before, and is going to kill five people. But this time you’re on a footbridge, and you can stop the train by pushing a fat man onto the tracks, who is so large that his bulk will stop the train and save the five lives. The question, again, is whether you should save five lives by sacrificing one. But 90% of people think it’s wrong to push the fat man.”

 I got this from an interview I was reading today. It was quite an interesting one and I would recommend it for all. http://www.salon.com/2012/12/26/when_is_it_ethical_to_kill_somone/ .

As a young kid I had a very simple approach to moral science. Like most idiots I too had a black and white approach to it. And I think that was encouraged and appreciated. You should always speak the truth; you should always blah blah… and so on. The basic principal being that there are one set of moral values that are universal and all pervasive. Some things are wrong and some things are right. Full stop. Moral Science is not a place for debate. As I learnt much much later at my own cost and on my own experience –things are not so simple.

Today morning at the swimming pool we saw a crow dipping a ‘ghatia’, (fried snack), in the water and then eating it. a lot of people have takent o feeding crows in Mumbai and the popular choice is ghatias. With me were two very religious Jain friends. My view is that feeding a scavenger home made fried food was a little out of line. The topic moved to the various well meaning ‘kabutar khanas’ in the cities. At these places, religious folks buy grain and feed them to the free pigeons. While giving them life, some research believes that this is causing an upset in the circle of life and causing the sparrow population to dwindle. Hah! Tell that to the well-meaning Jain folks coming out of the temple and doing their good deed for the day. Ethics have a similar ripple effect. There are millions of unintended and unimagined consequences of what we do and the actions we take.

Debate becomes the most important point of this thinking. Everything must be preceded by an internal debate in your mind. What is right and what is wrong. Under what circumstances has the action been taken before we sit to pass judgment? We require a cool head, deep introspection an open mind and a belief in the subjectivity of things to take a final call. This is possibly too much to ask for. I wonder why?

Currently given the fast pace of life at work and in personal life, pace is given priority over measure. And I have no issues with that. I too am a firm believer in pace. What’s the point of being paralyzed by analysis? But decision does not mean end of debate. I am not saying that subjectivity should slow you down, only that recognizing that subjectivity is present will help you think better, build bridges and open your mind.

But forget that. I think all this is too much to ask for in anyone, including myself. The philosophy at its extreme almost questions everything that we take for real, including the holy grail of the love that the mother has for a child. How did I lead here – well that’s for another day. But if you build the argument in your head, you can question everything, find a motive behind everything and question every action. Forget. It’s too much to think.

Right now also my head is reeling under all these questions. For me the simple answer is subjectivity. There is no truth, no absolute truth and no set of codified laws written on tablets to be followed. Sue your own moral compass. Do what you think is right. At that time. At that moment. Understand the moral principles governing society, and choose what you want to do. Do you want to be a rebel and turn them around or do you want to quietly cede ground or do you want to live in a duality. How people do you want to offend and how many do you want not be pissed off? I don’t think these questions were asked of us in moral science class. In fact no bloody question was asked. We were simply told what is right and what is wrong. I wish it was so dam simple.

Whose incentive is it?

I went out for fresh coconut water with a colleague. On the way, we saw this.

I told my colleague that this was the best argument for capitalism. She was like – what, how, what was I talking about? The lady brooming the street you see is not a government employee. She is an entrepreneur. She is the lady who sets up a stall in the day selling buttermilk. She typically sells it for the tired and sweaty commuters as well as the office folk who walk out after lunch. And she mixes her buttermilk right there. Since she sells food stuff, she obviously likes the place to be clean. Office goers like to drink buttermilk in a place they assume to be clean and hygienic. She doesn’t want dust flying about. After she finished brooming she splashed water on the street so that the remaining dust settles down as well. She did a good job of keeping her environment clean.

A case of where the government fails miserably while the private sector does a great job free of cost, without prodding. Economic interests dictate human behavior. The sweeper hired by the government has no incentive to sweep well. If had done his job she wouldn’t have had the need to clean the place. But the fact is simple, the way it is structured, the lady has an incentive to clean up and the sweeper has no incentive to clean it. Incentives. We simply respond to incentives.

I was listening the other day to a freakonomics podcast on incentives and children. How you must incentivize good behavior. Some study they did and it showed that kids respond well to incentives. No surprise here. But another interesting thing that a typical parent with a girl will tell you – they found no correlation between incentives and young girls responding. The girls were sweet or behaved because they wanted to and not because they were incentivized. I can tell you from experience and from other parents talking – you can’t really give girls money and ask them to behave. You can’t cut their pocket money for bad things and stuff. We tried a lot of things with Jispa – giving cash, interest and stuff. Nothing worked. She will best respond to emotional blackmail not money. That’s the way sweet girls are. To make her do something I have to make a face not reach for my wallet. Oh lovely girls. They are the best!

what you sow, so will you...

Yesterday we had the good fortune of going for the special exhibition of artifacts from Egypt, courtesy of the British Museum which had collaborated with Mumbai’s own Prince of Wales Museum. Normally the Mumbai museum all these years was a very staid place with little changing but the quality of exhibits kept me going and I loved taking Jispa there. First we used to take her to the Natural history section, then we took her often to the other parts of the museum. I loved rediscovering the museum with her.

Of late the museum is begging to get a new lease of life. It seems that is courtesy the new museum director who is proactively trying to do stuff. There are small small activities like getting your favorite animal rubber stamped at a table near the section or a stamp of some symbol or something. Next to it is a donation box in exchange where you can put in whatever amount you want, in return for getting a card with the rubber stamps. There is also a place where you get yourselves some head gear and get yourself photographed in in. the last time we went to the museum, we had visited the special exhibition from China which had two original soldiers on display from the famous terracotta army.

This time the Egypt exhibition was in a class of its own. There was a ton of PR preceding the exhibition. It’s here on display for around six months so there is adequate time for a lot of people to see it. AS we approached the entrance we saw there was a counter for the audio tours, reasonably priced at 70 bucks a guide. We took three as we were three adults with four children. After we had taken it and paid up we saw one counter where one young lady was sitting with an official badge. Over her head was a sign announcing guided tours in Hindi, English and Marathi. I asked the young lady if we could get a guided tour. She said of course. In English? I asked. Yes. Ok cool we are on. So I told my group that we have a guide and off we went on the tour. Our guide, Stuti was a young first year arts student. She was amongst the best guide we ever had. She held the attention of four kids, explained the Egyptian terms to them in an easy manner while using words like cool, dudes, rocking, silly etc while questioning the attention of the kids by asking questions of stuff she had already said. She rocked. She was patient for the complete 2 and half hours we took. The exhibition was also lovely with a lot of artifacts and around 4 real mummies. Wow. That is so cool. At eth end, Spoke to her “thank you Stuti, it was lovely. Do we owe you anything”. “nopes, she said, its free”. “ok, would it be appropriate if we still gave you something”. “no, no. but thanks a lot” she said with a  lovely smile.  Cool. We left thinking what a swell job she did. And not for money or any tip, but because she wanted to do a great job. While we walked out we saw a corner selling some Egypt branded curios of decent quality. We thought we should buy her something. So we bought a note book with the kids signing and writing some stuff at the back page and we got the kids to gift it to her. She resisted a while, but then Jasmine explained that it’s only a book and it’s signed with some notes, so she could actually accept it.

That experience left me with some hope. The museum is changing and what I understand is that it’s because of its new director who is trying to bring about change and bring it into the people’s realm and imagination. The staff also suddenly seem very polite and welcoming. Things are changing. If the museum can change thanks to the effort of one man, then a lot can.

Today I was discussing with HR. On Monday we had a Christmas celebration with some games to be played in the evening. Very few turned up and we finally had teams after we sent some emissaries to drum up guys to play. All those who played, played heartily and had a great time. The HR chic was complaining that we are like this only. No one comes. I explained it’s the culture of our firm and this culture comes from the top. While we played, which cabin guy on the floor except me was enthusiastic about the games? People only do what they think they are expected to do. You will party and then be jammed for it or be typecast for it. Who would then want to come in and play? Do the bosses actually want you to enjoy or play lip service to HR initiatives? It’s almost like these fun and games are for non-serious, non-managerial staff. Why would people come?

All these years I have learnt, change comes from the top. One man with energy like the Museum director can bring about change and enthusiasm that can possibly help a million others dream. Jispa now knows (and me of course) what exactly does a Mummy look like. My team knows that taking part in fun events is good and that helping HR organize like their boss does is an even better thing. Go out, do stuff. Change start from you, especially if you are higher shit. Like I told the HR lady, which father is the right guy, the one who says – here is ten bucks enjoy your vacation or hey, it’s your vacation, let’s go and play in the garden. You get the culture you deserve.

I can, i really can, see this...

Paintings. I love people who can paint, people who have control over their hands. I could never paint for anything. The colors would run into each other, the paper would get extra wet, the table would get messy, we would not have enough space, my mind would run faster than the pain and generally, it would be a really bad job. And invariably I would do something wrong and then try to patch it with something else and before you know it my masterpiece is finished.

Jispa has been using Jasmine’s new smart phone (galaxy note) to paint. She uses one of the aps to draw and color stuff. Once on the vacation when I had time, I drew some stuff along with her. I tried to teach her different ways to look at things. Some little imagination. Not that I am a great art teacher. I am possibly a bad teacher but at least I could improve her tree. After which I have been thinking about fiddling with my phone. Also in the meanwhile I discovered Instagram and the fun you could do to pictures. And then some more searching revealed the recently launched pixelexpress which lets you fiddle around like crazy with the mobile phone. Many years ago V-inu and I had been to the ardh-kumbh mela in Allahabad and we met a photo journalist. An absolute brilliant photographer who only moved around the whole day with a camera with a 50mm lens and would shoot stuff. I was the amateur, while V-inu was the budding enthusiast and Ben was the champion. The rule they had in photo journalism was that once you click it you can tinker around it with too much. Cropping was ok, but adding stuff was a strict no no. Ya sure. But now I am discovering the fun world of cell phone timepass. I click, I edit, I add effects, colors and have fun. Its opened up a brand new creative side of me that I knew existed but never understood how to use. And I fiddle with two softwares to get the desired effect.

After Jispa started using the phone to paint, I was hunting for a painting software. I downloaded one a few days back. It’s not that great and intuitive but it was pretty decent and once you get the hang of it you kinda get used to it and the different stuff you can do with it. So o played around with it entire day yesterday. I managed to paint something. Amongst the little stuff I could paint – a sun on the horizon and a tree in the foreground. Then I finished my painting and then used the photo editing software to fiddle with it, change the contrast, add some texture, change the light, the focus and the border… and voila… there is a ‘painting’ that I am proud of. It’s not that great, but it looks like a painting to me. It’s what I wanted to paint. That is it. It’s mine, all mine. My imagination, not copying anyone else’s or anything else. It’s beautiful as I see it. Man I am so proud of it. I kept showing it to Jispa. Jispa was like “you really like it, nah?” Yes of course. I love it. It’s not the painting… it’s the fact that now I could paint. I could express myself in some way. I could in effect create something. I feel like a child showing off my first big painting. Yes I CAN PAINT!.. yipeee. This stuff is strong and powerful. Its feels light and liberating. Here is the painting or should I say pic…

This stuff is likely to grow. You are likely to get more such stuff done by simple people off the road. I always maintained that in the new world you did need to know how to paint. Powerful softwares like corel or photoshop will help you achieve everything you wanted to. But now I want to see this – school children learning to paint on their tablets. No need to buy colors or paint brushes and no remarks in the diary – ‘paints not brought’. Ya my arts teacher actually used to write that remark. Just paint.

You know the real killer app of the software is the ‘undo’ button. I used it so much. I kept painting, kept undoing, kept experimenting, kept undoing…. Wow. This is so cool. Now I think I will even take photos and mash them up with the sketching tool and get something cool! It so unburdens creativity. Now I guess I understand how Steve Jobs was so cool and how he made a profound impact on the world as we know it. Design… the ease of use of technology, the simplicity of applications… all these must be credited to him. Yes. I use android but I know all this is a gift from him, his vision and inspiration led to all of this. You have to give it to him. I bow to you. thanks.