talk to the MAN

We are professionals. I work in an office and in a large setup. I know what it is to make an organization move and I know how the inter-politics work. And thanks to a lot of wisdom gained I assume I might be smart enough to understand a little about how the market dynamics are.

Earlier when I would speak to an entrepreneur, I used to be a little … haughty… I guess. I probably thought that the entrepreneur would never know the real way a large organization works and the thinking we put into a product. I thought that we are as a tribe smarter than what he is. But over the years I have learnt to respect the wisdom of the businessman. Whatever little he knows has greater value than whatever much I might know. I realized that finally that is the guy who takes the risk fundamentally. He is typically closer to his customer and while he may not have any theoretical construct he makes up for it by having passion, drive and of course the associated headache.

So I find it funny when someone like him comes to take advice from me. I think there is an interesting creative tension happening. He knows his beans but at the same time he also knows that the guy on the other side has some secret sauce that he is eager to learn from. There are systems and processes that a big firm guy knows that an entrepreneur never is exposed to. Or basically learns the hard way. They struggle with this construct. Managing systems and processes while growing crazily is a  marathon task. Typically systems are put in place once the growth rate slows down. Because while you are growing there is no use of a system. A system would make you slower and less responsive to change and adaptation.

So when talking to a entrepreneur my premise is simple – he is always right. He will know more than you and will always be better informed. Even if he isn’t. Its actually not as complicated as it sounds. It’s basically the frame of mind I put myself in when I am talking to him. This way I don’t get too arrogant while talking to him and genuinely start listening to him. Because there are so many times that the guy must be actually doing things without even knowing he is doing it.  Only when you think in this manner can you really understand and dig for clues as regards his behavior. Only then can you have a conversation that is enriching to both. And advice is never what he should do – but it is always what I see with my limited vision. Things that have helped me in my daily life and from that it is up to him on what he wants to take. It is essentially the same thing when you talk to anyone else. You have to essentially talk your experience without really thinking that the same is simply transferable.

I love these businessmen who have set up their own businesses. They have a way of doing things that have got them this far. I love to see them think and see them wondering about change. Some are constantly looking to change and some are constantly trying to maintain status quo. If anything I get a great deal of learning from talking to them. They probably don’t know but I too look up to them in some way. Finally I too take risks on the job, large ones but I know that my risks are not threatening. Sometimes these guys have to take risks that will forever change their lives and possibly take them to a newer orbit.

Hence the premise is always simple – you are right. Now let’s see where we can go from here. Its funny how this has happened over a period of time in my life. When did I swallow my arrogance and when did I decide to move my thinking. Possibly it happened when I realized that I don’t know more than I know and that not all that you know is right. But chuck that.

Coming back, I have also learnt that theoretical constructs are still very valid to anyone. The more I have understood about them by teaching and applying them the more I realize the wisdom in them. Even unstructured situations and growth can be better managed and understood if you have a lens through which you see them. There is wisdom that people have gathered over the years and they come out in these theories that are being made. The trick is to catch the theory, apply, seek for deviations and trust yourself enough to wonder why the deviations occur when they shouldn’t.

I have applied certain theories more than others and more I apply the more I see them (certain ones) as being right. it has improved my understanding of them. The problem is when I have to explain them to the entrepreneur he finds it difficult to catch them. In fact he tends to dismiss them as theories so I have to do the difficult thing and don’t present to them as such. I have to push them in different ways and lead to the same result. It’s a very difficult job. An entrepreneur typically knows his current problem and whatever you say he is constantly trying to find the solution to that problem. He is hunting for solutions to the problem he sees and therefore quickly loses interest if it does not fit or quickly catches a solution he sees a fit. They are always thinking fast and I find it difficult to hold intense conversations with them which require deep thinking about a particular issue. They are used to fast processing…. Quick in quick out kind of processing. I think at first I would try and catch them with a 100 different cases and possibly try to dazzle them with knowledge. But that is of no use to him. So I talk to him, understand from him and then try and just have a simple conversation using his examples and words. This way we possibly reach a better solution that is truer to his real problem.

They learn more from heart to heart conversations than from gyan distribution sessions. The gyan shit is needed for the MBA trying to look smart but the real work is needed by the business man to stay alive, relevant and promising. It’s the real thing man.

naya daur

It’s always nice to talk to more and more people. Especially from those you can learn from and those who can learn from you. Teaching is my passion and I have had strong bond with all my students. I have kept that relationship very strong with my students and I always am there to lend a hand whenever they reach out to me. They get in touch for personal or professional issues and I feel that I should always be there for them. It’s a special relationship that is built on something different from everyday life. I treasure it.

Yesterday I was invited by one of my students to give a lecture to his team on the stuff we do on digital and the way I see digital progressing. And his is a digital agency to start with. I have come a long way in the last three years. I have invested most of professional life and practically staked my career on digital. Digital is it. The problem now is getting the other idiots to recognize the value of what I see in digital. But that is another story. It was a nice talk (I think) that I gave and I think it was well received. I have learnt to talk and crack a whole host of jokes while doing so. It just gets the engagement levels going up.

Afterwards the best bit was talking to the student who has now grown up to be a fine business man leading a team of 100. We were talking about various things in life. The nice bit is always when your student grows up and the conversation is from one adult to another. It’s no longer a top down talk a teacher would have with a student. The healthy respect is still there but fundamentally its an adult adult talk on various aspects of life.

One of the things he said was that he loved this blog of mine. To which I said that I don’t know. These days the blog has been floundering a bit. As I explained to him I realized that the blog seemed to have lost its voice. I think the blog has had different tones of voice over the years. To my mind there have been three so far. Now it needs to find a new voice for itself, for myself. Of course the thing is that parenting is going to be difficult. And it will have new challenges. That’s old hat. I have said that a million times there is nothing new about it. But there is so much else to be talking about. So many incidents to share, so much else to think aloud on. These days my opinions have been tempered, so what they still are there… lets bring them out.

Another thing I realized that I was so happy to see him married and settled. I loved to talk to him and his wife (who runs the business with him). I almost have paternal instincts with my students. Any guy who marries anyone I think – that a nice bride he has got and hopefully she will take care of him. And any female student marries, I think what an ass of a guy she got, I hope he takes care of her. I don’t think Jasmine understood this when I explained this to her. I think it’s a fatherly thing.

So now – I have to find my new voice. Let me try and not get too serious. Let me try and speak about various other things in my life. There are so many things to talk about, speak about and blog about. Let me try and discover my ‘now voice’.

Because most of all I need to enjoy my blogs. It can’t be tiresome bore that it became in the last few months. Complete bakwas. I normally don’t read my own blog ever. I must never ever read any entry of mine but I can’t not have fun writing it. So let’s try and get a new voice. Let’s try and write some random stuff. Let’s see where it leads us. Can I get a new voice of my own?

stomp boom

You see this on the road and what do you think?

Boys will remain boys. When we were growing up these tetrapacks of Frooti were great while full and even more fun when you finish off the liquid. You then basically opened it out, place it on the ground and go STOMP. There would be a large BANG and that would mean a free cracker. Wow! Once I learnt about it from my friends I used the trick to stomp an empty pack wherever I saw it. You don’t care who threw it on the road, all you did was go stomp and bang.

This went on real fine till one fine day when I was still in school I was walking near Kings Circle (I remember this very well) and I chanced upon a pack on the rod. Yes a pack waiting for my stomp and bang. I lifted my leg and let down with a STOMP. A BANG followed and then I was completely taken aback by what happened next. The dam pack was a brand new pack with Frooti inside. I remember seeing in slow motion the yellow liquid bursting through and I was trying to avoid it and a large amount of it flew to my pale blue faded denims to soak them with a sticky sweet yellow liquid. Yuck. Imagine if a glass of mango juice spills onto you.

Once while flying back from London on a business trip as we were taking seats the stewards had placed a glass of mango juice on every seat. Now why would they do that? Why would they put a glass before the passengers are seated and comfortable? That’s a British carrier for you. They don’t care. You are to get your free drink so the faster I put it on your table the better it is for you. You can then come and get uncomfortable trying to maneuver into place while not spilling your drink. That’s the shit bit. As luck would have it, it spilled on my seat and there was yellow sweet sticky liquid over my precious business class seat. The steward tried to clean it with tissues but you can’t really clean a juice spill properly with at tissue box can you? Luckily they had another free seat or else I guess the freaks would have had me sitting on that seat. To hell with business class getting better service or the sort.

So coming back to the pack on the street. Post the earlier incident; I never did ever burst a tetrapack ever again.  Especially the laawaaris ones you find on the street. No way. Every time I see a pack lying unflattened, I am tempted but then I am reminded of my escapade from nearly 25 years ago and I stop. Let an unBOOMED tetrapack remain unboomed. Someone else might come and enjoy that. I am staying away.

And while we are at it – here is one nice dance number going boom boom boom…

And just on dance hits – this song is the greatest hit with those under 13 years old… they dance like crazy with steps and all and they can listen to this all day long…

Radha from Student of the year. I can’t understand how the kids love the movie and this song. With my daughter nd her gang wanting to listen to this all the time I have now begin to hum it at times. Oh god…

its awesome fun

To continue in the same vien with the last post… yesterday I was left alone in the morning with Jispa. My job was simple – feed her breakfast, get her to do homework and the practice math.

First things first – breakfast. That meant looking in the fridge for interesting things to eat. We had the Khulchas and then we had the zataar powder that we bought from London. One of the lovely bits of the London trip was a visit to the Edgware road which has these amazing rows of Lebanese restaurants. The fun bit is that the cuisine is a delight for vegetarians as well. We were spoilt for choice there with the amazing veg offering. In our naivety we entered the restaurant and asked – is there veg on the menu, he almost choked while answering – of course. I had been told about the street, but our host in London had recommended it highly and that’s why we ended up going. That was where we bought zataar to bring it back home. Made in Lebanon to be shipped to London to be brought back to India. So much for food miles.

So breakfast yesterday was fixed. Jispa loves zataar as well. After Jasmine left, I took the khulcha and put the zataar on it. Then I put shredded cheese all over it. Then olives and then a cheese slice. The cheese slice is yellow and the shredded cheese is white. So it gives an interesting coloring to the whole thing. Then in the micro it goes for a minute. Remove it and crumble feta on it – voila you have three cheese zataar khulcha. We absolutely loved it.

Post breakfast we sat to do our homework. I can’t really help her in Hindi. She asked for the Hindi translation of Sports day which I promptly asked Google. It was boringly apparent as ‘khel divas’. Then we got to the math. Here Jispa had to do fractions. After a few sums, I realized that while Jispa knew the sums she wasn’t really very clear about the fractions. She couldn’t visualize the problems. What then happened was a one and half hour session on fractions. Different sets of issues, different problems, different ways of looking at things. I was explaining the basic concepts of fractions to her. Then we went on to LCM and why we need LCM to add or subtract fractions. This helped her quite a bit. She was simply learning how to do the method without really understanding how or why. This way she could solve a few fractions directly without even using the paper. I don’t know how it might have impacted her immediately in helping her solve her sums faster but surely she walked away with a better understanding and a lesser hate for math.

Math is fun, it’s logical and it’s amazing. It’s evolved so beautifully. The multiplication and division and the fractions. They have a life of their own. I love them and now I love the fact that I am reliving them. I too did not know so much about them. While explaining to Jispa I am forced to look at them with a beginner’s eye. Then I am forced to bring them down to simple equations and situations and then look at them fundamentally. I broke it up into pies and pies and how you can get different parts of the pies to add up. I never did see them that way before. It was lovely and Jispa too loved it. She did get scolded in the middle but in the end she still loved it. I guess I must take more such lectures with her. And now I felt that we should have a white board in our home as well. The current one was designed for Jispa to access while she was three.

So Jispa and I are having some fun with math. Then today morning while driving her to the bus stop I asked her again if she enjoyed the session. She loved it. Then suddenly a thought stuck me and I asked her….When you multiply two numbers by each other – let’s say 7X7 you get a bigger number… But when you multiply two fractions ½ X ½ you get a smaller number… why?

Oops… it stumped her and me together. If multiplication is merely repeated adding then ½ X ½ should be 1, then why is it ¼

It took me some time to clear this out in my mind as well. 7X7 is seven TIMES seven and if you do seven multiplied by half you do… seven times half.  So I explained to her that seven into 1 is seven. Then seven into any number less than 1 will be a lower number. And hence ½ into ½ is half of half, hence a smaller number. So any number multiplied by a fraction has to be a lower number.

It seems so easy now. But to suddenly think of it and then logically solve in your head was so much fun. Especially with you 11 year old daughter. I loved it. The only problem is that I can only do these on Sundays or Saturdays when her exams are not on the head. Else it’s up to mom to ensure regularly work happens.

Mom and dad are in many ways opposites reconciling into each other to make parenting as a whole work. Its good fun going up with my daughter.

teach

Sometimes I wonder where do I get all my gyan from. Sometimes when talking to someone I amaze myself. I also did not know I knew all this before I actually ended up speaking to someone about it. I know a lot of reading helps. Most of the time you just dip into your memory and figure out something that you actually read once upon a time and at the right time you were able ot dig it out for complete effect. That’s the easier one to fathom. But the difficult one to fathom is the one that you never knew at all. Like sometimes when I teach math to Jispa – I too did not know that I knew what I taught. Simple stuff that comes out mostly as logical deduction more than anything else. Like the other day spoke about the concept of infinity. How anything divided by zero is not zero but the answer is infinity (or indeterminate as I just learnt from google). Explaining this to Jispa was a nice tough challenge. But after explaining the concept explaining a practical example was even more fun. To keep it short – I explained how if you invested 100 bucks in a lemonade stall from your pocket money and made 50 bucks profit your profit percentage is 505 but if you borrowed that money from someone and you made 50 bucks then your Return on investment is – infinity (or indeterminate). That was fun.

We have been talking about a few things about town planning and today she wanted to discuss it further. I explained that town planners need to understand Brownian Motion. Each dust particle is impossible to predict but a group of them are fairly predictable and stuff like that. Planner need to understand this and make their planning. It was good fun.

Teaching is always fun. It’s the best way to retain what you think you know. There is some concept of unconscious knowledge that resides in all of us. Teaching brings this unconscious knowledge to the conscious self. I love teaching. Teaching keeps my mind running active and alive. The other day my digital agency wanted me to take a class for them on their offsite. They asked for stuff that I normally teach in any case in colleges. One thing stood out from the entire experience. They asked me for what presentation material I might require – projector etc. On no. nothing – just a white board.thats it? No slides no presentation, nothing. No dudes. I know this concept like the back of my hand. I have been teaching these for many years now. That’s the real test of knowing something I guess. So I took what was a roughly 6 hour lecture with only a white board (large). I know what it is.

This knowledge that I try to pass on to my students helps me in so many ways. It improves my grasp of the subject, makes me conceptually clear and makes me revisit the logic again and again. I have found new logic, new criticisms of the model and reinforced my beliefs in them. It’s so important to think aloud. All my conversations with Jispa help me as much as all my teachings with anyone else. Finally it’s a sum total of all things we do. Reading, talking, listening, teaching come together in a potent combination. The thing is to have enough of it.

The fun side is that when you meet a lot of people and read other stuff, you gain a great ability to see the bullshit from the stuff being thrown at you. It’s not easy for people to just simply lob pies at you. You know what shit is being thrown and you can quickly ask the most pertinent questions disarming the pie chucker. It happens in meetings all the time. Never stop learning and never stop teaching what you have learnt.

Coming to random rubbish. Here is one shit piece I saw on the internet. Read and laugh about loud. They say planning a trip gives a high level of happiness and after the trip you feel unhappy. Well that’s pretty intuitive but their conclusion is worth a million bucks – plan a trip but don’t take it…

Plan a trip – but don't take one

 As opposed to actually taking a holiday, it seems that planning a vacation or just a break from work can improve our happiness. A study published in the journal, Applied Research in Quality of Life showed that the highest spike in happiness came during the planning stage of a vacation as employees enjoyed the sense of anticipation: In the study, the effect of vacation anticipation boosted happiness for eight weeks. After the vacation, happiness quickly dropped back to baseline levels for most people.

If you can't take the time for a vacation right now, or even a night out with friends, put something on the calendar—even if it's a month or a year down the road. Then whenever you need a boost of happiness, remind yourself about it.

I am reminded of a joke once told at the family dinner table.

Once a guy took a cockroach and cut one leg and said – run. The cockroach ran. Then he cut one more and said – run. The cockroach ran. This went on till the cockroach was left with one leg. Run – the cockroach still ran as best as he could. After all the legs were cut and the guy yelled – RUN. The cockroach refused to move. The guy wrote in his science journal the conclusion – after cutting six legs of the cockroach, the cockroach turns deaf.

play well

Sports is a big thing for me. I feel as a child we came back to India when I was in the fourth standard and possibly we couldn’t devote enough time to sport as needed. Now I am into sports with a vengeance. So right now my car’s boot is always ready for sport and it always has the equipment and other paraphernalia ready for any sport. I am ready to play every day. Right now I am having a whale of a time. I swim, play water polo, badminton Sunday afternoon underarm cricket and I run. That’s a whole of a lot of activities to be done. Its tiring and I am not so sure how much the body can keep in pace, but for now, I am enjoying it and quite frankly I don’t really care too much on other stuff.

The greatest fun I get from this sporty endeavor of mine is the sports equipment. I love having the equipment ready to play. And I like buying decent quality stuff. You should have the right footwear and the right racquets and other stuff. No point compromising there. Jispa’s swim bag always has adequate equipment. She has two three eye goggles, one specialized for back stroke (dark mirror finish), a few swim caps and a lot of costumes. Normally she needs one but during her swim meets she needs one for every race. This is done so that after every race she can dry herself and get ready for the next race in a dry costume.so she need not run to change in a wet costume.  I saw her smart looking costumes drying together and felt nice.

Now she started running so she needs specialized running shoes. We took her to the sports shop where she tried on her shoes. If she is going to run a bit she might as well buy decent shoes. Again here I think Jasmine and I are living our childhood through her. She bought the Ultra light Skechers. They were expensive but I don’t think I found them expensive. I don’t think sports equipment is expensive at all. Surely they are high priced but considering that you are going to play all the time in them, pound the floor a gazillion times in them, they are to my mid worth it if you find them comfortable. In fact I think Jispa’s shoes are more expensive than any I must have bought for myself. But hell, if you must play a sport, play it well. I do think she needs running shorts as well but that is Jasmine’s territory and in any case it too will come when the time is right.

 A lot of this is wasted over the years. We surely have more swim goggles then we actually need, there is a little amount of waste but when you swim as much as she swims and you train as hard as she trains this is but a small price to pay. Equipment must not stop you from performing. There are swim suits for 40 thousand bucks as well. But they are designed to shave off 0.01 seconds. That too at an international arena. They won’t work at our level. For one – there so much a technique will do, secondly, we have manual stop watches with a greater error rate for timings. It just won’t help as much. When she comes to that level, hopefully I would manage to afford that much. There is one champion who I see comes from a very modest background. I see her swim. Her swimming costumes, cap and goggles aren’t branded at all. She swims with heart. At our swim meet I had a few prizes to give out; I just called her out quietly and gave her the kickboard. She is awesome. She swims lovely. When you see the other contestants coming in their Audi SUVs and wearing expensive costumes and caps, I love to see her dad ferry her in a scooter and I see her dive in with heart and come out trumps. That’s my favorite champion.

Sometimes I feel we give in too much. Should we do less? It’s a delicate balance. I like to let Jispa get her stuff, but I try to tell her to value it. She had a circular from school taking them to a ski trip in Swiss mountains or something. Priced at an awesome 2.7 lakhs or something. Jasmine asked her if she wanted to go. Of course she said yes. Then I stepped in and put a price perspective, explaining the cost of our holidays. “In that case “she said, “nopes, I don’t think so.” Many times when we are buying costumes and the costumes look and feel the same, I simply ask Jispa to consider the price as well. Yesterday we bought the Skechers but while she was trying out the Nike shoes I told her to see prices between the ones she liked. Don’t buy what you don’t like, but between two you like, check the tag dude. It’s cool to check the tag and buy. Completely cool.

 In fact as a marketing person I find it stupid not to check the tag. Is it worth it?

run

Today I ran.

Jispa has been doing pretty good at her swimming. She recently beat a whole of top draw players to emerge as the silver in the back stroke. She’s also been clocking good timings in the rest of the strokes. This is a good thing. We have been thinking about starting her land training as well. Basically the theory goes that you need a secondary sport to augment your swimming. It helps you develop other muscles than those worked for swimming. Earlier Jispa was doing her taekwondo in school until a change of teacher ensured she hated the sport and she stopped it. Jasmine and I were searching for an alternate.

The running bug has caught up with a lot of people and thanks to this a lot of running athletes have become/ started taking running clubs / coaching schedules. Jispa has been amongst the top runners in her standard. But her running style is quite horrible. Her jogging style is also quite bad. She runs taking extra-long strides making her action a kind of jumping hop run. Her jogging is a scrape at every step. Nevertheless she is fast and hence she was selected for her interschool.

I have tried teaching her to run in the past. She always over corrects and I am left frustrated. I surely don’t know how to teach to run. She is better off without me as her running coach. So having no option we took Jispa to a running club with a coach. Hopefully she may learn and it’s a form of a land exercise. We hope it works well without tiring her out. On the first day she ran while Jasmine and I took a stroll. Seeing the runners I was motivated to start running myself.

I love running and I love the rhythm and the fact that it’s such a simple way to push your body. I love it. But I had to give up running after my knee kept dislocating on the slightest provocation. A jump or a false move or any such aggravation. I tried being active by swimming and playing badminton. I have learnt to be more careful and avoid certain movements. But I hate not being able to run, especially run fast.

So today on the second day I gathered courage to start running as a part of the club. I thought I could surely keep pace with Jispa at the run. I was so scared. In the morning I woke and spent an agonizing five minutes trying to gather the courage to run. I almost did not make it. It was a scary fight I had with myself. Finally I decided I can run. Stay in control and run, I told myself.

At the ground I stretched with Jispa and started jogging. It’s a bit of rusty leg with running muscles being dormant. They required a bit of coaxing and I was jogging with ease in some time. I refuse to put extra pressure. I felt nice with the little that I was doing. It’s a start, a lovely start.

I hope to continue with this for some time and see where it takes us. No big hopes, no promises, just simply picking up the bits of my ability and my knee and starting to run. It’s a big thing for me. I love to run and I was denied my love for some time now. And now thanks to Jispa who knows– I may be able to run again. Afterwards during the morning I could feel the muscles around the knee, as if they have got a good exercise. Let’s see how this dam thing progresses.

I want to run, I love it. It’s going to be tough and I hope I don’t screw it up. The trick is to understand the limits and work within them. It’s a delicate balance.

tischiawn

This is freaking hilarious. So would it be Clint Eastwood or Bruce Lee? To someone who grew up on a diet of Clint Eastwood films and was fed the one magic film of Bruce Lee, it’s a tough choice to make.  On one hand you have the legend wooden face who came in these spaghetti westerns (called so because they were produced by the Italians) and shot the shit out of the baddies. On the other hand you have the one film wonder. I think he has come in a few more movies, but Enter the Dragon was the only movie I have seen of him. I think the tragedy was that he died before its release making it a bigger cult. I would emulate both in my childhood depending on the movie I had just seen. Enter the dragon was I had seen many times. In Dubai, when I  was a little boy, the club would have a movie night every week and we would look forward to it. Largely the movies were repeated and Enter The Dragon was favorite. Yaaaiiieee. There comes my Karate chop.

Like any other boy I too had an interest in guns. I loved guns and it helped that I was naturally good at aiming and keeping my hand steady. I loved the guns I had and would play with them every day. even today I would love to play and practice with a toy gun :). I remember playing so much that once the servant in the house put a really small parrot toy in one corner of the room and challenged me to hit it from the other side of the room. And whack… it flew. I was pretty cool. Then I remember trying to hit while moving and all sorts of different situations. It was fun. Clint Eastwood gave me a lot to dream of.

So for sheer breadth of movies and the dreams that followed guess in my head it was clint Eastwood that won. After all I don’t remember ever wearing that yellow track suit but I do remember wearing cowboy boots. The cowboy western image is still more resonant with me that the lanky pants flexi kick kung fu. Guns defeated the nang chaku in my life. Aiiiieeeee….. yaooo… Bang. Poop.

And nothing else exemplifies this philosophy than this scene from the greatest of them all – INDIANA JONES. The epic adventurer, searching the worlds for lost treasure and an unlikely action star.

And here is another legendary one from a Clint Eastwood movie, though not featuring him.

Alexanderian grace

Jispa is getting her teen attitude and she isn’t so much of a push over these days. She can get mighty pissed with us and especially me. Today morning she forgot to take her school shoes when she left with me for her swim training. So she decided to go to school in her chappels. She had another (non-compliant) pair of shoes in the car. I asked her to wear those but she refused. Black chappels are preferable to shoes that are not completely black. Oh hell. I tried telling her otherwise but she refused and I left it at that. It’s her problem. She has to deal with the school authorities and the head. So I let her be. Then Jasmine got on her case and then both of us just let her be. Her issue. While we were waiting for the bus to come in Jispa said today she also had physical education class. Ok that was the limit. Jispa wear your shoes – jasmine and I put our foot down rather forcefully. Jispa said fine. But then she was pissed as hell. “why do you have to scold me and tell me.” “because you don’t listen otherwise” “but that doesn’t mean you have to scold me at the start itself. First tell me properly and then scold me if I don’t listen”.”sorry but on this you wouldn’t have listened to me and we were telling you about it”. “no but you shouldn’t start with a  scolding” “you start listening. I also don’t like scolding. When you were younger we would only speak sweetly, but now if you don’t get a scolding you don’t listen” “no… I do listen” “ok you promise to listen and I promise not to scold. Right now also I am talking properly” “ no you are not”…. You get the drift. Jispa and I were having a conversation in which she was pretty pissed. No she gives me a push back and she gives Jasmine a push back on a lot of issues as well.

I try to listen to her and talk to her if she pushes back, I try not to clamp her down. Speak. Talk converse. If she screams or talks rubbish when there is conversation then I raise the tempo and clamp down, but then also normal speaking and civilized arguments are allowed.

This time she was pissed as hell. She refused to give in. Then I told her “forget, your school bus is coming, you leave”. She refused to tell me bye. I told her “while going say bye dude. don’t leave like that”, She didn’t listen. In fact she made a point by telling Jasmine bye and ignoring me. She was pissed as hell. I am smiling. It’s ok.

Many years ago when my marriage was being discussed, Jasmine’s parents had to finalize the hall in which the ceremony was to take place. Earlier it was the girl’s side of the marriage that bore all the expenses. Now the progressive gujjus have a discussion. Typically marriage is borne by the girl’s side and the reception is split into half or some ratio. Or some such logic. In my sister’s marriage we had chosen a hall which her in-laws made a slight noise. Not too much but a simple question about it is also viewed very seriously. I know the big agonizing issue that went about inside my house but we pressed on nevertheless and possibly it was a non-issue at their end but it created a huge discussion at our end.

So in my marriage Jasmine’s parents were looking at a hall but that one nearer to where we stay and which was the normal choice in their family as well was under reconstruction. So you needed to look elsewhere. So they zeroed in a hall which was nearer to their house but not an upmarket neighborhood. In fact it was a pretty non-descript place. I was aghast at my parents disapproval. Those days I worked in Gujarat and when I was in Mumbai I had a showdown with them. I found my normally liberal leaning dad suddenly turn conservative. Mom was completely unhappy. I couldn’t believe that they were going against the very values they inculcated in me. How can we object with the choice of hall? They said they will pay the whole expense in any case as it was a smaller function for marriage and simple reception. I had a show down with dad on this. It wasn’t pretty. I was pissed as hell. And we didn’t speak to each other. The next day I was to leave for Gujarat and mom and dad offered to drop me to the station. Sure. I don’t think we spoke in the car as well. As I got off, I paused for a brief moment and I turned around and said bye mom, bye dad. I guess dad was waiting for me to say bye. He said bye as well. It was brief period of making up. I guess if guys simply say hi to each other – it’s reconciliation. I remember his face. He too was a bit pissed but he too let it go. It was both side giving an inch and then an el.

I am forever glad about how I behaved. I am so happy and I remember that moment very clearly. I remember that pause and I remember thinking, I must say bye. It is something I will never forget. As it turned out, that was the last time I saw my dad. I know that in the 23 odd years I would have known him he would not have held the last 23 hours against me but still, last chats are last chats. I would hated going through life knowing I refused to reconcile when I had the time. It didn't take much from me or him to forget. It’s ok to have disagreements but at the end you must part as friends, agreeing to disagree at the worst.

I have always hated parting badly. That’s not on. I always tell people to part properly. It’s not that we can’t behave in a civilized manner. Even if people mean you harm, when they leave you have a chance to sow a seed of love. Like Porus, everyone deserves to be treated in a manner that befits them. It’s for us to be Alexander. So it was history repeating all over again. Jispa was pissed at me and had an argument with me. While she left the car, like my dad I too was in the driver’s seat with mom in the adjoining seat. But this time, I tried to say bye but my pre-teen refused.

Awww. Jispa. It’s ok. I understand your rage. It’s a good thing. You are growing up. Push back is good or parents will forever be hovering around you. Just remember it’s never personal and it’s definitely never for keeps. We both are growing up. You faster than us. But in the end – my advice to you is simple. While leaving always have the grace to part well as you never know when you going to get that chance again. You can have a disagreement but do not let that take away your grace, dignity, ears, sense, responsibility and love. It’s tough but to conquer that is Alexanderian. I was really lucky once.

Read more about the epic battle here. Its quite a nice fascinating read ...  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_the_Hydaspes

is it supposed to move or isnt it?

There is nothing that WD 40 can’t solve of course with a little help from duct tape. Both together form a formidable team that can be used to solve almost everything at home.

My first brush with WD 40 was when my dad used it on so many different things. What is WD40 you ask. Tsch tsch. WD 40 is the amazing spray in a blue can which when sprayed on anything will make it move or stop it from creaking. In a home over time everything creaks. Hinges of a door, the stopper that wont stop, the swinging hinges of a swing, the fan, the rollers… everything. I remember dad would remove the WD40 can and pssssttt noise gone. Here is the classic shot of the can. You see the red straw at the side – that is the thing that goes inside the nozzle and helps you direct the spray appropriately. My memories of this bottle is always with the straw. Both would be bound together with a rapidly deteriorating rubber band that half melted and was brittle thanks to the heat.

The other thing was duct tape or cello tape as its popularly called. We would have lots of the borwn tape in the house ready to fix almost everything. Dad was an engineer. He used to have a tool kit around the house and would love to fix everything. Duct tape was the next thing he would use. Just tape it and it would be done.

I can picture my dad on a holiday in his jurta pyjama roaming around the house. Mom would complain about something and dad would examine it. He would either call for the WD40 or duct tape and then a few sprays or tears later – presto – its solved.

Just a couple of days back we had a problem at home. Our fan started giving off a violent noise. A violent creaky noise that would be difficult to ignore while sleeping. I wondered what had gone wrong. Jasmine told me that our maid Devki doesn’t reach clean the fan properly. She simply pulls down the fan blade and dens it while cleaning it. That is the classical Daniel Kahneman thinking fast and slow problem. Jasmine was thinking fast and she was jumping to a conclusion. She put two and two together, saw a cause and an effect and said that Devki must have spoiled it. Possibly the blades are bent. I wondered if we needed to call the electrician. Then I wondered if the fan would fall down on us as something as really wrong with it. I don’t why but I don’t do the ‘do it yourself’ fixing bit these days. I was pretty good at it in the good old days. But now I seem to have given up that part of me. I don’t know why but I think mind experiments are getting the better of hand experiments.

So this time I thought let me look at it myself. I tried aligning the blades. Really rubbish stuff I did. Then I switched the fan on. Still the violent noise was there. So I played around and tried to think about the source. It seemed from the hook by which the fan is hung from the ceiling. So I tried to realign the fan on the hook. It still seemed to be an issue. At varying fan speeds, the noise would stop and start. I told Jasmine that the noise is from the top and she suggested WD40. Yes. Did we have it at home? Of course she said. Wow. I forgot we had the essential ingredient at home. So we took the can – with the withering rubber band from the bathroom loft (always there) and sprayed. I felt like dad all over again. A few sprays here and there and a few more just be sure (like dad again) and we switched on the fan. Poof Noise gone. Simple isn’t it.

I told Jasmine that there is nothing you can’t solve with WD40 or Duct tape. Today as I was searching for the WD40 image I saw this image as well of the flow chart of WD40 and duct tape. It seems the world has gotten this idea well before me. Hehehe.

Classic isn’t it?

eating hats

Choose your words very carefully. You will have to eat them soon enough. But that should not stop you from still saying what you have to.

Over the years it’s amazing how words I have been forced to eat of my own. It’s not a lesson in keeping your trap shut. On the contrary just because I had an opinion and that I opened my mouth about it made me realize after many years that I was wrong. After continuing to open my mouth on a lot of issues pertaining or completely outside my realm I realized that I know jack!

You can’t really live life without having an opinion. We may or may not express it but we will definitely have it and it reflects in our actions. Jasmine and I are different in a way that she never expresses her opinion and I would always volunteer it. But that does not mean she doesn’t have an opinion. In many cases she may have an opinion and a very strong opinion. Her actions will speak louder than the words coming out. But opinion is definitely there.

Now when Jispa was born I so happy it was a girl. One of the reasons was that at least there won’t be a pressure to study. India was shining and there were many field opening out that were not directly related to studying too hard. You need have been the best of the best to make your mark. I reasoned (openely I may add) that while the girl is the same as the boy child, the society puts too much pressure on the boy child to make his mark. While the girl child can get away with whatever she chooses to do, hence the pressure to perform in class is less. While it still may be true that the society treats the boys separately, it is not true that I would ease the pressure on studying on the girl child.

As a parent I realize that Jispa has it in her to perform. She can and must do her best in studies. With her grueling swimming schedule she must make time at every available moment to study hard. From Tuesdays her tests start and we have started teaching her and pushing her to study. Earlier my stand was that keep me off the study thing. I am not going to help her study, after all these are all stupid things and don’t really test understanding.  But there are many flaws. If Jispa must have the freedom to choose then she needs to study now. And it’s impossible for Jasmine to take this burden alone. Its way too tiring and mentally exhausting. So I must pick up the studies as well. My weekend is equally ruined and not to mention, this results in strained relations with my daughter as well.

I try and teach her stuff but I am so dam bloody depressed after all this. One I have to make her study. To do that I have to shout at her. At one point while studying Hindi I whacked her with the book (not so hard though). I forget she is not a boy. It was a whack that boys don’t care too shit about. I also gave her a slap. Again not so hard. But then Jispa protested… no it’s not done. You shouldn’t be slapping me. Mom makes me study and if I don’t understand she repeats and explains again. There, I was the bad guy. I know I mustn’t raise my hand but I really don’t know how else to get her to concentrate. I never slap her or scold her on her grades. That’s a n outcome not the act. While studying, it’s so goddam frustrating. But as soon as she told me, I understood. I protested that it wasn’t hard and it’s almost playful. But she refused to accept it. So then I said sorry and I told her that no more whacks, but you need to start concentrating. It worked for then. But it still was tough on both of us. At start I don’t know Hindi well enough to teach a fifth grader. Then she writes some random stuff in her books from which I have to take up.

I should be slapping her. I shouldn’t be. Even if it’s a light one. It’s not done. My only come back is that I listen to protests and immediately make up.

The fact is that I am ill-suited to making kids study. I can make them dream, I can make them think, I can inspire, but I can’t make then study. That is one thing I can’t do, not in the current system. But I see no option for a lot of study pressure we put on Jispa. She also realizes it, she also wants to push the bar and top, but then it’s up to us parents to bear the cross. And of course eat our own words.

The more I see of life the more I realize the value of hyper-specialisation. The world belongs to specialists. Specialists who take on specific fields and are the domain experts in them. They are the ones who will inherit the earth. Standard average joes will find themselves good work but will never be able to break the ceilings. In good times and bad, it’s the hyper specialists who are constantly up on the curve and adapting to new and new changes in technology are the ones who will be in demand. The key point here is constant adaptation. A hyper specialist carries a curse. Whatever she knows will be common knowledge soon and could be obsolete sooner. So she needs to go deeper and deeper and constantly stay relevant. So I hope to push her to study and I surely hope I don’t push her to choose a field. I wish she chooses a field of her own liking and I am not forced to eat my hat then.

I have eaten too many of my own hats to the point of indigestion. I don’t want to do that. The trick is not to wear less hats but to wear more edible hats – you understand the point?

how little

When we grew up in an India of less resources we fought for more and more for ourselves. The age was characterized by have nots and an amazing string of shortages. I have heard stories (probably not apocryphal) about 7 year waitlists for cars. I know for sure that when my dad came to Mumbai from Dubai, he bought the Bajaj Chetak scooter and got it immediately by paying in foreign currency. I think it was almost exclusively available in foreign currency. A lower end brand was available if you paid local currency.

Like idiots we fought and discussed all the issues that lay before us. Corruption, economics and everything else. The big cause as we and almost everyone saw it was a Malthusian curse of over population. It was only natural to think so. When you have less to go around, you think the best solution was to have less demand to start with. Everything boiled down to lowering population. Having less children was patriotic. First I remember the family planning programs having this slogan – hum do humare do. (we two ours two), alluding to one couple having two kids.

I remember noticing when the not so subtle shift happened to the program showing one couple and the male child simply removed from the posters. It was one couple with one girl.

All of us looked forward to the China model where they strictly enforced a one child policy to curb the effects of population growth and enough and more statistics emerged which showed that while being larger for now China will soon be eclipsed by India as the most populous country the world. We would have the ignominious reputation by, I remember, something like 2035! Wow that was a scary statistic. If you thought there wasn’t enough, here – have even less. Compete with more people. Eat less food. Wear less clothes. It was crazy.

I am suddenly reminded of these arguments as on Independence Day I was at the club where there was a bit of flag hoisting and celebration. The chairman or someone got up to make a short speech and he highlighted the population problem. He obviously was from the 60’s. I sniggered to my wife that he definitely hasn’t heard about the demographic dividend. China with its one child policy has another weird set of issues. You have older population that now has a much smaller younger  population to support it. India seems to have a, what they now term as, demographic dividend. A larger younger population earning money for a smaller older population. Some even split India into four zones and talk about how the demographic dividend has already been witnessed in the west and south while the north and east are now poised for reaping the benefits while a host of factors need to be considered.

So it’s a bit of a U turn that we see. Similarly such views are also seen in immigrants. At first cities flourish thanks to the waves of immigrants that come in and then we suddenly hate them with the right wing stroking fears of ‘them’ overpowering ‘us’. Then we want to throw them out. Then different statistics come out explaining how the immigrants that come in are the best brains from around the world and that if we shut them out our own innovations die out and we as a city we will die. Today India’s (arguably) two richest cities – Mumbai and Delhi are completely immigrant led. You would struggle to find anyone in these two cities who could trace their ancestry for greater than two generations. I haven’t found any son of the soil in Mumbai at least, nor known of anyone like this in Delhi.

Such u turns are common and thanks to the amount of reading I do –I am reconciled to them. In fact the law of unexpected consequences shows up almost in everything. In a lot of my life I have seen myself turning around and questioning my own beliefs. There are two sides to the coin. These days I have been far less opinionated on a lot of issues. I have spoken of this in my earlier blogs as well. This has also led to me blogging a lot less. If you have fewer opinions to talk about you obviously are going to talk less. Unless of course you have this space and time to rant on both sides. It becomes difficult to talk to start with.

You can hear about a bit of it the demographic dividend and other stuff at this talk.

And here is the link to why population growth is required –

In fact I never would have imagined seeing a story title like this  - ‘Low Birth Rates: Causes, Consequences, and Remedies.’ Remedy for LOW BIRTH RATES? I thought that was the cure. Oh man… how little we know. How little.

http://www.becker-posner-blog.com/2013/08/low-birth-rates-causes-consequences-and-remedies-becker.html

Can you stop it?

One day Jispa old me that she has this great desire to once touch the fan while its moving. Hah! Ya sure. I told her that I wanted to touch the fan as well when I was her age. I wanted to stop the blades from moving. She said – ya she wants to do that as well. We both laughed as we shared our similar childhood fantasies of holding the blades of the fan. She told me ‘when I was small once I put a stick in the fan, thinking that I would go round round round, like in the movies.”. “ya? You serious. I have done that as a kid my self” I told her. “So what happened” I asked her. She said “nothing, the stick banged against the fan”. Yup. That’s the thing that happens. Then I asked him “do you really want to touch the fan while it’s on? There is one trick. You can touch the middle motor and not the blades. You should be fine then. Come let’s do it”. So I first touched the middle round bit and then I held her hand as she touched it. But I warned her to do it only under adult supervision. I told her that I did this as a kid. Then I narrated one incident to her. Once, (I must have been around 17/18) I wanted to check if I could stop the blades of the mixer with my fingers. So I tried experimenting with the mini boss. The hand held blender. I held the blades with my fingers and then started it. I got a deep cut in my finger and of course – the blade did not stop :) . that was my stupidity. I then tried showing her the scar on my finger. We could see a faint line. It was fun sharing these stories with Jispa. We really share the same weird ideas. How would it be to stop a fan?

A few stories that I did not tell her was that one of the things I experimented with was that I would do two more experiments with the fan. One was after I switched it off, at what point before it stopped moving altogether – would I be able to stop it. Putting my hand on the motor and increasing the friction was one. Putting a stick and even my hands on the blades when they are slower was another. The other experiment which was very successful and led to the finger in blender experiment was I would switch on the fan and then immediately try and stop it from moving by holding on to the blades. Now in a large ceiling fan that takes a lot to shrug off the initial inertia – it worked. You can stop a ceiling fan from starting by holding on to it. WARNING – any kids reading this – DO NOT TRY this at home. The fans can be of varying speed and this stuff was tried in the 90’s or 80’s. Motors and speeds have surely moved on from then on. SO since I could do that to the fan I wanted to do that to the blender. That successful experiment is not something I am going to tell Jispa about. Prudence prevailed.

But it was still fun to share a lot of these fun things with Jispa. Most of these experiments are garbed under scientific research in our brain. Once Jispa got a scolding for using nail paint in her fingers without asking. Later on I found out that it was a part of a scientific experiment on the effects of chlorine on nail paint. How long will it last while she swims.

But let me leave you with a video of a blender and stuff I would love to do at home. I think they got the amazing insight of every childhood fantasy… will the blender blend it? see all the related videos.

Choice to be reborn a hero

You are fundamentally the choices you make. Not so much as the choice itself but the act of choosing determines you.

When I first went to London around eight years or so ago, I entered the toy store Hamleys. I was mesmerized by the offerings, the toys and the whole host of sales guys playing around. It was a magical world. Of course later Hamleys entered India and I got to take Jispa there. She had grown up a lot since then and she was less fascinated by the toys and the experience. This time we went to Hamleys in London, just to see the original store.

Inside the store were guys doing magic tricks and the various different sales guys demonstrating the toys. It’s almost a pressure sale. They show you how easy and magical a thing is then almost give it to you. It’s impossible to say no. In one case, I let Jispa take it and then I chatted with her and explained that this is available in Mumbai and then she realized and put it away. It’s a difficult task to walk away from the demonstration without the product in your hand so I let her walk away with it and then in quiet the rational explanation starts. It just saves you and the more importantly the kid a lot of embarrassment. And it also teaches the kid one simple rule – just because its in your hand doesn’t mean you have to bill it :). You can always say no.

Then on one of the floors was the Harry Potter memorabilia section. There we saw the different wands of the different wizards. Harry’s wand and those of his friends. Of course the famous elder wand was also there. Plastic wands at around 40 pounds each. Wow that is expensive. Jispa felt attracted to it. She looked at me. I looked at her. She wanted one. She had a 5 pound a day budget to do what she pleases. This was easy. It was six days savings. Jispa was not a spendthrift in anyways so she was hardly spending her 5 pounds. I asked her if she was sure. She nodded. And then Jasmine and me said fair – go ahead buy your wand. She took fifteen minutes to choose her wand. She choose Harry’s wand I think. And she was happy with her choice. After a few minutes she comes back to us and tells us – no, she doesn’t want it. Huh? Jasmine and I told her to take it, no worries. We can surely afford it and we even promised that it was a gift from us. Her five pounds would remain intact. But Jispa said ‘no, I don’t really know what to do of it. I am not going to play with it in any case’. We tried to assure her but she was clear.

Now that’s a bit of character. A bit of growing up. I have referred in the past to the Hero’s journey. In our life we go through many deaths and rebirths. In our quest, in our journey of the Hero we overcome many odds and many temptations. We overcome it to emerge stronger and tougher. Jispa had one such moment. She probably saw the wand and was completely driven to own it. For a brief period she owned it and once that emotion wore off rational mind set it and she realized she was above it. She died to live again. A hero’s journey.

Londonw as special in many ways. Jispa, I realize is now an adult. She makes her choices and in the process drives us up the wall. It is easily the most difficult period Jasmine and I have faced so far. By far the most difficult. She exercises judgment but not all of it is smart. She chooses not to listen so many times. She tries to get away. In her process of growing up, we are dying a thousand deaths and are getting born again. For a fundamentally sweet kid she is now in the process of tearing away her cocoon and butterfly parents are just not being able to manage it. Probably teaching 60 kids every year and managing office colleagues, makes me possibly more … should I say  ‘philosophical’ than Jasmine. I get driven up the wall as much as Jasmine but I just bounce back faster. Jispa has been far more tougher on Jasmine then me. But then Jispa’s journey is as much of importance as is Jasmine. Both will die a thousand deaths and see the cycle of trials and temptations. They will be helped along the way by mentors and talismans. It is for them to die and be reborn to get the ultimate blessing. When they do transform themselves and come back to the real world to spread the awareness to others, will then reach mastery of their worlds. Possible the blog has helped me remain sane or stable. Possibly the fact that I teach to so many forces me to brood less over these issues. This transformation is accentuated but the death and rebirth are something for me too.

The more times in life the cycle turns the wiser you will get. And to be stronger t is important for you to share your stories. Here I am sharing mine with you. Have you shared yours with anyone?

Read more of the Hero’s journey here  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monomyth

perspectives

Long ago I too thought that the solutions to all traffic woes would be to build flyovers. As many as you possibly can, just build them and the traffic will simple cease. The simple logic being that if you don’t have halts you don’t have traffic.

Reading books by intelligent people gives you a perspective on life that is different than the average Joe. You look at life from different angles. That is the single biggest thing about reading. You understand that there are multiple perspectives and viewpoints for various issues. You also realize how much to trust propaganda and simplistic thinking. Also being in marketing you realize that you are not the center of the world. Most people (even in marketing) market to themselves and their own sensibilities. That’s not the right way to understand things. Just because you like it is no reason to have a pack design in a certain manner. Its what your core customer wants that’s important. I have learnt that India is not English speaking and we continue to throw English inside our communication. We marketer’s believe that everybody understands English. In offices in metros we think since we use English as the primary means of communication, that is the answer to everything. Of course you must understand English. May be earlier it would suffice as the big markets were the well-developed metros. But now as we look beyond the metros the vernacular languages need to addressed. The politicians and the film world have got it bang on. They are ones who have embraced the vernacular since time immemorial. But since we marketing people are based out of cities we forget the basics.

Simplistically as well, we think that the only spending on infrastructure we must do is the roads. So many people (very smart at that) have told me that the solution to Mumbai’s infra mess is more roads, costal roads, ring roads and flyover etc. No one seems to understand the huge amount of money being spent on what is a fraction of the people enjoying the service. Mass Rapid Transport is not about roads for cars but using bus and train services to connect people across the city. A network that takes a huge mass of people from one end to another. This opens out the city and flattens it evenly. People want cheap reliable mode of transport. The car is the worst thing for solving city woes. My argument has been rather simple here. My guess (only a guess) is that the amount of money the city spends on these massive flyovers can be simply utilized to do something else. Suppose we just take the number of busses on the road and triple it thus reaching far off corners and for good measure put air-conditioning to placate the office goers, the cost of which can easily be borne in lieu of the flyover constructed. Me thinks that with this kind of money you can even charge normal rates and give AC service. Ofcourse this is simplistic thinking. Flyover can last many years, far more than an average life of a bus. Plus no point having busses if your roads are jammed to start with. But the thinking is different. The point is to look at lakhs of people at the lower level than the few bums at the top.  

But it’s not easy to change habit. Over the last few years I have got the habit of travelling by car. First at kaliana and then at worli – my house is ill connected to office by public transport. It doesn’t make sense to travel thus. It takes far more time and is tedious. So I have the car habit. While I was in nariman point I used to take pride in travelling by train. This way I got my reading time as well. There is some loose talk that our office will get transferred back to Nariman Point. Jasmine and I saw it differently. I thought great - there is a new freeway from town right upto my building (literally – mine is the first building you get off to) and Jasmine said – great, now you can go by train and catch back on your reading. Oops. I missed that one. No body like change from routine.  I too am a victim of my own routine.

whats with the lecture?

My brother and I used to fight a lot and sometimes they would get bitter. We would be at blows and we would just not get along. Being younger most of the time I would lose, especially the physical fight and then I would go crying to parents to complain. My brother hated my crying and called me a complainer. What other option I had. As a young kid who lost and was subject to what I thought was unfairness I would complain.

Many times after all this my dad would sit me down and talk to me and I wondered why it that I am getting the lecture is. It was his fault. In many ways I did see dad admitting that it may have been his fault but I needed to improve. I needed not to cry. “why should I not cry. It was his fault to start with. He did this and that… blah blah blah.” I never understood why I would get the lecture. I am correct. I was wronged and hence I must be righted. Justice was not giving me a lecture but my brother getting a lecture. But I felt that I was getting it all.

I remember as a small boy I would cry my heart out and my dad would tell me to calm down. Then we would have a chat and he would explain to me in vain what needed to be done. I understand my dad much better now. In fact in hindsight I was the luckier one. I had those conversations with dad which wouldn’t have happened if he did not choose to lecture me instead of my brother. I really don’t know what conversations he had with my brother. Funnily I don’t remember him having too many which I think may not be the case.

But it took a lot of thought and age for me to realize the answer to my question “why me”. I guess the answer was I was getting the lecture not because I was wrong in the fight. I was probably right or it was impossible to call or even futile to call; but more importantly it wasn’t necessary to call. The bigger issue was how I needed to react. My reaction was wrong. I shouldn’t have fought like that. I shouldn’t have behaved like that. I should have greater control over my reactions. In fights with mom or family, I must remain calm collected and precise. I must open my mouth less. I may be right or wrong but I must understand the bigger picture. It’s a difficult one.

Especially when you are angry. When you are angry it is difficult to stay quiet. You want to talk, you want to blurt out. And if someone elder comes down to you and talks to you instead of the other one, don’t consider yourself unlucky or wronged. You are the lucky one. You will learn from the fight and the other one will lose from the fight.

Most of the times that I have fought I have learnt the most when the elder came to me and told me to look at the big picture. It hurt me at the time. Real bad. But in the long run, I learnt the most from it. But when you are at the receiving end of the lecture, you don’t care two shit for it. You are focused on only one thing – justice or revenge. Which to the accused is one and the same. Talking about which – I think for the first time in my life I think the law and life seems to have taught us – that justice and revenge is one and same thing. Now that is one tough ethical question. In fact I hate to think of it as that. How is justice equated with revenge? Dam it – this post is suddenly troubling me. I will have to leave this question in my brain for some time till I get an answer to this one.

But from another perspective, I think there is great learning just being the elder guy. If you are the one doing the quiet talking then there is so much to learn. You can see the situation from both ends, look at the issues, realize the folly of it all, and learn without getting too hurt.

Teaching is amongst the greatest way to learn anything. A close second to actually experiencing it.

badminton metaphors now?

As I was wondering what to write in my blog, one of the things that is occupying my mind right now is my badminton game. I keep reflecting back on the game and I wonder why I do what I do. For the most amount of time I play only as good as my opponents / partner. I don’t bother to raise my game needlessly at all. I only have spurts of power when have a close game or suddenly when I feel like the underdog. I don’t push to take all shots and I don’t push for kills. I have no clue why so many players run around like crazy in a badminton doubles game.

Most of the time you have partners who run like crazy all over trying to take all the shots. Why would they do that? I have never understood. It’s not like they are supreme players who can reach where no man can. It’s just that they run like mad all over.  I guess it takes time to understand a partner  but the first reaction is to play stupid. To my mind the first rule of playing doubles is to understand that you are playing DOUBLES. You have to trust your partner as well. I am guilty at times to play my partners shot. but then I kick myself and try and make amends. Understanding where your partner is possibly more important than understanding where your opponent is. Blocking out space on your court by working well as a team is winning more than half the battle.

Recently we had two new players coming in to play with us. They are pretty decent players and I realized I could match up to them. Though I don’t play the back hand smash and I don’t really do the drop shot too well but my ability to cover the court quickly and suddenly take up impossible shots is what I work to my advantage. I can keep the shuttle in play for the longest and force either an unforced error or a chance to play it into the gap that comes up. In fact because these fellows try reaching for all the shots, many times the best play is to play right in the middle when both can reach. They both will reach and either knocks themselves or end up together leaving space in the court for a simple kill. I think these are trust issues and an over self-reliance that city breeds in people that is possible to blame.

(unrelated point – I just saw a coppersmith barbet outside my office window on the tree. I love it when I see her)

But what amazes me is how my game goes up or down depending upon the players I play. I am amazed how large the change is. So with one guy who is a really bad player, I have rallies with him and then sometimes some average players come along, I have rallies with them and then with some good players – I have rallies with them as well. Why is it that I am doing like this? I like it this way. It puts less pressure on me while playing but I am forced to think of a more fundamental point. Does my badminton talk about the kind of person I have become? Do not take pangas unless absolutely necessary or if you think there is merit in it. In a way I have become less aggressive or controlled my aggression. I am aggressive enough to reach for a shuttle that seems impossible. In fact so many times the players wonder if I have picked on one bounce and that I think is a factor of my aggression and ability to move fast. But why is it that I cant kill anymore. Has age caught up with me? The wisdom that all is transitory and that you must always live to fight another battle another day?

In office also I try and let go. Focus on battle you can win but more importantly I see myself silent in many meetings. If I don’t see the point of it all, and I know my suggestion would not be understood, I keep quiet. Let go, relax, let people atleast do what they are capable of. No real point in pushing them too hard. They will simply not be able to reach the shuttle. You will win the point but the dam score in the end doesn’t count. Let them play, throw it around where they are, but more importantly practice you game, keep honing it, push yourself to do different things.

Many times I try and play not to win but to only give the other guy a good game while trying my best to improve my game. Try and be nimble, work on anticipation and stuff like that. The raw aggression of winning or killing every point doesn’t work. In doubles you don’t need to win every point as well. You let the other guy play his game, understand his game, be happy with the second fiddle, put it back in play and then look to improve. Then push and keep perfecting your skills. Points be dammed. Look at others, see their game, spot weaknesses, play easy. Is that my daily life philosophy as well? I don’t know. I guess it is a reflection of some of it.  Don’t play for a win, play for a win win win.

one way street

It’s a vortex that you are going to be sucked under. Power and politics is normally a one way street. You just can get out. The only way is to constantly try and push yourself up.  Entering is not necessarily a bad thing.  In fact we need to enter and make a change if we want to see the change. There is no point sitting on the sidelines and waiting for things to move in the right direction. Let’s take the example of the building society. A lot of stupid things happen, but you can’t really crib about it as when it comes for elections and meetings, you just don’t have the time or are willing to make time for it. Plus who really wants the additional responsibility that you take on for no real consideration, especially if you are a honest man.

At the Gymkhana I had no choice. Too many idiots were harassing the swimmers who were training. Change the timing, call them earlier (earlier than 5.45 am), restrict the batches, change the  coach. It was time to step up. And now I am a part of the committee and being a part of the change I want to see. A lot has improved. Water testing, monitoring the chemicals, life guard duty etc. Now, while we are the part of the swimming committee we face issues with the general committee and in the next elections we see no option but get involved at that level. I don’t want to do that. But the risk of idiots coming on top must be mitigated.

Power is one way street. Now that things are working fine, you want them to work fine. You want good things to continue. I think what motivates everybody is the fact that when you are in power three people  look at you greet you. The power you have over people down the line is really not that easy to let go of. It definitely corrupts. You will get and take some additional privileges and that are difficult to let go of. I try my best to ensure that none of this goes into my head.

In office I see more eyes on me than ever. The older I got the more adulation I got. Balls to it. It is a clear case of power shining through the backside. But how do I get it off from my head. How can I refuse it. I sit out of my cabin for a lot of the time. I can keep the door open, I can do a lot but the fact is that I can do all that because I have it. I can sit outside the cabin because I have the cabin. If I did not have the cabin to start with, what would I have sat out of?

Many years ago I worked at a construction company called Hiranandani. I was part of the upcoming projects of the daughter of the patriarch. I had got the manager’s cubicle. As the core team relating to sales increased I was asked to vacate and move into the smaller worker cubicle. I remember not liking it at all. I made a brave face but it hurt. At that time I vowed never to be bothered by the size of the cube or the status associated with it. Now that I have one, what do I do about it? I can’t get used to not having one when I have one.  

All this is a one way street. I am reminded of the movie Naam. Here the villain Paresh Rawal tempts a crestfallen Sanjay Dutt into the world of drugs and crime. He explains to him – this is a one way street. You can come in but you can’t get out.

I forget where the street comes in but here is one part where the temptation begins and Paresh Rawal brilliants explains – here you can get everything you want but …an exit. And then he laughs. Check it out. It’s in the first two three minutes itself

In this part go to around 12 minutes – he again explains that this is a one way street…

And here is the part where our hero gives it back to the villain when he shows the one way street back to the boss. Go to the 8 minute mark.

On that morose note…

It’s not that bad. I think the challenge is to remain level headed and calm when you have tail wind. You realize that it’s the tail wind that causing the speed. There is no real harm in enjoying it too much. You just need to get a reality check from time to time. You keep reminding yourself of the tail wind and somehow try and step aside on the one way street. To keep the parable running – the one way street doesn't allow a U turn but it surely allows you to step on one side and park. Wait quietly and try not to reach anywhere faster than others. Who says it’s important to go to the other side or lead. Stay in there. Knowing the flow of the street is also a valuable experience that you pass on to other travelers.

On the last line – a poem got triggered in my mind. It’s not exactly in context but I like this one. There is a story behind it – but that is for another day

The Bridge Builder

An old man, going a lone highway,
Came, at the evening, cold and gray,
To a chasm, vast, and deep, and wide,
Through which was flowing a sullen tide.

The old man crossed in the twilight dim;
The sullen stream had no fear for him;
But he turned, when safe on the other side,
And built a bridge to span the tide.

"Old man," said a fellow pilgrim, near,
"You are wasting strength with building here;
Your journey will end with the ending day;
You never again will pass this way;
You've crossed the chasm, deep and wide-
Why build you this bridge at the evening tide?"

The builder lifted his old gray head:
"Good friend, in the path I have come," he said,
"There followeth after me today,
A youth, whose feet must pass this way.

This chasm, that has been naught to me,
To that fair-haired youth may a pitfall be.
He, too, must cross in the twilight dim;
Good friend, I am building this bridge for him."

Freedom

We spend the first year of a child's life teaching him or her to walk and talk "and the rest of their lives telling them to shut up and sit down."

I read this somewhere and its really true and so truer than now with respect to Jispa. Jispa is suddenly becoming a big girl. She understands stuff, is able to argue back and is broadly able to resist. So whats wrong. Nothing – just as parents now we have to be all ready to handle a different child than the one we were handling six months ago. The nature of adolescence is now panning out. Neither she nor we know if she is an adult or a child. Should we treat her as if she knows nothing or should we treat her as if she knows everything. We have to get after her to do her stuff and she says she knows what to do. Jasmine is letting her peel and cut cucumbers and I baulk at the approval. That’s not done. I don’t think she is ready yet but then many girls younger to her do this and much more.

She fights and fights aggressively for freedom and responsibility and on giving she promptly screws it all up. She would  then proceed to just not do what is expected of her. Its not that she doesn’t understand. She does but just something happens and …. And it just creates more confusion in our minds. Is she old or is she young. Every phase gets tougher and tougher. Now that she is in the fifth grade the pressure of homework and studies have cranked up dramatically. There is a lot more to study and with her swimming schedule the time that she has is dramatically less. Time seems to have been condensed these days. So much so that we are now constantly on her case. Jasmine gets completely done in by the stress and then it gets to me. I try and understand and allow but then Jispa will simply mess things up and make me wonder whats going on. I allow her leeway in the morning to relax and not rush – the consequence is that when we are to leave she will not be ready and there is a mad rush for the bags. I allow her some time to read  a magazine at night – the consequence is that she remembers in the morning about the home work to be done and there is a mad rush with unfinished home work. We let her see a movie and project will remain unfinished or she will be ill prepared for her reviews.

Oh dam me. I always maintained that I will not put pressure on her to study. She is free to enjoy her life and do as she pleases. Studies will not be the main focus of her life like what my parents did. Studies they knew was the only way out of a life of struggle. They were right in their era. Time shave changed. I maintained always but then it lasted only till I became a parent of a 10 year old. So now I have changed to from studies is not it to only studies is not it. You need studies and something else. Or you have your something else and you have studies as well. Earlier when Jispa was born I was a complete ass. I even thought that great it’s a girl, at least the pressure on her to grow up and study and become an engineer is not there. But dam… that’s not the thing. We know she is smart and we know that she can do well. She has a great brain that is able to memorise as well as reason. So what’s my job as a dad? Is it to give her a great and happy childhood that she will remember for life (and not blame me like how I sometimes blame my parents) or teach her to study, make her study for now and then hopefully she takes a call later on what she wants to do in life.

I really don’t want to pressurize her. Yesterday as well I had to take the school magazine from her and get her to study and finish her homework. She obviously did not like it. It showed on her face. Later on I asked her about it and then I spoke to her. I told her I was sorry. She had to finish her stuff, I hate being a  mean dad much more than you hate having one. But I am sorry. She understood. At the end as was sleeping I told her “I am sorry and I promise you that it WILL happen again”. We laughed. It’s a tough one. And it’s not as simple as ‘let Jasmine do the irritating discipline thing and I will do the fun thing’. That’s not on as well. That’s unfair to one parent. So we both have to be mean and sweet. The thing is to alternate. But it’s getting freaking tough on both of us. We are constantly being pulled in by our true nature, our role as parents and our desires to see our child do well.

So what’s the answer to all this? its difficult. The way I see it right now and the way I explained to Jispa is simple. I have no option but ensure that you have a great base. She is around 11 right now. I have another 5-6 years at best to hound her and get her to study. If this base is well constructed then she can build it from there on.in fact she can then even decide to chuck it all and do something else altogether. But to have the freedom to choose you need to be able enough to get the choice in the first place. If you want to reject an admission in a college you need to get the admission to start with. That leave sus with very little room to play with. And that little room is gobbled up with her swimming. If she swims so many hours a day, she is eating into all her time for everything else. Plus we have to ensure she plays a bit and movies and relax and read… wow. I keep explaining to her that if she was a simple fun kid then she would have had time for a lot of simple cute fun. But is choosing to be a champion. Representing Mumbai is no mean feat, there are choices to be made and scarifies to be done. It is up to the athlete to choose. But she will need to.

On this a bit of philosophy that I read might help. It’s quite an interesting story. I have read this story as a kid, but I never did figure that this is an interesting and deeply philosophical construct. Read on. How limiting Jispa’s choices now we are actually giving her the freedom to choose! Sorry Jips, I think you are not going to find this one inspiring. Atleast for now.

http://bigthink.com/experts-corner/odysseus-nudged

Odysseus Nudged: How Limiting Our Choices Can Give Us More Freedom

by DAVE NUSSBAUM

According to legend, the Sirens were beautiful women whose voices were so alluring that when sailors heard their song they could not resist approaching and were drowned on the rocky shores of the island where the Sirens sang. No sailor had heard their song and lived until Odysseus, who, on the counsel of the goddess Circe, had his crew tie him to the mast of his ship. When he heard the Sirens’ song he begged to be released, but his crew, their ears plugged with beeswax, would not unbind him and saved him from his own desires. Odysseus was lucky – he knew that he would be unable to resist the Sirens and had himself bound – but people often have difficulty foreseeing their weakness from a distance. Sometimes they need help.

I love watching my not-quite-two-year-old son learn about the world from his mistakes. I look on with sympathy at his falls and bumps and spills and I try to restrain myself from interceding. But when he’s about to tumble down a flight of stairs I step in. It is difficult to balance preserving his freedom to explore and make his own mistakes with the desire to keep him safe. There’s a lot to be said for giving kids autonomy and letting them learn from experience, but sometimes you have to behave paternalistically and tie them to the mast (or at least install safety gates).

When you start treating grown men and women like you’re their father, though, the charge of paternalism becomes a more serious one. There may be cases in which a heavy-handed approach is necessary (particularly when people’s actions harm others), but we should be careful about using it. A more circumspect approach is libertarian paternalism, described by Richard Thaler and Cass Sunstein in Nudge (and re-articulated more recently by Sunstein in his Simpler) as a way of influencing people to make decisions that they themselves would consider beneficial, without restricting their freedom.

Here, we are not tying Odysseus to the mast – the more appropriate analogy would be to the beeswax that Odysseus had his sailors put in their ears. The wax prevented the sailors from hearing the Sirens’ song and saved them from being lured to their deaths, but it also left them free to remove the wax if that is what they wanted to do. This sort of intervention is an acknowledgment that the sailors’ freedom is important, but also that people are not always perfectly rational. As Carnegie Mellon economist (and psychologist) George Loewenstein recently explained to me, “When people have problems exercising self-control, restricting their choices can, in some cases, leave them more freedom to choose.”

On its face, Loewenstein’s claim may seem paradoxical – isn’t a person most free when presented with all her options and allowed to choose among them? But as the mythical Sirens make clear, there are some options that we are not truly free to resist. Without beeswax in their ears Odysseus’ crew would have been doomed; the wax gave them the freedom to choose.