before you run, choose your race

“You know dad, boys are really irritating”. It’s that age when the boys and the girls really absolutely hate each other. Different things to do, different likes, dislikes, sports... everything. They just don’t see eye to eye on anything. Girls still have a sense of propriety, while the boys will go out of their way to disrupt any semblance of order. The way they react to situations is completely different. So I wasn’t surprised when Jispa told me that she found them painful. “Dad, we had a science lab experiment today and we were two girls and two boys. The boys just did nothing and fooled around while we two girls managed the experiment. It was so irritating.”. “Ah, yes, you know how boys are. Ignore them.”. “no. But they got all the credit for doing no work. It’s so unfair. That’s not right.”

“hah! Jispa understand the game. Right now the boys did not study or perform the experiment. They learnt nothing from it. You learnt from the experiment. You performed it and you understood it. They not only fooled around but they also got marks for it so their parents will never know that they fooled around. After wards when you go for a job, and you are competing with them, who do you think will get the job? You who understood what you did or they who did not understand. It’s in fact a good thing for you. The more people fool around the less competition you have later in life. In fact you WANT them to fool around. And GET marks for it so that they don’t realize it and improve.” The penny dropped. “Understand Jispa which race you want to win. Now or later”.

Now that’s a controversial bit of advice to give. I would normally say that one must be sweet and nice and share. I still believe that it’s important to share. I still am not telling her to be a bad person. Just telling her that every time things are not what they seem. It’s about perspective. Long run short term. What’s your perspective? And how an irritating boy who seems to be having all the fun is good for you.

I told her about one incident in college I am not likely to forget. It was b school and we had a project to get done. I was in a team with a guy and two other girls. Like usual no one really worked on the project. But the chicks worked without telling us and suddenly one day they told us that since we did not work on the project, they kicked us out. Fair. No issues on that front. I guess they were right in their way. But I was in the lurch. So I went to another guy, I think he name was Acquino or something like that. I explained my situation and he promptly took me in and convinced other team members to take me. After a few years I went out of my way to help him professionally. I met his boss and gave him strategic gyan and other information, just because it was him. I told his boss as much as well. Acquino thanked me and I told him that I merely returning his favour.

So I explained to Jispa – see what happened. There are two points to gain from being relaxed and r chilled. Selfishly it helps you both ways. So why unnecessarily stress yourself out. Let the boys remain dumb. Choose which race you want to win and then act. I think she got it.

the beginner's mind

One of the big problems of reading too much or understanding a lot is arrogance. I have blogged about this in the past. I face arrogance. That is also possibly the reason I don’t read too much fiction as well. What on earth will that give me? I guess I underestimate the fun of reading for the sake of listening to a story. A story need not have deep meaning, it seeks to merely entertain and hopefully mesmerize the reader into a world of fantasy and imagination. Imagination lets us be unbounded by reality and hence the ability to experience what we physically can’t. I would not underestimate its power in doing good to the world and to the person. I am possibly a bundle of contradictions into myself.

But over the years I have learnt to be a little less arrogant or to put it right – I have learnt to overcome / hide my arrogance.  It’s a difficult thing to do.  To put it aside and constantly say I don’t know. Or there are things I don’t know. Or to constantly look for ways to prove yourself wrong. Arrogance can be defeated. It is possible. The right way is to constantly challenge everything. Nothing is real and nothing is the whole truth. In marketing I learnt there is the truth and then there is the truth. Dharen once explained to me that while doing research on hair oil, there is science that says that oil doesn’t permeate the scalp and possibly does nothing to the brain, but there is also the truth when the consumer says that when my mother puts oil in my hair and then I sit to study I can retain more.

To my mind that is the reality. What consumers feel or experience is something that can’t be challenged. They experience the impossible. That doesn’t make him deranged and to be dismissed. That makes it an interesting point of view. There are so many things the consumer says but also the truth is the things he doesn’t say. All this put together is the whole nebulous truth - if there ever was a paradox.

Over a period of time I have constantly tried to challenge what I know and what I feel. Its dam irritating and I understand the value or the pain of being a devil’s advocate. Society depends on progress and progress means taking a stand. And the sticking to it and going forward. You never know everything is an interesting concept but it can’t stop you from taking the steps forward.

Why all this philosophy all of a sudden? Just recently I came across this term “beginners mind”. It is a term from the zen philosophy -  Shoshin (初心)

And I quote from the Wikipedia -

Shoshin is a concept in Zen Buddhism meaning "beginner's mind". It refers to having an attitude of openness, eagerness, and lack of preconceptions when studying a subject, even when studying at an advanced level, just as a beginner in that subject would. The term is especially used in the study of Zen Buddhism and Japanese martial arts.

The phrase is also used in the title of the book Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by the Zen teacher Shunryu Suzuki, who says the following about the correct approach to Zen practice: In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few.

Saadat A. Khan suggests that "Beginner's mind embodies the highest emotional qualities such as enthusiasm, creativity, zeal, and optimism. If the reader reflects briefly on the opposites of these qualities, it is clear to see that quality of life requires living with beginner's mind. With beginner's mind, there is boundlessness, limitlessness, an infinite wealth."

That’s right. The beginners mind. A child like curiosity to question everything and the ability to start afresh every time. It is extremely irritating but to constantly question everything is the greatest requirement to learn and to innovate. I try and get that in Jispa but it can get also pretty irritating. And a school with the focus on teaching 30 kids and going forward to a set syllabus is not conducive atmosphere for Shosin.

Yesterday Jispa asked me that ‘you said you could help me in History and geography. Right?”. “Yup. Ask”. “So, teacher was explaining large scale maps and small scale maps. I asked teacher this question and she explained something but I did not understand – if 1:100 is a small scale map and 1:10 is a large scale map, what are the maps in between called?”. This question is seemingly easy but at eth core of it it’s a tough one. For one there are no middle scale maps and the question is not of terms but to understand that sizes are relative and the terms are actually irrelevant. It took some amount of patience on Jasmine and my side and I could hear the irritation in our tones when  at eth end of a large explanation Jispa simply says – ‘I did not understand’.

All this Shosin posin is easier said than done.

you never stop learning

Which Indian kid is so bloody dumb and living in a vacuum that it doesn’t even understand cricket? I mean cricket is everywhere. Everyone talks about it and everyone is fascinated by it and simple stuff like how many runs to score to win etc is simple stuff? Right? Well I was rudely shocked one day as one day as I came home my wife told me – Today Jispa did math in school and she couldn’t understand the example sir gave using cricket. Now they have started teaching a bit of statistics to Jispa at school and the poor prof at school used the run progression cricket graph to explain to class some kind of statistics. One morning I sat with her and tried to explain the graph to her and I realized that she would obviously not follow the graph. She doesn’t even know what the game of cricket is all about. Simple stuff like – the first side scores the runs and the second side have to score them to win. That basic stuff is missing. That’s when I explained the game, the basic rules, the scoring etc. It was an eye opener for me and her. I never realized that not having a TV at home could make such a massive impact. Jispa does watch some cricket. She does sit in front of the TV at times when the matches play at a friend’s place or at the gymkhana. But she takes away different things from it I guess.

After I explained the run rate, I had to explain the average run rate required to win, the concept of chasing at a run rate etc. then she asked me about another graphic she saw on TV. The bowlers graphic on where they pitch the ball. Short, good length, full, Yorker. The I explained that to her and I had to explain why good length is considered good. To explain the concept of pitching the ball, I made her stand in one place and bowled a few spinning balls at her. I showed her how at good length she has the least amount of time to react to a spinning ball and at full length she just doesn’t need to wait for it to pitch and swerve. So in a short span of around an hour she went from nothing to understanding the nuances of pitching a ball. That’s always the fun part with Jispa.

She has learned to ask and visualize and seek. She catches things well and is not tired by understanding. I see many kids tired when I try and explain. They give up. So many adults simply give up. They have no patience for learning an understanding. After a point of time, you see them disinterested. I always wonder how on earth can that happen. If someone is talking from their experience how is it that you can find it not interesting. You must ask, provoke, disagree but a conversation cannot be ignored. Of course monologues are difficult but a conversation with a person on his specialization – how is that ever limiting.

Conversations are so important. Over the weekend I was helping a friend do something. In fact he was a senior guy in my company and he put in his papers to start something of his own. He wants me in his firm but for various reasons I am not too keen. Nevertheless I agreed to help him out. And when I did, I helped with proper professional ardor. I took notes, thought and worked hard over the weekend. I gave ideas and listened patiently. Jasmine was like – you should be paid for this. Its ok, I told her. I learnt a lot in the process. If I have to help someone with my skills I must listen patiently to a lot of people, understand markets, behavior etc. and I got to do that. I wasn’t just supposed to lecture, I was supposed to meet understand and use my brains. For that I don’t mind not getting paid. Free work is good. It will in some time come back to you. Either in terms of the good will gained or more realistically and immediate – the learnings gained. No one can take that from you. That is important.

turn it around

A ha. We successfully organized the Matunga gymkhana open swim meet. A grand success by any measure and people came on congratulating us. It was an experience like none before in any meet of any kind in the city. The people were mesmerized and couldn’t stop talking about it. The swimming department now walks with a little extra bounce in their steps. But when you coldly step back and look at it, what was it actually that made it so big. The swimming pool on the day belonsg to the officials. At every meet you have the same commentator, the same officials and the same events. Ours was also the same. But the difference lied in the packaging. There were large banners outside welcoming the participants and at the entrance was the clincher – the greeters. Borrowed from a bit from Walmart and a bit from the Singapore immigration authorities. At Walmart you have greeters when you come in to shop. At most other immigration checks they give you a cold stare, but at Singapore there is a bowl of fox sweets greeting you. In line with that we had apples and bananas awaiting all participants. So at the entrance a team was waiting with the fruits. In addition we gave them a folder with the schedule. And if that was not enough we also gave them two iron rich bars which we bought from an NGO. So that just shook them out. We then put enough cut outs around the place and just before the swimming pool a huge massive 36X6 banner greeted them. All these were of course done in corporate style with amazing visuals. With so much stimulation at the start, I left very little at the main pool area. That was taken over by the sponsors. We also gave space to a pro shop, a free stall for the isotonic drink guys to freely sample their products and some other stuff.

For those expecting a boring placid swim meet were completely shocked. There was shade all around with the pandals being erected and fans installed. I was rather amused by the reactions of the people. I thought this was par for the course. This stuff is simple. Like the checkerboard backdrop against the winner’s podium got a lot of comments and people thought it was really cool and ‘IPL style’.

I can still think of a million different things that I want changed from next time around. I want a different way to submit entries. I want to email stuff and want IDs, I want to have a better registration, I want better side games for the kids, I want a relaxing lounge, I want a winners picture booth,  I want flowers for the winners, I want better food stalls selling better food and drink for the champions, I want better invites, etc etc… a lot is still left to be done. The dream is to have a small souvenir shop for the event as well, selling high quality merchandise branded – the Matunga Gymkhana Open Swim Meet. That will be so bloody cool. That’s when the brand will be really built.

Ah well. I am a dreamer. But only if you can dream it can you possibly do it. Dream on. There are so many things to be done at this meet. Next year I am definitely going to ask for a bigger budget. I will have a better campaign to bring in the entries and hype the bloody thing before the event. I want to run it in style. Raise the bar so much that people have no clue what to expect next. I want to make it really really BIG.

But while I am talking about the event… I too took part in one race. The under 40 men’s freestyle. In my time trial I dived in and swam really fast. I reached the other side and turned. Not knowing the tumble turn I wasted precious seconds. While coming back I was tiring and slowing down. I hadn’t eaten well and the energy was sapping. I emerged second best by a small margin. I then heard the commentator explaining that I messed up the turn and lost there. I saw the video and everybody also told me – I was leading till the turn. My daughter was at the finish line waiting for me. She greeted me and took the time from the officials. She told me – not bad –“you did 37 seconds. You did two seconds better than your last time”. She was doing a Jaimit to me. Okies.

I always wanted to learn the tumble turn. But I tried it once and the water just rushed into my brain. I hated it. Jispa kept telling me to learn but I just couldn’t try. Now I have additional incentive. My knees have robbed me of my running victories but I guess I found another race. Tumble turn it is then. To learn the tumble turn and to push myself hard.  Jispa keeps telling me to learn but because I have the power in the equation I am unable to push myself. If the roles were reversed I would have harassed her, but the poor thing can’t do that to me. I must set that example and do it. I must learn the tumble turn. It’s not just about the turn but it also my duty as a parent to show that I can do it. It an example.

being right

Jispa’s school is getting on my nerves. It’s not her school in particular that’s to blame it’s the dam bloody education system. I have blogged earlier that our education system does not allow the child to ask questions and probe or even confront the teacher. It is a hopeless power equation in school. The teacher is all powerful and the rest of the students or anyone else can take it or leave it. Last year we let go when her teacher corrected her wrongly on the meaning of the term ‘light year’. At Jispa’s behest we kept quiet and did not ask her to go to school with the right definition. But yesterday I knew I had to knock some defiance into Jispa.

I was waiting to have dinner with jasmine while she was trying to do Jispa’s home work. I dozed off when Jispa woke me up call me. I went outside and I saw Jispa and Jasmine at opposite sides of the homework. Jasmine was explaining how it should be done and Jispa was sticking to exactly what her teacher had asked her to do… exactly by the letter. In Jispa’s way the sticking activity was impossible with the pictures she had. Jispa was explaining exactly how her teacher wanted it. Jispa was adamant. Normally I just let Jispa get her way and tell Jasmine to give in. I remember my dumb arse teachers. They would give very clear specific instructions. They obviously wanted regimentation and refused to see anyone move away from the straight and narrow.  They did not want anyone straying and their job was to produce clones. Creativity was not encouraged or tolerated. There was only one way to do a particular job. As Ken Robinson argued in his TED video, that this was a product of the industrial age where students were needed who could simply mass produce goods and services and fall in line with the systems and processes set up.

I had kept quiet for long. I knew the pain of standing up and sticking to your gun. Once my dad was called into school as I argued with my teacher. I knew I was right and she was just being a pain. You just can’t win. But yesterday I had enough. I explained to Jispa, “look Jips, I understand and I hear you. I know what your teacher ordered you to do. You are right in explaining that to us but in principal what your mom is doing is also right. It is correct given that you have larger pictures (the whole argument was on how to arrange pictures on a time line). Last year your teacher taught you some wrong stuff on the light year etc, I kept qiet but this year you are in the fifth standard. It’s time for you to stand up. This is not wrong and if your teacher scolds you for it, I will talk to her or write her a letter explain how that is not the right thing to do and how this time line is not incorrect. This is the way it’s done in so many places on the internet and encyclopedias. If your teacher tells you that you are wrong don’t just take. Talk to her politely and tell her that you did this with your dad and he explained it to you how it was right.”. Jispa told me that she wouldn’t be able to tell her that. At which time I explained to her “Listen, I am not telling you to talk rudely to her. But you must be polite and yet explain to her why you are thinking the way you are thinking and that you are not wrong but don’t be rude. Even Gandhi told the British that they were wrong but he did so with a lot of respect. Didn’t you see that in the movie?” The penny dropped. She was better. And she got it done in the way her mom was helping her.

I looked at Jasmine. It takes two to do parenting. It’s not possible for one to have all the patience required. One is near the problem and tends to get exasperated; the other is a bit away and can take a bird’s eye view. You clearly need two to work.

But more importantly I think gave Jispa the courage to stand up for what she thinks is right. When my dad got called to school, he heard me and told me that you weren’t wrong in saying what you said but you can’t argue like this with the teacher. That is the wrong thing to do. That’s the story I explained to Jispa as well. Say it but say it with respect. And you have to stand up for what you think is right. I think not getting Jispa to explain that light year was a wrong lesson to teach her.

You have to stand up and not bow down to a teacher. I explained to Jispa that listen – don’t worry. We pay school fees and the teacher is expected to teach you right things. She can’t just scold you for something that isn’t wrong. You go ahead and be respectful and I will back you up. You have to assert yourself. Jispa is an amiable kid. She doesn’t like confrontation. She is a sweet heart with no interest in girl politics. But I guess it’s time for her to assert. She is beginning to do that with us and we aren’t taking it too well. I try and avoid a show down and take it diplomatically. I try and select the fights and the issues. The trick is to get her to assert on the right issues and be smart about it all. Talking to people in the right way while being what you want to be is life!

a tough ask?

How many questions should you ask? I was just reading an article that questions the number of questions that are being asked today by students in school. Read on: Asking questions is essential to learning. That was an essential lesson from one of history's first great teachers, Socrates. Or, as the wise Rabbi Steven Greenberg puts it: "we train children at the Passover seder to ask why, because tyrants are undone and liberty is won with a good question." And yet, children are not asking questions nearly enough. In fact, data from the U.S. school systems tells us that the average high school student asks one question of substance per month in a classroom. Yikes!

This is particularly alarming if we consider the skill set that is required for success in the coming decades. Hal Gregersen, the co-author along with Clayton Christensen of the recent book The Innovator’s DNA, tells Big Think that the world we’re entering over "the next five, ten, fifteen, twenty years – I can’t imagine it being easier, simpler, less uncertain than what we’re living in today."So what is the best way to "unlock the solutions to that wild terrain," as Gregersen puts it? "We need to build this capacity in ourselves and the people around us to ask the right question." Source: http://bigthink.com/big-think-tv/the-future-is-uncertain-its-time-to-start-asking-the-right-questions

Yes you need to ask questions. Tons of questions. I always had questions on my mind and in classrooms I was known to be the irritating one. Actually – few teachers loved me and a few them possibly didn’t. some thought I was asking questions just to prove I was smart or I was disturbing the class. I remember one question that was completely dismissed by my science teacher. She was taking I think about chlorine or flourine (nice periodic table link http://www.ptable.com/)which is so reactive that it reacts with anything and that she said it is used on rockets as fuel. I may be wrong in recollecting the gas but my question was that if it’s so reactive and reacts with everything then how do you store it? Oops. That one was dismissed. In another science class the idiotic teacher called me to the desk twice or more since I was participating ‘too much’ in class. She called me in and tried to tell me that if I know too much I should take the lecture myself. What a Bitch. I want to meet her and show her this video.

Ask questions ask many questions. Ask them all the time. Keep asking. I think I am losing the art of asking those questions which I used to as a child. In my meetings I ask, and I don’t really mind admitting that I don’t know too much; but higher level meetings work without asking questions. People don’t want to show any of their insufficiencies I guess. I don’t know. I keep telling people – ask – ask more questions. Think a bit. But idiots just don’t. My own team just doesn’t want to ask any questions. Is it because they don’t think enough or they can understand enough or is it because they feel shy or what? Are you too dumb to ask or you are too smart? Why is it that I am the one asking most of the questions.

I think the author on top is right. In school with the grades etc – you are taught to simply learn the portion by rote. That is what gets rewarded, not asking questions. That is irrelevant for grades or for anything. In my class when I teach I try and encourage people to think or ask questions; but its so bloody tough. Years of training can’t be simply undone by one stupid professor.

The other day Jispa was really upset and there was something bothering her. She was having a fight with us. I have a different style of fighting with her. I talk to her and then I continue to keep channels of communication open. I am firm on the issue but soft on everything else. So I asked her what was bothering her. She refused to say. Then I told her that whatever it is, she has the freedom to tell me anytime. I am there for her. And then offhand I asked her – “take a guess – how many time in Jasmine’s life has she had a conversation with her dad. A nice conversation”. She looked at Jasmine. The answer is never. Jasmine has never ever had a ‘conversation’ with her dad. They speak but there is no conversation. I told her that I remember a few conversations with my dad and those I cherish. “So how many have you had with your dad” I asked her. “Hundreds”, she replied. “So then” I said “you have something your both parents didn’t. You can always talk to us”.

Well at the end of it all. She still dint tell us what was bothering her. Well… Ten years olds are also equally complicated. But I respect that and she sorted the issue in her brain, or at least I hope so.

growing up and drifting apart

A couple of weeks back was our big family vacation bash. Mom, my brother, his wife, sister, her husband, their sons, Jasmine, Jispa and me. I was dreading this week. The last time also we went we weren't exactly happy about the whole thing. This time was a semi disaster. It gets pretty irritating with all the families which have now become so different from each other. We all like different things, we do different things, we see differently and we are very different tourists. Mom is one of those who wants to see all the attractions and tick them off as done. My brother couldn't care less. I and my family like to stay in one attraction for long and don’t like to stress out too much and my brother in law couldn't care less for history. He likes long walks in cold woods.

It was as expected an unmitigated disaster with mom getting on the nerves of my brother and me. We both tried our best to stay focused and be happy and try not to get provoked by mom. Sometimes he kept cool and sometimes it was my turn to cool down. I think as a family we remain reasonably happy by recognizing our differences and not attempting to reconcile them. Bro and I are like chalk and cheese. There is little connecting the two. Same with sis and me. For some reason we grew up to be very different individuals. And the worst thing for me is when I can’t have any intelligent conversations with anyone on a trip. Jasmine is a happy listener but Jispa is the best. She listens, asks questions, understands and provokes. We have many conversations. But with my family no one wants to have any conversation with me. On so many things I am the resident expert but my opinion counts for jack. My bro in law is attempting to run a place in the hills as a home stay. I told him the best thing for him would be to be active on trip adviser  In today’s age you possibly don’t even need a hotel website. You can have official photos and videos of your property hosted on trip adviser and the best thing to get is other guest comments on your property. You don’t even need to put in fake comments. Any active member will easily spot fake comments when you see that there is only one glowing recommendation of a traveler. That is so obviously a fake. Real comments are balanced and useful. And then I tried talking something else – but I realized that I wasn’t making any real sense to anyone.

I kept quiet. I told Jasmine – now I understand what gets me bugged. I am the youngest one. All my life I was told I was a stupid kid who couldn’t control my emotions or my tongue. I would be the stupid boy who they all ran over. I rarely made any sort of sense. Now I am 37 but still a boy in their eyes. Its doesn’t matter that firms are currently paying lakhs and putting crores of rupees on the same advice that I am giving for free to them. Hehe. I don’t think they can see that value. I must be dumb to open my mouth.

The only real active conversation I had on the trip was with my nephew. He studies in Doon school and suddenly as a 15 year old he has emerged as a very strong beautiful brainy boy. I explained and talked to him about a lot of subjects. He was an active listener and asked me tons of questions and we spoke about politics, economics, religion amongst others. My family wondered what conversation was happening. Jasmine and Jispa are used to this. The others don’t understand. Possibly my nephew wasn’t encumbered or prejudiced by childhood.

All in all even Jispa came back and was not entirely happy. On the way back I explained to her and had a small chat – see Jips – things happen. Families move away from each other and stay separately. Their styles change and their modes of enjoyments change. It’s not that we are good and others are bad. Each one has their own style of enjoying. In fact that you did not enjoy as much shows that we are rigid in our thinking. We want it our way. That’s not always how it’s going to be. So understand that even though we are one blood, after staying away for long we have drifted in many ways.

I don’t want her to be negative. I don’t want to have any conversations that try and show our family superiority over others. There is no such thing. People are different. Their likes and tastes are different. A family needs to give space to each other and recognize the differences, or even celebrate them. My bro and I fought like dogs as children but have grown to trust and be with each other by recognizing the very fact that our planes do not intersect. Full stop. I too realized it this time around, how different we have become. My style cannot function everywhere. It must change or must be grinned and borne. That’s the truth. Or least my version of the truth ;)

dekho - magar pyaar se

One of the reasons that I don’t often blog these days is that my mind seems to be in a complete state of neutrality. I am unable to have strong views or even give importance to my normally strong views. All my life I never had the problem of strong views. I have always been hot headed and relished the chance to express my views. I guess if one were to see my writing style at the start of writing this blog one would possibly see the change over the last few years of my life. I believe I have changed a lot. One of the things that I have become is a … a bit of a cynic? As in I don’t really mean it in a negative way. I can possibly appreciate and understand a lot of stuff that goes around… it’s nice to see a nice play or a good movie or a lovely painting but… it’s not the same unbridled joy that came along with it when I was much younger. When someone did something nice to me or spoke nicely or gave me some importance I would attach a greater deal of value to it. Now I am more… I would like to say circumspect rather than cynical.

I have learned the hard way and the cost of innocence that the world is round. It is interconnected. People do what they want to because of various different emotions, reasons and compulsions. I have realized that no one is doing things just for giving me joy. It gives them joy as well. And I am not being holier than thou here. Even I am party to the same fallacy. I thought I did things for others, selflessly, but I too have my own reasons for doing so. Hence now I see things differently. It does not mean that I don’t enjoy the good things in life. I love movies and I love good friends, especially when they are nice to me. There are so many friends who are genuine in their care for me and my family and I thank them, I appreciate them. Only thing is that I try not to expect a lot of joy to be served to me unilaterally. I hope I making sense, without offending too many people.

Let me rephrase my thoughts – life is nice, people are nice, everything is nice. But I must take care not to take it for granted. I must do my bit to get my share. I must grow up and not expect things to be served to me just because I served it to them. Every person is different. Recognize that. Understand that and love them for who they are and not what they do to you or why they do what they do to you.

Hehehe. I said what I thought was essentially the same thing but with a more positive twist on it. I should get into preaching. The first two paragraphs is what I tell myself when I am in a mood to talk to myself in absolute honesty. I try and be ridiculously blunt to myself. To the point of a scolding. But when I talk to others, I realize that they may not be ready for some real badly said honest feedback. I too hate negative feedback. So at least I hear it from myself rather than hear from others.

One wise man told me, not to look at God also too closely; you will notice even God has blemishes. That is so true. When hold people in high or even exalted status, invariably you try and come closer and then you see them with all their dark spots. And you are left disappointed and even bitter. Things are not what they seem to be. Sometimes as the big marketing guy in office giving all that gyan, or in college lecturing, I am expected to keep an artificially high image that people hold in their hearts of me. I can see it in many eyes or possibly I imagine them in many eyes. The pressure to be a great guy is too much. I am supposed to be a great guy in so many things, that I soon start believing that I am a great guy. Over the last couple of years I realized that I am not such a great guy after all. I need to work hard like everyone else on every issue, being a good dad, a good husband, a good boss, a good friend. Everything. And all the time. It’s tough. Especially when you know you are working hard. That when you expect something back, just because you are working hard. But from the opposite perspective – its simple – that how you are supposed to be – a good _____ (fill in your role).

So life is a really tough thing to live, if you are hard on yourself. The trick is in being hard but taking it all with salt. It is to attempt to live to your values and morals and know that everything is subjective. Jispa can love me just because I let her play with the iPad and hate me because I stuff the banana down her throat before her workout. That’s ok. I have to keep trying hard and be what I think I know what’s best at the time. The trick is not to push too much as what I think is best is transient. It is subject to change, all the time.

One of my role models I realized was my brother. I think my blog writing helped me realize that. A lot of what I do in many places is what I have seen my brother do. Though I would be at loathe admitting it but a lot of his gyan in some way has found itself into my life. One of things he said was I never interfere with other parents and their children. I don’t discipline them or anything. What they do with their child is their problem. I thought that was a pretty good gyan and I try to follow it, to some extent. Of course it becomes impossible to follow it entirely when you are with so many kids as we invariably are. But I saw my brother always follow it and he never interfered with my fights with Jispa. Recently we were in dehra dun at my sisters holiday home and they have a cute pup in their premise which is looked after by the servant as my sister is not often at Dehradun.  My brother has decided not to have kids and they have a dog instead. They take care of Angel as if it’s their child. Now seeing an untrained pup, my brother took it upon himself to train the pup. He spent his time disciplining the pup and explaining my sister and her husband on how to take care of it. At one point he seriously admonished them and the servant for not letting it sleep properly. My brother really scolded the caretaker. Now I was at the sidelines looking at this. How different does one behave when one is confronted with something close to one’s heart? Wasn’t interfering with the dog master relationship the same as interfering with the child parent relationship? Surely its different in many ways but its also the same in many ways.

That’s what I believe by being a little bit more circumspect. Reality is not what we see or perceive it to be. It changes, people change. You only believe what you see. There is so much you don’t see. And in all this what blog do I write – what I see or what I don’t see. All my blogs will start looking like this. This is what I see but there is so much I don’t see. I find it difficult to hold a strong opinion and that is critical to writing. But then that is also a bad excuse, there is still so many experiences to share. They may not be worth writing about in the long run but strung together they are what I have lived and tis blog is about what I have lived so that Jispa many moons later will know what I have lived. It will just be that – a chronicle not a tomb on greater gyan. So with that I hope to write more often. I hope I have admonished myself enough, destroyed myself ego and broke my wall of excuses. Atleast I am my biggest critic or cynic!

ding dong, oh baby sing a song

Music is beautiful. It can turn your mood to a different direction and it can also be used to reflect your mood. It’s beautiful. But I… I don’t listen to music. I have never been able to sit for hours listening to music. I can’t appreciate music for long. I don’t understand it. I love it when it plays. I can sing and dance along. But I can’t let it run for long. And I just can’t talk about it too much. Singers, musicians etc.. These are no conversations for me. Jasmine still likes her music. No she isn’t too picky but she still likes it. She can go to sleep listening to music and she can’t stuff her ears with the earphones and enjoy. I can’t do that. And ear phones for music… I can’t handle that as well. I feel it just separates me from the rest of the world. And I would like my sound system to be of a decent quality. But still even after all this I can’t spend money on listening to music. Concerts bore me after a point of time. I would love if someone tried explaining some of the music to me. I would be able to appreciate it better, but still not much beyond a point.

I think Jispa loves her music. Jasmine always has the radio on while driving and Jispa listens to a lot of radio. Now she has this thing for English music. Wonder where she picked that from. Jispa insists on listening to the English radio channel. I find that even more irritating. New English music has passed me by completely. My western music is limited to the stuff I heard in college and a few songs from there on. While driving, I feel is the best time to catch up talking with each other. So if Jispa or Jasmine is in the car then I don’t switch on the radio. I rather talk about something or the other. Music is a conversation restrictor. Earlier when I drove alone I heard the radio but since a few years I have listening to good podcasts and using that to further my readings. Sometimes this makes me feel like a completely fuddy duddy. I am hungry and have an almost insatiable appetite for knowledge and music becomes a faltu waste of time. And then it surprises me when sometimes I switch on the radio at times and love the music being played.

I love the music but can’t listen to it. What is this weird combination? In fact I feel most music listeners are highly pretentious. But then this I attribute to my own stupid judgment (or lack of). But I still can’t understand my behavior. If a song is stuck in my head, I like it. I can sing it again and again. Singing songs while batting have helped me improve it and I think highly of it. I sing so much that Jispa hates it and I a song is stuck in her head while swimming she blames me for it. She hates it when that happens. She feels irritated and I can’t understand why that is a bad thing. I love it. But I still can’t listen to too much music. I also never understood how people listen to music while studying or reading. I can’t do that as well. Today morning I tried listening to music while working or reading – it bombed as usual. I had to switch off the music.

It’s a weird thing. Music is so powerful and I have mentioned this incident before – I used to sing to a pregnant Jasmine. It was this one song and when Jispa was born whenever she cried I sang this song and it made her quiet. I completely believe in the power of music, but I can’t somehow get it to work hard on me. One song and at best two. Full stop. My mood is ok, now let’s get on with it.

Well, whatever. When I was marketing head for the wealth division, we used to have KK concerts organized for our clients. He was awesome and this song of his was brilliant. I loved it. I heard it today morning and I thought I could hear a few more. In fact I put his entire playlist to play from youtube and then I simply switched it off in 2 minutes. I can’t take more than 67 seconds of emotions. Brain fry ho jata hai J

For those wondering on what the title means - listen to this...

a tough act

Ever since we took up a major research exercise last year, we have been screaming hoarse about the need to simplify the jargon associated with finance in general and broking in particular. A large number of people want to invest and a large number open their trading account, but you see a large amount of dormancy within the system. The reason is simple – the whole environment is far too intimidating. Way too much rubbish is used for a lot of the names. The money you give a broker to carry out transactions is called ‘margin’, then there is the ‘ledger’ and ‘payout’ is done on a ‘T+2 basis’ after which the shares hit your ‘demat’ account and of course  there is the ‘bid and ask’ as well as ‘spread’, ‘impact cost’, ‘PE multiples’ available. All this is scary especially when you are looking to invest money in bid to exercise control over your destiny. Basically the poor soul feels constrained and helpless when trying to invest in shares.

But no one seems to be listening. You will find even more incomprehensible offers with thousands of lines of fine print for everything and the dice firmly loaded against you. In the back drop of all this is the Union Budget. You have the jamboree every Feb end where the finance minister gets up and presents what is essentially a nonevent. But the TV channels have managed to hype it and create enough buzz so as to charge astronomical premiums for advertisers and attract eyeballs. No one understands jack of what is presented and no one understands jack of the impact of these proposals. Key terms are misunderstood and people are watching in a bid to see where the markets react to the whole charade.

So in light of all that we decided to set up a micro site called budget simplified. Among other stuff we decided to shoot videos explaining the budget to the common person. What is it and what does one look for in the budget. Short two minute videos that give a fair idea into the whole process. Having less money we decided that I would be the model for the videos. Nine videos should be easy enough. One day shoot and we wrap it up. Boy I was wrong. One shoot it was but the videos were bloody difficult to shoot. One is at first pretty stiff in front of the cameras. It takes time to get a bit lose and to free up. At first the lights and the focus is a bit intimidating but over the day it worked out pretty fine. The other problem is the energy level. One has to maintain an energy level through the day. You have to perform at higher degrees of energy every time you are in front of the camera. Afternoon was tough for me. It showed on the screen. One can actually feel it when the cinematographer tells you that “sir, energy nahi aa raha hai performance mein.” Yes of course. I had to actually pull off reserve energy form the system to give a ‘performance’. Wow. It’s a tough job. I now have new found respect for models and actors and have a small insight into how they must be going about their everyday life. I did not have the additional burden of trying to look good. Those guys need to manage that as well through the day. And the stakes are ridiculously high for them and everyone. Here I was the boss on the set, so everyone was forced to be patient with me and I could modify the lines as I saw fit as I was the quasi script writer as well. Imagine if you are getting paid for this and your opinion on script counts for jack. Wow. Running around trees can also be stressful. Nevertheless, at end of it, the videos did come out pretty cool and I did manage to remain standing. Here are the videos.

They are pretty simple explanations for a lot of the stuff. If finance or economics hold no interest for you, you have bets leave these videos unwatched, but if you have even a passing interest in these topics then you may find the same quite interesting and educative. We have tried to keep things at a very simplistic level and repeated a lot of the concepts. Have fun and let me know.

little big dreams

It’s been a really uphill struggle to remain fit and fighting. My bad right knee keeps getting dislocated at the slightest stress. I strap it heavily to play badminton and yet in some vague situations, snap it goes. Now I am used to the drill, it will dislocate and then I will fall and then I will be in grave pain while I straighten my knee and snap, straightening it will get it into place and I can be normal again. But I still wont be able to run hard.

Its seriously my worst nightmare coming true. One of my recurring nightmares has been that I can’t run, a train is running away and I can’t run fast enough to catch it. This nightmare is something that I am living. Running and turning fast and long has been very important to me. And that has stopped. But I am surprised at myself. I have adapted very well. I started badminton instead of squash. It’s easier on the knees and I swim, that’s easiest on them.

Last week, I played a cricket tournament in my colony. I was in the team on reputation I guess. The senior pro who talks like he knows it all. I am still good on the field as a thinker. I may be a better player thinking through the game. I resisted from giving too many comments upfront, but when we lost one match and every one blamed it on bowling, I stood apart and explained how we lost it on batting. We overhauled the batting order and style and smashed through the next couple of games. I was sent in early, in spite of me explaining that I can’t run. I smashed one straight six off the ground and established my reputation. The next match I then destroyed my reputation. Well, almost. I am done with cricket. I dislocated my knee playing a shot, not even running. I retired never to bat again. And my back is sore form the wicket keeping I had to do. That was the only spot available to fielders who can’t run. So now after giving away my kit, I even gave away my bat. Only if it stays out will I not be tempted to play again. I loved my bat. My daughter was asking me if it was my lucky bat. No, I don’t believe in lucky bats but I did have a bat with an amazing balance, weight and power. I have hit a six over covers with that bat. But I knew I had to give it away. Its time. I explained to Jispa that when I was younger – around 25 yrs old, I always wished I had a great bat. Now I have a friend who is that young and plays cricket and he deserves a bat that is this good. What will it do in my house. Let him use it and let him get what I didn’t.

I am happy. I may have gotten old and crippled but I haven’t lost my touch with my emotions. I am happy that I have the heart to give away my equipment while they are still in good condition. And truly give them away, without having any condition attached to them. The only condition I attached to the bat was that – please love it. Respect it. I need not have said it. The boy who took it really loved it and was excited by it. NICE. It’s nice to see such joy. I know what I might have felt to get such a fantastic bat.

So here I am retiring almost from all forms of the game. I am not even fit to play colony cricket. For now atleast. It’s time to swim I guess. Swim and make your muscles. I can’t stay away from a sport. I can’t become round and happy. I have to remain straight and fit.

In swimming I learnt all the four strokes, though not all proficiently… but I know them. Only one thing remains – the tumble turn. Jispa is after me to learn it from her. I hate it as whenever I try it, I lose all orientation and water enters my nose giving me a fizzy head. But I have to try it, once that’s done, a big dream will be done. And what better way to fulfill your dream than having your daughter helping you along the way.

rearranging our prejudices

I have many times talked about this. The best experience in reading is when you get two books to read as a set. Sometimes they are complimenting each other, sometimes one takes the learning of the other forward and sometimes… sometimes they are actually two points of view of the same history. Right now I am reading Rahul Pandita’s book – Our Moon has Blood Clots: The Exodus of the Kashmiri Pandits. Rahul has written a book called Hello Bastar (about the naxal movement) in the past and he writes well and I have felt that he does try and be objective about what he writes about. This time he writes about his childhood and his growing up as a Kashmir Pandit who was forced to leave the Kashmir valley with his family while he was still a boy. The book may have many flaws but it does bring alive some of the horrors of the terrorism in Kashmir that forced the pandits to leave the valley.

Some time back I read another book. This one was called Curfewed Night by Basharat Peer. Similarly this is also a memoir but from the opposite point of view. Basharat is a Kashmiri Muslim and he sees the same situation so differently. He is also a very balanced and objective writer. He talks about how as a young boy he idolized the Kashmiri Fighters who crossed the borders over and received training. And how it was to be a Kashmiri under constant threat from the Indian Armed Forces.

The same situation but the villains are the opposite parties. Who do you believe? I would assume that both are telling the truth. I don’t think either would really dispute the other’s point of view. But the contrast is telling. There is never an absolute truth. I would like to gift these two books in unison to Jispa when she grows up. What is the truth always depends on what you have been exposed to. Your knowledge no matter how vast is colored by your own experiences. Truth is relative. Muslims were killed and so were the Pandits. One believed in fighting for freedom and the other believed that freedom was already achieved. Both the authors were touched at am impressionable age by the fundamentalist forces and both wanted to take arms and exact revenge but were taken by their fathers to a land free from this racial animosity. And both seemed to have grown up to be largely secular. They realize the futility of violence but bear such deep scars that it may be impossible for them to be completely neutral.

Can one ever be neutral? For life to go on one must take a strong stand in one direction. These choices are made every day. We take a stand basis the information and experience we have. I am not saying to not take a stand. That is stupid and a complete waste. Devil’s advocate is a nice term for it and as one of Devdutt’s piece on this explains (link) this is many times the wrong way to discuss. Just a few days back, at the gymkhana where I got active with the swimming department, we were presenting the budget. Most of the office bearers were understanding and practical. One fellow was completely irritating. He kept switching sides and said, yes, that’s a good idea to every point and on both sides of the same point. Yes it was nice and diplomatic but it just prolonged the meeting and got nowhere. Endless argument and recognition of both sides got no one anything.

It is important to see both sides, to hear both sides to recognize both sides, to understand that both exist and that both are right in their own way. But at the end life and reality is that you have to take one side and move on. You have to take a stand while being polite and accommodating of the other. Its easy to be brusque about the other side. I have been guilty consistently about this. I have tried my best to change. From merely brushing them off to thinking actively from the other side I have understood another point of view. Now instead of brushing the other side I try and make an argument to convince the other. But that itself creates another sense of pressure on the opposite side. A convincing argument is so difficult for the other to accept, possibly more difficult that a brush off. One can be forced to accept defeat to power but not to reason. Oh dam!

But we all need to understand the other side. See that it exists, acknowledge it and try to live in that shoe. Possibly then we realize that the demons on the other side aren’t that demonic after all. They too were just acting on their prejudices. That’s all.

Like this quote my friend showed me “A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.” - William James

Side note – I was talking to a colleague who happened to be a Kashmiri Pandit who too left when he was 9 yrs old. I urged him to read both the books. HE ordered one. Rahul’s book. He was reading it and he said a lot of that was the truth. He was pretty excited. It was going to be the first book he has ever read. On any topic! That’s a good start. I asked him if he ordered the one by Basharat. Nopes, he dismissed it. Later. Possibly.

I guess we only know what we want to know

as blunt as a knife

A few weeks back Jispa had her 100 meter freestyle event. Normally Jispa doesn’t do too well in the 100 mtr race. She like the 50 mtr. We thought that’s because she needs to build greater strength and stamina. That was also one the prime reasons we took Jispa to a nutritionist who specializes in children sports nutrition. We were hoping that eating right would help her build some strength and help her in the longer races. But ofcourse  we weren’t expecting a miracle too soon. These things do take a long time to settle in. Though I think the right approach to eating does pay some immediate dividends.

But something else happened in this race. This was a 25 mtr pool and hence it’s a four  legged race. Jispa was in lane 5 and by chance her friend from our club itself was in lane 4. As the race started, her friend who is normally better in the longer races set off. Jispa followed a little behind. Throughout the first fifty she tailed her friend. Then something happened. I saw something that I haven’t seen in Jispa’s race before. Her second fifty was faster than the first. Normally Jispa’s second fifty is quite bad. But she took off and slowly built a lead over her friend, ever so marginal but a lead nevertheless. Wow, something interesting was going on. Then in the last 25 some reserve energy came in and she went even faster to beat her friend in the race. Not that she was medal prospect or something but she did improve her timing. Even her coach who was watching this was quite amazed. “Great timing”, he congratulated her, “but, your second fifty was faster than your first fifty”. Basically you normally don’t do that, you should logically slow down as your energy wears off.

A few weeks back we had a parents-teacher meeting at Jispa’s school. Jispa is a sweet kid, largely stays out of trouble, never gets into fights nor is she bothered by the girl politics playing around. She is completely chilled and unaffected by it all. A lot like Jasmine I guess. So these meetings are always nice and sweet with the teachers never having anything really big to say. As the meeting was drawing to a close, her teacher told us “Jispa is a lovely child, she is very good, but…. But…. “ I guess she did not know how to put it. “but… she is not ..” I forget what word she used but, basically she meant Jispa is not aggressive or ambitious or a take charge kind of girl. She is very happy and content. Like if the teacher wants someone to get chalk or someone to do some work, Jispa isn’t the enthusiastic raising hands jumping in plea volunteer. She is happy being seated.

Yes, she isn’t that ambitious yet. She is content and is not interested in too many incentives or positions. She likes to do stuff but not necessarily has the killer instinct to win at all costs. She is contented and happy. Now that is a good thing in many ways and we also have brought her up that way. We haven’t taught her to kill or to covet winning at all costs. I have always maintained that desire to win or perform must come from inside of you. You don’t have to win because your dad wants you to win. You have to win because you want to or you think it’s in you to win. Her teacher also admitted that its possibly a good thing but she was possibly lamenting that it could be a waste of talent or something not to be ambitious or to be contented.

Now after the race, I asked her, what she was doing. I suspected that she pushed herself as her friend was in the next lane and that turned out to be the real reason. She wanted to beat her. Something inside of her came alive. She wanted to compete. Sure Jispa like competing and competing hard and coming ahead but it’s not the winning. Difficult to really explain, but it’s a case of opposites reconciling. Try to win but not really covet winning. Her coach and I had a discussion on this today. I said she isn’t really that ambitious but I guess she needs to know how good she really is. Her coach told me that he is waiting. He believes that Jispa is a great potential. Once her mind will flip and she decides that she is a good swimmer and she is capable of much more, then she will suddenly zoom ahead.

Ya I agree. This race was testimony to the fact there is much more to her than she shows. She is capable of performing better. She needs to realize this on her own at her own time. Only when she realizes this on her will she emerge from her own shadow. She is talented, physically fit, mentally sharp and a nice amiable kid. Can be become sharp without losing her … BLUNT? That is for us to find out.

I am the Big Mean Beast

Yesterday I got a glimpse of the consequences of having a daughter.

Some time back a fashionable pretty young thing joined my team. She had long nails. Looking at them I remarked “long nails?”. “are you allowed long nails?”. She looked at me wondering. “are they not allowed?”. I kept her guessing and gave evasive answers. The PYT was stressed. I ask her to ask around. My team that was watching it all pounced like a pack of wolves saying it wasn’t. They all proceeded to show off their nails. The PYT wasn’t really convinced. Afterwards she caught another girl (wolf in sheep clothing) and asked her if the requirement was real. This other girl confirmed it.

PYT then comes back after the weekend with her nails chopped off. I look at them and ask incredulously “you chopped them off? Why did you do that? Did I tell you to chop them? I only asked if they were ok. But if you wanted them I would have definitely fought with HR if it was not allowed. Dint you like ask around?”. “I did” she protested. “They all told me to chop them off, since they are not allowed”. She fell for it, hook line and sinker. Then she said something even weirder “I chopped them off over the weekend and I cried”. “cried?”. “ya, they take so long to grow for me an di have to take care of them to grow them. SO I cried when I had to cut them”. Ok now the pranksters were feeling a wee bit sorry about the whole thing. And I was wondering how dumb does one have to be to fall for this and how sensitive must one be towards nails.

Jispa’s school has begun to have a soft approach towards nails, is what I was told by Jasmine. Possibly it is the class teacher or whoever but the kids in Jispa’s class, or more specifically the girls in Jispa’s class have started growing nails. Jasmine routinely chops off Jispa’s nails. They get dirty and we don’t believe that a ten year old still can grow nails. Jispa too is only a bit reluctant to chop them off. But this time she was showing a little less enthusiasm to chop her nails. While Jasmine was chopping them off, she did not want to give her thumb. This was in the morning when there is no time for anything else and I just firmly told her to get them chopped. She heard me and let out her thumb. After Jasmine chopped that nail, Jispa was pretty upset. Huh? It’s just a nail girl. What are you so upset about? And didn’t her school not allow long nails. Jasmine explained her schools recent laxity towards nails. But Jispa was pretty upset. WHAT? What’s so upsetting? Well it seems that she was growing her one thumb nail. She was ok with all the others being trimmed but the thumb… that was the one she was growing. And man was she upset…? I felt like the big mean beast.

I asked Jasmine “do you really need to cut it?”. “of course, she plays with it all the time. While studying she is fiddling with it”. “ok. lets get a compromise. Now on, you can grow your thumb but you ensure its clean and if you play with it even once while studying, it will be cut.” That mollified her a little bit. Just a little bit. I later even probed if it was a peer issue. It didn’t turn out to be one where everyone is growing it and she would be left out. It’s a simple case of Jispa being a girl. And girls like nails. Fullstop.

And my girl is growing up and growing her nails. I don’t know when the taekwondo kicker will become girlie and start painting her nails and wondering if her hair is in order all the time. And dam, the day she buys a cute little red dress to match her red paint and set her hair, I will simply jump off the floor. Oh man. I was lucky all this while as my little girl wasn’t the prim and proper fashion miss. She was cool and had a style of her own. But this nail incident has really awakened me from my slumber. We’ll figure. We’ll live.

sportsman's prayer

Saturday was a red letter day in Jispa’s life. Last week she came in dancing from school. She had learnt that she was the school placard bearer leading the march past at the sports day. That’s pretty cool. She would march in before everybody else, including the school flag bearer. Then she would lead the school into the oath. She would speak the oath and the school would repeat it after her. It was big freaking deal. It was a BFD for her and for us as well.

I asked her if she really wanted to be IT. yup sure she said. She recollected that when she was in the lower Kg a girl had taken eth oath and she thought it was dam cool. She had forgotten about it but when she learnt that she was IT then she was super excited. She got it possibly thanks to her consistent performances in the swimming pool and on the track and field events. She’s pretty athletic. Possibly the oath bit is also thanks in part to the fact that she excels in elocution.

I remember wanting to be IT. I wanted to be the guy giving the oath in school. I remember once it was administered by my brother’s friend. His name was Stephen Dias. He was a brilliant footballer and a really sweet guy. I wanted to do it. But amongst a string of missed chances this one too passed me by. So I was pretty happy when she was chosen. It amazing how much of my life I have ended up living with my daughter. It’s pretty surreal. Her achievements in sports, elocution and school have left me pretty moist eyed.

It’s a lovely feeling. People come and congratulate you as parents and we simply brush it off directing it to Jispa. But all this is a lot more complicated than it really is. A lot of factors come into play. But most importantly it simply is the process of adjustment to one and other. That is the true essence of family. Jasmine Jispa and I are constantly adjusting to each other. We all keep growing, keep shifting and keep changing. We try and reach our equilibrium which all economists know is a notoriously unstable state. It doesn’t stay steady at all. There are too many parameters at work. But if we largely work towards achieving it as opposed to disrupting it, you tend to remain in balance.

On one morning last week, Jispa told me as we were leaving for the pool, that she didn’t feel like swimming that morning. Sure but it’s your morning swimming that got you your position on the sports day, right? Ya. She replied. I guess she realized the value of all that hard work. It’s very tough on us parents to enforce discipline. Extremely difficult. How do you not become a tyrant while doing so? I guess jasmine and I take a simple stand. Let’s think through at a point if we want to do a certain activity or not. Do we want her to swim and does she want to swim. Once the call is taken we have to go to closure. Do we want her to study or not. Is it important for her to know the multiplication tables or not. Simple. You rack your brains once or every once in a while and come to an answer. Once you come to an answer you simply execute it. So no matter how tired I may be or sleep deprived, if she has to go to swim in the morning she has to go for a swim. I for one am very clear. If you don’t want to swim then its simple, let’s stop this crazy schedule.

It bugs me no end to be half way there. Jasmine deals with Jispa on a daily basis. She had a different set of issues. If she dictates like this, she would end up being a tyrant. But I am the dad who is away for most of the day. For me it’s simple to be in black or white about issues. Jasmine is all grey. Possibly that’s the way it is. Each one of us enforces on each other a set of paradigms. Each one of us is trying to push us and our paradigms. That’s the fun part. The trick is to get to a common boundary while pushing the edge but not tipping over. It’s easy for the parent to push the child, but getting the child to push the parent is very very difficult. I encourage it when I can but I too must admit that it is not possible. Our ego is far too high to allow for it. But I try.

At the end if my kid remembers me a fair parent, that’s what I will settle for. A fair deal. If she thought I was fair in giving her fair share of freedom, independence, protection, advice and learning; that’s all there is. And yes, her own fair share of credit.

Jispa did a lot because she is happy doing it all. She won her sprint titles for the 6^th year in a row. She has been unbeatable in sprint in her school. That’s pretty cool. This year in the 200 meters she was running along when I saw her being pushed by another kid, which made her go faster. On Sunday while swimming in the 100 meters freestyle, she clocked a personal best because there was her team mate in the adjoining lane. Jispa doesn’t have a natural killer instinct but she likes competing. It’s a bit of a paradox. I guess it’s a bit like me. Why kill something. Relax, try your best. In badminton these days, I see that I naturally raise or lower my game to the opponent’s level. I can’t get myself to kill shots and definitely I can’t play like that for extended periods of time. Possibly Jispa is like that. But I like that. A temperament for sports is not necessarily the one in life. Sports is easy. There is a winning and a pecking order. Life is more complicated. Two or more can win and must win if you want to win in the long run. The victory of one is not necessarily the defeat of the other. A bit of a difference form sport.

So sport doesn’t really teach you about winning in real life. No sir. I don’t think so. I see too many selfish people in sport. People who guard their turf. The badminton guys who don’t want to share their game or the tennis guys who routinely fight over petty issues. That’s stupid. What sports can possibly teach you – discipline, the need to listen to your body, that every point doesn’t matter, that brains are extremely important, that immediate reactions can be honed… whatever… But definitely don’t ever be selfish. I firmly believe that performance sports are dominated by really selfish people. It’s possibly an important part of the mental construct. I hate it and I hope Jispa doesn’t learn from it.

back to basics

I have struggled with dry skin since the last 6 to 7 years. Some parts of my skin on the leg suffered from acute dryness resulting in some eczema patches. Thanks to the internet I searched d a lot for it. I looked for references here and there and finally understood that dry skin is largely a factor of pollution, stress or processed foods. Given our lifestyles all of these are inevitable. How do I control either of these? Having said that, I did try and do a lot of Ayurveda therapies. Its takes some great belief in this branch of science to keep trying here. Its not been easy. Also I learnt that modern science has no known cure. At best a few shots of steroids could bring temporary relief and it comes with a high chance of a larger relapse. Fundamentally they all recommend to just simply keep the skin moist. So simple non-fragrant moisturizers work the best. All you have to do is to stop yourself from scratching the affected part. So wherever I go I am never too far away from a moisturizer. I have one in my car, in my bathroom, bedroom, office and laptop bag. I have most of the bases covered. When in doubt simply moisturize.

After getting it I realized so many people are affected by it. Now I can see the traces of it so many places. How people are affected by different sorts of it. Some people scratch and get it to bleed causing further complications. You just need to tend to it. My dad also suffered from it but not having the internet I guess he never really understood it. He had a steroid shot once to have it disappear and come back. My ayurvedic treatment managed to control it and reduce it to just a couple of spots on one leg. My doc refuses to treat it further and wants me to live with it. He says it’s not worth going for the kill. And in any case I have learned to manage it well.

Juvenile dry skin is also a huge issue with so many kids facing the problem. My guess is again bad food and bad air. Jispa swims a lot and of late she got a little bit of a dry skin problem around her nose. We used the ayurvedic red oil and saw a lot of difference. But the last bit just refused to go.

Which when I started thinking. Soap I knew is a bad thing. No soap, including dove will help. they make the problem worse. So I moved exclusive to soap free gels a few years ago. But that too were not too good the main culprit I saw was the Sodium laureth sulfate as the known allergen. So I even switched to body shop product which was without the same. Somehow I wasn’t convinced. So while thinking further I remembered that Indian tradition of having oil baths. Hmmm. That’s interesting. I also realized that my Ayurvedic doc always said to apply his oil and then have a bath. His oil is red in color and is not necessarily pleasant smelling. I also remembered learning in school that south indians as a part of tradition would have oil bath on Diwali. And of late I started putting olive oil on my skin to some decent effect. Something started to click.

Then while having a conversation with my doc he spoke about a natural loofah which called ‘pichinzha’ or something like that. Available at specific south indian specialty shops in Matunga, it is like a natural loofah. It worked well and I could see that it cleaned the body well. I was now ready for the next step.

The next time while having a shower I applied olive oil and scrubbed with the loofah and the results were amazing. Better skin, no dry feeling and clean! All naturally. Why the hell was soap invented in these times. It gets rid of sweat, dry skin and dean cells without drying the skin and according to me it works on oily and dry skin. I urged Jispa to try it. she too felt the difference and her dry skin has had a dramatic improvement. It still winter here and let’s see how it works in the summer, but it feels like heaven. Soap is out. You don’t need soap. Soap was the invention that probably helped remove real grime. But in cities we rarely have grime. Soap is good for washing hands. Full stop. The scrub along with the oil is good enough for the body. After all oil is a solvent as well for the grime. I never understood why you need to get rid of the oil from your body. The role of the oil is to keep your skin fit against germs.

Today I was researching what on earth was the loofah I was using. I knew it was organic and it looked like a weaver’s nest or something but it was more like a fruit with seeds. Here is the pic.

I couldn’t get anything by the traditional name so out of frustration I just typed in tree fruit loofah and I jumped on seeing the results. I got it and I was stunned by what I found. It’s nothing but a dried gourd. Yup. A dried gourd.

Luffa is a genus of tropical and subtropical vines classified in the cucumber (Cucurbitaceae) family. In everyday non-technical usage the name, also spelled loofah, usually refers to the fruit of the two species Luffa aegyptiaca and Luffa acutangula. The fruit of these species is cultivated and eaten as a vegetable. The fruit must be harvested at a young stage of development to be edible. The vegetable is popular in China and southeast Asia. When the fruit is fully ripened it is very fibrous. The fully developed fruit is the source of the loofah scrubbing sponge which is used in bathrooms and kitchens as a sponge tool.

The name Luffa was borrowed by European botanists in the 18th century from the Arabic name لوف lūf

In Maharashtra, India, dodka (Ridge Gourd/luffa) and ghosavala (smooth luffa) are common vegetables prepared with either crushed dried peanuts or with beans. In Northern India as well as Pakistan, Turai (thoo-raee) is the common name for Luffa.

What shit man. We eat this stuff everyday! Well, almost every day. Gourds are not really popular dishes. It’s the dish your mom makes you eat but you hate the dam thing. But they make for really neat body scrubs. In fact it so seems that the loofah word was probably taken from this luffa.

Here a picture of the Luffa cylindrical.

a delicate balance

Friday was a really tough start to a day. I felt like a complete loser. It is one of those days when you start to question yourself and especially your skills as a parent. I have always maintained that it doesn’t matter what happens to the results as long as you have tried your best and you put in a great effort.

We have had enough stress over getting a poem for Jispa to recite for the elocution. The teachers in her school don’t help at all. This is contrast to our school days when the parents were completely uninvolved in the process. This time we got a poem and it was accepted. Suddenly on Thursday evening Jasmine calls me to tell me that Jispa won the second place at the competition. I was so dam angry. Why? Not because she missed first place but we never did really have the time to practice. I taught her a couple of times and that was it. She was still nowhere near as good as she could be and she was emphasizing the words and pausing rather than one smooth flow. It was pretty irritating. Why was I not told that the competition is on a particular date.

In the morning I was angry at Jispa. Why dint you tell me? Also whenever I asked you to practice with me afterwards you always made an excuse. She told me that she would practice with her school teacher every day. But Hell… your school teacher ... she doesn’t know anything about elocution, does she? Does she teach you to vary your tone, to put the right emphasis? They don’t know anything and you think that is enough.

She told me that it’s ok nah? Wasn’t I the one who didn’t care if she won or lost? Yes, I don’t care if you win or lose, but it pisses me off to see inferior effort done. Both your mom and I put in enough stress to search for your poem. We go through tons of poems, we beg and check with other mothers for interesting poems and we then try and get one that’s interesting. So you better start practicing earnestly with us or you are in for trouble. There is a lot of work to be done and losing first place just because you have not tried enough, that’s pretty irritating. Whenever I wanted to teach her she would say that her head is spinning or its paining or give some excuse. That was really bad. I never knew that the competition was coming up so I could crank up the pressure. It seems Jispa just told Jasmine about the competition in the morning while being dropped off to school. Jasmine also said, now what to do… best of luck and do well. Wasn’t she supposed to tell us what’s going on, especially since we are involved parents and especially when it comes to elocution. Arrrggghhhhh.

This was so bloody darn frustrating. Coming close and letting go just on a whim! Jispa needs to realize the sacrifice we go through when she does something. I am happy not being the bad guy. It’s the best to be a father that is all loving and caring and doesn’t piss you off. That’s an easy one. But to have one that pushes you to do better, it requires the father to be a jack ass at times. And bloody hell that’s a difficult thing to do. Balancing the equation on both sides is a great challenge. She got a few from me that morning. And in the evening I hugged her and told her I was sorry but I really did need to know and she really did need to tell us and practice with us. She said she was sorry as well.

There – that’s that. Delicate balance achieved. An uneasy balance only to be tipped over on either side at the slightest extraneous factor. Till then – a piece of cute news. Saturday we celebrated our 14^th anniversary and Jispa had a surprise gift for us. A card for each of us and a special present. She made for Jasmine a cat out of sponge and for me she gave me a cover. A cover with cash in it. She gave me 125 bucks cash as a present. That was all she had. I didn’t know what to say. Thanks Jispa. Many thanks. Can we buy something with it later? Girls… they are so bloody adorable.

Bahut saara gyan!

I got this question in one of my previous blogs as a comment – “This question is unrelated to this post though would really appreciate your thoughts. Till what time is it alright for parents to hold the dreams/aspirations of their children ransom to religion and culture. And after what stage (if at all) is it justifiable to break free of these chains? You are free to choose not to answer at all :)”

Now I officially feel like an agony aunt on national TV.  Most of the time we get to see people with no expertise or experience waxing eloquence on things well beyond their grasp. Under normal circumstances I would have simply answered your question in one word. But these days I seem to be short of blog topics. Jispa has been growing up and all the cute stuff is slowly coming to a close. Most of the stuff I seems to have an opinion on seems to have been expressed already on the blog. What more can I write about. Or possibly my mind is currently in a state of flux. I am growing up and questioning a lot of my beliefs. Life is moving rapidly. Most the time the constant belief that remains with me is that ‘such is life, sit back and enjoy its turns and twists. That is possibly very boring to write in a blog. Just sit back and watch. How many times can I write that? There is politics at play in the office – just sit back and watch. There is politics at the gymkhana – just sit back and watch. There is politics within the team – just sit back and watch. What all can I write. Suddenly I feel like the Buddha, smiling as the world unfolds itself in front.

Yesterday I was having a conversation with someone going through a pessimistic phase of life. To him I was saying, sure India is going through shit, but that’s ok. When I was growing up we did not have anything to latch on to. I am happy for whatever we have. I couldn’t have imagined that I would find myself, where I find myself today. Mere pass, gaadi hai, bungla hai, paise hai… and so on. And of course like the anti hero – mere bhi paas ma nahi hai. She kicked me out some time back. Though now we seem to be getting along fine. She has made an effort not to get on my case and I have made an effort to repair those bridges. Thank god that while God gave me an ego he also gave me the temperance to allow me to swallow it. So coming back to the conversation. He seemed pessimistic about the future and on the fact that he was building white elephants. I looked back at him and smiled. These are problems of having and not problems of not having. As long as they are problems of having, they can be solved. The problems of not having are the ugly ones. He smiled at me and said that I am lucky that I have a positive frame of mind. Well, I told him that I have been kicked on my butt too many times to be negative. I can’t live otherwise. Of course I know my butt is going to be whipped and I know by whom but if I don’t care about the pain you can inflict on me then by that extension you have no power over me. He smiled again. I think he thinks of me as the Buddha. Haha. Like a colleague often looks at me and tells me ‘you have switched to Buddha mode’. I like that mode. Its helps me deal with a whole host of shit.

(side story - he gave me this link which i agree with but still doesnt dampen my CURRENT optimism - http://open.salon.com/blog/sean_paul_kelley/2009/03/26/reflections_on_india)

Jispa and Jasmine are another set of interactions to watch. They also have their own weird relationship. Jispa is growing up and Jasmine is quite the amiable person. But they can’t fight on so many things. In fact they keep fighting all the time. Till Sunday when Jispa’s vacations were on, they were having the best of time. They were hugging each other, playing with each other, walking with each other, chatting with each other… anything but fight with each other. I was amazed. This was too good to be true. This can’t be. Jispa was having a great time with Jasmine with no arguments or fights. Normally I am the peace keeper and the judge / jury between the two. But I was happy to be in the background or even in the foreground as both of them ganged up on me for some good humored fun. I have always believed that a family must be able to criticize itself and each other. I should be able to criticize Jispa or Jasmine and vice versa. Jispa had a lot of freedom to correct me and tell me what she thinks of me. She can say what she wants. Only thing I do is stop her from being disrespectful in public. She needs to avoid that. Jasmine is not so open to this. So Jispa has to learn that daddy and mommy are a different kettle of fish and need to be treated separately. That is not parenting 101, where both parents are expected to be consistent and not at odds with each other. I have often told Jispa that, a certain thing is Mummy’s idea not mine, so while I don’t endorse it, I am not going to oppose it. And I if think it’s not that great an idea, I tell Jispa about it. But at the same time I tell her that I may not be right, or I don’t have the means to implement otherwise or it’s simply not my department and hence we are following mommy’s idea. I would like her to realize that two people need not have the same idea at all times and just because there is divergence of views there need not be chaos or discord. So coming back… all the love and affection lasted till Sunday night. The last day of the vacation! Come Monday both were again on each other’s throat. That just showed one thing. Nothing was fundamentally wrong with the relationship, only that the pressures of time and duty which are inexorably linked to the clock can create all sorts of chaos for a relationship. And all sorts of complications creep in only to disappear when these externalities of time and scarcity are removed. So I have learnt to just see and smile as the world unfolds itself.

Today I was deconstructing the poem that Jispa is going to perform for the elocution. It’s about Ram and Raavan. The way I see it, it is like a bard singing in praise of the lord restoring order and dharma to the land. I was explaining that Jispa must bring out the love for the Lord when the line on Ram comes up, and then she added – should I bring about hate when the villain comes in? Well no. there isn’t really a villain in Hindu Mythology. Raavan wasn’t really a bad guy as more recent stories have made him out to be. He was a good guy, a great devotee of Shiva, his population loved him and doesn’t your own poem talk about Lanka being made of Gold. Then I helped her understand one version of the Ramayana. Raavan was a good guy but why did he go for Sita. That is because His sister Surpanakha egged him on and told him to take revenge for her humiliation. That’s because she coveted Ram and when Ram refused she asked for Lakhsman and when both said no, she tried to kill Sita; when Lakhsman chopped her nose and ears. But wasn’t that an excessive thing to do. Lakhsman need not have humiliated her. HE could have just stood in front and warned her that if you make one move I will kill you. Unnecessary humiliation that started off a war.

I am also just thinking right now. That is such a mean thing to do. One student once told me, that sir do you know so many girls have this huge crush on you. Of course I am aware. Sometimes it’s obvious and sometimes it isnt but I would be pretty insulted if there weren’t any. Someone cool and young comes in with contrary opinions, cracks tons of jokes and has a good class, it’s easy to have a crush. I too had a crush on so many teachers. It’s ok. And I told her that I always try and treat these kids with a lot of love back. Some kids come close and touch you to hold you or try and talk to you. I try and not break their heart. I am always sweet to them and their boyfriends and everyone. After all having a crush on you, the way I see it, is a responsibility to be shouldered well. It’s a great privilege. It’s cute to have attention, but it’s also extremely important that it’s treated well. Of course it will pass like they all do. But it should pass with fond memories and not with malice. Which is what Lakhsman spread.

So that’s what he did. So Raavan came in and took Sita. But not before Sita got greedy for the golden deer. They were in the jungle so the rules of Jungle applied. Might was right and Sita could be taken by force and deception. Ram even left Lakhsman to guard her but sensing that Ram was in danger, Sita sent Lakhsman off while giving him a sharp rebuke. He made a lakhsman rekha which in simple mythology is a magical line which an enemy could not cross but in terms of meaning was simply a boundary of the house. The house is civilization where laws of civil society applied. In the jungle, might ruled. So While Sita was in civil society she was governed by the laws of civil society hence Raavan couldn’t enter. So he tricked her out and abducted her. Raavan in many ways also did not break any rules. He also did not force himself on Sita but kept her with all respect in Lanka. He too was a good man but he was proud of his powers hence he still twisted the laws and came under the influence of his sister. And Ram also sent a warning to Raavan that give me my wife back and I will peacefully leave. When Raavan refused, the war began.

‘So that’s that Jispa’. It’s not that easy. Not all are white and not all are black. Raavan was not evil. So possibly unlike what your poem suggests while he was Abimaani (proud), but not atyachari (cruel?), and Ramw as the man who restored Dharma. “what is dharma” she asked. I was lucky to have read up Dharma a few days ago and hence I explained to her that it was a simple rule or code of righteousness that ensured people did their duties. Otherwise there would be chaos. She asked if it was like paap (sin) and punya (brownie points). No. that is a point system while Dharma is a code of what you are to do irrespective of points.

So culture is possibly important as it is something that we can pass on over to our children. Religion is also part of our culture. But it can’t be restrictive. These are not chains. These are ladders, steps on which we climb over. Culture by definition must change. You must have a healthy respect for culture. That is obvious. But what is not obvious is that you must have a healthy disrespect for culture. I am not a great son (my mom kicked me out) and I definitely not a great dad (I still mess up big time), so I can’t be the right guy to tell you what is right. But I definitely don’t see culture as encumbrances. Move with the times. Step back, retain what you want, and throw what you feel. Try and understand what is culture and rituals. When Jasmine’s grand mom passed away recently I was explaining to my nephew what each of the rituals could possibly mean. why we would carry burning cow dung to the cremation center (there was possibly no fire to be found in the jungle those days), why the pot of water must be broken from under your feet and never to look behind (symbolizing the end and don’t look behind so that you leave those gone forever and possibly don’t get scared by ghosts). Culture / rituals have meaning. A lot has been lost in translation. Have the patience to understand if possible or the curiosity to translate to what you think right. The Ram story also is a bit my interpretation and a lot thanks to reading Devdutt Patnaik. There are no absolute truths, only interpretations of culture. Likely or unlikely. And in this context I see religion as nothing different from culture. So that too is always a change. You can tell stories about them, you can explain its understanding and rules. You can inspire but I don’t think you can bind. Lying, smoking, non-veg is not bad as it’s against culture, but because it’s not good. Period. But then as an adult you are free to do what you want to do. Till then home ties bind you. So in effect till Jispa listens to me, culture is binding her. But I am telling her not to be bound by it. hmm… I did tie myself into knots didn’t I? But like the name of the blog says. Opposites must reconcile. I am binding her but I am not. I am telling her not to obey anything but if she is does or doesn’t she is obeying or not obeying. Both ways it’s a standoff. Opposites do reconcile in ways we think not possible.

I have been watching few Sherlock Holmes episodes. “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”. What’s the relation of this to the blog. Nothing really. I just thought of it. It’s a nice quote. Full stop.